Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s01e04 Episode Script
CHiPs
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Hi, I am space ghost.
Welcome to the show.
Cool.
Chips.
Joining me tonight, author bill Carter, originator of
the talk show, Joe Franklin, and talk show legend Johnny Carson.
Please say hello to the band, zorak and the zorak!
What?
- Get down from there!
- From where?
From the ceiling.
No.
Zorak, you get down from that ceiling and play me to the desk.
No.
Aw, this isn't fun anymore.
Baby.
Why couldn't I be scraping him off my windshield?
All righty. My first guest chronicled the first nope.
All righty.
My first guest chronicled the first known battle for the night.
Please welcome bill Carter.
Ok, let's go.
Welcome, citizen bill.
How are you?
- Oh, very good.
- How are you?
Uh-huh.
Right.
And the name of your book is?
The late shift.
Give us the name in its entirety!
ft:
Letterman, leno, and the network battle for the night.
See, I've got it memorized.
I see.
Bill, I'm part of the late night talk show war.
Why wasn't I included in your book?
You hadn't gotten your show yet.
Lee Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee
But, you know, maybe when we get
to the paperback, you'll be a hit.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Good one, bill.
Ha ha ha ha That was that was a good one.
Bill, in your book, you reverance 11
I said, you reverance 11:30.
What type of weapon is that and why is it so desirable?
It's a it's a very, uh A profit-making weapon.
It makes a lot of money for anyone who owns it.
I see.
You know, I don't remember letterman or leno as superheroes,
but I do remember conan.
Yeah, he was a he was a very powerful superhero himself.
He had wit and muscle.
Unfortunately, that hasn't translated
quite as well to television.
His chest size does look diminished.
Mm-hmm.
You know, bill, I could lift the
empire state building if I wanted.
That is a feat.
Now, if you put that on television, you're gonna get ratings.
I wish I had a dollar for every time people have told me that.
When do you wish for a dollar?
I wish I had a dollar for every time
I've been asked, "why is late night
important?"
So if you've been asked that, say,
12 times, then you would have, uh
I don't know.
Let's see, that's 12 times About $93!
Yeah.
That's a lot of dough.
Yeah. That gives you a lot of power.
Speaking of power, Johnny Carson's here tonight.
You don't think he wants my show, do you?
I think he's enjoying his retirement.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Me too.
Say, bill. How do you like my show so far?
Uh, I think probably Jay gives a better monologue.
What's a monologue?
It's a it's, uh, the part of the
show where the host sets you free.
Are you sure, zorak?
Would I lie to you, sugar?
Of course you would.
- Hey, bill.
- Look at zorak.
Have you ever seen evil so personified
as you do in his skeletal shell?
That's his strength.
I could break his stick body in half if I wanted to.
And I want to.
Looks like looks sort of bony.
Locusts have hollow bones.
Well, there was a point in time
when there was some question about
him being on television because an executive
said his face scared - small children.
No kidding.
Before you go, bill, do you have any words of wisdom to tell us?
I'm not a small child.
- There you have it.
- He's not a small child.
Thanks for being with us, bill.
Thanks, I hope that was what you wanted.
My next guest is recently retired
space ghost, bill is still here.
Zorak, what's that thing on your head?
It's my wig.
Well, take it off.
Uh, where's the funny part come in?
Need a coin for the bus, bill?
I'm gonna be taking the subway.
Ahhhhhhhh!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.
My next guest has recently retired from the late night battle.
Please welcome Joe Franklin.
This the rehearsal, or are we taping?
Citizen Joe, we're thrilled to have you on.
Pleasure.
- Planet?
- Gooey.
- Deer tick.
- Who knows?
Tell us what's in your pocket.
I've got my oxygen pen yeah, whatever.
So when were you born?
I was born at a very early age.
You've written millions of books,
and you were television's first
talk show host.
How did it all begin?
When I was born, something horrible happened.
I lived.
And then, what I did, was decide to become a talk show host.
I was 17. I figured I would try it for about 6 months.
And that was 431/2 years ago.
43 years in the business?
You must have talked to a lot of people.
Well, for the sake of accuracy, over 300,000.
What advice can you give me?
The main function is to get the plug out of the way first.
You want to plug something, don't you, Joe?
Yeah, I think so.
Go ahead.
I'm doing a lot of radio.
I'm on wor all night, doing the memory Lane show,
I'm on a very popular new
station called wbbr We have to do a commercial, Joe.
