Selfie (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Old habits die hard.
Don't tweet it.
Eat it.
It is not an "outfit of the day.
" It is just an outfit.
My followers want to know what I'm wearing.
Perhaps they can redirect their attention to something more important, like fracking or Ronan Farrow.
I'm pretty sure my followers hate both of those things.
Henry was trying to help me become a better person.
And even though I appreciated his help "For your prompt and professional service, "I offer my sincere thanks.
Kind regards.
Eliza Dooley.
" I also kind of wanted him die.
By the time the weekend rolled around, I just wanted to order a latte and not say "thanks.
" Thanks.
Any big plans this weekend? Yeah, I'm gonna try to bump into some celebrities, maybe hit a gifting suite, kick it with karrueche, yacht-hop, pitbull, binge-drink till I'm white-girl wasted.
Pop by this pop-up party, get my grind on, swing by in-n-out, kiss a hamburger - full makeup, no filter, David Guetta.
- W-what? W-why? Why would you do any of those things? My friend Brit is only 17 followhores away from catching up to me.
"Followhores.
" So I need to cop a like spike, score a regram, and basically, you know, remind Brit that she's a worthless skank.
I can say that.
She's my best friend.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Oh, morning.
Not to diminish the importance of smiting your friends, but could I also convince you to try something more meaningful, something more constructive, like, dare I say, to help others? Help Others? - B-but it's the weekend.
- And? Weekends are supposed to be productive.
Haven't you ever heard the song "working for the weekend"? - No.
- No? It's an extremely catchy pop anthem about people who opt to spend the weekend working.
Everybody's working for the weekend Everybody needs a second chance everybody's working for the weekend That song's not about working for the weekend.
Beg your pardon? I love that song, but it's not about working for the weekend.
It's about working for the weekend.
That's what I said.
No, it's about working in anticipation of the weekend.
Oh, I see.
So the sole purpose of working is to enjoy the weekend.
- That's exactly right.
- Yes! Thank you! Well, that was certainly not my interpretation.
As you can imagine, I will now be removing that jam from my playlist.
Okay, how about this? I promise to work for the weekend if you promise not to.
And just to clarify, 'cause there has been some confusion I will accept Henry's assignment and do something to help others if, in return, he will spend his weekend doing anything but working.
He needs to let loose and have some fun.
Oh, I intend to.
We're talking weekends, right? Mine's gonna be huge.
Got my high-school reunion tomorrow night! And the one that got away will be in attendance Mitchell Mcmoney.
Now, I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that the only reason why I am still single is because I'm destined to be Mrs.
Mcmoney.
The year was 1994.
- Yeah, I got a meeting that starts - Shh! Just as we were about to exit the friend zone and get our grind on, someone paged me.
The 411 was a 911, meaning I had to outie 5000.
The next thing you know, he was on tour making oversized blazers for Jodeci, - and I was at Yale.
- You went to Yale? This weekend, I'm finally gonna get my chance to rekindle things.
- Charmonique? - Hmm? I always look good.
I could come over tomorrow night and help you get ready, if you think that would be selfless and thoughtful of me.
You know what? That would be selfless and thoughtful of you.
- Thanks! - Yeah! Your turn.
Hey, Henry.
Friday night, huh? That's correct.
About to get turnt! Myself, as well.
Really? What have you got planned? Well, I was planning on going home to not think about work for a little while.
And I thought I'd make and enjoy a big salad.
Might throw in some chicken I grilled two nights ago.
Henry.
Maybe a handful of tortilla strips for added crunch.
- Added crunch.
- You heard.
Henry, that's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.
Well, you must be blissfully unaware of the sound a mother whale makes when mourning the loss of her pup.
She basically barks across the whole ocean.
Well, I hope Saperstein doesn't bark across the ocean when we kill the children's vitamin line on Monday.
- What? - Has that been confirmed? Oh, it's confirmed.
It's going bye-bye.
Oh, come on, Henry.
That chewable hasn't been profitable for years now.
