See Dad Run (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

Ah, good, you're back.
How's Joe? - In bed, finally.
- Aw, poor kid.
This is the third sleepover he's left early.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just wish he called during dinner instead of right after we got home for dessert.
So what excuse did he use this time? Menstrual cramps.
And I tell you, he really sold it too.
All the way home, he was like "oh, I'm so bloated.
I want chocolate.
" Honey, I think we need to talk to him.
I think this may be a problem.
Oh, it's a problem? I needs my desserts, honey.
Okay.
Hey, did you guys hear a noise? Like a howling or something? Uh, no.
But he was about to.
Okay, I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay in here, that's all.
He wants to sleep with us.
No.
He drools and he mumbles weird things.
Absolutely not.
- Morning, hon.
- Uh-huh.
Uhoh.
Rough night? Uh-huh.
Oh, I slept like a baby.
Yeah, like a baby that wouldn't shut up.
Yay! It's Saturday! Mom's cooking! Excuse me? You make good milk.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Guys, you are not gonna believe what happened at Brianna's party last night.
What happened at Brianna's party last night? I have no idea, because I wasn't there.
Here we go.
Can you explain to me why I'm the one who gets stuck baby-sitting every time you and dad want to have date night? Hey, you wouldn't exist if it weren't for date night.
Gross.
Gotta earn your allowance somehow, Emily.
Plus, Janie feels really comfortable around you.
What are you doing home? I thought you were at a sleepover.
Oh.
You got scared again.
What's she talkin' about? It was my time of the month.
Ooh, I'm so grumpy.
That's a girl thing, genius.
His friends have been watching horror movies at their sleepovers.
It's the movies.
Is that what's been bothering you, Joe? Okay, first of all, I wish somebody would've told me it was a girl thing, and second, yes, those movies are scaring the liquids out of me.
Okay.
Being afraid is nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie.
Everyone has fears.
Yeah, like not being able to get back in the loop, which I am so totally out of.
What are you afraid of, dad? I don't know.
I can't really think of anything off the top of my head.
Pfft! I can.
It's spiders.
Elevators, icicles, zoos uh, excuse me, excuse some spiders are poisonous, elevators hang by a tiny cable, icicles are frozen Spears of death, and zoos where do I begin? Every day in the news, you see a baboon escaping from a zoo, but I can't outrun one.
Can you? You're also afraid of clowns.
Well, duh.
Who isn't? Look, Joe, only way to conquer your fear is you have to face it head on, okay? Like I did in my very special and much beloved two-part episode "daddy climbs a Mountain.
" Remember that one, honey? - Mm.
- Now, Marcus based it on my real fear of heights.
I was petrified to climb that Mountain, but in the end, I manned up and I did it, and eventually, I got over my fear.
You didn't climb any Mountain.
It was a special effect, honey.
America thinks I got over it, so it's true.
I don't think I can be as brave by next Saturday.
There's another sleepover, and everyone is going.
Okay, tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna help you climb your Mountain, all right? You and I, we are gonna watch a scary movie together, all right? - Mom.
- Come on.
I'm gonna show you that it's all movie magic, Joe, and I got the perfect movie in mind.
Mm, would it happen to be one you are in? Starred in, actually.
Zombie r.
I.
P.
D.
Oh.
You're really gonna force your son to watch that? - Force? - Mm-hmm.
This was a cult classic, this movie.
There was a line for it at comic-con, thank you.
It was a line for the bathroom, but don't tell your father, okay? Thanks.
What else did I miss at, clearly, the best party ever? Okay.
Taylor was drinking a soda.
Wait, girl Taylor or boy Taylor? Girl Taylor, but then Riley bumped into her.
- Girl Riley or boy Riley? - Boy Riley, but girl Riley thought that they were flirting, so they broke up, and now girl Taylor's with boy Riley, and girl Riley's with boy Taylor.
Shut up! Baby-sitting is ruining my life.
I have to figure a way out of this.
Something tells me you already have, and I'm gonna be a part of it.
Janie is only comfortable with me, but what if she wasn't? What if she was like Joe so scared she only wants to be with my parents? Are you seriously asking me to help you scare a five-year-old so you can go to a party at Riley's? There's a party at Riley's? Boy Riley or girl Riley? Wait, it doesn't matter.
A Riley is having a party, and I need to be there! So I guess we're scaring a five-year-old, okay.
If it makes you feel any better, she turns 6 in 11 months.
- It's Chris.
