Sex, Love & Goop (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Good morning, guys.
We are on our way up to Beverly Hills.
Looking forward to learning
some more about the anatomy.
We haven't had anatomy class
since what, middle school?
Right.
I feel I'm pretty good on anatomy,
uh, being an artist and everything.
But
On mark.
Thank you.
Hi.
Tell me
about your sex education.
When it comes to your body,
do you feel it's lacking?
Yeah. Anatomy-wise I wonder, like
Damon's always like,
"Your clit is really small."
I'm like,
"Maybe something's wrong with it?"
Like, maybe it's not big enough.
Maybe it needs to come out more.
I don't know.
We don't do foreplay very often.
I don't know how to have orgasms
except for, like, with a vibrator.
His parents are, like, wondering
why he doesn't have any babies and, like,
what is he waiting for and, like,
why am I not giving them, basically?
Like, am I gonna have an orgasm
before I have a baby?
Right? Who doesn't want to orgasm?
I mean, that would be awesome,
and then maybe I would be like,
"Great, let's have sex all the time."
Part of my discovery
as a somatic sexologist
has been what is erotically possible.
- So today we're gonna talk about arousal.
- Okay.
Arousal and fertility are linked.
- Learn something new?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- This is a vulva puppet. So
- Oh, wow.
I like this one has 'cause
it has the structure of the clitoris.
There was this story going on
about Erika's clitoris being small.
And when anybody says
anybody's genitals are small,
I often just think it's because
they're not being aroused.
Size isn't necessarily what matters.
Arousal is what matters.
I wanted to educate them on,
"Here's her anatomy,
here's how to work with her anatomy."
What's interesting about anatomy is
a lot of the vulva-bodied anatomy
got taken out of the textbooks.
So, if you look at, like,
early 1800s, it's all in there.
And then we go through
the Victorian era, and it disappears.
They only kept the reproductive organs in,
so we lost a lot of the anatomy.
And then the way things were named
also denotes shame.
Even the nerve that innervates
all the external genitalia
was called the pudendal nerve.
"Pudendal" means shame.
- Oh, wow.
- Mm.
So, studying sex and
studying the anatomy was shameful.
Okay, so, outer labia, and these
can be big or small, all different sizes.
As someone gets more aroused,
these start to pop out more.
The inner labia start to come out
because there's swelling,
and all of this poofs out more.
This is the clitoral hood.
So, similar to someone who's penis-bodied,
this would be the foreskin.
- Mm. Okay.
- Okay?
Now, clitorises are sometimes
innies or outies.
Like, sometimes the clitoris is
more in underneath the hood,
and sometimes it's more out and exposed.
And then we have arousal, right?
Which is gonna change it,
make a little bit more exposure, right?
The clitoris is gonna grow.
- Right.
- It's very similar to someone's penis.
Okay?
Then there's the shaft of the clitoris,
which is this whole piece here.
And this is all erectile tissue
that engorges with blood.
All this is also the clitoris.
So, we have the clitoral legs,
which are in here.
They wrap around This is the vaginal
canal here, the clitoral legs, here.
- Okay.
- And then the vestibular bulbs or the
Some people call them
the clitoral bulbs as well.
So there's all this internal
structure to the clitoris,
which wraps around the vaginal canal.
- I wanna show you the whole clitoris.
- Okay.
Okay.
- That's the whole clitoris.
- What?
- Wow.
- It's a lot of tissue.
- It's intimidating.
- We just give this part attention.
Mm-hmm.
But you've got
all this tissue here to play with.
Wow.
- All right.
- Aren't we amazing?
I know.
That's what I'm thinking right now.
I'm like, "Jeez, women just get
more awesome every time."
So awesome.
So, these are some of the landmarks today
that we're going to find on your body.
How do you feel now about
me taking a look at your anatomy
and helping him do some landmarks?
Yeah, sounds great.
- Thank you.
- Great. All right.
I think particularly as women,
the connection to our bodies opens up
this beautiful pathway
for self-realization.
And that's super important
in relationship and sex.
Right.
