Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
Back In Time
God, it's like time is crawling.
How long have we been here, 20 minutes? 2 hours.
God, it's like time is rocketing past us.
Well, we're just gonna have to stay here Until we find a way to win over the p.
t.
a.
again.
After all, they seem to think that someone here embezzled from the fund.
None of you know What "embezzled" means, do you? Isn't it a device that sexes up the dullest of clothing With the excitement of spangles? It means "stole.
" Someone stole it.
Grabber, no grabbing.
This mp3 player is incredible.
I got it with the cash we bedazzled from the p.
t.
a.
Well, i don't know why i'm here.
I already got my rich boyfriend To let us host a p.
t.
a.
breakfast At his house while he's out of town.
He's in show business, So there's always bagels in the freezer.
Although, to be honest, He is getting to be old news.
It does feel like we're stuck in detention, Like those characters from those movies in the eighties.
Those movies were so contrived.
There was always this well-meaning nice guy Who tries so hard to impress the hot, flighty girl.
Wow.
you're so well-meaning to rember that.
But then there's the jerk who has no problem Impressing the girl with his strength, Even though he doesn't have a brain in his-- Desk-breaker.
Well, let's not forget the goofy Best friend of the nice guy Who always comes up with a nutty scheme To help him win the flighty girl back from the-- Hey, why don't we kill ennis But make him move like he's still alive? Ooh.
how 'bout the suck-up who blabs everyone else's secrets? Oh, and, ennis, they wanna kill you And make you move around like you were still alive.
Oh, yeah.
there was always one of those.
We lost him.
I always love the outcast girl, You know, the real dip who nobody notices.
How 'bout the outcast girl, The real dip nobody notices? Oh, right.
please take your hand out of my ass.
I always enjoyed the crazy foreign character.
Of course, these days, we'd never have Such an offensive ethnic stereotype.
Oh, god.
i think we're describing ourselves.
We're just like those high school students In those movies from the eighties.
Well, you know what? it's time to break free from those stereotypes.
Gasp.
the throat-clearing Humorless authority figure's coming.
I see no one has come up with a plan For what we should tell the p.
t.
a.
During this breakfast.
ennis? Ennis thinks he and i Could do a show for the p.
t.
a.
No, we don't.
Oh, ennis, stop being such a fussy gus.
My head really hurts.
That's because there's a song trapped inside.
Don't.
stop.
Thinkin' about tomorrow Fleetwood! So in other words, nobody has anything To present to the p.
t.
a.
Well, i guess that means we'll have to cancel the breakfast.
But won't that mean we're out of the p.
t.
a.
? I suppose so.
You're all free to go.
So that's it? That's all there is? Yeah, that one did seem to wrap up kind of quickly.
That's it? Done by yescool So, good cheesecake, huh? It just seems like we spent so much time Talking about movies from the eighties You'd think something would have come of that.
Well, speaking of the eighties, You remember how tv shows used to show clips of prior episodes To pad when they didn't have enough content? The characters would all sit around remembering things.
Well, who has more memories than we? Why, it seems like just yesterday when careless old stuart here Had gotten into my hormone-replacement capsules and Come on, guys.
let's show the boys What we think of 'em.
jump up and down, everybody! All, synchronized: ha ha! ha ha ha! Of course, the laughs Weren't always at stuart's expense.
Why, i rember the time this one Sat up on a dunk tank and What else? How 'bout the time i got into it with a giant chicken? Ha ha ha ha! I- is there a-- ha! no clip? So that's really all we've done.
Wow.
we gotta make some new memories.
You guys have a minute? Yes! oh, please.
like 16.
Well, i broke up with my boyfriend.
Yay! I mean, "why?" It was because of something you said.
Good.
I mean, "what?" Well, you said we should stop acting Like eighties movies stereotypes.
Well, that's great.
It is time for all of us to grow up.
Well, i'm ready to throw off The shackles of sexual ambiguity And find out what i really am.
I suppose it's like pool.
You don't know if you're stripes or solids Until you get a ball in some hole.
Innuendo.
Well, i'm not really eager to "grow up," Because that basically puts me in the grave, But i'll follow the crowd.
You're right.
I'm ready to stop bein' the girl Anyway it's a good thing That nobody notices.
The p.
t.
a.
brunch got called off.
You're talking.
i got it.
'cause i need the weekend to get my stuff Out of his incredible 1980s-style mansion, Which between you and me, Is practically a shrine to huey lewis.
You know, if you've got the house this weekend And the parents aren't gonna be coming Let's party like the high school kids we're no longer like.
