Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Splitting Up Together" I need passion and romance and sex in my life, and Martin just doesn't.
I bet you never would have dreamed you'd be eating street meat and making out in a parking lot.
Yeah, well, we're not exactly making out.
I wanna fix things with Lena.
Dude, when did this happen? What if I had danced with her at our wedding? Maybe it would have changed the entire course of our marriage.
I am so turned on right now.
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES.]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- - [KEYS TAPPING.]
- - - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Mae? I asked you to put away your laundry.
May I finish this chapter? And, Mason, it's your turn to unload the dishwasher, remember? Just a sec.
And, hey, what about you? Did you put the toys away in your room like I asked? What is What are you doing? What is what is going on? What are you [GASPS.]
Are you running out the clock right now? Are you stalling me until Dad Week so you don't have to do your chores? If you could hear how crazy you sound Mae? - I plead the fifth.
- I plead the fifth, too, because we're doing what you said.
You suck at the fifth.
Okay.
I get it.
I get the appeal.
Guess what.
I'm in.
I'm leaving my chores for Dad Week, too.
- She's bluffing.
- Is she? You don't know her.
She's a changed woman.
She's loco.
Okay, now you do sound crazy.
Why is your third-person persona Hispanic? No lo sé, mamacita.
[LAUGHTER.]
What is going on in here? Unclear.
Mom's trying to be fun.
Oh, Mom's pretty fun these days.
I'd ask what that means, but I'm too fun to care.
And I'd pick up all this clean laundry, but my week is over.
Bye! Text me if you need me.
Okay.
- Did you guys do your chores? - Yep.
- Yep.
- I plead the fifth because we didn't.
How am I doing it wrong? - [CHUCKLES.]
- - Oh, you want some? Want some? - Don't do it.
- Oh, you want some?! - I'm leaving.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay - What do you think? - Depends.
Can he see? And what's wrong with you? You seem relaxed.
I'm just really enjoying dating and really enjoying Wes.
You really enjoyed Wes? I really enjoyed him in a car.
Oh, that must've been nice after a two-year drought.
Ohh.
Really nice.
And it wasn't just the sex.
It was feeling wanted, feeling desired.
It gave me life.
- It gave you life? Wow.
- Yeah.
The only problem is Martin.
He just He's been really cranky with my lately.
Well, he can probably tell that you've been "given life.
" Well, what does he care? He's in a full-blown relationship with "Our Lady of Abs.
" Oh, hey! How's it going with Operation Fetus? I did some research, and if I want to do it on my own, I have to open an account at the sperm bank.
Will they link it to a free checking? [CHUCKLES.]
And then I have to sign a semen-purchaser agreement.
- Come again? - And pay for storage.
I thought we store it in you? And then there's the most important step choosing a donor.
But, you know, the good news is, unlike dating, there really is no rejection.
If you find a guy you like, you can pretty much just have his baby.
He's not gonna be telling you he's joining the Peace Corps and then you run into him at Bed Bath & Beyond.
[SIGHS.]
I want you to know, if you decide to go through with this, I am with you every step of the way and in a pretty good outfit.
A really good outfit.
[WHISPERING.]
Look at those boobies.
- What happened? - The whole thing was a nightmare.
I didn't even get to dance There is nothing sadder than a talented dancer not getting to dance.
because Lena was hooking up with some guy in his car.
You know what? That is sadder.
I mean, who has sex in a car? Camille.
Me.
Lena.
I'm sorry.
Was that rhetorical? I'll get it.
Get what, buddy? Oh.
Hey.
You okay, pal? Ohh.
This kid's got a fever.
[GRUNTS.]
Sorry.
This is the way the movie "Outbreak" started.
Mmm.
Thanks for your concern.
Is he gonna be okay? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Of course.
I have taken care of many a sick child in my day.
Let's get you upstairs to bed and bundle you up.
Or dress you lightly? I'm gonna WebMD it.
All right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey.
Don't mind me.
Just keep putting your party paint on while I parent our children and you put on the other half of that dress.
