Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e04 Episode Script

LIBBY: That cover model, she's so I wish I could look like that.
I wish [GIRLS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Much better.
Hey.
Heh.
Love the look.
Ha, ha.
I'm ready to clean my closet.
ZELDA: Where are you? SALEM: You didn't see me.
I was never here.
Sabrina, have you seen Salem? - Um, no.
SALEM: You are the worst liar.
ZELDA: Come on.
SALEM: No.
I won't go.
I won't go.
I won't go.
Oh, is it time for Salem to be wormed again? SALEM: No, worse.
I have to do community service.
It's part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.
As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn't enough, Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners programme.
I gave you a choice.
You could have done highway cleanup.
SALEM: Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt downstairs in two minutes.
It's time to pay your debt to society.
SALEM: Can't I just write a cheque? I don't know what your problem is.
It's nice to help people.
And what nice things have you done lately? Me? I do nice things all the time.
Really? Since you got your magical powers, all I've seen you do is change your clothes and make Brussels sprouts disappear.
That's not true, and I'll prove it.
I'll use my magic to do three nice things before the end of school today.
- Easy.
- Not so easy.
Before you shoot your finger off, you'd better consider the consequences, or terrible things could happen.
Hi.
My name's Jenny, I'm running for sophomore class president, and I'm with the Outsider Party.
Hi.
My name is Libby, and I'm also running for class president, but I'm with the Popular Party.
A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes and more funding for the arts.
A vote for me is a vote for more piZZa at lunch.
I'm voting for her.
She's pretty much killing you with that piZZa platform.
I don't get it.
Why doesn't anybody wanna support the Outsider Party? Maybe because you named it after their biggest fear? Libby thinks being class president is about lunch food and dances.
Call me idealistic, but I really wanna make this school a better place.
Hey, you got my vote.
Which gives me a grand total of two.
Poor Jenny.
There's nothing like losing to say you're a loser.
I wish I could win.
I really wanted to make a difference.
That's one nice thing.
Hey, Harvey.
- Whoa, what's that smell? - Protein shake.
Coach says I need to bulk up if I ever wanna start at running back.
Well, you look fatter.
Heh.
That's sweet of you.
But you see that guy over there? That's Randy the Destroyer.
Unless I put on 20 pounds or he gets injured, I stay on the bench.
Man, I wanna play.
- You wanna go in? - Yeah, I'll be there in a sec.
Hey, watch it.
Ow! My hand.
That's two.
Sorry I'm late, but my car broke down.
I made the mistake of trying to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.
Why don't you just get a better car, Mr.
Pool? Like a Ferrari? Sure.
You know what? I'm gonna run right out after class and buy one.
And I'll pay for it with frustration.
Now, can we move on to science? All right, today we're gonna talk about the elements and why one can't turn lead into gold no matter how hard one tries.
--and radon, which is the heaviest of the noble gases.
Don't laugh.
[BELL RINGS.]
All right, uh, read Chapter 4 tonight.
And take showers.
Especially you.
Mr.
Pool, are you okay? You know, you seem especially bitter today.
Me? I'm fine.
What a mess.
- It's just a bunch of papers.
- No, my life.
I've been a teacher seven years, and I still can't afford a new briefcase.
I found this one.
I was wondering who T.
G.
K.
was.
Just to pay my bills, I have to work cafeteria duty, I have to supervise the Science Club, and on weekends, I wash Principal Larue's car.
Well, maybe you should consider doing something else.
Like what? I love teaching science.
It's the only good thing in my life.
Well, you have a lot of coupons.
Thanks.
Oh, this one for 40 cents off Fruitkooks has expired.
No.
Ugh! Ah, who are they fooling anyway? You can no more sweeten a cookie with fruit than you can turn lead into gold.
Or can you? Wait a minute.
Why didn't I think of this before? Lead is Pb, mercury with-- Thanks for, uh, helping me pick up my stuff, Sabrina.
Heh.
Now, get out.
I'm on to something.
Yes.
Yes.
This would turn lead into gold.
That's alchemy, and it defies the laws of physics.
Oh, who cares? I'm gonna be rich.
Whoo! That's three nice things.
[VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY.]
That was very good, Jeffrey, but your E string needs tuning.
I'll be right back.
This one's for MoZart.