- Aw, I can't stand her.
It'sno, it's boy Chris.
Oh, I love him! Ahh! Now, you see that head just get cut off? You mean the one they're bowling with? Guess you weren't spared! All right, now, okay, see this? See, that's me going through a fake cemetery.
That's fake fog, and I'm faking that I'm scared.
You're under cardiac arrest.
Ahh! Tiffany, run! So was your hair fake also? That was real, and probably the scariest part of the movie.
Hey, come on.
Mullets were very popular in the '80s, man.
Business in the front, party in the back, dude! Do you know what zombies are, Janie? The walking dead, and they like to suck little girls' brains out of their ears like milk shakes.
With a bendy straw? The point is only mom and dad can protect you, but only if they're home.
Nuhuh, Dr.
Monkey Chunks can do karate.
So you're not scared right now? No, but the next time you baby-sit me, can we make milk shakes? Ah! Here comes one of my best scenes.
Come on, you guys want a piece of me? Huhow! No! All right, see that zombie eating my brains, Joe? You see it? Look.
Here I am, still alive.
I'm surprised your career's still alive after that.
Need I remind you of your tour de force? Bikini girls from planet hot? Okay.
Touche, touche.
Hey, can we watch that one next? - Yes.
- No.
- Morning, dad.
- Hi.
Thanks for showing me that movie.
I think I can get through this sleepover.
Glad to hear it, Joe.
Made your favorite breakfast chocolate chip pancakes.
Cool.
Brains! Ahh! Zombie! Mom, help! - Business in the front.
- Party in the back.
No.
Ah! Ooh! Ooh.
Whoo.
- Pouring the wine.
- Be out in a sec! - Dad? - Yes, Joe? Are you really dad, or are you a zombie? Please say you're not a zombie.
Another nightmare? Okay.
Amy, just to let you know, little guy's going to sleep in here.
Well, maybe this'll wake him up.
Oh, that little guy.
Sorry, mom.
I had a nightmare.
I know the feeling, sweetheart.
I'm having one now.
Oh! I know it was a rough night for both of us, but I have a new way to help with your problem, okay? Trust me? Is that important? Let's do this.
Check it out.
Okay.
It's okay.
A few hours ago, that was just regular Kevin, but with some Hollywood magic from my makeup artist Stan, we have, uh, zombie Kevin.
Good work, Stan.
- Hey, what up, little dude? - No, no, no! No.
Joe, he's doing a voice.
Uh, actually, I'm not doing a voice.
David, did I mention that I'm allergic to latex? No.
Now that you mention it, Kevin, I wouldn't have had Stan slather it all over your face.
Epipen.
What? - EPI.
Pen! - Where is it? What? - In the Fanny pack! - Okay.
Okay! In the Fanny pack! - What's going on? - Kevin, why didn't you say you were allergic to latex? I didn't wanna scare you! Nobody move! I gotta get Janie! Ahh! Oh! That's a regular pen.
Sorry.
Hold on.
Ahh! We gotta fix this kid's sleeping problem, or he's gonna be in our bed till college, and at some point, that's just gonna get weird, honey.
David, it's a phase.
I mean, maybe if we just give him a little more time, he'll grow David, David.
David - Baboon! Is there a baboon attack somewhere? Come on, honey.
I'll make you some coffee, okay? Huh? All right.
- Let's get up.
Come on.
- Okay.
Okay.
Big pot of coffee.
Oh! Morning.
Well, someone's in a good mood.
I slept great, and I woke up very clearheaded and thought of a perfect solution for tonight's big sleepover.
- What? I'm not going.
David, Joe's not going to his sleepover.
- What? - So if you guys wanna do something, my night's wide open.
Joe, how come you're not going? Well, I know facing your fears may have worked for you, but there's just some mountains I can't climb.
I'm never gonna make it through that movie.
Hey! Wait, wait.
I-I think I have a way to help you now.
- Mom.
- Hang on.
How about this? What if you go to the movie, right at the house, and me and your mom park outside, and if you get scared, just look out the window, and we'll be there.
- But what if I still want to leave? - Uh, call us, and we'll come up with an excuse, and we'll come get you.
All right, but the excuse has to be a good one, or else I'm going with reptile dysfunction.
Hey, Janie.
It's time for dinner.
What do you want me to make you? Did you hear that? I think someone or something is in the house.
Janie, did you open those doors? Open those? I can't even reach them.
