Solar Opposites (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
Terry, will you hand me the deatomizer?
The Phillips one.
The booster manifold is misaligned.
Man, hey, I took this quiz to find out
what Jet-Skis fit my personality
and turns out, all of them do.
Look at this.
- KORVO: Ah, Terry, help!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my beautiful body.
- Oh, God.
Put me in the thing, Terry.
Put me in the medical thing.
I don't I don't know
what you're talking about.
- The thing with the red light.
- What thing, which thing, what thing?
- Which thing? Point to the thing.
- Right there.
Oh, God, I'm slipping away.
My one regret.
I didn't read enough manuals.
Tell everyone you know
to take the time to read more manuals
or they'll regret
Ah!
[pained groans]
[machine beeping, whirring]
[ding]
[air hissing]
That didn't seem too bad, honestly.
You are so annoying.
I'm up there doing dangerous work.
- You have to be careful.
- I already said
that it didn't seem too bad.
What else do you need, man?
We're supposed to be
working together to survive,
- and you, you just, you make it worse.
- All right, look, breathe.
The only thing that matters
is today we're gettin' a Jet-Ski.
By this afternoon, we're gonna be
jumpin' the wake,
gleamin' the cube, dockin' the dog.
Bologna sandwich in one hand,
and a, and a Mountain Dew in the other.
Oh, I have been looking forward
to the gleaming the cube part.
I've gleamed many items before,
but never a cube.
It's gonna be fun in the sun
from now on.
A Jet-Ski is exactly
what you need to relax.
You're right.
I-I need to stop stressing out so much.
I'm gooblering more than Zortex
at the Camoodian Eve parade.
Poof, whatever that means.
Why are your jeans in the freezer?
Jen Garner had an Insta all about
cleaning your jeans like freezing sushi.
How am I supposed to enjoy
the one Diet Dr. Pepper
I allow myself a day
with blue fucking ice cubes?
[yells]
[retches]
Um, hey, little fella.
[screams]
Get fucked!
- What the hell was that?
- A red goobler.
What, what do the red ones do?
I don't know.
KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me?
This, this is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
Everyone claims to like old people
but they're not fucking them.
I fuck old people all the time.
They love me.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
Hey, at lunch, do you wanna
see what happens
if we drink all the sodas at once?
There's a Coke Zero chance
I wanna do that.
I have to focus on getting in
with the cool kids.
There's an opening
at their lunch table now.
- Ricky Smalling's in an iron lung.
- Ricky was super cool.
He was dating two of the Stacis.
Each Staci is worth like ten Rebeccas.
You think you can fill that power vacuum?
My plan is to just slip into the seat,
do nothing,
then eventually, it'll seem normal
that I'm there.
- It worked for Hulu.
- Hopefully, they'll invite me
to Cooper Barn's party
and I'll learn so much about humanity.
Because that's the only reason
I'm doing it. You know, for science.
Keep your mouth shut.
Don't ruin this for me.
Well, if you're getting in with them,
I'm getting in with the Stacis.
[quietly]
'Cause I'm afraid of them.
Okay, so I'm paraphrasing here.
You know I love when
you motherfucking paraphrase.
- Give it to me, baby.
- Most gooblers are passive non-verbal
stress creatures who dance and sing
and wander off
to go see the world or whatever they do.
The red gooblers only appear
every 100,000th goobler.
I knew you gooblered too much.
[shouting]
Why are you always so stressed?
Why, why, why?
Come on, tell me, man.
- Why? Tell me.
- Red gooblers are lethal.
Their sole goal in life
is to kill the host
either by direct violence
or by stressing them out so much
that their body goes into something
called fetal shock.
It's where your brain turns into
a baby and then you die.
- Well, good luck with that, baby brain.
- This is your fault.
At least half of these gooblers
were because of stupid shit you've done.
Okay, okay, look.
Don't make another red goobler.
He probably already forgot
about you anyway. Gooblers are dumb.
[tapping on glass]
- "I'm going to mill you"?
- Oh, my God.
- I think he means kill.
