Scarborough (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 So are you going to marry her, then, or what? I beg your pardon? Are police asking where the money is? Do you want to keep this job? No! Do you want to go to The Ship? What? Yeah.
No, OK, yeah, nice one.
Er, what time? Er, I'll text ya.
What do you think about us two moving in together? Moving in? I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Do you? Next time my boys pay a visit, it won't be just the furniture that gets broken.
What are you talking about? Your mother's house on Westgate Road.
What are you arresting him for? He's done nothing! Free the Scarborough one! I was thinking, you know these flats we're seeing this afternoon? Yes, at five o'clock.
You see, I do listen.
I was thinking, why are we bothering? Why don't we just live here? What, in this flat? Yeah.
Well, it's where I used to live with Darren.
It's hardly the fresh start we wanted.
Karen, I live with a man who thinks it's socially acceptable to fart in time to the News At Ten theme tune.
I don't know the meaning of the word fresh.
Have you even told Bigsy you're moving out? No, not yet.
Well, then, what is the point? What do you mean? I'll tell him when I get chance.
He's just never around, is he? I'll meet you there to look at the flats at five o'clock today, if, by then, you've told Bigsy you're moving out.
Otherwise, there is no point.
You're talking like you're not even bothered about us living together.
I just don't want to make the same mistake twice.
What's that supposed to mean? Meaning, we've split up before.
I don't want to go through that again.
I'm talking about the opposite of that.
I'm talking about actually living together.
And I'm saying how can we live together when you can't even tell your flatmate you're moving out? Yeah, well I'm seeing him today, aren't I? You just need to take a bit more responsibility.
I will.
Well, you stayed at mine last night and you didn't even bring any clean underpants.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Pair of yours on, haven't I? CHUCKLING No, I turned them inside out.
Right, come on.
Got to go to work.
All right.
See you later.
Five o'clock.
Karen? OK.
All right, Mike? All right? Er, what can I get you? No, I'm all right, to be honest, Jack.
I'm just waiting for Bigsy.
We're off for a latte.
Oh, right.
Erm Well, I'm not being funny but if you're not having a drink I'll have to, er, ask you to free up these seats for paying customers.
LAUGHING What, you're being serious? There's no-one here! Yeah, well Bigsy's barred.
Barred? What for? I don't want criminals in my pub, or outside it.
Criminals?! You know he's been done for burglary, don't you? He's not been done for burglary.
He was helping the police with their enquiries.
Helping them with their enquiries? Are you taking the pi Did you see the way they ragged him out my pub last night? Eh? You don't get that for a parking ticket.
It was a case of mistaken identity, Jack.
Did you see how he wrecked Mrs Buckham's funeral? Do you know, I found egg mayonnaise in my light fitting this morning.
Now, then, everything all right? Is it true you got done for that burglary on Westgate Road? No.
Not at all.
And, listen, I just wanted to apologise about the, er, slight kerfuffle last night.
Slight kerfuffle? Complete mistaken identity.
Made a full apology and everything.
There you go.
I mean, the police know I was a bit of a rascal in my time, but robbing pensioners? Nah.
Not my style, Jack.
You ready? Come on.
See you later, Jack.
Yeah.
Enjoy your lattes.
It's a lovely new coat, Mrs D.
Let's get you washed.
Mandy? This is Mandy.
Who's this? I just told you, it's Mandy.
Where's Lisa Marie? Mandy is Lisa Marie's sister, so you're in good hands.
I used to sweep up, but I've been promoted to washing hair.
Promoted? I want my hair shampooed properly.
You wouldn't ask a pilot's sister to land a plane, would you? With respect all round, I don't think you can compare shampooing somebody's hair to landing a jumbo jet.
I never said a jumbo jet.
It could be any type of plane.
Anyway, don't change the subject.
My hair has been described as spun gold.
Come on, Mrs Dainty, I'll look after you.
Got a special shampoo we keep for celebrities and royalty.
