Sports Night (1998) s01e04 Episode Script
Intellectual Property
And Tanana,|who obviously can't see the end-zone marker|under the virgin snow, breaks into his touchdown dance|on the 10-yard line, only to be given|a geography lesson by linebacker Marvin Watkins.
That's an incredibly|embarrassing moment for any professional athlete,|so when we come back, we're gonna show it to you|a couple of more times if only so that I can keep|saying "virgin snow.
" Stick around|for more "Sports Night, "|coming up after this.
We're out.
Two minutes back.
You know what? We're gonna be 15 seconds|short on the Bucks/Pacers.
Jeremy, can you get Dan|something interesting|about Milwaukee? I can tell you that it is not|the capital of Wisconsin.
And while that may be true,|I need it to be about the team, and, oh, yeah,|I need it to be interesting.
-I was just saying|for starters.
|-I got it.
Has anybody else noticed that Casey's been flinching|a lot tonight? He's been doing it|for a couple of nights.
-Flinching?|-Like a tic.
|-It's a flinch.
Casey, why are you flinching? I'm not flinching.
Not now, but before.
-More like a tic.
|-It's a flinch.
A flinch or a tic.
|What's going on? -There's a fly|in the studio.
|-A fly? Yes, a big one.
It's been|in here about three days now.
Dave, there's a fly|in the studio? -I'm not seeing it.
|-Casey says there's a fly.
Is there a fly|in our studio? -I'm not hearing anything.
|-There ain't no fly.
Casey, there's no fly.
Dana, there is a fly in the|studio the size of a bald eagle, and every time he buzzes my head|on a flyby, it's like a sound check|at a Black Sabbath concert.
You're not picking this up? Dan, is there a fly|in the studio? Let him work through it.
Isaac, I see you're smiling|and holding a ratings book both at the same time.
|What do we know? We're not number one,|we're not number two, but we picked up a point|and a half with men 18 to 49, and we took it evenly|from Fox and Bristol.
Plus I'm always smiling|this time of night.
|You know why? -Double Chivas on the rocks?|-That's right.
You hear that?|We're still number three.
Here we go.
The attendance|at tonight's game, 11,323, is exactly the same|as the population of Hoisington, Kansas.
Okay, Dan,|here's the thing.
You're gonna be|15 seconds short on|the Bucks/Pacers game.
I have two options for you.
Option one|is that the attendance|at the game, 11,323, turns out to be exactly the same|as the population of Hoisington, Kansas.
Hoisington, Kansas.
And option two? Talk slower.
Boy, it's almost hard|to believe we're in third place.
Oh, yeah, I'm in pain.
|I'd say this is pain.
Elliott, can you get me a recruiting file|on Conference USA? Very sure I'd call this pain.
-Just football or|-Football/basketball.
I'd say this is a pain that was gonna last|well into the new year.
-What happened?|-Not important.
They told me that if|I took care of my body, my body would take care of me.
I need the last three years.
I took care of my body, and my body just deserted me|at that moment.
No, your brain|deserted you, Casey.
Your body was fine.
I have a broken ankle.
|You're not concerned -I have a broken ankle?|-Where does it hurt? In my ankle, Danny.
|It hurts in my ankle.
-You shouldn't move it.
|-I can't move it.
-Well, then, you're all set.
Hey, if that's Dana,|I'm not here.
-Why would it be Dana?|-I'm saying it could be Dana.
It could be a lot of people.
|Hello? -It's Dana.
|-Hey, I'm not here.
Yeah, he's right here.
|What do you need? No, he's not flinching|or anything.
He seems fine.
-I'm not fine.
|I have a broken ankle.
|-We got that off the wire.
Hey, tell her|I have a broken ankle.
Casey says he has|a broken ankle.
Yeah.
|Now tell her it hurts.
He says it hurts.
Yeah.
Now make this part|sound dignified and heroic -- 'Cause he kicked a fire hydrant|on his way back from lunch.
Would you stop talking|about it now? 'Cause he just found out|you were going to Vermont|this weekend with Gordon.
That is not why!|That is not why! Yeah, he's walking around|pretty good now.
See you|at the afternoon rundown.
-Well, thanks|for the teamwork.
|-No problem.
Well, did she say anything? She said you shouldn't kick|fire hydrants.
-I didn't see|the fire hydrant.
|-What were you trying|to kick? -I was trying to kick you.
|-Why? You've known for a while now|that she's been seeing|this guy Gordon.
Yes.
-You didn't tell me.
|-Right.
Why? I thought you might be upset.
|I can see now I was wrong.
Look, I'm not upset,|all right? I've known Dana for 15 years.
She just does this kind|of thing from time to time.
-You mean|have a personal life?|-Yeah.
-She does it|to make me jealous.
|-I don't think|it's gonna work.
Do you? My behavior is not motivated|by jealousy, Danny.
This is not jealousy.
What is your behavior|motivated by? It's an emotion I'm having|a difficult time putting|my finger on at the moment, but, uh, it'll come to me.
Dan, I just got a call|from a woman named Malory Moss|in business affairs.
She needs to talk to you|about some accounting.
All right, tell her|it'll have to wait, okay? Casey and I are doing|some work right now.
Ankle pain, ankle pain,|ankle pain.
-I'll be right there!|-Oh, God! You know something?|I can't think of the last time|I had a good idea.
This segment's a good idea.
It's not a really good idea.
It's a fine idea.
|It's a regular idea.
You have good ideas a lot.
I find myself saying,|"Natalie's got a good idea.
" But you also|find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up|again, I'll set you on fire.
" That's true, too,|and yet it's the good-idea thing|I'm focusing on right now.