Are you looking for something? - Board game.
Ever heard of 'em? - Board game? They're a wholesome form of entertainment.
Are you having family game night? As a matter of fact, we are.
You mind if I join you? Suit yourself.
I think we're gonna play Monopoly.
I'll be the car.
[RUSTLING AND CLATTERING.]
[RING TONE PLAYS.]
Hey.
Yeah, that sounds great, whatever you want.
I'm chill.
Chill? Chill? - Yeah, I'll see you in five.
- Chill?! She's chill?! - She's the opposite of chill! - I am increasingly chill! She yelled in a very un-chill way! Okay, stop it.
There is no narrating.
Okay, back up.
Fight's over.
- Hey! You need to go.
- Ugh.
We're almost out of time here.
- [HISSES.]
- [HISSES.]
- This is a really nice place.
- Mm-hmm.
This is the kind of place you take a girl before she has sex with you.
No.
This is the kind of place you take the girl that you really want to keep having sex with.
Welcome! My name is Grace, and I'll be your server tonight.
- Hi, Grace.
- Hi.
Allow me to offer you our house infused blackberry-sage water.
Permission granted.
- Infused.
- I know.
Wow.
That is the best thing I've ever tasted.
- You seem different.
- I do? How? Yeah.
I-I don't know.
You seem lighter.
At this time, we'd like to remind you that this is a screen-free restaurant.
We invite you to stow your devices so you may better enjoy your meal and each other's company.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Mmm.
I'll just stow mine in my purse.
Oh, but look how sad his phone looks - all alone in there.
- Hm? I don't really think it looks sad.
Bloop! [CHUCKLES WRYLY.]
"Bloop," huh? I have to admit, when we first met, - I didn't take you for a blooper.
- No? No.
You seemed like a woman with stuff.
Now look you're giving up your phone, you're making fun noises.
I feel like I'm a good influence on you.
I think you are.
But the stuff's still there.
- Mm.
- For example, my ex, who I still live with, is mad at me, and I think I know why.
And I think it has something to do with you.
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
Even though he's dating someone with an incredibly flat stomach, I'm not supposed to date, because I'm the mom.
And I'm trying not to buy into that double standard, but it's weird - because he's home with the kids - Mmm.
doing a game night, and that just it makes me feel guilty and absent and conflicted, and we had a big fight before I left, where I may or may not have hissed at him, and I kind of want to check in and smooth things over, but I can't, because Grace took my phone, and I hate her, but I like you, and I'm somewhat interested in the veal, which I'm morally opposed to.
Bloop.
[LAUGHING.]
No! No way.
You can't just bloop after that.
Why not? The lightness and the darkness coexist.
I have many sides to me, Wes.
Can you handle many sides? I can handle every side.
MARTIN: Okay, say, "Ahh!" Like this "Ahh!" Uh [SIGHS.]
Look, you're gonna have to stick it right under your tongue, right, and then purse your lips like this, like - like-like you're sipping a straw.
- That's not how Mom does it.
Well, I don't care how Mom does it.
This is how I do it.
But just tell me how Mom does it so I can show you how much I don't care.
First, she puts her lips on my forehead.
Then, she takes an armpit reading, and if it's over 100.
9, she slips me a $20.
- What? - Grape medicine and a $20 bill.
- Yes, she does.
- No, she does not.
- Yes, she does.
Yes, she does, too, - No, she doesn't.
when you're not looking.
So, if he's sick, does that mean no game night? No game night.
But maybe you could find some other form of entertainment, like having sex on our street outside the house? [CHUCKLING.]
Sounds better than Monopoly.
- Oh.
You're talking about - Your sister? The mother of my children? Cleaner of countertops? - I saw her, okay? - [THERMOMETER BEEPING.]
102.
7.
That's gotta be worth at least 40 bucks.
- I don't have any cash.
- Yeah, what's new? Hey.
Since you're missing out on family game tonight - Mm-hmm.
- maybe we could play a game.
Okay.
What'd you have in mind? How about who can make the other person blush first? Oh.
Okay.