Hey, guys.
- Oh, I see Jeffrey's here.
- Yep.
MoZart started spinning in his grave about ten minutes ago.
Oh, please, let the poor man rest in peace.
I don't get it.
Why don't you use your magic to make Jeffrey play better? I mean, wouldn't that be a nice thing for him and for us? Yes, but I would never do that.
That's right.
You must be careful about meddling in mortals' lives.
We witches have rules.
Who cares about the rules? I just want Jeffrey to keep paying for lessons.
- Well, I'd better get back.
- Must you? [HILDA PLUCKS STRING.]
Perfect.
Like it matters.
[KETTLE WHISTLING.]
Aunt Zelda, I'm still a little confused about this meddling thing.
Why is it you can't use magic to make someone's life better? Well, because it's impossible to know what would make a mortal happy.
What if you knew exactly what would make them happy? Well, you still can't predict the consequences.
But wouldn't those consequences just be good? Well, in some cases the consequences might be good, but then again, terrible things could happen.
Hey, any word on the election? Not officially, but this came out.
How can they print that Libby's won when the results haven't been announced? It's a weekly, Sabrina.
They usually just go on a hunch.
Yeah, well, I have a hunch too.
[OVER PA.]
Attention, students, this is Principal Larue, and I have in my hands the results of a grand experiment called democracy.
- Just say it.
- The president of the freshman class, the winner is Andy Gallop.
The president of the sophomore class, the winner is - Libby Chessler.
- Jennifer Kelley.
The president of the junior class, the winner is - Can you believe I won? - Yes, I can.
Hey, Jenny, how about a picture for the yearbook? [CAMERA CLICKING.]
Hey, congratulations, Jenny.
I'm really glad you won.
It's because people like you voted for me and not piZZa.
Uh, right.
Hey, I'm having a really great day too.
Coach just told me I'm starting at running back tomorrow.
- Wow.
- That's what you wanted, right? Absolutely.
You guys gonna come watch me play? - Sure.
Cool.
- Cool.
Cool.
And don't be late because, you know, I'm starting.
Libby, I just wanted to say that I think you handled your defeat very gracefully.
Oh, bite me.
POOL: Sorry I'm late, but I was, uh, out buying a new car.
A Ferrari, since you asked.
Yes, thanks to the miracle of science and an educated brain, I now have one wicked set of wheels.
Okay, whoever can explain the Krebs cycle gets a lump of gold.
Isn't learning fun? Salem, you're back.
- How was jail? - Not bad.
There's a guy in solitary convinced Alan DershowitZ appeared to him as a talking cat.
I told him I'd call the governor and plead his innocence.
See, I told you it was nice to help people.
Are you kidding? I'm not calling.
Calling who? About what? - Are we getting piZZa? - No.
I was just gonna tell Salem all about the nice things I did today.
SALEM: Yeah, but I'm not interested.
I'm interested.
Tell me.
Oh, but wait.
[HILDA CHUCKLES.]
Okay, start.
See, I wanted to use my magic more to help my friends, so I made a few adjustments in their lives-- Hold on.
Didn't Zelda tell you there are rules against meddling and terrible things could happen? Not again.
Look, everyone's happy, everything's working out great, okay? There's nothing terrible about it.
This is terrible piZZa.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
And a fair catch is called by the Fighting Scallions.
Wow, great view.
This is cool, hanging out in the president's section, watching Harvey start.
Oh, look, there's Mr.
Pool.
Wow, who's the blond? I think she came with the Ferrari.
Oh, no, wait.
She's with the guy next to him.
The Fighting Scallions break from the huddle, and Harvey Kinkle is the lone, set back.
There's Harvey.
Wow, that's so great that he's out there.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, are you sure that's Harvey? He looks kind of small.
MAN: It's first and ten from the 21, and the Scallions keep it on the ground.
- Kroeger hands off to Kinkle.
- Harvey's got the ball.
And he is pummelled.
Oh, the humanity.
That guy had no business being out there.
Oh, this is a terrible thing.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[HARVEY GROANS.]
Oh, you poor thing.
It even hurts to chew.
No, it's just hot.
I feel so bad about Harvey.
I can't believe he sprained his arm.
I can't believe that's all he sprained.
Can we change the subject? Let's talk about you being president.
All right.