Do you like this shot here? All I'm looking at|is the Pepsi sign.
Moving on.
What was the last|good idea you had? When I got up this morning,|I decided not to stick|my hand in the blender.
-That's what I mean.
How 'bout this? That's good.
I think the way|you're handling the Casey|situation is very good.
The Casey situation? I'm calling it|"the Casey situation.
" -It's not a situation.
|-It's a bit of a situation.
-It's not at all a situation.
|-I've already named it.
You know, from, like,|the second Casey and Lisa|split up, everyone in this office|is convinced that I have|a strategy -for getting Casey|to fall in love with me.
|-You're wrong.
We knew you didn't have|a strategy, and we're glad you've finally|come up with something.
I have not come up|with something.
Well, at least|you're asking for help.
Natalie, I am not employing|a strategy.
You're going to Vermont|for the weekend with Gordon.
Yes, I am.
-And you bought new lingerie.
|-Yes, I did.
And you went out of your way to make sure Casey knew|you bought new lingerie.
-I did not!|-Right.
That was me.
-Natalie!|-Well, let's get this show|on the road already, huh? There is no show,|and there's no road.
You're going to Vermont|with Gordon and new lingerie.
Yes, I am, because I choose to, and there's nothing sinister|about it.
I like Gordon,|and I like Vermont, so I am going with Gordon|to Vermont, and I'm taking|new lingerie for me.
This is for me.
Well, I gotta say, you got Casey|right where you want him.
-Hi.
Excuse me.
|-Oh, hi.
I'm Dan Rydell.
|They said you wanted to see me.
Yes, yes, I do.
|Hi, I'm Malory Moss.
I just started this week,|so please pardon the mess.
-That's fine.
Look, there's a revolving door|here on business affairs, and I go through this|with all the new people.
My out-of-town expense sheets|tend to be a little unusual.
Yes, I noticed,|but that's not the problem.
-What's the problem?|-During your broadcast|on September 5, you sang "Happy Birthday"|to your partner, Casey McCall.
Yeah, but I can explain that.
|I -- Wait.
It was his birthday.
|Why do I have to explain that? You sang "Happy Birthday"|on the air.
-Dana cleared it.
|-Who's Dana? Dana Whitaker's|the producer of the show.
Ooh, yes.
|Well, my predecessor|didn't clear it.
-Who's your predecessor?|-Marty Sheinbaum.
-Who's Marty Sheinbaum?|-My predecessor.
Look, I don't have|a whole lot of time -- Listen, I think it's sweet that you and your partner|sing to each other|on television.
Others may think it's vaguely|gay, but I disagree.
Thank you.
-Nonetheless,|you can't do it anymore.
|-Why not? -It's against the law.
|-It's against the law|to be vaguely gay? It's against the law|to sing "Happy Birthday"|on television.
-That doesn't sound|quite right to me.
|-It is.
-You went to law school|and everything, right?|-Yeah.
-You took the bar?|-Three times.
-It's against the law|to sing "Happy Birthday"|on television?|-Federal copyright law.
-"Happy Birthday"|is protected material?|-Yes.
Who holds the copyright|to "Happy Birthday"? The representatives|of Mildred and Patty Hill.
-Mildred and Patty Hill?|-The authors.
-The authors?|They wrote the song?|-They wrote it.
Did you think that song|just happened? Well, yeah.
Oh.
It didn't.
Live and learn.
Yes, indeed.
Would they be happy|with an autographed hat? Yes, they would.
Great.
-Along with $2,500.
|-I'm sorry? They've billed the network|$2,500.
$2,500|to sing "Happy Birthday"? -Yes.
|-Ouch.
Intellectual property,|droit moral, fair use,|royalty structure -- these things may not mean|anything to you, but I assure you|they mean a great deal to me, and they meant a great deal|to my predecessor.
-Marty Sheinbaum.
|-Marty Sheinbaum.
You know what? From now on,|I am only singing songs|in the public domain.
-That'll teach 'em.
|-I'm not kidding.
Go knock 'em dead.
Jeremy -Right here.
|-Would you follow me, please? What's up? I hold here in my hand|a tape of last night's show.
I will put it in the VCR, We shall fast-forward|to the portions where I flinch, and you will see in the tape|that there is a fly.
I don't think|this is really necessary.
You will bear witness.
|You will bear witness, and you will tell everyone|that I'm not crazy.
-I don't think anyone|thinks you're crazy.
|-I think they do.
-I'm sure you're wrong.
|-Well, it feels like everyone|thinks I'm crazy.
I have a lot of experience|with that feeling.
-Yeah, I'm sure you do.
|-Yes.
Okay, right here --|right when we come back|to this scene -- you're gonna see clear as can be|that there is a fly|right here.
Where the hell's the fly? Well, why don't I just tell|everybody that I saw the fly? -Look, this isn't in my head.
|-Of course it's not.
-No, seriously.
|-I know.
There's a fly in there.
Maybe he only makes himself|visible to you.
Maybe he only makes himself|visible to me? Like the rabbit in "Harvey.
" -No, no, this isn't like|the rabbit in "Harvey.
"|-Of course it's not.
-No, seriously.
|-No, I know.
-Jeremy --|-I'm just saying|whether it's there or not you're making me believe|it's there.
-It's there.
|-I believe it.
Good.
-Can I say something?|-Yeah.
-Can I speak candidly|for a moment?|-That's fine.
'Cause I'm the new guy here,|and I don't want to overstep|my bounds.
-You're not.
|-I'm not overstepping|my bounds? Your bounds are fine.
|Don't worry about your bounds.
