Spitting Image (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1 This one's on Manchester! And this one's for hungry kids! Hello, people of Wales.
- What's occurring? As Prince of you, I want to say how sorry I am that Wales has been placed into total lockdown.
I know how trapped one can feel, confined to just the four walls of one's giant palace.
But the good news is, there's still plenty of ways to have fun in your giant palace.
Like indoor fox hunting.
Release the foxes! Take that, you little shit.
Oh, and don't forget to blood your grandson.
OK, that's it.
Brexit talks are done, end of.
Finissimus Maximus.
No more negotiations.
Right, who wants to go to Paris for another round of negotiations? Not me.
There's too much garlic.
Well, I'm all talked out from dealing with Burnham and those bastard northerners.
Govey, why don't you go to Paris? Me? A naive young laddie from Aberdeen .
.
going to the fabled city of light and discovering croissants, a workable trade agreement and love? Just trying to help the mood.
I'll go and stand behind the plant.
Hello, Instagram, it's me.
Govey in Paris.
C'est Govey en Paris C'est Govey en Paris C'est Govey en Paris Le petit merde Le petit merde est arrive C'est Govey Le petit merde OMG! It's everything I dreamed of.
Could I get a latte? Parlez en francais.
Luckily I have a translation app developed by Nigel Farage.
Could I get a latte? 'Where is my milky coffee, you French wanker?' Govey, is that you? Govey in Paris? Emmanuel Macron, the sexiest leader in Europe.
Paris agrees with you, you look so young and fresh.
Usually not my thing.
What are you doing here? I came to discuss the trade agreement and find love.
Then perhaps we should have dinner.
Oh, sounds wonderful.
'If I have to, you big-nosed French twat.
' I am thrilled to be here in Conklin, Iowa.
Home of the famous Conklin County corn dogs.
Have another one.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
But I'm glad you did.
The best thing about Conklin is its legendary wishing well.
They say no candidate ever won Iowa without making a wish in this well.
Ow! Boo! He's his own worst enemy.
He always blows the easy ones.
But there's some things you can't wish away, things that I plan to solve when I become America's next white president.
Reminds me of a story Barack Obama told me.
He said, "Joe, I'm running a little late to our meeting, "but I'm on my way.
" That was considerate, man.
We'd win for sure if he could just shut up until election day.
But hey, I'm a problem solver.
I once found my wife hiding behind a tree.
She said she was just setting up a picnic, but I've played hide-and-seek before.
Women want you to catch 'em, even when they look scared.
Argh! Are you all right, sir? Oh, fine, fine.
But how's anyone gonna hear my speech? It's all wet and echoey in here, like singing in the shower.
Now I want to mention, while I'm on the subject that I think shower sex is overrated.
So, our presidential candidate is alive Right.
.
.
but no-one can hear him talk.
Right! So what do we do? Relax and have a corn dog.
In honour of her work bringing clean water around the globe, the philanthropy award goes to Adele! I'm honoured.
But the real winners are the selfless workers at my charity, Irrigate Not Hate.
And the real loser is you of around 90 pounds, that's the real achievement.
How do you do it? I'd rather talk about bringing clean water to children.
Yes, talk about how that led to your losing 90 pounds.
Er, it didn't.
Then don't talk about it.
Can I just do my fucking acceptance speech? Course.
Body acceptance is so important.
Not that you need it, you're thin.
Right, eat this, you big twat.
Argh! So strong! Yet so skinny.
C'est Govey en Paris C'est Govey en Paris We want the same things, frictionless trade.
Cooperational law enforcement and defence.
And broad alignment on standards.
So there's nothing to argue about.
It seems we have an entente that is more than cordial.
Oi, Gove, you mug! I'm a British fish caught by a bleeding Frenchman.
What are you gonna do about it? Emmanuel, is what this fish says true? Yes, but so what? Fishing accounts for less than 0.
1% of your GDP.
It's about British sovereignty.
We don't pilfer your fucking snails.
I'm sorry, Emmanuel, I thought Paris would change me.
But maybe in my heart, I want to stick to pointless rules for no good reason.
No more negotiations.
This is the end of Govey in Paris.
#sadface.
Are you sure about this? I've never been so sure about anything in my life.
OK, shall we meet same time tomorrow? See you then.
C'est Govey en Paris C'est Govey en Paris.
I don't understand.
The Americans are the ones who called for this meeting here on our Himalayan border.
Yet Jared Kushner, their loud-mouthed negotiator, is late.
Patience, Mr Secretary.
I'm sure he's making every effort to get here as soon as he can.
Hey, everybody, it's me, Ivanka.
Himala-yas queen! Jared and I are rushing to stop a diplomatic crisis between two nuclear powers, via the scenic route.
Nature's grandeur is so humbling.
What better place to rock a Christian Louboutin stiletto pump? Hi, Instagram, small setback there.
But life goes on, except for the goat I landed on.
Anyway, through sheer force of will, Jared and I are almost at the top.
Unfortunately, my skin is very dry up here and I bought the wrong lotion.
This is for ankles, I need it for elbows.