I have my big meeting with Principal Larue this afternoon.
Hey, Jenny, tell Larue to do something about this meat loaf, huh? Meat loaf? Hey, man, what about intellectual freedom? I'd better go.
I'll see you later at the Slicery.
- Yeah, we'll get piZZa.
- Great.
This meat loaf really gags.
Hey, Mr.
Pool.
Smells good.
Linguini with white truffles.
No more artery-clogging sloppy joes for me.
Now that I'm rich, I have a reason to live.
- So are you happy? - Oh, I'll say.
Wealth gives me the freedom to teach science without anger and resentment.
I can now teach for the pure joy of teaching.
Ah, ah, ah.
Leave the whole block.
[POOL MOANS.]
Hey, Harvey.
Hi, Libby.
So did you make it to the game on Saturday? Yeah, I saw you start and finish.
My dad's got it all on video.
He keeps playing it over and over, saying that I can learn from it.
Well, you know, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
I'm a cheerleader.
Let me handle this.
Sure.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry.
You know, not like a responsible sorry, more like sympathetic sorry in a blameless, third party sort of way.
Feel better.
The principal will see you now.
Please, sit down.
The reason I called this meeting was to present my five-point programme, my contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Proceed.
Well, the first point focuses on class siZe-- You have no authority there.
- I don't? - No.
Next point.
Well, I'm also concerned about arts funding-- You have no authority there.
- Textbooks? - No.
- Curriculum? - No.
- Parking? - Ha.
I don't even have authority there.
These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this room.
They are decided by powerful men in smoke-filled boardrooms hundreds of miles from here.
It is not your place to question their choices.
They know you, Jennifer.
Better than you know yourself.
Let's leave the business of school to the people whose business is school.
Student class elections have always been a popularity contest.
Let's keep it that way.
Hey, how'd it go? I'm on my second pitcher of root beer.
Why, what's wrong? - I wish I'd never become president.
- You said that's what you wanted.
I was so young, so naive.
I thought I could make a difference.
- But you can.
- No.
You keep your illusions, but it's too late for me.
I've seen how the meat loaf is made.
Oh, Jenny, I'm sorry.
It's a terrible thing.
- Hey.
- We need to talk.
Not now, I've had a really lousy day.
And apparently, it's not over yet.
This came in the toaster for you.
It's from Drell.
The head of the Witches' Council? What does he want? We don't know.
I wanted to open it, but Zelda wouldn't let me.
DRELL: Report to my office immediately.
And bring your aunts with you.
I don't wanna go.
Drell scares me.
You guys go first and tell me what he wants.
Hey, I don't wanna see Drell any more than you do.
- Yeah, sure.
- Look, we used to be in love, but I no longer have any feelings for him.
How's my hair? ZELDA: Come on, let's go.
HILDA: Ow.
My foot.
I don't like this place.
It reminds me of the principal's office.
Drell will see you now.
You look so familiar.
Hello, Drell.
What a pleasant surprise.
DRELL: No, it's not.
I summoned you, and you're here.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hilda, what's with your hair? My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Oh, your new boyfriend.
What's his name? Um-- Well, I hope you and "Um" are very happy.
Sabrina, why don't we begin by you explaining to us why we're here.
- I don't know.
- Stop me if something sounds familiar.
"Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
" Oh, that.
- Sabrina? - You didn't? - I was just trying to help people.
- Help is a four-letter word.
Like "dumb" and "move," am I right? Well, at first all the people I helped were happy, but now only one is.
And he's happy enough for all three of them, so-- Now, I should explain to you that when I say "am I right," it's a rhetorical question, because I'm always right.
Drell, please, Sabrina's a good kid.
And things are hard on her.
Her mother's in Peru, her father's in a book.
And I'm in the land of I don't care.
You're her guardians.
You should have warned her that if you meddle with people's lives, terrible things could happen.
- Oh, I did.
That's exactly what I said.
- So did I.
So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.
Oh, jeeZ.
Marge, get the guys down in Ominous Warnings to, uh, tweak up the reverb on the word terrible.
[SLIGHT REVERB.]
Terrible.
[MORE REVERB.]
Terrible.
[TREMENDOUS REVERB.]
Terrible.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, cool, that's nice.
That's nice.
Thank you, Marge.
