Sherri (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

la, la, la, la la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Mommy, why is the sky blue? Hmm.
Hang on.
Let me put on my thinking hair.
Mm.
The sky is blue Because god liked the color of the ocean, And he wanted the sky to match.
My teacher says It's because molecules in the air scatter blue light.
Well, your teacher needs To stop talking out the side of his neck.
Oh, that's your dad.
Honey, get the toys you want for the weekend.
Hey, baby.
[ Clears throat .]
Sherri.
Uh, mrs.
Robinson.
Thank you.
Bo went to get some toys for the weekend.
You know, i don't think i'm ever gonna get used to Ringing the buzzer at my own house.
Yeah, well, i'm never gonna get used to the fact That you knocked up a 23-Year-Old sandwich girl And took what was once a nice life and blew it all to hell.
You know, the buzzer thing's not so bad.
I'll grab his bag.
[ Sniffs .]
oh, you made cornbread.
I assume that was to torture me.
No.
We ate it, too.
And it was good, the way you like it, With the butter dripping down, But i handled it.
Was it hot? It was very hot, but you can't have it.
So, what are you guys doing this weekend? I don't know something fun.
Bo likes dinosaurs.
Okay, dinosaurs.
Whoa, what's in this bo? I just wanted to make sure he had everything.
You know, sometimes he wants to wear his superman pajamas.
Sometimes he wants to wear his batman pajamas.
His coloring books, his crayons, And his favorite brick.
Well, i just didn't want him to get homesick.
Look, don't worry, i'm gonna take care of him, okay? I promise.
So, this is it His first official custody weekend.
Not to worry.
I am a smart, capable man.
Oh, you're smart, huh? Hey, sherri.
Look, i made one very big mistake.
I will regret it for the rest of my life, But that does not mean Why is the sky blue? Because air molecules scatter blue light.
Get out.
What?! Summer: it's after 5:00 p.
M.
Why are you doing still here? If i remember correctly, you have friends and loved ones.
Huh.
Not this weekend.
So, we were on the elevator In the middle of a discussion with you, And you weren't there.
[ Sighs .]
I don't have anywhere to be, so i thought If i scanned all these files, It would make it easier for everybody on monday.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, you're serious.
This is your first full weekend without bo, isn't it? Yes, and i don't know what to do with myself.
Really? You're down a loved one? Are you keeping score? No! [ Chuckles .]
I know it's hard not having bo, But you can still have a great weekend.
You're on your own.
You know what that means.
Vodka and fudge.
[ Sighs .]
Oh, my favorite picnic.
Hmm.
No, no, no.
No, no.
You're not gonna sit here alone in pity park.
You're gonna come out with me tonight To a great bar with great people.
I'm not really the bar type.
And, tomorrow morning, we're gonna do Something spiritual and physical and healthy.
I'm more the bar type.
Well, i've got saturday afternoon covered.
Lunch at sherri's house My cat's on an i.
V.
Drip and can't be jostled.
You guys, i know you're trying to help, But i really don't think i'm gonna be able to Enjoy myself this weekend.
Yes, you can.
You're not down a loved one.
You have us.
You have your sisters.
Hey, come here.
[ Laughter .]
And an aunt who really cares.
Is that My breast? Yes, it is, aunt summer.
Sorry.
I am really glad you talked me into this.
You know what i'd be doing usually at this time of night? Scraping bo's leftover mac and cheese Off the bottom of the pan, eating it, And saying, "well, it's calcium.
" [ Chuckles .]
another adorable bo story.
And, per our agreement, that was the last one, okay? Let's order some drinks.
Fine.
What says fun, low-Maintenance single woman? Prune juice.
Fine.
You're in charge.
Two martinis, please.
And we don't want those teeny tiny 'tinis.
We want big old 'tinis.
[ Laughs .]
it's all coming back.
You see? It's like riding a bikedrunk.
Now, listen, i'm very proud of you That you stopped calling bo to check on him.
That's a big step.
Thank you.
Can i have my phone back now? Yes, you've earned it.
[ Gasps .]
O.
M.
G.
I.
T.
G.
H.
What? Oh, my god, is that guy hot.
Talk to him.
I'm so rusty.
I don't know what to say.
Anything but "i'm so rusty.
" Excuse me.
Is this seat taken? If it is, i got another one in my purse.
Too much? I'm from jersey.
I've taken men down by tripping them.
Hi, i'm william.
I'm sherri.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet me.
Ignore me.
Talk to him.
So, william, what do you do for a living? I'm a thoracic surgeon.
Fascinating.
So, in a typical day, how many thoraces do you see? [ Chuckles .]
i'm nervous.
I know what a thoracic is.
No, i don't.
Don't tell anybody.
I don't, either.
