Son of a Critch (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]
ADULT MARK (VO): Families on TV
eat at the table.
Supper!
I usually ate in front of the TV
watching those families on TV eat.
- Here.
- What is it?
Food. Eat it!
Dad liked to eat at the kitchen table
so he wouldn't miss
himself on the radio.
Eat this now while it's hot.
Be quiet, will ya? I
can't hear myself speak.
Mike preferred to eat in his room alone
like a wounded wild animal
hiding from predators.
Mom, get out of my
room! And knock first!
I don't want to know
what you're doing in here,
believe me.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Pop rarely made it to suppertime.
[POP GROANS]
My mother never stopped moving
long enough to eat anything.
Food was for survival
and not something meant to be enjoyed.
[MUMBLING]
What's wrong, Mike, are you choking?
POP: Choking on what?
That food was boiled to death.
Ask him if he's drowning.
Will you turn on the news?
The cucumbers! The cucumbers are ready!
After 500 years of cod fish,
the government felt it was time
to modernize their economy.
And nothing says modern like
TV REPORTER: Cucumbers.
That's right, cucumbers.
Premier Peckford announced today
that the government-funded
sprung greenhouse
has produced the province's first batch
of hydroponically-grown cucumbers.
Thanks to new technology,
they can now take a cucumber
from seedling to grocery
aisle in just six days.
The Premier says it's the
start of the green economy
and that $22 million
is a small price to pay
for prosperity.
NEWS ANCHOR: That's our
own Melissa Stoke
Remember this day.
The day Newfoundland turned the corner.
We are officially a cucumber province.
Are you cracked?
Nobody here likes cucumbers.
I do.
That greenhouse is
buying advertising time
on the station so, from now on,
this is a cucumber house!
You can't grow anything here.
Newfoundland is a rock.
The soil is as deep and fertile
as that stuff in a cat's litter box.
What's a cucumber?
- It's a fruit.
- It's a vegetable.
It's a dry pickle.
They'll never catch on.
I get my greens second-hand.
Rabbit eats the lettuce.
I eat the rabbit.
Imagine all the things you
could grow hydroponically.
Non-traditional crops.
This wasn't really news to my brother
who had already been experimenting
with his own non-traditional crops.
[PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC]
Imagine the spin-off industries:
Cucumber salads, pickles,
some Hollywood starlets even put
cucumber slices on their eyes!
You think you're going to
sell cucumbers to Californians?
That's like them selling us fog.
We could ship them frozen.
I-I prefer my vegetables that way
like peas or French fries.
Well, you can worry about
things you're never gonna eat
after you eat what you
got on your bloody plates.
♪♪
[POP GROANS]
The next day, cucumber-mania
was rampant at school.
Did you know that
cucumbers are 95% water?
Nobody here eats cucumbers, Sister.
Well, I will have you know,
on average,
a Newfoundlander eats a
half a cucumber every year.
That's about 250,000 cucumbers.
And how much is a cucumber
at the supermarket now?
Well, I don't buy them myself
but it says here that they cost
50 cents.
And how much does one of them
freak cucumbers cost to grow?
Uh, $27.50.
Oh, well, that can't be right.
That doesn't make any sense at all.
[SCHOOL BELL]
Oh, God.
[LIGHT CHATTER]
I got ketchup chips. What'd you get?
Dill pickle.
You mean cucumber now.
[CHUCKLES]
PAULA: Attention, please!
As many of you are aware,
I'm about to become a teenager.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
Paula Fanning.
Her father owned two Dairy Queens.
She was a Dairy princess
and easily the richest girl in school.
Her father could have bought
all the cucumbers they wanted.
To celebrate, I'm having a
birthday party this weekend.
[EXCITED REACTIONS]
My address is in the invitation.
A party at Paula's house!
It was rumoured that she
had an indoor swimming pool.
Not that I would ever take
off my shirt in public.
Wow, a coupon for a free sundae!
I wanted a free sundae
but what I really wanted
was an invitation.
Up to this point, I had
made very little impact
on the St. Bridget's social scene.
You ask her.
I can't talk to Paula Fanning
with ketchup dust fingers!