- [cackles]
[dramatic music playing]
♪
[school bell rings]
All right, some of you may have
noticed you're going through changes.
Like Paul over here.
It's okay, Paul.
Puberty is something
that happens to all of us.
It's completely natural
and if you're like me, comes very early.
I mean, I'm not ashamed to admit
I got my period at six years old.
Oh, no.
Oh, oh.
[gasps]
Puberty!
[gasps] Staci K.
[gasps] Staci F.
Staci G. is out.
She went into the woods
to look for Slenderman.
Ugh, she's such a slut for Slenderman.
What the fuck are you doing
in our bathroom, weirdo?
First, I'm gonna make up
a mean nickname for you.
And then, she's gonna force you
to eat a tampon.
I've been slow cooking it all day.
- [whispers] In my vagina.
- Uh
uh, oh!
[both gasp]
Wow, you are, like, so beautiful.
I'm sure you get asked this all the time,
but can I touch your face?
Uh, I do not get asked that
all the time, and yeah.
Touch away, Staci K.
- Aiden, Braden, Jaeden, Mark.
- Dude, that's Ricky's seat.
Was Ricky's seat.
So I'm at Benihana with my parents,
and my Juul dies.
And I'm like, oh, shit.
But then I realize,
I can just vape the onion steam.
Hey, you guys.
Cool headphones.
What are you listening to?
The sex?
[quietly]
I need to tell you something.
Ugh, this table's weak now.
Let's go recharge our headphones
and jerk off.
All right, fellas, keep it tight.
I love you.
I mean, okay.
You just blew that for me!
I was totally in.
This is my cool kid table.
You gotta find your own
cool kids to hang with.
- Like, those guys.
- Those are cool kids?
Yeah. I heard Lady Gaga wore
that same cone to the Latin Grammys.
So awesome.
Good luck.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
Okay, you ready?
We gotta meet the guy
selling us the Jet-Ski in an hour.
His name is Trent.
I mean, how Trent is that?
Yes, Terry, I'm almost finished
fortifying the house
in case that
little red butthole comes back.
Oh, right, yeah, I should probably
seal up all my hidden doors then.
- What hidden doors?
- I only have a couple, don't worry.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
Terry, that Wetzel's is a money pit.
It doesn't have any foot traffic.
It takes a year for a business
to be profitable, okay?
But free pretzel day
is right around the corner.
[dramatic music playing]
[screeching]
[gunshot]
[clamoring]
- Hey, watch the nose. It's new.
- Fuck you, Craig.
Listen to me.
You're not gonna believe this.
I just had such a good experience
with two girls in the bathroom,
- and it's all because of this.
- Nobody cares.
What the hell is that?
That's what I've
been trying to tell you.
It's my special flower.
[uplifting music playing]
♪
- I'm sorry I hit you in the nads, man.
- No.
I'm sorry I called your mom fat.
I know she just got stung
by a bunch of bees.
- You did this.
- Yep, totally her fault.
Should we bully her until she decides
to pursue a career in the arts?
No, man, she's cool.
Jesse, you should come
to the big party tonight.
- See you there?
- Ha, you betcha.
I really hate that I have to
sell this baby.
I can't believe the court made me
choose between her and my kids.
Now this can do sick flips, right?
I mean, they have to be really sick.
Oh, yeah, they're sick, dude.
We had some great times together.
Ah, I just want to make sure
she goes to a good home, you know?
- [loud bang]
- Red goobler got a gun!
That was a car backfiring, dude.
Is someone huntin' you?
I'm not sure that's the right
home environment
for a refined vehicle like this.
No, no, no, don't worry, look.
The only thing we're hunting for
- is a great deal, Trent.
- I hear that.
[chuckles]
Hey, you guys want to sit on this honey?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Obviously.
- Me first.
- No, I'm going first, Terry.
The fuck out of my way!
- Why do you have to ruin everything?
- The flower saved the day.
Damn it, I'm gonna tell Korvo and Terry.
They're gonna chop it right off your head
and no one will like you anymore.
No, don't, please don't tell them.
When I get home,
I'm going to ruin your life.