What royalty do you get in here? You, Mrs Dainty! You.
Oh, not interrupting your social life, are we? I'm looking at me appointments! What, on your phone? Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.
Hey, we don't all live in the Dark Ages, you know? The Vanity Box lets their customers book online.
Listen, have you see the customers coming out of the Vanity Box? They look like they've licked their fingers and shoved them in a plug socket.
Most of our customers think an electric kettle's cutting edge, never mind the internet.
Right, let me look at these appointments.
Mandy's doing well, ain't she? You thought about training her up as a stylist? What? After I trained her sister for a year, only for her to drop us in it, waltzing off like that? Not likely.
We're going to have to cancel Mrs Castle and Mrs Jewel if you can't stay later than 5pm.
Well, Geri, I can't, I told you - me and Mike are going to view some flats.
I know, it's in the book, but I just thought you might have been overcome by a sudden bout of compassion.
Geri, are you OK? You just seem a bit tense today.
GASPING Geri! What's up? Here, come on, let's go in t'back.
No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's just that things are a bit strained at the moment.
Financially.
Oh I know it's been quiet but things have picked up the last week or so.
Yeah, one busy week isn't going to compensate for months of barely scraping by.
And what's the point of being busy if you don't have the staff? Well, look, if things are that bad, I'll cancel me flat viewings.
No.
No, don't do that.
I'll be fine.
I'm just tired.
Well, we can't turn customers away.
What else are we going to do? Hiya, Geraldine.
Can we talk? Is that too hot? No, that's lovely.
I didn't mean to be rude, love, I'm just set in me ways.
Oh, don't worry.
Me nanna's the same.
She always says to me, "I know I sound like I'm telling you off, but it's just me way.
" She's always having a go at me.
Last week she said, "Mandy, why haven't you got a boyfriend?" "Bonnie lass like you?" I said "Nanna, I'm young.
"I don't want to be tied down.
".
Oh, no, I don't blame you, love.
I tried that once, being tied down.
It wasn't for me.
I mean, a lot of people like it, but, for me, I don't want to feel suffocated.
I didn't mind that, to be honest, which surprised me, because I thought having a pillow over my face would be horrible! The bottom line is, Lisa Marie, we just can't have members of staff flying off the handle and walking out of the salon.
I know.
My father always used to say, and I've never forgotten it, "Without order there is chaos, without structure there is" "instability.
Without" It's just I did feel I was being bullied, instead of you just asking me to keep quiet about you taking Mrs Buckham's money.
I did not take Mrs Buckham's money! Yeah, you did.
Not in the sense that you were insinuating! How many ways can you take money from a dead woman's handbag? Oh, do we have to go over this all over again? Well, do we? No.
Right, here's that shampoo I was telling you about.
Smells like coconut.
Ooh, that's lovely! That smell Ingrid Hoffman.
I'm sorry? I used to have a girlfriend called Ingrid Hoffman.
She was German, and her hair smelt like coconut.
Yeah, it's my favourite.
It's good for all types of hair as well.
They do a vanilla one, but I think it smells like an egg custard.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love an egg custard but I don't want me hair to smell like one! I'm thinking of getting me hair cut this length.
I mean, I'd wear it more like a bob, but it would more or less be this length.
Me nanna said, "Don't have your hair cut" "or you'll never get a boyfriend.
" Dunno why she's so obsessed with me not having a boyfriend.
Me grandad died years ago and she's never made no effort to find a new husband or boyfriend.
Would you still say "boyfriend"? I'd feel a bit weird saying "me nanna's boyfriend.
" Or girlfriend! When my husband died, I went back to women.
Best decision I ever made.
Now, if only I could find Ingrid Hoffman.
Now that was a woman.
SHE SIGHS Right.
So, I think it's best that an apology is given and we all just move on.
OK.
Good.
Right? Well? Well, what? You want ME to apologise? Yes, of course! What did you expect? Well? Uh Lisa Marie, I can't allow you back in the salon unless you apologise.
