Single White Spenny (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

With dating, I try to keep my standards high.
Brooke is everything on my list and more.
And this, is the more.
Ughyeah.
Oh, my God Doesn't get any better than this.
I'm going to go get some more mint oil.
Yesmore mint oil.
I won't be long.
Yes! Yes.
I see you have the ecstatic pleasure of prostate massage! Are you sure it's ok to put mint oil up there? Whoa, who the hell are you? What are you doing in my place? This isn't your place, it's Brooke's.
I'm her husband.
I'm home early from a business trip.
You better have a damn good explanation-- What are you doing with my prostate massage manual? Calm down.
Brooke is just a friend of mine, and uh, you know, I'm gay.
I'm totally gay! You're totally dead.
Ow! OW! Ow! My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted man-child.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want is to find love.
Is that such a crime? OW! Ow! Ow!!! Please, don't hurt me! Ow, I didn't know your wife was married! Norm! What are you doing here? You're supposed to phone first.
Those are the rules.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, fake-gay guy.
Just having a little fun.
Hey, I'm a kidder.
Look, what-- what's going on here? What are you guys? Brother and sister? No.
Boyfriend-girlfriend.
Yeah.
Roommates? No, Spenny, Norm and I are in an open relationship.
So we're allowed to date whoever we want.
Works out beautifully, actually.
I got a flight attendant waiting for me in the hallway.
Check her out.
She's smoking.
Good job, honey! She's hot.
I don't what kind of freak show you guys are running but I'm leaving.
This is not a freak show.
So, it's normal for you to be putting mint oil up any Tom, Dick and Harry's rumpus? Okay, look-- Everyone is attracted to other people.
We're just honest about it.
Right? So, just because I'm dating Norm doesn't mean that if I'm sexually attracted to you, I can't act on it.
I don't get what she sees, but hey, I like cold oatmeal, you know? Cold oatmeal? No, I don't know, Norm.
I don't know what you're talking about.
But what I do know is about relationships.
There's a reason why we survived as a culture! And it wasn't because we ran around having sex with anybody who took our fancy! Relationships! Are for two people! Exclusively! Mono es mono! Or womano! There's a little book, you may have heard of it-- It's called the Holy Bible.
You might want to gander at it, And look at what it has to say about this.
I'm very disappointed and you disgust me, the both of you.
And I'm leaving right now.
And as for you! I am never flying your airline again! Or! Any of your code-sharing partners! Ninety-million? Quite a chunk of change for a little software company.
We're very proud of him.
Maybe now he can find himself a nice girlfriend.
I'm available.
Haha! Oh, Sheila You're so funny.
I'm not kidding.
How's your son? Spencer? He's dead.
I am so sorry.
What are you gonna do? Sorry I'm late.
Hi.
I'm-- A friend! Ida, it was lovely seeing you.
Please remember what I said about your son.
I can rock your world.
And you won't survive You introduce me as a friend? Are you ashamed of me? No! It's just that nerdski has ninety-mill and you sell crap in a can.
I happen to sell more than that.
Still not shouting from the rooftops.
If you really want to be ashamed of me, check this out-- I was invited into an open relationship and I said no.
I took a moral stand.
You know who else took a moral stand? That couple.
Is that how you want to end up? Like Mr.
and Mrs.
Cobweb? Sipping soup, wondering what it would have been like to have actually lived.
Come on, Spencer! Make your mother proud.
Go for the gusto! Or, you're gonna end up like the cobwebs.
She's right.
We are miserable.
I don't want to be a Mr.
Cobweb.
Then don't.
For once, Sheila may actually be right.
All I have to do is get Brooke to forget my "I'm good, you suck" speech.
I have to call her.
Brooke, you're right! I overreacted, but you can't blame me! I really don't think I left like a little girl, I don't think that's fair.
Put it down! Really? I'll see you there in a half hour.
Okay, bye, Brooke.
Spenny.
OW! What? Your friend Phil, is obsessed with me.
Spenny, can I, uh-- Whatever, Phil.
Chelsea, I sniffed your perfume in the hallway.
I gotta go.
What?! You guys have fun.
Lock the door when you're done, okay? Spenny! Nuh-uh! Don't! Just-- Don't! Don't leave me alone with Phil-- You have no interest in me, I get it.
That's fine! What are you doing?! Huh? Oh! Just pretend I'm not here.
Go about your business.
As you know, there's 7 days in a week.
So, that means, I get you a minimum of three and half days a week.
Plus, always on my birthday.
And Jewish holidays, as well.
Okay.
Now, if you're with Norm and I come over, I want to make sure I have fresh linens.
We don't do it on the bed anyways.
You don't? No.
Wow.
Anyways, continue.
Okay, at no time-- This is a key one-- I never want to see Norm's penis.
Ever.
Okay? Okay.
Fair enough? Yeah.
I think it's reasonable.
Yeah.
Okay, so if I'm to understand this, and I think I'm starting to process it-- You're my girlfriend.
