Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Trafficking and the Traffic King
1 Yo, yo, yo Han-Fans! It's the Han-Man coming to you live and direct.
My agent, Nate, just got off a conference call with Susanne, Virginia, Derek, Dustin, Danny Z.
, Andrea, Angel, and Tiffany at YouTube Red, and guess who just got re-re-cast as the lead of his own show?! [LAUGHS.]
That's right! This guy! Had to take a bit of a salary cut, but as what they call "a producer in name only," I'll probably have a ton more responsibilities.
And even though I'm getting way screwed on the back end, as an artist, I think we're making something special here.
Or should I say, something special hare? [LAUGHS.]
Get it? Hare? And here's some breaking news.
I just landed an audition for "Drive 2: Unlicensed.
" Love the original, obvi, so this is a real honor even though, you know, neither Gosling nor Refn are involved in the sequel.
But still I was born to play the silent brooding type.
Am I right? Doggone right I'm right! Ow-owww! Whoa, how come nobody's ever done a reboot of "K-9"? Seriously, I got to talk to Nate about that.
- Hansen, Hansen! - What? Your stupid ass just ran through the crime scene! Oh.
Whoopsies.
Why are you riding around on a skateboard? Uh, because nobody walks in L.
A.
unless it's from a screening to an after party.
And FYI, this is not a skateboard, okay? It's a hoverboard.
It's way cooler.
Except, you know, sometimes they explode.
Well, FYI, you look like a goddamn child on that thing.
Well, you look like McGruff the Crime Dog.
So cute.
Take a bite out of my heart.
Give me that.
So, what's the haps on the ol' homicide here? Oh! Let me guess series regular.
Total shocker.
It's "Red Wedding" all over again! Oh! Is it Captain Jackson? Talk about a water-cooler moment.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
Should've said "spoiler alert.
" Looks like rival gangs tried to make a deal on some product and something went bad.
Getaway car flattened all four of them.
What makes you say that? Well, you see these tire marks on the ground leading up to the bodies? And those same tire marks going away from the bodies? - Kind of tells a story, doesn't it? - Eh.
I like my stories to have a more traditional three-act structure.
Okay, here's the beginning, middle, and end.
[SIGHS.]
Judging from the tattoo on this guy's neck, these four are from Calle Dos a Salvadorian gang known for supplying L.
A.
with half of its coke.
Someone wanted their stash and they ran over them to get it.
And whoever did that must have made off with enough of their supply to Ooh! To power the Chateau Marmont for a month? To fill Brett Ratner's hot tub? Oh! To kill Randy Quaid? I was gonna say "to make a lot of money.
" Right.
Well, this is all real tragic.
It is, but none of these guys look like actors.
They're drug dealers.
Unless you know an actor with barbed wire tattooed on his throat.
- Could be Jared Leto.
- It's not Jared Leto.
Okay.
So, they're not actors.
Do we still have to solve the case? Yes, that would be the role of the police, - traditionally speaking.
- [SIGHS.]
Fine.
All right.
Any witnesses? Just everyone at this coffee shop.
But apparently they were too busy working on their screenplays to notice shit.
Maybe I can jog their memory.
"Boston's 'Boston:' The Making of the Album 'Boston' by Boston"? Whoa.
Hansen to Blacklist.
- I think we got a winner here.
- What's that? Well, it's an annual list of the best unproduced screenplays.
I think it's getting a little political, but last year's winner, "Unfortunate Nun: The Untold Story of Freddy Krueger's Mother," - really got me thinking.
- I mean, what's that? Looks like some sort of broken smartphone.
Oversized 8-Plus, 256 gigs, and do I detect a custom titanium case forged from aircraft-grade material? So this case is special? Was River Phoenix special and was he taken from us too soon? Yes.
A phone like that doesn't just sit out there in the street.
All the victims had burners.
Oh, nice.
Like "The Wire," right? So cool.
You know, I auditioned for Prop Joe, but they went a different direction.
What if that's the killer's phone? That's a pretty big leap to make.
Yeah, but why plant a clue this early in the episode if it's not gonna pay off? I mean, that's, like, Drama 101, right? And I literally just took that class online.
Okay, it's the best lead we have for now.
Might as well take it to the lab, - see if we can't get any prints off the case.
- Nice.
RYAN: Hey.
Since it's episode 4, how about I drive? Got to do a little research for my audition for "Drive 2: Unlicensed.
" Well, the license I have is from the Cleveland PD for completing one of the top precision-driving programs in the country, so get comfy in that passenger seat.
Oh, for real? Any tips? Just one.
Buckle up.
Nice.
What the hell is this? What, you don't have traffic in Cleveland? Like, on the way out of town, maybe? Oh! Yeah, but it's 11:00 on a Tuesday.
How is it bumper-to-bumper? Doesn't anyone work in this stupid city? We work on ourselves.
Please just shut up.
Hmm.
I guess some of us have more work to do than others.
Oh, don't worry.
This is pretty light by L.
A.
standards.
We'll be on our way any minute now.
[HORN HONKS.]
This is insane.
There's got to be some way around this.
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure "Alvarado" is Spanish for "parking lot.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
But no, if Waze says to do this, then What's "Waze"? Wait, we haven't been using Waze? Well, given that I just said "What is Waze?" probably not.
Waze is a crowdsourced navigation app that is scientifically engineered by scientists to beat traffic.
