Spirited (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
I Remember Nothing
1 With the radio on and this is what it said They're gonna stick a warhead Down in Wandsworth Common We all say, "Fine" "Well, come on, then!" I see the rats rise up They never tell it like it really is On the BBC We're all down in the bullpen now But we ain't got nothing to say I'm living in the USA In Wandsworth, USA Is he still alive? Oh, my God! We're all down in the bullpen now But we ain't got nothing to say He came! In Wandsworth, USA God bless you people! What the hell are you doing here?! Clear off! You're trespassing! Henry Mallet's in! Henry! We're here! - Someone's let a bunch of hooligans in! - Excuse me? Security breach! What's going on? It's worked.
They've come! Do you know these people? What people? Told you they'd come.
Where from? Prison? Can we invite them up? Go on.
Look at 'em.
They look hungry.
What, to my apartment? They're only people! Oh, now, that's just silly.
They should have packed a knife.
Or at least premade them.
Yeah, rock'n'roll.
Henry, I have children.
You know what? I think I liked you better before, when you were high.
I liked you better when I was high too.
I don't get it.
The other night, you were all Joni Mitchell and lovely and an actual human being.
Look at them.
They've got music, singing.
Oh, I have music and singing.
You can't sing.
Here to the best we aspire Be it work with hand or brain We have learned, if we win, to aim higher If we lose, to press forward again Swell, swell the chorus In praise of the school we love Swell, swell the chorus In praise of the school we love.
Wow.
I feel like one of those middle-aged women who siphons money from suburban banks and friends get interviewed and they say, "I would never have guessed it.
" Remember, um, you said it might be best to tell your husband what you need from him? Did I? I don't know.
Did you? No, I didn't.
And you also said you wanted to end the affair.
"The", um "The ".
.
obsession was overtaking the excitement.
"It was becoming an addiction.
" I don't remember.
God! I tell you what.
Let's set out a plan.
OK? How about for one week you don't answer Sam's calls and you don't call him back? And explain to your husband exactly what you need from him.
OK? Give it a chance to get better.
And now you can have a jelly bean.
You know what occurred to me the other day, Julie? You've been my patient now for six years.
Oh.
Wow.
Really? Yeah.
Doesn't really feel that long, does it? Uh-uh.
No.
It just feels like yesterday.
That you came in with mild pulpitis and overcrowding.
And look at you now.
And I've got this policy that when a patient has been coming to me for over six years, I take them out for a drink.
No, I'm just kidding! That is not a policy of mine.
But it could be, couldn't it, Linda? Of course.
It's an interesting idea.
But I did think that, you know, maybe we haven't hung out together and maybe it would be nice to go and have a drink one evening.
Or a coffee.
I like art too if you'd like to go to a gallery.
Have I got tongue cancer or something? What? No! I mean, you would just tell me if I did? Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh! No, I just thought you know, given we've known each other for such a long time, we might be friends.
Talk to the booty, 'cause the face don't wanna know You're just like your mama, and your mama is a ho You're a loser, a wannabe T-t-t-t-totally.
You OK? Yeah.
Why? Oh, no, well, it's just you usually don't, um I beg your pardon? Choose to speak to people.
Linda! Oh, God.
Sometimes I wonder where your head is at.
I talk to my patients all day long.
Oh, my goodness.
God.
"Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
" OK.
Oh, but there's this girl that I know.
I mean, she's a bit like you.
In that she's busy.
And she has just made these great friends on this networking site.
And you go on and it's where people can chat with other people that are more like them.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Maybe you should give that a go.
Linda, you spend far too much time in front of the computer.
Get out in the sunshine.
Mmm.
OK.
Yeah, no, that's that's nice advice.
You'll get there.
Don't give up.
Shouldn't be long.
Thank you.
Morning, Mr Hannigan.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh.
It's no problem.
And sorry about the commotion before.
I think they're, um junkies.
Because they didn't premake their snacks.
It was a little crazy, but I work at the Tax Office, so I'm used to the crazies.
Tax Office? Yeah.
That's fascinating.
Absolutely.
I do mostly corporate tax.
It does get pretty interesting.
Riveting.
Do tell.
Uh oh.
I should come to you.
I'm useless with tax.
Sure.
I wonder who he was yelling about.
"Henry Mallet" or someone? What? Um oh, was he? I didn't hear him.
Ah.
Well, I guess the mad are only mad until they're normal somewhere else.
Uh, now, since this is your first time with us, we'll start with a periodontal chart.
"Who are you to tell me? Who are you to know? "The mad are only mad until they're normal somewhere else.
" Um mmm You're such a good sounding-board for my work.
I j I mean, I do think it would bring her and her husband closer together if they were just honest.
Trust your instincts, Jonks.
Those who do, succeed.
Ask yourself - why do I have the fourth-highest-selling targeted marketing software package in Japanese history? Instincts.
Oh, Steve, thank you so much.
I I can't tell you how good it is to have you Mr Darling, thanks so much for coming.
Oh, please.
Steve.
'Miss Darling' is my drag name.
I feel really lucky to still have you in my life after everything that's happened But thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm so glad that Verity has such a concerned teacher.
I'm really Oh, Jonks, got to go.
Chat later.
Oh OK.
Yeah.
Of course.
- See you, sweetheart.
- See you.
Uh, good morning.
I've got a delivery for Michael Arnold.
Yeah, that's me.
Uh, just sign here, thanks.
Uh uh uh, would I, uh would I be able to use your toilet, mate? Um yeah, sure.
It's through there.
The Verity Fan Club.
But it's an ironic title.
It's actually not very nice.
I just don't understand.
She's so cute.
Well there was the fancy dress thing.
And well, she's just not very social.
How do you have your coffee? Uh, black, strong.
Two sugars.
Two! Wow.
Yes.
Uh 15 years married to a dentist, you're not even allowed to mention the word sugar, so I guess I'm making up for it.
Thank you.
I can't have sweeteners in hot drinks.