(QUIETLY) Paula.
Paula.
(NORMAL VOICE) Paula!
What?
Do we
We didn't
Oh,
you want an invitation?
[LAUGHTER]
Sorry.
My parents said I couldn't
invite the whole class.
I'm sure you understand.
Huh, they're the only two not invited.
No, we're not. Fox
didn't get invited either.
- What'd you say?
- Nothing.
I don't want to go to that prissy party.
Me either. I can't go, anyway.
Me and Ritchie have plans.
Oh, really? What's bigger than my party?
I'm sleeping over at
his house this weekend.
Yes. Wait, what?
Oh, yeah.
No one had ever seen
where I lived before.
I dreaded the thought.
Surely this was just talk
and we wouldn't have
to go through with it!
Oh, yeah?
Guess I'll see you on the bus, then.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
How long is this gonna take?
I just have to interview the
first person to buy a cucumber.
Now, the station really
needs this account, Mary,
so, please, don't talk to
me again until I'm done.
Oh, they're never gonna sell.
What are you supposed to do with 'em?
I mean, you could boil it or something.
Attention, shoppers.
Who'd like to go live on the radio?
How are ya?
Mike Critch, live on the scene at
Coleman's Grocery in St. John's.
And I'm here with the first housewife
to buy a cucumber.
Congratulations, madam.
[AIR HORN BLOWS]
[AIR HORN ONTO TABLE]
I thought I wasn't
allowed to say anything.
Will you give this up?
I need for you to stop it!
Please.
Well,
I might make a nice
pot of cucumber soufflé
there tonight for my husband.
See if he likes that.
He's a bit of a picky arsehole,
so we'll have to wait and see.
And there you have it.
Yes, the cucumbers are
flying off the shelves
here at Coleman's Grocery in St. John's.
Mike Critch, first on the
scene for the VOCM News.
Hm.
[WHEELS AND GLASS ITEMS RATTLE]
Despite my best efforts,
it seemed Ritchie was
sleeping over after all.
Have fun on your honeymoon, losers!
Are you sure you want to do this?
I don't have to come
over if you don't want.
I just said that to Paula
to make us look good.
But then I thought it might be fun.
I should let you know,
my house is a little
Different.
Don't worry.
I know your dad is on the radio
so you don't have to be
embarrassed about being rich.
The "C" in "Critch" was
most certainly not silent,
as Ritchie was about to learn.
[ROCK MUSIC]
[JAZZ MUSIC]
[WATER BOILING]
[POST LID CLATTERING ONTO POT]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
Ritchie's here! He's sleeping over!
No time to explain!
Please be on your best behaviour!
That's nice.
Pop, gross!
Hey, I haven't finished yet.
One hand's longer than the other!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Please do not embarrass me!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Oh, don't know how you
got locked out weird.
Oh, well, welcome to our house!
Ritchie, everyone. Everyone, Ritchie.
MARY: Who's that?
Ritchie.
Two beds?
Cool! Is this one mine?
Don't mind me.
Just thought I'd get
40 winks before dinner.
Get off my bed, youngster!
Huss!
Ohh, ah!
Oh, yeah. Nice, nice.
You sleep with your grandfather?
No.
Why would you say that?
'Cuz he's sleeping in your room.
[SNORING]
I let him sleep here sometimes.
But, trust me, you will not notice him.
Oh! Aww!
[MUMBLING]
[SPUTTERING]
Wanna go see the living room?
Okay.
Ohh.
Cucumbers are getting mushy.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Frig sake.
Hello, ma'am.
May Mark come out to play?
My God, Mark's never
had this many visitors.
Oh, come on in, dear,
they're in his room.
Thank you kindly, Mrs. Critch.
Mm-hm.
[CALM MUSIC]
Just down the hall.
Hm.
What's in here?
Who sleeps here?
My parents.
How come they sleep in two beds?
So, this is your room?
Kinda makes sense, I guess.
Fox?!
Don't touch that. It's $3 a bottle!
[SLAMS BOTTLE ONTO DRESSER]
Fox, what are you doing here?
Got the bus driver to let me off.