Party.
party.
party.
Whoa.
i thought we were trying to grow up.
Oh, yeah, and i do always hook up at parties, So this time, to be more mature, Whoever i hook up with, i'm going to marry.
Because i always hook up at parties.
Party! party! Ok, but listen.
Nothing can ruin this party quicker Than an uptight authority figure.
And i know this sounds funny coming from me, the blabbermouth, But please, let's all promise that we won't say a word about this to Sue, they're throwing a party and not inviting you, Because someone said you were some kind of an authority figure.
I don't wanna tell you who it was, but it was Me! i'm such a blabbermouth! Time, date, location.
i know.
I even told her how Larry hung his head When he found out you were coming, Which i was surprised about, Because i always thought he liked you.
I don't know why he would do such a thing.
Well, i will be attending your soiree, But don't tell a soul.
Don't you worry.
my lips are Sue's coming.
sue is coming.
Yes, i just told you that.
Sorry.
i jumped the gun on that one.
Everyone thinks i don't know how to have fun, That i'm the responsible one.
Well, tonight, i'm going to cut loose.
I'm breakin' out the fondue.
Of course, that's kinda messy.
So, happy, there's a party tonight! i want you to clean up! Interpreter, british accent: i shall cleanse my body And be the escort you dream of.
Escort? oh, paddington bear and tea biscuit knickers.
He misunderstands her meaning.
Oh, no.
he's making a horrible mistake.
Your interpreter thinks you're making a horrible mistake.
What's wrong with me? Happy's gonna blow you up! I am such a kiss-ass.
I'm going to get noticed at this party.
I don't care what it takes.
My whole life, i've been mocked or ignored, Like carrie in that eighties movie.
I was even humiliated in front of my entire school.
I can't believe it.
You really think i look like carrie? That blood was supposed to be for me.
I'm tired of bein' the girl without egg on her face.
Well, honey, if you wanna change who you fundamentally are, You've gotta look deep within My wardrobe! Montage.
I come home in the mornin' light My mother says, "when you gon-- Michael sembello: she's a maniac Maniac on the floor Aah! You know what? maybe we're trying too hard to blend genres.
Well, there she is.
Are you gonna ask miracle to the big party? I don't have a chance.
i'm a loser, rember? No, that's perfect.
Miracle always dates a loser After she dates a successful guy, And who's a bigger loser than you? Uh, thanks.
Miracle, i'm, uh, really excited about this party, And i know that i'm kind of a loser, But i was thinking that if you're not going with anyone-- Ennis: hey, miracle.
You, me, party.
No dinner.
no verbs.
I'll bring my bass.
Nice way to ask, you loser.
Ok.
sounds like fun.
Vroom vroom! Oh, yeah.
the bike's not mine, Some rich sophomore's.
I sit on it and go, "vroom vroom," when he's-- Oh, god! here he comes! run! What a loser.
Hmm.
wait up.
Wow.
the loser competition's gonna be A little tougher than i thought.
Yeah, i thought that would be a slam-miss for you.
Well, you could always make her jealous By going with someone else.
Yeah, right.
with who? you? Well, actually you're not too far off.
My sister polly would go out with you in a second.
Well, it's a bit of a crazy scheme, But it is worth a try.
Thanks, best friend.
Oh, no.
that is what i am.
I'm still just the best friend who helps the leading man Come up with a crazy scheme to get the girl.
When do i get my chance to be the leading man? Like dustin hoffman intootsie Or joyce hyser in just one of the guys? Hey, maybe i can be the leading man And have a crazy scheme.
Wow.
now i'm actually wondering How we're gonna fit all this in.
Well, hello.
You must be that handsome hunk of subpoverty-level income My leading man of a brother stuart was filling my ears with.
P- polly? Gotcha! ha ha ha! No, it's me, stuart, But you should have seen your face.
ha ha! Oh, i'll go get the real polly.
Polly, your special visitor is here! Oh, great! i'll be right down! I'm just throwin' a blouse over my boobies.
Well, you must be that loveable loser My stud of a brother was prattling on about.
S- stuart? Stuart? Oh, tee hee.
I suppose we do look a bit alike.
Stuart will find this so amusing.
I'll go tell him.
No, no, no.
stu-- or, polly-- Mm, just-- mm, don't.
Impatient boys don't get treats.
Where are you going? Ok, knock it off, stuart.
I know you're polly.
what? Come on.
you have lipstick on your face.
Wh-- of course i do.
I just kissed my sister good-bye.
She happens to be a very good kisser, Which is something that i would think that you would be grateful for.