I do nostalgia news all day long
We have to do a commercial, Joe.
Drama critic, I've got We will be right back.
We now return to Whatever.
My new book is now in its third printing,
'cause the first 2 printings
were blurred.
All righty, we're back.
Hey, zorak, is that a new wig?
What wig?
That wig!
It's Ken, the satellite guy.
I've got Johnny Carson standing by on star feed14.
Thanks.
- Help me!
- Get me out, please!
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Tell us, Joe did you have a band?
Well, I had a band once.
It was a band of 2 people, a drummer Baby.
And a pianist.
And the trouble was the pianist
kept running into the control room
- to always hear how the band sounded.
- Indeed.
You know, Barbara Streisand was my singer.
That sounds like fun.
Joe, who was your favorite guest ever?
I would say bing Crosby.
Wasn't he an android?
I always thought of bing being,
what you would say, mechanically reproduced.
I always thought of bing Crosby Joe, you're Mr. talk show.
You started all of this.
Cough up some tips.
Number one, main ingredient, as I've said before, is sincerity.
Mm-hmm.
And once you've learned to fake that, then you got it made.
Thank you, Joe, for what is,
without a doubt, our best interview yet.
- Well, you're a great host.
- You're a great interviewer.
- You really are.
- Fantastic.
- Look, Joe.
- We have to run.
Any final thoughts?
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
No, I mean something that we can use.
On that promissory note.
Joe Franklin.
He's a Uh. What are you, Joe?
Tv legend.
Tv legend.
Speaking of legends, it's my great
honor to say he-e-e-ere's Johnny!
Come on, come on, come on, get to the wreck.
Here's Johnny!
Come on, wreck. Wreck!
Wreck! Wreck!
I said here's Johnny!
Where's the where's the feed?
Bom, bom bom, bom, bom, bom-bom
No!
He-e-e-e-e-e-e-re E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-re's Johnny!
Johnny? Johnny?
Whatever.
Greetings, Johnny.
Boy, it's a gr you have pinchers.
Yes.
So how's ed and doc?
Fine, fine, fine.
No kidding.
You're not Johnny Carson, are you?
Yes!
Really?
MmmmNo.
Ok.
Dee Dee Dee-Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee
Hi, I am space ghost.
Welcome to the show.
Cool.
Chips.
Joining me tonight, author bill Carter, originator of
the talk show, Joe Franklin, and talk show legend Johnny Carson.
Please say hello to the band, zorak and the zorak!
What?
- Get down from there!
- From where?
From the ceiling.
No.
Zorak, you get down from that ceiling and play me to the desk.
No.
Aw, this isn't fun anymore.
Baby.
Why couldn't I be scraping him off my windshield?
All righty. My first guest chronicled the first nope.
All righty.
My first guest chronicled the first known battle for the night.
Please welcome bill Carter.
Ok, let's go.
Welcome, citizen bill.
How are you?
- Oh, very good.
- How are you?
Uh-huh.
Right.
And the name of your book is?
The late shift.
Give us the name in its entirety!
ft:
Letterman, leno, and the network battle for the night.
See, I've got it memorized.
I see.
Bill, I'm part of the late night talk show war.
Why wasn't I included in your book?
You hadn't gotten your show yet.
Lee Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee
But, you know, maybe when we get
to the paperback, you'll be a hit.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Good one, bill.
Ha ha ha ha That was that was a good one.
Bill, in your book, you reverance 11
I said, you reverance 11:30.
What type of weapon is that and why is it so desirable?
It's a it's a very, uh A profit-making weapon.
It makes a lot of money for anyone who owns it.
I see.
You know, I don't remember letterman or leno as superheroes,
but I do remember conan.
Yeah, he was a he was a very powerful superhero himself.
He had wit and muscle.
Unfortunately, that hasn't translated
quite as well to television.
His chest size does look diminished.
Mm-hmm.
You know, bill, I could lift the
empire state building if I wanted.
That is a feat.
Now, if you put that on television, you're gonna get ratings.
I wish I had a dollar for every time people have told me that.
When do you wish for a dollar?
I wish I had a dollar for every time
I've been asked, "why is late night
important?"
So if you've been asked that, say,
12 times, then you would have, uh
I don't know.
Let's see, that's 12 times About $93!
Yeah.
That's a lot of dough.
Yeah. That gives you a lot of power.
Speaking of power, Johnny Carson's here tonight.