We're actually losing money producing it.
That chewable put our company on the map! The year was several years ago.
The assignment was to make kids excited about minerals.
Until then, our kids chewable had been a blue oval that tasted like dirt.
But I supposed children would prefer a vibrant orange elephant that tasted like tangerine.
And, damn it, they did! Our chewable flew off the shelves, and kinderkare pharmaceuticals won the prestigious Brandmar award.
That little orange elephant is a rock star, and my first big rebrand.
It's a relic, and it can't keep up with its younger, hipper, gummier counterparts.
Look, I know it sucks, but sometimes you got to cut down the old trees to let the new ones grow.
Am I right, father time? Who's father time? I'm father time? I'm not the one planning my weekend around a bowl of roughage.
- I said with grilled chicken! - Oh, wow.
Sir.
Grilled chicken could be fun.
I thought so.
Our chewable's history, isn't it? I don't know don't flimflam me, son.
Give it to me straight.
Sir, I'm gonna think of something.
- I'm gonna work through the weekend - There's no point.
It's already gone.
Its chalky soul left the building hours ago.
I can feel it.
And if I know that fruity rascal like I think I do, it would want us to carry on.
Have a great weekend.
So Carry on and have a Great weekend.
The next night, I showed up at Charmonique's place.
I would do my good deed, then get the hell out of dodge.
No, thank you.
Move.
Mom! Now, he remembers me with the Mary J.
Blige, but a part of me wants to flip the script and hit him with some Erykah bad - Mm-hmm.
I understand that instinct.
- Okay.
But when you completely reinvent your look, you run the risk of people not knowing who the hell you are I.
E.
Renèe Zellweger, who still looks good But doesn't look a damn thing like miss Renèe Zellweger.
Mm-hmm.
I see what you mean.
Mm.
Exactly.
Whoo! Okay.
So, let's try the t-boz.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, I love it.
no, I don't want no scrubs A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me hanging on the passenger side of his best friend's ride - Try - Oh, no.
Oh, hell, no.
Please, no, no.
This can't be happening.
- What's wrong? - She's sick.
- My sitter's sick! - She's sick?! Yeah, she says she had bad Mexican food at the mall and she can't stop vomiting.
Did you tell her she can vomit here? Oh.
"You Can Vomit Here.
" What did she say? She says she isn't coming.
My psychic said an unknown force would keep me from true love.
But I didn't think it was gonna be a $5 burrito from the food court.
I'm really sorry.
And no one's gonna be able to come on such short notice.
Mm.
Probably not, no.
So that's it.
I'm gonna miss my reunion and my chance to find true love.
It sure sounds that way.
Yeah.
I can't think of one single solution in this whole, entire universe that would allow me to go to my event tonight.
Can you? No.
Now, he only eats nuggets, so just nuggets for dinner, maybe one or two nuggets before bed, and, if I'm not home by morning, a bowl of nuggets with some O.
J.
Um, okay, here is my number if you need to reach me.
Oh, I would like to request that you keep the door to my wig colosseum closed because, if I did not make it clear, this whole situation is on climate control and has an estimated value of 60 grand.
$60,000? Okay, Kevin, I'm leaving.
Get it.
I will, baby.
Mwah! I'm gonna call you soon, okay? Oh, and, Eliza, thank you for this.
Ah, ah! I owe you one.
Get it! I'm not gonna let you die.
I can't.
- Hello? - Thanks a lot, Henry.
That one nice thing you made me do turned into another nice thing.
- That's wonderful.
- No, it's not wonderful! Now I'm actually working for the weekend, which you'd better not be, because that was our deal.
What do you think I'm over here hanging out with a bottle of vitamins? No.
I promise you I am full of salad, and I'm about to get Turnt.
Well, that makes one of us.
Want to dress up like Power Rangers? No.
What's wrong? You don't like kids? - They're okay.
- Then what? You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
It's just my friend Brit and I have this highly competitive relationship.
She a Virgo? Continue.
We're constantly battling over who's more famous, and, duh, it's always me.