I would never pretend to be my own sister.
But you did just that when i came to the door.
You son of a-- Ah heh heh.
wait a minute.
Oh, that must have been polly pretending to be me pretending to be polly.
And all my doctors say i should stay on my medication Or risk putting myself and others in extreme-- I gotta tell polly about this.
She has a very male sense of humor.
And an adam's apple.
Yes, we're all very concerned about that lump.
That's why this date is so important to her.
Don't drive away.
Come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.
Honestly, no sooner do i put this lipstick on Than my brother kisses it right off.
Oh, no.
It's my eve's apple, isn't it? You're worried you'll look like a loser If you're seen with me, aren't you? A loser.
right.
Just the kind of guy miracle is looking for.
Ok, we're gonna go, But we're gonna make this quick.
There.
a little trick i picked up from stuart when he dresses as me.
And don't let him fool you.
He does.
Wow.
this place is amazing.
I keep thinking that when i grow up, i'm gonna get a place-- Aw, crap.
i'm 40.
Still, i thought i had a lot of huey lewis stuff.
This guy's a bigger huey-head than me.
Yeah.
actually, he is huey lewis.
Oh, ding.
You're kidding me.
last thing i heard Wasi want a new drug.
what's he been doin'? He's actually been developing a new drug.
He's been working on something that makes Younger women attracted to older guys.
Does it work? Who knows? i haven't taken it Since before i stopped being attracted to him.
Although i did take one tonight for old time's sake.
Did you say you were 40? I don't know.
i wanted to look young, But all this eighties stuff, It feels so cheesy.
Are you kidding? you're a dish.
And there's nothing people like more than a cheesy dish from the eighties.
Get ready for some of mama sue's Reagan-era government-cheese fondue! Yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
This is your fault, suck-up.
If you hadn't told sue about the party, People would be paying attention to me! My only hope now is booze goggles, but-- I can get booze.
i used to get booze For all the popular kids in high school, But then sue found out, and i had to stop.
Booze? you can get some booze? You can get booze? nice.
booze! Nice! booze! yeah.
nice.
Booze.
yeah.
you gotta get some booze.
Gotta get some.
can you get some? Well, sure.
i can do a booze run.
Booze.
can you get some? Not to brag, but i've got an aarp card, So i get a 7% discount On anything that will kill me faster.
Well, go, man.
go get some jager.
Go get some jagermeister.
Jagermeister.
meister.
Get some meister.
yaygermeister.
Slight problem.
we all rember What happened with my car.
Remember how funny and yet scary that was? Ha! no? Look, just take one of huey's cars.
He buys a car from every movie he does a soundtrack for.
That's the power of love Ok, let's just find miracle and let her see us together.
If anyone asks, you are polly.
Of course i am, larry.
heh.
honestly, i think You're the only person who won't believe me about that.
Hi, stuart.
i'm settin' up The fondue station upstairs.
Please tell me you broke into Some of that vintage government cheese, sue.
Oh, you know i did, stuart.
Who was that? It's sue, our boss.
You responded when she called you stuart By calling her sue.
Of course i did.
If-- sue, is it? Thinks my brother came dressed up as a make-believe sister, I'm not gonna correct her.
Put yourself in my shoes.
Those are stuart's shoes.
That's stuart's whole outfit under your dress.
Impatient boys don't get treats.
You're not a woman.
Oh, did you want proof? Is that what this is about? Is this just some ploy to get me to show you these? Is this real enough for you?! You-- you man! You man, you.
Larry, you're with someone.
I-- i never thought of you that way.
Oh, i'm sorry if it makes you jealous.
No.
i'm just surprised that stuart Took those pills to grow breasts again.
Hi, stuart.
Hi.
pills? We've only got, like, 3 memories, larry.
God, it's like if it's not your flashback, You just tune out.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put some powder On my scro-- varies.
You know, larry, you're like the gay best friend I've always wanted to share my secrets with, And here's my first one.
I'm gonna sleep with ennis tonight.
I know when it's the perfect time to change my tires.
So, you like music? I told you i'm a giant huey lewis fan, so no.
But i don't know.
you think it's ok that we're in his bedroom? Oh, please.
he's as clueless As this crazy woman who claims to be his wife.
heh.
Yeah.
uh, you know, i- i'm gonna go check something.
What am i doing? i can't sleep with her, Because then i'll have to marry her, And then i won't be able to sleep with her again.
I need something to make the incredible feelings That are coursing through my system go away.
Helen! thank god.
No! i'm over here.
