Sealab 2021 (2000) s01e04 Episode Script
Chickmate
1 I gotta have a baby.
I gotta have a baby.
I gotta have a baby! If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Okay.
Now, hush my little babies.
It's time to learn.
Now, can anyone tell me what the Internet was, and how it almost destroyed mankind in the year 2007? What in the Sam hill? I must have a baby! Lord, her clock went off! That sweet girl's about to embark on a magical journey.
Most powerful thing in the world is the love of a woman for a child.
Listen fatty! I told you once! You can either hold it, or you can just pee in that wetsuit! A baby.
What was I thinking? I'm a marine biologist.
I study ocean life.
Like this little guy! You're my little baby, my cute little - Oh! Oh, my baby! My baby my baby! Oh yeah, snowboarding.
Well I'm, I'm going Saturday again - Help! Somebody save my baby! Come on! Debbie, what's wrong? You've gotta save my little baby! From what, having fun? Yeah, let him play.
He's splashing nicely.
It's cute! Why is it people who don't have kids are always telling people with kids how to raise - Kids? Debbie, are you okay? If you're not gonna help, get out of the way! I've got a million things to do! Find a good preschool, and oh my God - vaccinations! Ohhh!! Yeah, so then the other Debbie just freaked out, and ran down the hall.
Yelling about babies.
Well, a woman's natural urges can be mighty powerful, honey.
Ho, yeah, you said a mouthful there, Debbie.
Heh heh heh.
So, umm, how you been? Actually, I been a little under the weather.
Sounds like you need a shot of Vitamin M.
Hmm-hmm, you know? I think I might.
It's a pretty big needle.
I get it.
Come on in, honey.
This doctor makes house calls! I get it! Oh, you gonna get it! Would you just get in here?? Oh, I'm gonna get in there.
Alright already! Well, Debbie thinks this is all about her biological clock.
And I - She stopped screaming long enough to tell you that? Huh? No no no no, no, the other Debbie.
Debbie the teacher.
Oh, you mean Black Debbie.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, why is she "Black Debbie"? No, not in a bad way.
It's just to tell them apart because she's black.
Well, why don't you call her Debbie, and the other one "White Debbie"? "White Debbie?" Heh, that's stupid! I know she's white.
Then why do you call the other Debbie "Black Debbie"? You know she's black.
Hey, first off, I really don't think we should be talking about this in front of Dr.
Quinn.
Ha ha ha, listen, man, you're missing the point.
What if everyone went around calling you "White Stormy"? Y-you mean there's a black Stormy? No.
Okay, people, listen up.
Mother Nature has spoken, and I want to have a baby.
Now, I don't have a lot of time, so one of you is gonna be the lucky father.
Sweet.
Screening process starts tomorrow, bright and early.
Now, was that the white Debbie, or the, er, black Debbie? Now, Captain Murphy.
Hi! - Hi.
Now, sir, why do you think I should choose you, to father my baby? Huh? Well, I mean, I thought that you were going to, uh, well I mean, adopt one of us.
What? - Mm-hmm.
Captain, I want one of you to impregnate me.
Okay Mm-hmm aah the man - yeah the lady - sure.
baby! Well, as long as the baby doesn't touch my stash.
Your what?? Heh heh, moustache.
Next.
I've decided to let my tape do the talking.
Oh, this oughtta be great.
Hello, ladies.
Stormy Waters at your service.
But who is Stormy Waters - Hey! Hesh wants some sex! Hesh, get off! My tape's playing! Shut up! Debbie, get down here! Give Hesh some sex.
Hesh, this isn't funny! Be real funny when I crack you with a pipe! Okay, I'm coming down there! Shut up! Well now, Hesh - Shut up! Um, okay Why do you think you would make a good father? Ummmm Gimme a second uhhh Sex! Okay Debbie, forget about Hesh.
Okay I've got something for you.
What is it? A book.
What's the book? "A Modest Proposal" By whom? Jonathan Swift.
And what is the book about? Eating babies.
Stupid Hesh! I'll show him what a pipe is.
Where is the reactor room? Hey Stormy! Hey, Blaaa Debbie! Hey, do you like rap? Now what in the hell is - - that supposed to mean?? Like veal.
Only, babies.
What!? And I'm talkin' real baby back ribs.
Ohh! - See, it all comes - - down to the fact that you all have more fast-twitch muscle fiber.