It's the most important thing an Angeleno could have on their phone.
Other than Raya.
But I don't think you're legally allowed to know about that, so just forget that I said anything.
Wait, if you haven't been using Waze Don't tell me you've been using Apple Maps? - Google Maps? Not MapQuest.
Come on.
- No, the Thomas guide.
Look, I think I know where we are, but could you just flip to page 8? It's grid Q24.
Q24.
Okay, yeah.
That says, uh, take Oregon Trail north to Plymouth Rock.
Okay, great.
Very funny.
And congratulations on failing seventh-grade geography.
I'd use this GPS, but this thing quit on me.
Well, no wonder we're stuck! I mean, we might as well be watching YouTube Red on a microwave.
Geez.
Why would I watch YouTube Red? A compelling lead performance.
Duh.
Okay, now don't pay attention to that thing.
Just sit back and wonder at the magic and mystery of the Waze algorithm.
Check this out.
WAZE: Make a left.
Make a left.
[HORNS HONKING, INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
It would not tell us to take a left-hand turn across three lanes of traffic unless it knew something that we didn't, so go ahead.
- Make a left.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Go ahead.
- Make a left.
- Okay.
I got it.
- Make a left.
Okay.
Shut up.
Excuse me! We need to make a left here.
Take a left! We're gonna take a left.
- Just follow the Waze! - Make a left.
Shut up, Hansen! Just shut that thing off.
- Make a left.
It's still talking to me! - Shut it off! - Make a left.
- I can't make a fucking left here.
I got four dead bodies, a killer on the loose, and a pair of cops who can't drive from Echo Park to downtown in under two hours.
How is this happening? I don't understand the traffic either, sir.
Don't these people have jobs? I can confirm that acting is more of a calling than a profession, sir.
So, the answer to that question may be a little more complicated than you'd think.
I anticipate we'll be there soon.
- Did you use Waze? - Well, she made me turn it off.
Great.
While you two have been playing slow-motion "Cannonball Run," actual police work has been going on here.
And it's been goddamn exciting! A lab tech was able to lift a partial imprint off the front bumper from one of the victims.
Hold on, I'm gonna send it to you now.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Whoa.
That dude got housed hard.
Torso fail! There was no plate, so the car must be new.
From Lee's Import Imporium in Agoura Hills.
That's a better lead than broken plastic, don't you think? Actually, I think they're both pretty interesting story devices, sir.
As you knuckleheads know, it takes about a month for the DMV to issue new plates for a car.
So, if you want to find out who owns the car, I would suggest you turn around and drive your asses south onto the 110, west onto the 10, north to the 405 up to Lee's in Agoura Hills.
Watch all of the security footage from this month and see who bought a new car.
Those will be your suspects.
You want us to watch a month of security footage? I mean, wouldn't that take, like years? - A month.
- Yeah, a month.
Better get started quick then.
Now get the hell out of my office.
Technically, we are not in your office.
Sir? I think we got cut off.
Are we in a canyon? Ugh! This episode's really starting to challenge my basic good nature.
I mean, don't you have a siren or something? I'm a homicide detective, not highway patrol.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just feeling so bottled up! It's frustrating, all right.
No, I mean, like, I feel like I'm in a bottle episode.
You know, where they try to save money by limiting the number of sets.
Please, no more TV-industry jargon.
- You think we're in a barrel? - What? It means too many jokes about the same thing.
You know what? You are so knowledgeable.
Maybe this police stuff is a waste of your talent.
I know.
Makes me wonder if I chose the right high-concept second profession.
Wish I were a drug dealer instead, with all that cool shit? Sweet-ass imported car, killer phone in a one-of-a-kind custom case Right so if anyone at the dealership recognizes that phone, then we found our guy! Way to figure it out, Hansen! I did what now? Eh, who cares.
Let's ride this narrative momentum all the way to Agoura Hills, baby! Boop boooo! Doo-dee-doo! Hey, I want to solve this crime, too.
Even though the victims aren't even show-biz adjacent.
Although one of them gave off a pretty strong Danny Trejo vibe.
You're giving off a pretty strong racist vibe.
Okay, how can I be racist if I have an African-American best friend? You have an African-American friend? Ha ha ha.
Come here.
- What are you doing? - Come here.
Why are you getting close to me? I want to tell you a secret.
Come here! Who is gonna hear us? My first agent's assistant once told me you never know who's listening.
[SIGHS.]
Anybody who's ever taken Fountain instead of Sunset thinks they're some sort of traffic Jedi.
But my shortcuts are packed with midi-chlorians, which is why I've never told them to anyone.
And I'm trusting you with this, okay? - So - Yeah.
I got it.
- Okay.
Great.
- You know some roads that nobody else does? Crisscrossing town is all part of the craft.
Sometimes, I have an audition on the west side, table read in the Valley, and a wrap party downtown.
It's all part of the hashtag ActorLyfe.
And yeah, Lyfe is spelled with a "Y.
" - Why? - Yes.
No, why is it sp - You know what? - What? Never mind.
Get us across town.
Okay.
You ready? - Yes.
- Here we go.
I know! Let's play 20 questions.
It's a classic road-trip game! This is not a road trip.
Okay, you guess first.
I'll give you a hint.
I am thinking of an actor.
Is it you? God, you are a good detective.
Unh! Man.
All right, your turn.
