Spaced s01e04 Episode Script

1 It's over.
I I can't believe it.
Listen, Richard, we had a great time.
Maybe I even loved you but times change.
I've got to think about me, about my life.
The Guardian want me to write this pop column.
I'm going to Fuji to interview the Fugees, Maui for Bowie, Malaga for the Gallaghers.
I'm going to be meeting new people.
'I just don't think I'll have time for you.
' I'm sorry but I think this is best for both of us.
'In the long run you'll thank me.
' 'I'm meeting loads of new people and that doesn't leave any room in my life for you.
' 'It's over, Daisy.
' It's over I can't I can't believe it.
(Phone line goes dead) Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) Rich has finished with me.
It's hardly surprising.
You were getting off with people behind his back.
How come he finished with you? Cos I was getting off with people behind his back.
- How did he find out? - Well, I told him.
Y'know You You told me to tell him.
You said it would clear the air, you know.
Strengthen our relationship.
- I didn't mean it! - Oh, you're evil.
I'm not the deceiver here.
I'm not the cheating harpy! You're so damaged.
Just cos Sarah hurt you, you're wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.
Yes.
Yes.
(Shouts) And I'd do it again, I tell you! I'd do it again in an instant! (Laughs manically) (Smash) Sorry.
Sorry.
So, um Are you OK? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine, I s'pose.
I mean It was inevitable really.
Neither of us were giving it the time it deserved.
It was It was my fault.
I just I feel - Tim! - What? You said you were fine.
(Knock) Brian? Brian? (Shuts door) Brian? (Tuts) (Door opens and closes) (Crazed laughter) (Creaking) Er, no! Johnny! Agh! Er Oh! Help me, I'm stuck.
"Why should I?" this, "Why should I?" that! Why don't you start taking some responsibility in your life? Leave me alone! Don't think I'm going to tidy it! It'll remain in that state till you return! That's if you return.
Quite frankly, I don't give two shits if you come back or not! Ooh! Hello, kitten.
Fancy a dab of Rioja? Oh, just a splash.
(Birdsong) - Can I borrow a tea bag? - Only if you bring it back.
You can have a tea bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
What are you playing? Tomb Raider III.
- (Lara Croft groans) - She's drowning.
Yeah.
- Is that the point of the game? - Depends what mood you're in, really.
What sort of mood you in, then? Well, I just got a letter from my ex-girlfriend, three months late, explaining why she dumped me.
It was full of "You'll always be special" and "I'll always love you" platitudes designed to make me feel better while appeasing her sense of guilt for running off with a slimy City boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything.
- So it didn't really work, then? - No, it made me wanna drown things! You've got some paint on you.
It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexivity of Rembrandt.
- Did he like it? - He's dead.
- Bloody hell, that really backfired.
- (Lara screams) Tell me all about it, kitten.
Split up with my boyfriend.
Oh, well I can't say I'm surprised.
I heard Tim shouting at you a couple of nights ago, I was shocked.
- What? - "You stupid cow.
" Something about a key.
"You can't shoot straight, you big-titted bitch.
" (Laughs) No No, no, that was Lara Croft.
- Well, it sounded like Tim.
- No, it was Tim.
He was talking to Lara Croft, a video-game character.
He gets very frustrated.
Is that what the problem was? - What do you mean? - Is that why you split, he's got no patience? Shit! "If we pretend we're a couple, this flat could be ours.
" "It's madness! It'll never work!" "Trust me, Tim, she'll never find out.
" (Mocking) Trust me, Tim, she'll never find out.
Shut up! Think! Think, think! Think.
I'm thinking Could Tim and I, could we have Could we have There, right in front of you! - A plate? - Dog! - A dog! - Yeah, good one(!) - A dog? - A dog.
A dog.
Cos if we had a dog, then it would help us stay together because it would be like having a child, only hairier, smaller, wilder, quicker, smellier.
(Laughs nervously) I don't see why not.
Well good.
I've always wanted a dog actually.
(Mimics dog's bark) All right, mate, yeah.
(Laughs) No, I'm really looking forward to it.
We're going to kick some serious ass, mofo.
Yeah, all right, I'll see you later.
Over and out.
(Pants like a dog) Who was that? It was Mike.
We're going paintballing later.
- I thought he was banned? - No, only for six months.
How does that poor accountant feel about it? (Gunfire and shells whistle through air) I dunno.
(Barks loudly) - What you doing?! - Marsha says that we can have a dog.
- What?! - We can have a dog! Isn't that great? (Barks and growls like a dog) Stop it! What d'you want a dog for, you'll only end up seeing other dogs on the side? (Whines) Don't you want to get a dog? - No.
- Why not? What are you frightened of? I'm not frightened of anything, why would I be frightened? ( Roobarb and Custard Theme) (Screams) (Barking) You're scared of them, aren't you? - No.