Oh, even better.
what are you doing here? Trying to find something to make sue's cheese taste bad.
How 'bout you? Trying to resist miracle, but it's too hard, And it's not fair to my zipper breaker.
No, ennis.
stay with her.
I'd rather not have the competition, Just one night, please.
Oh, there's no competion for you.
You're a talking toilet brush.
That's so unique.
Huey's new drug.
Well, the worst thing that could happen Is that it'd make young people attracted to old.
It's hip to be square Gotta get that jagermeister.
Oh, what's the address of that liquor store? 1-9-4-4 berlin street.
Vhat is the passenworden? Um, i'm looking for jagermeister.
Right this way.
I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick Oh, no.
what a mess.
Well, i said i wasn't going to care tonight.
where's happy? Interpreter: oh, god, this is exactly what i'd feared.
Poor man doesn't realize he's only here to work.
Soon he's certain to be laid low and humiliated.
He'll be needing a drink.
Where the dickens is willard? I'm telling you, you're in danger.
Saturday, normandy beach, they're coming.
Danke,suck-up.
Oh, god, i am.
I'm such a suck-up.
Miracle? ennis? Where the hell are they? He's probably already asked to take her home.
Oh, the things he'll do to her there.
But you can't just give up like the allies did in world war ii.
Hey, everybody, sue's fondue Has got everyone up in a lather.
It's practically an orgy up there.
I want a new drug Ennis, miracle, don't do it! Ennis and miracle? they're down here.
Oh, no.
i gotta stop him.
I can't.
i'm sorry, miracle.
You move too fast.
I need to move slower, like-- like Well, like the pace at which this fondue would travel, Should it be poured off a balcony, say.
Wait! don't put that zipper breaker away just yet.
Maybe you and i could hook up.
I'm sorry.
for some reason, I feel like you're too young for me.
I guess i'm only attracted to older toilet brushes.
Why won't you look at me? Am i so horribly disgusting to you? Kinda, a little bit.
yeah.
Where is that toilet brush? What's the point? i'll never get noticed.
I shouldn't even have tried.
No.
i shouldn't have tried to change you.
Look how foolish it would make me look with bright red hair And tennis balls in my dress.
Zip, please.
And that crazy paint on your lips.
No, forget it.
i'll use mine.
There.
oh, my god.
you're beautiful.
I am?! No, not you.
You.
me? No.
me? Wrong.
me? No.
No.
That's the best-lookin' thing i've seen all night.
I'm not gay, straight, or bi.
I'm a my-sexual.
Oh, great.
once again, I don't get to be the one covered in blood.
Oh, god, i'm so sorry.
I just couldn't let you leave with him.
You did this? I-- i just wanted to be with you tonight.
He's such a jerk.
And i thought you were my gay best friend.
I was going of you.
You're the jerk.
Jerk.
i-i'm not the jerk.
i'm-- I'm the nice guy who's defending her honor.
Actually, that's what i was doing.
That's right.
ennis is the nice guy.
He wouldn't touch me all night.
I wouldn't.
it's true.
i'm nice He's nice.
really nice.
Not like you.
you're the jerk.
You're the jerk.
not him.
I'm nice.
i'm protecting her From making a mistake tonight.
That way, i can use my zipper breaker on her Whenever i want without having to worry about a husband.
Heh heh.
i'm nice.
All: aww.
Don't aww that.
that's not worth an aww.
Oh, they're not awwing that.
they're awwing that.
Interpreter: oh, no.
here it comes, The moment of heartbreak.
So sad to see such an earnest older man such as happy-- Get over here, you gorgeous hunk of over 50.
Oh, my.
i did not see this coming.
He's not the foreigner being asked to work after all.
What's happy sayin'? Where the hell's the guy? get the guy! Oh, kippers upon hasting.
I'm the guy.
it's me.
I'm the oblivious foreigner who thinks he's part of the gang, But has only been invited to work.
I guess none of us are who we thought we were.
i'm the jerk.
And i'm the nice guy.
Who still gets to have sex later.
I'm the dip.
I'm the couple who can't keep their hands off other.
And i'm the flighty girl who flips from guy To girl.
And i'm the best friend.
Guess that means you're still the authority figure, sue.
Actually, i'm the screw-up, Because i forgot to disinvite the parents from the p.
t.
a.
breakfast, And i just got a text that they're on their way.
Oh, no.
and look at this place.
Don't worry.
i've got one last crazy scheme To not only win over the p.
t.
a.
, But also create the greatest memory Any of us will ever recollect.
I just hope there's time.
God, why did we waste so much time [ by YesCool .]