I'm in.
Whoa! I'm out.
You win.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
I hate to say it 'cause she is an awful person, but, you know, Grace was right.
Who needs phones? - [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
- - [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
- - [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
- - [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
- - [LAUGHS.]
- [MELLOW BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, hey, Grace! Uh, I'm just on my way to the ladies'.
Would it be cool if I took a glance at my phone real quick? Ohh.
Your entrées will be out shortly.
Fantastic.
Could I just see my phone, please? Well, customarily, we hand people their phones as they exit the restaurant, and, customarily, they thank us for it.
Okay, well, customarily, I don't go dark on my three kids because some hipster restaurant thinks that charred leeks are more important than they are.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- Oh! The entrees are coming out.
I hand-sauce them at the table, - so you might want to hurry back.
- Okay.
- [EXHALES.]
- - [HUSHED.]
Oh! - Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Let me see? Yes! Nice.
What's my prize? Well, for finishing your drink, you get two pills.
Aww! I miss college.
I don't know that I'd ever be as good at this parenting stuff as you are.
- I'm thinking of trying.
- Yeah? On my own.
You probably think that's dumb.
Dumb? Of course not.
It's just a little intimidating, you know, the amount of sheer vigilance that you and Lena have.
I just don't know that I could do it.
So you'll do it in your own Maya way.
I actually you're gonna be a great parent.
- Well, thanks.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That means a lot, coming from you.
You being sarcastic? Usually.
Not right now.
- Well, it sounded sarcastic.
- It's hard to shake.
- Soup? - I didn't order soup.
- Someone did.
- Thank you - [CHUCKLING.]
for the soup.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
I have a feeling, uh-ah, that it's my fault.
I texted her an update.
Oh, you see? You see? This is this is classic Lena, exactly how you shouldn't parent.
She is trying to control this situation - even though she is not here.
- This is just soup.
It is not just soup.
It is doubt and distrust with noodles! She wants to out-parent me while she's out there fooling around with some guy in his car.
My God.
Why are you so stuck on this guy and his car? Because I was trying to be the guy in the car.
Oh, yeah? [CHUCKLES.]
What about your girlfriend? - What? - Oh, yeah, the PYT that has been spotted on multiple occasions, - coming in and out of the garage? - Charlotte? - She's my dance teacher.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's hilarious.
'Cause I was at your wedding.
- You don't dance.
- Well, I do now.
I was trying to surprise Lena for our anniversary.
But I'm the one who got surprised.
Milo.
Soup.
[SIGHS.]
Daddy and I need a drink.
I'm a terrible mother.
My son is home sick, burning up with a fever, and I'm living it up on infused blackberry water.
I can feel Martin judging me right now.
Why? You didn't know he was sick when you left.
Well, that's the other thing.
How did I not know? I can usually spot a fever on that kid a mile away.
Feel like my mom instincts are dwindling.
Hey, they're not dwindling.
[SIGHS.]
Who tore through every item in this closet to check her phone even after she was asked not to? Repeatedly asked not to.
And then who used that phone, during Blitz Pricing, to Post Mates poor sick little Milo some overpriced soup? - I did.
- And in an effort to get you home faster, who asked Grace to wrap up our dinners even though she warned us they'd lose their complexity? - You did.
- That's right.
Bye! [SIGHS.]
Yeah, and there I was in my wedding tux, holding this big, stupid bouquet of flowers, and I waltz up the driveway to find Lena and this guy in his car.
That's more heartbreaking than "Manchester by the Sea.
" Well, what are you gonna do? We're divorced.
But I still don't understand what happened between the two of you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, what'd she say? Well, you know, Lena's a pretty private person, and she doesn't tell me much.
No sex for two years.
Wow.
- Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
- But true? Well, I feel like there was more at play than that, but, yeah probably.
Look, I don't know, all right? I don't know what happened.
I guess, somewhere along the way, with our different sleep schedules and parenting ideals and and constant bickering, you know, I just lost it for Lena.
- You lost it? - Yeah, interest, passion.