There's so much taboo
about touching your own body
and exploring your own genitals,
particularly in a woman's anatomy.
So, I think there'll be a lot of learning.
If we come out learning
something new, we're good.
How about you two?
I am a little nervous.
Seeing that it will be on Netflix,
it will be a very interesting experience
after it premieres.
I don't know the kind of
negative backlash we will get from it,
but I'm very, very excited about
the positive influence this will have.
Yeah.
I feel nervous a little bit because
growing up in
a Jehovah's Witness household,
my mom would always make comments.
One time, she was watching a show
where there was, like,
a lesbian relationship,
and she would make comments
like, "Oh, that's disgusting."
And that would be ingrained in my brain.
So, I grew up knowing that
this was, like, a wrong relationship
and that I shouldn't explore
feelings like that ever.
- Oh.
- I know.
- Mm.
- Aw.
Uh, so, it's
Yeah, it's painful 'cause I mean
She's my mom and one of
the most important people in my life, but
Uh
Like, she has made it very clear
that she will not be at our wedding, so
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Whoo. And
Okay. Breathe. All right.
So, I'm looking to gain more confidence
to be more open
without worrying about
what my family thinks
or what my mother has in store for us.
I've known I was gay
since the beginning of time.
Like, I definitely knew,
and it was funny 'cause
I'd tell my mom I had crushes on girls,
and she'd be like, "Hmm. Ha. No."
"No, you don't."
- So, I tried to push those feelings
- Yeah.
to the back, as far as they can go.
And, I mean, the older you get,
the harder it is to suppress that.
I'm very excited to get out
of my comfort zone and talk about it
a lot more and a lot more openly.
I'm just very reserved
when it comes to sex.
Something that
I do struggle with is penetration.
It is painful sometimes for me.
I don't automatically get
that pleasure like most women do.
I think that's a big thing that's
kind of been a strain with each other,
and so that's a big thing that
I want to work on with myself, but yeah.
Yeah.
Much in the same way
that you had an experience
of being with the entirety of your body,
we're gonna now hone in
on a very special part,
your vulva.
I'm gonna offer you each a mirror.
I want to invite you to spread your outer
labia open a little and see what's inside.
Yeah. And just looking
with the recognition of, like,
"Wow, this is a part of me
that makes magic."
And just take some breath.
This is your experience.
So many people are struggling
around their sexuality,
their embodiment, their intimate life.
It's because it has not
been widely modeled
in the dominant
cultural paradigm we're inside of.
Working as
a somatic sex and intimacy coach,
we offer a space with
a lot of permission to be sexual
and not have that be
a shameful, dirty, strange thing,
and it is a pathway
for healing for people.
In Sanskrit there is the word "yoni"
that is used to speak about
the entirety of the female genitalia.
We don't have
an equivalent word in English,
and it's because that concept as a whole
doesn't even really exist anymore.
Once upon a time that was treated with
a lot of reverence that we miss out on.
But it doesn't mean
we can't make up for it.
And so this is a sacred space
of meeting your yoni.
In America in particular,
generations past, women were in touch
with the rhythms of their body,
had a connection
to the flow of the erotic.
Colonizers came over and brought their
religious conditioning to the people,
and to continue their primacy,
they had to take away
whatever power they perceived
as coming from the feminine.
Anytime you've got a broad dogma
being overlaid, it says, like,
"This is more important than you."
And that is something felt in our bodies.
What is coming up for you
as you look at yourself?
As you see your vulva?
I didn't realize what color she was.
Tell me about her gorgeous color palette.
Like, her colors go from light brown
and then kind of more into pink.
How's it for you, Shandra?
I've never been
this up close and personal.
What does she need to hear?
Relax.
Yeah.
- So, I'm gonna So, intention, beautiful.
- Yeah.
Impact
We're gonna separate those two things.
Like, your intention is, like,
"I want to be more relaxed."
But the impact of saying, "Relax!"
- Think about that.
- Yeah.
Right? I just tend to tense up.
I don't know.
She's been through it.
I don't know, it's a lot.
I'm ready to learn, though.
