Sin City Saints (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

You have gained 2,4 pounds in five days, You have gained 2,6 pounds in five days, Ooh, ooh, You have gained 2,7 pounds in five days, Sapphire, tell the staff no more birthday cakes, Oh, Jesus, you gonna be naked now, because the top power forward in China's coming with his tiger mom, and they're gonna be expecting pants, They're coming tomorrow, I'll have pants on by tomorrow, Yeah, the momager and Wu are all about team chemistry, and in New York, Carmelo and Wu bonded huge, They even had their own handshake, First of all, LaDarius and I's handshake is killer, Saints, You're gonna want to see how LaDarius and Wu get along, LaDarius is coming out with us, He's a kind, gentle, selfless young man, Wu and his mom are going to love him, Have you been paying attention at all? Ever since LaDarius' fake girlfriend, who turned out to be real, died he's been moping around this place like Jared Leto, Unable is the love to die, The love is immortality, Emily Dickinson said that, I miss Becklan so much, Emily can suck my Dickinson, Relax, I'll make sure he's on his most upbeat and Ladariulicious behavior, Huh, Were you weighing yourself when I walked in here? I thought I heard your stupid talking scale, I don't even own that thing any more, All right, people this is how it's gonna work, I'll handle the pre-negotiation with that degenerate agent of his, Wade! It's down to us and New York, Henry, any social media on the Wu's New York visit? Instagram pictures of him with Carmelo conducting the New York Philharmonic, riding an elephant in Times Square, ringing the closing bell on Wall Street, Surprised they haven't got one of him tea-bagging the Statue of Liberty, We've got Wu and his mom set up in a high-roller suite at Caeser's, Mm-hm, His favorite movie is The Hangover, so Jake's trying to setup a Facetime call with Bradley, Zach, or Ed Helms, in that order, Or if we get desperate, the white kid they lost in the first one, Yeah, got him some great Celine Dion tickets, His mom's a huge fan, Do you have extras of those that I can have? You wouldn't get her, All right, listen up, quick, You look like a porny Sarah Palin, I want everybody on their A game for the Wus, cuz I, I wanna win, Not in three years, not in five years, now, And, and, I wanna win so bad, the, the thing that keeps me up at night, even on his death bed-, Here we go, Your dead dad? My dad never understood enterprise data compression, or anything else I did for a living, But you know what he did understand, you guys? Basketball and gambling, and hookers, and blow, and bad stuff, but this is all he wanted, A team in Vegas, A winning team, That I think we- Everybody! It's Todd's birthday, Happy birthday, Todd! Happy birthday, Todd! Hey, yo! Motivational speech happening, Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, yeah, of course, Yeah, Yeah, Wait for me to sing, Can we stop with the celebratory cakes? Sorry, Henry's on the spectrum, Tell Henry owner talking up here, Yeah, Yeah, And then Henry talking down here about a guy that I don't know, It's Todd, HR, Todd from HR, is he a nine-year-old boy that, that wants a pony? Oh, you're feeling fat again, you're totally not, at all, You're actually-, If Jesus Christ returns on Easter and wants a birthday cake to celebrate, I better not see a damn birthday cake, okay? Well, his birthday's on Christmas, so why would he wanna a cake on Easter with all that candy? Excuse me, What? I don't mean to rush you guys, but you know, it's an ice cream cake, Okay, What's going on here guys? Is this a basketball team or a cake company? I don't know if any of you have noticed, but we're not doing so well, So maybe we should focus on winning basketball games, and not consuming celebratory sweets, Put the cake on the ground, Harry, Henry, Put the cake on the ground, Put the cake down, Look at me, The cake! You know what, Todd? I'm under a ton of stress, And my dad didn't come to all my birthdays, And I've gained a few pounds, And I've, I'm sorry Todd, I, you know what? Here you go buddy, okay? Whoa, Happy birthday to Todd, Yay, yay, look at that! Yeah! Oh, look, the Woos are here early, Hello, Wus? Welcome, Wus, Hi, Wus? We love birthdays around here, That's just a joke we occasionally play on each other, And, and when your son is a Saint, every day is going to feel like