- only for:
How long have we been here, 20 minutes? 2 hours.
God, it's like time is rocketing past us.
Well, we're just gonna have to stay here Until we find a way to win over the p.
t.
a.
again.
After all, they seem to think that someone here embezzled from the fund.
None of you know What "embezzled" means, do you? Isn't it a device that sexes up the dullest of clothing With the excitement of spangles? It means "stole.
" Someone stole it.
Grabber, no grabbing.
This mp3 player is incredible.
I got it with the cash we bedazzled from the p.
t.
a.
Well, i don't know why i'm here.
I already got my rich boyfriend To let us host a p.
t.
a.
breakfast At his house while he's out of town.
He's in show business, So there's always bagels in the freezer.
Although, to be honest, He is getting to be old news.
It does feel like we're stuck in detention, Like those characters from those movies in the eighties.
Those movies were so contrived.
There was always this well-meaning nice guy Who tries so hard to impress the hot, flighty girl.
Wow.
you're so well-meaning to rember that.
But then there's the jerk who has no problem Impressing the girl with his strength, Even though he doesn't have a brain in his-- Desk-breaker.
Well, let's not forget the goofy Best friend of the nice guy Who always comes up with a nutty scheme To help him win the flighty girl back from the-- Hey, why don't we kill ennis But make him move like he's still alive? Ooh.
how 'bout the suck-up who blabs everyone else's secrets? Oh, and, ennis, they wanna kill you And make you move around like you were still alive.
Oh, yeah.
there was always one of those.
We lost him.
I always love the outcast girl, You know, the real dip who nobody notices.
How 'bout the outcast girl, The real dip nobody notices? Oh, right.
please take your hand out of my ass.
I always enjoyed the crazy foreign character.
Of course, these days, we'd never have Such an offensive ethnic stereotype.
Oh, god.
i think we're describing ourselves.
We're just like those high school students In those movies from the eighties.
Well, you know what? it's time to break free from those stereotypes.
Gasp.
the throat-clearing Humorless authority figure's coming.
I see no one has come up with a plan For what we should tell the p.
t.
a.
During this breakfast.
ennis? Ennis thinks he and i Could do a show for the p.
t.
a.
No, we don't.
Oh, ennis, stop being such a fussy gus.
My head really hurts.
That's because there's a song trapped inside.
Don't.
stop.
Thinkin' about tomorrow Fleetwood! So in other words, nobody has anything To present to the p.
t.
a.
Well, i guess that means we'll have to cancel the breakfast.
But won't that mean we're out of the p.
t.
a.
? I suppose so.
You're all free to go.
So that's it? That's all there is? Yeah, that one did seem to wrap up kind of quickly.
That's it? Done by yescool So, good cheesecake, huh? It just seems like we spent so much time Talking about movies from the eighties You'd think something would have come of that.
Well, speaking of the eighties, You remember how tv shows used to show clips of prior episodes To pad when they didn't have enough content? The characters would all sit around remembering things.
Well, who has more memories than we? Why, it seems like just yesterday when careless old stuart here Had gotten into my hormone-replacement capsules and Come on, guys.
let's show the boys What we think of 'em.
jump up and down, everybody! All, synchronized: ha ha! ha ha ha! Of course, the laughs Weren't always at stuart's expense.
Why, i rember the time this one Sat up on a dunk tank and What else? How 'bout the time i got into it with a giant chicken? Ha ha ha ha! I- is there a-- ha! no clip? So that's really all we've done.
Wow.
we gotta make some new memories.
You guys have a minute? Yes! oh, please.
like 16.
Well, i broke up with my boyfriend.
Yay! I mean, "why?" It was because of something you said.
Good.
I mean, "what?" Well, you said we should stop acting Like eighties movies stereotypes.
Well, that's great.
It is time for all of us to grow up.
Well, i'm ready to throw off The shackles of sexual ambiguity And find out what i really am.
I suppose it's like pool.
You don't know if you're stripes or solids Until you get a ball in some hole.
Innuendo.
Well, i'm not really eager to "grow up," Because that basically puts me in the grave, But i'll follow the crowd.
You're right.
I'm ready to stop bein' the girl Anyway it's a good thing That nobody notices.
The p.
t.
a.
brunch got called off.
You're talking.
i got it.
'cause i need the weekend to get my stuff Out of his incredible 1980s-style mansion, Which between you and me, Is practically a shrine to huey lewis.
You know, if you've got the house this weekend And the parents aren't gonna be coming Let's party like the high school kids we're no longer like.