Are you thinking of an actor? - No! - Oh, then I don't know.
I'm thinking about how much I hate Los Angeles.
Whoa! Mathers, not cool.
Okay, this is the City of Angels we're talking about here.
- Did you even see "La La Land"? - Why would I see "La La Land"? Hey, "Moonlight" was great, too! Or so I heard.
I'm gonna watch it soon.
And I totally cheered when they tied for Best Picture.
Maybe it'd help with traffic if I do, like, a "La La Land" thing on the hood.
Right? Don't do a "La La Land" thing on the hood.
Why, because I might bring joy back to streaming Internet television? It's just a little contemporary jazz dance.
People are really gonna dig it.
Trust me.
Do not get out of this car.
- [JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey.
Hey! - Hansen! - Whoo! - Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
- Who the fuck is that guy? Come on, everybody! Out of your cars! Let's go! - I'm late for work! - [HORNS HONKING.]
- Whoo! - Don't make me shoot you.
MAN: Get down.
WOMAN: Hey, Seacrest, get back in the car.
RYAN: Whoo! - You're a terrible dancer.
- Get down.
Come on, everybody! Get in here now! MAN: Fuck you, asshole! - [GROANS.]
- You suck.
[LAUGHS.]
Ow.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, you did cheer me up.
Well, that's great.
But, confesh time, I didn't just do it for you.
That was a bit of a backdoor audition.
According to the geotag on his Instagram, Pete Berg is in this very same traffic jam.
Who's Pete Berg? Um, ever heard of "Friday Night Lights"? The movie and the show? "Battleship," the movie, but not the game? He's a multihyphenate cinema treasure and also the director of "Hamilton: American Vengeance," the movie remake with no songs.
Oh, my God.
Do you see that BLS car? Tinted windows, aura of power surrounding it like a halo? That's got to be Berg's.
Excusez-moi.
- Whoa.
- Mr.
Berg.
Pete.
Hey.
Ryan Hansen.
You probably recognize my voice from a guest spot on "American Dad!" and my face from a non-speaking role on "Power Rangers Wild Force.
" That's what you're leading with? This is crazy, but I read for "Hamilton: American Vengeance," for the ah! Classic Pete Berg.
Not gonna come at you hard with the compliments.
I totally respect that, Pete! - Wow.
- Wow.
Your gray hairs really pop in this light.
Ha ha, ooh! That's impossible because I'm solidly in my early 30s.
The same age Aaron Burr was in his early 30s! So [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Aren't you gonna get that? Who's Donna? [CELLPHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING.]
Oh! Sweet Bluetooth.
- [BLUETOOTH BEEPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, you.
What's up? Oh, yeah.
No, I'm sorry about that.
I know.
I know it's hard.
Hey, look, I can't really talk right now, but can I call you later? Okay.
I love you.
We're gonna be okay.
Bye.
What? I just never heard you talk like that.
Usually you're all like, "Aah!" you know? And that was so sweet.
Whoa.
Is that your Is Donna your, um Just so you know, I'm an ally.
I go to the Abbey all the time.
I'm pretty much an honorary member of the team, so - She's back in Cleveland.
- Long distance.
- That's well, that's rough.
- No, it's not like that.
Donna is She was my [CLEARS THROAT.]
She's my old partner's wife.
He was the best cop I've ever known.
Five years together, and then just one night, just a random traffic stop, guy had a .
38 hidden in the glove box and Fuck, I don't know, I just guess I wasn't fast enough.
Tough to find cops who wanted to partner up with me after that.
Who could blame them? I was kind of a bad luck charm.
I wanted to stay in Cleveland, but it got to be that there were just too many awful memories, too many broken hearts.
I needed a fresh start, and I guess I ju It's weird.
Pete Berg said he was in a hurry, right? But I just checked his geotag on his last Instagram, and I'm pretty sure he's still right there.
- Goddamn it! - What? Oh, were you monologuing? I thought you just wanted some space to yourself.
You know, it smelled like an exposition dump.
Just shut up, Hansen! Every time I see you, I think of the great man I lost, and how you're nothing close to him.
You're a joke.
You're, like, everything that's wrong with L.
A.
in one person.
You're the fucking Grove, and the freeway, and the goddamn airport that's impossible to get into or out of, all combined into one self-centered human being.
[SIGHS.]
- See, the trick to the airport - Just shut up! I don't want to talk anymore.
So what? We're just gonna sit here in silence? Well, don't come crying to me when this part ends up on the cutting room fl Okay, this is crazy.
We're just wasting film, or data, or whatever it's called now.
I Susanne, Virginia, Derek, Dustin, Danny Z.
, Andrea, Angela, and Tiffany at YouTube Red are gonna be so mad! Danny Z.
especially.
I mean, that guy is a real loose cannon.
[SIGHS.]
- [RADIO CLICKS ON.]
- Seems we never ever agree - You like the movies and I like TV - [HUMMING.]
Don't hum.
I'm sorry.
I love this song.
It perfectly sums up our dynamic.
I go to bed early And I party all night! - I said shut up, Hansen.
- You got to take Abdul.
- Take Abdul! - I'm not taking Abdul.
Come on.
It'll be a sing-a-long.
Like "Carpool Karaoke"? People love that shit.
I can't do both parts.
Hate to admit it, but I kind of love this song.
Oh! Me too.