Stormy Waters, I have heard some dumb theories in my time, but this is, without a doubt - - the foulest thing I have ever heard! Rrrrrrribs! Dripping with sauce! That's disgusting! Falling off the bone!! You sick bastard!! Hm, just trying to help out a single mom.
I am surrounded by freaks!! Man, don't go out there.
That black chick is crazy! The only way this could possibly get any worse - The doctor is in!! - is that.
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
I got this one.
.
unh.
.
Eww! I call this the Latinator!! Ugh! Yeah, nice backne.
Well, what do you think, chica? If I ever want a steroid freak baby, I'll call you.
Yeah, well, he better keep his flippers off my stash.
Not so fast, Marco.
Debbie, last night I put on some Al Green and I wrote a 200 page thesis detailing my superior paternal qualifications.
200 pages? You like that, don't you baby? Oh yeah yeah! Then I went to the lab.
Ran a complete genome series.
Uh-huh! Double-encoded DNA scan.
- Oh! You like that? Oh, yeah Doctor! Yes! Yes!! God, I love your brain! It's so big!! Jeez, stop that! Mommy, don't talk like that! Get away from my mommy! Whoa, that was intense.
Glad I'm wearing a wetsuit.
What makes Dr.
Quinn so great? Smart men are just really sexy.
I'm as smart as him! What? I got PhD's in 4 scientific disciplines.
.
.
Really? Why do you think they call me "Doctor Quinn"? Um, I just thought that was a nickname.
You know, like "Dr.
Dre".
East si-ide! God, you're stupid.
Hey, shut your hatch! You shut your hatch! Stormy, you crybaby! - You big dope, what's your problem? Stop! Stop it, you're scaring Mommy! - El mas guapo! El mas macho! Ricky Ricardo wannabe! - Yeah, yeah, bring your brain to me! Hesh wants some sex! - La mujer es mÃa! MÃa! MÃa! Toda mÃa! Shut up!! - Aah! What was I thinking?? Look at you! To think I was actually gonna let one of you father my baby?! Ha!! I could carve a better father out of a mango! Who needs a baby? I've got five, full-grown babies right here! So you can all just forget it!! Man, what a day.
I wonder what the Space Baby thinks about all this.
Nnn-nope I got nothing.
Do you want the moustache on or off? Off, please.
Too bad
I gotta have a baby.
I gotta have a baby! If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Okay.
Now, hush my little babies.
It's time to learn.
Now, can anyone tell me what the Internet was, and how it almost destroyed mankind in the year 2007? What in the Sam hill? I must have a baby! Lord, her clock went off! That sweet girl's about to embark on a magical journey.
Most powerful thing in the world is the love of a woman for a child.
Listen fatty! I told you once! You can either hold it, or you can just pee in that wetsuit! A baby.
What was I thinking? I'm a marine biologist.
I study ocean life.
Like this little guy! You're my little baby, my cute little - Oh! Oh, my baby! My baby my baby! Oh yeah, snowboarding.
Well I'm, I'm going Saturday again - Help! Somebody save my baby! Come on! Debbie, what's wrong? You've gotta save my little baby! From what, having fun? Yeah, let him play.
He's splashing nicely.
It's cute! Why is it people who don't have kids are always telling people with kids how to raise - Kids? Debbie, are you okay? If you're not gonna help, get out of the way! I've got a million things to do! Find a good preschool, and oh my God - vaccinations! Ohhh!! Yeah, so then the other Debbie just freaked out, and ran down the hall.
Yelling about babies.
Well, a woman's natural urges can be mighty powerful, honey.
Ho, yeah, you said a mouthful there, Debbie.
Heh heh heh.
So, umm, how you been? Actually, I been a little under the weather.
Sounds like you need a shot of Vitamin M.
Hmm-hmm, you know? I think I might.
It's a pretty big needle.
I get it.
Come on in, honey.
This doctor makes house calls! I get it! Oh, you gonna get it! Would you just get in here?? Oh, I'm gonna get in there.
Alright already! Well, Debbie thinks this is all about her biological clock.
And I - She stopped screaming long enough to tell you that? Huh? No no no no, no, the other Debbie.
Debbie the teacher.
Oh, you mean Black Debbie.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, why is she "Black Debbie"? No, not in a bad way.
It's just to tell them apart because she's black.
Well, why don't you call her Debbie, and the other one "White Debbie"? "White Debbie?" Heh, that's stupid! I know she's white.
