Staged (2020) s01e04 Episode Script
Bara Brith
Have the photos come through?
They have.
Some.
Simon says we have to pick three.
Uh, 2089.
- I'm not in 2089.
- Oh, are you not?
You know I'm not.
- Hadn't noticed.
- Needs to have both of us in it.
Where were you for 2089?
I don't know. Choosing
a new shirt, I think.
- You chose that shirt?
- Yeah, you were rude about it then.
You don't get to be rude about it now.
- Oh, was I rude about it?
- Yeah, you rude about it, yeah.
- What did I say?
- You said I looked like a J-cloth.
Ah.
Is that make-up, too?
Yes, a little foundation, maybe.
You look pox-ridden.
Why do you do that thing
with your mouth?
- What thing?
- You know, you make it
sort of sort of flat,
just like a
like a line straight across you.
Like a Muppet, you know?
I don't do that.
Yeah, I'm looking at
20 different photos of you.
I cannot see your teeth in one of them.
I can't see your teeth
in any of these either!
Yeah, but I have a twinkle in my eyes.
My eyes twinkle!
No, your eyes tire.
- Tire?
- Like a low-impact Gorgon.
Fuck you.
Portals onto a barren
- Oh, Jesus.
- parched, arid landscape.
I have said sorry!
And I have accepted your
Well, it doesn't look like it!
Have you rehearsed any of it yet?
Yes, of course.
- How much of it?
- It's difficult to quantify.
Give me a page number.
We've been starting from
a more conceptual place.
- What does that mean?
- Well, it's part of my process. Um
We've begun with a sort
of freewheeling discussion
about the play, its themes,
its inner workings
and what it might say
to a 21st century audience.
You haven't done anything, have you?
- Not a thing.
- Right.
In my defence, the business
with Sam threw us off the rails.
Well, that was the business
you failed to handle.
- David said he would deal with it.
- And did he?
- Not really, no.
- No. Did he make it worse?
- Yes.
- All right.
- So, where are we?
- Well, Sam's handled.
He doesn't want to have anything
to do with us or the play any more,
which is good.
David and Michael are
- angry.
- With you?
Mostly with each other.
All right, Simon. I know
this means a lot to you.
Yes, it does.
Yeah, it's
It's a really big opportunity.
Yes, it is.
And you promised me
that you were up to it, so
Are you?
- Yeah.
- Then make some fucking progress!
Make some fucking progress!
Do something, will you, please?
Please!
All right. Sorry.
It's just, you know, it's fine.
It's fine, what you're doing.
Anybody could do it, really.
I I just expected a little bit
more of you, that's all.
Me, too.
Well, you know, there's no need to
I don't need somebody hanging
their head in shame,
I just need somebody to do something
for me, all right?
Otherwise, what's the point?
What's the point of you, really?
- It's a good question.
- Yeah.
Well
All right. Well, I think this has
been constructive, so
- Yeah?
- Yep.
Yeah.
Thanks for your time.
Oh, Christ.
- Janine!
- What?
I'm done here.
All sorted?
Nope, nightmare. Fucking nightmare.
You should have furloughed him!
Jo is going to drop in on
our session this afternoon.
Why?
- Uh, checking on progress.
- There's been progress?
- Plenty.
- We haven't read anything yet.
- That's deliberate.
- Why is that?
We've been, um, operating from
a more conceptual space.
Is Jo worried?
- I think she just feels left out.
- Left out?
Yeah, shall we have
a look at page, um
Page ten?
From, um
"We do not have time for insanity."
- Sure.
- Yep.
Whenever you're ready.
Michael.
Uh. "We do not have
the time for insanity."
"Life is crammed with insanity."
"What the hell do you mean?"
"Your craft should be considered
a breeding ground for madness,
"rendering falsity as truth."
Are you going to do it like that?
Like what?
- Arch.
- Can we just carry on, actually?
Michael, it's with you.
"A profession of madmen"
"You think this is a profession
of madmen?"
"I think that is your mission.
Give life to fantastic characters."
I'll read the stepdaughter.
"Believe me, we are some of the
most interesting characters."
"Yes. And we, who have had
the luck to be born as characters,
"can laugh even at death."
Can I just pause for a second?
I've got a quick question about tone.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- So, this dialogue is heightened.
- Yeah.
- Mm-mm.
- Yeah.
My impulse is to take the heat off it.
Try it as natural as possible.