Not if I get there first.
[horns honking]
[dramatic music playing]
♪
Ah!
[glass shatters]
[woman screams]
Ah!
Yeah!
[screaming]
Oh, god, oh, help me.
[groaning]
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Oh, no.
[siren wails]
He's lost too much of
what I'm really hoping is blood.
[monitor flatlines]
No!
No, no!
- Thanks for saving my life, I guess.
- Thanks for not dying.
I'm still gonna tattle!
Ah, jeez.
[somber music playing]
♪
[imitating motor]
- Yeah.
- Wait till you get her on the water.
This goes on the water?
What?
You know what, this feels right.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna sell her to you guys.
- Uh, so should we take her now?
You mind if I drop her off?
I just wanted to get one last ride in.
- I got the red goobler.
- Wait, are you guys weird?
No, no, no.
Look, okay.
We've been playing a game of tag with
our best friends for the past 20 years.
It's actually brought us
much closer together.
We'll see you at our house later.
Thanks for the Jet-Ski.
You're cool.
Bye!
[dramatic music playing]
♪
[auctioneering]
SpongeBob Square Pants
[auctioneering]
Oof, I am sorry.
I freaked out a little.
But the good news is
we have secured the Jet-Ski
and it looks like
the red goobler is gone.
Terry, did you poach eggs?
No, I only like scrambled, fried,
hard boiled, soft boiled,
sunny side, over easy,
over medium, over hard,
Easter, green, Benedict,
McMuffin and deviled.
- The red goobler was here!
- Oh, I also like frittatas.
How did he get in?
[dramatic music playing]
He's whispering to
the memory foam mattress, Terry.
What is he telling it?
What does that mattress remember?
He unboxed my "Hunger Games" Funkos.
Ah, I was saving President Snow
for my YouTube channel.
Now it's not even worth half a Phasma.
He's filling up our DVR
with "Madame Secretary."
- That's a mom show.
- The son of a bitch
- took my jeans out of the freezer.
- Uh, I did that.
Oh, my God, Trent is gonna be here soon.
If he sees that and thinks someone
has asked me to blow them,
there's no way
he's gonna sell us the Jet-Ski.
No, no, no, no.
Easy, big guy. Don't get stressed.
That's what he wants, okay?
We still have time to clean it up.
We can't tell the replicants
anything about the red goobler.
I know Yumyulack will have night terrors
and he'll end up
sleeping in our bed again.
- Terry, Korvo.
- Please don't tell them.
I prom
[gasps]
Yumyulack, look.
- I got one, too. It's beautiful.
- Meh.
We have to hide these
from Korvo and Terry.
It'll freak them out.
Terry will have night terrors
and he'll end up sleeping
in one of our beds again.
What? I thought you said
it wasn't special.
Yeah, but now I have one, so it's cool.
- This is our ticket to Cooper Barn's party.
- They're coming.
- So, how was, uh, how was your day?
- Fine.
- How was your day?
- Equally fine.
Yep, there's no such thing
as a red goobler.
I was just saying the same thing
about head flowers.
- KORVO, YUMYULACK: What?
- TERRY, JESSE: Nothing.
I knew this day would come, but, man.
It is hard to say good-bye to something
you have been inside of.
- Oh.
- I, I meant metaphorically.
- You know, whatever, dude.
- Okay, well, uh, good luck
with that whole thing, Trent.
Um, we gotta go.
We're late to get our backs waxed.
Hurry, trap him in the garage.
- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, get him.
- [cackling]
God damn it.
Shit, shit, grab him.
[shuddering breaths]
A small red man did this.
[gasping]
And I don't mean that as, like,
derogatory toward little people.
[groans]
Or Native Americans, dude.
He was just actually tiny and red
[groans]
This is bad, Terry.
The red goobler set us up.
What are we gonna do?
I can't go to prison.
I don't have a butthole.
How will I smuggle in treats?
I wish I could say this wasn't something
we see all the time.
But this town has a real problem
with unexplained high-concept injuries.
It's like we're cursed.
Damn.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Was he a good friend?
