Royalties (2020) s01e04 Episode Script
Mighty as Kong
1
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Da-do-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
Oh! [CHUCKLES]
Oh
Nice place.
Oh, thanks. It's new.
[BOTH MOANING]
[GRUNTS] Geez.
Huh.
You're disappointed.
- No.
- You said,
"Huh", like, "Huh, that's small".
I didn't say that.
All right, come on.
Let's talk about this.
Do we really need to?
Yes, we do.
I can tell when I'm being laughed at.
Oh, no, I wasn't laughing.
[CHUCKLES] I'm-I'm
laughing a little now,
'cause you're making such
a big deal out of this.
Sara?
Who's the baddest guy in town?
The one cat you don't want
to meet in a dark alley,
whose masculinity is beyond question?
I don't know.
You?
It's King Kong.
- Okay.
- You doubt that?
No, no, no. King Kong, he's tough.
You're damn right those
clowns that went to his island
found that out the hard way.
And in their hubris,
they chained up a king
and put him on display for the
whole world to point and laugh.
It pisses me off just thinking about it.
Okay.
Where is this going?
I got a little math lesson for you.
- Oh.
- The average male gorilla
is about five and a half feet tall.
Kong stands somewhere
in the ballpark of 30 feet,
five times the size of
the average male gorilla.
Now a gorilla's penis
is one inch long, erect.
No way.
Look it up if you don't believe me.
Following that logic, it stands to
reason that King Kong's erect penis
is five inches long.
That would mean that I,
just a guy named Glen,
have the same-sized penis
as King motherfucking Kong.
Cool.
Can we have sex now?
Yes.
Now we can.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
SARA: It was one of the weirdest
things I've ever experienced.
Dude, Glen's awesome.
Yeah, I like him a lot, but, man,
I have never seen someone
get so self-conscious
about something so stupid.
Plus, he's ignoring the new movies.
I'm crunching the numbers over here,
and new Kong's penis
is, like, 20 inches long.
All this doesn't make me think
your boyfriend Glen is any cooler.
It just makes me feel bad for King Kong.
Yeah, and it makes you
rethink the whole movie.
Maybe that's why he
climbed the Empire State.
All to prove to himself
how mighty he is.
Yeah, it's like
I'm not as big as I'd like to be ♪
They came to my jungle ♪
They laughed at me. ♪
- [LAUGHS]
- Something like that?
Okay, let's stop.
Let's get some real work done, okay?
And mighty as Kong. ♪
[VOCALIZING]
That's good.
Sara, that might be the best
song we've ever written.
Oh, too bad we can
never actually release it.
- Wha? Why, why not?
- If Glen ever heard this,
he'd know that I'm making fun of
the thing that he's most ashamed of.
- So?
- So, he'd break up with me.
I cannot stress this enough.
This song can never
see the light of day.
Ever.
Got it?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Now, that there's a
Romanée-Conti from 1945.
Paid $52,000 for it.
Holy shit.
Yep.
So, uh, Kendra tells me you've been
churning out some pretty cool tunes.
Thought I'd come around, see if I
can catch me some of that pixie dust.
Cheers, man.
Cheers.
Wow! I-I I-I just can't believe it.
I'm hanging out with
country/rock legend Philip Combs.
I'm such a huge fan.
So how's the wine, Pierce?
Is it worth 52 grand?
I-I honestly, I don't know if
anything's really worth, uh, 52 grand.
Well, let me cork it back up. [GRUNTS]
Hey, Pierce.
Did you know a duck's penis
is shaped like a corkscrew?
- Really?
- Yeah,
look it up if you don't believe me.
Hey, did you know that King
Kong's penis is five inches?
- Shut the shit up.
- Yeah.
Sara and I wrote a
song about it, actually.
Now, that's something I'd love to hear.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, shit.
I I just remembered.
I'm-I'm not supposed
to play it for anybody.
Oh, come on, man.
I-I can't, Phil. I'm sorry.
I made a promise to Sara.
Half the song is hers.
Well, just play me your half.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, you want to have sex?
I'd love to.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Wait, hang on.
[GROANS] It's Pierce.
- Hello?
- Hey, Sara.
- Philip Combs here.
- Oh, my God!
