Schmigadoon! (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SOMBER PIANO PLAYING]
[ACTRESS] Has he opened the box?
You didn't tell me there
were gonna be naked people.
- I didn't know. Dave didn't mention it.
- [ACTORS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, no. Is Dave gonna be naked?
His character is called "The
Unprotected Seeker of Truth,"
so I'm thinking yes.
I cannot see Dave naked.
Sure you can, we're doctors.
I operate on knees. This
is way above my pay gra
[INHALES] It's Dave.
- Abort.
- [ACTORS CONTINUE]
Abort.
[ACTOR] Because I know
not what is inside.
[MELISSA] I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- [JOSH] Pardon me.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
- Liar.
- I'm trying. [LAUGHS]
- [JOSH] Go. Hurry.
- [JOSH] Walk on your toes.
- I'm [LAUGHS]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- [ACTOR GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHING CONTINUES]
- [MELISSA] I ca [INHALES SHARPLY]
[JOSH] Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
It's beautiful.
- Whoa! Gotcha.
- [CHUCKLES]
I love you.
Oh, I'm s I'm sorry.
That just I'm I don't
want you to feel any pressure.
And also, it's weird
to say that the night
we saw Dave's penis, so maybe just
I love you too.
[EMMA] Oh, I'm sorry.
I meet with parents Thursdays
between 3:00 and 5:00.
Good thing I'm not a parent.
Josh Skinner. Dr. Josh Skinner.
Oh, I know who you are.
You're the one who broke
poor Betsy McDonough's heart,
then crossed the footbridge
with every woman in town
in some pathetic attempt to bag a wife.
And how'd that work out?
Get yourself a good one?
I'm still looking.
Please, don't waste
your time looking here.
I wouldn't cross that
bridge with you for $100.
Actually, I'm looking
for a place to stay.
Heard there was a room to
let above the schoolhouse.
You heard wrong.
Now, If you don't mind, I have
more important things to do.
So Mildred Layton got to you too.
Mildred Layton?
She had my girlf ex and
me kicked out of the inn,
and has everyone else in town
so scared they won't put us up.
Ugh, that woman is a menace.
You know, she's constantly meddling,
trying to tell me what to
teach in my own classroom.
I mean, she took my book on wildflowers
and crossed out all the stamens.
So she's got a problem with you too.
Yeah, that lines up. [SIGHS]
So what's her deal? She
controls the whole town?
Pretty much. But she doesn't control me.
Well, I can think of a
great way to prove that.
[CHUCKLES] Mmm.
I suppose I could use
a handyman around here.
Hmm?
In exchange for the room.
Oh, yes. Handyman.
Super handy. Hung all the pictures
in my apartment in, like, an hour.
Eyeballed everything. It's
pretty pretty impressive.
Oh, you must have felt so virile.
You can start tomorrow morning at 9:00.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have work to do.
Gotcha.
Thank you.
- Make it 8:00.
- You got it.
[DOC LOPEZ] Here is what
I expect from my nurse:
Hard work, discipline and a willingness
to follow all of my
orders to the letter.
Absolutely.
So, Dr. Lopez, have you had many nurses?
I have.
Now I will like to
show you my equipment.
This is called an obstetric perforator.
Really? Looks like something
you'd use to eat lobster.
[BOTTLE CLINKS]
Papa?
I'm sorry, son. I just
needed to grab something.
What did you take?
- Um
- What is it? Show me.
- [WOMAN SIGHS]
- Uh
Papa, that is a surgical lubricant.
What could you possibly want it for?
- It's private.
- Not when it's my lubricant.
Come on. Just let them have it.
And now you have encouraged my
new nurse to question my authority.
Fine. Your mama and
I are feeling amorous,
and the last time it
really helped, so
- Papa, there is a lady present.
- Oh, I'm good.
You are too old for the
act of love. It's unseemly.
Put it back this instant.
[BOTH SIGH]
My apologies. You'll find I
don't appreciate interruptions.