Party.
party.
party.
Whoa.
i thought we were trying to grow up.
Oh, yeah, and i do always hook up at parties, So this time, to be more mature, Whoever i hook up with, i'm going to marry.
Because i always hook up at parties.
Party! party! Ok, but listen.
Nothing can ruin this party quicker Than an uptight authority figure.
And i know this sounds funny coming from me, the blabbermouth, But please, let's all promise that we won't say a word about this to Sue, they're throwing a party and not inviting you, Because someone said you were some kind of an authority figure.
I don't wanna tell you who it was, but it was Me! i'm such a blabbermouth! Time, date, location.
i know.
I even told her how Larry hung his head When he found out you were coming, Which i was surprised about, Because i always thought he liked you.
I don't know why he would do such a thing.
Well, i will be attending your soiree, But don't tell a soul.
Don't you worry.
my lips are Sue's coming.
sue is coming.
Yes, i just told you that.
Sorry.
i jumped the gun on that one.
Everyone thinks i don't know how to have fun, That i'm the responsible one.
Well, tonight, i'm going to cut loose.
I'm breakin' out the fondue.
Of course, that's kinda messy.
So, happy, there's a party tonight! i want you to clean up! Interpreter, british accent: i shall cleanse my body And be the escort you dream of.
Escort? oh, paddington bear and tea biscuit knickers.
He misunderstands her meaning.
Oh, no.
he's making a horrible mistake.
Your interpreter thinks you're making a horrible mistake.
What's wrong with me? Happy's gonna blow you up! I am such a kiss-ass.
I'm going to get noticed at this party.
I don't care what it takes.
My whole life, i've been mocked or ignored, Like carrie in that eighties movie.
I was even humiliated in front of my entire school.
I can't believe it.
You really think i look like carrie? That blood was supposed to be for me.
I'm tired of bein' the girl without egg on her face.
Well, honey, if you wanna change who you fundamentally are, You've gotta look deep within My wardrobe! Montage.
I come home in the mornin' light My mother says, "when you gon-- Michael sembello: she's a maniac Maniac on the floor Aah! You know what? maybe we're trying too hard to blend genres.
Well, there she is.
Are you gonna ask miracle to the big party? I don't have a chance.
i'm a loser, rember? No, that's perfect.
Miracle always dates a loser After she dates a successful guy, And who's a bigger loser than you? Uh, thanks.
Miracle, i'm, uh, really excited about this party, And i know that i'm kind of a loser, But i was thinking that if you're not going with anyone-- Ennis: hey, miracle.
You, me, party.
No dinner.
no verbs.
I'll bring my bass.
Nice way to ask, you loser.
Ok.
sounds like fun.
Vroom vroom! Oh, yeah.
the bike's not mine, Some rich sophomore's.
I sit on it and go, "vroom vroom," when he's-- Oh, god! here he comes! run! What a loser.
Hmm.
wait up.
Wow.
the loser competition's gonna be A little tougher than i thought.
Yeah, i thought that would be a slam-miss for you.
Well, you could always make her jealous By going with someone else.
Yeah, right.
with who? you? Well, actually you're not too far off.
My sister polly would go out with you in a second.
Well, it's a bit of a crazy scheme, But it is worth a try.
Thanks, best friend.
Oh, no.
that is what i am.
I'm still just the best friend who helps the leading man Come up with a crazy scheme to get the girl.
When do i get my chance to be the leading man? Like dustin hoffman intootsie Or joyce hyser in just one of the guys? Hey, maybe i can be the leading man And have a crazy scheme.
Wow.
now i'm actually wondering How we're gonna fit all this in.
Well, hello.
You must be that handsome hunk of subpoverty-level income My leading man of a brother stuart was filling my ears with.
P- polly? Gotcha! ha ha ha! No, it's me, stuart, But you should have seen your face.
ha ha! Oh, i'll go get the real polly.
Polly, your special visitor is here! Oh, great! i'll be right down! I'm just throwin' a blouse over my boobies.
Well, you must be that loveable loser My stud of a brother was prattling on about.
S- stuart? Stuart? Oh, tee hee.
I suppose we do look a bit alike.
Stuart will find this so amusing.
I'll go tell him.
No, no, no.
stu-- or, polly-- Mm, just-- mm, don't.
Impatient boys don't get treats.
Where are you going? Ok, knock it off, stuart.
I know you're polly.
what? Come on.
you have lipstick on your face.
Wh-- of course i do.
I just kissed my sister good-bye.
She happens to be a very good kisser, Which is something that i would think that you would be grateful for.