I don't imagine you'd need it.
I, on the other hand, am a bitter old man and I need all the help I can get.
You're hilarious.
But really what are we going to do about this? Well uh, we have World Music Day tomorrow.
World Music Day.
And I was just thinking, maybe it would give Verity a little self-esteem boost if her dad was our special guest.
Good idea.
I know.
Doesn't she? Oh! Those molars are divine.
Well, I thought Kate.
Kate Harris.
The overbite.
That's what I thought.
Oh, my! It shits me just to look at her! Well, I thought three was a good, solid number.
How many friends do most people have? Suzy? Hi, Steve.
What's with Woodstock out the front? Oh, some famous guy's renting one of the apartments upstairs.
Thought I'd drop these over to you, save you the hassle.
I have opened the health insurance.
We can still save on a family policy.
But I understand if you want to go single.
Oh, no, that's a good idea.
Thanks.
Hey, uh remember when your dad used to work here and we broke in after exams? Dating the dentist.
I thought I was so original.
Remember? Just you and me? Well and Mandy Atherton a few times when I was away on conferences.
And all your other flings.
Suzy.
They never meant anything to me.
You know I loved you the best.
That's sweet, Steve.
Thanks.
I, uh was called in to V's school today.
Did you realise that some girls have been teasing her? Oh, yeah.
I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.
Suzy.
She's being bullied.
Well, why don't you do something about it? Well, interesting you mention it, because I have volunteered to be teacher's assistant on their World Music Day.
Oh.
Teacher's assistant.
Huh.
Yes.
Viola asked me.
Who's Viola? Viola.
Our daughter's teacher, Viola Take.
Ah.
That's great.
That's great.
Um by the way, I'm changing my name back.
Hi.
Hello.
How was your day? Oh, fine.
Until the guy I happen to be married to for 15 years turned up.
Mmm.
I went through a divorce a few years ago too.
About your age.
Oh.
I I didn't think you were allowed to.
To get married.
Um, no, it was a woman.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
I wasn't being very honest with myself.
Ah.
That's interesting.
Anyway, so I've been there.
In case you ever want to complain to someone.
Well, we could go for a drink.
Um, sure.
Uh, sorry, just to clarify, I was never really into the being-with-a-woman thing, in case Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's OK.
No, neither was I.
No, no, of course.
No, just friends.
Yeah.
Well, that'd be fun.
Yeah.
I haven't been out in a long while.
Can I Do you mind if I get dressed up? Oh, no.
Go for it.
No, I might get dressed up too.
Lovely.
Judge Jade.
She's over there, looking gorgeous.
Someone will have to win, Jadie.
It's very even, Peter.
Who is it, darling? It's Tomato.
No! I can't believe Jennifer lost! That's so sad.
Did you see the state of her risotto? Why aren't you upset? 'Cause she's not mental.
I didn't really like Jennifer.
How can you not like Jennifer? Look.
She loves her family so much.
I think she just makes it up to get attention.
Total wannabe.
- Verity.
That's not very nice.
- Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, V.
How was school? Good.
You worked it out yet? The bearded guy? Mm-hm.
No? Mmm? Hey, v-v? I was thinking it would be fun to invite some of your friends for a sleepover.
Oh! Can we have a cooking competition? Good idea.
I'll get some recipes.
I can make the invitations.
I'll make the hats.
'Night, Mum! What's wrong with him? Depressed? N no.
He's 13.
Too busy wanking to be depressed.
That patient of yours with the beard.
Zac Hannigan.
Ring any bells? No.
Just, I don't think he should be spending all that time in his room.
I don't think it's healthy.
Zac Hannigan? Well, this is cosy.
Yeah.
Just hanging with my ladies.
So, you know the woman who's cheating on her husband? She came in again today.
Decided this week she doesn't want to end it.
No mention of the children, of the effect it's having on them.
I'm not sure you should be telling me about your patients.
Why? Who are you gonna tell? Yeah, who are you gonna tell? I don't know.
A friend.
What friend? She's trying to make new friends.
Well, for example, Adam.
Who I'm gonna have a drink with tomorrow night.
Adam? Really? Yes, really.
So that's happening.
OK.
"Still striking a nerve 15 years on, Zac Hannigan reveals "why diehard Nerve fans still refuse to mourn Mallet's disappearance.
" That's nice.
Oh, he's writing a book about you! Oh, here we go.
15 years' research.
Access to band members and family members.
"Explosive new revelations about his personal life".
What revelations? Oh, well, he's hardly gonna put them up on the website, is he? I think he knows a lot about you.
Like, actually knows about you.
I think you're right.
I think we should speak to him.
Er, you know what? I'm not so sure about all this.
What? Oh, this bloke.
Look at him.
I mean, he could be anything, couldn't he? He could be a threat.
To kids.
He is the only genuine one out of all of them.
Depends what you mean by "genuine", though.
He's a professional.
He's a shit-digger, Suze.
Look at his face.
You're the one who invited him in.
Why did you come to me as a patient? Oh, well, doing what I do, you meet some slightly unhinged people.
Do you think I'm unhinged? Well, not no, not yet, not yet.
What do you expect to get from this geezer, Suze? But your letter said that Henry stayed here before he died.
I'm wondering, how could you know that? 'Cause I'm sitting right here, dickvveed.
Well, um uh um, my my father was a dentist here.
And and? You're gonna have to explain the computer messages at some point.
And, um he had a practice here before mine.
And in 1982, a man came in with an infected wisdom tooth.
It was Henry.
He's gonna think you're another nut.
Why didn't your father report it to the police when Henry went missing? Oh .
.
well, he didn't recognise Henry.
So, how do you know it was Henry who came in? Because um I found a photo.
And dental records.
But you haven't reported this to the police? You really are a fucking bad liar.
I didn't know he went missing.
Well, have you got the photo? I lost it.
Well what about the dental records? They're only kept for seven years.
Only ever.
Right.
So, they're gone too.