Doc Lopez, I'm sorry, but
Young lady, I told
you I cannot help you.
- But I
- Nancy!
If you are determined to
have a child out of wedlock,
that is your concern.
But I will have nothing to do with
it. Now please, leave this office.
Wait, what?
[CRIES]
[MELISSA] What is wrong with you?
You can't just turn away that girl.
I have every right to choose
whom I will take on as a patient.
But you're the only doctor in town.
[GIRL] Epiphany.
E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y. Epiphany.
[EMMA] Well done, Zaneeta.
Tommy, your word is "catharsis."
- Catharsis. C-A
- Hey!
Children, say good morning to
our new handyman, Dr. Skinner.
[CLASS] Good morning, Dr. Skinner.
Hey, kids.
'Sup.
So, where should I start?
The door to the supply closet
has been jammed for weeks.
On it.
- Now, Tommy, let's resume.
- [CLANGS]
- Your word is "catharsis."
- Um, Miss Tate?
Yeah, this is really stuck.
Do you have any other jobs?
So you're just going to give up?
No, I'm not giving up. I'm just
moving on to something else.
So, giving up.
Children, what does Shakespeare
have to say about that?
[LISPING] "Cowards die many
times before their death;
the valiant never taste
of death but once."
Shakespeare. So perceptive,
and so beautifully expressed.
What does that even mean?
It means that taking the
easy way out never pays.
Let's see how I can explain it.
- [MUSIC STARTS]
- Oh, seriously,
no musical explanation needed. I get it.
When you've got a job to do ♪
You must try with all your heart ♪
Life's profoundest joys ♪
Go to girls and boys ♪
Who finish what they start ♪
When faced with work ♪
The shirkers shirk because ♪
It's no longer fun ♪
But the chaps for whom ♪
The whole world claps ♪
Are the chaps who keep at it ♪
Till the job is done ♪
- Yeah.
- Oh, at times you'll want to say ♪
"I've got nothing left to give" ♪
But a life that's lived partway ♪
Is no way to live ♪
[CHUCKLES AND MUTTERS] Stop. Okay.
So here's a slice of good advice ♪
That I'm obliged to impart ♪
You must always try your best ♪
With all of your heart ♪
[CHUCKLES]
Miss Tate is right. How
can you live a life partway?
Or be half a friend?
Why do you keep giving up, Dr. Skinner?
Yeah. Why?
Hey, back off. It's a door.
Is it?
- When you've got a job to do ♪
- [CLASS] When you've got a job to do ♪
- You must try with all your heart ♪
- You must try with all your heart ♪
Life's profoundest joys ♪
- Go to girls and boys ♪
- Girls and boys ♪
- Who finish what they start ♪
- [CLASS] S-T-A-R-T! ♪
When faced with work ♪
The shirkers shirk ♪
- Because it's no longer fun ♪
F-U-N! ♪
But the chaps for whom ♪
The whole world claps ♪
Are the chaps who keep at it ♪
Till the job is done ♪
- Oh, at times you'll want to say ♪
- Oh, at times you'll want to say ♪
- "I've got nothing left to give" ♪
- "I've got nothing left to give" ♪
But a life that's lived partway ♪
- Is no way to live ♪
- It's no way to L-I-V-E! ♪
So here's a slice of good advice ♪
That I'm obliged to impart ♪
[ALL] You must always try your best ♪
With all of your heart ♪
Not into singing, huh? I get it.
I'm no good at music.
[SONG CONTINUES, TEMPO INCREASES]
[BELL RINGS]
- So here's a slice of good advice ♪
- [CLASS VOCALIZING]
That I'm obliged to impart ♪
[EMMA, CLASS] You must
always try your best ♪
Though life puts you to the test ♪
You must always try your best ♪
With all of your ♪
Heart ♪
[CLASS] H-E-A-R-T!
[ALL] Heart! [LAUGH]
[EMMA] Yes!