Try and make it sound real.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And David seems to be going
in a different direction.
- Can we just read on?
- Sure.
Yeah, we can just save
questions like that until the end.
Yeah, I would like that.
"Because we have the fortune to exist
"in a fantasy which nourishes
us forever."
- "So, what do you want here?"
- "Not just to live, but to be heard."
Michael, that That's you.
I'll just do it, shall I? Um
"So, what do you want here?"
- "Not just to live, but to be heard."
- "Forever?"
"For however long I have,
I want to be heard."
Are you done for the day,
Michael, are you?
- For now, yeah.
- I'll do both sides, shall I?
Why's that?
- "How can I help?"
- Why's that?
You guys can just listen.
"I want to tell our story."
- I'm having trouble with the words.
- Well, just try reading them.
No, your words.
We can discuss all these questions
at the end. That's what it's there for.
- What's wrong with my words?
- I'm struggling to believe them.
- There's a lot going on.
- A lot going on?
- OK.
- Would you try something for me?
Oh, sure. Happy to, yeah.
Is that OK, Simon?
I'd rather we just pushed on, actually.
Won't take a sec. Just give me
"I want to be heard" again.
- "I want to be heard."
- Simon?
I thought that was great.
- You don't think he sounds cartoonish?
- Cartoonish?
- I've thought it for a while now.
- Absolutely not. No, I don't.
It's why Georgia hasn't asked you
- to do the audiobook for her novel.
- What?
- I'm guessing.
- She sold her book?
David, it's with you.
"I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard."
- Please, can we carry on?
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard!"
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard!"
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard!"
- "I want to be heard."
But I I want to be heard,
so I'm trying to be heard!
Just It's simple.
"I want to be heard."
"I want to be heard!" It's got
to have something behind it.
No, it's got to come from somewhere.
Just because you're mumbling
doesn't make it good.
I speak the same language
as you. You don't have to
You're barely speaking, though.
- You're basically whispering it.
- "I want to be heard."
Let's pretend we're all human beings
Yeah, who have ears
that need to receive the vibrations.
It's not a hearing thing.
It's sort of a feeling thing.
You know, what I'm doing makes sense.
And what you're doing
is a sort of weird
It might sound weird to you
because you won't be used to
hearing that coming out of yourself.
It's so affected,
if you don't mind me saying.
"I want to be heard."
Isn't it interesting, Simon,
that if you spend a career
speaking in such a stilted
sort of artificial way,
then hearing something that's
truthful can sound affected to you?
"I want to be heard."
It's I mean, yeah.
Maybe for Theatr Clwyd.
I don't know.
- No, no, I'm just
- We'll do it all your way.
I'm just doing it
exactly how you want to do it.
- "Ooh, listen to me!"
- At least I can hear that!
At least I can hear that. Simon. Simon.
Simon.
I mean
Yeah, it's all completely normal,
you just need to stay relaxed
and keep breathing, OK?
- It's all going to be fine. I promise.
- Georgia?
That's it. In
- Georgia.
- Out
You busy?
Yeah, a little bit, yeah.
Do I sound cartoonish to you?
- What?
- Cartoonish.
- No.
- You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah. That's it.
Deep breath in.
Michael doesn't think
I make it sound real.
Deep breath out. What?
- The play.
- What, is he still angry at you?
I've apologised.
OK, what did Simon say?
He was busy reading the other parts.
Why was he reading the other parts?
Michael and I were having
a discussion about tone.
Yes, sorry, I'm still here.
- How far apart are they now?
- We're doing a bit for Jo later.
- How long?
- Not long, I wouldn't have thought.
Oh, you're on that Sorry.
Yeah. OK. I'll phone them now.
All right. Hold on one sec.
Babe, can I borrow your phone?
When are you talking to Jo?
- In about an hour.
- OK. Well, you know,
she's got taste and all the money.
So why don't you see what she says?
Yeah, hi. I'm phoning on behalf of
Victoria Kay. She's gone into labour
and said you'd be able
to take her to hospital.
- Might do a bit of writing.
- Yeah, that's That's a great idea!
Got a really good idea for this scene
where a Scottish hero takes
a shit on a Welsh twat's head.
That sounds promising.
Yeah, that's the one.
- Did you sell your novel?
- 233.
- OK.
- Georgia.
- All right.
- Did you sell your novel?
Yes, I did.
Why would you not
have told me about that?
