Sanford and Son (1972) s01e04 Episode Script

- What's the matter? - Sounds like feeding time at the zoo.
I can't concentrate with all that slurpin' going on.
- Can you hear yourself when you eat? - No.
This is an operation between my mouth and my stomach and my ears ain't got nothing to do with it.
Slurp, slurp, slurp.
Man, the way you scrape and soak up food you ought to eat with a squeegee and a sponge.
I've been eating like this all my life.
Now, what's wrong with soppin'? It's just not done anymore, Pop.
Now you eat a piece of toast, then you take a sip of coffee.
You eat, then sip.
Eat, then sip.
Now, that's how it's done.
It's all going to the same place.
I'm just cuttin' down on the number of trips.
Well, just try to be a little more quiet okay? Eat.
Makes just as much noise this way.
Want me to go back to slurpin'? Keep making me lose my place.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
It says here that the stock market tumbled sharply over a wide area yesterday but then recouped part of its lost ground in the final half hour of a somewhat more active session.
Dow Jones Industrials was off 4.
8.
Transportation was off 1.
7.
Utilities was off 1.
3.
Uh-huh.
Everybody was off yesterday.
What was it, a holiday? You don't understand.
Everything in the financial section has to do with us.
All the things that we deal in are right here.
They all fall under this one word: Commodities.
Is that the same as junk? There's no use talkin' to you.
You just don't want to get ahead.
I wanna get ahead, but talking about big business ain't the way.
Okay, then let's hear your way.
Ladies and gentlemen and stockholders in Sanford and Son we'll now hear how to improve the financial situation of our corporation.
And here he is, the founder and president of our company and chairman of the board, Mr.
Fred Sanford.
You got the floor, F.
S.
How would you like one across your lip? All right, then let's hear it your way.
All right.
See, you have to start bringing in better stuff to sell.
Look out in the yard, the stuff you been bringing.
Now, there's junk, and there's junk.
But that stuff is junk junk.
If you don't like the merchandise coming in here, we'll switch places.
I'll stay here and run the yard and you go out there and do the pickin' up on the truck, all right? You know I can't do that.
You know my arthritis.
I can't do no lifting.
Yeah, you can lift pretty good when it's going in your mouth.
Come in.
The door's open.
Oh, Kelly.
- Morning, Fred.
- How you feelin'? Come on in.
- Hiya, Lamont.
- How you doing, Mr.
Kelly? - How about some toast and coffee? - No, thanks.
Well, you can have a piece of toast, but you can't soak it.
Lamont don't like you to soak it 'cause that slurpin' interferes with him readin' about the commodities.
Well, thanks, Fred.
If I was gonna have it, I'd have to soak it.
I got no uppers.
I thought you went to the dentist.
I thought he was making you some new teeth.
He is, but first he's gotta make the gums.
He's making you gums? What I mean to say, he's getting 'em in shape so they're nice and firm.
- See how firm they're gettin'? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let me see, Kelly.
Yeah, come over here a little bit.
Yeah, they gettin' firm, Kelly.
Hey, Lamont, come on over here so you can get a good look at Kelly's gums.
- I already seen Kelly's gums, Pop.
- They look good, Kelly.
Well, thanks, but that's not what I come to talk about.
Fella come by my place, wanted to sell me some copper.
But you know I don't deal too much in metal.
- Would you fellas be interested? - He's sellin' copper? Yeah.
Scrap copper, yeah.
He's waitin' outside.
You interested? Tell him I'll be right out there, Kelly.
- Fred? - Yeah? I'll show you the teeth as soon as I get 'em.
Okay, Kelly, you do that.
Ah, here it is.
Hey, what you doin'? Are we buying copper? That all depends.
This is exactly what I'm talking about, Pop.
Now, if we can make a nice turnover, we in business.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Mr.
Sanford? No.
I'm Mr.
Sanford.
This is my son.
Mr.
Kelly thought you fellas might be interested in buying some scrap copper.
How much you askin'? Not too much.
Fact is, I'd like to sell it and have done with it.
I don't have a head for business.
Besides, I could use the money.
- How much do you want? - Well, I got a couple hundred pounds.
I was thinkin' of maybe, uh, ten cents a pound? - How much did you say? - Ten cents.
Is that too much? Oh, no, no, no.
It sounds like a fair price.
Listen, now I wanna go in and discuss this with my partner.