Why are they laughing? Nothing
even remotely funny just happened.
[WHISTLES "SOMEWHERE
LOVE IS WAITING FOR YOU"]
Can I tempt you with anything?
What would you recommend?
Well, most folks are partial
to Helen Pritt's corn brittle
or Aunt Polly's shoofly pie.
Unfortunately, no one seems to be
interested in my rhubarb squares.
Oh, I love rhubarb squares.
You do? Me too.
And I thought I was the only one.
Well, they're definitely
not for everybody.
- I'll take two.
- Wonderful.
Here. I'd hate to enjoy it alone.
Oh, thank you.
Uh-uh-uh, Howard,
don't forget your diet.
We don't wanna have to get your
fat pants down from the attic again.
Oh. Sorry, Mildred.
[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]
Ha! I found you!
Oh, don't worry, Nancy.
No, no, I'm here to help.
I assume this is the father?
Uh, yes, ma'am. Seaman Freddy Driggs.
Oh, thank you for your service.
You're pregnant and
living in this shack?
Oh, my parents don't want a scandal.
But please don't tell
them Freddy was here.
Nancy and I wanna get married, honest.
But her ma doesn't approve of sailors
on account of the way we
curse so dad gum much Sorry.
So we can't.
Hey. You'll get no judgment from me.
I just wanna make sure
you and your baby are safe.
How many months along are you?
I'm not sure. I've got so many
questions and no idea who to ask.
For instance, where
does the baby come out?
I feel like there are a couple
of options but both seem crazy.
The baby comes out
of your vagina, Nancy.
Really?
Ma'am, I don't even
use language like that.
It's just medical terminology,
Freddy. Nothing to be afraid of.
Let's see if I can
make it easier for you.
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Vagina is where the penis goes ♪
Ovaries make eggs for you and me ♪
Testes are where the sperm repose ♪
Cervix is where they can swim free ♪
Fallopian tubes are ♪
Where both of them meet ♪
Uterus is where
cells start to sprout ♪
Placenta is what they like to eat ♪
Till the baby comes straight out ♪
- The vagina?
- That's right!
Now sing with me.
- Vagina ♪
- Is where the penis goes ♪
- Ovaries ♪
- Make eggs for you and me ♪
- Testes ♪
- Are where the sperm repose ♪
- Cervix ♪
- Is where they can swim free ♪
- Fallopian tubes ♪
- Are where both of them meet ♪
- Uterus ♪
- Is where cells start to sprout ♪
- Placenta ♪
- Is what they like to eat ♪
[ALL] Till the baby comes straight out ♪
The vagina ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
Ow! Son of a bitch.
Aw. This must be the Skinner
Feeling I've heard so much about.
Hey. Just trying to do my
best with all of my heart.
Well, clearly the door's
gotten the better of you.
Maybe try assaulting the
toolbox again tomorrow?
[DOOR BANGS]
- You!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't shoot!
Oh, I'm not gonna shoot.
'Cause you're headed with
me and my Betsy right now
to the church to get married.
What?
Hey! You listen here,
Patrick McDoogal McDonough.
You will not come into my classroom
waving a gun around and
ranting like a lunatic.
Do you understand me?
Uh, yes, ma'am.
Do you really think so
little of your daughter
that you feel the need to threaten
men to get them to marry her?
- Do you, Papa?
- Well, I thought
I don't see a whole lot of thinking
going on in that head of yours.
But you are going to go home
and think about your behavior,
and let your daughter live her own life.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Can I have my gun?
- You will get this back
when I think you have
learned your lesson. Now get.
[SIGHS]
Thank you.
Must be hard being the
only one around here
with an actual functioning brain.
Aw, they're not so bad. They're
just set in their ways, is all.
I try to encourage them to
be more modern, but, uh
Have you heard of a brassière?
- Rings a bell.
- Oh, it's a wonderful new invention
that frees the woman's bosom
from the bondage of the corset.
I love it.
