SMILF (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [SWING MUSIC.]
Daydreaming And night scheming Let my mind wander Where it may Bridgette Bird gets the rebound Fifteen seconds left on the clock.
The Celtics they're down by two.
She drives right, she spins left.
She goes up for a jumper.
Oh, she scores! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- The crowd goes wild! But she was fouled! Oh The pressure's on.
If you make this you're the starting shooting guard of the Celtics.
If you miss you're a big, fat loser.
Oh! And Bridgette Bird goes from college dropout to champion her family must be so proud.
Whoa hey, whoa! That's my stuff! Hey, hey, hey, hey! That's my son's iPad! Hey, I need that Shit.
Hey, come back here.
Hey, come back here! Oh, thank you.
Will you help me down? Thank you Wait Hey Uh Stop! Hey [GRUNTS.]
Those are my Jordans! [PANTING.]
Wait, I'm a single mom! [LIGHT MUSIC.]
And I was an orphan Till you came along I was an orphan Till you came along Life wasn't so fun In fact, it was wrong But all that's left to do is Hold on [WHISTLING.]
[BRIDGE.]
Hi.
Can I get - four black and white cookies? - Sure.
Thanks.
[DOOR BELL JANGLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[INAUDIBLE.]
Thank you.
[CLATTERING.]
Were you guys at the park last night? Here.
I think I just saw the kids who robbed me.
What? Let's go get him.
[HUFFS.]
There's like six of them.
So? We can take 'em.
I dunno.
What are we gonna do? They took your fucking shoes! What? You want me to go beat someone up? [SIGHS.]
I'll get you some new shoes, Bridge.
[GROANS.]
Uhh Here.
[SOFTLY.]
Thanks.
- What's up with you? - Bullshit.
Why? You know, I was at church with my dad.
Our routine allowance exchange.
It's pathetic.
It's humiliating.
Can't he just put it in the mail? You know, he says that he's gonna support me through grad school, right? - Yeah.
- But the only way that I get support from my fucking dad is if I go to a church service? Why not just support me? He has the money to do it.
This is the last time that I'm taking anything from him.
- I can do this shit on my own.
- Mm-hmm.
- You say this every week.
- I do say this every week.
I'd go to church for the allowance.
- Bullshit! - I'd go to a Protestant church, I'd go to a Catholic church.
I'd even go to - a Jehovah's Witness church - You know what? Come with me next week.
I'll give you half of my allowance.
- Deal! - Bullshit.
Look at her.
Startin' 'em young - with the false beliefs.
- Yep.
Wonder Woman is just as much of a lie as Barbie.
- A-men, sistah.
- Yep.
Yep.
- [GROANS.]
Uhhhhh! - What about you? You okay? Not really.
I'm just gonna block the whole Craigslist thing out.
I mean, well, you can't block it out.
You was kind of sexually assaulted.
- Poof it's gone.
- You know what? It's the system.
- System's keeping us down.
- Always.
Keeping you down more, I guess.
Especially me! I just wish I didn't have a pussy to grab.
Well, maybe you need like a chastity belt.
Like in "Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
" I pee too much.
What is happening here? She can't get out.
[SMALL LAUGH.]
[BRIDGE.]
Oh, man, she is getting real mad.
- Look at her.
- [ELIZA.]
So pissed.
Should we go help her? - No - Nothing we can do.
Let's go get Larry.
He'll make us feel better.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
All right, let's go.
[HONKING HORN.]
[BRIDGE.]
That's the spirit.
Cows and pigs and - [LARRY.]
A farm! - [RAFI.]
A farm! - [RAFI LAUGHS.]
- [NELSON.]
Draw something - for me? - [RAFI.]
I love you, baba.
- [RAFI.]
He's cute, right? - Hey, guys.
Hi, baby! [ELIZA.]
Hi, Lar-Lar.
Are you all right? I heard they mugged you.
- [BRIDGE.]