Norm's your boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm your boyfriend.
Okay.
So then Norm to me Is my boyfriend-in-law? Alright! So, uh You have a deal.
Oh, okay, well, let's not shake on it.
It's so business, come here-- Oh-- Mmmm Oh, my.
We're in an open relationship! I'm in an open relationship!!! Drinks on me, everybody! This open relationship is fantastic.
I can date anyone I want.
Even though I only want to date Brooke.
It's like having all the convenience of a time-share and none of the headaches of ownership.
I get groceries, there's Phil! I go to the drycleaners and I see Phil! Phil is everywhere! And he's just doing nothing! Why are you telling me this? This has nothing to do with me.
The man probably picks up his dry-cleaning! Goes grocery shopping! That's what people do! It's a coincidence! It's not a coincidence! He's doing NO-THING, but it's something! Hey, man.
Norm, thank you so much for coming.
I didn't know the gorgeous bus stopped here.
We should go out sometime.
You want to go out sometime? I'm kind of busy trying to get out of a relationship I'm not in.
Hi, I'm Brooke.
Hi, morning.
Morning, sweetie.
Morning.
Thanks for picking up Brooke.
I got this meeting up town-- You're saving my life.
I got your back, buddy.
That's how we do it.
I got a speeding ticket on the way over I'm gonna need $20 from each of you.
Relationship expense.
Why are we paying for your speeding tickets? Guys, remember? Any costs incurred during the course of the open relationship e shared.
That way no one person carries the load.
No, no-- Traffic tickets are not a legitimate relationship expense.
They are when Spenny's in a hurry and I rush-- You drive like a maniac! Okay, okay, okay! Guys! This time, I'll take care of the ticket.
Okay? Nice.
You picked a hell of a guy this time.
Bye, baby.
Bye.
Alright-- So what do you think? You and Norm? That's a great idea! Yeah, that's all I need.
Just me, Norm, and Phil! Loving it! Later, Hef! So Is this, like, some kind of love cult, or something? It's not a love cult, Jessica.
It's an open relationship.
It's a very sophisticated thing.
Are you trying to get me to join? It's not a gym, Jessica, you don't join.
If it's not a gym and it's not a cult, what the hell is it? You know what it is? An apple fritter.
Is that easier for you to understand? Now, please-- Good, I like apple fritters.
Get back to work.
Hey, hey, if it isn't my better third! Norm, how's it going? Whoa.
I didn't know the gorgeous bus stops here.
Hey I'm being recruited.
But I'm not gonna join.
Especially with that thing on your lip.
Is that a cold sore? Yeah.
Bummer.
Get them all the time.
There's no cure.
Oh, my God! I think my lips are tingling! Yeah, that's how they start! Has that been anywhere near Brooke? Relax, bro, it's a fake.
I thought you'd get a kick out of it! Being in the gag business! Open relationship humor-- Hilarious! We have an invite to My cousin's wedding.
I thought you, me and Brooke, go as a couple.
I don't even go to my own cousin's weddings-- Spenny! When people are in a relationship, sometimes they have to do things they don't want to do.
To keep the relationship healthy.
You want a healthy open relationship? Well, yeah, but-- Good! Then I will see YOU Saturday.
Wooo! Oh! I guess things could be worse.
Phil could be knocking at my door.
Banana? Phil-- Whatever it is you're doing, you are creeping me out.
Fair enough.
I'll just leave it right here.
All right? It's there if you want it.
It's right there.
I hate weddings.
But, I'm going because that's what you do when you're in a relationship with a great woman and her idiot boyfriend.
What are you doing? You're not dressed! We have to be there in an hour! I have nothing to wear! Laundry day is tomorrow! He sprung this on me last minute! I'm not going! I'm not going! You gotta go! I'm not gonna go alone with Norm! Why not?! Because they're expecting a threesome! If I show up with just him-- I don't know, people will talk! Come on, you guys, let's go! Norm, take it easy on the horn! He's a maniac.
Brooke's not coming.
What? She doesn't want to go to the wedding.
What can I tell ya? That is classic Brooke! Look, she doesn't like to be rushed-- I'm sorry, she doesn't want to go.
I couldn't convince her.
Okay, she wants to be that way, let her.
You and I will go and make the best of it.
I'm not going either.
You bailing on me too? You and Brooke obviously planned this.
We didn't plan anything! But we kind of think you invited us just so that we could pay half of the gift.
Is that what you two think? Wow.
Get out.
What? Get out.
What are you? Five years old? That's so immature! GET OUT!!! Get out of my truck right now, Spenny! Jeez! Don't touch me! OW!!! I never want to see you again! Shut the door! Shut my door! What are you? A lunatic?! "Est tu?!" "EST TU?!" "EST WHAT?" "Est TOUS!" You got some serious psychological problems! Well, you're a psycho ass! Get out of here! Give my best to Brooke! Get out of here! Have a nice day! You know something?! I don't need you! Brooke doesn't need you! Okay?! What are you doing?! Are you kidding me?! You want to play?! AHHHHHHHH! Help!!! HELP!!! My girlfriend's boyfriend's trying to kill me!!! AHHHHHHH! Then Norm puts the car in reverse and tries to run me over.
The man's a maniac.
How did Brooke react to you blowing up the three-way? I didn't blow up the three-way.
Norm blew up the three-way.
I don't think he understood what it was going to be like when I entered the relationship.
I raised the bar.
This is the best thing that could've happened, now, it's just the two of you.
Which is what you wanted.
You're right.
So what exactly do you two have going on? Nothing.
It's no thing.
I don't know when Phil and Chelsea became a novelty act and I don't care.
All I know is that Norm's out of the picture which means Brooke is all mine.
All the time.
I was magnificent.
I think we almost broke the six minute mark.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was the best you've ever done.
You're sounding judgmental.
Shouldn't you be in post-coital bliss? No, it's just-- It's, um It's just when we had Norm there was balance.
You know, like, your strengths would compensate for his weaknesses, and Vice versa.
Are you saying Norm's a better lover than I am? No, no-- I'm saying that you were a better dinner companion.
See, it all evens out.
That doesn't even out.
That doesn't even come close to evening out.
I don't want to be the dinner guy.
I want to be the sex guy.
I miss Norm.
I can't believe you dumped my boyfriend.
Unbelievable.
Does this mean I'm going to have to kiss Norm's hairy, cheap s to get him back? I think it does.
This is very important.
Norm doesn't want to talk to me, so give him a call.
As soon as you get him on the phone, hand the phone to me.
Do you understand? What happened? You get kicked out of your creepy sex club? It's not a sex club! It's an open relationship! Take the number! Fine.
I know what Phil's up to.
Reading a book on primates, big deal.
Uh uh.
He's using the Jane Goodall technique to date me.
What are you talking about? She studies chimps! She was able to gain their trust by moving so slowly that they just accepted her.
Are you trying to tell me that Phil has made you into his chimp? Oh, my God-- You know what happened? He "Goodalled" you! Genius! That's why I let him brush my hair! You let Phil brush your hair? I let Phil brush my hair? Oh, Norm! I didn't know you could do that with butter-- Give me that! Hey, Norm, it's Spenny, please don't hang up! We have to talk.
Hey.
Hey.
So how was the wedding? Lonely.
Band played a lot of slow songs.
You know, when a band plays slow songs, they usually follow up with something peppy, right? These guys didn't.
Look, I'm sorry, but-- I've been talking to Brooke and-- We want you back.
I'd like to think you meant that.
We do.
I don't know-- It's just, I'm so crazy busy with work-- I'm swamped, you know? It's just, it's nuts.
I don't know, this whole relationship thing and all this stuff, it's-- I don't know, you know? Just, I don't know.
Look, I'm delighted that you're doing well, but I just want you to know something, that this guy-- Look at me.
Norm! What? Look at me.
I'm there for you, Norm.
I've got your back.
I just need you to be in the relationship.
Do you understand? Well, there it is.
Problem solved.
Norm and I are good.
Brooke and Norm are good.
A three-way reconciliation.
I can only hope things are going this well with Chelsea.
Phil! I know exactly what you're doing to me! I read Goodall's book! Phil! I can see you.
Phil? I'm not dating you.
Okay? Ah, yes! Yes, Norm! Oh my God! Stop and I'll kill you! I love you! I love you, baby! I'm the best! Ahhhhhh! That was just a warm-up.
You're amazing Here we are! The three amigos! Back again.
That was unbelievab.
.
Amazing.
MmmmNorm Three-way snuggle! All right, let's have a toast.
Oh, thanks-- To us! To us! Guys, do you mind when we do a toast, kind of make some e e contact with me, would be really nice.
Oh, sure-- Umwhy don't you tell him? We have to thank you.
In thirteen years of open relationships, we've never been apart.
Until you drove a wedge between us.
I drove a wedge? Yeah, but you got us back together.
And introduced us to something we've never experienced before-- Make-up sex.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
And it made us realize how much we love each other.
So what are you trying to say? We want closed.
No more open.
Monogamous all the way, me and her.
Yeah.
Are you kidding me?! That's it?! It's over?! I bent over backwards to make this thing work! Yeah-- I'm being dumped.
But I'm not devastated.
I started thinking about it, the cobwebs? Were they really that unhappy? He looked like he was enjoying his soup.
So, another failed relationship.
Actually, two.
Whatever.
In the end, who knows.
Maybe it's better for two people to be miserable than three.
I'm a catastrophe.
Not only do I wreck monogamous relationships, I wreck multiple partner relationships.
Do you think I could pass for seventeen? No.
Eighteen it is.
Good thing I'm not dating you.
Here's my honey now.
Aren't you going to introduce me? This is Ida's son, Sherman.
Sherman, this is-- Barry, my accountant.
Excuse us for a sec? He's got ninety-mill-- He's gonna need an accountant.
Barry's the name, accounting's the game!