My God, we're not even talking about me now, and it's still hard to hear.
Well, it's hard to feel, you know? And then I see some guy in a in a car grabbing her ass, I-I-I can't help but think, "That should be me in there.
" I mean, not in there with them, obviously.
You know, that would be weird.
I I-I just I should've forced myself to No, Martin, no.
You don't force yourself to grab someone's ass.
You do it 'cause you can't not, 'cause you're that into them.
I mean, can you imagine ever having those feelings for Lena again? Grace would kill herself if she knew we were gonna eat this with plastic utensils in my garage.
- But we're not.
- Uh, yeah, we are 'cause the good silver's inside with Martin.
Which is where I think you want to be.
What? No.
No.
I mean Now that we're here, I wouldn't mind doing a quick check-in.
But after that, I'm all yours.
You're definitely not all mine.
Not tonight.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
I'll call you.
Can I call you? Um yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Were you inside? How's Milo? Should I go check on him? Uh, no, Martin's got it covered.
- But I kind of want to see him.
- Yeah, but it's not your night, and Martin probably doesn't want to see you fresh off the heels of your date with Wes.
What? What's that supposed to mean? Has Martin brainwashed you? He had his girlfriend here, but I'm sullied because I went on a date.
Okay, no one's saying sullied, it's 2018, and he doesn't have a girlfriend.
- What? - Yeah.
No girlfriend.
That was his dance teacher that he hired to surprise you on your anniversary.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
And that's the night I was - Sullied.
- Sullied.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Let me guess.
You're here to demand access to Milo.
No.
I'm here to demand access to you.
Oh.
Well, come in.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I didn't know you'd been taking dance lessons - Oh, boy.
- or that you saw me the other night with Wes.
Wow, so Maya is basically an informant.
- [SIGHS.]
No.
No, I just.
I-I feel - She's a double agent.
Stop.
Just stop, okay? We don't have to do this.
- Everything is fine.
It is.
I swear.
- No, it's not fine.
Look, honestly, I-I think this played out - exactly the way it was supposed to.
- What does that mean? It means that I don't know what I was thinking.
What, that I could make one stupid gesture, and then, you know, all of a sudden, everything's gonna be okay? - It wasn't a stupid gesture.
- And seeing you with that guy, it-it hurt, yeah.
Hurt in what way? In the way that it hurts seeing another man with your woman.
"Your woman"? - So it hurt your ego? - Oh, my God, Lena, are you - are you serious right now? - Are you, Martin? Come on.
Did it hurt your heart, or did it hurt your pride? Lena, I'm done, all right? I am done! I am done with the scrutiny.
And whatever way it hurt, I'm sure it wasn't the right kind of hurt for you, okay? And we-we-we we push each other's buttons, and we get under each other's skin.
Look, you deserve the kind of passion that you felt that night in the car.
You deserve someone who feels that way about you.
And that someone isn't you? [MARTIN SIGHS.]
I think I would like to see Milo after all.
This is not - What we wanted - He looks good.
You must've pushed fluids.
I did.
Well, he's not feverish.
Did you alternate Tylenol and Motrin? I did.
Well, you must've kept a great dosing chart.
Nope.
Didn't need it.
- Don't even know what that is.
- You know what that is.
Dosing charts are for babies.
Yes, babies and children that you're trying not to kill.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well to your credit, he does not appear to be dead.
- Did he trick you into giving him money? - No.
[POPS LIPS.]
Hmm.
Must've lost a tooth.
How'd it go? We are still divorced.
Way to keep at it.
What are you doing? Me? I'm doing a little shopping for sperm and purses.
I have two tabs open.
So we're doing it? - We're doing it.
- [GASPS.]
Do you think the baby is gonna be pissed that it doesn't have a dad? - I'll be the dad.
- Yeah? Hell yeah.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Okay, cool.
And speaking of cool, um, can we take a picture of me signing my semen-purchaser agreement? Duh.
We're gonna need it for the baby book.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- Ready? - [GASPS.]
Yes.
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Did you get the semen in there? Oh, it's in there.