Son of Zorn (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hmm.
Huh.
Hyah! Yes! Nothing but cart! Hey, Zorn, we got you a new shower curtain.
And a comforter for your guest bed.
Aw, come on, who needs a comforter? If we get cold, we'll start an apartment fire.
If we're gonna let Alan stay with you for the whole weekend, you have to let us turn your place into something - a little less - Horrible.
Yeah, I think I know how to look out for the welfare of my child.
- Vodka and chainsaws? - Yeah, that's right.
Father and son warrior weekend! [imitating echo.]
: Weekend, weekend, weekend - What? - ALAN: Hey, Mom.
- Can I get these? - CRAIG: Skateboarding? Come on.
You want to do something extreme, I'll take you hiking.
I saw a snake once.
- Come on.
- Okay.
But you have to get a helmet and pads.
- What? - A helmet, Edie? Come on.
You might as well make the kid skateboard in a diaper.
Hey! No helmets at my place this weekend, buddy.
It's gonna be anarchy! We're gonna crack all the skulls we want! - Zorn.
- What? I know you want Alan to think you're cool and fun, but you can't be his father and his friend.
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
- I should stop being his father.
- I'm saying, if Alan were to end up hurt or arrested, he will never be allowed at your house again, - ever.
- Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, I'll be the king of safety.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Whoo [groans.]
Oh, my head.
So glad I didn't wear a helmet.
Okay, Internet, just tell me how to be safe with my teenage son.
"Abstinence"? [snickers.]
Well, I think Alangulon's got that covered already.
[chuckles.]
Got 'em.
[giggles.]
I do love him, though.
Ah, now I feel bad.
You know what? I'm gonna tell him I said that.
That'll make me feel better.
[school bell rings, indistinct conversations.]
[phone chimes.]
ALAN: My dad is so lame.
No, dude, your dad's awesome.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
[students laughing.]
GIRL: So cool.
Looks like your new best friend Jeff is back from suspension.
He's not my best friend, we just hang out in study hall.
- I think he's bad news, man.
- No, he's cool.
He's like a walking middle finger to adults.
That's not cool.
What? [mutters quickly.]
Yo, son of Zorn, what up? Yo, what is up? What is up? I don't care what's up.
I'm down for whatevers.
Uh, so what are you guys doing this weekend, huh? You just gonna, like, vape up ho-style? We were gonna drink some brews at Nadia's, but her mom got out of the hospital early, so that sucks.
- Oh, lame mom.
- Totally, what are you doing? He's got a sleepover at his dad's this weekend, - right, yeah? - Oh, you know, it's like gonna be like a crazy super party sleepover, not a sleepover, more like 'cause we're not gonna be sleeping! We're gonna be "Ah, party, party party.
Ah, rage on.
" So you guys should just roll on by, roll up in that house party.
It's an apartment, but you should roll up in.
Totally.
Shoot me the address.
Yeah, I'm gonna text you that address, with a text.
- And it's gonna - TEACHER: Mr.
Holstein.
What did I tell you about sitting on the lab tables? I don't know, what'd I tell you about bumping into me at the mall with your weird kid? [students chuckle.]
Principal's office.
Now.
Why you got to ride my nuts? [students chuckle.]
[mouths words.]
[flushes.]
Yeah, let's see what Alangulon's hilarious response to my invite is.
I hope he says no, but then, in the comments writes "Psych, I love you so much, Dad.
" [chuckles.]
Let's see, uh okay, he opened it, but no reply.
Hmm.
"For a good time, call Eric.
" [phone dialing.]
- ERIC: Hello? - Oh, hey, Eric? Hi, this is Zorn.
Uh, I got your number off the bathroom wall here.
Evidently, you seem to be a good time expert, is that correct? [Eric speaks indistinctly.]
Well, I'm just looking for something to do with my 17-year-old.
[chuckling.]
Ew, no! No, I'm not gonna do that with my son.
- ERIC: Why? - Because laser tag is dumb.
I it's just that my son and I are still having trouble connecting.
So I-I really need this weekend to be kick-ass.
[glass shatters.]
Oh! Nothing but the bottom of the can! I mean, you get it, yeah? You're the world's greatest dad, you know what I'm saying.
I just wish my ex would get off my back with all her lame-ass rules.
You know, she's got a curfew, there's no alcohol, no instruments of chaos.
Todd! Help me out here.
[sighs.]
- I'm actually a divorced dad, too.
- Wow, they let you keep the mug.
The first weekend I watched my kid, uh, I let her ride her bike without a-a helmet.
