Run the Burbs (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1 What up, Leo? Where's Rufus? Rufus? My goldfish.
His bowl's still in my room, but it's empty.
Oh, yeah.
Crazy story.
Uh, after you fell asleep, I went in your room like I always do, and I I tucked you back in.
And I look over at Rufus, and, um, I could tell that he Is Rufus dead? No! You're too much, my man.
He's He's on a farm.
Yeah.
That's Oh, no.
That's it, because I looked at him, and he looked so tired! So I found this, like, dope self-care spot for fish, and, uh, I took him.
In the middle of the night? I know.
Weird, right? When's he coming back? When he's ready.
Well, that's what they said.
We'll see.
(GROANING) Oh there's my big guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
I I I wanted to tell him, but he's he's so sensitive, and I I don't know where he gets it from.
Mm, yeah.
Well, he'll toughen up eventually.
(ANDREW SOBBING) KHIA: It smells so good.
(CHUCKLING) Chocolate chip cookie sandwiches with buttercream filling.
Ooh.
Can I have one? No.
Sorry.
I have a rough day at work.
Ooh.
It's fire-mageddon today.
Your mom's got to fire, like, eight people.
CAMILLE: Twelve people.
The entire department on the 32nd floor.
Well, I hope they can pay their rent off cookies.
- Khia! - Sorry! - They'll be okay, right? - Yeah.
I mean, like I always tell them, the next opportunity - is right around the corner.
- Hey.
CAMILLE: Right? El Tigre? Finally! Is Leo ordering stuff for himself now? Yeah.
We might be slipping up as parents.
(SIGHING) Well, I'm off.
I hope your day is better than mine.
- Bye, Mom! - You got this! - (SCREAMING ON PHONE) - Oh! What the hell is that? Face Rippers.
Ugh, really? Do you want to go see it with me? Are you Did you I'm not saying it again.
Fourteen years I have waited for my child to ask me to hang out as friends! A friend who has a car, who can drive me there.
Today is the day everything changes.
It's just a movie.
Yeah! (LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no.
Just, uh, our first, uh, hangout movie that you invited me to.
Yeah.
No big deal! - No problemo.
- (SCREAMING ON PHONE) (GROANING) But does it have to be that movie? Yeah.
All my friends have seen it, and they're making inside jokes.
Tell you what.
Double bill.
I'll see the horror if you see a rom-com chaser after.
Rom-coms are so cliché and predictable.
Exactly! They're cozy and safe, and no one has to climb a mountain without a harness.
That wasn't even a horror movie.
Yeah.
Tell that to my nightmares.
- MAN ON PHONE: Rip, rip.
- What? MAN ON PHONE: Take a sip.
(SCREAMING ON PHONE) Finally.
You said, "Start the movie," and then you disappeared to the bathroom.
The entire police academy has practically graduated.
I was trying to fix my mind palace.
You've lost me.
The basement bathroom.
It's been clogged for days.
You know, when I was a kid, there was one bathroom.
You have three.
Pick another one.
But it's my favourite one! Everyone else avoids it.
I do all my thinking in there, and I've got a lot of thinking to do.
- What's on your mind? - LEO: Lots of stuff, like, where do thoughts even come from? And I'm trying to figure out which pizza's the best right now and what I want for my birthday and Okay.
Why don't we focus on the most important thing first? Have you tried a plunger? Plunger was useless.
- I've even tried El Tigre.
- El Tigre, you say? It's basically the hottest name in drain snakes right now.
- And? - It got stuck, and the toilet's still clogged.
Not for long.
To the mind palace! (GRUNTING) So, have all your friends seen Face Rippers? - Yeah.
- (SIGHING) It was so much easier when you liked cartoons.
- What's it about? - Well, the title's pretty self-explanatory.
It's a family on a farm who Why is it always a farm? - WOMAN: I don't care.
- KHIA: I don't know.
WOMAN: It needs to move.
You own a driveway.
Does it, though? I mean, like, does anyone really know where anything needs to be? - (BARB SIGHING) - What's going on? Barb wants me to move the car, but it's dead.
Have some respect for the dead, Barbara.
- Uh - Dad, we've got a movie to see.
Ignore us.
We're just passing through.
Have I taught you nothing? Our neighbour is being harassed.
No, you just don't want to go see Face Rippers.
Oh, that is a shocking accusation.
All I can think about is Face Rippers.
What can we do? Can we push it? Nah, the trunk's full of bricks.
I don't care what you have to do, but it need to be off the sidewalk ASAP, or else.