I didn't know how you'd react.
I'd have been really
fucking nice about it!
You don't seem to be being
fucking nice about it.
I'd just like to point out that's
exactly why I didn't tell you. OK?
- OK, I have to go now.
- Where are you going?
Vicky's gone into labour.
I need to go and help her.
And you're going to have to stay here.
Are you going to be OK meeting Jo?
Yes.
Looking after the kids, cooking
them dinner and getting them to bed?
- I can manage all that.
- Yeah?
How long are you going to be?
I won't be back till tomorrow.
Oh, fine!
Beep-beep.
- See, that's Road Runner.
- I know.
That's cartoonish.
I can do it when I choose to do it.
Yep.
Go on. Go and do the deed,
Florence Nightingale.
Simon tells me things have become
a little bit tense between you?
No.
- Where is Simon?
- Well, I'm hosting the meeting,
- and I'm not letting him in.
- OK.
Um, we said we were going to read
some of the play for you today.
If you're ready to read.
- Sure.
- Easy peasy.
Did Simon say that we haven't
actually spent
- a lot of time on the actual text?
- No?
Yeah, no,
we've been operating from
a more conceptual place.
- Is that you on that mug?
- No.
How serious is this?
You don't need to put your hand up.
Michael's being insufferable.
- OK.
- Oh!
Let's try and be a bit more
constructive.
No, you don't have to put your hand up.
Well, do you think
that I sound cartoonish?
- No.
- Right. Well, because Michael's upset,
he started throwing around
some very unhelpful phrases.
Well, why is Michael upset?
Well, Michael is upset, Jo,
because he didn't realise
that he was second choice for the role,
which cos apparently,
that has never happened
in the history of theatre ever.
We really don't need to keep
raising our hands, so
Michael.
It is true that I have never
been the second choice before.
Sorry, is that? That's
That's literally your
complete point, is it?
I'd like it noted.
I mean, do you see what
I'm having to work with?
Is that why you're upset, Michael?
No, no, I'm upset because David
and Simon are fucking liars.
All right. I admit it was handled badly.
Yes. David?
Yes, I will absolutely hold my hands up
that I did hold some stuff back.
The reason I did that is because
of my experience of Michael.
I knew that at this time, he would
become overly sensitive.
- Oh, fuck! Come on!
- I didn't want to hold things up.
- No, no. Let's not play the blame game!
- We had limited time!
Let's not start doing that.
- Start doing what?
- Pointing fucking fingers!
You scotty! That is you
on that fucking mug!
Oh, what? Oh, this mug?
This mug here? This one here?
Yeah. Look at that!
Look at that!
You narcissistic Scottish man boy child.
Fill this mug full of your tears
and make you drink them!
Na-na-na-na.
Let's just all take a step back.
Yeah.
- That wasn't nice.
- Look, Jo.
Yeah?
You know as well as I do that I add
"con-creet" value to any project
- that I'm a part of.
- Sorry, you add "con-creet" value?
- That's what I said.
- "Con-creet" value?
Is that the same as concrete value?
- I said concrete.
- No, you said "con-creet."
- I know what I said.
- You said "con-creet".
It's funny, because I thought
you were classically trained.
I thought you'd know, you know,
where to put the "em-fasis"
on a word, but apparently not.
I bring gravitas,
which is very important.
- I bring charm
- All right.
- Which is more important.
- Mm!
No-one is doubting what either of
you bring to the party. All right?
I just want to get this resolved.
The play is a classic.
You are both exceptional.
And Simon, he really knows
what he's doing, he does.
We have a chance here
to come out of all of this
with something really special.
If we can just resolve Can we
resolve this, please, David?
- Yeah.
- Yes. Thank you.
Yes. Michael?
Sorry, I just You know,
I just want to make sure
- that I don't get oversensitive.
- Oh! Such bullshit!
See, see!
- David needs to calm down, too.
- Oh, yeah, do I?
Cos when I get overemotional,
I start to sound cartoonish, don't I?
Oh, I've heard that
about you as well, yeah.
Fuck it! I wrote a scene
today about me taking a shit
on your big fucking Welsh, hairy head.
Yeah, well you've
Oh, sh
I've got to go. Sorry. I'll be back.
I've just got to drop some
shopping off for my neighbour.
Oh, that's kind. Isn't it?
That's kind of him, David?
No. She's blackmailing him.
Right. Why?
- Because he's a lush.