But last weekend, brit almost broke instagram when she got iced-out grills, made out with Courtney love, and stepped up her corn nut game by posting those picante limons.
Hold up.
When did corn nuts drop picante limons? I was gonna go so hard tonight to defend my crown, but now I'm stuck here with you.
Are you? I'm pretty sure I am, yeah.
The Internet is all about illusions, girl.
You know that.
I do know that.
Charmonique, you look amazing! Thanks, Jeanette.
You, too.
Did you hear about Joe Miner? His wife left him, and he got hair plugs.
Okay.
That's nice.
Listen.
Hey.
Hey.
Bring it down.
Now, I don't mean no disrespect, but I did not come here to talk smack with you thirsty ratchets.
I came here for one reason and one reason only.
- Charmonique? - Mitchell.
- Hi, Mitchell.
- Hi, Mitchell.
Jeanette, Chantaal, please break the hell out.
I was afraid I'd never see you again.
I would never let that happen.
You have to know that I've waited a long time for this opportunity, Charmonique.
Me, too.
When I heard that you were a mother, well, there were no words to describe the way I felt.
But when I found out you weren't married - or even with the father - Shh.
Mitchell, no, no.
Wait.
Let's not do this here.
Let's get rid of our coats and find a quiet place to talk.
Wonderful.
That's a great idea.
Looks like you, sir boysenberry, shall reign until the first of the month.
Whereas your days, lord Key Lime of Custard, are numbered.
You, there! You sneaky Greek bastard.
Expired.
You'll hang for your crime! I have to get out of the house.
Po shut us down? Eliza, you cannot have a child at this isn't a wild party.
Nope! But it 'grammed like one, right? It really did.
You two really appeared to be having a blast.
Oh, we were Until you got here.
Okay, deejay pre-k.
But it's almost midnight, and I'm guessing it's way past your bedtime.
This one goes out to my man.
Oh, I get it.
You think 'cause I'm Korean I automatically like k-pop.
I certainly don't mean to lecture you.
But when you engage in immoral sex, it's not just an oops upside your head.
It's also an oops upside the head of our lord and creator, Christ almighty.
Oh, Mitchell, come on.
You were on tour with Jodeci.
Which is why I had to repent specifically for providing the leatherwear in their "Freek'n You" video.
When I think about all the fornication I fostered I can't believe I flat-ironed my MJB for this.
Excuse me, Mitchell.
I have to check in on my son.
Uh, while you're at it, could you also check in on the son of God? He's been waiting to hear from you.
I've never put a child to bed before.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Good night, Kevin.
And to you.
I'm going to turn the light off now.
I understand.
You do what you got to do.
Mm-hmm.
- What was that? - I'm not sure.
Oh, my God, it sounded like Eddie Murphy.
Is that him? I-is he choking? I want my mom! He wants his mom! What are we gonna do?! His mom's not here! E-e-Eliza! We got to remain calm and be of comfort to Kevin.
The lights went out, and he's like a totally different person.
Bedtime can be really stressful for kids.
Let's try and soothe him, shall we? Yeah.
Kevin, is there something soothing that your mother does for you at bedtime? She fills my humidifier - Humidif - Puts on my air purifier, turns off my closet light - You get the closet! - Okay.
Turns on my bathroom light, - finds my stuffed lion - Here! Okay, I got it! I got it! - Gives him to me - Rawr! Takes away one pillow, adds one extra blanket - Get the blanket! - I got the blanket! Sprays three pumps of lavender mist Lavender! Yeah.
Cracks the window and closes the door.
You get the door.
All right.
Then she sings "Ease on Down the Road" from "The Wiz.
" I never saw "The Wiz"! There, there.
Don't Make that noise.
As I watched Henry pat Kevin's afro, I realized I wasn't going clubbing tonight.
Come on, Kevin.
No super-cool deejays cry for their mommies! Hello.
Eliza, is everything okay? - Everything's great.
- Uh-oh, I hear Eddie Murphy.
