Space Force (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1 There she is.
Sleepyhead.
Another late night? - Another early morning? - You know what they say.
Early bird catches the worm.
Know what the night owl catches? - What? - Rats.
Yeah, well, I'd rather eat a rat than a worm.
Having tried both, I think you would prefer the worms.
Rats are very sinewy in texture.
Worms go down quite easily.
That's why I That's why I call them the spaghetti of the ground.
Wow! Sounds crazy.
Uh you are going to clean up after yourself, are you not? I have to go to school.
I'm late.
Hmm.
Well, if you'd just gotten up when your alarm went off, you wouldn't be late, so clean up the counter.
Jesus Christ, Dad.
Get off my back.
I want you to go over there and wipe the counter because if you don't, it's going to attract ants.
It's really not that big a deal, okay? Quit being such a bitch about it.
Hey, hey, hey! You do not talk to me that way.
Yes, sir, General Naird.
Get your keister in there and clean the kitchen.
That is a direct order.
Damn it.
You're good with this, right? You're okay with this? Oh, he is not the father.
Uh, Mallory's in your office.
What's the point of a waiting area if nobody waits? Serious question.
Oh, uh, also, FLOTUS's office called.
The first lady has some thoughts on Space Force uniforms.
We have uniforms.
Well, she thinks they could use some refinement.
- Handle it.
- Really? I don't know much about clothing design.
No, make it go away.
Your only job is to help me.
So help me.
I'll do my best, sir.
Do my best.
The last 20 seconds has reminded me that your best is terrible.
- Understood.
- I doubt it.
- You're late.
- I have marital problems, teenager problems, FLOTUS problems.
I don't have the bandwidth for any more problems.
- What do you want? - The lunar habitat experiment.
Mmm.
Yes.
Your moon tent.
It's serious, Mark.
If we can't prove that we can live on the moon, then there is no moon base, there is no Mars base.
The lunar habitat experiment's been going on two years.
If it fails, then the whole mission is set back by that amount of time.
So what's the problem? Three spacemen and a civilian sculptor.
Jesus.
A sculptor? Why? The personality dynamics are the subject of the experiment.
The sculptor's humane creativity is meant to balance the rationality of the astronauts, but now, one week left, one of them has gone Don't say AWOL.
- mad.
- Thank God.
- I bet it was the sculptor.
- Uh, actually, it wasn't.
Okay, whatever.
Let's just find someone else and throw 'em in there.
How hard can that be? It's not that easy.
They had to be exhaustively tested - for psychological fitness.
- Mm-hmm.
If we don't get a cool, calm, collected presence in there stat, this experiment is doomed.
Maybe the Navy can loan us one of their submariners.
They have a superior mental fitness.
To be trapped underwater with 100 men's farts, you have to be so strong.
All right.
I'll do it.
Mark, though an amazing commander, you've had no psychological counseling whatsoever.
Oh, no need.
My screws are tight.
Sir, with all due respect, you'd go to pieces.
Dr.
Chan, I have been chased through the Bosnian woods by the entire Serb 3rd Army.
I think that I can spend a week in a plastic Motel 6.
I'm gonna pack my bag.
Tell my bunkmates I'm headed to Crater Camp.
Um Crater Camp! I'm headed to Crater Camp Obviously, a uniform designed by the first lady would be quite a coup, and I understand her desire to support right-wing clothing designers - out of fairness - Is that the first lady? Let me talk to her real quick.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I have to put you on hold.
One of our rockets, uh, did something.
Go away.
I'm not on with FLOTUS.
I'm on with her chief of staff.
Oh, my sweet, innocent Brad.
Chief of staff is only one step away from FLOTUS, who's only one step away from POTUS.
You gotta develop the relationship, bruh.
Well, I don't know, bruh.
Well, it's happening.
Yoink.
Hey, this is Space Force head media manager F.
Tony Scarapiducci.
Who am I speaking with? This is FLOTUS Chief of Staff Evelyn Murray.
- Evvy! Evvy! - No! - Stop that! - Oh, this is so exciting.