It just seems to me,|what with kicking fire hydrants and your on-air hallucinations, that you've gotten your head|turned around pretty good.
I'm not having hallucinations.
The fire hydrant got in my way,|and there's nothing wrong|with my head.
-Good.
|-I'm not obsessing about Dana.
-Dana?|-Yeah.
Dana's my friend, Jeremy.
|She's been my friend|for 15 years.
-Oh, that?|-Yeah.
Oh, as far as Vermont|is concerned, it is my understanding|that the weekend is almost entirely about sex.
Well, that makes me feel,|God, so much better.
Sure.
I-I'm not interested|in Dana.
I-I don't care|about her weekend plans.
-Right.
|-No, seriously.
Call me if you find the fly.
You know, Landingham's|getting dumped.
It's either gonna be|Biselli or -- Oh, the guy from lowa state.
-Kitner.
|-Yeah.
|-It's not gonna be Kitner.
It's gonna be Biselli,|but either way, it's time|to get this on the air.
-You have sources?|-We have a healthy hunch.
-You have sources?|-Not for attribution.
Get someone|to go on the record.
That's when we'll get it|on the air.
No one understands the value|of a healthy hunch.
Our lawyers understand|the value of a healthy hunch.
It's $400 an hour|plus court costs.
Get someone|to go on the record.
Now, what do we know|about the phantom fly? It's not a phantom.
Fine.
-It's not a phantom fly.
|It's a real fly.
|-We believe you.
I'm like Tippi Hedren|in there.
Nonetheless, the flinching -- -Like a tic.
|-It's a flinch.
Listen to me.
There is a fly|in the studio, and this is not|a normal-sized fly.
It's a jumbo fly.
It has made a habit now|of flying into my monitors|at a great velocity.
You would think|that at this velocity|it would blow apart on impact, but apparently this fly has|some sort of protective coating that allows it|to come right back at me.
-Protective coating?|-Yes.
Does the fly have|any other special powers? No.
Well, Jeremy thinks|it might have some sort|of stealth capability.
Dana? We'll brush the studio.
That's all.
|Final rundown's at 10:00.
-Hey, Isaac, you got a second?|-What's going on? I got the|intellectual-property cops|crawling up my butt.
-The intellectual-property|cops|-Yeah.
are crawling up your butt? The heat's all over me.
What the hell|are you talking about, Dan? I sang "Happy Birthday"|to Casey on the air.
When? Wellon his birthday,|Isaac.
Oh, sure.
The network's being charged|$2,500 by the copyright holder.
Someone holds the copyright|to "Happy Birthday"? The representatives|of Patty and Mildred Hill.
-Took two people|to write that song?|-Go figure.
The important thing is|I'm putting together a list of songs|in the public domain, and I'm asking each person|to pick a song they'd like to have sung|to them on their birthday.
Why are you talking to me? For you, I've boiled it down|to two choices -- "Jammo, Jammo"|by Giuseppe Verdi or "Yo-Ho-Ho,|And a Bottle of Rum!" Are you on any medication|right now? I'm gonna go|with the Verdi.
If you freeze-frame|this shot here -- right -- and lose the Pepsi sign, you spot-shadow|the right inside linebacker, then cut back to movement|on the whole field.
That works.
Jeremy,|Dana's got me thinking.
When was the last time|you had a good idea? -It was right then.
|-That's not what I mean.
-It was a good idea.
|-I was talking|on a grander scale.
-I see.
|-I mean, a good idea|on the grand scale|of human experience.
-Yes.
|-When was the last time|you had one? -A good idea on the grand|scale of human experience?|-Yes.
You understand I'm|saying we spot-shadow|the inside linebacker? -Yes.
|-That doesn't count? I feel like a freeloader|sometimes, leaving the good ideas|up to other people.
I feel like I'm|standing on the shoulders of generations past.
-Do you know what I mean?|-Yes.
-Really?|-My grandfather|invented the clipboard.
-Did he?|-Well, he didn't invent it, but he always used to complain|that he didn't have|a portable writing surface.
-I don't think|you're getting it.
|-Yeah, I don't think so.
I am certain|beyond any doubt that if Dana and Casey|got together as a couple, they would both be very happy.
|I think that's a good idea.
-It's a virtuous idea.
|-You don't think|it's a good idea? -Well, I'm not|really one to --|-Tell me what you think! -It's a bad idea.
|-Look who's talking.
You want to spot-shadow|the outside linebacker.
-lnside linebacker!|-They are meant|for each other! -The inside|and outside linebacker?|-I meant Dana and Casey.
I think the inside|and outside linebacker|have a better chance.
add it all up, and|it's what the old folks call|a triple-double.
It's what the Germans call|a dreifach verdoppeln.
In Japanese,|it's toripuru daburu, and it's rawa engwa eu for those of you who speak|the ancient language|of Acadian.
You're watching "Sports Night"|on CSC, so stick around.
-We're out.
|-60 seconds back.
The ancient language|of Acadian? That was me.
Hey, Dana,|I was seeing you got|a birthday coming up, and I was wondering|how you'd feel about|"Oh! Dem Golden Slippers!" Just go with it.
Yeah, that's fine.
By the way, you know what|you got me for my birthday? A box of Mallomars.
-You like Mallomars.
|-I love Mallomars,|but these weren't|$2,500 Mallomars.
-They were good Mallomars.
|-They were fine Mallomars.
All I'm saying is you|could have had the four|remaining Spice Girls serve them to me in hot pants --|I still say I got gypped.
-How's your ankle?|-Broken.
You know what? "Frère Jacques" for you|on your birthday next year.
