Samantha Who? s01e04 Episode Script

You don't realize until you lose it, but your memory is everything that you are.
Without it, you're a blank slate, reborn without points of reference, experiences, even opinions.
A child looking at the world with new eyes.
The only problem is - Is your room picked up ? - you're still an adult.
You look nice all dressed up.
Where are you going ? - Just out with Andrea.
- Out where ? - I don't know, she's driving.
- Don't ride home with her.
- She's a drunk, call a cab.
- OK, sure.
Don't hitchhike.
People will think you're a hooker dressed like that.
- You said that I looked nice.
- Be home by midnight.
- After that, I call the police.
- Midnight ? Nobody has to be home by midnight.
You live in this house, you live by our rules.
Well, then maybe I won't live in this house.
- Howard ? - Apologize to your mother.
I'm sorry.
All right, I'm going to go.
I will return immediately and promise to die if I have any fun.
What, no kiss ? She's treating me like a child.
She says, as she downs another Shirley Temple.
Oh, but they're so good.
Oh, but they're so good.
And sweet.
And just pretty.
They're like you.
Move along, sweatstains.
Wow.
Bam ! I know.
Like skeet.
Don't worry, I have your back.
Stay close to me tonight.
I don't know what I'm supposed to know - and I don't know who I know.
- Hold that thought.
Hockey player.
- Sorry about before.
- Mmm-hmm.
But I keep looking at you and wondering, do we know each other ? - It's possible.
- Yeah ? - Do you come here a lot ? - Also possible.
- Lots of possibilities, huh ? - Yep.
You never know.
- You want to get out of here ? - Why ? What did I do ? - That's funny.
- Oh, yeah, it was.
- Do you want to go back to my place ? - Oh, OK.
Only if I can bring my friend though, because it's it's kind of hard to explain, but I need her to watch me.
- It must be my lucky night, huh ? - It is if you wore your protective cup.
Why did you get rid of him ? He said that we knew each other.
- You didn't.
That's just a line.
- What do you mean ? A line.
A pick-up line.
You know, to get you in bed.
- He wanted to have sex with me ? - Oh, come on.
You don't remember what it's like to be picked up ? - I don't remember sex.
- What are you talking about ? Is that possible ? Is it possible that a person cannot remember having sex ? - Oh, trust me.
- I'm serious.
I don't remember what it's like, how it feels.
- I don't remember how - Oh, my God ! You poor thing ! You're a virgin ! Margarita ! Virgin margarita, please.
Nothing to see here.
Just an alcoholic.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm going to go.
- What are you doing ? - We're cleaning out the garage.
We saved stuff that was sentimental to you.
Now that you forgot why we can throw it out.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.
Speaking of that can I talk to you about something kind of personal ? - I knew this was going to come up.
- You did ? Yes, honey, and don't worry.
You're not dying.
This happens to every woman once a month.
No, that's not it.
It's about having sex.
Oh, good.
The cookies are done.
It's not something we discuss, I take it ? Well, it's just that you never brought it up before.
Your father and I agreed that if you ever did bring it up that we would call it something else like the "happy touch.
" OK, last night I realized that the next time I do the "happy touch" will be the first time I do the "happy touch.
" No need to rush into it.
The first time isn't that nice.
- First time for what ? - The "happy touch.
" Oh, the "special hug.
" Your first time was nice.
Your first time was great.
Well, how do you know ? You weren't even there.
Well, of course I was there.
You were my first time and I was yours.
Of course you were, honey.
Right after Bob McNally.
You mean that spindly guy from the shoe store ? What are you saying ? Great talk.
I got to go.
The man handled the feet of strangers ! So what do you not know ? What to do or where things go ? No, I know where they go.
I just don't I don't remember them you know, going there.
You know, like, I don't know how it feels.
I just I don't remember what it's like.
What it's like ? It's like It's like It's like, you know, it's like sex.
It really is.
- You can't describe it.
- Well, just try, OK ? Sometimes people describe food like it tastes like chicken.
I will tell you this : It tastes nothing like chicken.
- Most of the time.
- Look, you just need to go out and experience it.
You need to go out and do it.
What's the hurry ? She should wait for the right guy.
Better idea.
Why don't you go wait for him and call us when he gets here ? No, she's right.
She's right.
Why do I have to rush into this ? Because it's weird.
You are a grown woman who doesn't know anything about sex.
No wonder your mother treats you like a child.
You are a child.
Childhood is nice.
You get to order off the children's menu.
- They have grilled cheese.
- You are making a big deal about it.
This is not some sort of infirmity, OK ? It's not like I lost the ability to walk.
Wait'll you have good sex.
Look, you are an adult human woman.
So much of who you are is tied up in sex.
Maybe if you go and you have it for the first time, maybe all of your memories will just come rushing back ? That or she'll wake up with cotton candy stuck to her back and a long walk home.
- Can I have the sugar ? - I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I have plenty of time to re-experience things, and I will get to sex when I get to it.
