Second Jen (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - - [Door chime sounds.]
'Sup, nerfherders? You're late.
Garth, tell her she's late.
Uh, you just did.
You're late.
An assistant store manager is never late, nor is she early.
She arrives precisely when she means to.
But we're past that now.
The real issue here is that you work too hard and you need something or someone to occupy your time.
That's the real issue, huh? Yeah, otherwise, you're gonna end up like that.
Oh, my God, no.
Me meeting someone doesn't really mean that I'll not notice that you're late.
I wouldn't mind if you were a couple of minutes late after some morning fun times.
What about your roommate, Jennifer? She's single, no? T'would be good for her to go out with someone I do not detest.
Ah, so it's settled.
Nah, what's settled? Nothing's settled.
What are you talking about? Look, there's no time for questions.
I left my lunch at home.
Jen's gonna be here in a couple of minutes to drop it off because she's amazing, and you need to get ready - to ask her out.
- [Door chime sounds.]
- That was fast.
- Hey, Mo.
- You forgot your lunch.
[chuckles.]
- M'lady.
[laughs.]
You're looking very regal.
Oh, yeah, this is my costume.
I'm working one of those real life scavenger hunts.
Jen loves games.
You love games.
You have so much in common.
- You two should go out.
- I agree.
And it's settled.
[self-conscious laugh.]
- I - [nervous laugh.]
[door creaks.]
Hey! Someone's keen to take out the garbage? I figured I would also stay late tonight to sweep the roaches out of the stock room.
You do know that corporate's not paying overtime anymore, right? Let's start our own store with benefits and trampolines.
Actually, it's funny that you mentioned that.
You know that, ah, that game I've been working on? You mean that Ninja RPG thing you're always talking about, ya weeb? Well, uh, it turns out some start-up developer read my blog and wants to help finance it.
[laughing.]
That's amazing! You've been working so hard on that.
Yeah, just every night for the last two years.
Everything's coming up Garth your career, your love life My love life, yeah, um, speaking of which, I don't actually wanna go out with your roommate tonight.
I'm sorry, I should stay and do inventory.
I'll do it, yeah.
You desperately need a night off.
I desperately need overtime hours.
You can pay me back for it later, you know, under the table, out of your own pocket.
Does Jen even like me? She thinks that you're totally smart, and artistic, and adorkable.
- Adorkable? - Mm-hmm.
[Sighing.]
I guess it is just one night.
- [Mo, quietly.]
Yes! - But I'm not paying you under the table.
It's weird.
Fraggle nuggets.
If ye seek the stone of power, ye must search the tallest tower! Then ye shall find the treasure! CN Tower the tallest free-standing structure in Canada.
Actually, Dubai beat us out for the world record in 2010.
Yeah, all right, pointy thing.
Can't miss it.
Yo, m'lady, you wanna grab ye olde lunch? I just brought you lunch.
Sold it to Alister for rent money.
They're not paying overtime hours at the store anymore.
I might have to go back to my old way of making money.
No, no, no, you can't go back to doing that.
It's morally reprehensible.
Eh, Borrow-A-Buddy is the newest profession.
Paying people for companionship sounds like the oldest profession.
I'm not the one on a street corner.
Fair point.
FYI, you're going to a game night with Garth for your date tonight.
Mo, I'm not going on a date with your boss.
I barely know him.
Jen, it's one date, and Garth is awesome, and you haven't been on a date with a human man since Pitbull was relevant.
Just don't make a big deal out of it.
You know I can't do that.
Okay, gimme the goods.
Likes, dislikes, star sign, nationality.
Likes good game design, hates bad game design, and doesn't believe in astrology, I mean, it's total B.
S.
, and nationality? I don't know.
Generic White guy.
Does Garth even wanna go on this date with me? Yes.
He thinks you're super smart and super cool, in a lame kinda way, and that you got a balla sense of style.
Well [laughs.]
You know, it would be nice to be able to stay out late without my mom sniffing my clothes for sex.
Okay, one date.
[laughs.]
Seriously? Tallest free-standing structure means you can see it.
- Right there, dude.
Just go south.
- Go.
Go.
[both sigh.]
Okay, tell me more about what Garth said.
[straining.]
[exhales.]
Okay, that's enough.
[groans.]
- (NATE) Lewis? Okay, - [exhaling.]
what do you think of these? I made 'em for Jen.
[sighs.]
Well, they they reek of try-hard.
[chomps.]
They taste delicious.
- That's the nutmeg, baby! - [laughs.]