So you decided to pose as Mallet on the Web.
Yeah, I think I'll get going.
Oh, no.
W um You seem really nice, but I've followed this from Sydney to London and back to Sydney, and I even went to Burma once to check out a sighting.
It cost me my marriage and, uh nearly all my savings.
But this isn't a game for me, and I don't believe you.
Why.
Ask him why he does it.
Why are you so interested in him? B When I was 14, I heard 'Wandsworth USA' for the first time and I felt that someone thought that I was important enough to be told about the world.
And that the things on the news meant something.
And that's why it's important to me.
Hmm.
And that's why I can't waste my time.
So thanks for the tea.
Um I was away in France before the band split.
I had a massive row with Billy.
Before they were in France, they had a split and a massive row with Billy.
No offence, but you could have found that just about anywhere.
Tell him it was with Charlotte.
Charlotte.
You know about Charlotte? Uh, Elvis, this is Zac.
Zac, this is my son, Elvis.
Elvis? Yeah.
Oh.
Good to meet you, mate.
So, who can tell me what this instrument is called? Uh A Quitar? Kids, it's not a guitar.
It's a sitar.
That's right.
Thank you.
You know Ravi Shankar? Famous sitar player.
Also, a very handy off spin bowler.
Now, who can tell me where the sitar comes from? India.
Say "India".
Uh, you.
India! Well, the Subcontinent, really, as a whole.
It's, um It's Hindu.
Pretty sure.
I've spent the last 15 years researching a biography.
He did so many drugs, I probably know more about his life than he did.
I did do a lot of drugs.
I thought I was the only one who knew about Charlotte.
Yeah, why is she never mentioned? She kept very quiet.
Oh.
You know Henry and she met at art school? Wrong.
High school.
Oh.
Oh, so, not just a meaningless string of flings, then? No, no, no.
She was the one.
Oh.
Problem was that Billy also liked her.
A lot.
Oh.
And that's what the row was about? Mmm.
Billy always held a candle for her.
As the Nerve got bigger and bigger, Henry grew more and more accustomed to the perks that came with it, most notably the groupies and cocaine and What the fuck would you know, mate? Charlotte didn't want to be just another groupie.
So she left Henry, and Billy was waiting.
That's why Henry fled.
What I don't know is what happened when he arrived here.
Got a feeling you might be able to help me find out.
Um Do you have any photos of Charlotte? Yes.
They're very rare.
The personal collection.
How do you really know Henry? I have to go and pick up my daughter from school.
So OK.
Perhaps another time? That'd be good.
Um I'm doing this tonight.
Oh.
Trivia.
Not if you know the answers.
It was a party night It was the end of school His head was feeling light The first time She knew some older men She had turned 17 And she seemed much older then The first time "Come," said the boy "Let's go down on the sand "Let's do what we wanna do "Let me be a man for you" Oooh, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa, whoa Come on, kids.
Oh, whoa, whoa Sing it loud! Come on! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa You too! Everyone now! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Oooh, whoa.
I've got this guitar here.
It's all the way from India Oh, it's You're quite the performer.
Oh, well, it's very easy when you have, um someone to sing to.
Oh, my God! Your dad is sexing Miss Take?! I mean it's incredible.
He's acting like a different person.
It's like a fog's lifted.
That's fantastic! Um, did he say what had changed? He just said he had a sudden realisation.
Like it just arrived in his lap.
How much I meant to him.
So I wanted to thank you.
Well, I'm very glad it helped.
I think she might fire me if I don't go, so Anyway, OK.
See you! Bye! Are you ready to rock? Y yeah! Hey, look at that ruching! I love it! Oh, I bought it in the '90s and it still works.
Yeah.
Evening, all.
Hi.
Hi.
You ready to rock? Yeah.
I am.
Do you still want to be called 'Adam', even when you're dressed up? Adam's fine.
I was thinking about 'Brenda', though.
Oooh.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, 'Brenda's nice.
We had a goldfish called Brenda when I was growing up.
Pretty glamorous name for a goldfish! Yeah.
Oooh, I love trivia! I'm not very good at it.
I mean, if it comes to, like, capital cities or presidents, you guys just jump in, OK? I don't think there'll be much talk of geopolitics here.
I'm living in the USA Whoo! Yeah! # In Wandsworth, USA # We're living in the USA Yeah! In Wandsworth, USA U-S-A.
Hello, all you tragic punk junkies and, uh, rock god wannabes.
Welcome to another edition of Punk, Funk and All the Other Junk Total Trivia.
I'm Zac Hannigan, and if you like your Stones rolling and your Floyds pink and your Ramones 'the', well, you're in the right place.
How is everyone tonight? Good.
Uh, um hey.
Um, alright, folks.
Um He looks like a giant wombat.
Oooh.
He's your friend, isn't he? Yes.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, I-in a good way.
He's cute and cuddly.
He's sweet.
Yeah.
Hi.
Uh question one.
Good book? Is there any way I could contact her? Yeah, but it took me five years to get an interview, and she was extremely reticent.
Um so, you know, I was thinking after we chatted earlier, um you know how Henry came out here in 1982? You would have been, what, five or six? Thanks.
Eight.
OK.
So, they never found Henry's body, right? So, let's let's stay he's still alive.
In Sydney somewhere.
Incognito for 10 years, give or take.
He's 45.
He bumps into you somehow.
I don't know - maybe getting his dodgy British teeth fixed.
You're 20.
Young and beautiful.
And definitely his type.
Oh! No Just stay with me.
So, you meet him, what, 17 years ago.
He was heavily influenced by Elvis.
Your son is called Elvis.
What is he, like, 14? I'm sorry.
You have got this really wrong.
Henry mentions Charlotte once.
He leaves.
You want to know more.
Oh.
What makes you think I'm his type? You remind me of her.
You're genuine and modest and you're a little conservative.
No offence.
Henry tended to be drawn towards the things that he wasn't.
If I told you something about Henry Here's two mojitos Sorry.