I'd like to offer the suggestion of, like,
"I'm committed to learning what you need
in order to feel safe enough to relax."
And that might be the dialogue.
You wanna try that one out? Your version.
I'm committed to learn more about you
in order to relax
and be more intuitive with myself.
And not be so, like, expecting the worst,
or expecting pain all of a sudden.
We're gonna go further into this
when we get to do our table work together.
A big piece of the framework
that I offer to people
is sexological bodywork.
Given that penetration has been
problematic for Shandra,
there can be a cathartic or breakthrough
type of moment in a session space.
It's about sex,
but it's about so much more.
- Oh, man. I'm just kidding. Yeah.
- Maybe you're not kidding.
Maybe part of you
is really like, "Oh, shit."
Oh, man. Yeah.
What is sexological bodywork?
It's a term that's specifically used
when you do work
that actually involves the body
as the body responds
to sexual touch and also the genitals.
It's not legal everywhere
because it is hands-on.
Hands-on?
Like a therapist, hands on genital
Yes.
It's legal in California?
It is legal in California
and very much used
in Europe also, therapeutically.
- Right.
- For things like a birth trauma,
or when there was a surgery,
or physical violation
where there's a lot of pain.
So a lot of those physical symptoms
can come from emotional, sexual trauma?
Yes. It's not always emotional.
Sometimes there's some
physical, underlying things,
tight ligaments, lack of magnesium,
there's all kinds of stuff.
So, one aspect focuses on giving the body
the support and the learning
so the body can open up
without fear and shame and tension,
and the other part focuses
on learning how to have pleasure.
- Lay on your back.
- Okay.
Okay. And then
you're gonna get on the table.
Okay, now, Erika,
put your legs over top of his legs.
Yeah. And then just rest your legs.
Rest your legs anywhere that feels good.
Okay, so now you're gonna put
one hand on her heart,
and the other hand
on the top of her pubic bone,
and then eventually you'll land
and just kind of ground her.
What do you notice in your body?
It's really difficult
not to get in my head.
When Erika first got on the table,
I could feel her body tension,
and of course you're gonna be nervous.
There's cameras, she's just getting
to know me. So I want to check in,
because as a sexological body worker,
I'm looking at that whole picture
of the body, mind, spirit all together.
What's happening in your head,
so we can presence it?
I know this is the awful time
to relate it to that,
but it's like
when you're having a pap smear.
- And you stop breathing.
- 'Cause you're bracing.
- Yeah. That's exactly what I'm feeling.
- So your body has learned to brace.
Mm-hmm.
From pap smears,
from hard, from too fast, too hard.
I never thought of that as bracing,
but yeah.
Yeah.
Then tell me what body sensation you have.
My thighs are kind of hurting.
My feet are tense.
You know how your feet go in the stirrups?
- Feet tense, thighs clamping?
- Exactly what this feels like.
Yeah.
Okay, now I want you to feel yourself
right here, right now,
in this time, in this room.
Like, you're here. You're here now.
I just released
a lot of tension in my legs.
Yeah. When you felt yourself
here and now. Yeah.
So you can let go now.
Your body's not there anymore.
Your body's not in the past anymore.
Mm.
- Good.
- Yeah.
What's coming up for you?
I just realized
I've been bracing for a long time.
Yeah.
That's a lot to think about. Wow.
- Can I put my hand on you?
- Yeah, of course.
Okay, yeah.
Your body's been in a little bit
of a freeze response for a while.
Mmm.
This show
makes me cry all the time.
It's beautiful.
Hi, baby.
Hi.
To see her have
that breakthrough, it was beautiful.
I felt her,
and learned more about her body.
So, that was incredible.
The emotional release
leads to the next level of arousal.
Okay.
A big part of what compounds our pain
is that we're afraid of it
and we take it very seriously,
and our body protects us
in that way very naturally.
It's like, "Okay, ah, um, armor."
"I know this isn't gonna be good,
I'm gonna brace myself for it."
The premise of what we're gonna explore
is both an energetic and a physical style.
And we're gonna meet those places
where the armor tends to lock in
with more compassion.