One chorus.
In 32 That's all for this edition|of "Sports Night.
" Tune in on Monday night,|and we'll have the NFL, the NBA, and all the college ball|you can handle.
I'm Dan Rydell.
For Casey McCall|and everyone here at CSC,|thanks for joining us.
Have a good weekend.
Vermont! Gordon just called from his car.
|He's downstairs.
I'm on my way.
|I am on my way to Vermont.
Five hours from now,|I shall be in Vermont.
Do you know what I'm doing|right now? -Going to Vermont?|-That's right.
-Dana's leaving.
|Go say goodbye.
|-I have things to do.
-What do you have to do?|-I have to take off|my earpiece.
Ow! The Green Mountain state.
|Maple Syrup.
Want me to bring you back|some maple Syrup, Chris? -I've got maple syrup.
|-I need maple syrup.
-Maple syrup for Will.
|-Oh, no, wait.
|I've got maple syrup.
No maple syrup for Will.
-Good night.
|-Good night, guys.
-Good night.
|-Good night.
Good night.
|Have a good weekend.
-I will.
|-|Yeah, I bet you will.
-What was that?|-I said I bet you will.
-You bet I will?|-Yeah.
What does that mean? Well, it means that if|someone were to offer money against the possibility of|your having a good time|this weekend, I would take that action.
I'm gonna have a good time|this weekend.
-I bet you will.
|-Stop saying that! Dana, I want you to go|to Vermont.
I want you to have a good time.
|I'm all for it.
Really, I am, except|for this -- I don't|think you should go.
Don't do this.
-Who's Gordon?|-Gordon's my friend.
He's nothing|anyone needs to worry about.
Aztec Two-Step, "Turandot"? Have you been following me? -No.
|-Have you? I have not been following you.
|I'm not 10 years old.
I looked at the calendar|on your desk.
I can'tbelieve Saturday the 2nd, Aztec Two-Step|at the Bottom Line with Gordon.
Sunday the 10th,|"Turandot" with Gordon|at Lincoln Center.
And I'm assuming, although|your modifier was dangling, that you're going with Gordon|to see "Turandot," you're not going to see Gordon|in "Turandot.
" -Yes, that's right.
|-So? So knock it off.
-Knock what off?|-This.
This.
Knock it off.
|You've been doing it to me|since college, and we're not doing it|anymore.
We're not doing what anymore? Every time your life starts|to spin out of control,|you come after me, and you make me feel|like you feel a certain way when you really don't.
You did it in college, you did it in Dallas,|you did it in L.
A.
, and you're doing it now.
I don't think you're cute,|I don't think you're funny, I don't think you're smart, and sometimes I don't think|you're very nice.
You don't think I'm funny? I'm leaving now.
I apologize for nothing.
Well, that's not true.
|I apologize for some things, but not a lot of things -- a few things,|several things.
I apologize|for about half the things.
-Good night.
|-W-What do you want from me? -I married Lisa.
|-Yes, you did.
-Well, now|I'm not married to Lisa.
|-Lisa was a friend of mine.
-Lisa can't stand you.
|-Lisa can't stand you.
Lisa can't stand Lisa.
Whatever the case, your life is changing faster|than you can manage.
You're depressed,|you're angry, you're lonely,|and you're frightened, but, God, everything|will be fine if I could|just see Dana naked.
Oh, Dana, believe me, I have|no desire to see you naked.
Excuse me?! -That came out wrong.
|-Make it come out right.
-Look, of course|I want to see you naked.
|-Louder.
I want to see you naked.
|-I can't hear you.
I want badly|to see you naked! Yeah, you better want|to see me naked! Look, you know what I do when my life is starting|to spin out of control? I buy a new lamp.
Every time I'm starting|to lose it just a little,|I buy a lamp.
Well, you must have|one well-lit apartment, 'cause, lady, you turned|a corner somewhere.
I'm not the one being hunted|by an imaginary insect! A fly isn't an insect.
Of course it's an insect.
-Well, what is it|that isn't an insect?|-A spider.
-That's right.
|-So, while I appreciate|the attention, you and I know|that it's not about me, it's about you being|a lunatic! Look, Dana, you seem to be|under the impression -I'm harboring|some kind of love for you.
|-No! You're under that impression, but I know that it's in|your head, just like the fly! "A" -- I am not feeling|what you think I'm feeling.
"B" -- If I were feeling|what you think I'm feeling, it wouldn't be in my head.
And "C" -- You have|serious feelings for me that only now are you|being forced to confront and that will likely send you|into a lamp-buying frenzy.
Okay, let's review this.
|I don't think you quite|have this.
I have utterly no feelings|for you whatsoever! You are monumentally|interested in me, only you're not,|'cause it's all in your head! -Like the fly?|-Like the fly! Okay, so just to sum up,|you're critically deranged! You know what I'm taking|with me to Vermont?! A team of world-class|psychiatrists?! Black lingerie -- lots of it! I'm gonna have a good time! I bet you will! Knock it off! You know|what I'm talking about, and it is not fair to me.
It's not good for you it's not good for me,|and it's not good|for the show, so knock it off.
-Dana?!|-Hey, sweetie.
Oh.
Hey, I was waiting|downstairs.
I thought something|might be wrong.
No, sorry.
|I was just tying up|some loose ends.
Well, that was worth|waiting for.
Hey, Gordon.
|Casey McCall.
Hey, great to meet you.
|I'm a big fan.
You guys are gonna get|about 8 to 10 inches of new powder up at Sugarbush.
|I checked the wire for you.
Hey, cool.
Thanks.
Yeah.