Hi! Um
I wasn't expecting this.
You've been holding out on
the world, haven't you, girl?
- Excuse me?
- You tried to cage the king!
I want "Mighty as Kong"
- on my next album.
- Um
We weren't planning
on releasing that song.
Yeah, Pierce told me you
don't want to part with it.
So, for your trouble, I'm
willing to give you $52,000
or one bottle of wine.
Take the money, Sara.
He's trying to get rid
- of the bottle of wine.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Let her decide.
Oh, my God, Philip Combs wants
to use our song, "Mighty as Kong"!
"Mighty as Kong"?
What's that about?
Um
That doesn't happen to be
about what we discussed
on our first night together, does it?
Well
Because we discussed
that in confidence, Sara.
I know you wouldn't mock me
by going off and writing
a song about my
awesome, King Kong-sized penis!
The song's not just about your penis!
It's-it's done very tastefully.
I mean, we only mentioned
your name once.
Sara I like you.
A lot.
I thought maybe you felt the same way.
I do.
I really do, Glen.
Well, then you have a choice to make.
What's more important to you?
My feelings?
Or your career?
He got to New York City ♪
He had just arrived ♪
He was hungry, he was naked ♪
He was barely alive ♪
Tried to make it big in showbiz ♪
- He showed 'em what he had ♪
- [GROWLING]
- But they all just laughed in his face ♪
- [LAUGHING]
[SCREAMING]
He broke out of them chains ♪
Climbed straight to the top ♪
Picked up a girl along the way ♪
Showed 'em all who was boss ♪
'Cause back in his hometown ♪
They called him the king ♪
And it wasn't about his size, uh-uh ♪
And I think of my friend ♪
Every time that I feel small ♪
He never let his tiny penis ♪
Make 'em forget he
was the greatest of all ♪
He was mighty ♪
Mighty, mighty ♪
Mighty as Kong ♪
[ROARS]
Yeah, he was mighty ♪
Mighty, mighty ♪
Yeah, mighty as Kong ♪
As sure as my name is Glen Henderson ♪
You can find me at home ♪
On Maplewood Drive ♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
[SCREAMING]
Glen has a small dick, yeah. ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Da-do-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
Oh! [CHUCKLES]
Oh
Nice place.
Oh, thanks. It's new.
[BOTH MOANING]
[GRUNTS] Geez.
Huh.
You're disappointed.
- No.
- You said,
"Huh", like, "Huh, that's small".
I didn't say that.
All right, come on.
Let's talk about this.
Do we really need to?
Yes, we do.
I can tell when I'm being laughed at.
Oh, no, I wasn't laughing.
[CHUCKLES] I'm-I'm
laughing a little now,
'cause you're making such
a big deal out of this.
Sara?
Who's the baddest guy in town?
The one cat you don't want
to meet in a dark alley,
whose masculinity is beyond question?
I don't know.
You?
It's King Kong.
- Okay.
- You doubt that?
No, no, no. King Kong, he's tough.
You're damn right those
clowns that went to his island
found that out the hard way.
And in their hubris,
they chained up a king
and put him on display for the
whole world to point and laugh.
It pisses me off just thinking about it.
Okay.
Where is this going?
I got a little math lesson for you.
- Oh.
- The average male gorilla
is about five and a half feet tall.
Kong stands somewhere
in the ballpark of 30 feet,
five times the size of
the average male gorilla.
Now a gorilla's penis
is one inch long, erect.
No way.
Look it up if you don't believe me.
Following that logic, it stands to
reason that King Kong's erect penis
is five inches long.
That would mean that I,
just a guy named Glen,
have the same-sized penis
as King motherfucking Kong.
Cool.
Can we have sex now?
Yes.
Now we can.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
SARA: It was one of the weirdest
things I've ever experienced.
Dude, Glen's awesome.
Yeah, I like him a lot, but, man,
I have never seen someone
get so self-conscious
about something so stupid.
Plus, he's ignoring the new movies.
I'm crunching the numbers over here,
and new Kong's penis
is, like, 20 inches long.
All this doesn't make me think
your boyfriend Glen is any cooler.
It just makes me feel bad for King Kong.
Yeah, and it makes you
rethink the whole movie.
Maybe that's why he
climbed the Empire State.