I mean, it's a little on the nose, but Ooh, chorus, chorus! I take a-two steps forward Take two steps back We come together 'cause opposites attract Ooh, uh-oh It ain't fiction, just a natural fact We come together 'cause opposites attract Hey! We could be lovers She makes the bed And he steals the covers Guilty! She likes it neat And he makes a mess I take it easy Baby, I get obse-essed She's got the money And he's always broke - Oh, man! - I don't like cigarettes And I like to smo-o-ooke Things in common There just ain't one But when we get together, we have nothing but fun Two steps forward, a-two steps back Single, single, double, double.
Single, single, double.
You know it ain't fiction, just a natural fact We come together 'cause opposites attract - Go down, go down.
- Oh, yeah.
- Down in your seat.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Two steps forward, I take two steps back We come together 'cause opposites attract And you know it ain't fiction, just a natural fact - Hansen! - Oh, sorry.
We come together 'cause opposites attract [LAUGHS.]
That was so good! No wonder James Corden has a spin-off show.
[HORN HONKS.]
Oh, shit.
Check out that white Rover.
Could that be our guy? What are the odds he'd be stuck in the same gridlock? I'll answer that question with a question.
What do we know about the perp? New Rover from Lee's, and he had that super-cool phone only someone fancy would have.
Now, look at that parking permit for Harvard-Westlake.
What's Harvard-Westlake? It's like the CAA of high schools.
The WME of high schools? Still nothing? It's a really good school.
Plus, I'm pretty sure that's blood on the bumper.
Wait, the killer's a kid? He's turning on Rockingham.
Why would he be heading to Brentwood? Who could he be meeting there? I don't think he's meeting someone in Brentwood.
I think he lives in Brentwood! Shit! He ran down four gang members? These prep-school kids are under a lot of pressure.
I'm surprised he even fit in a quadruple murder with all the Mandarin classes and volunteer work in the Congo.
I got this.
Make way, make way.
Celebrity Vice Squad! A niche division of the LAPD! Shit.
He's getting away.
Wait! Wait a minute.
This is what you've trained for, Hansen.
Let's go.
It's okay.
I'm totally a cop.
Stay in your vehicles.
- Down! - [CRIES.]
Motherfucker.
[GROANING.]
Oh, you already got him.
Ow! How'd you get here so fast? I'm from Cleveland.
We like to use our legs from time to time.
God, it feels good to be out of that car.
I don't know how you people do this.
Well, that has got to be one of the most exciting low-speed chases that has ever ended on Rockingham! Whoa.
That is a shit ton of coke for one kid.
That's not coke, Mathers.
That's Preppy-White.
The Big Think.
Boarding School Barbara.
The Old Eye Opener.
Wakey-Wakey.
What the hell are you talking about? - It's Adderall.
- I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt, but I I needed an edge! You don't understand.
The PSAT was coming up, and anything less than a perfect score would demoralize me for the actual SAT! So you went down to Echo Park to get some Ivy Insulin.
But when they see you roll up in that car your dad got you for your 16th birthday And the phone your stepdad got you to show your real dad what's up They decided to change the terms of the deal.
And so did you.
By killing them.
[ENGINE REVS.]
And that's why you don't text and drive.
No, Hansen he wasn't texting and driving.
He killed them to get the drugs.
Oh, yeah.
No, I know.
It's just that's an important message, too.
So Well, Mathers, thanks to us, L.
A.
prep-schoolers are once against completely drug free.
I can't believe how far that kid would go for study drugs.
I know, right? A kid from Brentwood going all the way east of Robertson? No, I I meant that he killed for it.
Oh.
Well, they don't call Adderall Try-Hard Trixie for nothing.
Nobody calls it that.
No.
Some people call it the Stanford Snack Mix.
The A-Maker.
LSAT Sally.
Columbia Marching Band Powder.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Oh! Hey, I got you something.
- What? - It is a tomato.
It reminds me of Clooney because he was in "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" before he got, like, super famous.
Why do you want me to have it? Well, you know, you said people thought you were bad luck.
It's my good-luck charm.
I give it a rub before every audition because, well, you never know when things could turn around.
Also, I lose it all the time, so I got like 50 backup.
Here.
Here's another one.
- Hey, hey! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Daddy! - Daddy! Hi! Come here.
- Hi, guys.
- How was your day, honey? Oh, it was great.
Mwah! But it was tough.
Drank a lot of water, - and I didn't get to go number one.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Thank God you've been working your kegels so hard.
- You know it, babe.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, joking around is a lot of fun, but we got to talk.
Amy, kids, John Cryer Am I in "twouble"? [LAUGHTER.]
Now, girls, I know you're under a lot of academic pressure at school.
But no matter how hard it gets, I don't want you to get involved with drug cartels to buy uppers to get an edge on your classmates.
[APPLAUSE.]
But, Daddy, it's so hard to keep up in school.
Today we had to draw butterflies! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, buddy.
I think we're gonna be a-okay.
Hansen family hug! ALL: Mm.
Can I join in? [LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
Oh.
Ohh.
Yeah.
- Ahh! - Oh! John.
Can't breathe.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING.]
Any notes? PRODUCER: No.
Thank you, Mr.
Hansen.
Yeah.
And I just want to say I do all my own stunts and also my name is Ryan, so that's easy for everybody, 'cause Gosling, and That's not how casting works, Mr.