Then why do you call the other Debbie "Black Debbie"? You know she's black.
Hey, first off, I really don't think we should be talking about this in front of Dr.
Quinn.
Ha ha ha, listen, man, you're missing the point.
What if everyone went around calling you "White Stormy"? Y-you mean there's a black Stormy? No.
Okay, people, listen up.
Mother Nature has spoken, and I want to have a baby.
Now, I don't have a lot of time, so one of you is gonna be the lucky father.
Sweet.
Screening process starts tomorrow, bright and early.
Now, was that the white Debbie, or the, er, black Debbie? Now, Captain Murphy.
Hi! - Hi.
Now, sir, why do you think I should choose you, to father my baby? Huh? Well, I mean, I thought that you were going to, uh, well I mean, adopt one of us.
What? - Mm-hmm.
Captain, I want one of you to impregnate me.
Okay Mm-hmm aah the man - yeah the lady - sure.
baby! Well, as long as the baby doesn't touch my stash.
Your what?? Heh heh, moustache.
Next.
I've decided to let my tape do the talking.
Oh, this oughtta be great.
Hello, ladies.
Stormy Waters at your service.
But who is Stormy Waters - Hey! Hesh wants some sex! Hesh, get off! My tape's playing! Shut up! Debbie, get down here! Give Hesh some sex.
Hesh, this isn't funny! Be real funny when I crack you with a pipe! Okay, I'm coming down there! Shut up! Well now, Hesh - Shut up! Um, okay Why do you think you would make a good father? Ummmm Gimme a second uhhh Sex! Okay Debbie, forget about Hesh.
Okay I've got something for you.
What is it? A book.
What's the book? "A Modest Proposal" By whom? Jonathan Swift.
And what is the book about? Eating babies.
Stupid Hesh! I'll show him what a pipe is.
Where is the reactor room? Hey Stormy! Hey, Blaaa Debbie! Hey, do you like rap? Now what in the hell is - - that supposed to mean?? Like veal.
Only, babies.
What!? And I'm talkin' real baby back ribs.
Ohh! - See, it all comes - - down to the fact that you all have more fast-twitch muscle fiber.
Stormy Waters, I have heard some dumb theories in my time, but this is, without a doubt - - the foulest thing I have ever heard! Rrrrrrribs! Dripping with sauce! That's disgusting! Falling off the bone!! You sick bastard!! Hm, just trying to help out a single mom.
I am surrounded by freaks!! Man, don't go out there.
That black chick is crazy! The only way this could possibly get any worse - The doctor is in!! - is that.
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
I got this one.
.
unh.
.
Eww! I call this the Latinator!! Ugh! Yeah, nice backne.
Well, what do you think, chica? If I ever want a steroid freak baby, I'll call you.
Yeah, well, he better keep his flippers off my stash.
Not so fast, Marco.
Debbie, last night I put on some Al Green and I wrote a 200 page thesis detailing my superior paternal qualifications.
200 pages? You like that, don't you baby? Oh yeah yeah! Then I went to the lab.
Ran a complete genome series.
Uh-huh! Double-encoded DNA scan.
- Oh! You like that? Oh, yeah Doctor! Yes! Yes!! God, I love your brain! It's so big!! Jeez, stop that! Mommy, don't talk like that! Get away from my mommy! Whoa, that was intense.
Glad I'm wearing a wetsuit.
What makes Dr.
Quinn so great? Smart men are just really sexy.
I'm as smart as him! What? I got PhD's in 4 scientific disciplines.
.
.
Really? Why do you think they call me "Doctor Quinn"? Um, I just thought that was a nickname.
You know, like "Dr.
Dre".
East si-ide! God, you're stupid.
Hey, shut your hatch! You shut your hatch! Stormy, you crybaby! - You big dope, what's your problem? Stop! Stop it, you're scaring Mommy! - El mas guapo! El mas macho! Ricky Ricardo wannabe! - Yeah, yeah, bring your brain to me! Hesh wants some sex! - La mujer es mÃa! MÃa! MÃa! Toda mÃa! Shut up!! - Aah! What was I thinking?? Look at you! To think I was actually gonna let one of you father my baby?! Ha!! I could carve a better father out of a mango! Who needs a baby? I've got five, full-grown babies right here! So you can all just forget it!! Man, what a day.
I wonder what the Space Baby thinks about all this.
Nnn-nope I got nothing.
Do you want the moustache on or off? Off, please.
Too bad