- She's harmless, OK?
And she's alone.
- Does she have any family?
- Her children are stuck in Cardiff.
It's no trouble. I just pick up
the shopping,
I drop it around at four, I ring
the doorbell, out she pops.
We say "hello" and "hello".
And that's the end of it.
I did it yesterday and she made me
a Bara brith to say thank you.
Oh, so it's a symbiotic
relationship, then.
What's a Bara brith, Michael?
Um, it's a Welsh fruitcake.
Takes one to know one!
Don't. Don't.
What are you dropping off to her today?
Um
Mixed fruit, sugar, tea,
mixed spice, flour and eggs.
What's she making you today?
It's another Bara brith, isn't it?
All right. Hang on.
- Is Simon up to this?
- He's terrified of you both.
Why?
Cos you're behaving
like twats. You're twats.
Yeah. I mean, it'll be fine.
We went through half a dozen
of these in Good Omens.
How did you resolve it then?
- Battleships.
- Battleships?
Mm.
With a pen and a paper and a grid
with the? Hit and miss and?
Yeah. Yeah.
You're back.
Just telling Jo about Battleships.
Oh, yeah.
You all right?
She didn't answer the door.
I think the world would
be a much better place
if more problems
were resolved like this.
E4.
Ooh. Miss.
Well, it's certainly helped us
over the years, hasn't it?
Do you think it's game-specific?
- We can try something else if you want?
- Like what?
- Twister.
- It's too sexual.
B2.
Is a miss.
- Chess?
- Nah, it's too complex.
- Snakes and ladders?
- Oh, now, you're talking!
Yeah.
- Uh, D2.
- Hit!
- Oh!
- Oh!
A very palpable hit!
I'm sorry I let the cat out of
the bag about Georgia's novel.
- It's all right.
- B3?
- Is a miss.
- And that I said you were cartoonish.
- That wasn't fair.
- Well, I mean, it's not so bad
cos I am, after all,
the voice of Scrooge McDuck.
Is that?
- What? The voice of Scrooge McDuck?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Who's that, then?
I I have no idea.
That's like nothing I've ever heard.
Um, D3.
You sunk my
I'll do it as Mickey Mouse.
You've sunk my battleship!
Victory is mine!
Does this victory
mean we get to re-explore
the composition of our credits?
You can have it.
She'll be fine.
Michael, she'll be fine.
They have.
Some.
Simon says we have to pick three.
Uh, 2089.
- I'm not in 2089.
- Oh, are you not?
You know I'm not.
- Hadn't noticed.
- Needs to have both of us in it.
Where were you for 2089?
I don't know. Choosing
a new shirt, I think.
- You chose that shirt?
- Yeah, you were rude about it then.
You don't get to be rude about it now.
- Oh, was I rude about it?
- Yeah, you rude about it, yeah.
- What did I say?
- You said I looked like a J-cloth.
Ah.
Is that make-up, too?
Yes, a little foundation, maybe.
You look pox-ridden.
Why do you do that thing
with your mouth?
- What thing?
- You know, you make it
sort of sort of flat,
just like a
like a line straight across you.
Like a Muppet, you know?
I don't do that.
Yeah, I'm looking at
20 different photos of you.
I cannot see your teeth in one of them.
I can't see your teeth
in any of these either!
Yeah, but I have a twinkle in my eyes.
My eyes twinkle!
No, your eyes tire.
- Tire?
- Like a low-impact Gorgon.
Fuck you.
Portals onto a barren
- Oh, Jesus.
- parched, arid landscape.
I have said sorry!
And I have accepted your
Well, it doesn't look like it!
Have you rehearsed any of it yet?
Yes, of course.
- How much of it?
- It's difficult to quantify.
Give me a page number.
We've been starting from
a more conceptual place.
- What does that mean?
- Well, it's part of my process. Um
We've begun with a sort
of freewheeling discussion
about the play, its themes,
its inner workings
and what it might say
to a 21st century audience.
You haven't done anything, have you?
- Not a thing.
- Right.
In my defence, the business
with Sam threw us off the rails.
Well, that was the business
you failed to handle.
- David said he would deal with it.
- And did he?
- Not really, no.
- No. Did he make it worse?
- Yes.
- All right.
- So, where are we?
- Well, Sam's handled.
He doesn't want to have anything
to do with us or the play any more,
which is good.
David and Michael are
- angry.
- With you?