- Yes, you are.
All right, I had a minor phobia when I was a kid.
- How minor? - I had to have counselling.
Really? Sorry.
She said I had canophobia.
I thought "Great, now I'm frightened of bamboo too.
" - How many times did you go? - Three or four.
It started to work, you know.
She said I had as much chance of being struck by lightning as I had of being bitten by a dog.
So what's the problem? Well, I was leaving the practice one day, feeling really well-adjusted and happy, and this fucking great Alsatian came haring down the road towards me, jaws slung with bloody slaver, eyes lit by the fires of Hades' eternal damned kingdom.
It leapt into the air, I remember thinking "This is it, I'm seven years old and this is the end.
" Fortunately, Lady Luck was smiling at me that day.
- What happened? - I got struck by lightning.
- What?! - It hurt but it scared the shit out of the dog.
- Now you're scared of dogs and lightning? - And bamboo.
It's funny, really.
I always really wanted a dog when I was little.
But I wasn't allowed one.
Really? (Barking) Play with me! Oh, please play with me, please! I don't know, Daisy.
Look, I know I've sprung this on you, you know? If you don't like it, I'll understand.
But I really need this, you know? I mean I'll do everything for it, you know? I'll feed it and I'll walk it and I'll I'll change its little hutch.
And if you still don't like it, then, well we'll kill it.
- All right.
- Wahoo! - But not a big one.
- All right.
(Growls) Sorry! Sorry, sorry.
It could be good for you, it could be the turning point.
It might help you conquer your fear.
Stop trying to get your own way by turning everything into a psychodrama that somehow benefits me, OK? I am my own person.
I will deal with my problems in whatever way I see fit.
Aagghh! Get away from me! Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails (Barking) I can't believe you brought me here.
- It's great, isn't it? - It smells.
- Twist! - It smells.
- Hi! - Hello.
I'm Daisy Steiner, this is my friend, Twist.
- Twist.
- Mm.
My parents were hippies.
I see.
What can I do for you? - We'd like to buy a dog.
- You'd like to buy a dog.
Yes, I'd like to buy a dog.
Yes, erm there.
Have you owned a dog before? Mm sort of.
Sort of? ( Animal Magic Theme) Come on, boy! (Whispers) No.
Now, I want you to think very carefully before you choose a dog.
Can I afford to keep it? Will I be able to take it for walks twice a day, if not more? Can I give it a secure, loving home? Um yes.
(Sneezes) ( Military drumming) OK, number one, don't eat the paintballs.
Number two, this is just a game.
If you take it too seriously, you're only gonna be hurting yourself.
It's not war, it's just an exercise in teamwork and tactics.
You go too far, you will get banned.
Eh! Groovy! Shit.
Oh! (Daisy) Oh.
He's been with us a while now.
- ( Dance Of The Suger Plum Fairy) - It's his last day here.
Why, somebody bought him? Dogs only stay with us for a limited period.
- Where do they go after that? - Heaven? A gay club?! No, Miss Steiner.
We put them down.
All of them.
No! (Daisy wails) No! No! No! Come on, Colin, we're taking you away from this place! - Colin? - That's what I called my box.
( Military drumming) Hi, Dom, yeah.
This is Duane Benzie.
This is Duane Benzie.
(Echoes) How you doing? ( Baywatch Theme) (Laughter) Tim, your girlfriend's very beautiful.
(Laughs nervously) ( Psycho Theme) Tim, hi.
I didn't expect to see you here.
You never struck me as the outdoor type.
What? That reminds me.
You left some stuff at the flat.
Well, I think it's your stuff.
The bag was full of comics and toys.
I was thinking maybe I'd drop it round in the car, save you the trip.
You stole my girlfriend.
(Sighs) Tim, now come on.
I didn't want it to be like this.
It wasn't meant to be personal.
You don't choose who you fall in love with.
When you get that feeling, it's like - (Huskily) Sexual.
- Like a force beyond your control.
You know what they say about love and war? Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.
Talking of which, what team are you on, A or B? Er, we're B.
Me too.
Looks like we'll be fighting side by side.
Who knows, maybe that's what we need.
(Mimics gun going off) Later.
I've rehearsed that moment a thousand times.
- Is that the first time you've seen him since - Yes.
I think I was pretty cool.
I could have flown off the handle, smashed his face in, set fire to him, but I didn't.
- What will you do when you see him next? - I'm gonna set fire to him.
(Coos) Hello! Hello! Hello! Ahh! Now, you stay there! You stay there! Mummy's going to make a cup of tea.
Ahh! We're gonna be best friends.
We're gonna have such fun.
Ahh! Do you want something to eat? - Yes, please.
- Where is it, then? - (Gasps) The little dog? (Squeaks) The bandanna, isn't it? It makes me look stupid.
- Ahh! - Do you want me to take it off? - C-Colin.