Oh! Oh! I'm so sorry.
That was an accident.
Looks like i owe somebody a drink.
So, are you affiliated with a specific hospital Or woman i mean medical center? On my own in all respects.
How about you? Well, i was [ cellphone rings .]
Excuse me.
Sorry, i have to take this.
Is everything okay? Oh, yeah, we had a great day.
We made a log cabin out of hot dogs.
My son is with my ex this weekend.
Listen, bo can't sleep, and he wants to hear "twinkle, twinkle.
" I don't know the whole thing, and you didn't pack it.
Not that i could ever accuse you of doing anything wrong.
It's just that, for whatever reason Probably a mistake of mine he doesn't have it.
He can't go to sleep Unless i recite "twinkle, twinkle" My son, not my ex.
Okay, put him on.
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, mommy.
So, you made a hot-Dog house, huh? It isn't in bed with you, is it? No, mommy.
Did daddy just take it out? Yes, mommy.
Oh, he was very nice.
So was his husband.
Okay, here we go.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How i wonder where you are, Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.
Are you getting sleepy, honey? Not yet.
Then the traveler in the dark Thanks you for your tiny spark.
He could not see the way to go Until your twinkle told him so.
This is a little longer than i remember.
In the dark blue sky, you keep Often through my curtains peek, For your never shut your eyes, Till the sun comes up in the sky.
Bye, bye.
Oh, william, don't go.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star You're the buzz kill of this bar.
[ Sighs .]
Oh, look at this.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Sighs .]
Hey, kevin, it's me.
I don't know how many women call you, So i just want to clarify it's sherri.
[ Sighs .]
i know, sherri.
What's up, sherri? What are you guys doing? Sleeping.
It's 7:00 in the morning.
[ Buzzer .]
it's open.
Well, tell bo i called.
And remember, saturdays he likes his special waffles Whipped-Cream smiley face, blueberry eyes Banana nose i know.
Sherri, i've made it for him since he was 2.
He's not sleeping on his stomach, is he? He's 6.
Goodbye.
Come on, sherri, first thing in the morning? Oh, i swear it wasn't kevin.
I was calling ihop To find out if they had grand slam smiley faces.
And making sure the waiter wasn't sleeping on his stomach? Yeah, i'm a terrible liar.
I know this is hard.
I never thought i'd be divorced.
I never thought my kid would be splitting his time Between two homes.
And you know what's gonna happen.
No, but you're gonna tell me.
When bo gets with kevin, it's gonna be all fun and games.
Then when he gets with me, homework and broccoli.
Sherri, this is his first weekend away.
And you're making up problems where there aren't any.
Well, it's a great way to fill the time.
I miss bo.
I know, but on the bright side You get to have some me time.
Oh, that's great me time.
What the hell am i supposed to do with that? Well, let me take care of it.
You're going through a huge transition, But i'm here to help, so let's go.
Can't we just stay home And drink coffee and eat big sandwiches? You know, i think that you need To stop and listen to sherri.
I mean, who is sherri? What does sherri want? For you to come back in 15 minutes With a big sandwich and a cup of coffee.
[ Laughter .]
Girl.
Oh, my.
I wish you would have said something.
I'd have worn pants without a button.
Shh.
What the hell is that? It's a tibetan singing bowl.
If he ain't making chili in that, i'm leaving.
Sherri, the tone is very relaxing.
It helps you to get in touch with you.
You'll find serenity.
You'll find inner peace.
So just close your eyes and relax.
Close my eyes? Where's my purse? Shh! You, "shh!" Just close your eyes.
And listen.
Listen to sherri.
[ Tone humming .]
This is the coolest thing ever.
Good lord, it's got everything Tequila holder, ice crusher, lime squeezer.
Where on earth did you find something like this? Authenticethnicpartycarts fromaroundtheworld.
Com.
It's the portable vallarta.
All the charm of the mexican riviera Minus the violent drug wars.
[ Laughs .]
Tequila for you guys, and for the reverend's wife, Something i have often heard about but rarely tasted Uh, water.
[ Laughter .]
Angie: this is great, you guys.
To sherri, who we love and support.
And to the new sherri.
We're gonna help her find her way.
Mm-Hmm.
Yes.
[ Laughter .]
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ugh! Whoo! [ Laughs .]
Well, it hasn't been very easy, though.
I mean, bedtime stories in a bar not so much.
Yeah, and she has absolutely no inner peace.
Would this give you guys inner peace? [ Chanting .]
Sherri, you weren't always a mother.
It feels like i was.
What were you like? Oh, she was crazy.
I was never crazy.
Yes, you were.
How do you do stand-Up if you're not crazy? That's not me, that's someone i pretend to be For 45 wonderful minutes on stage 20 if i'm tanking.