It wouldn't be fair.
Wouldn't be fair? On who? Well, there's me, for a start.
Sorry? Apology accepted.
Right, now, to show we are all equal here, I will make the tea.
Would you like one? Not for me, thanks, Geraldine.
It's Tuesday so I'm on an early dinner.
See you in an hour.
So, we would recommend eight window locks a motion detecting exterior security light, and a new front door and frame - certified to British standard PAS241.
Oh, lovely.
And will you be able to get it all done today, do you think? Oh, no.
Sorry, Mrs Norris.
This is just crime prevention advice.
You'll have to get the work carried out yourself.
Oh.
But we can recommend you to a local tradesman.
A lot of them do discounts for pensioners.
But I I thought it was free.
The advice is free.
Oh, the advice is free? I should think it is.
You've told me I need a new front door, not this week's lottery numbers.
I'll tell you what, you make me a nice cup of tea and I'll have a look in my little black book and see if we can at least get you the window locks for free.
How's that for a start? Milk and sugar? And a few biscuits.
Come on.
So, then, Geraldine tips all the money out of her bag, covering the settee in 10s and 20s.
Mostly 20s, as far as I could see.
Is this your last one? I don't want to take your last one.
Oh, don't worry! There's plenty more where that came from.
I made some flapjacks yesterday.
And all that money had come from Mrs Buckham's handbag? Well, as far as I could see.
Yes, definitely.
How much was there? Oh, I'd say a good couple of thousand.
But this is confidential, isn't it? Ooh, absolutely.
We're just having a natter, aren't we? So, what were you going to tell me about Mr Ferris? Well Obviously, I can't discuss any details of the burglary, but what I can say is Mr Ferris is currently being comforted by Jamie, his 30-year-old nephew.
Is that all you've got? No no.
His 30-year-old nephew.
Are you all right? You look as if you're having a stroke.
No, I mean, it's not his nephew.
It's a friend.
A very close friend.
What are you trying to say? You do know, don't you, that Mr Ferris was married? Yeah, a long time ago.
Let's just say that, since his divorce, Mr Ferris has How can I put it? Given the female of the species a very wide berth.
Well, that's a lie.
Our postman is a woman and he's always talking to her.
No! I mean he prefers men.
Now that is a lie.
Mr Ferris adores women.
He's obsessed with Shirley Bassey.
Well, you wanted gossip.
That's not gossip, that's slander.
And I think you should leave.
There's no need for that.
Come on I was just doing a courtesy call.
Courtesy? You don't know the meaning of the word! And you can put those flapjacks back in there.
Come on, I want you out.
Come on! What, so you don't want the window locks, then? No, I do not want your window locks! Now get out! Now! Go on.
Keep walking! Hey! There's no need for that! This is assault.
Yes, it is, and you're lucky not to get a bash round the earhole as well.
Now, bugger off! Oh, hello, love! How's your uncle? Do you mean Des? Mr Ferris.
Yeah, he's fine, thanks.
Is, er, everything OK? Oh, yes, no, they just came to check all my windows.
Well, give my regards to Mr Ferris.
Yeah, will do.
See you later! Oh.
Hm.
Oh, thanks, Kathleen.
Cheers.
Oh, er, I think you forgot the little biscuits that usually go on the side.
Oh, sorry, we've run out.
Unbelievable.
And at these prices an' all.
Oh, by the way, you know I've got no money, don't you? Oh, I'm glad you mentioned that because I need to talk to you about the rent.
Ah.
Look, I'm sorry about that, mate.
I had a week of cash-in-hand work with No Neck Paul, but he got a bit windy when the police started sniffing around me.
Who's No Neck Paul? You know - Paul! Drinks in the Lord Nelson.
Little fella.
No neck.
Of course.
So, what happened? I don't think anything happened, he was just born without a neck.
Not No Neck Paul! Last night when we left you at the police station.
I'm in the clear.
They know it wasn't me.
It's not my MO.