I'm fine.
- [RAFI.]
Yeah, you can't go out there late by yourself.
You know better than that.
Sorry.
I got inspired.
It won't happen again.
Yo, bro, Muscle Man Mud Run.
It's a wicked hard obstacle course.
Will I look like you when I finish? - I'm tellin' ya.
- Is it for guys only? - [TOBY.]
No, it's not.
- Then why'd you only - hand it to the guy? - [TOBY.]
All right, look Here, take some? Raising money for the VA, you know.
Support our troops.
For a good cause.
Let me see this.
You know what, how come that guy can walk around - without a shirt on? - I would love to spend a day with the confidence of a mediocre white guy.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I've always wanted to do one of these.
- Shut the fuck up.
- What? It's strong and powerful, and and strong and powerful women are super on trend right now, so Mm, I'm not really interested in being on trend.
[RAFI.]
I don't think it's a good idea, guys.
I can't have Larry's mom breaking a bone, and you, baby, I-I don't want you to get hurt.
What do you mean, you can't have me breaking a bone? I don't think it's a good idea, I What, is it, like, up to you if I break a bone or not? I just don't want you walking around all crutched up, you know what I'm sayin'? You know what? Fuck you.
And fuck those dude bros.
I'm done with shit getting done to us.
We're doin' this.
"We"? We are doin' this.
Fuck it.
If I can eat through my lap-band You can do anything.
- [ELIZA.]
Yes! - [BRIDGE.]
Oh, yeah! - [NELSON.]
Muscle Man! - [BRIDGE.]
That's right! - Now we can go topless! - [ELIZA.]
Yeah! - Muscle Man! - [ELIZA.]
Muscle man! What the fuck did we just agree to do? I don't know.
It's like we're in a bad Goldie Hawn movie from the '80s.
I don't go to the gym.
- I don't work out! - I know, what I'm gonna deal with my pussy grab by dong a mud run? I don't know! You agreed to it too.
Yeah, because I fuckin' hate Rafi, and I'm not about to be the fat black girl who backs outta doing something physical fuck that! Well, uh, it's better than what I normally do, just eat and porn and eat more and more and more and then porn I mean, that's what I normally do - it's eat, and then I porn.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I'm gonna do a mud run.
- We're gonna do a mud run.
- We're gonna do a mud run.
- Gonna do a fuckin' mud run.
I mean, you're the one who said you wanted to be a confident white dude.
Yeah, and there's nothing more straight and confident and whiter than a motherfuckin' mud run.
[EXHALES.]
So let's just be fuckin' men for a day.
Let's be fuckin' men for a day.
- So you're in? - Yeah, I'm in.
I'm in.
All right, I'm gonna go to store and get us some protein bars or whatever else the fuck men eat.
Right.
Get some whole milk, beef jerky spam.
I'm just gonna get protein bars.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
A chica mejicanita A chica, wiki-chicita A chica, girl bonitama Chicky-chi chicky-chi chicky-cha A chica mejicanita [SINGING CONTINUES.]
Ma'am.
[SMALL LAUGH.]
Can I help you with something? Yeah.
You can tell me how you got the most goddamn beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
[EXHALES.]
Wh Wow[LAUGHS.]
um Thank you.
Uh I d Probably from my dad.
'Cause my mom has blue eyes, so I don't think Shh, shh, shh.
You are prettier than you know.
- Well [LAUGHS.]
- And I have always wanted to learn how to use one of these Ken.
That's that's my name.
That's my name.
Mmm.
It's a beautiful name.
Thank you.
It's I, uh it's birth.
It was I was given it at birth.
Gonna teach me? You wanna go teach me? In the b In the back of the store? - Mm-hmm.
- I could Um[HIGH VOICE.]
I could probably do that.
Jesus, you are strong.
Yeah? Huh, you like that? - [KEN.]
[GRUNTS.]
Uhh! - [BRIDGE.]