And if it's soon, that's cool too.
Todd, could you Could you just stop doing that ? Sorry, my mind was on something else.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'll get out of here, I just want to get enough clothes so I don't have to keep coming back.
And we've had sex before, haven't we ? - I'm sorry, what ? - Sex ? Well, yeah.
You know, I mean, we were together for three years.
I know we have.
Of course we have.
It's just Um - What ? - Can't remember it.
- Oh, well, that's flattering.
- No ! Don't take it personally, I don't remember french fries.
- So - I don't know Was it - What ? - Was it good ? Oh ! - Yeah.
- Yeah ? - Very.
- Really ? - I know.
- Hmm.
- OK, then.
- You good ? Yeah ! Good ! I'm good.
I can't wait to try french fries.
Yeah, yeah.
We get it.
And how are you today ? How am I ? I'm a virgin, that's how I am.
Yes, ma'am.
And I'm a pirate.
Should I call you a cab ? All right.
You win.
I'm horny.
All right.
You win.
I'm horny.
You're calling me at 4 :00 in the morning.
You need to relax.
I was relaxed.
Now I'm horny.
I cannot sleep in the same bed with your father, he is making me crazy with this Bob McNally business.
Just go to sleep, will you ? - Just stop thinking about sex.
- I can't not think about it.
The more I try not to, the more I can't stop.
- It's like I'm 16 again.
- Seventeen.
- What ? - You were 17 the first time.
I'd appreciate you not discussing this in front of me.
You're in my bed Wait a minute.
How do you know when ? I'm sure we didn't talk about it.
If you didn't want me to read your diary, you wouldn't have left it out.
I didn't tell your father.
- You never told me a lot ! - Howard, knock it off ! - What is going on over there ? - Nothing.
My mother's in my bed.
And you wonder why you have issues.
OK, look, just come out with me tomorrow night, don't think about it, it'll all come back to you.
Trust me, it's just like riding a bike.
Oh Oh ! Oh, look it's closed.
We got to go.
Oh, no.
You want this to happen or you wouldn't have come.
No, this is an absolute mistake.
I don't know what I'm doing.
What guy wants some clueless bimbo who doesn't know right from wrong in the bedroom ? - You have so much to learn.
- You know what I have to learn ? I don't even know how to kiss.
- I don't even know if I'm good at it.
- You are.
And you know this because We were at a party, they offered us $300.
What are you going to do ? Let's go.
OK, now this position we're in here, facing the bar, this position means - we want to talk and be left alone.
- This one.
I like this one.
No, you don't.
Now, when we're ready to be approached, you throw on a smile.
Let me see a smile.
We'll work on that.
OK and then we just rotate outward like queens, and receive our subjects.
Ready ? On three.
One, two, three.
You're being a dork.
I don't hang out with dorks, so cut it out.
It is one thing to talk about it, but someone here is going to see me naked.
I don't know what the lighting is going to be like.
There is good lighting in Todd's closet in his apartment.
I don't know what it is, but there's a mirror and when I look in it I am like off the chain.
Is that an expression ? I want to go home.
Listen to me.
Listen to me, you are ready for this.
You look fabulous, the pond is deep, the fish are biting.
- Well, hello ! - And then a boat motors through.
Oh, this is a coincidence.
This is weird ! Isn't this fun ? Just all of us here.
Just girls' night out.
Right ? No boys allowed ! - Let's get you a drink.
- You can't get her off the barstool ? She's too scared, she forgot how to kiss.
Oh, well do you want to practice ? I mean we always used to.
- Us too ? - Well, yeah We were ten.
Maybe 11, 13 at the oldest.
I am not a lesbian.
You know, I think sexuality is a continuum.
You're gonna be fine.
I am here, OK ? Now let's go.
One, two, three.
Oh, there you are ! Isn't this fun ? - What are you drinking ? - What are you doing here ? Honey, I felt really bad about yesterday morning and how our sex talk went.
I don't want you to think I'm one of those uptight mothers.
I want to be supportive.
So come on, let's get my little girl laid.
- OK ! - This is bad, right ? You think ? I'm out with a dork, her mother, and her stalker.
Looks like a special needs field trip.
Pick, so I can show my face here again.
OK, I think I found him.
His name is Jason, he's turning 21 tonight.
Everything you need in a lover : Ignorance and gratitude.
She's my daughter, I know what she wants.
How about that man over there ? Isn't he cute ? - He looks like Dad.
- Doesn't he ? As her best friend, I'm more qualified to pick a man for her than you are.
I forgot you've had them all.
That one should be your first.
Do you want me to ask that man if he wants to have safe sex.
OK, OK ! Enough, enough, enough, enough, enough ! Fine ! If it is so important to you, I'll do this.
If it will make you, and the TVs, and the magazines, and that big pornographic cloud this morning, just shut up and leave me alone ! All right, all right, who's it going to be ? Hey, you ! You.
How about you ? You there.
Come on, let's do this thing.