Or else what? You keep hounding me? How does a ticket and a tow truck sound? Um, I prefer the hounding.
(LAUGHING) - (BARB GROANING) - Hey, I'll get the car - and some jumper cables.
- What? - Barbara.
- Dad! We'll be out of here in five minutes, tops! (SIGHING) CAMILLE: I'm so sorry, and really, we would have to do this even if you were doing a great job.
(CHUCKLING) And your next opportunity is right around the corner.
Hi.
Thank you.
- How many kills so far? - Four down, eight to go.
(LAUGHING) That's tough.
Eh, it's just business.
I'll keep that in mind if I ever have to lay you off.
(CHUCKLING) Why are you in such a chipper mood? Well, between you and me, I just found out that legal is moving up to the newly vacant 32nd floor.
It looks like I might be getting a corner office! Plus, they have a patio with a bar.
I'm beginning to understand the problems on 32.
Oh, Fiona, who's next? Next is your oat milk cappuccino.
Ah, you're the best.
Thank you.
Look at these! They're all mentioning them on the way out.
Anything to cushion the blow.
Let's take a pic for your followers.
Okay.
Sure.
Um - (SNAPPING) - Amazing.
I'll send these to you.
You've got Jeffries in five, if we can find him.
Some of them have gone into hiding.
You should check up on the 32nd floor.
I hate fire-mageddon.
You know, if you want a company lawyer present, I'd be happy to tag-team it.
Sam, you do not want any part of this.
I got you.
Now, let's go fire some people.
(SIGHING) - (BANGING) - Boom.
You got him.
Hey, come on.
Look.
We could still catch A Dance Encounter, where the love starts when the music stops.
Forget about it.
You made me miss my movie.
- I'm going home.
- Khia! Hey, you're good to move the car, right? Oh, yeah.
Thanks for your help.
Yeah.
- (POPPING) - Huh? Sebastian, what are you doing? What? Uh, nothing.
Um Aw, man.
This tire is broken.
No, it's not.
What's going on? (SIGHING) Okay.
(SIGHING) I love her.
- Who? - Barb is the one! (KISSING, GRUNTING) - ANDREW: What? - Yeah.
Dude.
SAM: Listen, we could sit here and tell you how much we appreciate you, - but I'd rather be honest - And tell you words just couldn't express it.
At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with performance.
Well, it has something to do with performance.
All right, Rick.
Do you want the good news or the bad news? Good news is, we love your shirt! (LAUGHING) The bad news is, you're getting fired.
Take a bag.
Next! Is this about my maternity leave? - Um - Uh, um Susan Johnson? - Jackson.
- BOTH: Susan Jackson! Oh.
- You are excused.
- And yeah.
Congratulations.
Susan Johnson, right? - You're fired.
- Uh, but we're here for you if you ever need a reference letter or anything.
- No.
- 'Kay.
- (WHIRRING) - (LEO GROANING) LEO: We've been doing this for an hour! - (GURGLING) - You're just listening to the toilet! Don't question my methods.
I've been clogging and unclogging toilets - for most of my life.
- (WHIRRING, GURGLING) Wait! That's it! - LEO: Pull! Just pull! - (BUBBLING) It's coming up.
It'll go back down.
Probably.
Maybe just get ready to run.
(BUBBLING) (CHUCKLING) You don't see that every day.
Rufus? Your fish? Oh! Oh.
I don't know if my head hurts more or my heart.
We just fired eight people in a row.
This really stirred up some things for me.
I might have to chase this feeling.
I feel like my soul's being sucked out of my body.
Hey! Hope you're both okay after all that.
Thanks, Fiona.
You've been so amazing.
You got it.
Quick thing, Camille, before you check your phone.
I accidentally sent you the wrong photos.
(CHUCKLING) So please ignore those.
Pretty confidential stuff.
Of course, Fiona, and thank you again, really.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Oh, Sam! Oh, I'm sorry.
I just I 1,000 percent need to check and see what she sent by accident.
She said it was confidential! Camille, look at me.
- (SNAPPING) - Did you just steal my face? Fiona.
(LAUGHING) We got nudes.
Okay.
No.
Sam, no.
That is an invasion of privacy.
Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
Is that my desk? Oh.
I know you think you're going to hate this movie, but there's this crazy chase sequence in it.
Okay, fine.
It's a guy chasing a girl - in the rain with a ukulele.
- What? Okay.
Cookies and shrimp crackers ready to sneak into the movies.
Think Sebastian's okay? He's not in love with Barb.