I can't tell you how thrilled we are that the first lady has shown interest in our Space Force uniforms.
But, of course, the process of adapting our current uniforms is complex and close to impossible.
However, doing the impossible, Evvy, it's what we're all about.
To clarify, while we welcome the first lady's input, it is very important that we manage expectations.
Translation, tell her to send over everything she's got.
We cannot wait.
I'm tingling.
I'm actually tingling, Evvy.
I'll talk to you soon.
Ha! What are you doing? Naird asked me to shut this down.
And you also just punched a general.
That is not cool.
One-star general.
Always say one-star general.
I don't have to do that.
Just follow my lead, okay, Brad? It's gonna be great.
You know, I could use a little vacation.
This is just what I need.
It's no vacation, Mark.
Relax.
I got this.
I am what used to be known in America as a man.
So let's take a make-believe trip to the fake moon, right? Decontamination process complete.
You may now enter the habitat.
Wow.
That is ripe.
Hello? - Hey.
- We're making dinner.
Come join us.
Hope you like potatoes.
Well, I'm not much of a potato man myself.
I like my starch in my collars.
But you folks have really doubled down on the potatoes.
Say, looks like nice, rich soil here.
Wow.
Have you ever considered growing asparagus? From moon dust fertilized with our feces? Oh, I never thought of that.
Hey, gang, maybe we could have grown pineapples and chocolate pies.
You must be Major Jane Pike.
Microbiologist, winner of the Carlos J.
Finlay prize.
And now I grow potatoes.
Well, I would maybe lead with the prize thing.
Captain Dave Powers, astronaut, six missions to the ISS.
Very impressive.
And yet here I am with Jerome.
Ah, yes.
The sculptor.
Have you sculpted anything that I would be familiar with? Perhaps a national monument or war memorial? I make giant phalluses out of sand.
They're in the Native American Museum in Taos.
There's also one in the desert right outside the base.
I thought that was teenagers.
Dave, I don't wanna give you any unsolicited advice - Then don't.
- but your workstation is a mess, and how you do one thing is how you do everything.
There's a sticky film on top, and, yeah, those are ants.
You've got ants in there.
- No.
- Yes, I can clearly see ants right there.
Well, that is impossible, because there are no ants on the moon.
I'd like you to clean it up.
I don't take orders from you.
We're all equals here.
Except maybe new guy.
General New Guy.
Captain, Major, sculptor, I would like you to clean this mess up.
Immediately.
Ten hut! As you were.
Sick.
Okay.
Uh, hey, guys.
My dad's away, so party at my house here night.
Feel free to forward narcs not welcome.
Peace.
Yeah, okay.
Tuck and fold and make it tight Do it once, and do it right Even front and even end Makes your rack your tidy friend Tuck and fold and make it tight Do it once and do it right Even front and even end Makes your rack Hey.
I stopped singing.
You can stop that ing.
There's a treadmill for that.
I prefer the open road.
- What are you guys up to? - Feelings survey.
- What? - I thought you said feelings survey.
Yeah, it's for Mallory.
It's a detailed diary of everything that's bothering us.
It's kind of the point of the whole thing.
Like if we're upset that we can't sleep, and then we stay up thinking about not being able to sleep, and that makes us stay up even longer.
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
You did not put that down.
I did.
That is not upset.
Upset is getting your plane shot out from under you.
Upset is when a so-called smart bomb misses the tank and hits a tour bus.
That is upset.
I will go out on a limb and say that none of you have ever actually been upset.
Gah! Goddamn it! Who put the tube on the track? You broke it.
No, it still bears weight.
Not your foot.
My didgeridoo.
Oh, stop talking baby talk.
You're a grown man.
This was my one personal item.
Now I have nothing.
Well, maybe it would not have happened if any of you knew how to keep an environment clean.
I'll have you know that clutter often goes hand in hand with creativity.
Well, kudos.
Both you and my child are very creative.
Oh, my There's no way to fix it? He's got issues.
That's what I mean.
I think he did it on purpose.