Mmm! Nate, you always do this, you know? You always take it one step too far and then you end up getting shafted like one of Taylor Swift's exes.
- Which one? - Exactly.
Look, I think I'm doing really well.
I got the approval of her dad and I helped her with that interview.
You wanna keep some mystery.
Be less "overt" and more "covert.
" You learned that from that pick-up seminar I told you not to go to.
Yeah, the misogyny was awful, but the craft coffee they brought in - was really nice.
- Oh.
Oh.
Listen, man, if you really like Jen, let her come to you and let these cookies come to me, huh? Ah! Not for you.
That's cold, bro.
You look very nice, by the way.
Your style is, um Balla.
Yeah, I thought you might say that.
I wouldn't say Sure.
And and you, you look Adorkable? No, I don't think I'd I don't use that word, but [laughs.]
Rea Just 'cause Mo said that Never mind.
Never mind.
Um, I gotta warn you I'm not very good - at games in the physical world.
- Oh, it's cool, I'm not really good at life in the physical world.
[both laughing.]
[coy laugh.]
[cute sighs.]
Wow, that is an adorkable laugh.
- Oh, you and that word.
- [laughs.]
- 'Sup? - [gasps.]
Damn it, Alister, I was just about to defend my virtue.
- What are you doing here? - You told me to meet you here.
You said, in case I turned out to be a creep, you could yell "fire!".
- What are you talkin' about? - Oh I'm your Borrow-A-Buddy.
- Fire! - [passer-by gasps.]
- [siren wailing.]
- [sighing.]
When Mo mentioned that you were interested, I I was surprised, really, but then, I thought, you know - why not? - Say what? I just I meant that I was flattered.
[gulps.]
That [chuckles nervously.]
I would go on a date with you because you like me? - 'Cause I Li What? - Huh? [inhales.]
I think there's been a bit of miscommunication.
You didn't ask Mo to set us up.
I think we've been set up.
- Well, this is great.
- It's fine.
[both laugh.]
[Jen continues laughing awkwardly.]
Okay Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
But are we really that surprised? This is totally a "Mo.
" Set-ups with the best intentions.
Classic.
God, I was so flirty.
You know what? Maybe we should call it a night before it gets any more awkward.
Jen, is that you? And there it is.
I'm meeting my fiancé here.
It's date night, you know? It's how we keep our love so strong, and in the top 10 couples to watch.
So, who is this cutie? [laughs.]
Garth.
Uh, Garth, this is an old Karen.
Ah, Mo and I went to school together with her.
People were so mean saying that she was too stunted by mommy issues to meet someone.
I'm glad it worked out.
- I'll stop interrupting your date.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, no, it's cool.
It's not a date.
It's actually a kind of a funny story.
Oh, no, no, it's actually not that funny.
It's not a date? It kind of a date.
Mo and I work together.
She set us up.
Said that we both liked each other.
But you don't.
- Uh, no.
- Well we don't know that yet.
Uh, so, you work at the game store, too? You know, my brother works at Ubistrong.
Sometimes I get to model the games.
Wow, that's that's really cool.
You know what, Karen? We were just about to start a rousing game of something.
Yeah I thought that we were calling it a night.
[hushed.]
to remember.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
[sighs.]
You know, I I can game at home alone, right? Yeah, well, hanging out in public was kinda ruled out when you stop, drop and rolled us into the street.
Okay, you are the one who yelled "fire," all right? I was being a good buddy.
And, by the way, it's your turn.
I-I-I wanna do real friend stuff.
I wanna do the stuff that you and Jen do.
I want the authentic "Mo" friend experience.
- Really? - Jen doesn't like my organized piles.
This is what you two do for fun.
Actually, sometimes Jen folds all the clothes backwards and then colour-codes them so it looks like we're in a store.
[sarcastic laugh.]
Okay! You see, that's good.
You wanna keep your arms nice and far apart, otherwise, you end up working your triceps.
[exhales.]
Can you tell me why I'm doing this again? To get your mind off of Jen.
Quiet the mind by exciting the body.
That's funny 'cause my body feels like dubstep right now.
[groans.]
- Think of the bar as a woman.
- [exhales.]
You wanna lower it down nice and slowly.
You resist the push at first, and then you let it crush ya.
[groaning and panting.]
Do you think Jen likes dubstep? Gimme this.
I don't even know why I bother.
- [barbell clanks.]
- [Nate sighs and pants.]
Mmm Honestly, it's like every video game is an adventure just waiting to happen.
Like every level is like a new chapter.
[laughs.]