Ah - [KEN.]
Ohh - Strong like a stallion.
- [KEN.]
Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah, like a Clydesdale.
Like the Budweiser horse.
- [BRIDGE.]
You know? - [KEN.]
Yeah, I fuckin' know.
- [KEN.]
That's fuckin' hot.
- [BRIDGE NEIGHS.]
- [KEN.]
Oh, my God! - [BRIDGE GROANING.]
Are you my underage little bitch whore? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm your little bitch whore.
- With a tight little dick? - Yeah, this underaged whore's - tight little dick - You got a tight little dick? - It's so tight.
- You got a tight little dick? - It's so tight - Tight little dick? - Now, come for me, bitch.
- I'm coming I'm coming - Come for me, bitch.
- I'm coming, coming, coming - I'm finishing - Uhh! [BOTH MOANING.]
Ah ah ah You didn't just come in me, did you? Ohh! You didn't tell me not to Was I not supposed to? Get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out.
- Get it out.
- Ohh [GROANS.]
Get it out.
Get it out, get it out.
Get it out.
- Ole! - Oh, look at this, Bridge.
- Look at this.
- What? Your figure would look so adorable in this.
I'm done with dresses.
I just need sneakers for the mud run, and that's it.
The mud run again? It's like like some army man thing you really wanna do? Yeah.
And I want Larry to come and watch me cross the finish line, too.
Yeah.
Is that why you wanna do the whole thing, - because of him? - Yeah.
And I'm trying - to get in shape, you know? - Yeah.
- Got this WNBA tryout.
- Oh, Bridgette, come on.
Not that bullshit again.
- What do you mean? - Honey, how long you gonna have this little WNBA fantasy goin'? - It's enough! - I just wish you could at least pretend to support me.
I support you every single day, honey.
- I pray for you.
- Yeah? What do you say.
I say, "Dear Heavenly Father, please protect my Bridget.
"She's a little lost.
She's like a sheep.
- Please guide her towards" - I'm a sheep.
Okay.
I'm a sheep.
You're a beautiful sheep, Bridge.
- I didn't say you were a pig.
- I'd rather be a pig.
- Than a sheep? - Yeah.
'Cause pigs are smart.
Yeah, well, you know what, sheeps can make clothing.
Pigs can only make bacon, and Jewish people don't even eat that.
[TUTU SIGHS.]
Bridgette.
- What? - You should try praying.
I'm not gonna pray.
I'm not gonna pray to God.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, you know what? You tell that to God, because he carried that guy across the sand, and there was one set of footprints, Bridgette.
- Remember that.
- That's the dumbest thing - I've ever heard.
- Then, here, how 'about this? You pray to the Virgin Mother.
- She's my favorite.
- [WOMAN.]
Mine too.
Mothers cannot be virgins.
[WOMAN.]
Well, Mary can she was blessed by the Holy Spirit.
Mary was forced to have that baby.
- [TUTU GASPS.]
Bridgette! - [BRIDGE.]
I'm sorry, but Matthew and Luke and whoever did some stuff to her I don't wanna hear it, Bridgette.
And then called it an "angel" baby.
Okay, listen to me.
That is the mother of God - you're talkin' about.
- Now we're all stuck praying to this "angel baby.
" - What are you talkin' about? - I am on Mary's side.
- I am Team Mary.
- There are no teams.
Yeah.
- There are no teams in the Bible.
- There are teams.
You are helping them get away with it.
Bridgette, it's just blasphemous, that's what it is, and I don't really like it.
[BRIDGETTE SIGHS.]
I am sorry to break it to you, but there's not some old bearded guy in the sky watching over us.
[TUTU.]
You know, this extra-large is not even an extra.
Chinese people are so tiny.
- [MAN BREATHING HARD.]
- [RAPID RUSTLING SOUND.]
When they make this in the sweatshops, they don't have any accurate idea of size.