Hansen.
All right, thank you guys so much.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Thank you.
My agent, Nate, just got off a conference call with Susanne, Virginia, Derek, Dustin, Danny Z.
, Andrea, Angel, and Tiffany at YouTube Red, and guess who just got re-re-cast as the lead of his own show?! [LAUGHS.]
That's right! This guy! Had to take a bit of a salary cut, but as what they call "a producer in name only," I'll probably have a ton more responsibilities.
And even though I'm getting way screwed on the back end, as an artist, I think we're making something special here.
Or should I say, something special hare? [LAUGHS.]
Get it? Hare? And here's some breaking news.
I just landed an audition for "Drive 2: Unlicensed.
" Love the original, obvi, so this is a real honor even though, you know, neither Gosling nor Refn are involved in the sequel.
But still I was born to play the silent brooding type.
Am I right? Doggone right I'm right! Ow-owww! Whoa, how come nobody's ever done a reboot of "K-9"? Seriously, I got to talk to Nate about that.
- Hansen, Hansen! - What? Your stupid ass just ran through the crime scene! Oh.
Whoopsies.
Why are you riding around on a skateboard? Uh, because nobody walks in L.
A.
unless it's from a screening to an after party.
And FYI, this is not a skateboard, okay? It's a hoverboard.
It's way cooler.
Except, you know, sometimes they explode.
Well, FYI, you look like a goddamn child on that thing.
Well, you look like McGruff the Crime Dog.
So cute.
Take a bite out of my heart.
Give me that.
So, what's the haps on the ol' homicide here? Oh! Let me guess series regular.
Total shocker.
It's "Red Wedding" all over again! Oh! Is it Captain Jackson? Talk about a water-cooler moment.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
Should've said "spoiler alert.
" Looks like rival gangs tried to make a deal on some product and something went bad.
Getaway car flattened all four of them.
What makes you say that? Well, you see these tire marks on the ground leading up to the bodies? And those same tire marks going away from the bodies? - Kind of tells a story, doesn't it? - Eh.
I like my stories to have a more traditional three-act structure.
Okay, here's the beginning, middle, and end.
[SIGHS.]
Judging from the tattoo on this guy's neck, these four are from Calle Dos a Salvadorian gang known for supplying L.
A.
with half of its coke.
Someone wanted their stash and they ran over them to get it.
And whoever did that must have made off with enough of their supply to Ooh! To power the Chateau Marmont for a month? To fill Brett Ratner's hot tub? Oh! To kill Randy Quaid? I was gonna say "to make a lot of money.
" Right.
Well, this is all real tragic.
It is, but none of these guys look like actors.
They're drug dealers.
Unless you know an actor with barbed wire tattooed on his throat.
- Could be Jared Leto.
- It's not Jared Leto.
Okay.
So, they're not actors.
Do we still have to solve the case? Yes, that would be the role of the police, - traditionally speaking.
- [SIGHS.]
Fine.
All right.
Any witnesses? Just everyone at this coffee shop.
But apparently they were too busy working on their screenplays to notice shit.
Maybe I can jog their memory.
"Boston's 'Boston:' The Making of the Album 'Boston' by Boston"? Whoa.
Hansen to Blacklist.
- I think we got a winner here.
- What's that? Well, it's an annual list of the best unproduced screenplays.
I think it's getting a little political, but last year's winner, "Unfortunate Nun: The Untold Story of Freddy Krueger's Mother," - really got me thinking.
- I mean, what's that? Looks like some sort of broken smartphone.
Oversized 8-Plus, 256 gigs, and do I detect a custom titanium case forged from aircraft-grade material? So this case is special? Was River Phoenix special and was he taken from us too soon? Yes.
A phone like that doesn't just sit out there in the street.
All the victims had burners.
Oh, nice.
Like "The Wire," right? So cool.
You know, I auditioned for Prop Joe, but they went a different direction.
What if that's the killer's phone? That's a pretty big leap to make.
Yeah, but why plant a clue this early in the episode if it's not gonna pay off? I mean, that's, like, Drama 101, right? And I literally just took that class online.
Okay, it's the best lead we have for now.
Might as well take it to the lab, - see if we can't get any prints off the case.
- Nice.
RYAN: Hey.
Since it's episode 4, how about I drive? Got to do a little research for my audition for "Drive 2: Unlicensed.
" Well, the license I have is from the Cleveland PD for completing one of the top precision-driving programs in the country, so get comfy in that passenger seat.
Oh, for real? Any tips? Just one.
Buckle up.
Nice.
What the hell is this? What, you don't have traffic in Cleveland? Like, on the way out of town, maybe? Oh! Yeah, but it's 11:00 on a Tuesday.
How is it bumper-to-bumper? Doesn't anyone work in this stupid city? We work on ourselves.
Please just shut up.
Hmm.
I guess some of us have more work to do than others.
Oh, don't worry.
This is pretty light by L.
A.
standards.
We'll be on our way any minute now.
[HORN HONKS.]
This is insane.
There's got to be some way around this.
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure "Alvarado" is Spanish for "parking lot.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
But no, if Waze says to do this, then What's "Waze"? Wait, we haven't been using Waze? Well, given that I just said "What is Waze?" probably not.
Waze is a crowdsourced navigation app that is scientifically engineered by scientists to beat traffic.
It's the most important thing an Angeleno could have on their phone.