You don't have an MO cos you're not a criminal! PHONE VIBRATES That's Lisa Marie.
Oh I'm telling her to come here.
Is that all right? Well, it depends.
Has she got money? Dunno.
I've never seen any of it.
So, are you two seeing each other now? Well She's keen, obvs, but I dunno, it's tricky.
She's nice and all, but I think I could do so much better.
Oh, well, at least you've got one thing in common.
Eh? So, I guess, if all goes well with Lisa Marie, you might think about moving her into the flat.
Well, as much as splitting the rent three ways would help me out right now, the last thing I need is 24/7 brain damage on tap.
Brain damage? Women - brain damage.
I wasn't really thinking about splitting the rent three ways.
I was thinking maybe I'd move out.
You are joking! What would I do without you? Very funny! No, I'm serious, mate! I love us sharing a flat together.
Well, you're hardly there.
Well, that doesn't matter.
We live together and I love that.
I mean, our Brian's in Leeds.
I haven't seen our Martin in years and haven't had anything to do with me dad since me mam died.
You're my family now, mate.
We weren't going to be flatmates forever, though, were we? You know, I'm back with Karen now.
Yeah.
But I'm assuming you're going to play the long game on that.
I mean, she's only just recently divorced.
She's not going to do anything daft, is she? What do you mean, daft? Hiya! Now then.
All right, Mike? Day off? Yeah, I have actually.
In fact I've got better things to be doing than hanging around with this one.
Do you want a coffee? I've just ordered a large skinny cappuccino outside, but I've just realised that I've come out with no money.
Well, I'll cancel it on me way out if you want? Yeah, Mike's paying for mine, cos there's something wrong with me bank card.
Yeah, it's stuck to the inside of his pocket! All right, I'll get yous a coffee.
You owe me a pint.
See yous later.
Aw! Thanks, Mike! So, we meet again! Yeah, well, I just thought cos I'm on an early lunch, so Oh, erm, well, I'd offer you something to eat, but Mike's gone.
Is he all right? He seems a bit down.
I think he's still getting a bit of grief off Karen about the whole Hayley Cox thing.
Thank you! What about Hayley Cox? Don't you know? Karen caught Mike snogging Hayley Cox outside The Ship a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, my God! She told me he got off with someone.
She didn't say it was Hayley Cox! She's rank.
Mm.
They reckon she went through half of Scarborough while her fella was in prison.
Oh, aye? That include you? Me?! Pffff Got to be joking! I mean, you know, I'm not saying, you know, she didn't try.
But you've seen her fella, Tony Peroni.
We're a very similar type, you know.
Sorry.
You all right? Mm-hm, yeah.
No, no, I'd like to think I can do slightly better than the likes of Hayley Cox.
You certainly can.
HE SLURPS Thank you very much for waiting, Mrs Jewel, you've been very patient.
I don't want any! Would you like another tea, Mrs Stokes? Mrs Stokes? Mrs Stokes? Mandy! Mandy What? It's Mrs Stokes.
Yeah, I know it is.
Yeah, but she's not moving.
Well, she's asleep.
I can hear like a gurgling sound.
No, no, that's the radiators.
They've needed bleeding since Christmas.
Where are you going? Sorry, Mrs Lucas.
What are you looking for? What, what are you doing? There's no point in doing her hair if she can't pay for it! No! You put a mirror in front of the face and, if it steams up, they're breathing.
I saw it on Columbo.
What are you doing, watching Columbo? Me nanna likes it.
She's got the box-set.
She can name all the guest stars in each episode from the pilot to series ten.
Well, go on, then! I don't know 'em, it's me nanna who's obsessed with it.
No, I mean do the thing with the mirror! Oh.
Right.
SHE SCREAMS What do you think you're playing at?! I'm sorry, Mrs Stokes, Geraldine thought you were dead.
Dead?! I'm so sorry, Mrs Stokes.
I was fast asleep.
What were you doing with that mirror? I've never been so terrified.