Ey ey ey [CONTINUES RAPPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Uhh uhh Uhh! [DUMBBELLS THUD.]
[BREATHING HARD.]
What's up, man? - What's up? - How's it goin'? Friend of Bill's.
Monday night.
Men's stag meeting.
Oh, yeah! - [CLAPS.]
- What's up, man? - Good to see you, bro.
- Yeah, I'm Eddie.
- I'm Rafi, man.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
It's always good to see to see another - sober brother, brother.
- Yeah.
Right on.
What're ya doing today? Uh, a little back, shoulders.
- Back, shoulders? - Yeah.
All right, I'll see you in there.
- Yeah, see you in there.
- All right, cool.
Hey.
- Hey.
- You again.
You're a priest? Yeah.
I am.
That's cool, man.
So, uh how much time ya got? Thirty days.
Before, I had a year.
No one knows I slipped.
I'm gonna do it this time.
I don't doubt it.
How 'bout you? How much time you got? Thirteen years.
Thirteen years? - Yeah.
- How? You know one day at a time.
No, no, no.
I get all that shit.
But how? Well, you know, honestly, I think it wasn't until till I committed to the church, it really clicked for me.
Mmm.
Corinthians over Courvoisier.
Maybe I gotta get back in the church.
Think it'd be really good for my son.
You know, we, uh we have a really great kids' program.
Still mad at myself I didn't get him baptized.
Oh, it's never too late.
Well, it's it's complicated.
It's his mom.
She's not really a believer.
Ah.
Well, you know, you can just explain to her alcoholism's genetic.
No harm in getting a little extra divine protection.
Yeah, 'cause this shit I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Yeah, man, I get it.
Well, think about it, man.
You can, uh, - hit me up on Insta.
- Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
- I'm @godguy42.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Amen to that.
- You have a great - rest of your day.
- You too.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[RAFI.]
Hey, B.
So you know what - I was thinkin'? - What? I was thinking we start going to church.
Like a little family? Yeah, I miss it.
- I love that idea.
- You do? - Yeah! - You're so cute.
You're an innocent angel.
I'm not that innocent.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I've been to Amsterdam.
- Oh.
- And Kit-Kat calls me the little devil when I drink too much vodka.
- So - [CHUCKLING.]
Pretty much a bad-ass.
You make me a better person, you know that? You really do.
I have to tell you something.
What? Well, when I was at the doctor, um, Bridge kinda had me vaccinate Larry.
What the fuck, man? I'm so sorry, I just I didn't know what to do.
It's been killing me inside, but I wanted to tell you, but then I didn't wanna betray Bridge's trust or anything, and I was just I was just in a pickle, and I just I don't know.
And I'm really sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- I know, baby, no, no, no, no.
It's okay, it's okay, relax, relax.
- It's all right.
- I'm sorry.
I just can't believe Bridgette would put you in that fucked-up position.
That's fucked up.
It's not your fault.
She does that.
I didn't want Larry to get vaccinated.
Baby, come here, come here, come here.
- Don't I know.
- I didn't want him - to be vaccinated.
- I know.
Don't beat yourself up, okay? It's like she she doesn't see me as an equal.
You know? I am Larry's father.
So fuck it.
I'm gonna make a decision for once.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
What? Hey, Tutu.
Here to pick up Larry.
No.
I just got him outta the bath.
I'm goin' to see Bridgette and her friend.
They're doin' some obstacle thing.
But I'm his father, and I wanna see my son.
You're the king of bad timing, kid.
We got plans.
And why're you wearin' a suit? 'Cause I'm taking Larry to get baptized.
- You are not.
- Yes, I am! - Bullshit.
- I'm takin' him to get baptized.
Yes, I am.
Look at you you're all of a sudden a man? You're gonna take on Bridge like this over a big issue? She can't stop me.
And you can't stop me.
For real? Okay, uh Let me get him dressed, and we'll take my car.