[music.]
- I had to take her to the ER.
- Hmm.
After that, my wife refused to let me watch Amanda alone.
It's it's been hard.
- It's been really hard.
- Gonna be honest with you, Todd, you may be the world's greatest dad, but you are not the world's greatest storyteller.
CRAIG: Ooh! Three meatballs on a spoon.
- Make a wish.
- I wish you'd stop eating soup.
That's your third bowl.
I'm making dinner.
[door opens and closes.]
Edie, when I'm on my death bed, do you think I'm gonna look back and go, "Oh, I wish I'd have had less soup?" - I don't think so.
- Yo, ready to go to Dad's.
- Wow, you seem excited.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Hanging out, Dad and I.
Maybe get to know each other kind of thing.
So, don't forget you have that planetary science paper due Monday.
- I know.
- And just because you're staying at your dad's, it doesn't mean the rules are different.
I know, Mom, God.
- Why you got to ride my nuts? - What?! Oh, my.
"Ride my nuts?" Where did you hear that? - Ch from a friend.
- That doesn't sound like Scott.
- Well, I have other friends.
- Like who? - I don't know.
Jeff.
- Jeff Holstein? The kid who pulled down the grief counselor's pants? - That was hilarious.
- I've been pantsed.
I've been pantsed many times.
And it is not hilarious.
EDIE: Well, I don't like you hanging out with him.
[scoffs.]
Whatever, I guess I'm just gonna wait in the car.
[door opens.]
See, this is what worries me.
[door closes.]
He doesn't realize he's still a kid.
He needs rules.
I just hope Zorn gets that.
Just relax, look, this is gonna be a great weekend.
[sighs.]
Promise me you're gonna have a good time with the Pattersons tonight.
Hmm? - Okay, I promise.
- Good.
I just hope Bill doesn't tell that boring story about Queen Latifah again.
Hey, let's not ride Bill Patterson's nuts too, okay? [music.]
ZORN: You ready for a kick-ass weekend? Are you psyched? - Oh, I'm psyched.
- You're psyched, right? - I'm psyched.
- Oh, you're so psyched.
It's gonna be total anarchy.
[imitates guitar playing.]
- Uh yeah, yeah, sure.
- Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Anarchy.
" Yeah, oh, yeah.
Well, I know last time it wasn't so great, but welcome to Casa del Zorn 2.
0.
Hey, uh, you see the swim flippers? And the, uh, couch there? Those are new.
And, uh Oh, best dad in the world.
Also here.
Part of the tour.
[chuckles.]
And, uh, oh.
Refrigerator.
[chuckles.]
Now, I know what you're thinking, that's a butt-load of hummus, but where's the pita? [chuckles.]
Well, I forgot to buy it.
Hey, I'll take one of those cold beer cans.
- Hmm.
- Uno cerveza, por favor? [chuckles.]
"One beer for me" in Spanish.
[chuckles.]
A beer? No, come on, no.
Y-you don't want a beer.
No, beer makes your your hands cold.
[shudders.]
Brr.
Hey, but don't worry.
We've got [imitates fading echo.]
: milk, milk, milk, milk - Hey, what's that thing? - ZORN: Oh, this baby? Oh, this is a lava launcher.
Here, check it out.
[laser blast.]
Oh, watch out.
[sizzling, Zorn chuckles.]
Yeah, I mean, lately I've just been using it to defrost meat.
Or fish sometimes, when I'm thinking about the old cholesterol.
So that thing could do some pretty serious damage.
Oh, hell yeah.
No, this thing will melt your face right off! [shudders.]
[chuckling.]
Yeah! So, I-I probably shouldn't leave it lying around like this.
Uh, so, uh well put that there.
And, um and there.
Over here.
[muttering.]
Here, smooth that out a little bit.
And for good measure.
All right, there we go.
- All gone.
- So that's the tour, huh? Oh, not quite.
Ta-da! [exhales.]
Check it out.
Got you a sick place right here to draw up battle plans, or, uh, compose war ballads about me, or, or, maybe even do your homework.
- Oh, okay, these are Mom's rules.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, these yeah, these are your mom's rules, yeah.
But, but the most important rule, and boy did she stress this, is that we got to have fun.
Hey, this almost feels like a real room, right? It's crazy to think that the previous tenant died under a mountain of Lane Bryant catalogs in here.
This is an absolute blow-out.
I don't even want to think what must be going through his opponent's head right now.
- [laser sound.]
Ow.