Yes, I'm sorry.
That will have been your reflection.
I beg your pardon? Er What I mean is, Mandy put the mirror in front of you so we could see if you were still breathing.
Have we come at a bad time? Oh, hello.
Er, no.
Everything's absolutely fine.
How can we help you? Am I going to be waiting much longer? I only came in for a comb up! I'll be with you in a moment, Mrs Jewel.
I'm just attending to the police.
How can I help you? As you can see, we are quite busy.
We need to have another word with you, Mrs Payne.
Well, as you can see, it isn't entirely convenient at the moment.
Could I give you a ring during the week? We'd like you to come down to the station.
No, I'm sorry.
Absolutely not, that's out of the question.
We're short-staffed as it is.
We could discuss the contents of the late Mrs Buckham's handbag here if you want, Mrs Payne? But something tells me you're the kind of person who prefers an Imodium of privacy in such matters.
You're not under arrest, but I strongly suggest it is in your best interests to accompany us down to the station, so we can discuss the matter in private.
Could I not just attend to Mrs Jewel? As she said, she's only come in for a comb up.
Please, Mrs Payne.
You go, Geraldine.
I can put a comb through Mrs Jewel's hair.
Put a comb through Mrs Jewel's hair?! You must be joking! I saw you trying to make a corned beef sandwich earlier.
That back room looked like Dresden! We'll wait in the car.
And it's "modicum of privacy".
What did I say? Oh, shut up! Am I going to get that comb up or what? And this is the living room.
Obviously, sometimes I have to give rentals a hard sell, but this time, Michael It's Mike.
Apologies, Mike.
Quite right.
I'm Rick, never Richard.
Well, I'm going to say nothing and let the view do the talking.
Well, what do you think? I thought you were going to say nothing? I bet you weren't expecting this, were you? What, a view of Scarborough? A spectacular view in a property of this calibre for 700 a month.
700 a month?! We said our upper limit were 500.
Sea view, full GCH, contemporary open-plan living, fully furnished.
You can't put a price on that.
Well, you just did and it's 200 quid over our budget.
Well, you didn't like the last two places I showed you, so I thought I'd up the ante.
Well, we didn't like the last two places you showed us, cos they were horrible! Look, I'm not being funny, it's just going to be you two in this flat, isn't it? Yeah, why? Then why are you looking at two-bedders? I mean, it's not like you're going to be having any kids now, is it? You what? Sorry.
You could obviously adopt, but you didn't say that.
How old do you think we are? Dunno, 40? 50? 50?! Somewhere in between.
I'm 37! All right! So I'm crap at guessing ages.
You're not so good at being an estate agent either! Leave it, Mike.
Come on, we'll come back another day.
While we're on the subject of ages, how old are you? 11? I'm nearly 20.
And I'm actually Estate Agent Of The Year.
Oh, are you? What year was that? Third year juniors? Oh, very mature.
Oh, you expected a bit more, did you, from a man in his late 50s? You know, for someone so old, you're acting very childish.
Right, come on.
Thank you for your time.
You're calling me childish? Yeah, I am.
Yeah, well, you're childish.
You're childish.
No, you're childish.
No, you're childish.
Er, no, actually, I think you'll find you're childish.
No, you're childish! Well, if I'm so childish, you won't be surprised if you end up with a Chinese burn.
Old and racist.
You know, on second thoughts, I don't think this apartment block is right for you, Michael.
How's that racist? And it's Mike, thank you, Richard, short for Dick! Well, long for Dick! You know, I don't think I'll have a problem getting you black-listed with ALL the Scarborough estate agents.
Ha! Blacklisted! Now who's the racist? Are you drunk? Up yours! Yeah, do you hear me? Up yours.
Yeah, and do you know what else? What? Your hair's shit as well! Mike, come on! This is embarrassing.
Yeah, go home with your mam.
Do you want a punch in the face? No.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Stay classy.
You nearly got a slap in the face then, off a girl.