I would never pretend to be my own sister.
But you did just that when i came to the door.
You son of a-- Ah heh heh.
wait a minute.
Oh, that must have been polly pretending to be me pretending to be polly.
And all my doctors say i should stay on my medication Or risk putting myself and others in extreme-- I gotta tell polly about this.
She has a very male sense of humor.
And an adam's apple.
Yes, we're all very concerned about that lump.
That's why this date is so important to her.
Don't drive away.
Come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.
Honestly, no sooner do i put this lipstick on Than my brother kisses it right off.
Oh, no.
It's my eve's apple, isn't it? You're worried you'll look like a loser If you're seen with me, aren't you? A loser.
right.
Just the kind of guy miracle is looking for.
Ok, we're gonna go, But we're gonna make this quick.
There.
a little trick i picked up from stuart when he dresses as me.
And don't let him fool you.
He does.
Wow.
this place is amazing.
I keep thinking that when i grow up, i'm gonna get a place-- Aw, crap.
i'm 40.
Still, i thought i had a lot of huey lewis stuff.
This guy's a bigger huey-head than me.
Yeah.
actually, he is huey lewis.
Oh, ding.
You're kidding me.
last thing i heard Wasi want a new drug.
what's he been doin'? He's actually been developing a new drug.
He's been working on something that makes Younger women attracted to older guys.
Does it work? Who knows? i haven't taken it Since before i stopped being attracted to him.
Although i did take one tonight for old time's sake.
Did you say you were 40? I don't know.
i wanted to look young, But all this eighties stuff, It feels so cheesy.
Are you kidding? you're a dish.
And there's nothing people like more than a cheesy dish from the eighties.
Get ready for some of mama sue's Reagan-era government-cheese fondue! Yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
This is your fault, suck-up.
If you hadn't told sue about the party, People would be paying attention to me! My only hope now is booze goggles, but-- I can get booze.
i used to get booze For all the popular kids in high school, But then sue found out, and i had to stop.
Booze? you can get some booze? You can get booze? nice.
booze! Nice! booze! yeah.
nice.
Booze.
yeah.
you gotta get some booze.
Gotta get some.
can you get some? Well, sure.
i can do a booze run.
Booze.
can you get some? Not to brag, but i've got an aarp card, So i get a 7% discount On anything that will kill me faster.
Well, go, man.
go get some jager.
Go get some jagermeister.
Jagermeister.
meister.
Get some meister.
yaygermeister.
Slight problem.
we all rember What happened with my car.
Remember how funny and yet scary that was? Ha! no? Look, just take one of huey's cars.
He buys a car from every movie he does a soundtrack for.
That's the power of love Ok, let's just find miracle and let her see us together.
If anyone asks, you are polly.
Of course i am, larry.
heh.
honestly, i think You're the only person who won't believe me about that.
Hi, stuart.
i'm settin' up The fondue station upstairs.
Please tell me you broke into Some of that vintage government cheese, sue.
Oh, you know i did, stuart.
Who was that? It's sue, our boss.
You responded when she called you stuart By calling her sue.
Of course i did.
If-- sue, is it? Thinks my brother came dressed up as a make-believe sister, I'm not gonna correct her.
Put yourself in my shoes.
Those are stuart's shoes.
That's stuart's whole outfit under your dress.
Impatient boys don't get treats.
You're not a woman.
Oh, did you want proof? Is that what this is about? Is this just some ploy to get me to show you these? Is this real enough for you?! You-- you man! You man, you.
Larry, you're with someone.
I-- i never thought of you that way.
Oh, i'm sorry if it makes you jealous.
No.
i'm just surprised that stuart Took those pills to grow breasts again.
Hi, stuart.
Hi.
pills? We've only got, like, 3 memories, larry.
God, it's like if it's not your flashback, You just tune out.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put some powder On my scro-- varies.
You know, larry, you're like the gay best friend I've always wanted to share my secrets with, And here's my first one.
I'm gonna sleep with ennis tonight.
I know when it's the perfect time to change my tires.
So, you like music? I told you i'm a giant huey lewis fan, so no.
But i don't know.
you think it's ok that we're in his bedroom? Oh, please.
he's as clueless As this crazy woman who claims to be his wife.
heh.
Yeah.
uh, you know, i- i'm gonna go check something.
What am i doing? i can't sleep with her, Because then i'll have to marry her, And then i won't be able to sleep with her again.
I need something to make the incredible feelings That are coursing through my system go away.
Helen! thank god.
No! i'm over here.
Oh, even better.
what are you doing here? Trying to find something to make sue's cheese taste bad.