Okay, Rafi? Liza, you up? Gonna be late.
Habibi's "Tomboy" She's a tomboy, tomboy Got herself an ego, ego Yeah, she's a tomboy, tomboy She's a supervillain's hero Eliza, you gotta get up.
Yeah, she's a tomboy, tomboy Got herself an ego, ego Yeah, she's a tomboy, tomboy She's a supervillain's hero, hero Yeah What she has she wants more of What she don't got, don't show her If she asks you for a lighter Please just act like you don't know her She's a tomboy, tomboy Got herself an ego, ego Yeah, she's a tomboy, tomboy She's a supervillain's hero, hero Yeah, she's a tomboy, tomboy She's got herself an ego, ego Yeah, she's a tomboy, tomboy [MEN GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY.]
Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah! [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
- Guys - [MEN.]
Yah, yah, yah, yah! Okay, there's a lotta cock here today.
[NELSON.]
Hey, come on, we're gonna show these ass boys that we are strong and belong at this thing! [CLINTON.]
Welcome, Muscle Men! - [ALL.]
Hoorah! - Now, today we are going to do what we trained a whole year to do.
- A year? - So I hope you had your breakfast filled with protein and testosterone and balls.
Now, who has big balls? - I do! - Thank you, lady! She does! Now, some of you - are not gonna make it.
- He's exaggerating, right? I actually read on a fitness blog that a Muscle Man died on "Walk the Plank" last year.
Yeah, and that guy was in shape, so seriously might wanna think about it.
What are you trying to say, that we can't make it? - Suck my dick.
- [CLINTON.]
This course - is mine.
- Bridge, what's with the bulge? Makes me feel confident.
Like this guy.
Good.
'Cause I don't think I can do this.
Yeah, not with that pussy-ass attitude.
Time for you to man the fuck up and grow a pair.
Or we can encourage each other.
[CLINTON.]
Now, Muscle Men go! - [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- [MEN YELLING.]
[WOMEN YELLING.]
- [ELIZA.]
Is this happening? - [NELSON.]
It's happening! Hey now Welcome.
Baptism is the first act of prayer for a young soul.
So it is an honor.
Please, I'd like to welcome the family up.
[ MELLOW SONG CONTINUES.]
This isn't a spa! It's not a mud bath! It's a Muscle Man! [NELSON.]
Move it, move it! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
Sweet nips.
I like my bitches dirty.
Uh what did you just say? I will cut you.
Young Fathers' "Only God Knows" Shedding more blood than we are bleedin' Oh, Eliza! Wake up, wake up.
Okay, here we go.
Dear Lord, we are gathered before you here today as you set free Larry Bird from original sin.
And now, may Larry be a witness to us all.
Eyes on the leaders Only God knows, only, only God knows Only God knows, only God knows [SINGERS VOCALIZING.]
Only God knows where your wife is sleeping - [ELIZA.]
Come on, Bridge! - [NELSON.]
You can do it! [ELIZA.]
Come on, Bridge! [WOMEN WHOOPING.]
I think I'm stuck.
- [NELSON.]
Oh, no.
- [ELIZA.]
Shit.
I think my my dick is stuck.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
I gotta get the dick out.
[ELIZA.]
Come on, Bridge, you can do this.
[ELIZA.]
You can do it, you can do it.
[ELIZA.]
If I can do it, you can.
[MAN.]
Come on, let's go [NELSON.]
You've got it, honey, you're nearly there! [GRUNTING.]
[WOMEN CHEERING.]
[EDDIE.]
I now baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
- Amen.
- [ALL.]
Amen.
[WHISPERS.]
Edmond.
Gate of Heaven Church welcomes Larry Bird! [APPLAUSE.]
- - [BRIDGE.]
Oh, shit.
Mm-mm.
Pass.
No, we gotta do it.
Come on, it's the last one.
- We gotta do it.
- No, we don't.
I feel empowered.