No problem.
|Have a great weekend.
All right.
Soare you ready to go? Yeah.
I, uh, left my bags|by the elevators.
Son of a gun.
That's an incredibly|embarrassing moment for any professional athlete,|so when we come back, we're gonna show it to you|a couple of more times if only so that I can keep|saying "virgin snow.
" Stick around|for more "Sports Night, "|coming up after this.
We're out.
Two minutes back.
You know what? We're gonna be 15 seconds|short on the Bucks/Pacers.
Jeremy, can you get Dan|something interesting|about Milwaukee? I can tell you that it is not|the capital of Wisconsin.
And while that may be true,|I need it to be about the team, and, oh, yeah,|I need it to be interesting.
-I was just saying|for starters.
|-I got it.
Has anybody else noticed that Casey's been flinching|a lot tonight? He's been doing it|for a couple of nights.
-Flinching?|-Like a tic.
|-It's a flinch.
Casey, why are you flinching? I'm not flinching.
Not now, but before.
-More like a tic.
|-It's a flinch.
A flinch or a tic.
|What's going on? -There's a fly|in the studio.
|-A fly? Yes, a big one.
It's been|in here about three days now.
Dave, there's a fly|in the studio? -I'm not seeing it.
|-Casey says there's a fly.
Is there a fly|in our studio? -I'm not hearing anything.
|-There ain't no fly.
Casey, there's no fly.
Dana, there is a fly in the|studio the size of a bald eagle, and every time he buzzes my head|on a flyby, it's like a sound check|at a Black Sabbath concert.
You're not picking this up? Dan, is there a fly|in the studio? Let him work through it.
Isaac, I see you're smiling|and holding a ratings book both at the same time.
|What do we know? We're not number one,|we're not number two, but we picked up a point|and a half with men 18 to 49, and we took it evenly|from Fox and Bristol.
Plus I'm always smiling|this time of night.
|You know why? -Double Chivas on the rocks?|-That's right.
You hear that?|We're still number three.
Here we go.
The attendance|at tonight's game, 11,323, is exactly the same|as the population of Hoisington, Kansas.
Okay, Dan,|here's the thing.
You're gonna be|15 seconds short on|the Bucks/Pacers game.
I have two options for you.
Option one|is that the attendance|at the game, 11,323, turns out to be exactly the same|as the population of Hoisington, Kansas.
Hoisington, Kansas.
And option two? Talk slower.
Boy, it's almost hard|to believe we're in third place.
Oh, yeah, I'm in pain.
|I'd say this is pain.
Elliott, can you get me a recruiting file|on Conference USA? Very sure I'd call this pain.
-Just football or|-Football/basketball.
I'd say this is a pain that was gonna last|well into the new year.
-What happened?|-Not important.
They told me that if|I took care of my body, my body would take care of me.
I need the last three years.
I took care of my body, and my body just deserted me|at that moment.
No, your brain|deserted you, Casey.
Your body was fine.
I have a broken ankle.
|You're not concerned -I have a broken ankle?|-Where does it hurt? In my ankle, Danny.
|It hurts in my ankle.
-You shouldn't move it.
|-I can't move it.
-Well, then, you're all set.
Hey, if that's Dana,|I'm not here.
-Why would it be Dana?|-I'm saying it could be Dana.
It could be a lot of people.
|Hello? -It's Dana.
|-Hey, I'm not here.
Yeah, he's right here.
|What do you need? No, he's not flinching|or anything.
He seems fine.
-I'm not fine.
|I have a broken ankle.
|-We got that off the wire.
Hey, tell her|I have a broken ankle.
Casey says he has|a broken ankle.
Yeah.
|Now tell her it hurts.
He says it hurts.
Yeah.
Now make this part|sound dignified and heroic -- 'Cause he kicked a fire hydrant|on his way back from lunch.
Would you stop talking|about it now? 'Cause he just found out|you were going to Vermont|this weekend with Gordon.
That is not why!|That is not why! Yeah, he's walking around|pretty good now.
See you|at the afternoon rundown.
-Well, thanks|for the teamwork.
|-No problem.
Well, did she say anything? She said you shouldn't kick|fire hydrants.
-I didn't see|the fire hydrant.
|-What were you trying|to kick? -I was trying to kick you.
|-Why? You've known for a while now|that she's been seeing|this guy Gordon.
Yes.
-You didn't tell me.
|-Right.
Why? I thought you might be upset.
|I can see now I was wrong.
Look, I'm not upset,|all right? I've known Dana for 15 years.
She just does this kind|of thing from time to time.
-You mean|have a personal life?|-Yeah.
-She does it|to make me jealous.
|-I don't think|it's gonna work.
Do you? My behavior is not motivated|by jealousy, Danny.
This is not jealousy.
What is your behavior|motivated by? It's an emotion I'm having|a difficult time putting|my finger on at the moment, but, uh, it'll come to me.
Dan, I just got a call|from a woman named Malory Moss|in business affairs.
She needs to talk to you|about some accounting.
All right, tell her|it'll have to wait, okay? Casey and I are doing|some work right now.
Ankle pain, ankle pain,|ankle pain.
-I'll be right there!|-Oh, God! You know something?|I can't think of the last time|I had a good idea.
This segment's a good idea.
It's not a really good idea.
It's a fine idea.
|It's a regular idea.
You have good ideas a lot.
I find myself saying,|"Natalie's got a good idea.
" But you also|find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up|again, I'll set you on fire.
" That's true, too,|and yet it's the good-idea thing|I'm focusing on right now.
Do you like this shot here? All I'm looking at|is the Pepsi sign.
Moving on.