Other than Raya.
But I don't think you're legally allowed to know about that, so just forget that I said anything.
Wait, if you haven't been using Waze Don't tell me you've been using Apple Maps? - Google Maps? Not MapQuest.
Come on.
- No, the Thomas guide.
Look, I think I know where we are, but could you just flip to page 8? It's grid Q24.
Q24.
Okay, yeah.
That says, uh, take Oregon Trail north to Plymouth Rock.
Okay, great.
Very funny.
And congratulations on failing seventh-grade geography.
I'd use this GPS, but this thing quit on me.
Well, no wonder we're stuck! I mean, we might as well be watching YouTube Red on a microwave.
Geez.
Why would I watch YouTube Red? A compelling lead performance.
Duh.
Okay, now don't pay attention to that thing.
Just sit back and wonder at the magic and mystery of the Waze algorithm.
Check this out.
WAZE: Make a left.
Make a left.
[HORNS HONKING, INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
It would not tell us to take a left-hand turn across three lanes of traffic unless it knew something that we didn't, so go ahead.
- Make a left.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Go ahead.
- Make a left.
- Okay.
I got it.
- Make a left.
Okay.
Shut up.
Excuse me! We need to make a left here.
Take a left! We're gonna take a left.
- Just follow the Waze! - Make a left.
Shut up, Hansen! Just shut that thing off.
- Make a left.
It's still talking to me! - Shut it off! - Make a left.
- I can't make a fucking left here.
I got four dead bodies, a killer on the loose, and a pair of cops who can't drive from Echo Park to downtown in under two hours.
How is this happening? I don't understand the traffic either, sir.
Don't these people have jobs? I can confirm that acting is more of a calling than a profession, sir.
So, the answer to that question may be a little more complicated than you'd think.
I anticipate we'll be there soon.
- Did you use Waze? - Well, she made me turn it off.
Great.
While you two have been playing slow-motion "Cannonball Run," actual police work has been going on here.
And it's been goddamn exciting! A lab tech was able to lift a partial imprint off the front bumper from one of the victims.
Hold on, I'm gonna send it to you now.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Whoa.
That dude got housed hard.
Torso fail! There was no plate, so the car must be new.
From Lee's Import Imporium in Agoura Hills.
That's a better lead than broken plastic, don't you think? Actually, I think they're both pretty interesting story devices, sir.
As you knuckleheads know, it takes about a month for the DMV to issue new plates for a car.
So, if you want to find out who owns the car, I would suggest you turn around and drive your asses south onto the 110, west onto the 10, north to the 405 up to Lee's in Agoura Hills.
Watch all of the security footage from this month and see who bought a new car.
Those will be your suspects.
You want us to watch a month of security footage? I mean, wouldn't that take, like years? - A month.
- Yeah, a month.
Better get started quick then.
Now get the hell out of my office.
Technically, we are not in your office.
Sir? I think we got cut off.
Are we in a canyon? Ugh! This episode's really starting to challenge my basic good nature.
I mean, don't you have a siren or something? I'm a homicide detective, not highway patrol.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just feeling so bottled up! It's frustrating, all right.
No, I mean, like, I feel like I'm in a bottle episode.
You know, where they try to save money by limiting the number of sets.
Please, no more TV-industry jargon.
- You think we're in a barrel? - What? It means too many jokes about the same thing.
You know what? You are so knowledgeable.
Maybe this police stuff is a waste of your talent.
I know.
Makes me wonder if I chose the right high-concept second profession.
Wish I were a drug dealer instead, with all that cool shit? Sweet-ass imported car, killer phone in a one-of-a-kind custom case Right so if anyone at the dealership recognizes that phone, then we found our guy! Way to figure it out, Hansen! I did what now? Eh, who cares.
Let's ride this narrative momentum all the way to Agoura Hills, baby! Boop boooo! Doo-dee-doo! Hey, I want to solve this crime, too.
Even though the victims aren't even show-biz adjacent.
Although one of them gave off a pretty strong Danny Trejo vibe.
You're giving off a pretty strong racist vibe.
Okay, how can I be racist if I have an African-American best friend? You have an African-American friend? Ha ha ha.
Come here.
- What are you doing? - Come here.
Why are you getting close to me? I want to tell you a secret.
Come here! Who is gonna hear us? My first agent's assistant once told me you never know who's listening.
[SIGHS.]
Anybody who's ever taken Fountain instead of Sunset thinks they're some sort of traffic Jedi.
But my shortcuts are packed with midi-chlorians, which is why I've never told them to anyone.
And I'm trusting you with this, okay? - So - Yeah.
I got it.
- Okay.
Great.
- You know some roads that nobody else does? Crisscrossing town is all part of the craft.
Sometimes, I have an audition on the west side, table read in the Valley, and a wrap party downtown.
It's all part of the hashtag ActorLyfe.
And yeah, Lyfe is spelled with a "Y.
" - Why? - Yes.
No, why is it sp - You know what? - What? Never mind.
Get us across town.
Okay.
You ready? - Yes.
- Here we go.
I know! Let's play 20 questions.
It's a classic road-trip game! This is not a road trip.
Okay, you guess first.
I'll give you a hint.
I am thinking of an actor.
Is it you? God, you are a good detective.
Unh! Man.
All right, your turn.
Are you thinking of an actor? - No! - Oh, then I don't know.