You don't think he wants my show, do you?
I think he's enjoying his retirement.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Me too.
Say, bill. How do you like my show so far?
Uh, I think probably Jay gives a better monologue.
What's a monologue?
It's a it's, uh, the part of the
show where the host sets you free.
Are you sure, zorak?
Would I lie to you, sugar?
Of course you would.
- Hey, bill.
- Look at zorak.
Have you ever seen evil so personified
as you do in his skeletal shell?
That's his strength.
I could break his stick body in half if I wanted to.
And I want to.
Looks like looks sort of bony.
Locusts have hollow bones.
Well, there was a point in time
when there was some question about
him being on television because an executive
said his face scared - small children.
No kidding.
Before you go, bill, do you have any words of wisdom to tell us?
I'm not a small child.
- There you have it.
- He's not a small child.
Thanks for being with us, bill.
Thanks, I hope that was what you wanted.
My next guest is recently retired
space ghost, bill is still here.
Zorak, what's that thing on your head?
It's my wig.
Well, take it off.
Uh, where's the funny part come in?
Need a coin for the bus, bill?
I'm gonna be taking the subway.
Ahhhhhhhh!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.
My next guest has recently retired from the late night battle.
Please welcome Joe Franklin.
This the rehearsal, or are we taping?
Citizen Joe, we're thrilled to have you on.
Pleasure.
- Planet?
- Gooey.
- Deer tick.
- Who knows?
Tell us what's in your pocket.
I've got my oxygen pen yeah, whatever.
So when were you born?
I was born at a very early age.
You've written millions of books,
and you were television's first
talk show host.
How did it all begin?
When I was born, something horrible happened.
I lived.
And then, what I did, was decide to become a talk show host.
I was 17. I figured I would try it for about 6 months.
And that was 431/2 years ago.
43 years in the business?
You must have talked to a lot of people.
Well, for the sake of accuracy, over 300,000.
What advice can you give me?
The main function is to get the plug out of the way first.
You want to plug something, don't you, Joe?
Yeah, I think so.
Go ahead.
I'm doing a lot of radio.
I'm on wor all night, doing the memory Lane show,
I'm on a very popular new
station called wbbr We have to do a commercial, Joe.
I do nostalgia news all day long
We have to do a commercial, Joe.
Drama critic, I've got We will be right back.
We now return to Whatever.
My new book is now in its third printing,
'cause the first 2 printings
were blurred.
All righty, we're back.
Hey, zorak, is that a new wig?
What wig?
That wig!
It's Ken, the satellite guy.
I've got Johnny Carson standing by on star feed14.
Thanks.
- Help me!
- Get me out, please!
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Tell us, Joe did you have a band?
Well, I had a band once.
It was a band of 2 people, a drummer Baby.
And a pianist.
And the trouble was the pianist
kept running into the control room
- to always hear how the band sounded.
- Indeed.
You know, Barbara Streisand was my singer.
That sounds like fun.
Joe, who was your favorite guest ever?
I would say bing Crosby.
Wasn't he an android?
I always thought of bing being,
what you would say, mechanically reproduced.
I always thought of bing Crosby Joe, you're Mr. talk show.
You started all of this.
Cough up some tips.
Number one, main ingredient, as I've said before, is sincerity.
Mm-hmm.
And once you've learned to fake that, then you got it made.
Thank you, Joe, for what is,
without a doubt, our best interview yet.
- Well, you're a great host.
- You're a great interviewer.
- You really are.
- Fantastic.
- Look, Joe.
- We have to run.
Any final thoughts?
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
No, I mean something that we can use.
On that promissory note.
Joe Franklin.
He's a Uh. What are you, Joe?
Tv legend.
Tv legend.
Speaking of legends, it's my great
honor to say he-e-e-ere's Johnny!
Come on, come on, come on, get to the wreck.
Here's Johnny!
Come on, wreck. Wreck!
Wreck! Wreck!
I said here's Johnny!
Where's the where's the feed?
Bom, bom bom, bom, bom, bom-bom
No!
He-e-e-e-e-e-e-re E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-re's Johnny!
Johnny? Johnny?
Whatever.
Greetings, Johnny.
Boy, it's a gr you have pinchers.
Yes.
So how's ed and doc?
Fine, fine, fine.
No kidding.
You're not Johnny Carson, are you?
Yes!
Really?
MmmmNo.
Ok.
Dee Dee Dee-Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee