Single Long (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Hey, uh
So I wanted to try
and get in touch with you
'cause we met
the other day.
I know this
isn't Craigslist.
I know this isn't like
you obviously didn't see
that one.
So I wanted to try
and send you a message
to, you know,
get in touch.
'Cause meeting you
the other day
was, like, really cool.
You you know, outside
the burger place,
I gave you my CD
and you seemed to dig it.
Like, there were snakes
coming out of the speakers
and you were cool
with that.
And but then you left.
And I wanted to try
and reach out to you,
see if maybe you want
to hang out sometime.
I mean, the weather's
nice now.
Maybe we could take a walk.
I don't know.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
TV:
The humiliation of
a still young nation
forced to flee, to retreat
from its own capital,
its army defeated by
a former colonial master,
the heads of government,
the president himself,
James Madison,
forced to scatter
and hide in the countryside.
It must have been a very
strange experience
for all parties involved.
Virtually unprecedented.
And, of course,
later that same night,
British forces entered
the virtually undefended
city of Washington
You're not gonna get laid.
You have a date.
A date means you're
gonna put on some stupid
fucking button-up,
go out, spend 20 bucks
on some gastro pub bullshit,
and then get rejected
for a goodnight kiss
because she wants
to keep her options open.
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
- So sit down and have
a goddamn beer.
Not this time, Pete.
Not this time.
Check it, I've been seeing
this girl for two months now.
I've been cockblocked
by her boss, by her
friends, by her family.
I was cockblocked
when we heard a Bruce
Springsteen song
on the radio and it
made her cry, dude.
Last time we went
on a date, she drank
two glasses of white wine
and fell asleep while
I was fingering her, okay?
But tonight,
nothing's gonna stop us.
I've got her
in an apartment.
Controlled environment.
We're gonna be watching
a movie.
There's gonna be
little to no booze there.
Just enough.
You know what I'm saying?
We're doing this thing.
You're not gonna
get in my way.
So enjoy your
History Channel repeats.
I hope they play that
fucking pawnshop show
you hate.
I'm gonna go pick a shirt
in my room quietly
in a peaceful place
and you fuck yourself
on the couch.
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah.
My God, you guys!
You're here!
You guys look so good.
Where you guys going?
(laughs)
Where are we going?
We? I'm in my pajamas.
What do you mean where
am I going?
- Where are you guys going?
- The club.
Girl, put on a dress.
Let's go.
Okay, where are we going?
We could go to Skybar
or Le Passage.
Okay, I say Le Passage
'cause then we can
go to Rock and Roll
McDonald's afterwards.
Girl, why is your idea
of a good time 2:00 A.M.
fish filets?
Like, what else
is a good night?
Going home with some dude?
Not gonna happen.
But what if you
meet someone you really
have a connection with?
Okay, when has that
ever happ
you know, I don't think
I give off a good
I give off a weird
first impression.
That's not
But tonight Joe
is gonna be there.
Fuck you guys!
I'm not going.
I'm gonna stay home
and paint. I'm not going
if Joe's gonna be there.
- Stop it.
- I haven't seen him
in forever.
It's gonna be weird.
Are you kidding me?
Right? Back me up.
- Back me up, Mona.
- It is going to be fun.
- Now listen.
- Mm-hmm.
- You are a sexy slut.
- I don't
Go get dressed.
Hey, girl,
I am totally down
to get fingered tonight.
(knocking)
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Good, how are you?
- So good.
- So good to see you.
- So good to see you.
- How have you been?
- Good. I've been great.
- Great.
- Hey, you know, I was
I was actually thinking
that tonight would be
kind of relaxed
if we got all the kissing
out of the way first.
- (laughs)
- Yeah?
Yeah, you're hilarious.
Ugh.
You know, there's so many
things that you can watch,
you can never find the thing
you actually want to watch.
I can never decide.
You know, I was thinking
we could I'm sorry.
I was thinking that we
could just watch anything
and enjoy each other's
company a little bit.
Just a movie's on,
but it's not on.
Yeah, but I love getting
really into movies, you know?
They're so much fun.
Yeah, that is fun.
Yeah.
You know what?
Okay, you try to find
- something that
you like on here.
- Okay.
And I am going
to find out what Rob
and Ellen want to watch.
Wait, who?
My upstairs neighbors.
Okay.
- Um
- Okay.
(gasps)
Maybe something romantic.
Okay.
Like, she would
have to be tall,
but not too tall.
Like, if you stood us
back to back,
you would notice
that I was taller than her.
And she would have to really
enjoy playing chess,
but not be
that good at it.
Like Minnie Driver
in "Tarzan."
I really enjoyed
that movie.
I thought that
Minnie Driver brought
a sort of
sensuality to it.
I know it was
just voice work,
but, like, especially
for a kids' movie, too,
like, she really
understood
how raw and vital
life in the jungle
can really be.
- Ayla: Noah.
- What?
You're gonna have
to give me something here.
(laughs)
That's all
absolutely true, though.
I don't know what
(music playing)
(crying)
Will you do that
smoky thing on my eyes?
- Sure.
- You're so good at it.
- I totally will.
- Thank you.