Babu, would you mind making a quick sidetrack to Paris? We're ten minutes from the top.
Then I'm glad we got this sorted out before we arrived.
Hm.
My husband, he's having a heart attack! Stand back! Adele? In between winning Grammys and awards for philanthropy, I've also been training as a doctor.
Live, live.
Oh, my God, that's incredible.
That you're alive? No, that you're so thin.
How did you lose all that weight? Erm Maybe by doing this? That's it.
Everyone do it.
Oh, fuck off! I can feel myself getting thinner.
I just want to thank you for these amazing decisions that went against us.
Wow! What a game.
I thought we were beating Everton, then the goal was taken away on VAR for no obvious reason.
Ha ha! Amazing twist.
So dramatic.
What a joy for all the fans that hate us.
My Twitter is going crazy.
"Go fuck yourself, Jurgen.
" Wow, ha ha! A great new challenge.
OK, how will I do this? Hm.
One leg goes here, and the other leg Argh! I broke my nose on the ground.
Amazing, wow! How you doing down there, Mr Biden? Oh, good, good.
Hey, how's that rescue coming? I've been down here for 20 minutes.
It's been three days, sir.
Oh, I've been in tougher scrapes than this.
I remember two kids went up to a well, one fell down, broke his crown, serious head injury.
And that's why Barack and I created the Affordable Care Act for kids like Jack and Jill, if she needs an abortion, or wants.
See, I'm learning.
This has been the best three days of the campaign.
No-one can hear his gaffes, people love his can-do spirit.
That Joe's a tough bastard.
If I was gonna get off my ass to vote, I'd vote for him.
Hey, Mr Biden assistant, y'all want me to loan you a rope ladder? Well, yes, we're considering that.
Safety is paramount, we don't want to rush this.
Yes, and whatever method we use, should reflect the dignity of the office for which he is running.
I'm standing in frog shit! And everyone respects you for it, sir.
This summit is pointless, we agree on nothing.
I agree.
Well, I don't! What does our loud-mouthed American negotiator have to say? Perhaps he's waiting to hear from us.
Americans never listen.
They just yak on about how great they are because they invented peanut butter and jazz.
I like jazz.
No-one likes jazz.
How can we have an honest negotiation if you're going to say obvious bullshit? Eat prayer wheel! GONG The American is right.
This is a place of peace and understanding.
Let us talk as friends.
Joe Biden continues to soar in the polls, as his aides debate the best way to extract him from his watery predicament.
Typical government incompetence.
Removing a presidential candidate from a well is the kind of problem I was put on this earth to solve.
Sandy, where's my boring machine? 'It's drilling a private tunnel from your house 'to your favourite Taco Bell.
' Have it continue on to Iowa.
Sure, I got problems, but do you know who else is underwater? America's small business owners.
Great stuff, sir.
And good news, Elon Musk is on his way with his boring machine.
Sounds exciting.
I'll keep a sharp eye out.
It's me, Elon Musk, I'm here to save you.
Technical problem.
We'll patch it up.
Out of yoghurt.
Damn.
Easily fixed.
There, perfectly curdled.
While Jared is working on world peace, it's time for me to wow the malnourished, dirt-poor craftswomen of this Himalayan dump.
Look at those adorable ethnic outfits.
Argh! Don't be scared.
It's me, Ivanka Trump.
I thought you were a yeti.
Only the yeti wears white in the snow.
He uses camouflage to surprise his victims.
Very gruesome.
But that's evolutionary biology for you.
Oh, that fabric is so silky.
What's it made of? Silk.
Oh, my gosh.
Ivanka idea.
Oh, it's coming.
Ooh, it's here.
What if we partner for an indigenous women's fashion collective? What's a collective? I collect your clothes and sell them in America for ten times the price.
Supporting third-world women would totally restore my cred with the New York elite.
Sorry, Miss Ivanka, but we place no value on wealth.
And only a small value on "cred".
But it's win-win.
You get money, I get cred and I get money.
We make our clothes because it brings us inner peace and outerwear.
Inner peace? I bet I could market the hell out of that.
Inner Peace by Ivanka.
Ivanka.
So, after a truly inspirational day, I'm headed back to Jared.
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet Isn't Twitter neat, neat? Breaking news, funny jokes Sending love to all your folks You've got it wrong You silly birds Cos everyone On Twitter is a turd 280 characters And everyone's a snowflake Prince Andrew doesn't sweat That's the very latest hot take The death threats from the incels Come from all around the globe Oh, look, another writer Is a massive transphobe You tweet something innocent like "I like weekends" A million people answer back "Hey, that tweet offends "It's insensitive to people Who have no friends" I hope you still like weekends When your career ends You're cancelled! This platform is making A shit world shitter That's it, we are done We are leaving Twitter Goodbye to the reply guys The performatively woke cries The can't take the joke bros The rewrite your joke hos The snitch-tagging jerks And the tweet-stealing berks The mouth-breathing pussies The pussy-grabbing wussies The mansplainer dicks The dick-pic-sending pricks Get your wieners out my DMs, boy Hashtag this Tweet, tweet, tweet Your post has been retweeted most Your hot take is about to win Don't you want to log back in? Ow! Argh! I said that I would leave But then I came right back I love, love, love To be a self-promoting hack I'm just gonna quickly call Someone a paedo Here's a major spoiler From your favourite TV show Who cares if Twitter gives you An awful world view We will never, ever, ever, ever Ever quit you.