Mostly with each other.
All right, Simon. I know
this means a lot to you.
Yes, it does.
Yeah, it's
It's a really big opportunity.
Yes, it is.
And you promised me
that you were up to it, so
Are you?
- Yeah.
- Then make some fucking progress!
Make some fucking progress!
Do something, will you, please?
Please!
All right. Sorry.
It's just, you know, it's fine.
It's fine, what you're doing.
Anybody could do it, really.
I I just expected a little bit
more of you, that's all.
Me, too.
Well, you know, there's no need to
I don't need somebody hanging
their head in shame,
I just need somebody to do something
for me, all right?
Otherwise, what's the point?
What's the point of you, really?
- It's a good question.
- Yeah.
Well
All right. Well, I think this has
been constructive, so
- Yeah?
- Yep.
Yeah.
Thanks for your time.
Oh, Christ.
- Janine!
- What?
I'm done here.
All sorted?
Nope, nightmare. Fucking nightmare.
You should have furloughed him!
Jo is going to drop in on
our session this afternoon.
Why?
- Uh, checking on progress.
- There's been progress?
- Plenty.
- We haven't read anything yet.
- That's deliberate.
- Why is that?
We've been, um, operating from
a more conceptual space.
Is Jo worried?
- I think she just feels left out.
- Left out?
Yeah, shall we have
a look at page, um
Page ten?
From, um
"We do not have time for insanity."
- Sure.
- Yep.
Whenever you're ready.
Michael.
Uh. "We do not have
the time for insanity."
"Life is crammed with insanity."
"What the hell do you mean?"
"Your craft should be considered
a breeding ground for madness,
"rendering falsity as truth."
Are you going to do it like that?
Like what?
- Arch.
- Can we just carry on, actually?
Michael, it's with you.
"A profession of madmen"
"You think this is a profession
of madmen?"
"I think that is your mission.
Give life to fantastic characters."
I'll read the stepdaughter.
"Believe me, we are some of the
most interesting characters."
"Yes. And we, who have had
the luck to be born as characters,
"can laugh even at death."
Can I just pause for a second?
I've got a quick question about tone.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- So, this dialogue is heightened.
- Yeah.
- Mm-mm.
- Yeah.
My impulse is to take the heat off it.
Try it as natural as possible.
Try and make it sound real.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And David seems to be going
in a different direction.
- Can we just read on?
- Sure.
Yeah, we can just save
questions like that until the end.
Yeah, I would like that.
"Because we have the fortune to exist
"in a fantasy which nourishes
us forever."
- "So, what do you want here?"
- "Not just to live, but to be heard."
Michael, that That's you.
I'll just do it, shall I? Um
"So, what do you want here?"
- "Not just to live, but to be heard."
- "Forever?"
"For however long I have,
I want to be heard."
Are you done for the day,
Michael, are you?
- For now, yeah.
- I'll do both sides, shall I?
Why's that?
- "How can I help?"
- Why's that?
You guys can just listen.
"I want to tell our story."
- I'm having trouble with the words.
- Well, just try reading them.
No, your words.
We can discuss all these questions
at the end. That's what it's there for.
- What's wrong with my words?
- I'm struggling to believe them.
- There's a lot going on.
- A lot going on?
- OK.
- Would you try something for me?
Oh, sure. Happy to, yeah.
Is that OK, Simon?
I'd rather we just pushed on, actually.
Won't take a sec. Just give me
"I want to be heard" again.
- "I want to be heard."
- Simon?
I thought that was great.
- You don't think he sounds cartoonish?
- Cartoonish?
- I've thought it for a while now.
- Absolutely not. No, I don't.
It's why Georgia hasn't asked you
- to do the audiobook for her novel.
- What?
- I'm guessing.
- She sold her book?
David, it's with you.
"I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard."
- Please, can we carry on?
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard!"
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard!"
- "I want to be heard."
- "I want to be heard!"
- "I want to be heard."
But I I want to be heard,
so I'm trying to be heard!
Just It's simple.
"I want to be heard."
"I want to be heard!" It's got
to have something behind it.
No, it's got to come from somewhere.
Just because you're mumbling
doesn't make it good.
I speak the same language
as you. You don't have to
You're barely speaking, though.
- You're basically whispering it.
- "I want to be heard."
Let's pretend we're all human beings
Yeah, who have ears
that need to receive the vibrations.
It's not a hearing thing.