a birthday, And we don't just see championships, Mrs, Wu, we see a dynasty, Yes, like when the Wu dynasty joined the Wei and the Shu in 220 B,C, to form the imperial kingdom, In New York, Carmelo Anthony was very kind to us, he and Wu developed a series of elaborate hand touches, it signifies great bonding, Well, no offense, but Mellow is a known ball hog, Yeah, most of his assists aren't assists, they're just air balls that get tipped in by his teammates, Team chemistry is very important, What sort of man is this Ladarius poop? Oh, he is fun and super positive, He is like a human bubble machine, Okay! Take us to him, now, Well, I he's just a, a little sick, Sick, He's a little sick right now, Right now, And you're gonna meet him, when he gets better, We don't wanna get you guys sick, No, You should see the court, You need to see the court, Oh, absolutely, It's beautiful, come, It's amazing, Come, come, come, Please, after you, Oh, look at that, Ladarius is up and about, You feeling better, bud? What does it matter? It's all meaningless, He's a funny kid, stay positive enough E, Ladarius, this is Wu Lee, and his mom, Mrs, Wu, Hi, nice to meet you, The pleasure is ours Jake said you're not feeling good? You told him about Becklin, If by not feeling well, you mean emotionally devastated over the death of my fiance, and existentially riddled by the bleakness of the human condition, no, I am not feeling well, What Ladarius is really saying here, is that he has a lot of passion both on, and off the court, This kid has a lot of heart, I'm sorry for your loss, And, and, speaking of heart, yours is going to go on and on, because we got you two front-row tickets to Celine Dion, like you requested, I, I think I only need one, I, I decide I'm going alone, Oh, Bye bye, Okay, You guys wanna come over and play some two K? Oh wait, mom's there forget it, We are in Vegas, Wu wants fun, He speaks English, What what kind of fun did you have in mind? Philly cheesesteaks and black girls, No onions, Lots of mushrooms, Yes, I love black girls, I'm not eating bread, but Wu, everything else I can take care of, Black girls! Do me a favor, Can you please support me in this meeting? No, Guys, I got this, Alex is a notorious womanizer, and normally I wouldn't stoop to this level, but I want this over quick, Doug, your fly, Aw, come on, Alex, hey so great to see you again, Really great, Yeah, Remember Coach Fobbs? Yeah, And Byron Summers, Alex, pleasure, Please have a seat, Thanks, So Alex, we think Wu would be a great fit for the system, Alex, I think that wool would be a great fit with, You are looking great, Dusty, Seriously though, you look amazing, like kind of an unfair advantage amazing, Thank you, So, we know that New York put a solid offer on the table, but we are prepared to top it, Oh, yeah, I love everything that New York had to say, But you're just so adorable, You don't get to do that, Jake is willing to offer Wu a max deal with a three year opt out, Blah, blah, blah, blah, you know what, my neck is just killing me from the flight, I have this little crick in it, Do you think that we could do this somewhere more comfy? Yes, definitely, There's a, a, Not you two, Just me and Dusty, Just like in this dream I had last night, Oh, Yeah, I just think that you been to one to a mall but no, this place is amazing, So Wu, I bet you the owners in New York put on a big song and dance for you, huh? New York is Carmelo's team man, he's Batman, you go there, you'll be Robin, you come here, I'll be Batman? Well, here will be more like two Batmans, Two, racially diverse, Really handsome, equally effective Batmans! Batmen? Batmans! There are never two Batmans, only one, Okay, well, you can be the number one Batman, I don't care, No such thing, If I come here, LaDarius Pope-, Mm-hm, Is Robin, No way, For us, He's Robin to us, to us, Good, Enjoy a cheesesteak and daiquiri with me, I'm gonna skip dinner tonight, Wu, So, where are the mushrooms? There should be mushrooms right in there, No, not those, the magic kind, The kind that make everything all pretty and fun, Oh, oh, you mean shrooms, Does Wu stutter? You do, but I got something even better, some next level shit, My shaman gave me this trippy tea, It's called Ayahuasca, We're gonna go on a journey together Wu, and when it's over, you're gonna know what city to play ball in, Las Vegas, baby! We feel like