.
.
and a screwdriver.
I'd better get back up for round two.
Um how'd you go with the Queen albums? Queen, Queen II, A Day at the Races, A Night at the Opera and Sheer Heart Attack.
She's good! Thank you.
Excuse me.
Um Suzy, I I made this for you.
Oh.
Yes.
Give me a call.
After you've listened to the CD.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oooh! Mixed tape.
What happened when you got back? Oh.
Um he met this model.
And they were shacked up together at some chateau somewhere.
Well, of course, I was the one who had to field all the questions.
You know, from Charlotte.
I told her she deserved better.
And there were people who wanted to give her better.
Anyway, um, two weeks later, Henry knocks on the door and finds us - Charlotte and me - there together.
And .
.
well, he just goes wild.
Doesn't acknowledge doing anything wrong whatsoever.
He just just trashes the place and storms off.
Well, that was it.
That was the last time I saw him.
Charlotte? Anything you'd like to add? No.
No.
Not really.
Did you feel bullied or betrayed by Henry? Well, if I did, I let him.
I mean, I was at fault too.
God.
Memory's a dicey little whore, Potter.
Potter, it seems I'm a convict.
Sentenced to eternity in this fucking country.
For the crime of being a totally self-absorbed prick who failed completely as a human being.
Pfft! Don't you start.
Mmm.
Oh, gosh.
That's terrible.
Mmm.
Oh.
Mmm.
Um Jonquil.
I saw the note.
Jonquil! Jonquil, I know you're here! "Hiding won't solve the problem.
" Your words, Jonquil! Jonquil! I know you're here! Jonquil! Jonquil! So, where does 'Okinawa' come from? It's a city in Japan.
Ah, yes.
I know that.
But why are you called that? I was conceived there.
Ah.
That means my mum and dad had sex there and made me.
Oh! Okey-dokey.
Here we go-key! Now it's time to taste them.
And we give a secret ballot score out of 10.
That's unfair.
You're not allowed to vote.
Yeah.
Well, OK.
I won't vote, then.
OK, first up, Verity's dish - pigs in blankets.
I give it a three.
Two.
One and a half.
Mmm! Oh! Oh, I can taste the cinnamon.
Really wonderful, nutty overtones.
Mmm.
I think I give it a seven.
You're not allowed to vote.
Yeah.
Well, we agreed on a secret ballot, so you broke the rules first.
OK, it's Okinawa's turn.
Mmm.
Couscous loaf.
Aw.
It's not much of a loaf.
Bit crumbly.
Mmm.
A lot of turmeric.
Mmm.
I think I can only give it a three.
I give it an eight.
You didn't even try it.
Eight.
Winner gets to choose next game.
They left.
I gave them a friendly move along.
I have been looking everywhere for you.
Suzy.
Hi.
Hi.
Um I have something for you.
Oh, great.
Oh, we had a terrific time last night.
Oh, good.
Good, good.
Uh, but I'll be needing those back.
Yeah, of course.
I've got your CD.
It's upstairs.
No, no.
No, no, later, later.
I've got to get back to work.
OK.
See you later, fuck-knuckle.
Henry! Henry lives.
Whoo! I am trying to help Verity make friends, but these girls are pure evil.
- I don't know what to do.
- I can't help you, Suzy.
Alright? I'm not their old man.
Oh, rightio, Captain Thundercloud.
Jesus Christ.
Give it a rest, will you? Why don't you ask your new friend to help you, eh? Wow.
You're dead and you're still mean.
"My daughter was killed in an accident at that bend in the road "exactly a year ago today.
" And when Michael went back to check his car, the car was gone.
I think Verity's having a really interesting time.
Yes.
A very successful party.
Mmm.
Oh, shit! Weird patient.
Oh, can you get rid of her for me? Just say it's your phone, she's got the wrong number.
What? No.
Herro! Solly! Wrong number! Oh! Smooth! Thanks.
Bit racist, but still Why are you avoiding her? Because it's unprofessional to call me at night.
It's ridiculous.
These people think I'm available 24/7.
She could be really upset and confused.
Well, of course she's upset and confused.
That's why she's paying money to see a therapist.
Do you think I should check on the girls? No.
Let's have another drink and talk about Mum.
Oh! No.
Your turn, Verity.
Um Um There was a man and a woman in a car and um they were driving down the road This is the same as my story.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It isn't.
And they saw a man on the side of the road It was nothing like what Mum did.
I'm just saying, it's an interesting pattern.
You know, it wasn't your fault.
You had no choice.
Your inability to stay with Steve was set up by our mother long ago.
Mum left and didn't take her children.
I took my children.
Well, probably only 'cause you think Steve is ineffectual.
Which he isn't.
If you'd married a straighty-180 like Dad, you would have left them with him - that's all I'm saying.
No, I never would have left my children.
Steve and I don't love each other anymore.
That's why I left.
Now, that's what I call chardonnay clarity.
So they kept driving down this really, really dark road and it was really really dark.
Um really, really, really dark.
And then they saw a little girl on the side of the road.
And they stopped to give her a lift.
See? I told you this was the same as my story.
No, it isn't.
But then the little girl turned around.
This isn't scary, Verity.
- Yes, it is! - No, it's not! The little girl was scary! She is not scary! She was so! No, she was not.
Was! What's happening? What's going on? What happened? What did you do? I was only trying to help.
Nothing.
I just told my story.
I'm scared! I want to go home! Me too! I want to go home! Oh, girls! Awww! Whoa! Don't worry, babe.
Girls as interesting as me and you don't get friends till we're at uni.
Hmm? Come on.
Off to bed.
I'm exhausted.
Lavender's green When I am king, dilly, dilly You shall be queen Who told you so, dilly, dilly Who told you so? 'Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly That told me so Lavender's blue, dilly, dilly Lavender's green When I am king, dilly, dilly You shall be queen.
It was you! When I was eight, a strange old drunk guy gave this to me on a ferry.