Now, that was Marge's mistake.
[MARGE SCREAMS.]
And now, back to yours.
Now, the football injury and the class elections have no global consequences.
You can mess with your pimply pubescent peers all you want.
Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on my T-bills.
Now, are you gonna fix this or should I give Salem a little blond kitty friend? No, I can fix it.
I mean, I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr.
Pool.
You got a day.
That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post.
[DRELL LAUGHS.]
You're done.
Go.
Get out of here.
No-- Uh-- Except you, Hilda.
Why don't you, uh, stay a moment? That's it.
I am never going to help anyone ever again.
He's just trying to scare me, right? Oh, look, Marge's teeth.
I've gotta go find Mr.
Pool.
Let's go.
ZELDA: What was that all about? Oh, he asked me out.
I turned him down.
Uh, Sabrina, now you only have Excuse me, is Mr.
Pool in there? You mean the guy who thinks he's too good to wash my car now? No.
I haven't seen him.
[POOL WHISTLING.]
Mr.
Pool, there you are.
I am so happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you too, my little coupon picker-upper.
Come on.
Walk me to class.
Hey, look what I just got.
It's a digital personal assistant.
Watch this.
I just sent myself a fax.
Mr.
Pool, I know you're really happy with your money, but, you know, easy come, easy go.
Oh, did I tell you? I'm funding a grant.
It's called the Eugene Pool Award for Burnt-Out Teachers.
The healing begins now.
That's a beautiful dream.
Oh, man, I just wish everybody could be as happy as I am.
- Mr.
Pool? - Hm? - Just enjoy the next 40 minutes.
- Of course.
It's time for science.
Aerobic respiration is correct.
Well done, Timmy.
Here you go.
[STUDENTS CHEER.]
And remember, everyone, you should learn for the sake of learning and not just for gold.
Well, that's my last lump for now.
I'll just make some more up tonight.
Heh.
Pool, you've got it wired up here.
No.
No.
It's gone.
I've lost it.
I never wrote it down.
Oh, this is a terrible thing.
[POOL WHIMPERS.]
Hi, Sabrina.
- You look bummed.
- Yeah, like everyone else.
I'm not bummed.
I made my peace with the universal meat-loaf.
- Really? - Yeah.
Watch.
Could I have your attention? I just wanted to say that I ran for president because I thought the job was about more than dances and lunch food.
I was wrong.
So I think you'll be better off with Libby.
[APPLAUSE.]
I'm in control? Yes.
Heh.
And I am one step closer to the White House.
Nice speech.
So you're happy? Very.
I'd much rather be jaded than naive.
Who wouldn't? Hey, Sabrina.
You know how you were feeling sorry for me yesterday? You mean in that blameless, third party sort of way? You should know that since I've been injured, I've been having a lot of fun.
I'm reading more.
I'm writing more.
I even think my grades are going to improve.
So this sitting around thing is really working for you.
Yeah, I'm super happy not playing football.
Just don't tell my dad.
A equals A.
Of course A equals A.
It's obvious.
It doesn't need to be stated.
- Mr.
Pool? - What? Oh, it's you.
- Do you have a minute? - Yes, a lifetime of them.
And now they're going by very slowly.
You know, I was just thinking that Jenny's happier not being class president and Harvey's happier not starting on the football team, and, well, it made me think that maybe you'll be happier not being rich.
Hm.
Happier not being rich? Are you nuts? Being rich is everything I ever dreamed of, and now it's gone.
It's all gone.
Not again.
Sabrina, could you help me? I'm sorry, Mr.
Pool.
I'm not supposed to help anyone.
But I guess one last time won't hurt.
Oh, why couldn't somebody just destroy me? It can't be that bad.
And I have a feeling things will get better real soon.
And who knows, maybe you'll find a new briefcase.
Yeah, right.
[WHISTLING.]
- Steve.
Uh, sir.
- What is it, Pool? Uh, I was wondering if, uh-- If I came by on Saturday, maybe I could wash your car.
So Mr.
Rockefeller wants to wash my car.
Only problem is I found a 15-year-old who'll do it for 2 bucks cheaper.
I can beat that.
I'm having a back-in-the-same-old-rut special.
Well, I guess I'll see you Saturday.
Oh, great.
And, uh, by the way, that's a beautiful briefcase.