Vegas would be great for Wu's brands, Mm-hm, You know, I can't even concentrate, I think it's this kink in my neck, Would you mind to just rub one out, while we're talking? Sure, Oh yeah, We've talked to our partners with the biggest casino in Macau, And with Wu on board, we could fill that arena for a game next year, Okay, yeah, you're really bad at that, You're making that worse, It's Vegas, We're talking world market, Yeah, do you think that we could order some food in, maybe just a little something to nibble on or, you know, some finger food? I'll order in a minute, I'm not leaving here until we have a deal, Oh, I'm not leaving here until you seal that deal, Okay, Hey, hey, what, I just got an email from my friend at the league office, It seems that the Wu's are committing to New York, What? Is that true? Yeah, sorry, What is all this? Oh, this is romance and foreplay and courtship, yeah,cuz you're the one who walked in with your shirt unbuttoned to your navel smiling at me like I was George Clooney, Yeah, because we wanted Wu in Vegas, Yeah, that's a little insulting, don't you think? Am I that bad at my job? I'm gonna give my client a bad deal cuz some seven and a half made eyes at me? Okay, I'm gonna go, Seven and a half? Mm-hm, Really? Come on, Dusty, How far were you gonna go with this? Were you actually gonna just like, go down on me? Okay, Come on, it's a little misogynistic, You know what, actually? It's a little homophobic, I think that you should be ashamed of yourself, Yes, look, I'm sorry, I just-, Yeah, I feel awful, And I'm just messing with you, I don't care at all, I thought if we could just get it on in the hot tub a little bit, but you know what? If it's Wu you want, you just gotta work his mom, She calls all the shots, And, you know, you're a nine, I'd call you a ten if you weren't so insecure, Wait, Yeah, Kevin, you want some? No thank you, I'm working, Plus I've never done drugs in my life, I drank and smoked pot and stuff, but no hallucinogenics, I take that back, Sandra Bernhard and I, Wayne Newton, smoked some peyote once, More for me, Comes to my name, Hell, yeah, Come on, Nick, Get up, Get up, Get up, Whew, careful, careful, Oh, man, snap out of it, Wu needs to see if you can hang? Oh, really, dude? Stop being such a buzz kill, Is this what it's like to be married? I'm sorry, but I'm feeling threatened, I just-, Why do you have so many feelings? This is a tough time for me, okay? First the Pope mobile, then Becklan, and now this guy comes in here and you're like a teenage girl hanging with One Direction, First of all, grown men can like One Direction, There's nothing wrong with it, Second of all, there's tons of beautiful women here, Just go grab one, Just not the one that's a fish, You don't get it, man, I wanna feel a real connection when I-, Oh, God! You sound like a guy who's never had sex before, You're a guy who's never had sex before, How do you know? Cuz I can see into your soul, Just don't tell anyone, I'm not gonna, Relax, Hey, you guys, LaDarius is a virgin, Jake, Jake, come on, now, I, I'm so, had to get it out, I got it out, Quit it, man, You're making me feel self conscious, Hey, come on, come on, buddy, Look, I don't know a lot of things, But, I know one thing, and it's that you need to have sex, tonight, Okay? So we gotta get you come on, okay, right here, Go get that, What do I do? You're rich and famous, You just go, hey! Are they allowed to leave with me? Oh my god, you really are a virgin, Just go, Hi, Hi, I, I play pro basketball, Look at that, Wu, It's like watching a baby fawn take its first steps, Walk, little fella! Walk, You really want me to play for the Sin City Saints? Yes, Wu, Yes, yes, I need you to prove it then, Name it, I want to wear number eight, That's LaDarius' number, That's Batman's number now, Kevin? Hey, you know, what, the Saints party like this every night, Who needs looks cuz? This is greatest night of my life! This is nothing! Fool, you sign with me and I'll make tonight look like, one of those naps at nursery schools, Uh-huh? This is a lot better than gonna that dumb concert with your mom right? You let me go to the concert alone? I could have been raped, killed, mugged, All three, Are you on drugs? No, What? NO! You disgrace our family, Buddy, I want my mom, I'm sorry, mom, Oh, no, Oh, whoa, whoa, hey, Wu, Wu, Wu! Look, you're fine, Yeah, Your mom is