Who seemed old then, but now, when I think about it, he looked Like me.
Charlotte gave it to me.
And I gave it to you.
Personally, I didn't like the milkshakes on Saturday.
TMA, me neither.
I like mine better.
What do you want, freako? You guys are really nice You sound really good when you sing songs You make up good dances and wear colourful clothes I like you guys You're really, really nice.
They've come! Do you know these people? What people? Told you they'd come.
Where from? Prison? Can we invite them up? Go on.
Look at 'em.
They look hungry.
What, to my apartment? They're only people! Oh, now, that's just silly.
They should have packed a knife.
Or at least premade them.
Yeah, rock'n'roll.
Henry, I have children.
You know what? I think I liked you better before, when you were high.
I liked you better when I was high too.
I don't get it.
The other night, you were all Joni Mitchell and lovely and an actual human being.
Look at them.
They've got music, singing.
Oh, I have music and singing.
You can't sing.
Here to the best we aspire Be it work with hand or brain We have learned, if we win, to aim higher If we lose, to press forward again Swell, swell the chorus In praise of the school we love Swell, swell the chorus In praise of the school we love.
Wow.
I feel like one of those middle-aged women who siphons money from suburban banks and friends get interviewed and they say, "I would never have guessed it.
" Remember, um, you said it might be best to tell your husband what you need from him? Did I? I don't know.
Did you? No, I didn't.
And you also said you wanted to end the affair.
"The", um "The ".
.
obsession was overtaking the excitement.
"It was becoming an addiction.
" I don't remember.
God! I tell you what.
Let's set out a plan.
OK? How about for one week you don't answer Sam's calls and you don't call him back? And explain to your husband exactly what you need from him.
OK? Give it a chance to get better.
And now you can have a jelly bean.
You know what occurred to me the other day, Julie? You've been my patient now for six years.
Oh.
Wow.
Really? Yeah.
Doesn't really feel that long, does it? Uh-uh.
No.
It just feels like yesterday.
That you came in with mild pulpitis and overcrowding.
And look at you now.
And I've got this policy that when a patient has been coming to me for over six years, I take them out for a drink.
No, I'm just kidding! That is not a policy of mine.
But it could be, couldn't it, Linda? Of course.
It's an interesting idea.
But I did think that, you know, maybe we haven't hung out together and maybe it would be nice to go and have a drink one evening.
Or a coffee.
I like art too if you'd like to go to a gallery.
Have I got tongue cancer or something? What? No! I mean, you would just tell me if I did? Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh! No, I just thought you know, given we've known each other for such a long time, we might be friends.
Talk to the booty, 'cause the face don't wanna know You're just like your mama, and your mama is a ho You're a loser, a wannabe T-t-t-t-totally.
You OK? Yeah.
Why? Oh, no, well, it's just you usually don't, um I beg your pardon? Choose to speak to people.
Linda! Oh, God.
Sometimes I wonder where your head is at.
I talk to my patients all day long.
Oh, my goodness.
God.
"Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
" OK.
Oh, but there's this girl that I know.
I mean, she's a bit like you.
In that she's busy.
And she has just made these great friends on this networking site.
And you go on and it's where people can chat with other people that are more like them.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Maybe you should give that a go.
Linda, you spend far too much time in front of the computer.
Get out in the sunshine.
Mmm.
OK.
Yeah, no, that's that's nice advice.
You'll get there.
Don't give up.
Shouldn't be long.
Thank you.
Morning, Mr Hannigan.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh.
It's no problem.
And sorry about the commotion before.
I think they're, um junkies.
Because they didn't premake their snacks.
It was a little crazy, but I work at the Tax Office, so I'm used to the crazies.
Tax Office? Yeah.
That's fascinating.
Absolutely.
I do mostly corporate tax.
It does get pretty interesting.
Riveting.
Do tell.
Uh oh.
I should come to you.
I'm useless with tax.
Sure.
I wonder who he was yelling about.
"Henry Mallet" or someone? What? Um oh, was he? I didn't hear him.
Ah.
Well, I guess the mad are only mad until they're normal somewhere else.
Uh, now, since this is your first time with us, we'll start with a periodontal chart.
"Who are you to tell me? Who are you to know? "The mad are only mad until they're normal somewhere else.
" Um mmm You're such a good sounding-board for my work.
I j I mean, I do think it would bring her and her husband closer together if they were just honest.
Trust your instincts, Jonks.
Those who do, succeed.
Ask yourself - why do I have the fourth-highest-selling targeted marketing software package in Japanese history? Instincts.
Oh, Steve, thank you so much.
I I can't tell you how good it is to have you Mr Darling, thanks so much for coming.
Oh, please.
Steve.
'Miss Darling' is my drag name.
I feel really lucky to still have you in my life after everything that's happened But thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm so glad that Verity has such a concerned teacher.
I'm really Oh, Jonks, got to go.
Chat later.
Oh OK.
Yeah.
Of course.
- See you, sweetheart.
- See you.
Uh, good morning.
I've got a delivery for Michael Arnold.
Yeah, that's me.
Uh, just sign here, thanks.
Uh uh uh, would I, uh would I be able to use your toilet, mate? Um yeah, sure.
It's through there.
The Verity Fan Club.
But it's an ironic title.
It's actually not very nice.
I just don't understand.
She's so cute.
Well there was the fancy dress thing.
And well, she's just not very social.
How do you have your coffee? Uh, black, strong.
Two sugars.
Two! Wow.
Yes.
Uh 15 years married to a dentist, you're not even allowed to mention the word sugar, so I guess I'm making up for it.
Thank you.
I can't have sweeteners in hot drinks.
I don't imagine you'd need it.
I, on the other hand, am a bitter old man and I need all the help I can get.
You're hilarious.
But really what are we going to do about this? Well uh, we have World Music Day tomorrow.
World Music Day.
And I was just thinking, maybe it would give Verity a little self-esteem boost if her dad was our special guest.
Good idea.
I know.