You guys look great,
by the way.
Oh, you are so sweet.
We don't have time.
I got some yogurt
coming in your mouth here.
- What's that? Mmm.
- Airplane.
- Airplane.
- That's nice.
- That Greek yogurt?
- Mm-hmm.
- I love Greek yogurt.
- That's two bucks a pop.
- I know, but it's so good.
- Take a shot.
Shot.
- Your turn.
- Oh, God.
- My turn.
- That is so gross.
That is the grossest thing
I've ever had in my life.
- What a combo.
- Yogurt all over the lips.
An unfortunate place, too.
You know what it looks like?
What does it look like?
- That's for later
in the night, girl.
- You're right, girl.
I'm putting it on.
I'm putting on my dress.
Take the bra off.
You look so good.
(laughing)
I got to shave.
(water running)
- It was nice meeting you.
- Why don't you guys
come up now?
- Yeah, come on over.
- We have
You know what?
I'm gonna come
tomorrow anyway
'cause remember I promised
that mac and cheese.
- Oh, love it.
That's good.
- Mmm.
- Get home safe.
- (laughs)
- Hey.
- Hey.
That was fun, right?
Yeah, you guys
cried a lot.
Aw, you didn't have fun?
- No.
- You did not have fun.
That's okay.
There was a lot of crying.
Listen, I just want to do
what you want to do.
- What I want to do?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's funny.
I've actually been
making a list in my head.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I was thinking
about kissing you
- on the cheek.
- (laughs)
Then I was gonna
go down to the neck.
Oh, okay, you know what?
Hold that thought.
Because I have to give
Mr. Jub-Jub his medicine.
It'll just take two seconds.
Don't move a muscle.
- (music playing)
- Hi.
- Hello. Hello.
Hello, ladies.
- Hi.
- Good evening.
How are you doing tonight?
- Good.
Very good.
Glad to hear it.
Admission tonight is $20.
$20?
But we have vaginas.
So do half the people
in this line behind you.
So it's still gonna be
$20 for them and you.
Your other potential
option here
is that I can take
a picture of you, send it
in to the promoter,
and if he likes what he sees,
then I can let you in up here.
If he likes what he sees?
Are you serious?
- Is that even legal?
- Otherwise you can take it
to the back of the line.
We got people
trying to get in here.
It's your choice, ladies.
All right.
Real quick.
- All right, it's okay.
- Does it go in its eye?
- Come on.
Oh, Mr. J.
- Hang on.
It's okay.
It's okay, baby.
It's all right.
No, no, no. Okay.
- Here.
- No. What are you doing?
Not in his ear.
- I don't
- You're crazy.
Anyway, needless to say,
I am single.
And, hey,
ready to mingle.
Actually, no, not really.
I don't really
want to mingle anymore,
to be honest.
I'm tired of doing that.
I, uh
I don't know.
I don't want to talk as much.
Which is weird 'cause you
can't frickin' shut me up.
But, yeah,
sometimes it's nice
to just sit and think,
I guess.
You know?
And have these
awesome thoughts.
(exhales)
Brrrrr!
(mumbles)
(music playing)
- Cheers!
- Cheers, ladies.
Joe.
Joe!
Fuck.
- Ooh.
- You know,
I had a thought.
I think that I have seen
enough dogs tonight.
Oh, come on.
And then I could
put the other one
right next to it
and then I would
have your feet.
- I love those shoes.
- I love your feet.
Oh, yikes!
Yeah, your little fucker
fought me hard there.
Oh, you didn't mean it,
did you, Mr. Jube?
Mm-mmm.
No, you did not.
No, no.
No, you did not.
You know, me and him actually
have a lot in common.
We're very antiauthority.
We don't like to take
our medicine.
Well, actually, I always
thought that I would make
a really good nurse.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you know,
you are sure healing me.
You know, I've got
all sorts of back pains
and neck pains.
- If you just
kissed everywhere
- Oh, really?
do you think that
would just solve them?
- Really?
- Yeah, possibly.
- Oh, my God, dude.
- Uh-huh.
- I just had such a good idea.
- I like this idea already.
Yeah, I think
that I should make us
some hot tea.
- Tea?
- Mm-hmm. No, no, no.
This oh, God,
I can't believe
I thought of this.
- Okay, you just sit there.
- Oh.
This is gonna be great.
- Are you
- Okay.
Tomorrow ♪
Is too late ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Tomorrow ♪
Is too late ♪
(ringing)
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Joe:
Hello.
Hey, Ayla,
is that you?
I'm guessing
this is a drunk dial
and that you're
standing there
a little too embarrassed
to say anything.
I refuse to wait ♪
Tomorrow ♪
Is too late ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
- Tomorrow ♪
- (vibrating)
Is too late ♪
Wait, wait, wait.
Start over.
Oh, no.
Are you serious?
Ugh.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, well, okay.
And then what
did you say?
Oh, my God.
All right.
Well, okay,
so tell me
tell me the whole story
from the beginning.
How dare you walk
away from me? ♪
How dare you walk
away from me? ♪
How dare you walk
away from me? ♪
Tomorrow ♪
Is too late ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Tomorrow. ♪