Why can't he just follow the rules like everyone else? What seemed like an accident Okay.
Hey Oh.
Twenty pies for Erin Naird.
Am I at the wrong house? No.
Just give them to me.
Twenty pizzas is a lot of pizzas.
Yeah.
Okay.
Cool.
Thanks.
What are we missing? - Whipped cream.
- Yes.
We have to have whipped cream.
How's that? More, Daddy.
More.
All right.
All right Here's a little bit more then.
How about that? More, Daddy! I didn't expect that answer! There you go.
- More, Daddy! - Bah! All right! Let's eat.
I heard him moaning, "Daddy will give you more cream," over and over.
Ew.
That dude just makes me uncomfortable.
I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next few days.
Subject four was supposed to balance the dynamic, but he's actually destabilizing it.
Instead of a solid four-sided square, it's become a triangle of spite against him.
His blood pressure is spiking.
And his bowel movements have become miserly and unspontaneous.
Damn it.
A lifetime of military jackassery has taught him to repress and displace everything.
All this man does is eat his feelings.
Who knows what he is holding inside.
From the look of it, sir, mostly mashed potatoes.
Whoa Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd wear these.
- Yeah, so would the Greatest Showman.
- Okay, you know what? The movie might have sucked, but that soundtrack was fire.
Yeah It's FLOTUS's office.
I'm ending this.
General Gregory speaking.
Did you get the uniforms? - Uh, yes, we did, and I have to, uh - Yes, yes, yes! And they were to die for.
But as wonderful as they are, we do have some practical concerns about functionality.
Have your troops tried them on? - Well - Uh, no.
No.
Well, FLOTUS would like to see some pictures of them in action.
Uh, let me think about that.
We thought about it, and, Evvy, we are all over that.
All right, Cap'n, show me what I wanna see.
Ooh, 'kay.
Now spin it.
Now pull it.
- Now bop it.
- No.
- Bap it! - No.
Why am I in a cape? I mean, she knows we're not Avengers, right? How many buttons does a jacket need? By the time I get this on, the war will be over.
Why are all these seams pointing to my wenis? Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you Tommy Hilfiger? - What? - No? Are you Hugo Boss? - Who? - No? Then shut the fuck up and bap it.
- Dude, I think he sewed them.
- No, I didn't sew them.
- Did you sew them? - No, I didn't, but the woman who did is an absolute genius and has earned our respect, so please just pretend like you're into it, okay? I'm sorry, I can't, because I'm actually not that good of an actor.
General.
Hmm? I'm sorry.
FLOTUS doesn't have the power to force us to wear these.
I don't think.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
I like your - Oh, the cornrows? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, my roommate did it.
Yeah.
It's not appropriation when they do it to you.
Oh.
How are you? How's school going? Are you making new friends? I really miss DC.
Yeah, I do too.
Also, my freedom.
But, honey, it's important to adapt.
Try to fit in.
That's why I joined a gang.
Did I say gang? I meant club.
Basically, it's a book club.
How's Daddy? Insane.
He treats me like a total child and then leaves me with a Post-it Note.
"Bye.
See you in a week.
Going into the lunar habitat.
Don't call.
" Oh, I'm sorry.
What's wrong with him? I don't know, really.
And neither does he.
You know, those top military guys, they're too afraid to get into therapy because they can have their security clearance taken away.
Ah! - Okay.
Well, that explains a lot.
- But poor Daddy.
A week away in a lunar habitat, alone with his thoughts? I spent two days in solitary, and it almost broke me.
Wait.
What? I did what I had to do.
You take away my sourdough bread, you're gonna get poisoned.
- Time's up.
- Mom.
He's probably feeling lonely too, so you gotta be there for each other.
Too? That hair is a cry for help.
It's a cry for help, just like Daddy's lunar habitat.
I prefer the brown hair.
The brown hair! Sorry I'm late.
Nobody told me about dinner.
It's all in the schedule.
Maybe get with the program.
No problem.
I'll just whip up a bit of the old potato.
God.
Mark.