- Hit 'em with the Hein! Double touchdown.
[sighs.]
That's what I'm talking about.
And that's cool with me [phone chimes.]
'cause that lamp sucked.
Your mom made me get that lamp.
Not really my style, I'm more of a torch guy.
Oh, what's up, you getting ready to do a halftime show for me? [chuckles.]
No, I'm just really beat.
I'm gonna go to the room.
Hey, hey, I, you know, I-I just hope all these rules - aren't harshin' your mellow.
- They're just mellowing my mellow.
You know you said this weekend was gonna be total anarchy.
I thought we'd be like raging, and chugging, and blasting.
But instead it's just been, like, sitting.
I'm just gonna go watch some Ferrari poster.
[music.]
[sighs.]
Oh, man.
[phone clicking.]
"Sorry, Jeff.
Can't hang, feeling sick.
Think I over-vaped.
" - That's stupid.
- Hey, buddy, listen, I, you know, I was just thinking out here, maybe, uh, maybe we could - ease up a little bit on your mom's rules.
- [can opens.]
Really? [gulping.]
Want to just toss me one of those, uh, beer can guys? [chuckling.]
Oh, no, no, no! Sorry, I'm, I'm drinking both of these.
[gulping.]
[laughter.]
BILL: Nice.
Did I ever tell you about the time when, uh, Queen Latifah gave me a high-five? - CRAIG: Oh - SHIRLEY: This is good.
[laughs.]
- Yes.
- Well, as you know, before I was a doctor, - CRAIG: Hmm.
- I was a production assistant on Living Single.
[Edie moans.]
Oh.
- SHIRLEY: Edie? - CRAIG: Hey.
- Oh, oh! - Edie! - Oh, my God.
- Oh my Bill.
Calm down, everyone.
[all clamoring.]
Edie? Are you okay? - Edie.
- She doesn't have a pulse.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! - God, okay.
- I'm gonna get someone here.
- I'm gonna start CPR.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- [Southern accent.]
Billy Patterson? - I do declare.
- What the hell? Hey, Bill, look.
[Craig and Edie laugh.]
The look on your face, Bill! - What just happened? - [stammers.]
Oh.
Oh, you were just like, "Oh, my Lord, my dear friend is no longer living.
" Wait, w-what just happened? She was clinically dead.
Well, I can kind of stop my heart for a couple minutes.
It's just a fun little trick I learned at Zephyria.
[Craig chuckles.]
SHIRLEY: Why would anyone ever need to learn that? My ex-husband taught me how to do it in case our fortress was sacked.
- Oh.
- So they'd leave you for dead? Oh, there was this one time when Zorn needed a power crystal that these corpse-eating beetles were guarding.
And of course I didn't want to be the bait, but he kept pressuring me and pressuring me and pressuring me and Hey, Zorn, it's me.
I know I didn't mention it before, but do not teach Alan how to stop his heart.
I was obviously able to pick it up, but remember, Colleen died.
[knocks on door.]
CRAIG: Edie? - Uh, I've got to go, that's it.
Bye.
- Hey.
What are you doing in here? Shirley is pounding the good wine.
Oh.
I just came in to get some lip balm.
Lip balm? Sweetie, you know how addictive lip balm is.
What the hell, let me have some.
Mm.
Yeah, that's good balm.
Mm, yeah, I like that.
Okay, that's that's good.
- Honey, honey, honey - What? Hey, so it's cool if I have friends over still, right? ZORN: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No problem.
I mean, as long as they're not total wads.
Hey, sorry, Eric.
Yeah, my kid's having friends over.
I'm in a little bit of a pickle, though.
I mean, I want to impress these teens, but I also need to obey Edie's rules, you know? ERIC: I don't know if you're trying to be funny by calling me again, I just don't appreciate Hey, that's a good idea.
Comedy is a universal language, yeah.
You know what? You're the best bathroom guy I've ever called.
[knock at door.]
[deep, manly tone.]
P-chaw! - Oh, Jeff, yo, what's up? - What's up, Guns? Nice shirt, yeah.
I'm just different way.
You guys know Son of Zorn? - Yeah.
- BOTH: No.
No.
Yeah, no - Ya know uh - Whoa, that's a lot of hummus.
- Hummus sucks! - Yeah, hummus sucks! Probably some dumb chick left it over here.
If you want to get up on some beer and get it in your mouths? ZORN: Hey, did someone order a party elf? [chuckles.]
Hi, I am Dingle, from the Elvin land of Huff.
I have traveled from afar to fulfill all your sexual desires.
[laughs.]
That's just what party elves say.
I'm not actually gonna do that last thing.
Hey, what's up, dudes? I'm Zorn, Alangulon's dad.
I'm sure he's already told you how bonkers I am.
[chuckles.]
Hyah! [grunts.]
- What the hell?! - What? He looked! You looked, right? Come on, don't you guys have that game here? - It's huge in Zephyria.
- Okay, you just assaulted a teenager.
- It's not cool! - You know what? You're right, Alangulon.
Not cool for an adult to do that to a kid, no.
Hey, but you know what is cool? A little Blues Traveler, Live at Red Rocks, ha ha.
- Your dad's super weird.
- Yeah, super weird.
Oh, oh! Found it, found it.
[crowd cheering, music plays.]
Oh, yeah! You know, Alangulon, you were actually conceived to this song.
Yeah, we're just gonna go.
We're just gonna hit this skate spot and throw bricks at stuff.
Oh, you know what? Uh, if you're gonna gonna do some destruction, I probably have a thing that you might be into.
[playing air-harmonica to solo.]
[music.]
Oh, once upon a midnight dreary [CD skipping.]
: # I wo I wo I wo # Aw, damn it, come on! ZORN: I shouldn't have taken these CDs to the beach, I guess, is the lesson there, but then, what's the point of having 'em, right? Oh, oh, are we leaving? Okay.
It's a little short notice, but I can be ready in five mementos, okay? I just got to rub some lotion on my strap rash.
You know what? No, it's cool.
We're just gonna go meet some friends at the hockey rink, and no one's bringing their dads.
So you wouldn't have anyone to talk to about dad stuff or anything.
Uh, yeah, but I mean, your curfew is in 20 minutes, so What? [forced laugh.]
Oh, "curfew.
" What? Remember how we said we're not gonna follow - all of Mom's rules, right? - Y-Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, okay.
You get out of here, okay, and go have fun.
Be safe, or not.
Whatever.
Who cares? [forced laugh.]
Hey, if you die or get maimed, we'll just tell your mom you were already like that when you got here, right? Thanks for coming.
You guys drive safe.
SHIRLEY: Thanks for having us! Now tell me, haven't those two over didn't help take your - mind off of Alan and Zorn.
- No, it did.
Thanks, sweetie.
- It was fun.
- Yeah, good.
CRAIG: Hey, you know what else would be fun? - What's that? - Having sex on this couch.
We have the whole place to ourselves.
Oh, I like "Three Chardonnays Craig.
" Well, I love "Three Servings of Mashed Potatoes Edie.
" [both giggle and coo.]
- Edie.
- Mm-hmm? You're texting Alan right now, aren't you? No, I'm, um I'm looking for a good couch sex song.
Alan is almost an adult.
You can trust him.
I know, I just can't stop thinking about Zorn.
Okay, well, whatever gets you there, baby.
- Craig! - I'm sorry.
Okay, look It's obvious you're not gonna be able to relax and have sex with me on this couch until we go and see for ourselves that he's okay.
Thank you.
I'll get the keys.
All right, but couch check on the rain sex.
[laughs.]
"Couch sex on the rain" I'm wasted! [dramatic voice.]
Let there be light! Good as new.
And for that, you deserve a treat.
Meat, meat, beautiful treat Eat it in bed, get it all over your sheets Sheet meat a beautiful treat Wake up in the morning fish the meat out your feet Feet meat a beautiful treat Da duh duh da Now, just gotta get the lava launcher here.
Um What the hell? Pick up, pick up, pick up, come on.
Ugh! [voice mail beeps.]
Hey, uh, son, it's Dad again.
It's just, um I-I'm missing something.
You know, no big deal, but starting to get nervous but, like, in a in a very cool way.
So if you get this, just, uh, holla back, girl! Lava launcher accidents.
What's up, Larry Nation? This is Larry.
I just got back from a trip to Zephyria and I smuggled this bad boy through customs.
Now, I'm gonna press this button right here, which looks like the "safety" button [gunshot, lava exploding.]
[Larry screaming in agony.]
[laughing.]
Oh, you dumbass! You Oh, wait.
Eric, I'm freaking out over here.
I tried being more permissive to make Alangulon happy, but now I'm worried he's gonna get killed by lava.
I mean, why is it do hard to be a father and a friend? - I just don - ERIC: I don't know you.
You're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm making this all about me again.
No, go ahead, please.
Tell me more about you.
I'm an accountant.
Wow, so you work in accounting.
Where? At Sanitation Solutions.
Oh, no way! I work at Sanitation Solutions, too.
I mean, what are the odds that you would have your number on a bathroom wall, and I'm the guy calling it? [chuckles.]
Well, I should probably go find my kid.
[beeps.]
Oh, what's up? [Hip Hop music plays.
Siren wails in distance.]
- How you doing? - Yeah.
- What up? - Nighttime, yeah.
All right, Son of Zorn show 'em.
Check this out.
Check it out.
All right.
All right, there she blows.
[nervous chuckle.]
So what do you say we line up some cans and just let show 'em who-who's boss.
[forced laugh.]
[laughter.]
- Let's melt some cars.
- W-What? Cars? Those have Those are, like, sup Those are people's cars.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but if you do that, then, like, - they won't be able to drive - Who cares? I don't care.
Yeah.
That's a dumb one right there.
I'm gonna blast it a new one.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna shoot a car, all right? - Weak.
- Why? I mean, what if one of those cars belonged to some other cool kids who don't care about anything? And then we'd be - hurting our own, then.
- Weak, man.
- Come on, just give it.
- No, come on, seriously.
If we don't melt the cars, then they go unmelted.
- Yeah, exactly.
Ah, ah, ah - You want that? ALAN: Oh [lava bubbling.]
[music.]
FITCH [angrily.]
: Lava launchers suck! MAN: What's going on back here? - Uh, don't shoot! - With what, my flashlight? My Velcro wallet? I'm a security guard.
- But I am gonna call the police.
- Excuse me, sorry.
Hi.
No need for that, sir, I'm his father.
Oh, well, this pool of lava in my parking lot is all right, then.
You are in a lot of trouble, young man.
Now, go wait over there while I clear things up - with this gentleman Now! - Yeah.
Don't make me take my battle strap off, son.
All right, buddy, how much is it gonna take - for you to blame this on a meteor? - 500.
- How 'bout I give you $338? - 400, then.
Oh, no, we're not bargaining.
You think I would have offered you such a specific amount if it wasn't all the money I had - on me right now? Come on.
- All right, then, throw in that and we'll call it even.
Well, since you wear a uniform, I guess I can trust you.
Take a picture.
For my OkCupid account.
Come and gat it, ladies.
There you go, that's good.
Okay, lift the gun a little bit higher.
Now look a little sexier.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's good! [music.]
- Dad, I - Shut up! Thank God you're safe! I didn't know where you were.
And I had this feeling I've never experienced before, where my heart was racing and my palms were sweating.
I looked it up online and it said it was either fear or ovarian cysts.
I just love you so much.
You know, you're my little Alangatang.
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, Dad.
You know, I just wanted those people to like me more, so [sighs.]
That goes away when you get older, right? Yeah, yeah, like ovarian cysts, I hope.
- I guess now I have to punish you, huh? - Yeah, probably.
Well, in Zephyria, we'd murder your whole family, but, obviously, that wouldn't work out for your old man here.
- Um - You could send me to my room.
Yeah, yeah.
No, that seems more appropriate, doesn't it? You know, without the Ferrari poster it's basically just a prison cell.
Oh, no.
- Really, Zorn? - What? I don't know what I'm angrier about, the fact that you're out past curfew, or that Alan isn't wearing a jacket.
- It is kinda chilly, Zorn.
- What do you have to say for yourself? - You want the truth, huh? - Uh-huh.
Okay, well, the truth is, I just I-I had to do my planetary sciences paper, and Dad said it was a good night to see the sky, 'cause Jupiter and Venus and Mr.
Egert, he said we'd get extra credit - if we chart those, so - Yep, yep, yep.
No, I told him about the, uh, the planets.
They were going nuts tonight, yeah.
Well, I guess that sort of makes sense.
- So how'd you find us? - She used "Find My Phone.
" You hacked my account? Family, please, regardless of whether or not someone completely betrayed their son's trust tonight, the important thing is I'm a better parent than you, Edie.
Well, I guess I overreacted tonight.
Alan, you are responsible.
And, Zorn, you are I guess what I'm trying to say is [lava gun blast, lava bubbling.]
[coughing.]
Ahem! My throat! [hacking, gurgling.]
Something's in my is in my throat.
[coughing.]
- I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted.
[playing air-harmonica to solo.]
[music.]
Tra la la la, bombardier This is the pilot speaking And I've got some news for you [CD skipping.]
# For yo yo yo # Aw, man! [music stops.]
Damn it! Come on!