It's not emotionally possible.
But what if it is possible? This could be a real-life rom-com.
Oh, my God! We could bring people together.
We just got to set them up on a Meet cute! Please say "meet cute"! - I'm not going to say that.
- Say "meet cute"! Fine.
Meet cute.
Ha! Now, we're talking! Okay.
We can do this.
(SNAPPING) Sebastian is the hot guy with the heart of gold.
Barb is the nerd that nobody likes.
I got an idea for a venue: a wedding.
Who do we know that's getting married? Nobody.
Think smaller.
Oh! I can do that.
All he wanted was for his daughter to become his best friend.
What he didn't realize was that Stop it! they were best friends all along! - No! - This summer, get ready for Father-Daughter Matchmaker.
KHIA: Dad! Look at me! Look at me! I am the matchmaker now.
Fiona, we've worked together a long time.
Uh, you were the only person there for me when I got food poisoning from that amazing burger.
- I remember.
- And then when I got sick again after eating the leftovers from that same burger.
You were hungry.
I get it.
(CAMILLE CHUCKLING) We are a good team.
But you must know why you're here, right? Not really.
You sent me nude photos of yourself sprawled out across my desk, Fiona! I specifically asked you not to open them.
Camille, you work in human resources.
This is not a good look.
What? What I have just fired 12 people! I'm exhausted.
All I want to do is go home, but instead, I have to have this meeting with you, and now, I'm definitely going to be stuck in peak traffic! Could have just talked tomorrow! No, we couldn't, Fiona, because You're fired.
Okay.
Okay.
I've done this a lot today.
You're taking this exceptionally well.
Honestly, Camille, it might be the push I need.
How do you mean? I saw all the work you've done with your foodie page, and it inspired me to make my own fan page.
I mean, this is dramatically different than what I do, but I make more per hour there than I do here.
You've helped me manifest my true destiny.
I should thank you, really.
You're welcome? Uh here.
CAMILLE: My fans are going to love these.
You sanitized my desk after the photoshoot, though, right? So, Sebastian's going to arrive first, because we told him that we have a buyer interested in bulk purchasing aquariums.
Is that a normal thing that happens in the high-stakes world of aquarium sales? It doesn't matter, because he won't be able to think about anything when he sees Barb.
Then he's going to sit at this table, and when Barb approaches, I'm going to hand him - this box of roses.
- When he gets up, I get up and bump into Barb.
Barb bumps into Sebastian.
The roses fall on the ground, and they lean in to pick them up.
Meet cute engaged.
- That's a lot of setup.
- Oh, it's about creating a moment, putting two people together so they can really see each other for the first time.
Then the rest is up to them.
Oh! Damn it, Barbara! Why? You bumped into me! Meet cute engaged.
You need to clean this up.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) And that, my young friend, is Police Academy 6.
I'm sorry.
I'm still dealing with my loss.
(SIGHING) (GRUNTING) Beta, at some level, you must have known your fish wasn't prancing around a farm, right? It's not Rufus.
I knew Ba was lying about that.
But why'd they flush him in my mind palace? It's ruined.
I know how you feel.
Your nani and I used to love watching TV.
We'd watch Three's Company, Dallas, MA#SH.
I have no clue.
You don't need to know.
Pure classics, though.
But we'd watch them in our living room, our happy place.
And then after she died, I didn't want to be there anymore.
But eventually, I felt like it would be comforting to watch our shows again.
So I got back on that horse.
You know what I mean? Not really.
Thanks, though.
No, because you see, the horse is the sofa, and so Eh.
- Is it done? - Yeah.
You know, I actually have more followers than she does, but she does get a lot of likes on those feet pics.
Hey, so, I was up at the bar on 32, and I happened to run into some of the big bosses.
And they are really happy with you right now.
Oh, great.
I mean, one promotion, two promotions, who knows? Uh, maybe you won't have to live in the burbs anymore.
(LAUGHING) I genuinely like it there.
What's going on here? I just gave you some amazing news.
Yeah.
No.
You're right.
It's great, and thank you so much for your help today.
Any time.
Look.
Today was what you do.
I mean, this is HR, isn't it? Not really.
I mean, it used to be a lot of hiring and good news, and now, it's a lot of firing and ruining people's lives.
Layoffs after layoffs.
So what are you going to do, quit? You got to give me notice if I have to audition new work friends.
I'm not going anywhere, except home.
Okay.
Well, enjoy the four podcasts you'll listen to on the drive back.
It's six, actually.