We're business partners, and we have to make all our decisions together.
And we'll be right back.
Come on, partner.
Did you hear that? He's selling that copper for ten cents a pound.
I looked that up in the paper.
You know what it's going for? Thirty-eight cents a pound.
Then why is he selling it to us for a dime? Maybe he was gonna ask for more.
Did you see how I handled that deal? I was cool, man.
I wasn't even interested.
I don't like his looks.
What's the matter with his looks? What's his looks got to do with this? He got them sneaky blue eyes.
We can make twenty-eight cents profit on every pound.
Why don't he know that? Just 'cause he's white don't mean he's dumb.
- It's stolen, Lamont.
- I don't know, Pop.
Listen.
The guy is not in the business and you heard what he said.
He just wants some money.
He just wants to get rid of it.
I tellin' you it's stolen.
That's what it is.
- Stolen goods.
- Pop.
- All right, ask him where he got it.
- Okay, I'll ask him.
Just stay out of this and let me take care of it.
I'm the businessman.
You're gonna mess up the whole deal.
Listen, there's something I want to ask you.
It's - Is something the matter? - Well, not exactly.
My partner Well, that is, my dad, he'd like to know where you acquired the copper.
Well, sure.
Be glad to tell you.
You see, this church that I'm a member of, they're tearing it down.
It's the Church of the Communal Soul.
You ever hear of it? - As a matter of fact, I haven't.
- What are you folks, Baptist? Greek Orthodox.
Well, what difference does it make? We're all brothers, aren't we? I ain't got no brother.
I got two sisters.
Well, I know you're not gonna believe this but they're tearing down our church to make room for a parking lot.
That's progress for you, isn't it, Mr.
Sanford? Plenty of room for automobiles but what are the poor worshippers supposed to do? Learn how to kneel in the back of their car.
Well, anyway, when they were tearing down the church the minister said to me, he said, "Otto you been coming here longer than anybody else so you just take all the plumbing supplies.
" - Then it's all legitimate.
- Well, yeah.
What'd you think? - What did I tell you? - I could've had the organ, but no.
I said, "Let's give the organ to a home for senior citizens - for their community singin'.
" - Hey, that was sweet of you, Otto.
Well, do unto others, I always say.
Isn't that what you always say? No, I say a lot of other things.
You wanna hear some of them? Listen, just pay him no attention.
I'm gonna go and discuss this thing with him and come out here and get the whole business deal straight.
- Excuse us.
- Okay.
Now, listen, don't louse up this deal.
We're gonna buy that copper.
It's stolen goods, I'm tellin' you.
It's stolen.
I mean it.
We'll all get caught, and me and you and Blue Eyes will go to jail only they'll put Blue Eyes in the new building.
Would you stop worrying and give me the 20 bucks? I don't like this deal.
Something about it ain't kosher.
- Ain't what? - Ain't kosher.
- Who'd you get word from? - From Kelly.
Gimme that $20.
Well, I'm tellin you, I ain't got nothin' to do with it.
Stay out of it then.
I told you I'd take care of it.
- I know about this kind of business.
- Just leave me out of it.
Cash on delivery.
Oh, I can understand that.
That's just good business.
I'll go unload the stuff you just bought.
By the way, do you think you might be able to use any more copper? I don't know.
I think we might be able to take some of it off your hands.
Well, I just might be able to help you.
I'll tell you what.
You meet me down at Dave's Diner tomorrow morning about 9:00.
I'm pretty sure I can get my hands on some more copper.
You know where Dave's is? About ten minutes down on Adams.
It's kind of a handy place to meet.
I'll get the first load out of my car.
No, no.
Cash on delivery.
Yeah, you are a sharp businessman.
- We'll be waitin' for you.
- I'll be back.
Now, listen, Pop.
This is only the beginning.
Now, it has nothing to do with the $40.
Now, it's the fact that we're doubling our investment.
We're on our way, Pop.
I can see it now.
I can see it too.
People marching with placards saying, "Free the Sanfords".
Come on, Lamont.
Let's get outta here.
That guy ain't gonna show up.
Oh, he'll be here, Pop.
He's just a little late.
A little? He said 9:00, and it's after 10:00.
Would you just relax and slurp some coffee? I never did like this deal.
I was up all night worrying.
Did you hear me tossin' and turnin'? No, I missed that part.