Cool.
I just want to reinvent the way that we see games, you know, like Miyamoto.
Who? Shigeru Miyamoto.
He's the mastermind behind, ah, like some of the most popular video game franchises in the world.
[laughs.]
Yeah, of course.
You know, I tried playing an adventure game once, ah but I just ended up collecting flowers the whole time, and then I died trying to hug a town guard.
Uh some games offer more than others.
[chuckles.]
- More beer? - Sure.
Well, I'm not done Whatever.
Sometimes Jen and I troll Tinder hoping to rank the matches we inevitably don't get.
Sometimes we go to the grocery store with expired coupons and Jen argues with the cashier until he gives us a discount.
Okay, you know what, if you're not going to put any effort into this, I'm just gonna go.
Are you ditching me, literally, at your own expense? Mo, don't take this the wrong way.
I just don't think you're cut out for this work.
You're just not a very good friend.
Screw you! I'm the best friend! Okay, how many friends do you actually have? Garth, Jen, Nate, Lewis, and that spider that lives in my bathtub.
Okay, so one co-worker, two neighbours all people and arachnids you didn't actively have to seek out.
You've never had to try to make a new friend because you've had one easy friendship your entire life.
But what happens when that friend starts hanging out with Garth, or anyone else, for that matter? Mo, I don't use the C-word very often, but - you're co-dependent.
- That's ridiculous.
(JEN'S VOICE) Jen is calling Mo, on your cellular phone Jen is calling Mo, with her custom ring tone! 'Kay, I know what this sounds like, but (JEN'S VOICE) Jen is calling Mo, on your cellular phone Jen is calling Mo, with her custom ring tone! [phone beeps.]
Fine, what do you wanna do? Hey, Mo, pick up your phone.
I know you set me up under false pretences, so you'd better come save me or I will kill you.
[phone beeps.]
[heavy sigh.]
- [phone ringing.]
- [sighs.]
Ah, you see, Nate, the resistance is good.
The bar is the weight - of a good woman - [phone vibrating.]
[strained.]
coming down on ya.
- Uh, you were right! Hey, Jen.
- (LEWIS) Wait Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's a great time.
[gasping and puffing.]
[foot stomps, gasping.]
Nate So, what exactly did Jen say? Well, that she needed me to come and have a drink with her.
Oh, yeah, how 'bout the guy she's on a date with? - How does he fit into all this? - What? [laughs.]
Hey! I cannot believe you guys are here.
Thank God you are here.
I am on the lamest date ever and I cannot bail because I convinced him to stay.
So, what I need you guys to do is help me casual up this date.
Okay, it's not like we had anything better to do, but [gulps.]
You were in the middle of something? Yeah, you said that you needed me and, I guess, me being here is too "overt" so, uh Are you okay? I'm totally fine, yeah.
Are you being sarcastic? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, great.
Well, let's go.
[laughs.]
- [Nate clicks his tongue.]
- [Jen laughs.]
[Nate scoffs.]
Okay.
Alister, I've been searching the store for an hour.
I'm not gonna find the last item on the scavenger hunt.
[gulps water.]
Did I just swallow a plastic battle axe? Limited Edition! Congratulations! You just passed the final test of the scavenger hunt.
So, what did I win besides a torn oesophagus? Uh, how about I cover your shift next Saturday night? I was probably going to be here anyways.
You know, this has been so much fun.
Like "Five-stars-on Borrow-A-Buddy" fun? Mo, can I be honest? Am I gonna regret it? I rented you, but mostly because I thought you needed a friend, and money, and a friend, also money.
- [watch beeping.]
- Oh, well, that's our time.
I'll see you later.
Hey, hold up.
Forget the clock.
Let's just keep hanging.
I just realized I haven't wondered about Jen and and Garth for at least an hour, so thanks for that.
It's killing you now, isn't it? - Like hot knives on a cold day.
- [sighs.]
But, doesn't change the fact that I had fun.
Hmm, you've given me the holy grail of friendship, filled with the sweet nectar of honesty.
That's weird, but can we continue to be - honest? - Sure.
Okay, I fully wanna go spy-mode on Jen and Garth, but I don't wanna go alone.
What are friends for, if not to help you violate the basic privacy rights of others to help you fulfil your sad narcissistic emotional needs.
You get me.
Mm, okay, for my turn, I'm going to continue my quest for the longest road around Jen's castle, and then I'm gonna use all of my resources to cut off Jen's harbour, buh-bye, Jen's harbour.
And, finally, I'm going to move the thief, which allows me to take a card.