Doesn't she? Oh! Those molars are divine.
Well, I thought Kate.
Kate Harris.
The overbite.
That's what I thought.
Oh, my! It shits me just to look at her! Well, I thought three was a good, solid number.
How many friends do most people have? Suzy? Hi, Steve.
What's with Woodstock out the front? Oh, some famous guy's renting one of the apartments upstairs.
Thought I'd drop these over to you, save you the hassle.
I have opened the health insurance.
We can still save on a family policy.
But I understand if you want to go single.
Oh, no, that's a good idea.
Thanks.
Hey, uh remember when your dad used to work here and we broke in after exams? Dating the dentist.
I thought I was so original.
Remember? Just you and me? Well and Mandy Atherton a few times when I was away on conferences.
And all your other flings.
Suzy.
They never meant anything to me.
You know I loved you the best.
That's sweet, Steve.
Thanks.
I, uh was called in to V's school today.
Did you realise that some girls have been teasing her? Oh, yeah.
I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.
Suzy.
She's being bullied.
Well, why don't you do something about it? Well, interesting you mention it, because I have volunteered to be teacher's assistant on their World Music Day.
Oh.
Teacher's assistant.
Huh.
Yes.
Viola asked me.
Who's Viola? Viola.
Our daughter's teacher, Viola Take.
Ah.
That's great.
That's great.
Um by the way, I'm changing my name back.
Hi.
Hello.
How was your day? Oh, fine.
Until the guy I happen to be married to for 15 years turned up.
Mmm.
I went through a divorce a few years ago too.
About your age.
Oh.
I I didn't think you were allowed to.
To get married.
Um, no, it was a woman.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
I wasn't being very honest with myself.
Ah.
That's interesting.
Anyway, so I've been there.
In case you ever want to complain to someone.
Well, we could go for a drink.
Um, sure.
Uh, sorry, just to clarify, I was never really into the being-with-a-woman thing, in case Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's OK.
No, neither was I.
No, no, of course.
No, just friends.
Yeah.
Well, that'd be fun.
Yeah.
I haven't been out in a long while.
Can I Do you mind if I get dressed up? Oh, no.
Go for it.
No, I might get dressed up too.
Lovely.
Judge Jade.
She's over there, looking gorgeous.
Someone will have to win, Jadie.
It's very even, Peter.
Who is it, darling? It's Tomato.
No! I can't believe Jennifer lost! That's so sad.
Did you see the state of her risotto? Why aren't you upset? 'Cause she's not mental.
I didn't really like Jennifer.
How can you not like Jennifer? Look.
She loves her family so much.
I think she just makes it up to get attention.
Total wannabe.
- Verity.
That's not very nice.
- Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, V.
How was school? Good.
You worked it out yet? The bearded guy? Mm-hm.
No? Mmm? Hey, v-v? I was thinking it would be fun to invite some of your friends for a sleepover.
Oh! Can we have a cooking competition? Good idea.
I'll get some recipes.
I can make the invitations.
I'll make the hats.
'Night, Mum! What's wrong with him? Depressed? N no.
He's 13.
Too busy wanking to be depressed.
That patient of yours with the beard.
Zac Hannigan.
Ring any bells? No.
Just, I don't think he should be spending all that time in his room.
I don't think it's healthy.
Zac Hannigan? Well, this is cosy.
Yeah.
Just hanging with my ladies.
So, you know the woman who's cheating on her husband? She came in again today.
Decided this week she doesn't want to end it.
No mention of the children, of the effect it's having on them.
I'm not sure you should be telling me about your patients.
Why? Who are you gonna tell? Yeah, who are you gonna tell? I don't know.
A friend.
What friend? She's trying to make new friends.
Well, for example, Adam.
Who I'm gonna have a drink with tomorrow night.
Adam? Really? Yes, really.
So that's happening.
OK.
"Still striking a nerve 15 years on, Zac Hannigan reveals "why diehard Nerve fans still refuse to mourn Mallet's disappearance.
" That's nice.
Oh, he's writing a book about you! Oh, here we go.
15 years' research.
Access to band members and family members.
"Explosive new revelations about his personal life".
What revelations? Oh, well, he's hardly gonna put them up on the website, is he? I think he knows a lot about you.
Like, actually knows about you.
I think you're right.
I think we should speak to him.
Er, you know what? I'm not so sure about all this.
What? Oh, this bloke.
Look at him.
I mean, he could be anything, couldn't he? He could be a threat.
To kids.
He is the only genuine one out of all of them.
Depends what you mean by "genuine", though.
He's a professional.
He's a shit-digger, Suze.
Look at his face.
You're the one who invited him in.
Why did you come to me as a patient? Oh, well, doing what I do, you meet some slightly unhinged people.
Do you think I'm unhinged? Well, not no, not yet, not yet.
What do you expect to get from this geezer, Suze? But your letter said that Henry stayed here before he died.
I'm wondering, how could you know that? 'Cause I'm sitting right here, dickvveed.
Well, um uh um, my my father was a dentist here.
And and? You're gonna have to explain the computer messages at some point.
And, um he had a practice here before mine.
And in 1982, a man came in with an infected wisdom tooth.
It was Henry.
He's gonna think you're another nut.
Why didn't your father report it to the police when Henry went missing? Oh .
.
well, he didn't recognise Henry.
So, how do you know it was Henry who came in? Because um I found a photo.
And dental records.
But you haven't reported this to the police? You really are a fucking bad liar.
I didn't know he went missing.
Well, have you got the photo? I lost it.
Well what about the dental records? They're only kept for seven years.
Only ever.
Right.
So, they're gone too.
So you decided to pose as Mallet on the Web.
Yeah, I think I'll get going.
Oh, no.
W um You seem really nice, but I've followed this from Sydney to London and back to Sydney, and I even went to Burma once to check out a sighting.
It cost me my marriage and, uh nearly all my savings.
But this isn't a game for me, and I don't believe you.
Why.
Ask him why he does it.