There must be one crazy thing that you've done.
I never killed the 23-Year-Old that slept with my husband.
I know how we can find sherri's crazy.
Let's play "i never.
" What's "i never"? Oh, it's a fun drinking game.
I'm in.
Okay.
How do you play? First you say "i never," And then you say something crazy that you've never done To see if anyone else has.
If somebody else has done it, they take a drink.
I once had sex between subway cars with a japanese tourist.
Oh, no, no, no! You're supposed to say "i never" to see if anyone else has.
Oh.
When do you drink? You know what? Now is fine.
Okay.
All right.
I'll start.
I never stole anything.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, celia! What did you steal, a magazine from a hair salon? A car from the street.
[ Laughter .]
Oh, my god! A car? I was in college.
My professor left his keys in his mustang.
I drove it around for a half an hour, then i put it back.
Oh, if i hadn't found the lord, i don't know where i'd be.
Probably driving a bmw 3 series.
You know me.
Okay.
I once dressed as a man for an entire week.
Oh, yeah, another one for me.
Again, the rules Hey, you say "i never" Oh, bonus! [ Laughs .]
You know what? Forget it.
I have one.
I never hooked up with two men in the same day.
Ugh, who has? [ Laughter .]
What now? You are my hero.
How come i never heard about this story? Because i don't tell you everything.
I was so pumped from jacking that mustang That i jumped my boyfriend And my professor.
[ Laughter .]
Wait a minute! You are a reverend's wife.
I was born again, not yesterday.
[ Laughter .]
Excuse me.
Can you even play this game? I mean, is there something that you've never done? Um, oh, yeah.
Well, i thought about this, But i never had the nerve to do it.
I never flashed my boobs from a moving car.
[ Laughter .]
Going 60 past the princeton rugby bus.
And you? It was especially fun for me, 'Cause i was dressed as a man.
Sherri, you've never even flashed your boobs? I've never driven in a car with big enough windows.
[ Laughter .]
Well, you haven't even taken one drink.
I told you.
I've never done anything crazy.
Then who was i thinking of? Apparently you.
Okay, well, this is the perfect time in your life To do something crazy, so is there anything You've been dying to do that you haven't done? Yes.
Call my son.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! That's right.
I'm not a single, boob-Flashing car thief.
I'm just a mom who wants to know how her son is.
Kevin: hello? Hey, it's me.
What's all that screaming? We're at a karate class.
Karate class isn't till tuesday.
I thought you were taking bo to see the dinosaurs.
Hey, well, this one's a special karate class.
What kind of special? Just demonstrations and such.
Spill it.
Master tommy is teaching bo how to break a board.
It better be cardboard.
He wants to do it.
Yeah, well, he also wants to Fly around with a towel around his neck.
Why don't we put him in charge? Sherri, he'll be just fine, all right? Trust me.
Oh, really? Trust you? [ Scoffs .]
What's wrong? He's got bo breaking boards.
I got to get down there.
Oh, sherri.
Oh.
Oh.
Do we all have to go? To a kid's karate class? No.
I once ate a can of fancy feast Just to feel how a cat feels.
Oh, wait.
I mean i never ate a oh.
Together.
Bow.
Amerikick! Amerikick! Amerikick! Amerikick! Little dragon! Little dragon! Little dragon! Step out to the side.
Bend your knees.
Horse stance.
Looking to the side, and 1! Hyah! 2! Hyah! Hyah! Where is he? Do you see him? What are you so worried about? This looks really fun.
It is fun.
Damn it.
And i'm not a part of it.
That's what i was afraid of.
Kevin gets to be the play date, And i have to be the parent.
Ooh, there he is! 1, 2, hyah! Hyah! Oh, yeah, you did it! You did it, baby! You broke the board! You are the man! I am the man! Hyah! [ Laughs .]
Look at him.
He did it.
And he's never done it before.
This is his first time, and he did it.
Well, you want to be a part of it? Go on over there.
Let him know you saw.
Yeah, give it up, baby.
Aww.
Mmm.
[ Smooches .]
No.
That's for them.
This is their weekend.
Sherri, it's your weekend, too.
And you know what? Bo did something a little crazy.
So why don't you? [ Chuckles .]
hmm? [ Sighs .]
I've never done this.
I've tried a dozen times.
I've always lost my nerve.
I never even thought i'd have the guts To admit i haven't done this.
These are clip-Ons.
Oh! Oh, no way! Oh! Goodness, sherri.
You've never pierced your ears? Get me a potato and a bag of ice.
I have a needle.
Ohh, it hurts so bad.
I haven't done it yet.
What? [ Screams .]
I still haven't done it yet.
[ Screams .]
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
Oh.
[ Laughs .]