Wanted to see what you
freaks were really up to.
Man, this bedroom's
creepy, even for you.
This is his parents' bedroom.
Mark sleeps across the
hall with his grandfather.
So, your parents don't bone?
You're not helping.
And I don't know what
you're talking about.
Sometimes,
like on a long weekend
or dad's birthday,
- parents will
- I know what she means, Ritchie!
So, then, are you adopted or what?
[ELECTRIC GUITAR NOTE]
Get out of my house!
No, you get out of your house!
[GRUNTS AND GROANS]
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
Give me
The government didn't know
that improperly bottled cucumbers
sometimes explode due to
gas-emitting bacteria.
[FRUSTRATED SIGH]
They were mass-producing
cucum-bombs.
[LOUD HISS]
Good news, Mary!
The brass at the station
gave us some cucumbers to try.
We're going to be eating
like the Jetsons tonight!
Get those things out of here.
MARK: Help!
Stop!
Ow.
- [WHINING]
- MARK: Stop!
Stop!
I didn't know the boy had it in him.
She's an intruder!
You have a lovely bedroom, Mrs. Critch.
Lovely of you to say.
Would you like to stay for supper, dear?
Why, yes, please.
I'll call Mom to come get me later.
What do you kids think about cucumbers?
- They're okay, I guess.
- Oh, they're lovely.
Good.
Good.
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
When word got out, my
social life would be over.
That is, if I survived the weekend.
Here come the boiled cucumbers.
[GASP] And gravy.
POP: Oh, hm.
Company meant we used the dining room,
usually saved for special occasions.
MARY: Oh, look, another card.
Let's see who it's from.
Happy birthday from Randall Insurance.
Tom McAdam or Jeff Peddle?
Ah, both. [LAUGHS]
Blow out your candles.
Happy birthday to ♪
I must say, Mrs. Critch,
I've never had hot cucumber before.
- I'll have to get the recipe.
- Oh.
Well, it's not the first time
we've had cucumbers, of course.
We often have them, don't you know?
Am I supposed to eat it or-or drink it?
Good God, there's no taste to it at all.
You hate flavour.
I need a TUMS now.
Too much exotic food!
MARY: Try one with gravy.
Where's he gonna sleep, my bed?
Oh, I-I can do the math.
I suppose it's the home
for me, then, is it?
Drop me off at the
harbour, why don't ya?
Just put me out on an ice floe!
Next time someone
mentions a G.D. cucumber,
I'm gonna shove one up their arse!
Cucumber, cucumber, cucumber!
[EXASPERATED EXCLAMATION]
What?
Do you want my grave next?
Is that it?
[GLOOMY MUSIC]
Aren't we supposed to
tell secrets at sleepovers?
POP: You first.
Was that your girlfriend?
No.
She's his bully.
Shut up!
Fox is gonna tell everyone I'm a weirdo.
Why else would she come here?
People do stupid stuff
when they're lonely.
Well, that is some boring gossip.
I'm going to bed.
[GROANING]
[SIGHS]
Why is the room glowing?
That's just the light
from the sprung greenhouse.
You can see it from space.
The sprung greenhouse
was located on the outskirts of town
which meant that my
room was bathed nightly
in the Amber hydroponic glow
of the mad scientist's cucumber factory.
I don't even notice it anymore.
[POP COUGHING]
[COUGHING CONTINUES]
[GROANING]
MIKE SR.: Hold still.
I can't get the calamine lotion
on your burns if you're moving.
MARY: Ow, Mike, you got
hands like a bloody gorilla!
It's from typing!
That stings.
Hey
Maybe we can sleep over
at my house tomorrow?
Yeah.
That might be nice.
MIKE SR.: Stop squirming.
Maybe try some margarine on it.
[POP GROANING LOUDLY]
[BIG BAND MUSIC]
Oh, got too much too much.
And how long are you going for, a month?
You think I packed too much?
Not unless you're planning
on beating Peary to the Pole.
Here, let me have a look.
Maybe there's a couple of things
in here you could do without.
Oh!
King George commemorative mug?
I like a cup of tea before bed.
Okay, well
Two pairs of pajamas?