We we we did the mud and the log and shit, - and I'm done.
- Yeah.
- Fuck that! - N'aw I think it's, uh, there's no shame in not being electrocuted.
[BRIDGE.]
For little girls everywhere, I must go.
Hey now When it's time to die The world will cry [BRIDGE.]
Oh! Shit! [MELLOW MUSIC.]
[BRIDGE.]
God? Is that you? Yes it's me.
Nelson.
Nelson Rose.
So come with me Come with me Come with me Come with me As we are born I can feel the spirits rising in my body One set of footprints.
Hey, uh, thank you for saving me.
That's what I'm here for.
Gotta go get Eliza now.
Okay.
I'm gonna go find Larry.
Where is Larry? Come with me Come with me Come with me Come with me - [BRIDGE.]
Oof.
- [ELIZA.]
Shit.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, God.
Oh, no, it's bad.
It's real bad.
[BRIDGE.]
Hey, Joe.
Where's Ma? She's not answering her phone.
She's at Sam's Diner with you and Larry.
What? No, I was running a race.
She was supposed to bring Larry to cheer me on.
All's I know is she said everybody was goin' to Sam's Diner to celebrate Larry's baptism.
Are you fucking kidding me? That is so fucked up! - Bridge.
- Larry's baptism? Oh I can't I don't fucking believe it.
Your family gets on my fuckin' nerves.
- Honestly.
- Don't tell your mother - about the smokin'.
- [ELIZA.]
I'm tellin'.
[JOE.]
Please? - He did so good, right? - The best baby ever.
[LAUGHS.]
[TUTU.]
Okay, all right, here comes Mommy.
Call the police, call the police I can't fuckin' believe you.
And I can't fucking believe you.
- Hi! Come on! - Right - Okay, fuck you and fuck you.
- [TUTU.]
You stop.
You know what, this is so fucked up! - Relax, Bridge! - And fuck you.
Relax? - Bridge! - You tell me to fuckin' relax? - No.
- [TUTU.]
Bridgette.
Here, take him.
- Why are you so mad? - 'Cause I'm fuckin' done - with you! - What? I'm so fuckin' sick of you doing shit behind my back.
You're the one that forced my girlfriend to get Larry vaccinated behind my back! I didn't force her to do shit, okay? and that makes your girlfriend a snitch.
That's not the point.
Leave her out of this.
I'm so sorry that your mom fucked you up so bad that you go from one woman telling you what to do - to the next.
- What the fuck, man? I'd do anything for you.
You call me to be there for Larry, I'm there for you.
You want me to meet you at the hospital, I meet you at the hospital.
What do you want? - Oh, you want a prize? - You ask me to be there - for Larry I'm there for you! - To show up to be a dad? Huh? Oh, I know what you want aww.
Mommy's so proud of you.
Stop talking about my mom! I wasn't.
I just want you to be happy, Bridge! I'm happy.
I just want you to stop fucking lying to me.
- I'm not lying to you.
- Oh, what the fuck is this? I can't fucking talk to you.
Every time I fucking try to talk to you, - look how you act! - You just baptized my kid behind my back! I didn't - I had no idea! - What about the vaccinations? - What do you think? - It's different! He was supposed to be there at the finish line.
You sit there on your high horse all the time and you're always fucking looking down on me like you're so much fuckin' better than me.
- Well - Well, how's the view? - It's great.
It's great.
- By yourself? Alone? I have a great view.
Thank you for asking.
You're so fucked up.
You're not as good as you think you are.
Mm-hmm.
Eliza.
Look.
Hey, look who it is! Hi, baby, hi! Hi! I missed you today.
So, good news, they gave me a dozen free glazes, assuming that I was homeless, 'cause I'm dirty! - Gimme one.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Let's go.
- Let's go home, eat our feelings.
[UPBEAT SWING MUSIC.]
Angry words so lightly spoken Angry words Will never pay Angry words Our love lay broken