What was the last|good idea you had? When I got up this morning,|I decided not to stick|my hand in the blender.
-That's what I mean.
How 'bout this? That's good.
I think the way|you're handling the Casey|situation is very good.
The Casey situation? I'm calling it|"the Casey situation.
" -It's not a situation.
|-It's a bit of a situation.
-It's not at all a situation.
|-I've already named it.
You know, from, like,|the second Casey and Lisa|split up, everyone in this office|is convinced that I have|a strategy -for getting Casey|to fall in love with me.
|-You're wrong.
We knew you didn't have|a strategy, and we're glad you've finally|come up with something.
I have not come up|with something.
Well, at least|you're asking for help.
Natalie, I am not employing|a strategy.
You're going to Vermont|for the weekend with Gordon.
Yes, I am.
-And you bought new lingerie.
|-Yes, I did.
And you went out of your way to make sure Casey knew|you bought new lingerie.
-I did not!|-Right.
That was me.
-Natalie!|-Well, let's get this show|on the road already, huh? There is no show,|and there's no road.
You're going to Vermont|with Gordon and new lingerie.
Yes, I am, because I choose to, and there's nothing sinister|about it.
I like Gordon,|and I like Vermont, so I am going with Gordon|to Vermont, and I'm taking|new lingerie for me.
This is for me.
Well, I gotta say, you got Casey|right where you want him.
-Hi.
Excuse me.
|-Oh, hi.
I'm Dan Rydell.
|They said you wanted to see me.
Yes, yes, I do.
|Hi, I'm Malory Moss.
I just started this week,|so please pardon the mess.
-That's fine.
Look, there's a revolving door|here on business affairs, and I go through this|with all the new people.
My out-of-town expense sheets|tend to be a little unusual.
Yes, I noticed,|but that's not the problem.
-What's the problem?|-During your broadcast|on September 5, you sang "Happy Birthday"|to your partner, Casey McCall.
Yeah, but I can explain that.
|I -- Wait.
It was his birthday.
|Why do I have to explain that? You sang "Happy Birthday"|on the air.
-Dana cleared it.
|-Who's Dana? Dana Whitaker's|the producer of the show.
Ooh, yes.
|Well, my predecessor|didn't clear it.
-Who's your predecessor?|-Marty Sheinbaum.
-Who's Marty Sheinbaum?|-My predecessor.
Look, I don't have|a whole lot of time -- Listen, I think it's sweet that you and your partner|sing to each other|on television.
Others may think it's vaguely|gay, but I disagree.
Thank you.
-Nonetheless,|you can't do it anymore.
|-Why not? -It's against the law.
|-It's against the law|to be vaguely gay? It's against the law|to sing "Happy Birthday"|on television.
-That doesn't sound|quite right to me.
|-It is.
-You went to law school|and everything, right?|-Yeah.
-You took the bar?|-Three times.
-It's against the law|to sing "Happy Birthday"|on television?|-Federal copyright law.
-"Happy Birthday"|is protected material?|-Yes.
Who holds the copyright|to "Happy Birthday"? The representatives|of Mildred and Patty Hill.
-Mildred and Patty Hill?|-The authors.
-The authors?|They wrote the song?|-They wrote it.
Did you think that song|just happened? Well, yeah.
Oh.
It didn't.
Live and learn.
Yes, indeed.
Would they be happy|with an autographed hat? Yes, they would.
Great.
-Along with $2,500.
|-I'm sorry? They've billed the network|$2,500.
$2,500|to sing "Happy Birthday"? -Yes.
|-Ouch.
Intellectual property,|droit moral, fair use,|royalty structure -- these things may not mean|anything to you, but I assure you|they mean a great deal to me, and they meant a great deal|to my predecessor.
-Marty Sheinbaum.
|-Marty Sheinbaum.
You know what? From now on,|I am only singing songs|in the public domain.
-That'll teach 'em.
|-I'm not kidding.
Go knock 'em dead.
Jeremy -Right here.
|-Would you follow me, please? What's up? I hold here in my hand|a tape of last night's show.
I will put it in the VCR, We shall fast-forward|to the portions where I flinch, and you will see in the tape|that there is a fly.
I don't think|this is really necessary.
You will bear witness.
|You will bear witness, and you will tell everyone|that I'm not crazy.
-I don't think anyone|thinks you're crazy.
|-I think they do.
-I'm sure you're wrong.
|-Well, it feels like everyone|thinks I'm crazy.
I have a lot of experience|with that feeling.
-Yeah, I'm sure you do.
|-Yes.
Okay, right here --|right when we come back|to this scene -- you're gonna see clear as can be|that there is a fly|right here.
Where the hell's the fly? Well, why don't I just tell|everybody that I saw the fly? -Look, this isn't in my head.
|-Of course it's not.
-No, seriously.
|-I know.
There's a fly in there.
Maybe he only makes himself|visible to you.
Maybe he only makes himself|visible to me? Like the rabbit in "Harvey.
" -No, no, this isn't like|the rabbit in "Harvey.
"|-Of course it's not.
-No, seriously.
|-No, I know.
-Jeremy --|-I'm just saying|whether it's there or not you're making me believe|it's there.
-It's there.
|-I believe it.
Good.
-Can I say something?|-Yeah.
-Can I speak candidly|for a moment?|-That's fine.
'Cause I'm the new guy here,|and I don't want to overstep|my bounds.
-You're not.
|-I'm not overstepping|my bounds? Your bounds are fine.
|Don't worry about your bounds.
It just seems to me,|what with kicking fire hydrants and your on-air hallucinations, that you've gotten your head|turned around pretty good.