- No, Daisy, it's Brian.
I think you're sitting on my dog.
Oh, my God.
Look, I'll count to three and then stand up.
- OK? - I can't watch.
One two three.
Go! Go! Go! Agh! (Laughs manically) - The flag's to the northwest.
- How do you know? I've just seen it.
- Oh, this is so exciting! - Is this your first time, kid? - I'm 36.
- Is this your first time, old man? Yeah.
I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
- I've always fancied myself.
- I've always fancied you.
Not here.
- Have you ever done this before? - You could say that.
What do you mean? Let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.
You've seen combat? Where? Erm on the television.
You said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun.
- He didn't.
- What did you use? It was a big stick.
- I'm going for the flag.
- You shouldn't do that.
We're deep in enemy territory, we've got to choose our moment carefully.
This place is swarming with A's, they're not just in the jungle, they are the jungle.
What do you think this is, Vietnam? Yeah.
Son of a bitch! He didn't mean it! He didn't mean it! You didn't mean it.
Say (High voice) "I didn't mean it, Colin.
" - I didn't mean it, Colin.
- No, like I said it.
(High voice) I didn't mean it, Colin.
There.
Yes, good boy! He's beautiful.
Reminds me of my own dog, Pompom.
- I didn't know you had a dog.
- As a child, yeah.
Used to spend hours playing together in the garden.
I'd dress him up in period costumes and take amusing photographs.
Loved him so much.
It was tragic, really.
Why? One day we were playing in the street, I was taking some pictures of him dressed as an Elizabethan merchant.
Suddenly, something caught his eye.
Maybe it was a stray tomcat or a brightly coloured ball bouncing out of sight, or maybe the stick I threw.
He ran out into the main road, exploded under an articulated lorry.
He blew up? No, the weight of the truck on his frail body burst him like a cheap party balloon, sending his ruff forty feet into the air.
There, you see? Such vibrant colours.
(Groaning) That paintball was meant for me, he's made this personal.
He made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.
Now he's made it more personal.
Doesn't get more personal than sleeping with your girlfriend.
For Christ's sake, Mike! Have you ever considered thinking about what you're gonna say before you say it? Perhaps you could set up a checkpoint to vet your thoughts for insensitivity.
You hate me.
You're only going out with me cos of what happened when we were little.
Oh! Mike! Mike? Mike! You know, Daisy, this is gonna be a big responsibility.
Dogs are like kids: Want, want, want.
He is a little life.
He has needs.
I know, Marsha, I do, I really do.
I'm not just gonna discard him as soon as he's served his purpose.
He's a living thing, he's not just some kind of novelty toy.
(Flash) Come on, little Colin, dance for me! Ha, ha, ha! Dance! Yes, come on, Colin, dance, dance! - Dance, dance, dance, dance - (Laughs manically) - Oh! - Dance for me! Dance! - Dance! - Ha! Ha! Ha! Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
(Mobile rings) - (Mobile continues ringing) - Saved by the bell.
- Aren't you gonna answer that? - I've got an answering service.
- You've got an answer for everything.
- I can't believe you just said that.
Neither can (Splutters) Neither can I.
Tim, firing these guns at such close range is very dangerous.
- You were just about to shoot me.
- In the back of the head, yeah.
In the face, it's a lot different.
Look, if we're gonna do this, let's at least be sporting about it.
What do you say, 20 paces? - OK.
- OK.
Ha! Oh.
Ha, ha, ha.
You see, Tim, that's the difference between you and I.
Organisation.
Careful thinking.
Forward planning.
That is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit.
With cheap porn.
(Yells) Timmmmy! It's not a bedsit.
It's a flat.
Aarrgghh! Yes! No, Mike! Mike! Mike! Oh, Jesus, no! (Sobs) Medic! Is that you, Tim? I'm here, man, just hold on, hold on! I'm tired, Tim.
Just, er (Sobs) Everything's gonna be fine, I promise.
(Sobs) I'm sorry I said those things, I just I wasn't thinking straight.
I can say pretty stupid things myself, sometimes.
Oh, Mike, I'm the stupid one, I've always been the stupid one.
(Sobs) What you laughing at? I guess I got to be the hero after all.
Yeah, I guess you did.
I've gotta I've gotta sleep.
No, no, Mike, stay with me! - I'm so tired.
- No, Mike! - Bye, old friend.
- No, Mike! (Splutters) No! - I really enjoyed that today.
- Me too.
- You always enjoy it.
- I enjoyed it more than usual.
(Laughter) I feel cleansed.
It's been a really good day.
That, my friend, is the beauty of simulated violence.
Let's pick up Daisy and go down the pub.
I haven't got a care in the world.
- (Thunder) - Hey, viano tormenty.
What did you say? I said there's a storm coming.
(Rumble of thunder) ( Dramatic choral) Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)