Mark.
Mark! Huh? What? - Hey.
- Huh? Are you okay? Yeah.
Do you want some scotch? I've got a swallow left.
No, I'm good.
All right.
Well, uh, maybe just try to scream slightly less? - Roger that.
- Good night.
I like bread and butter I like toast and jam That's what my baby feeds me I'm her loving man Well She don't cook mashed potatoes She don't cook T-bone steaks Don't give me peanut butter She knows that I can't take Well, she don't cook mashed potatoes She don't cook T-bone steaks What are you doing? I gotta go for a real run.
Work off some of this energy.
Don't forget your space suit.
You can't breathe on the moon.
Turn back, Mark.
You're overheating.
Sweat is weakness leaving the body.
Your heart rate is quite high.
And he still hasn't had a bowel movement.
Go back to the habitat, Mark.
I can't have this experiment fall apart because you're too stubborn to admit that you weren't right for this mission.
Brad? Brad, are you on the phone? Brad! Go away.
You better not be making that phone call, Brad.
I am.
I'm ending this.
Brad.
Sweet Brad, don't ruin this for us! So, what do you think? Uh, that's a great question.
You ask, uh, very good questions.
And the answer is? Ma'am, this is very difficult for me to say, but the uniforms, well, they're just not working for us.
I'm sorry, but, respectfully, we can't go in this direction.
Okay.
We'll send some more options.
Sounds good.
Come on, Brad! Get out of there, toad.
He's alive.
No, no, no.
Don't get up.
You're too weak.
Ah I'm not weak.
You're weak.
Oh.
Here.
Eat something.
Mm.
Sorry.
Potatoes again.
I've had worse.
Rats.
Worms.
Rabbit when I got lucky.
I've eaten bugs.
Where'd you eat bugs, Mark? I don't know.
Various places.
Bosnia.
I crash-landed in hostile territory.
I was in the woods for ten days.
On the run.
Alone.
You're not alone now.
Let us help.
And POTUS wants boots on the moon by 2024.
How's that even possible? I don't know.
Plus, China and Russia are trying to take out our internet every day.
Mmm.
People really like the internet.
- They're always checking it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And if I can't protect it Well, that's a lot of stress.
Yeah.
My daughter and I fight constantly.
Half the time, I don't even know what we're fighting about.
Well, what about your wife? Can she help? She's pretty much out of the equation.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
Have some more tea.
Tea fixes everything.
Oh.
Thank you, Jerome.
Nutley, New Jersey.
I would love to get my parents into one of those assisted living centers, but they're so damn expensive, and my dad is really proud.
He doesn't wanna go.
My mom's not quite all there, so it'd be tough for her too.
Mm.
That's hard.
Yeah.
Well we struggle on.
- Yep.
- Mmm.
I am going to hit the sack.
Thank you for letting me get that off my back.
Any time.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Was that shit real about the planet-killing laser? I'm just hoping it was a metaphor.
Yeah.
It's probably probably a metaphor.
Yeah.
Mmm.
He likes bread and butter He likes toast and jam That's what his baby feeds him And he's her loving man Well, she don't make mashed potatoes She don't make T-bone steaks She don't feed me peanut butter Wow.
What an adventure.
I've only been here a week.
I feel like I went to the moon.
And beyond.
You did, Mark.
You took a trip inside your soul.
Stared into a darkness more empty than space itself.
Ah, art.
I'm glad you're here, Jerome.
People need feelings.
Shall we? Spacemen, let's head home.
- Hey, Brad.
- Oh, didn't expect you tonight.
Anything happen while I was gone? Uh, it was, uh, pretty uneventful.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
How was the moon? It was good.
Glad to be back.
Yeah, I'm sure you are.
Uh, let's take the elevator.
You're tired.
Yeah.
Here we go.
You will get rid of those uniforms by tomorrow.
It's Fuck Tony.
He's impossible.
I did a great job while you were gone.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night, Bradley.
Erin? Dad? - Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry about the mess.
I got ice cream.
You want some? Yeah, that sounds good.