CLEARS HIS THROA A Chinese burn? Really? Really? You don't want to live with me now, do you? What, in case you give me a Chinese burn? Are you really not allowed to say Chinese burn? That can't be right, can it? Are you still allowed to say Chinese takeaway? Have you told Bigsy you're moving out? Yeah.
And what did he say? Yeah yeah, he was all right with it.
So, you've told Bigsy that you're moving out? Mm-hm.
Yeah, but I didn't go into detail.
I dropped a lot of hints.
You dropped a lot of hints? You were talking about getting married the other day.
Well, our wedding night's going to be great, isn't it? Bigsy farting in the next room.
That estate agent's really annoyed you, hasn't he? You've really annoyed me.
It's when he thought you were me mam.
That's what sent you over the edge.
He did not think I were your mam.
He were commenting on how childish you were being.
I mean, I nearly lost me rag myself when he said we were too old to have kids.
Well Well, what? Well, I am 40 this year.
You don't look it.
What's that got to do with anything? Well, what's being 40 got to do with not being able to have a baby? Remember Sharon Figgis? No.
You do! Sharon Figgis.
Used to sing with Johnny Pat.
Big Sharon! Once shaved her head for charity and it never grew back.
I don't know who you mean.
Well, anyway, she's 50, just had another pair of twins.
That's seven kids she's got.
She's like a cat! It's not just age that stops people having kids.
What, you don't want kids? I didn't say that.
Well, we tried before.
Mike, that were, like, eight, ten years ago.
40's not too old to have a baby.
We are not old.
I know.
I mean we're not even a bit old! In fact, we're still young.
Steady on.
And do you know why? Go on.
Because it's all up here.
Age - it's in the mind.
Right come on.
Where are we going? Come on! Where are we going? Mike! Fine.
See you.
I'll tell you tomorrow.
I can't - my sister's here.
OK, bye.
See you For God's sake, I may as well walk home on me own.
OK, no, yeah.
I've gotta go.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
You have got it so bad for Bigsy! No, I haven't.
BREATHLESSLY: Bye.
See you.
Bye.
See you.
Bye.
See you.
Bye.
Shut up! I'm only joking, I think it's cute.
Yeah, we've just gotta get you hooked up now, ain't we? I'm not bothered.
Maybe we should start going out somewhere else? I quite like The Ship.
Yeah, but, let's face it, it's not exactly overflowing with fitties, is it? Apart from Bigsy.
I think someone at The Ship's been flirting with me.
Who? I might be wrong.
Who?! Well, they're always really smiley and you know when someone smiles back and then they smile for a bit too long? Who?! Well, it can't be anyone our age, cos everybody who goes there is either ten years younger than us or 20 years older.
That's why I'm saying we should go somewhere else.
It's not a customer, it's somebody who works there.
Oh, my God! Not Jack?! God, no.
Well, there isn't anyone else.
Jess.
Jess?! She's just really smiley when I talk to her.
She smiles at everyone.
I mean really, really smiley.
Oh, my God! I probably wouldn't say no.
Er, are you trying to tell me something, Mand? No.
Yeah, I probably wouldn't say no, either, actually.
She is pretty fit, isn't she? Right, let's get home.
Unless, er, you fancy one in The Ship? All right! SCREAMING I'm going to kill you! You're only as young as you feel! I feel sick! Look, there's Yolanda! Yolanda! Yolanda! Woo! Get in the queue for this ride, it's great! It's the best ride in the park.
Have you not seen Facebook? You what? Geraldine's been arrested.
Yolanda, what are you saying? Geraldine from the salon she's been arrested.
I can't hear you! I should have worn a sports bra! So should I! THEY LAUGH Where are you going, you misery? Get in the queue for this, it's brilliant! Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick! Oh, ho-ho! But we're all right Got some cash, bought some wheels Took it out, through some fields Lost control, hit a wall But we're all right Are we like you? I can't be sure Of the scene as she turns We are strange in our worlds But we are young, we run green