I'm not having hallucinations.
The fire hydrant got in my way,|and there's nothing wrong|with my head.
-Good.
|-I'm not obsessing about Dana.
-Dana?|-Yeah.
Dana's my friend, Jeremy.
|She's been my friend|for 15 years.
-Oh, that?|-Yeah.
Oh, as far as Vermont|is concerned, it is my understanding|that the weekend is almost entirely about sex.
Well, that makes me feel,|God, so much better.
Sure.
I-I'm not interested|in Dana.
I-I don't care|about her weekend plans.
-Right.
|-No, seriously.
Call me if you find the fly.
You know, Landingham's|getting dumped.
It's either gonna be|Biselli or -- Oh, the guy from lowa state.
-Kitner.
|-Yeah.
|-It's not gonna be Kitner.
It's gonna be Biselli,|but either way, it's time|to get this on the air.
-You have sources?|-We have a healthy hunch.
-You have sources?|-Not for attribution.
Get someone|to go on the record.
That's when we'll get it|on the air.
No one understands the value|of a healthy hunch.
Our lawyers understand|the value of a healthy hunch.
It's $400 an hour|plus court costs.
Get someone|to go on the record.
Now, what do we know|about the phantom fly? It's not a phantom.
Fine.
-It's not a phantom fly.
|It's a real fly.
|-We believe you.
I'm like Tippi Hedren|in there.
Nonetheless, the flinching -- -Like a tic.
|-It's a flinch.
Listen to me.
There is a fly|in the studio, and this is not|a normal-sized fly.
It's a jumbo fly.
It has made a habit now|of flying into my monitors|at a great velocity.
You would think|that at this velocity|it would blow apart on impact, but apparently this fly has|some sort of protective coating that allows it|to come right back at me.
-Protective coating?|-Yes.
Does the fly have|any other special powers? No.
Well, Jeremy thinks|it might have some sort|of stealth capability.
Dana? We'll brush the studio.
That's all.
|Final rundown's at 10:00.
-Hey, Isaac, you got a second?|-What's going on? I got the|intellectual-property cops|crawling up my butt.
-The intellectual-property|cops|-Yeah.
are crawling up your butt? The heat's all over me.
What the hell|are you talking about, Dan? I sang "Happy Birthday"|to Casey on the air.
When? Wellon his birthday,|Isaac.
Oh, sure.
The network's being charged|$2,500 by the copyright holder.
Someone holds the copyright|to "Happy Birthday"? The representatives|of Patty and Mildred Hill.
-Took two people|to write that song?|-Go figure.
The important thing is|I'm putting together a list of songs|in the public domain, and I'm asking each person|to pick a song they'd like to have sung|to them on their birthday.
Why are you talking to me? For you, I've boiled it down|to two choices -- "Jammo, Jammo"|by Giuseppe Verdi or "Yo-Ho-Ho,|And a Bottle of Rum!" Are you on any medication|right now? I'm gonna go|with the Verdi.
If you freeze-frame|this shot here -- right -- and lose the Pepsi sign, you spot-shadow|the right inside linebacker, then cut back to movement|on the whole field.
That works.
Jeremy,|Dana's got me thinking.
When was the last time|you had a good idea? -It was right then.
|-That's not what I mean.
-It was a good idea.
|-I was talking|on a grander scale.
-I see.
|-I mean, a good idea|on the grand scale|of human experience.
-Yes.
|-When was the last time|you had one? -A good idea on the grand|scale of human experience?|-Yes.
You understand I'm|saying we spot-shadow|the inside linebacker? -Yes.
|-That doesn't count? I feel like a freeloader|sometimes, leaving the good ideas|up to other people.
I feel like I'm|standing on the shoulders of generations past.
-Do you know what I mean?|-Yes.
-Really?|-My grandfather|invented the clipboard.
-Did he?|-Well, he didn't invent it, but he always used to complain|that he didn't have|a portable writing surface.
-I don't think|you're getting it.
|-Yeah, I don't think so.
I am certain|beyond any doubt that if Dana and Casey|got together as a couple, they would both be very happy.
|I think that's a good idea.
-It's a virtuous idea.
|-You don't think|it's a good idea? -Well, I'm not|really one to --|-Tell me what you think! -It's a bad idea.
|-Look who's talking.
You want to spot-shadow|the outside linebacker.
-lnside linebacker!|-They are meant|for each other! -The inside|and outside linebacker?|-I meant Dana and Casey.
I think the inside|and outside linebacker|have a better chance.
add it all up, and|it's what the old folks call|a triple-double.
It's what the Germans call|a dreifach verdoppeln.
In Japanese,|it's toripuru daburu, and it's rawa engwa eu for those of you who speak|the ancient language|of Acadian.
You're watching "Sports Night"|on CSC, so stick around.
-We're out.
|-60 seconds back.
The ancient language|of Acadian? That was me.
Hey, Dana,|I was seeing you got|a birthday coming up, and I was wondering|how you'd feel about|"Oh! Dem Golden Slippers!" Just go with it.
Yeah, that's fine.
By the way, you know what|you got me for my birthday? A box of Mallomars.
-You like Mallomars.
|-I love Mallomars,|but these weren't|$2,500 Mallomars.
-They were good Mallomars.
|-They were fine Mallomars.
All I'm saying is you|could have had the four|remaining Spice Girls serve them to me in hot pants --|I still say I got gypped.
-How's your ankle?|-Broken.
You know what? "Frère Jacques" for you|on your birthday next year.
One chorus.
In 32 That's all for this edition|of "Sports Night.
" Tune in on Monday night,|and we'll have the NFL, the NBA, and all the college ball|you can handle.