Shandra grew up in
a very conservative, religious environment
where sexuality unto itself
was not included,
and lesbianism certainly was not condoned.
That shows up in a lot of people's bodies.
This kind of generalized pain
is not necessarily because there's
a physical brokenness, problem or injury.
Oftentimes, it's a physical response
to the emotional
and psychological imprinting.
It's the shame.
The shame freezes our bodies,
it locks our bodies,
it is a protective measure,
and that is a prime example
of how our trauma imprints can live.
- And look, you're already having feelings.
- Huh?
- Tell me, what are you feeling?
- Oh, God.
I'm a little nervous 'cause
I've obviously never done this before.
Yeah.
It's been a problem for a while, so
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're gonna know
what I'm doing every step of the way
'cause I'm gonna tell you
before I do anything,
and I'm gonna check in and see
if you're really on board for it or not.
Because if you're not,
what's gonna happen?
- I'm going to tense up.
- No.
- No? Sorry.
- We're not gonna do it.
- We're not gonna do it.
- That's the one rule.
That's the one rule. Is that
if you don't want it, it doesn't happen.
Got it.
And if we move toward penetrative touch,
every step of the way
I'm gonna be in conversation with you,
and it's gonna be
very gentle and very slow.
- And none of it has to happen.
- Got it.
Sexological bodywork
is a modality that actually arose
as a response to the AIDS and HIV crisis
in the gay male communities
to provide a service
that sits at the intersection of eroticism
and trauma healing modalities.
But now, it's all genders.
I'm gonna start on your pubic mound.
- Got it.
- Okay.
Feel the presence of my hand.
It's so warm.
So warm.
What are the associations of warm?
I would say comfort.
I guess, safety.
Mmm.
So, just let that in.
And you have full permission
to receive it.
A big part of being
a sexological bodyworker
is that I provide genital contact.
So, the next progression then would be
for your thighs to spread open a little.
My fingers are gonna drop down
over your vulva, if you're okay with that.
Yeah.
I'm wearing gloves at all times.
The touch is one-directional,
it is fully consensual,
and it's empowered consent that
the client would be educated in beforehand
so that they are empowered
to advocate for themselves.
And I am vigilantly, like, making sure
that they're doing exactly that.
How's your yoni?
She's good so far.
Yeah?
Is there a desire
to explore a little further?
You tell me.
We can explore a little further.
Okay.
I'm okay.
- That's brave.
- Yeah.
I mean, that's really brave.
Would you do that?
- Yeah, I think I might do that.
- Yeah.
I think I might.
- I have a
- It would be really hard for me.
It's one thing to be
emotionally vulnerable on camera,
but to be sexually vulnerable
like that as well,
it's kind of herculean. It's very cool.
Okay, so now
we're gonna start with the outer labia
and just go up like that.
Oh.
Yes, and you don't even
have to do much. See how she's moving?
You could just barely touch
and let her move
so that she's now rocking on your fingers.
Okay. I'm gonna have you take 2 fingers.
You're gonna put them
on the external labia.
What we're gonna do is
we're gonna expose the clitoris.
- Oh.
- Okay. So, see how she wings?
Your inner labia wing at your introitus,
like little butterfly wings.
So you have
these beautiful butterfly wings
right at the opening
of your vaginal canal.
Mm.
It's gorgeous. It looks so inviting.
And then do you feel
as you're stroking up,
where the head of her clitoris is?
It'll feel like a little nut
Like, a hard little ball.
- Yes.
- I felt that.
There. Yeah.
Just press on it and hold in stillness.
Can you feel it
kind of moving or vibrating or
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Your clitoris is very alive.
- She was tucked in underneath the sheath.
- Okay.
- You have a lot of clitoral hood.
- Okay.
Remember how I said some people
are outies and some are innies?
You have a lot of clitoral hood.
- Okay.
- So it's just covering your clitoris.
I feel like this was
really life-altering, like,
now knowing that I have more,
like, hood over my clitoris,
and that it's normal,
I feel a sense of empowerment.