No, he was more than that.
He was a Jet-Ski.
[dance music playing]
Wow, our first real-life
high school party.
It's just like I dreamed it would be.
Look, Cooper Barn's already freaking out
that people are trashing his house.
That's a family heirloom.
Get away from my dog.
Brent, don't snort my dad's ashes.
Fuck!
- Classic Cooper.
- So you hang out with the Stacis
while I make my move on the podcast guys.
I wanna be toxically entrenched
in a clique by 8:00.
- Whoo, Jesse.
- Yas, Jesse.
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Oh, uh
[coughs]
Dude, dude, dude,
psyched you're here, man.
Love the headphones.
You're not a poser at all.
Do you wanna buy a van with me?
We could do road trips.
Oh, we could solve mys
we could turn it into a food van.
Oh, my God, I'm operating
at such a different level, bro.
Um, I have read that a Nissan Odyssey
is a pretty sweet ride.
Yeah, it is!
Get in here, bro.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
I feel like the goobler's on my back.
Is he on my back?
For the millionth time, no.
Wait, is he on my back?
No, you're clear.
Oh, man, is this
what life is like from now on?
Just waiting for a ketchup packet
to stab us in the back?
We have to take the fight to him.
Just like Kevin McCallister,
we shall not go softly into the night.
He could be anywhere.
In the vents, under a lampshade,
- the other side of town.
- Hey, think about it.
- He's literally made of your stress.
- So?
So he's probably hiding out in the
most stressful place you can imagine.
[wolf howls]
- This is your most stressful place?
- Yes.
For starters, how do they
stay in business all year?
It makes no sense financially.
The whole place smells like the inside
of a plastic bag.
And for some reason,
they sell marked-up PS4s.
Plus I'm afraid of skeletons.
Ah! See?
Wait a minute, he's here.
I can sense it.
- Also, I can see him right there.
- [grunts]
[dramatic music playing]
♪
Oh, great, now we have to pay for that.
- Are you guys on molly?
- Molly is on molly,
but the rest of us are on Jesse.
You want some of this?
Oh, yes, Jesse.
That's me, super cool.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
All I'm saying is think about it.
Are you thinking about it?
Are you fucking thinking about it?
- What am I thinking about?
- Our trip to the woods.
- Self-publishing an erotic cookbook.
- Getting married.
Yes, yes, and I'm not saying no,
but I need to think about it.
- I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot.
- BOTH: Oh, yeah!
Hey, you guys want to hear
a poem I just wrote?
Fuck yes, dude!
This is the greatest night ever.
I have a nickname.
- They're calling me Yummy Bear.
- You are such a Yummy Bear.
- That's so you.
- Right?
Hey, uh, I'm sorry I've been such a dick.
I know you just wanted to hang out
and I guess I was jealous.
You were a dick.
But it's okay now.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
[grunting]
[cackles]
The makeup here is marked up
1,000 percent.
- All these costumes are so slutty.
- Keep it together, Korvo.
He wants you stressed.
[groans]
- Fuck you!
- There he is, get him.
[babbling]
Where did he go?
[Red Goobler cackling]
Fuck, I hate this kind of place.
I hate mirrors, goddamn it.
- This is so scary.
- [cackling]
[cackling continues]
So apparently I'm buying a van,
writing a cookbook,
and maybe marrying Mark Melner.
Lucky, I always thought
he'd make a good dad.
Oh, hey, what's up, girl?
[growls]
[screams]
What the heck?
Staci K?
I'll kill you!
[all growling]
Oh, shit, your dumb pollen
must have mixed with my cool pollen
and turned everyone into crazies.
- Ah! Cripes.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
[grunting]
Stay calm.
You're the man, Korvo.
You're a sexy hunk.
Keep it together.
TERRY: Korvo, where are you?
Don't stress, man.
We can still get him.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- They have mini Japanese Kit Kats
in all sorts of flavors.
[Red Goobler babbling]
- No!
- Busted.
- Check us out, bitch.
- [groans]
[dramatic music playing]
♪
[rumbling]
[animals clamoring]
[Red Goobler babbling]
Explain to me again why
we aren't just killing this A-hole.