How 'bout you? Trying to resist miracle, but it's too hard, And it's not fair to my zipper breaker.
No, ennis.
stay with her.
I'd rather not have the competition, Just one night, please.
Oh, there's no competion for you.
You're a talking toilet brush.
That's so unique.
Huey's new drug.
Well, the worst thing that could happen Is that it'd make young people attracted to old.
It's hip to be square Gotta get that jagermeister.
Oh, what's the address of that liquor store? 1-9-4-4 berlin street.
Vhat is the passenworden? Um, i'm looking for jagermeister.
Right this way.
I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick Oh, no.
what a mess.
Well, i said i wasn't going to care tonight.
where's happy? Interpreter: oh, god, this is exactly what i'd feared.
Poor man doesn't realize he's only here to work.
Soon he's certain to be laid low and humiliated.
He'll be needing a drink.
Where the dickens is willard? I'm telling you, you're in danger.
Saturday, normandy beach, they're coming.
Danke,suck-up.
Oh, god, i am.
I'm such a suck-up.
Miracle? ennis? Where the hell are they? He's probably already asked to take her home.
Oh, the things he'll do to her there.
But you can't just give up like the allies did in world war ii.
Hey, everybody, sue's fondue Has got everyone up in a lather.
It's practically an orgy up there.
I want a new drug Ennis, miracle, don't do it! Ennis and miracle? they're down here.
Oh, no.
i gotta stop him.
I can't.
i'm sorry, miracle.
You move too fast.
I need to move slower, like-- like Well, like the pace at which this fondue would travel, Should it be poured off a balcony, say.
Wait! don't put that zipper breaker away just yet.
Maybe you and i could hook up.
I'm sorry.
for some reason, I feel like you're too young for me.
I guess i'm only attracted to older toilet brushes.
Why won't you look at me? Am i so horribly disgusting to you? Kinda, a little bit.
yeah.
Where is that toilet brush? What's the point? i'll never get noticed.
I shouldn't even have tried.
No.
i shouldn't have tried to change you.
Look how foolish it would make me look with bright red hair And tennis balls in my dress.
Zip, please.
And that crazy paint on your lips.
No, forget it.
i'll use mine.
There.
oh, my god.
you're beautiful.
I am?! No, not you.
You.
me? No.
me? Wrong.
me? No.
No.
That's the best-lookin' thing i've seen all night.
I'm not gay, straight, or bi.
I'm a my-sexual.
Oh, great.
once again, I don't get to be the one covered in blood.
Oh, god, i'm so sorry.
I just couldn't let you leave with him.
You did this? I-- i just wanted to be with you tonight.
He's such a jerk.
And i thought you were my gay best friend.
I was going of you.
You're the jerk.
Jerk.
i-i'm not the jerk.
i'm-- I'm the nice guy who's defending her honor.
Actually, that's what i was doing.
That's right.
ennis is the nice guy.
He wouldn't touch me all night.
I wouldn't.
it's true.
i'm nice He's nice.
really nice.
Not like you.
you're the jerk.
You're the jerk.
not him.
I'm nice.
i'm protecting her From making a mistake tonight.
That way, i can use my zipper breaker on her Whenever i want without having to worry about a husband.
Heh heh.
i'm nice.
All: aww.
Don't aww that.
that's not worth an aww.
Oh, they're not awwing that.
they're awwing that.
Interpreter: oh, no.
here it comes, The moment of heartbreak.
So sad to see such an earnest older man such as happy-- Get over here, you gorgeous hunk of over 50.
Oh, my.
i did not see this coming.
He's not the foreigner being asked to work after all.
What's happy sayin'? Where the hell's the guy? get the guy! Oh, kippers upon hasting.
I'm the guy.
it's me.
I'm the oblivious foreigner who thinks he's part of the gang, But has only been invited to work.
I guess none of us are who we thought we were.
i'm the jerk.
And i'm the nice guy.
Who still gets to have sex later.
I'm the dip.
I'm the couple who can't keep their hands off other.
And i'm the flighty girl who flips from guy To girl.
And i'm the best friend.
Guess that means you're still the authority figure, sue.
Actually, i'm the screw-up, Because i forgot to disinvite the parents from the p.
t.
a.
breakfast, And i just got a text that they're on their way.
Oh, no.
and look at this place.
Don't worry.
i've got one last crazy scheme To not only win over the p.
t.
a.
, But also create the greatest memory Any of us will ever recollect.
I just hope there's time.
God, why did we waste so much time [ by YesCool .]
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