You're gonna take
your thumb and your forefinger,
and you're gonna grab
the shaft of her clitoris
between the thumb and forefinger.
Beautiful, Damon.
And then you move.
So, you're just gonna hold the shaft,
and she's gonna move,
which is gonna rock
the head and the shaft of the clitoris.
So she gets to kind of control her motion.
I find this, like, really nice,
like, it's so soft.
It's opposite of what we're used to doing.
It's a lot harder,
and I think when I start liking it,
he starts pressing harder.
Uh-huh.
The more aroused you get, the harder
- Because that's how it's taught.
- I actually like it softer.
It's like, "Oh, she's getting
more aroused. Rub faster and go harder."
And with you,
because you're energetic, it's spacious.
- It's like, give it breath.
- Mm-hmm.
Just even in
that little bit of time, like,
it made such a difference
in the way Damon was handling
those parts of my body.
Know how you said you didn't know
what to do when on top?
This.
- He's inside of you, and you move.
- Oh, I see.
And then you find where your clitoris
makes contact with his pubic bone,
and then you ride right on his pubic bone.
Wow.
Nice.
Oh, that was hot.
I think Damon was also very
surprised at how much he enjoyed this,
and I'm sure he's still
sitting there thinking,
"Oh, my God.
Here I am thinking she's always so, like,
uptight."
I'm not that uptight.
- I love you, honey.
- I love you too.
- Do you want to get dressed?
- Okay.
We'll move to our next adventure.
Sounds good.
So, moving on,
I'm going to stroke your labia.
Okay.
I'm gonna come up
with the underside of my fingers.
Yeah.
How's that touch?
- It's good.
- Yeah?
How would you feel about me placing
my finger at the entrance of your vagina?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
It's It's fine.
I'm starting to feel a little bit of pain.
So, I'm gonna lighten my touch.
- That actually helped.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I think I'm ready to go in further.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So, I'm gonna do that really slowly,
and you're gonna breathe while I do it.
- Okay.
- Okay? Let's breathe together.
And how's that?
Fine.
You're receiving
penetrative touch right now,
and you're staying present for it.
That's a beautiful thing.
Let's get the breath down deeper.
Down here.
Are you able to sense
my finger inside of you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
What
what do you notice in that sensing?
I'm just really relaxed,
which doesn't happen that often.
Mm.
And I don't feel any pain, which is crazy.
It's happening.
Aw, yeah, there's your love,
and here's your body
feeling safe enough to receive.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm.
Anybody that knows Shandra just, like,
knows she just isn't as open as I am.
Even saying the word "sex" at one point
in her life was extremely not accepted.
So I was very proud of her
to be willing to jump into that.
And now, up here,
this is your urethral sponge,
which is commonly
referred to as the G-spot.
Yeah.
Tell me what you feel.
I don't know how to explain it.
It's just It's amazing.
Okay, yeah, amazing.
- Yeah.
- I love it.
I felt great.
I don't It's hard to explain.
I was just focusing on myself and just
enjoying where I'm at in that moment,
and it worked.
It's crazy.
I'm taking notes.
So was I.
I have a partner that supports that
and supports, like, communication,
and that's what today kind of taught me.
- Go, team.
- Go, team.
It is a lot to kind of
expose yourself on camera,
but it was amazing.
You're paving the way
for many, many women out there.
Yeah. That's kind of
what we keep telling ourselves.
I've sat with many, many parents
who were where your mother was.
I can tell you
that there's no shortage of love.
When you are indoctrinated
in a certain way, you believe so strongly
that you have to protect
your children against that.
I can tell you, though,
often later in life, it gets resolved.
- Yeah.
- By you being happy.
- Don't do it, 'cause I'll do it.
- Sorry.
And if it doesn't,
then at least you're happy.
It's okay. Yeah.
- Exactly.
- At least we're happy.
Yes.
- Okay.
- I think you should relax your body.
Oh, it's so warm.
Yeah.
You're next.
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
Am I nervous? Yes.
Am I scared? More so.
But I can't help but think
that this is a bravery thing. So
Um, that's just what we've been telling
each other throughout this whole thing.