If we do then, in a way, he wins.
Maybe by cutting him open
and studying his insides,
I can learn how to control my stress
instead of just avoiding it.
Aw, that's nice, Korvo.
But I still say we light
this little cunt on fire.
- Oh, language, Terry.
- Sorry.
I'm just all jacked up
on green tea Kit Kats.
Uh, guys, we have a big problem
that Jesse caused.
We grew flowers on our heads.
We know it's a puberty thing
- and that we're turning into adults.
- What's "poo-berty"?
You know, when humans grow hair
and bleed out of their penises and stuff.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's awful.
You're not a human.
You don't get to have a puberty.
You grow into our size and then
eventually turn into a wise old tree.
And if you're lucky,
someone uses your body to build a house.
This is just fungus you get
from not washing your hands.
- You gotta wash those hands.
- It's fine as long as you didn't let
your pollens mix
and infect anyone, all right?
The only way to stop this infection
is to inject the serum under their skin.
But we can't let them bite us
or we'll turn crazy too.
Which is why we have to use
these emergency medical weapons.
- We get to cut people up?
- It doesn't hurt them.
The cuts all heal themselves because
of the sci-fi goo the blades emit.
- Lame.
- But wouldn't it be safer
to use, like, a dart or something?
You want to use a dart?
Okay, yeah.
Go ahead, use a dart.
This is way cooler than a dart.
Let's go stab some kids
and save some lives.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
[screams]
Thank you.
Oh, eat it!
- Yes!
- Thanks, man.
I'm sorry, I'm healing you.
You're welcome, I love you.
Wow, thanks.
Don't worry, they won't
remember any of this.
But they're gonna remember
I'm cool, right?
No, at best,
they'll remember that you aren't.
[grunting]
- Oh, thanks, man.
- Yeah, no problem.
[soft music playing]
[barking]
[quacking]
[bell rings]
- Whoa, dude, what are you doing?
- Sitting with my party buds.
- Last night was crazy, right?
- Bro.
- This table's for air podders only.
- I could turn into a pod.
No way, man.
Pod save this seat for someone else.
Sorry, Yummy Bear.
Same thing happened to me with the Stacis.
They told me to take my flat ass
back to Planet Mexico.
Everyone who's awesome and cool
is such a jerk.
I'm a jerk all the time,
but it never gets me anywhere.
Hey, uh, we heard you guys
were at that crazy party last night.
Who said it was crazy?
No one got stabbed.
Oh, no, no, no.
We haven't been to any of those parties.
We just want to hear about it.
So first, we were all
hanging out at Barn's house.
- Was it in a real barn?
- No, it was Cooper Barn's house.
Apparently, cool kids
call each other by their last name.
ALL: Ooh.
- [Red Goobler babbling]
- Ah!
[dramatic music playing]
♪
Wake up, you little slut.
It's time me and you had it out.
What the?
[gasps]
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- This is a regular goob
- Terry, have you seen my tennis racket?
I've noticed that women who play tennis
are particularly dominant.
I have a better chance of
finding an assertive mate while
- What, where is the red goobler?
- I killed him.
- Damn, Terry, that's cold.
- Yeah.
I just, um, I knew as long
as he was alive,
you would always worry
about him escaping,
and I wanted you to have,
just, less stress in your life.
I care about you, man.
So I chopped up his body
and I fed it to the pigs,
and I shot the pigs into space.
So don't worry, those pigs are safe.
No, they're not.
That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Thank you, Terry.
Oh, I feel so relaxed.
I took a bath.
Just a soak.
Didn't even wash my junk.
Nobody's hunting me anymore
and it feels good, Terry.
- It feels right.
- Uh, yep, feels great. Good night.
Ah, I will now enjoy
the stress-free sleep of safety,
knowing that no one out there
is playing the long game
waiting for me to drop my guard,
or-or anything like that.
Ah.
[babbling]
[seagulls cawing]
[tense music playing]
[cackling]
Pew-pew, pew-pew-pew!