But of course Mildred and
her biddies have banned them.
It's ridiculous.
So ridiculous. Brassières are the best.
I imagine we all must seem
very provincial and backwards
to someone as cosmopolitan as yourself.
So, what's it like where
you come from? The big city.
- Well
- [MUSIC STARTS]
No, no, no, no!
- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, um
- I'm not doing this.
- [MUSIC ENDS]
- Okay. Fine. Don't tell me.
- Have a nice evening, Dr. Skinner.
- No [STAMMERS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
So in the future, Pete,
let's stay away from boiling
pots of corn puddin', okay?
Just knowing you and your whole deal.
- [CLANG]
- [PETE] Ow!
[CLEARS THROAT] So you're a
nurse now. Where's the doctor?
He's out fishing.
What do you want? Why are you here?
I kinda I was, um
- You need my help.
- Yeah.
Really? Don't know if you remember,
but we're broken up and I hate you.
I know, I know. But I have
nowhere else to turn. Please.
Fine. What is it?
Okay, so you remember when
I tried to cross the bridge
with every woman in town?
Yes, I remember.
Well, there's one woman in town I
missed. Emma Tate, the schoolmarm.
So I'm thinking she
must be my ticket out.
You gonna find true
love with the schoolmarm?
I don't know. I I just
know it's not going well.
Yesterday we were talking
and then music started
to play out of nowhere,
and she stormed off.
- Well, you were supposed to sing.
- [SIGHS] I guess.
Josh, you're in a musical.
That's how musicals work.
When you're too emotional
to talk, you sing.
When you're too emotional
to sing, you dance.
What happens when you're
too emotional to dance?
Does it loop back around to talking?
'Cause I feel like that's
where I'm at right now.
Look, there's gotta be
another way. You know musicals.
Any tips for me? Like
what musical I'm in.
I'm so torn between really
not wanting to help you
and really wanting to
show off how much I know.
Damn it. Okay.
She's a teacher accompanied by a young
boy. That's very Music Man.
And who would I be in that?
Harold Hill. A morally adrift
narcissist who needs to change.
- All right.
- Or it could be King and I.
- In that I'm
- A morally adrift narcissist
who needs to change.
Okay, now I feel like that's
just your opinion of me.
- You're gonna have to sing, Josh.
- Not happening.
So what did the Music Man do to win
over the teacher in their musical?
- He gave her little brother a trumpet.
- Why?
Why "Shipoopi"? I don't know. Do
you need to know the whole plot?
- How much time do you have?
- Never mind.
Trumpet. Little brother. Got it.
- I think it's a little more than that.
- [NANCY] Nurse Melissa!
- Nurse Melissa!
- I'm a doctor.
I think I'm having the baby!
Uh, okay. Come on in. Let's do this.
- But Doc Lopez
- Screw Doc Lopez.
Let's get you on the table.
[MOANING AND PANTING]
[NANCY PANTS] Okay.
What are you doing?
Figured you could use a hand.
- Yeah, I could.
- [NANCY MOANING]
[BABY CRYING]
That was amazing.
- You were amazing.
- [GROANS] No.
- You were.
- Okay, I was.
But to be fair, I mean, being
in a musical made it pretty easy.
It's the first time I've ever had
a baby come out completely dry.
Yeah, that was weird.
But it was great to have
your help, so thank you.
Happy to do it.
Guess you better go find
that trumpet. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, yeah. Right.
Well, good luck.
- Good luck to you too.
- Thanks.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[BABY COOING]
[DOC LOPEZ CLEARS THROAT]
Is it true what I heard?
Did you deliver Nancy's
baby against my orders?
Yes, because I'm a doctor.
I am. And you know what
doctors are supposed to do?
Help people.
Well, you had no right to do that.
This is my practice
and I make the rules.
Speaking of, how did this tube
end up on my parents' nightstand?
I gave it to them.
You have no boundaries. No decency.
I have no decency?
You refused to treat a woman in need.