Why are you so interested in him? B When I was 14, I heard 'Wandsworth USA' for the first time and I felt that someone thought that I was important enough to be told about the world.
And that the things on the news meant something.
And that's why it's important to me.
Hmm.
And that's why I can't waste my time.
So thanks for the tea.
Um I was away in France before the band split.
I had a massive row with Billy.
Before they were in France, they had a split and a massive row with Billy.
No offence, but you could have found that just about anywhere.
Tell him it was with Charlotte.
Charlotte.
You know about Charlotte? Uh, Elvis, this is Zac.
Zac, this is my son, Elvis.
Elvis? Yeah.
Oh.
Good to meet you, mate.
So, who can tell me what this instrument is called? Uh A Quitar? Kids, it's not a guitar.
It's a sitar.
That's right.
Thank you.
You know Ravi Shankar? Famous sitar player.
Also, a very handy off spin bowler.
Now, who can tell me where the sitar comes from? India.
Say "India".
Uh, you.
India! Well, the Subcontinent, really, as a whole.
It's, um It's Hindu.
Pretty sure.
I've spent the last 15 years researching a biography.
He did so many drugs, I probably know more about his life than he did.
I did do a lot of drugs.
I thought I was the only one who knew about Charlotte.
Yeah, why is she never mentioned? She kept very quiet.
Oh.
You know Henry and she met at art school? Wrong.
High school.
Oh.
Oh, so, not just a meaningless string of flings, then? No, no, no.
She was the one.
Oh.
Problem was that Billy also liked her.
A lot.
Oh.
And that's what the row was about? Mmm.
Billy always held a candle for her.
As the Nerve got bigger and bigger, Henry grew more and more accustomed to the perks that came with it, most notably the groupies and cocaine and What the fuck would you know, mate? Charlotte didn't want to be just another groupie.
So she left Henry, and Billy was waiting.
That's why Henry fled.
What I don't know is what happened when he arrived here.
Got a feeling you might be able to help me find out.
Um Do you have any photos of Charlotte? Yes.
They're very rare.
The personal collection.
How do you really know Henry? I have to go and pick up my daughter from school.
So OK.
Perhaps another time? That'd be good.
Um I'm doing this tonight.
Oh.
Trivia.
Not if you know the answers.
It was a party night It was the end of school His head was feeling light The first time She knew some older men She had turned 17 And she seemed much older then The first time "Come," said the boy "Let's go down on the sand "Let's do what we wanna do "Let me be a man for you" Oooh, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa, whoa Come on, kids.
Oh, whoa, whoa Sing it loud! Come on! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa You too! Everyone now! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Oooh, whoa.
I've got this guitar here.
It's all the way from India Oh, it's You're quite the performer.
Oh, well, it's very easy when you have, um someone to sing to.
Oh, my God! Your dad is sexing Miss Take?! I mean it's incredible.
He's acting like a different person.
It's like a fog's lifted.
That's fantastic! Um, did he say what had changed? He just said he had a sudden realisation.
Like it just arrived in his lap.
How much I meant to him.
So I wanted to thank you.
Well, I'm very glad it helped.
I think she might fire me if I don't go, so Anyway, OK.
See you! Bye! Are you ready to rock? Y yeah! Hey, look at that ruching! I love it! Oh, I bought it in the '90s and it still works.
Yeah.
Evening, all.
Hi.
Hi.
You ready to rock? Yeah.
I am.
Do you still want to be called 'Adam', even when you're dressed up? Adam's fine.
I was thinking about 'Brenda', though.
Oooh.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, 'Brenda's nice.
We had a goldfish called Brenda when I was growing up.
Pretty glamorous name for a goldfish! Yeah.
Oooh, I love trivia! I'm not very good at it.
I mean, if it comes to, like, capital cities or presidents, you guys just jump in, OK? I don't think there'll be much talk of geopolitics here.
I'm living in the USA Whoo! Yeah! # In Wandsworth, USA # We're living in the USA Yeah! In Wandsworth, USA U-S-A.
Hello, all you tragic punk junkies and, uh, rock god wannabes.
Welcome to another edition of Punk, Funk and All the Other Junk Total Trivia.
I'm Zac Hannigan, and if you like your Stones rolling and your Floyds pink and your Ramones 'the', well, you're in the right place.
How is everyone tonight? Good.
Uh, um hey.
Um, alright, folks.
Um He looks like a giant wombat.
Oooh.
He's your friend, isn't he? Yes.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, I-in a good way.
He's cute and cuddly.
He's sweet.
Yeah.
Hi.
Uh question one.
Good book? Is there any way I could contact her? Yeah, but it took me five years to get an interview, and she was extremely reticent.
Um so, you know, I was thinking after we chatted earlier, um you know how Henry came out here in 1982? You would have been, what, five or six? Thanks.
Eight.
OK.
So, they never found Henry's body, right? So, let's let's stay he's still alive.
In Sydney somewhere.
Incognito for 10 years, give or take.
He's 45.
He bumps into you somehow.
I don't know - maybe getting his dodgy British teeth fixed.
You're 20.
Young and beautiful.
And definitely his type.
Oh! No Just stay with me.
So, you meet him, what, 17 years ago.
He was heavily influenced by Elvis.
Your son is called Elvis.
What is he, like, 14? I'm sorry.
You have got this really wrong.
Henry mentions Charlotte once.
He leaves.
You want to know more.
Oh.
What makes you think I'm his type? You remind me of her.
You're genuine and modest and you're a little conservative.
No offence.
Henry tended to be drawn towards the things that he wasn't.
If I told you something about Henry Here's two mojitos Sorry.
.
.
and a screwdriver.
I'd better get back up for round two.
Um how'd you go with the Queen albums? Queen, Queen II, A Day at the Races, A Night at the Opera and Sheer Heart Attack.
She's good! Thank you.
Excuse me.
Um Suzy, I I made this for you.
Oh.
Yes.
Give me a call.