Which card should I take? I guess I will take the only card left in Jen's hand and that, my friends, is how you take someone out of the Ga [glass shatters.]
So, how'd you guys meet? [laughing weakly.]
You know what? As much as I enjoy interrupting people's evenings, are you sure we should be interrupting Jen and Garth's evening? They won't mind.
I mean, the only reason they're on a date is 'cause I lied and said they liked each other.
Mo, how could you? Jen is your best friend.
Garth is your second best workplace friend after me.
- Um - If you don't tell them the truth, your life is going to become a dystopian summer title.
Maybe there's a darker truth you are having troubles dealing with.
You know what? We've been friends for 15 minutes now.
Tell me everything.
Okay, fine.
Look, Jen's the best lady I know.
She's wicked cool, even if she blows at video games, and Garth is the best guy I know.
- Present company excluded.
- The point is I know Jen's gonna like Garth, because I like Garth, and Jen and I are basically the same person, and Garth's sweet, and he's driven, and Jen deserves someone like Garth, and Garth deserves someone like Jen.
And I should have just told them that, instead of lying and being a horrible friend.
Hey, you are a horrible friend.
Listen, I've been thinking about it.
We have jumped into this way too fast.
Let's just go back to being frenemies.
Maybe we can see other buddies, hm? Are you friend dumping me? I am friend dumping you, yes.
Feels okay.
Oh, Mo, when will the lies stop, hm? So much sadness.
All right, you take care.
[heavy sigh.]
[dryer whirring.]
Hey, so there's a lotta crazy goin' on out there right now.
Yeah, you were right.
I gotta stop being Jen's beck and call guy.
Nah, you were right.
You should have just gone in straight up.
You were just trying to help.
[sighs.]
Nate, I see what's happening right now, and you're being vulnerable, so, ah, - I'm gonna do the same.
- Please don't.
No, listen, man, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.
Really? If you voluntarily sign up for one of these pick-up seminars, I feel like you kinda have to.
Agreed.
[sighs.]
But, look, I've been giving you all this advice on how to pick up these women and, uh, it is not working.
Yeah, but your heart's in the right place, man.
Is it, though, 'cause [sighs.]
I feel like maybe it's not and-and-and I'm only doing that because I don't actually want you to find anybody, because, if you do, then maybe [sighs.]
we won't get to do what we do.
Have a pointless, emotional conversation inside the men's room? [sighs.]
No, buddy, you and me, Nate and Lewis, tearin' up, being stupid together.
Lewis, if my pants suggest anything, it's that I'm a long way from meeting someone, and when I do meet someone, believe me, we're still gonna do stupid stuff.
You know that, right? [sighs.]
I guess I just needed to hear it, you know? - Bro hug? - Yeah.
[Lewis swallows emotionally.]
- Your pants are still really wet.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Nate and Lewis are taking a long time in the bathroom.
Do you think we should continue the game? I'm actually done with games.
I'm gonna be very direct.
Did you invite those guys to join us? [laughs.]
Of course not.
Are you used to lying? Of course not.
Okay, look when Mo told me you were interested in me, it interested me, but then you seemed interested in Karen.
So, I pretended to be interested in video games, which I am so not.
Then, I invited the guys over to make it a little more interesting.
But, interestingly enough, I just wish this whole night had never happened and we had just had a simple old boring date.
[laughing.]
And, I mean, Nate Nate, I am so sorry that I dragged you guys into this.
I totally get why it was awkward and why you've been acting out.
Oh, so we're just having a big old friend-orgy without me, huh? [sighs.]
Okay, fine.
I deserve it, after what I did.
Jen, Garth, I have a confession to make.
No, just no more confessions.
It's fine, Mo, really.
Jen and I had a interesting evening, but, frankly, I'm actually looking forward to the second boring old date.
- Really? - Really.
- Really? - Really? Hey, can we circle back to that friend-orgy idea you had mentioned.
- ♪♪ - So, Alister invented this game? It's based on Homer's "Odyssey" and it's called Odopoly.
Now hurry up, so I can get back to Ithaca before nefarious suitors steal my hot-hot wife.
Whoa.
Okay, sounds like buddy had some influence.
- Bam! I get to move Athena.
- [sighs.]
So, what about you and Garth? I don't know.
I mean, I can see why you like him.
So, I guess we'll see.
Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this.
The cart goes here, the dog goes here, and the Mo? Wow, Alister really captured my essence.
Dude, I think it's to scale.
Nope, my rack's better.
[laughs.]