fine, Uh-huh, Let's play, Let's play, I need my mom right now! Wu, your mom is not mad at you, Stop saying mom, he's losing it! I won't say mom, I want my mom! Just roll, No, Mom? Mom? She's not here, Wu? Wu, Wu, Wu! Get the thousand, get the thousand, Okay, get the thousand, Mama! Hey, hey, hey, I, I need to see my mom, No, under no circumstances can you see your mom right now, She needs to know I'm sorry, No, Hey, here, here, here, here here's his key, check his room, if she's not there I'll sneak him in, give him a bunch of Ambien, They'll sleep it off, They'll be fine in the morning, I'll be at the usual spot, Okay? Okay, good, Good, Come on big fella, This way, Why is my mom not here? Hm, Oh, shit, Hello? Oh, oh, oh, Out! Is this real? Oh! Am I seeing this? Oh! Outta here! Yeah, it's real, No, no! This is not happening, Why are you here? Where is Wu? Wu's with Kevin, They're having a blast, I want my mommy! All right, buddy, Time to get up, Damn, what happened to him? All right, nothing to look at here, folks, We've all been, There, You had a tough day, Come on, buddy, That's not what this is about, This is about you two, needing to stop that, Cut that out, How did this even-, Look, I left with the girls, but they were boring and immature, They didn't wanna talk at all, So, I came back to the hotel where I ran into this beautiful dream of a woman, And he looked so sad and so sweet, and we started talking and he told me about his dead fiance, Oh, And then I told her I was a virgin, Why would you tell her that? Hey! He is a very sweet boy, and I come from a loveless barren marriage for years, And we just connected, I got to feel it, Jake, Yeah, that's wonderful for you two, but this is a big no, a hell no, You need to stop, I want to stay in Vegas, We are going to sign with the Saints, This is great! And super weird news, Come here, you two, You crazy kid, and mother of another kid, It means a lot to me that you're cool with this, Jake, Oh, I'm so not cool with this, No, But, what choice do I have? I know nothing, I was never here, I was never here, Forget it, Jake, my man, Hey Jake, great job, Yeah, Go and kick some ass, You know it, Now Wu, Gonna win it all Jake, I don't get it, I thought Wu's deal with New York was done, I mean, done done, Never underestimate my ability to GSD, to get shit done, Jake, last night was a blast, I'm sorry that I got a little weird at the end, All this democracy went to my head, Hey, freedom, Welcome aboard, I was all set to go to New York, but my mom had a change of heart, Something big came over her, Yeah, Yeah, Yes, What can I say, Las Vegas? We did it! And we are thrilled to have Wu playing for the Sin City Saints! When LaDarius returns healthy, this will be a team that will be a top contender very quickly, which has been my goal all along, I don't wanna waste another second, Let's get Wu into a Saints jersey, Welcome to the family, Okay, let me get this straight, So the Wu's chose us over New York, Mm-hm, And LaDarius gave up his number, which he had in honor of his little brother, who got shot on August 8th when he was 8 years at 8:08pm, Why would he do that? Because of me and my mad skills, Skills? You should worry about your own tactics, Mm, I hear, that you tried to hook up with that Asian in the jacuzzi, I did not, Mm-hm, Wade? That was a secret, Oh, was it? I don't want to rub your neck, Oh, Dusty has no problem with it last night, What the hell, I'll go get my swimsuit, Good girl, Everyone, I wanna thank you for the effort today, Can't tell you how proud I am, I really feel like this is the culmination of a lot of hard work and professionalism, And my dad, before he died, was a great man, Dead dad again, He had a dream, He was like a drunken, Irish Martin Luther King, Jr,, Skills, my ass, B mark, Or if we get desperate, the white kid they lost in the first one, Got them some great sitting in, What LaDarius is trying to say is that he has so much intensity, and he's passionate, and he loves passion tea, and, That's LaDarius's number, Ryan, I'm so sorry, It's Batman's number now, Oh, shit, shit, shit, sorry, Okay, My dad, before he died, he looked me in the eyes and said, King Kong ain't got shit on me, Cheers, That's right, freedom, baby, I was all set to go to New York, but then my mom had a change of heart, Something big came over her, Yeah, Sorry, What happened? You lost it? Yahoo!