I'm thinking about how much I hate Los Angeles.
Whoa! Mathers, not cool.
Okay, this is the City of Angels we're talking about here.
- Did you even see "La La Land"? - Why would I see "La La Land"? Hey, "Moonlight" was great, too! Or so I heard.
I'm gonna watch it soon.
And I totally cheered when they tied for Best Picture.
Maybe it'd help with traffic if I do, like, a "La La Land" thing on the hood.
Right? Don't do a "La La Land" thing on the hood.
Why, because I might bring joy back to streaming Internet television? It's just a little contemporary jazz dance.
People are really gonna dig it.
Trust me.
Do not get out of this car.
- [JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey.
Hey! - Hansen! - Whoo! - Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
- Who the fuck is that guy? Come on, everybody! Out of your cars! Let's go! - I'm late for work! - [HORNS HONKING.]
- Whoo! - Don't make me shoot you.
MAN: Get down.
WOMAN: Hey, Seacrest, get back in the car.
RYAN: Whoo! - You're a terrible dancer.
- Get down.
Come on, everybody! Get in here now! MAN: Fuck you, asshole! - [GROANS.]
- You suck.
[LAUGHS.]
Ow.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, you did cheer me up.
Well, that's great.
But, confesh time, I didn't just do it for you.
That was a bit of a backdoor audition.
According to the geotag on his Instagram, Pete Berg is in this very same traffic jam.
Who's Pete Berg? Um, ever heard of "Friday Night Lights"? The movie and the show? "Battleship," the movie, but not the game? He's a multihyphenate cinema treasure and also the director of "Hamilton: American Vengeance," the movie remake with no songs.
Oh, my God.
Do you see that BLS car? Tinted windows, aura of power surrounding it like a halo? That's got to be Berg's.
Excusez-moi.
- Whoa.
- Mr.
Berg.
Pete.
Hey.
Ryan Hansen.
You probably recognize my voice from a guest spot on "American Dad!" and my face from a non-speaking role on "Power Rangers Wild Force.
" That's what you're leading with? This is crazy, but I read for "Hamilton: American Vengeance," for the ah! Classic Pete Berg.
Not gonna come at you hard with the compliments.
I totally respect that, Pete! - Wow.
- Wow.
Your gray hairs really pop in this light.
Ha ha, ooh! That's impossible because I'm solidly in my early 30s.
The same age Aaron Burr was in his early 30s! So [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Aren't you gonna get that? Who's Donna? [CELLPHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING.]
Oh! Sweet Bluetooth.
- [BLUETOOTH BEEPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, you.
What's up? Oh, yeah.
No, I'm sorry about that.
I know.
I know it's hard.
Hey, look, I can't really talk right now, but can I call you later? Okay.
I love you.
We're gonna be okay.
Bye.
What? I just never heard you talk like that.
Usually you're all like, "Aah!" you know? And that was so sweet.
Whoa.
Is that your Is Donna your, um Just so you know, I'm an ally.
I go to the Abbey all the time.
I'm pretty much an honorary member of the team, so - She's back in Cleveland.
- Long distance.
- That's well, that's rough.
- No, it's not like that.
Donna is She was my [CLEARS THROAT.]
She's my old partner's wife.
He was the best cop I've ever known.
Five years together, and then just one night, just a random traffic stop, guy had a .
38 hidden in the glove box and Fuck, I don't know, I just guess I wasn't fast enough.
Tough to find cops who wanted to partner up with me after that.
Who could blame them? I was kind of a bad luck charm.
I wanted to stay in Cleveland, but it got to be that there were just too many awful memories, too many broken hearts.
I needed a fresh start, and I guess I ju It's weird.
Pete Berg said he was in a hurry, right? But I just checked his geotag on his last Instagram, and I'm pretty sure he's still right there.
- Goddamn it! - What? Oh, were you monologuing? I thought you just wanted some space to yourself.
You know, it smelled like an exposition dump.
Just shut up, Hansen! Every time I see you, I think of the great man I lost, and how you're nothing close to him.
You're a joke.
You're, like, everything that's wrong with L.
A.
in one person.
You're the fucking Grove, and the freeway, and the goddamn airport that's impossible to get into or out of, all combined into one self-centered human being.
[SIGHS.]
- See, the trick to the airport - Just shut up! I don't want to talk anymore.
So what? We're just gonna sit here in silence? Well, don't come crying to me when this part ends up on the cutting room fl Okay, this is crazy.
We're just wasting film, or data, or whatever it's called now.
I Susanne, Virginia, Derek, Dustin, Danny Z.
, Andrea, Angela, and Tiffany at YouTube Red are gonna be so mad! Danny Z.
especially.
I mean, that guy is a real loose cannon.
[SIGHS.]
- [RADIO CLICKS ON.]
- Seems we never ever agree - You like the movies and I like TV - [HUMMING.]
Don't hum.
I'm sorry.
I love this song.
It perfectly sums up our dynamic.
I go to bed early And I party all night! - I said shut up, Hansen.
- You got to take Abdul.
- Take Abdul! - I'm not taking Abdul.
Come on.
It'll be a sing-a-long.
Like "Carpool Karaoke"? People love that shit.
I can't do both parts.
Hate to admit it, but I kind of love this song.
Oh! Me too.