I'm Dan Rydell.
For Casey McCall|and everyone here at CSC,|thanks for joining us.
Have a good weekend.
Vermont! Gordon just called from his car.
|He's downstairs.
I'm on my way.
|I am on my way to Vermont.
Five hours from now,|I shall be in Vermont.
Do you know what I'm doing|right now? -Going to Vermont?|-That's right.
-Dana's leaving.
|Go say goodbye.
|-I have things to do.
-What do you have to do?|-I have to take off|my earpiece.
Ow! The Green Mountain state.
|Maple Syrup.
Want me to bring you back|some maple Syrup, Chris? -I've got maple syrup.
|-I need maple syrup.
-Maple syrup for Will.
|-Oh, no, wait.
|I've got maple syrup.
No maple syrup for Will.
-Good night.
|-Good night, guys.
-Good night.
|-Good night.
Good night.
|Have a good weekend.
-I will.
|-|Yeah, I bet you will.
-What was that?|-I said I bet you will.
-You bet I will?|-Yeah.
What does that mean? Well, it means that if|someone were to offer money against the possibility of|your having a good time|this weekend, I would take that action.
I'm gonna have a good time|this weekend.
-I bet you will.
|-Stop saying that! Dana, I want you to go|to Vermont.
I want you to have a good time.
|I'm all for it.
Really, I am, except|for this -- I don't|think you should go.
Don't do this.
-Who's Gordon?|-Gordon's my friend.
He's nothing|anyone needs to worry about.
Aztec Two-Step, "Turandot"? Have you been following me? -No.
|-Have you? I have not been following you.
|I'm not 10 years old.
I looked at the calendar|on your desk.
I can'tbelieve Saturday the 2nd, Aztec Two-Step|at the Bottom Line with Gordon.
Sunday the 10th,|"Turandot" with Gordon|at Lincoln Center.
And I'm assuming, although|your modifier was dangling, that you're going with Gordon|to see "Turandot," you're not going to see Gordon|in "Turandot.
" -Yes, that's right.
|-So? So knock it off.
-Knock what off?|-This.
This.
Knock it off.
|You've been doing it to me|since college, and we're not doing it|anymore.
We're not doing what anymore? Every time your life starts|to spin out of control,|you come after me, and you make me feel|like you feel a certain way when you really don't.
You did it in college, you did it in Dallas,|you did it in L.
A.
, and you're doing it now.
I don't think you're cute,|I don't think you're funny, I don't think you're smart, and sometimes I don't think|you're very nice.
You don't think I'm funny? I'm leaving now.
I apologize for nothing.
Well, that's not true.
|I apologize for some things, but not a lot of things -- a few things,|several things.
I apologize|for about half the things.
-Good night.
|-W-What do you want from me? -I married Lisa.
|-Yes, you did.
-Well, now|I'm not married to Lisa.
|-Lisa was a friend of mine.
-Lisa can't stand you.
|-Lisa can't stand you.
Lisa can't stand Lisa.
Whatever the case, your life is changing faster|than you can manage.
You're depressed,|you're angry, you're lonely,|and you're frightened, but, God, everything|will be fine if I could|just see Dana naked.
Oh, Dana, believe me, I have|no desire to see you naked.
Excuse me?! -That came out wrong.
|-Make it come out right.
-Look, of course|I want to see you naked.
|-Louder.
I want to see you naked.
|-I can't hear you.
I want badly|to see you naked! Yeah, you better want|to see me naked! Look, you know what I do when my life is starting|to spin out of control? I buy a new lamp.
Every time I'm starting|to lose it just a little,|I buy a lamp.
Well, you must have|one well-lit apartment, 'cause, lady, you turned|a corner somewhere.
I'm not the one being hunted|by an imaginary insect! A fly isn't an insect.
Of course it's an insect.
-Well, what is it|that isn't an insect?|-A spider.
-That's right.
|-So, while I appreciate|the attention, you and I know|that it's not about me, it's about you being|a lunatic! Look, Dana, you seem to be|under the impression -I'm harboring|some kind of love for you.
|-No! You're under that impression, but I know that it's in|your head, just like the fly! "A" -- I am not feeling|what you think I'm feeling.
"B" -- If I were feeling|what you think I'm feeling, it wouldn't be in my head.
And "C" -- You have|serious feelings for me that only now are you|being forced to confront and that will likely send you|into a lamp-buying frenzy.
Okay, let's review this.
|I don't think you quite|have this.
I have utterly no feelings|for you whatsoever! You are monumentally|interested in me, only you're not,|'cause it's all in your head! -Like the fly?|-Like the fly! Okay, so just to sum up,|you're critically deranged! You know what I'm taking|with me to Vermont?! A team of world-class|psychiatrists?! Black lingerie -- lots of it! I'm gonna have a good time! I bet you will! Knock it off! You know|what I'm talking about, and it is not fair to me.
It's not good for you it's not good for me,|and it's not good|for the show, so knock it off.
-Dana?!|-Hey, sweetie.
Oh.
Hey, I was waiting|downstairs.
I thought something|might be wrong.
No, sorry.
|I was just tying up|some loose ends.
Well, that was worth|waiting for.
Hey, Gordon.
|Casey McCall.
Hey, great to meet you.
|I'm a big fan.
You guys are gonna get|about 8 to 10 inches of new powder up at Sugarbush.
|I checked the wire for you.
Hey, cool.
Thanks.
Yeah.
No problem.
|Have a great weekend.
All right.
Soare you ready to go? Yeah.
I, uh, left my bags|by the elevators.
Son of a gun.