It would be wrong to confirm a Supreme Court judge in an election year.
It's OK to confirm a judge ten seconds before the election.
President Obama is a lame duck.
President Trump is a strong duck with big, flappy wings.
There is no rush.
Go, go, wee! The President is not above the law.
The President IS the law.
He-he-he-he! I never flip-flop.
I love the flip-flop.
The dress is white and gold.
The dress is blue and black! I heard Laurel.
I heard Yanny.
One thing will never change, my respect for the dignity of the Senate.
There are no rules! Huh? Fuck me sideways! Aliens! We come in peace.
Our species has been monitoring your Earth news broadcasts for many years.
But lately, we noticed all they ever talk about is one thing.
Is it about how much weight I've lost? Yes, it's incredible.
And your skin isn't even baggy.
'king hell.
We have travelled 1,000 light years to take a selfie with you.
With our advanced alien technology, you only have to hold still for three minutes.
One potato, two potato You extra-terrestrial twats! You'd be prettier if you smiled.
Mr Chairman, I'm glad we've found a way to step back from our conflict.
Indeed, and may I say Hold it, hold it.
Only the person holding the head may speak.
All right.
In the end, it took the Americans to show us how foolish we've been.
Why fight among ourselves when the US has become so pathetic? If we just sit back and do nothing, we shall inherit the world.
Let our triumph ring out.
Ha ha! Daddy gave Jared a Presidential Medal of Awesome, and I found inner peace and a sick line of Himalayan merchandise.
Yeti skin wraps.
OK, I've positioned a hypersonic elevator platform underneath Mr Biden.
It was developed to lift cargo into orbit.
But in this case, I'll use the minimum power to gently raise the candidate back to this campaign event.
Cheese and crackers! This campaign's going higher and higher.
Hey, can you get me down? Working on it.
Keep spreading the message.
You look tense.
Can I massage you? See you in the morning, honey.
Not morning, tomorrow sunset.
I thought you were gonna leave the vampire thing back in Slobovia.
I got homesick.
Kiss, kiss.
Honey, I can't sleep.
I need a bit of that sweet, sweet sugar.
All right, but hurry up.
OK, that's enough, you're sucking me dry.
A quarter and it's Canadian.
This one's just a token for Chuck E.
Cheese.
I thought you were rich.
I'm just not very liquid at the moment.
I'm heavily invested in Russian oligarchs.
That does it, I'm going to hunt some tech bros with bitcoin.
They taste like douche bags, but their cheques clear.
We've talked about this, I'm the one in an open marriage.
Every relationship is hard in its own way.
Schools are on half-term break, time for a holiday, to head away from the kids here in the frigid, howling wastes of Scotland.
What is the purpose of "holidays"? Surely the time would be better spent removing spent workers from the hive.
Removing what? I mean, improving retirement benefits for workers from the hive.
I come here to keep the Scots in the Union.
I show that I love Scotland and in return, inevitably, Scotland will love me.
Here, you with ya wee bastard! Ya skanked my cow, ya wee bawbag! Ah, hello, fellow Union member.
What's he saying, Dom? Unclear.
I will attempt a technique I learnt from the Mind Lords of Thark.
I mean, YouTube.
Za-za-za so much pain.
Za-za-za grievance without logic.
Get away from me, ya wee shite! He says we're in the wrong field and also you ran over his cow.
Ah, I thought I felt a bump on the Bentley.
Ah, this must be yours.
My poor beef lassie.
Always good to meet the electorate.
Now, I believe this dry field is a designated place to build a campfire.
A campfire? Shouldn't we take precautions? I never take precautions.
That's how I got all those kids in the first place.
I love looking at my holiday photos.
Well, Jacinda Ardern, I guess you feel pretty proud of yourself after winning a landslide reelection in New Zealand.
Practically perfect people expect to win by landslides.
Aren't you even going to celebrate? Well, maybe I'll do that thing I did just once when I was a kid.
Let's get high as a kite Up to the gnarliest height I said I only tried it once And I didn't like it Politicians never say That they like the Mary Jay So let's get high High as a kite.
She's so stoned, she thinks her umbrella's talking to her.
Welcome to the final presidential debate.
After the last one, we have changed the rules.
Should things get out of hand, I can mute the candidates' microphones using this red button.
Gentlemen, you may begin now.
Folks, here's the deal Corrupt joke.
Rigged election.
Poorest president of my lifetime I'm fantastic.
Man, shut up And done.
I'll be back in an hour.
C'est Govey en Paris Le petit merde Le petit merde est arrive C'est Govey Le petit merde, Govey.
C'est Govey en Paris C'est Govey en Paris Le petit merde