I mean, it's a little on the nose, but Ooh, chorus, chorus! I take a-two steps forward Take two steps back We come together 'cause opposites attract Ooh, uh-oh It ain't fiction, just a natural fact We come together 'cause opposites attract Hey! We could be lovers She makes the bed And he steals the covers Guilty! She likes it neat And he makes a mess I take it easy Baby, I get obse-essed She's got the money And he's always broke - Oh, man! - I don't like cigarettes And I like to smo-o-ooke Things in common There just ain't one But when we get together, we have nothing but fun Two steps forward, a-two steps back Single, single, double, double.
Single, single, double.
You know it ain't fiction, just a natural fact We come together 'cause opposites attract - Go down, go down.
- Oh, yeah.
- Down in your seat.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Two steps forward, I take two steps back We come together 'cause opposites attract And you know it ain't fiction, just a natural fact - Hansen! - Oh, sorry.
We come together 'cause opposites attract [LAUGHS.]
That was so good! No wonder James Corden has a spin-off show.
[HORN HONKS.]
Oh, shit.
Check out that white Rover.
Could that be our guy? What are the odds he'd be stuck in the same gridlock? I'll answer that question with a question.
What do we know about the perp? New Rover from Lee's, and he had that super-cool phone only someone fancy would have.
Now, look at that parking permit for Harvard-Westlake.
What's Harvard-Westlake? It's like the CAA of high schools.
The WME of high schools? Still nothing? It's a really good school.
Plus, I'm pretty sure that's blood on the bumper.
Wait, the killer's a kid? He's turning on Rockingham.
Why would he be heading to Brentwood? Who could he be meeting there? I don't think he's meeting someone in Brentwood.
I think he lives in Brentwood! Shit! He ran down four gang members? These prep-school kids are under a lot of pressure.
I'm surprised he even fit in a quadruple murder with all the Mandarin classes and volunteer work in the Congo.
I got this.
Make way, make way.
Celebrity Vice Squad! A niche division of the LAPD! Shit.
He's getting away.
Wait! Wait a minute.
This is what you've trained for, Hansen.
Let's go.
It's okay.
I'm totally a cop.
Stay in your vehicles.
- Down! - [CRIES.]
Motherfucker.
[GROANING.]
Oh, you already got him.
Ow! How'd you get here so fast? I'm from Cleveland.
We like to use our legs from time to time.
God, it feels good to be out of that car.
I don't know how you people do this.
Well, that has got to be one of the most exciting low-speed chases that has ever ended on Rockingham! Whoa.
That is a shit ton of coke for one kid.
That's not coke, Mathers.
That's Preppy-White.
The Big Think.
Boarding School Barbara.
The Old Eye Opener.
Wakey-Wakey.
What the hell are you talking about? - It's Adderall.
- I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt, but I I needed an edge! You don't understand.
The PSAT was coming up, and anything less than a perfect score would demoralize me for the actual SAT! So you went down to Echo Park to get some Ivy Insulin.
But when they see you roll up in that car your dad got you for your 16th birthday And the phone your stepdad got you to show your real dad what's up They decided to change the terms of the deal.
And so did you.
By killing them.
[ENGINE REVS.]
And that's why you don't text and drive.
No, Hansen he wasn't texting and driving.
He killed them to get the drugs.
Oh, yeah.
No, I know.
It's just that's an important message, too.
So Well, Mathers, thanks to us, L.
A.
prep-schoolers are once against completely drug free.
I can't believe how far that kid would go for study drugs.
I know, right? A kid from Brentwood going all the way east of Robertson? No, I I meant that he killed for it.
Oh.
Well, they don't call Adderall Try-Hard Trixie for nothing.
Nobody calls it that.
No.
Some people call it the Stanford Snack Mix.
The A-Maker.
LSAT Sally.
Columbia Marching Band Powder.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Oh! Hey, I got you something.
- What? - It is a tomato.
It reminds me of Clooney because he was in "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" before he got, like, super famous.
Why do you want me to have it? Well, you know, you said people thought you were bad luck.
It's my good-luck charm.
I give it a rub before every audition because, well, you never know when things could turn around.
Also, I lose it all the time, so I got like 50 backup.
Here.
Here's another one.
- Hey, hey! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Daddy! - Daddy! Hi! Come here.
- Hi, guys.
- How was your day, honey? Oh, it was great.
Mwah! But it was tough.
Drank a lot of water, - and I didn't get to go number one.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Thank God you've been working your kegels so hard.
- You know it, babe.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, joking around is a lot of fun, but we got to talk.
Amy, kids, John Cryer Am I in "twouble"? [LAUGHTER.]
Now, girls, I know you're under a lot of academic pressure at school.
But no matter how hard it gets, I don't want you to get involved with drug cartels to buy uppers to get an edge on your classmates.
[APPLAUSE.]
But, Daddy, it's so hard to keep up in school.
Today we had to draw butterflies! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, buddy.
I think we're gonna be a-okay.
Hansen family hug! ALL: Mm.
Can I join in? [LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
Oh.
Ohh.
Yeah.
- Ahh! - Oh! John.
Can't breathe.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING.]
Any notes? PRODUCER: No.
Thank you, Mr.
Hansen.
Yeah.
And I just want to say I do all my own stunts and also my name is Ryan, so that's easy for everybody, 'cause Gosling, and That's not how casting works, Mr.
Hansen.
All right, thank you guys so much.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Thank you.