I came in on the snoring.
Morning.
Sorry I'm late.
That's all right.
We've just been here sittin' here talking.
Well, I stopped off to say good-bye to my minister.
I'm leaving.
You know what I've decided to do? I'm gonna do missionary work.
Probably be going to Africa.
I'll be doing work among your people.
Not mine.
My people in St.
Louis.
Hey, I got good news for you.
I was able to get more of that copper.
- Fantastic.
At the same price? - Yeah.
Twenty cents a pound.
You mean ten cents a pound.
- Is that what I said? - That's right.
If that's what I said, then that's what it is.
I'd rather cut off a leg than go back on my word, right, Mr.
Sanford? Right, Stumpy.
Well, you owe me another $20.
We can settle right here, then we'll load the stuff into your truck.
- It's out in the trunk of my car.
- Great.
- Let me buy your coffee for you fellas.
- Hey, thanks a lot.
You see that? I told you he was nice.
Now give me the 20 bucks.
Lamont, you sure you want this extra copper? We already made the deal.
It's too late to back out.
Would you give me the 20? - Here you are.
- Bless you.
May I say it's been a pleasure doing business with you gentlemen.
- Well, let's go load that stuff up.
- Right.
Two, four, six.
Two, four, six, eight, nine.
What are you doing? I'm measurin' six feet by nine feet 'cause that the size the jail cells are in the old building.
What are you doin'? I'm covering up this copper so nobody can see it.
It's stolen goods.
Would you stop that? The man told you where he got it from.
We bought some copper and we're not responsible for where it came from.
And besides, who's gonna come around here looking for stolen copper? And that's all I'm gonna say on the subject, Pop.
I think you'll have a few more words to say now.
- What are you talkin' about? - Police car just pulled up by the curb.
So that doesn't mean anything.
They're just sittin' in the car.
And see? They're just gettin' out they're looking around and they're coming in here! Oh! My heart! They got us.
They got us.
They got us with stolen goods! Oh, they got us! I'm going to lose the place of business, and I'm going to jail.
I'm going to die there of a broken heart.
Do you hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey with numbers on my back.
Just cool it, Pop.
We gotta be cool.
We can't lose our heads now.
We just act like we playing checkers.
Now relax.
It's your move.
Come on in! The door's open! - Hi, Lamont, Fred.
- Hey, what a surprise! We're just sitting down here, playing some checkers.
- How you feel, Smitty? - I'd like you to meet my new partner.
This is Officer Swanhauser.
We do the rounds together.
- How you doing, Officer Swanhauser? - How you feel, Swanee? The reason Officer Smith and myself are paying this call is to issue a warning.
- A warrant? - A warning.
It's come to the attention of the department that an as yet unidentified suspect is operating in this area and attempting to sell copper that has previously been burglarized and that said burglary may have been perpetuated by the suspect in question.
There's a dude trying to unload some hot copper that he snatched himself.
That's what I thought he said.
So until we apprehend the suspect in question the department advises that you refrain from all purchases of copper from any person or persons canvassing the area.
If you are approached, you're to notify the district police immediately.
Until this cat gets busted, be cool on copper.
And if he hits on you, contact your local fuzz.
Did you peep the dude that's been ripping 'em off? Do we have a make on the suspect.
As far as we're able to ascertain, the suspect is a male Caucasian with no distinguishing physical characteristics.
He's a white dude.
Yeah, some of my best friends are white.
Well, we'll see you later.
We gotta get goin'.
Okay, listen, anytime you're in the neighborhood, just drop in.
We can play some checkers and stuff anytime you come by.
- You're always welcome here.
- Say, Fred? What you got here? Load of hot copper? - We covered this stuff up because - Didn't wanna get it wet.
- It was gonna rain last night.
- Okay.
We gotta get goin'.
Come on.
Yeah, anytime you're in the neighborhood, drop in.
It was nice meeting you, Officer Swanhauser.
Bye, Swanee.
I knew I'd have a heart attack any minute.
Oh, I can't make it, Lamont.
It's the worst feeling I've had.
Oh, my heart is just thumping so hard.
Pop, this is a ridiculous time to have a heart attack.
- No, it ain't.
- Listen.
Listen to me.
We gotta sit down and we gotta figure this thing out.
Now, we're not gonna solve nothing by panicking.
We got to figure it out and figure on the best thing to do.