- Oh, Jason.
- Jason it is.
Happy birthday, Jason ! Don't wait up.
So, that kissing thing.
Yeah, me too.
- OK.
- We should do that.
- OK.
- All right.
Dave, I told you no Guitar Hero tonight ! I will come back there and I will kick your ass ! - Roommate.
- Yeah, you think he might come out ? Oh, he hasn't been out in like a year.
Dave's always totally wasted.
"Dude, get a job" and he's like, "Dude" Shh Sorry.
Just a little nervous, you know ? Don't.
No ! No, don't be.
Because you know what ? This is no big deal.
Because this is natural.
This is two adults just doing the deed.
You know, just Bing, bang, boom.
OK ? Yeah, see that's how I knew you were the right one tonight because I just want my first time to be great.
Huh ? Oh Damn it ! God, stupid ! Stupid ! Stupid ! - You're a virgin ? - Oh, yeah.
Don't be mad.
It was my friends' idea to take me out tonight to get me laid.
Sorry.
I'm being pressured into having sex.
- God, how lame is that ? - That's so lame.
Yeah Want me to play the drums ? Girls like that.
No, Jason.
Look, I'm sorry.
I really don't think that I should be your first.
Oh, why not ? Because you're old ? No.
Because, you know, you're a nice guy, and I think that your first should not be with a stranger.
It should be with someone who you, I don't know, who you connect with.
Who you have some sort of history, you know ? Just someone who you Someone who cares about you.
Oh, man.
Wait, let's do it in the hall.
I like it when the old lady next door glares at me in the morning.
No, I don't think so.
Listen, Sam, I like you You don't have to say that.
The deal was sealed when I stuffed my underwear in your pocket.
No, I mean I like you a lot.
- OK, well, let's do it a lot.
- No, I'm being serious.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
I'll put on my serious face.
Look, my mistake, I know, but I guess I care about you.
Sue me.
If we do this, I'm going to care about you even more, and if you don't feel the same, that's fine, but then let's not.
Oh, wow.
You are such a girl.
And you're a pain in the ass.
- OK.
- Yeah ? - Yeah.
- OK.
OK.
- And you know that speech ? - Yeah ? That better not be the longest thing that you do tonight.
- Ah - Hey.
Are you OK ? Did you have a stroke ? My grandma did that and it was No.
No, look, I have to go.
All right ? Don't hurry, OK ? The right person Just wait for that right person.
- He is out there.
- He ? You know, she.
Whatever, 'cause I don't judge.
Hey, can I talk to you for just a second ? Um I just wanted to say that you and I have known each other for a long time and, you know, we can't just forget those years, right ? I mean, I can.
And I already have.
But I hear that they were good, maybe not all of them, but I know that it started out well.
And how often do you connect with people on that level ? Well, you know, you've got that closet with the lighting and the mirror and - so I was just wondering if - Todd ? Who is it ? Oh, just Sam.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's going on ? - This is Julia.
- I'm going to go start the movie.
- Yeah, you do that.
Yeah, I'll be there in a second.
- What is going on with you ? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I just came by to say hi, that's all.
- Can't I come by and say hi ? - Sure.
Hi.
So, she seems nice.
She's very pretty.
- Thanks.
- I didn't say you.
I said she was.
- Have you been drinking ? - Have you ? - I'm not acting strange.
- I'm not the one with a girl.
- I'm not supposed to see other people ? - Why would I care if you saw people ? I don't have feelings for you.
I mean, don't you understand that ? - Well, you're acting very jealous.
- Jealous ? Um How is it possible to be jealous of someone you can't remember ? Um How is it possible to be jealous of someone you can't remember ? Huh ? Hmm ? Answer ? It's not.
- I've really got to go.
- Yeah, so do I.
It's almost midnight.
And that's my curfew.
- Bye, Michelle.
- It's Julia.
Whatever.
- Ms.
Newly.
- Hey, Frank.
Guess what ? I'm not a virgin anymore.
And apparently not a cuddler.
Oh.
Hi.
I'll sleep downstairs.
Nonsense.
Come on.
Come on.
I shouldn't have gone to that place tonight.
I guess I just wanted us to be better at talking about things this time around.
Thanks.
Me, too.
Just don't ever come there again.
What happened with that boy ? - Nothing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
I'm not sorry at all, I'm glad.
Like it or not, you'll always be my little girl.
And the truth is I want you to save yourself for someone special.
Or just throw yourself at a shoe salesman ! Howard, shut up ! I only did it with Bob McNally in the first place because I didn't want to act like an idiot when I met the man I love ! You know, Dad, if it means anything, she did try to hook me up with a guy who looks like you.
Is that true ? Howard.
Come on, baby, let me measure your feet.
At least someone's doing it around here.
And hey, I did remember what it was like.
It was like um Well, it definitely was not like chicken.
And I will probably do it again when the right guy comes around.
And now I know that they do.
When it does happen, though I will definitely be ready.