Kevin is just a little anxious.
Maybe about going to bed.
Well, did you give him his bedtime nuggets? - His what? - His bedtime nuggets.
I told you he needs two or three of those before he can go to sleep.
His bedtime nuggets, of course.
I completely forgot.
Hey, Kevin, would you like some bedtime nuggets? - You know what? - I would.
Oh! Oh! Thanks, Charmonique.
Somehow, you called at the exact right time and knew exactly what to do.
You're the best mom ever.
You know what? I am.
Hmm.
- Everything good? - Everything's great.
You know, I don't know if you were trying to make me feel bad about my life choices.
But I'm sorry, Father Mcmoney I don't.
And I'm glad that you found higher love.
But I have self-love, and that's real love.
So now if you'll excuse me, they're playing my jam.
Sometimes, when the grind window closes, the door to enlightenment opens.
Eliza? Yes, Kevin? Did we get a like spike? We sure did, buddy.
We sure did.
You did? Absolutely not.
I actually lost followers by posting those pics of Kevin.
Brit crushed me.
What up, doolio? It's your girl fit Brit.
Check your stats, hon, 'cause I just smoked your ass.
Well, I'm really proud of you.
You did a really good job tonight.
Brit may have killed the instagame, but I had earned Henry's respect and kept a small child alive.
Damn.
Is there anything in the world kids love more than chicken nuggets? Maybe not.
Hey.
Maybe not.
Vita-nuggets chicken nuggets with vitamin-infused breading.
It's their dinner and their daily allowance, all in one! Look how excited you are.
With vita-nuggets, we move from the pharmacy to the frozen-foods aisle.
What happens if they want seconds? Which got us thinking.
With vitamins disguising themselves as gum balls and sour worms and Teddy bears and even, in theory, chicken nuggets, how many calls must poison control receive annually from parents whose children have unintentionally overdosed? The answer is An ass-load.
Eliza, the data, please.
"Eliza, the data, please.
" Um an estimated 50,000 calls a year so two ass-loads.
Wow.
Two ass-loads.
Sir, there are people in this room who will tell you that our vitamin needs to be cooler, hipper, gummier, that it needs to pretend to be something it is not.
Like Jessica Simpson when she dated John Mayer.
Who did she think she was kidding? I know, right? But I maintain, for this vitamin to be a success, all it needs to do is keep being a vitamin with a pleasant but not delicious orangey taste.
Mm.
No one's eating a bottle of these bad boys.
That's what makes them safe.
That's what we tell parents because what parent doesn't want their child to be safe? So we take down our competitors by exposing a strength which is actually a weakness? Yes.
It's nothing short of brilliant! Oh! How about that?! Our elephant shall ride again! Come here, you.
Oh, o-okay.
I could dip you.
Oh! Actually, sir, it was Eliza's revelation.
Eliza.
Aah! That's magnificent work.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
You two really are quite the power couple.
Oh, no, sir.
We're just Perfect together.
You really are.
I mean, can you imagine how exquisite the offspring? Oh, I imagine they'd be quite ugly, sir.
Red-headed Koreans it's not a good look.
Typically.
Okay, so, what is "everyone Wang Chung tonight" about? That I don't know, but I can tell you that "Sussudio" is the name of Phil Collins' horse and that "Yah Mo B There" is actually an allegory.
Okay.
What is "Private Dancer" about? I think that one's pretty self-explanatory.
Oh, Henry, can I talk to you for a sec? - What's up? - Well Well, you know how I did exactly what you instructed me to do, and I spent the whole weekend helping others, including you? - Yes.
- And you know how you were supposed to have fun and not work, but you did the opposite, so you lose and I win? Okay.
I was thinking that maybe I should get some kind of reward.
Reward? What did you have in mind? $60,000.
I accidentally left Charmonique's wig closet open.
I have bad news for you, Eliza.
I actually had fun this weekend.
- You did not! - I had a freaking blast.
No! No! You're a liar! Fine, then just $30,000, made out to Charmonique! Henry!