After you've listened to the CD.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oooh! Mixed tape.
What happened when you got back? Oh.
Um he met this model.
And they were shacked up together at some chateau somewhere.
Well, of course, I was the one who had to field all the questions.
You know, from Charlotte.
I told her she deserved better.
And there were people who wanted to give her better.
Anyway, um, two weeks later, Henry knocks on the door and finds us - Charlotte and me - there together.
And .
.
well, he just goes wild.
Doesn't acknowledge doing anything wrong whatsoever.
He just just trashes the place and storms off.
Well, that was it.
That was the last time I saw him.
Charlotte? Anything you'd like to add? No.
No.
Not really.
Did you feel bullied or betrayed by Henry? Well, if I did, I let him.
I mean, I was at fault too.
God.
Memory's a dicey little whore, Potter.
Potter, it seems I'm a convict.
Sentenced to eternity in this fucking country.
For the crime of being a totally self-absorbed prick who failed completely as a human being.
Pfft! Don't you start.
Mmm.
Oh, gosh.
That's terrible.
Mmm.
Oh.
Mmm.
Um Jonquil.
I saw the note.
Jonquil! Jonquil, I know you're here! "Hiding won't solve the problem.
" Your words, Jonquil! Jonquil! I know you're here! Jonquil! Jonquil! So, where does 'Okinawa' come from? It's a city in Japan.
Ah, yes.
I know that.
But why are you called that? I was conceived there.
Ah.
That means my mum and dad had sex there and made me.
Oh! Okey-dokey.
Here we go-key! Now it's time to taste them.
And we give a secret ballot score out of 10.
That's unfair.
You're not allowed to vote.
Yeah.
Well, OK.
I won't vote, then.
OK, first up, Verity's dish - pigs in blankets.
I give it a three.
Two.
One and a half.
Mmm! Oh! Oh, I can taste the cinnamon.
Really wonderful, nutty overtones.
Mmm.
I think I give it a seven.
You're not allowed to vote.
Yeah.
Well, we agreed on a secret ballot, so you broke the rules first.
OK, it's Okinawa's turn.
Mmm.
Couscous loaf.
Aw.
It's not much of a loaf.
Bit crumbly.
Mmm.
A lot of turmeric.
Mmm.
I think I can only give it a three.
I give it an eight.
You didn't even try it.
Eight.
Winner gets to choose next game.
They left.
I gave them a friendly move along.
I have been looking everywhere for you.
Suzy.
Hi.
Hi.
Um I have something for you.
Oh, great.
Oh, we had a terrific time last night.
Oh, good.
Good, good.
Uh, but I'll be needing those back.
Yeah, of course.
I've got your CD.
It's upstairs.
No, no.
No, no, later, later.
I've got to get back to work.
OK.
See you later, fuck-knuckle.
Henry! Henry lives.
Whoo! I am trying to help Verity make friends, but these girls are pure evil.
- I don't know what to do.
- I can't help you, Suzy.
Alright? I'm not their old man.
Oh, rightio, Captain Thundercloud.
Jesus Christ.
Give it a rest, will you? Why don't you ask your new friend to help you, eh? Wow.
You're dead and you're still mean.
"My daughter was killed in an accident at that bend in the road "exactly a year ago today.
" And when Michael went back to check his car, the car was gone.
I think Verity's having a really interesting time.
Yes.
A very successful party.
Mmm.
Oh, shit! Weird patient.
Oh, can you get rid of her for me? Just say it's your phone, she's got the wrong number.
What? No.
Herro! Solly! Wrong number! Oh! Smooth! Thanks.
Bit racist, but still Why are you avoiding her? Because it's unprofessional to call me at night.
It's ridiculous.
These people think I'm available 24/7.
She could be really upset and confused.
Well, of course she's upset and confused.
That's why she's paying money to see a therapist.
Do you think I should check on the girls? No.
Let's have another drink and talk about Mum.
Oh! No.
Your turn, Verity.
Um Um There was a man and a woman in a car and um they were driving down the road This is the same as my story.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It isn't.
And they saw a man on the side of the road It was nothing like what Mum did.
I'm just saying, it's an interesting pattern.
You know, it wasn't your fault.
You had no choice.
Your inability to stay with Steve was set up by our mother long ago.
Mum left and didn't take her children.
I took my children.
Well, probably only 'cause you think Steve is ineffectual.
Which he isn't.
If you'd married a straighty-180 like Dad, you would have left them with him - that's all I'm saying.
No, I never would have left my children.
Steve and I don't love each other anymore.
That's why I left.
Now, that's what I call chardonnay clarity.
So they kept driving down this really, really dark road and it was really really dark.
Um really, really, really dark.
And then they saw a little girl on the side of the road.
And they stopped to give her a lift.
See? I told you this was the same as my story.
No, it isn't.
But then the little girl turned around.
This isn't scary, Verity.
- Yes, it is! - No, it's not! The little girl was scary! She is not scary! She was so! No, she was not.
Was! What's happening? What's going on? What happened? What did you do? I was only trying to help.
Nothing.
I just told my story.
I'm scared! I want to go home! Me too! I want to go home! Oh, girls! Awww! Whoa! Don't worry, babe.
Girls as interesting as me and you don't get friends till we're at uni.
Hmm? Come on.
Off to bed.
I'm exhausted.
Lavender's green When I am king, dilly, dilly You shall be queen Who told you so, dilly, dilly Who told you so? 'Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly That told me so Lavender's blue, dilly, dilly Lavender's green When I am king, dilly, dilly You shall be queen.
It was you! When I was eight, a strange old drunk guy gave this to me on a ferry.
Who seemed old then, but now, when I think about it, he looked Like me.
Charlotte gave it to me.
And I gave it to you.
Personally, I didn't like the milkshakes on Saturday.
TMA, me neither.
I like mine better.
What do you want, freako? You guys are really nice You sound really good when you sing songs You make up good dances and wear colourful clothes I like you guys You're really, really nice.