I'm sorry. I don't care how
ridiculously handsome you are.
You're just wrong. About Nancy,
about your parents, about everything.
If your parents wanna have
sex, let them have sex.
In fact, you know what?
I'm not only gonna keep encouraging
your parents to get it on,
I'm gonna teach them ways to
make their sex lives even better.
Every position in the Kama-sutra.
Pleasure for the sake
of pleasure itself.
And finally, in spite of you,
they are going to truly live.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
We are gathered here
today to say goodbye
to Old Doc Lopez,
who unexpectedly left us this week
as a result of engaging in
what is apparently known as
an "Egyptian hucklebuck."
We all must experience sorrow,
but it seems the Lopez family has
endured much more than its share.
Just two years ago, I was
up here delivering the eulogy
for Jorge's dear wife, Norma.
So, what do we do when life
hands us tragedy like this?
When the love of God is so far away?
- [HOWARD] And hope so distant?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [SERMON CONTINUES]
- Are you all right?
It was my fault.
I'm the one who encouraged him
to stretch his sexual repertoire.
That heart attack was
gonna happen no matter what.
You know that, right?
It was just hibernating.
- [HOWARD] A wise man once said
- I guess.
- [HOWARD, INDISTINCT]
- So, that's your doctor, huh?
He's moderately attractive.
For a man his age.
How's it going with your schoolmarm?
Can't find a trumpet anywhere.
I still don't see how that's gonna
make her fall in love with me.
Look, romance in musicals
isn't always logical. Okay?
That's why they usually let
the songs do the heavy lifting.
I'm not singing.
Are we truly living our
lives to the fullest?
Do we have the courage to
always follow our hearts?
And are we using everything
God has blessed us with?
He makes a great point, huh?
About following our hearts.
I'd like to. I would. But
Because our brief sojourn here
on earth is a gift from God.
And he would not have us
waste a single minute of it.
You know what?
You're right.
[HOWARD] A wise man once said,
"The stars are always shining
- but it's only at night"
- Oh, no. I didn't mean right now.
Reverend, I have
something I'd like to say.
Uh, of course, Mr. Mayor.
The reverend is right.
Life is precious, and we
shouldn't waste a single minute.
So [BREATHES SHAKILY]
there's something I've
wanted to say for years
but have never had the courage.
Florence,
my dearest, I love you so much.
But
I'm a homosexual.
- A what?
- [GRAND MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm a homosexual ♪
It's no longer subtextual ♪
I'm attracted to men ♪
Not you men, you're dull ♪
But I'm a homosexual ♪
[FLORENCE CRIES]
Florence, wait!
[CRYING CONTINUES]
- [CONGREGATION MUTTERING]
- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS]
- Hey, Carson.
- [LISPING] Hey, Dr. Skinner.
Got a little something for ya.
What's that?
It's a kazoo.
And I know you'd
probably prefer a trumpet
but there aren't any in town. And
besides, a kazoo is much better
because you don't have to take
lessons or practice, or anything.
You just hum into it
and music comes out.
[SIGHS] Hmm.
The other kids will just make fun of me.
- Why do you say that?
- Because they always make fun of me.
I'm an outcast. I guess
I just don't fit in.
I know how you feel, buddy.
- You do?
- Sure.
When I was in school to be a
doctor, I didn't fit in either.
There wasn't anybody
like me in my whole group.
And to tell the truth, it
got pretty lonely sometimes.
But you know what I
did? I said, "Screw 'em."
[LISPING] "Screw 'em"?
Mm-hmm.
I I realized it didn't
matter what they thought.
It only mattered what I thought.
And so I worked hard, I became a doctor,
and now I have a ton of friends.
Including Carmelo Anthony, who
is a famous basketball player,
whose knee I once fixed and
hooked me up with courtside seats.
And those babies go
for, like, $2,500 a pop.
- Wow!
- Exactly. So, come on.
Give it a try.
- [HUMS]
- Mmm.