Then if you want to have a heart attack, it's all right.
Well, the first thing we oughta do is get rid of it.
I know we gotta get rid of it, but where? Just take it somewhere and dump it.
Somewhere nobody can find it.
The ocean! Pop, we can drive out to the beach and dump it in the water.
- I can't go to the ocean! - Come on, you can make it.
- I ain't going to no ocean.
- You'll make it.
I might go, but I ain't gonna make it back.
Drop me off at Forest Lawn.
I ain't going.
Get in the truck.
Listen, I'll buy you some aspirins on the way to the beach.
I ain't gonna make it to the beach.
All right.
We got rid of the stuff and everything's been taken care of.
You happy? Happy? I got a truckload of copper at the bottom of the ocean.
I'm out of 40 bucks, and I'm sitting here with my dummy son.
I didn't know a black man could be so happy.
Listen to me.
I got us into this thing, but I also got us out of it.
And that is because I am cool.
Now, if there's one thing that I want you to learn, Pop it's to be cool like me.
That's something you haven't learned.
Nothing upsets me because I am cool.
- Get the door.
- I can't get the door.
You go.
Oh, it's Mr.
Kelly.
Come on in, Mr.
Kelly.
Hey, Pop, it's Mr.
Kelly.
How you feeling, Mr.
Kelly? I just come over to borrow a pail of water.
What's the matter? You out of water? I don't know what it is, but none of my taps is working.
Hey, I'll get you some.
Funny.
You never miss the water till the well runs dry.
Oh, he's a darlin' boy.
Where would you be without him? I don't know where I'd be without him, but I know where I almost was with him.
That's funny.
We ain't got no water either.
No foolin'.
I'm gonna go down to the basement and check the pipes.
You know what I bet it is? I'll bet you it's a busted water main.
I bet you nobody in the whole block's got any water.
- I bet you're right.
- Oh, boy.
- I'm in trouble if I don't have water.
- Why, Kelly? Well, you see, I gotta soak my gums in saltwater.
I didn't do it today, and now they're getting tender.
Let me see, Kelly.
Oh, they do look tender, Kelly.
You're gonna have to eat mush.
You have to mash it.
Yeah, and strain it and suck it through a straw.
Well, son, you find out what's wrong? Find out the trouble? What is it? Now I know where that guy got all that copper from.
All our pipes, Pop.
He ripped out all our pipes.
All our plumbing is gone.
You mean the copper we dumped down the bottom of the ocean? Those are our pipes? And he pulled out our pipes and pulled Kelly's pipes out? That's what he was doing down at Dave's Diner while we were waiting.
Taking our pipes out.
You big dummy! "Don't worry, Pop.
I'm cool.
Just learn to be cool like me.
I'm cool.
" You big dummy.
You're not even a cool dummy.
You're just a big, ordinary, plain dummy, dummy.
Hello, is this the Ace Plumbing Company? Yeah, this is Fred Sanford.
Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period, speakin'.
Yeah, I wonder if you people could come over and do a little plumbing job.
Yeah.
We ain't got any water.
Yeah, I know why we ain't got water.
We ain't got any pipe.
- Okay.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling the plumbing company.
- Would you put that phone down? I bought all that used pipe, and I'm gonna take care of this whole thing.
You don't know nothing about plumbing.
You ain't no plumber.
Are you kidding? There's nothing to it.
All I do is just join all that pipe together hook it to the main valve, turn on the switch, and zap! Water.
Now even an idiot would know that.
Well, in that case, maybe you could do it.
All right, then you do it, you're so smart.
You know I can't lift that wrench.
You know my arthritis.
You can't do nothin' but talk.
Everything around here, I do.
Are you kidding? Who you think keeps this place clean? I don't want to discuss it.
Listen to me.
I got the faucet turned on in the kitchen.
Now, I want you to come over here and stand here and tell me when the water comes on, all right? All right.
And stay away from that phone! - Pop, can you hear me? - Huh? - Can you hear me? - Huh? Can you hear me? - Where are you? - I'm right here! - Right here? - Yeah! - I can hear you.
- Okay.
Is the water on? Wait a minute.
I'll go look.
What? I said I'll go and see if the water's on! - What? - I said okay! - What'd you say? - I said okay! - Is the water on? - Huh? - What? - Is the water running now? Is it running Yeah, it's running now, you dummy! Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.