That set is flannel.
I don't know how cold he keeps his room.
Oh, potted meat,
Noxzema.
A loaf of bread.
[CRINKLING]
Toilet paper.
Mark,
you don't need any of this stuff.
I've never been invited
to a sleepover before.
You don't have to be worried.
Listen, all families
are different and yet,
all families are the same.
You know, there's things
you don't like about his
and things that he probably
doesn't like about here.
But all I do know,
with all this stuff,
you'll look like a fool.
And you don't need any help doing that
because your parents have you
well covered in that department.
- [TENDER MUSIC]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Ritchie's house was a suburban dream.
A vinyl siding wrapped bungalow
with fancy steps and a
postage stamp-sized yard.
You have a second
living room downstairs?
Sorry, it's our lame rec room.
I had never heard of a rec room before.
But we can watch movie channel,
play Atari. You like Pitfall?
We have the Commodore 64 too.
It was at that exact moment
that I realized I was poor.
Do your parents sleep in the same bed?
Yeah, they have a waterbed.
But I have two beds in my room.
Well, it's a bunk bed but still
Oh.
You must think I'm pretty weird, huh?
No, your house is
Different,
like, but really cool.
I never saw someone shine shoes before.
Yeah, but you've got everything.
But what good is that if I
don't have anyone to use it with?
Hello.
You must be Mark.
I'm so happy Ritchie has a friend!
I brought you boys some snacks.
Your father and I are going
out to a dinner tonight.
I left the phone number on the wall.
So good meeting you, Mark.
- A pleasure.
- Um-hm.
Thanks, Mom.
- They leave you alone?
- [DOORBELL]
Cool.
They work a lot at the
hospital but I'm used to it.
My parents never go out.
There's always somebody home.
Lucky.
Ritchie,
you have another friend here!
She's very pretty.
Why, thank you, Mrs. Perez.
- What a lovely home you have.
- Oh.
Fox was like Dracula.
She couldn't enter your home
unless she was invited in.
But once she crossed your threshold,
you were as good as dead.
Nice pad, Perez.
Better than that dick's cocoon house.
Uh, what are you doing here?
I've come to get you for Paula's party.
We weren't invited.
That's exactly why we're going.
She didn't invite us,
so we're going to go there and wreck it.
Look!
We take these and
throw them at the house.
Cover it in squished cucumber.
Cucumbers are hard. They won't squish.
God, you're so lame!
If we're so lame, then how
come you keep following us?
I'm not following you!
You don't have to make
up a reason to come over.
Trust me,
I don't want to stay
here with you geeks!
Fine.
If you guys don't want to help me,
I'll just do it myself.
I realized then, for the first time,
that Fox didn't want to bully us.
She wanted to be our friend.
She just didn't know how.
Fox, uh
Why don't you stay?
Three people can play this one.
Screw off.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC AND WOMAN VOCALIZING]
[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]
MARK: So
Home's a place you grow
up wanting to leave
and grow old wanting to come back to.
Ritchie had everything I ever wanted.
But as I lay there,
in a different room in a new house,
all I wanted
was to hear Pop snoring.
[TENDER MUSIC]
If cucumbers are the future,
we really are in one helluva
Pickle.
Those cucumbers really
did wonders for your skin.
You look just like a
Hollywood actress.
As small as a home is,
it's never small enough to
keep the people you love
close to you.
[DOORBELL]
[EXCITED CONVERSATIONS]
GIRL: Stop!
Sometimes, the biggest
of houses can feel empty
even when it's filled.
- [LOUD HISS]
- [SCREAM]
PAULA: Gross!
And, sometimes, people are most at home
all on their own.
Woo-hoo!
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES]
TV REPORTER: This just in:
The sprung greenhouse,
built at a cost to
taxpayers of $22 million,
has closed just months after it opened.
Thousands of cucumbers remain unsold.
Area grocers are offering
them for free to farmers
to feed their cows.
Thank Christ that's over.
Mary, do we have any
cans of corned beef?
I guess what really makes a house a home
is knowing you can
always come back to it.
And that someone is waiting for you
when you do.
Home ♪
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]