All to prove to himself
how mighty he is.
Yeah, it's like
I'm not as big as I'd like to be ♪
They came to my jungle ♪
They laughed at me. ♪
- [LAUGHS]
- Something like that?
Okay, let's stop.
Let's get some real work done, okay?
And mighty as Kong. ♪
[VOCALIZING]
That's good.
Sara, that might be the best
song we've ever written.
Oh, too bad we can
never actually release it.
- Wha? Why, why not?
- If Glen ever heard this,
he'd know that I'm making fun of
the thing that he's most ashamed of.
- So?
- So, he'd break up with me.
I cannot stress this enough.
This song can never
see the light of day.
Ever.
Got it?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Now, that there's a
Romanée-Conti from 1945.
Paid $52,000 for it.
Holy shit.
Yep.
So, uh, Kendra tells me you've been
churning out some pretty cool tunes.
Thought I'd come around, see if I
can catch me some of that pixie dust.
Cheers, man.
Cheers.
Wow! I-I I-I just can't believe it.
I'm hanging out with
country/rock legend Philip Combs.
I'm such a huge fan.
So how's the wine, Pierce?
Is it worth 52 grand?
I-I honestly, I don't know if
anything's really worth, uh, 52 grand.
Well, let me cork it back up. [GRUNTS]
Hey, Pierce.
Did you know a duck's penis
is shaped like a corkscrew?
- Really?
- Yeah,
look it up if you don't believe me.
Hey, did you know that King
Kong's penis is five inches?
- Shut the shit up.
- Yeah.
Sara and I wrote a
song about it, actually.
Now, that's something I'd love to hear.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, shit.
I I just remembered.
I'm-I'm not supposed
to play it for anybody.
Oh, come on, man.
I-I can't, Phil. I'm sorry.
I made a promise to Sara.
Half the song is hers.
Well, just play me your half.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, you want to have sex?
I'd love to.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Wait, hang on.
[GROANS] It's Pierce.
- Hello?
- Hey, Sara.
- Philip Combs here.
- Oh, my God!
Hi! Um
I wasn't expecting this.
You've been holding out on
the world, haven't you, girl?
- Excuse me?
- You tried to cage the king!
I want "Mighty as Kong"
- on my next album.
- Um
We weren't planning
on releasing that song.
Yeah, Pierce told me you
don't want to part with it.
So, for your trouble, I'm
willing to give you $52,000
or one bottle of wine.
Take the money, Sara.
He's trying to get rid
- of the bottle of wine.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Let her decide.
Oh, my God, Philip Combs wants
to use our song, "Mighty as Kong"!
"Mighty as Kong"?
What's that about?
Um
That doesn't happen to be
about what we discussed
on our first night together, does it?
Well
Because we discussed
that in confidence, Sara.
I know you wouldn't mock me
by going off and writing
a song about my
awesome, King Kong-sized penis!
The song's not just about your penis!
It's-it's done very tastefully.
I mean, we only mentioned
your name once.
Sara I like you.
A lot.
I thought maybe you felt the same way.
I do.
I really do, Glen.
Well, then you have a choice to make.
What's more important to you?
My feelings?
Or your career?
He got to New York City ♪
He had just arrived ♪
He was hungry, he was naked ♪
He was barely alive ♪
Tried to make it big in showbiz ♪
- He showed 'em what he had ♪
- [GROWLING]
- But they all just laughed in his face ♪
- [LAUGHING]
[SCREAMING]
He broke out of them chains ♪
Climbed straight to the top ♪
Picked up a girl along the way ♪
Showed 'em all who was boss ♪
'Cause back in his hometown ♪
They called him the king ♪
And it wasn't about his size, uh-uh ♪
And I think of my friend ♪
Every time that I feel small ♪
He never let his tiny penis ♪
Make 'em forget he
was the greatest of all ♪
He was mighty ♪
Mighty, mighty ♪
Mighty as Kong ♪
[ROARS]
Yeah, he was mighty ♪
Mighty, mighty ♪
Yeah, mighty as Kong ♪
As sure as my name is Glen Henderson ♪
You can find me at home ♪
On Maplewood Drive ♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
[SCREAMING]
Glen has a small dick, yeah. ♪