Barbara, I don't like you, and you don't like me.
On that we can agree, Drew.
- Can I call you Drew? - You cannot.
So, Drew, what is all this? It's about Sebastian.
We think he likes you.
- Oh.
- So, do you like him back? Just wait.
Think about your celebrity couple name: - Barbastian.
- No.
Look.
Not that this is any of your business, but I actually did give him a chance three years ago.
I was at rock bottom.
We went on one date.
Ugh.
From the gentleman at the bar.
It's milk.
Warm milk.
ANDREW: Come on.
Give him a chance.
- You might warm up to him.
- BARB: Ugh.
That was that was good.
Excuse me.
Sebastian, a word.
I don't know, Dad.
I think this rom-com might turn into a horror movie.
Oh, you look like you've got a fresh pep in your step.
I thought about what you said, and you were right.
How so? I think Rufus would have wanted me to use the basement bathroom again, just like Nani wanted you to use the living room.
So I'm okay now.
I know he's in a better place.
The toilet's unclogged, and now, so is my mind.
What a wild way to come to terms with death.
Whatever works for you.
Thanks for helping me today.
Hey, if I can't help my grandson unclog his half-flushed goldfish, what kind of grandfather am I? SEBASTIAN: One thing you don't know about me is, one time, I trapped myself in my own cage in my basement.
Oh, of course you did.
Whatever happens, today was amazing.
It was all right.
Because we found out that you're a hopeless romantic Ah! just like your dad.
Whatever.
- (BARB LAUGHING) - What's happening? - BARB: Oh, Sebastian.
- This is so exciting.
BARB: That's pretty crazy.
(LAUGHING) Barb.
- KHIA: Wait.
What? - Oh.
Oh, no.
- ANDREW: Why is he - Just wait.
Oh, this is too bad.
I can't watch.
(ANDREW GROANING) - It's for your neck.
- (BARB SIGHING) No, Sebastian.
I guess you can't force fate.
(KHIA GROANING) That was hard to watch.
(CLEARING THROAT) SEBASTIAN: Yeah.
So, I think I'd rather Barb and I just be friends.
Cleaner that way.
No fuss.
Yeah, man.
That's a good idea.
These need water.
Oh! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, my God.
We created a moment.
You should be way more careful.
- What? - (SEBASTIAN GRUNTING) SEBASTIAN: Bottle of milk for the road, Cathy.
(SIGHING, GROANING) Hey, babe.
- CAMILLE: Hey.
- ANDREW: Hey.
- How'd it go? - Exhausting, although apparently, I inspired Fiona to live out her dreams.
Hey, that's a win! That was after I fired her.
Aw, that is a loss.
CAMILLE: Hmm.
I'm sorry today was so rough.
- That's HR.
- Yeah.
How was the movie? Oh, uh, we didn't go.
We, uh, lived one instead.
Huh.
Well, I hope you still had popcorn, because check this out.
Whoa! You passed 25,000 followers! - Look at you! - I know.
Hey, did I ever tell you I've gotten, like, requests before, like, in my DMs? Oh.
Are you going to leaving me? No! I mean, like, requests for, like, catering and events like that.
You never mentioned that.
Yeah.
KHIA: Dad! Face Rippers is on streaming! Come on! Let's watch! (ANDREW YELPING) You never saw me.
(SCARY MUSIC PLAYING) (SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING ON TV) (ANDREW GROANING) WOMAN ON TV: He's dead! ANDREW: How is this fun? It's fun because it's not real.
Move, move, move, move, move.
- Yeah, it's funny.
- Ah! Sue me for getting lost in movie magic.
- I get transported.
- (SCREAMING ON TV) - Oh! Oh! Okay.
- (ANDREW GROANING) That's actually That's kind of gross.
That's gross.
(ANDREW GROANING) I don't like this feeling.
You guys are being babies.
(ANDREW GROANING) Let me know when I can look.
It's okay now.
- (ALL SCREAMING) - Stop! WOMAN ON TV: I think we should split up, and search the house.
MAN 1 ON TV: I'm just gonna go down to the basement.
MAN 2 ON TV: Y'all go down there, and I'll go get the cops.
MAN 3 ON TV: They call me the Face Ripper.
(ALL SCREAMING) WOMAN ON TV: Let's get out of here! - (EVIL LAUGH) - Oh my God! His face is gone! MAN 3 ON TV: Snip, snip, rip, rip.
MAN 4 ON TV: Is anybody in here? Alex? Alex? Where's your face? MAN 3 ON TV: Hello, kids.