Well, if you didn't, and we're the only ones home, then who did? I wish mom and dad were here! Oh, my gosh! It's must be a ghost.
Oh, my gosh! It is a ghost.
Or it's just Mary.
Or it's Mary's phone from the grave.
Oo-oo-oo-oh! Give it up, Mary.
I told you to turn your phone off.
Playing ghost is fun.
Can I be the ghost now? Maybe after dinner.
Go wash up.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be baby-sitting for the rest of my life.
This is fun.
- So you okay, honey? - Yeah.
I think I can do this.
I feel better knowing you guys are there.
Oh, they're starting the movie.
Gotta go! Mm.
What are the two of us gonna do alone in the car for hours? Huh? Why don't we start by getting a little more comfortable? Hm? What'd you say? Tiger? Really? - Huh? What? David, come on! David, we are a married couple with three children.
We cannot squander opportunities like this.
- Okay, I'm fine, seriously.
- Okay? - I'm fine.
Yeah, yeah.
- You awake? Yep.
Look, if I pass out during it, just don't be insulted, honey.
Just keep going.
I'll catch up, okay? Hey, does anybody want more popcorn? 'Cause I can go get it.
Shh! How about some soda? A juice? A lighthearted Adam sandler flick? Shh! - How old is this? - Doesn't matter.
Drink it.
It'll wake you up.
Um, mm, mm.
I feel like a couple of teenagers All over again - Oh! Cramp! - Wha, wha, wha? - Ah! Honey, honey, honey! Oh, stupid juice box! Honey, grab my leg.
Grab my leg, please! Okay, okay.
I've got it.
- Okay.
Evening, officer.
Step out of the car, please.
Ahh! Mom, dad's a zombie.
I'm so scared.
What are you doing to doctor monkey chunks? Oh, I must've gotten a juice stain on her, so I'm cleaning her off, but I can't see.
I need more light.
Oh, no! Doctor monkey chunks fell in the disposal! - Ahh! Save her! Save her! Trying! I am so sorry, Janie.
See, this is why I should never baby-sit.
Mom and dad would never make a mistake like this.
Is she really gone? Oh, no.
Not your cry face.
Please don't make your cry face.
Now, I've got the cry face.
Here, see? She's right here.
She's perfectly fine.
It was all just a trick.
Come out, Mary.
It's just me, Janie.
See? It's Mary.
Oh, no.
Not your cry face.
Sorry, em, I can't take the cry face.
I'm out.
I'm out! I'm so sorry, Janie.
I was just trying to make you want mom and dad around so I don't have to baby-sit.
Why? You don't like to be with me? Of course I like to be with you.
It's just, sometimes, I like to be with kids my age, but that doesn't mean I love you any less.
I'll tell you what? From now on, whenever you want to be with me, you can.
So can you forgive me? Doesn't sound good.
Okay, well, whatever you decide, I'm sorry! I did not like the look on that monkey's face.
Sorry I have to pick up Joe like this, but, um, we're, uh, going to the zoo early tomorrow.
Oh, really? Even though that baboon got away? What? I said you should probably go see the baboon display.
Oh.
Oh, sorry, I'm exhausted.
I thought you said Um, hey, if they're watching a movie, why are we in the backyard? Oh, because they're up there.
Oh, that's really cool and high.
What's it, like 30, 40 feet? Uh, nine.
I'll just go up there and get the little guy.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
My luck, there'll be a clown up there holding an icicle.
Ahh! Zombie! Escape hatch! Escape hatch! Ow! Joe! A little help.
Ow! Okay, thank you.
Whoo! Whoa.
Thanks for coming to get me.
No problem.
I didn't mind climbing up here or have any problem doing it.
What happened? Well, even though I knew it was all fake, I still got scared.
Joe, in case you didn't notice, so did all your friends.
Now, you're the only one who didn't run out of here screaming.
- Uh, I tried, but my pants were caught on a nail.
You see, but they don't know that.
Joe, there's two very important things I learned as an actor One, you gotta keep your hair, and two, it's all about creating an illusion.
You see, as far as your friends are concerned, you're the one who didn't run out.
You stayed.
You're the brave one.
You're right.
Maybe I should stay and hang with my friends for a while.
Maybe.
Cool.
Watch out for the clown.
What? Where? I said, "you coming down?" Oh.
Um, I'm good.
I'm just gonna it's pretty out.
I'm gonna look at the view.
I'm so scared.
Okay.
Let's try this again.
I'm gonna rock your world.
Not exactly the reaction I was looking for.