- [LOW HUM]
- Right.
[HUMS]
Wow! I did it! I made music!
- Sister! Sister! Sister!
- Yes?
Dr. Skinner gave me the
most amazing thing ever!
A kazoo! Look, I can make music!
[HUMMING]
That's great!
Holy shit, it worked.
Doctor?
Are you all right?
Oh, Melissa. Sorry, I was
just out here thinking.
It's been quite a day.
I didn't know about your wife.
I'm so sorry. You must
have loved her very much.
Yes, I did.
And I want you to know how
sorry I am about your father.
I feel like if it weren't
for me, he'd still be around.
Oh, no, no. Melissa, you
must never blame yourself.
Never.
Because of you, his last moments
were filled with joy. And love.
No thanks to me. No, no.
I am Dr. Jorge Sebastian Federico Lopez,
a controlling perfectionist who
won't just let people be who they are.
I hate that about myself. I hate it.
Well, I mean, there are positive
aspects to those qualities too.
That's what I told myself.
And in the meantime, I was making
the people I love miserable.
But then you showed up, standing
up to me, speaking your mind.
Yes, initially I hated it,
but now I've realized
that you were right.
And I was wrong. About everything.
That's the sexiest thing
any man has ever said to me.
You've changed me, Melissa.
Thank you.
[SOFTLY] How does this even work?
- [JOSH SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
A any luck?
[CHUCKLES] Nope.
Uh I'm kind of the
worst handyman ever.
Been here a week,
haven't fixed anything.
Except Carson.
- Thank you for reaching out to him.
- Oh.
He's had such a hard time growing
up without a mother or a father.
I've tried introducing the
important things in life to him.
You know, compassion, integrity,
that there should
always be a third thing.
But clearly there's so
much I've denied him.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
He's a great kid, and
that's because of you.
A lot of people in this
town would disagree.
Who cares what they think?
You're better than all
of them put together.
Josh Skinner.
You are not the man
that I thought you were.
Doctor?
Melissa, what the mayor
did today has inspired me.
[MUSIC STARTS]
I know this is sudden, but I
don't wanna waste another minute.
Suddenly I find myself forgetting ♪
All the things ♪
That bounce around my brain ♪
Suddenly I want to plan a wedding ♪
Although I know ♪
That's perfectly insane ♪
There's no sense ♪
In trying to explain it ♪
What and where and why ♪
And when and how ♪
All I know is suddenly I love you ♪
And suddenly that's ♪
All that matters now ♪
- Emma
- If this seems sudden, well, it is.
But after what happened
today at the funeral,
it just feels wrong to keep it inside.
Suddenly it seems ♪
I'm not the teacher ♪
And there's so much more ♪
For me to learn ♪
Suddenly I want to call a preacher ♪
And that's the sort of thought ♪
I used to spurn ♪
There's no sense ♪
In trying to explain it ♪
What and where and why ♪
And when and how ♪
All I know is suddenly I love you ♪
And suddenly that's ♪
All that matters now ♪
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[DOC LOPEZ, EMMA] There's no sense ♪
In trying to explain it ♪
What and where and why ♪
And when and how ♪
All I know is suddenly I love you ♪
And suddenly that's all that matters ♪
Now ♪
[GRAND MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC ENDS]
- When you've got a job to do ♪
- When you've got a job to do ♪
- You must try with all your heart ♪
- You must try with all your heart ♪
Life's profoundest joys ♪
- Go to girls and boys ♪
- Girls and boys ♪
- Who finish what they start
- S-T-A-R-T! ♪
So here's a slice of good advice ♪
That I'm obliged to impart ♪
You must always try your best ♪
With all of your heart ♪
[SONG CONTINUES, TEMPO INCREASES]
So here's a slice of good advice ♪
That I'm obliged to impart ♪
You must always try your best ♪
Though life puts you to the test ♪
You must always try your best ♪
With all of your ♪
- Heart ♪
- H-E-A-R-T!