It's sort of a feeling thing.
You know, what I'm doing makes sense.
And what you're doing
is a sort of weird
It might sound weird to you
because you won't be used to
hearing that coming out of yourself.
It's so affected,
if you don't mind me saying.
"I want to be heard."
Isn't it interesting, Simon,
that if you spend a career
speaking in such a stilted
sort of artificial way,
then hearing something that's
truthful can sound affected to you?
"I want to be heard."
It's I mean, yeah.
Maybe for Theatr Clwyd.
I don't know.
- No, no, I'm just
- We'll do it all your way.
I'm just doing it
exactly how you want to do it.
- "Ooh, listen to me!"
- At least I can hear that!
At least I can hear that. Simon. Simon.
Simon.
I mean
Yeah, it's all completely normal,
you just need to stay relaxed
and keep breathing, OK?
- It's all going to be fine. I promise.
- Georgia?
That's it. In
- Georgia.
- Out
You busy?
Yeah, a little bit, yeah.
Do I sound cartoonish to you?
- What?
- Cartoonish.
- No.
- You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah. That's it.
Deep breath in.
Michael doesn't think
I make it sound real.
Deep breath out. What?
- The play.
- What, is he still angry at you?
I've apologised.
OK, what did Simon say?
He was busy reading the other parts.
Why was he reading the other parts?
Michael and I were having
a discussion about tone.
Yes, sorry, I'm still here.
- How far apart are they now?
- We're doing a bit for Jo later.
- How long?
- Not long, I wouldn't have thought.
Oh, you're on that Sorry.
Yeah. OK. I'll phone them now.
All right. Hold on one sec.
Babe, can I borrow your phone?
When are you talking to Jo?
- In about an hour.
- OK. Well, you know,
she's got taste and all the money.
So why don't you see what she says?
Yeah, hi. I'm phoning on behalf of
Victoria Kay. She's gone into labour
and said you'd be able
to take her to hospital.
- Might do a bit of writing.
- Yeah, that's That's a great idea!
Got a really good idea for this scene
where a Scottish hero takes
a shit on a Welsh twat's head.
That sounds promising.
Yeah, that's the one.
- Did you sell your novel?
- 233.
- OK.
- Georgia.
- All right.
- Did you sell your novel?
Yes, I did.
Why would you not
have told me about that?
I didn't know how you'd react.
I'd have been really
fucking nice about it!
You don't seem to be being
fucking nice about it.
I'd just like to point out that's
exactly why I didn't tell you. OK?
- OK, I have to go now.
- Where are you going?
Vicky's gone into labour.
I need to go and help her.
And you're going to have to stay here.
Are you going to be OK meeting Jo?
Yes.
Looking after the kids, cooking
them dinner and getting them to bed?
- I can manage all that.
- Yeah?
How long are you going to be?
I won't be back till tomorrow.
Oh, fine!
Beep-beep.
- See, that's Road Runner.
- I know.
That's cartoonish.
I can do it when I choose to do it.
Yep.
Go on. Go and do the deed,
Florence Nightingale.
Simon tells me things have become
a little bit tense between you?
No.
- Where is Simon?
- Well, I'm hosting the meeting,
- and I'm not letting him in.
- OK.
Um, we said we were going to read
some of the play for you today.
If you're ready to read.
- Sure.
- Easy peasy.
Did Simon say that we haven't
actually spent
- a lot of time on the actual text?
- No?
Yeah, no,
we've been operating from
a more conceptual place.
- Is that you on that mug?
- No.
How serious is this?
You don't need to put your hand up.
Michael's being insufferable.
- OK.
- Oh!
Let's try and be a bit more
constructive.
No, you don't have to put your hand up.
Well, do you think
that I sound cartoonish?
- No.
- Right. Well, because Michael's upset,
he started throwing around
some very unhelpful phrases.
Well, why is Michael upset?
Well, Michael is upset, Jo,
because he didn't realise
that he was second choice for the role,
which cos apparently,
that has never happened
in the history of theatre ever.
We really don't need to keep
raising our hands, so
Michael.
It is true that I have never
been the second choice before.
Sorry, is that? That's
That's literally your
complete point, is it?
I'd like it noted.
I mean, do you see what
I'm having to work with?
Is that why you're upset, Michael?
No, no, I'm upset because David
and Simon are fucking liars.
All right. I admit it was handled badly.
Yes. David?
Yes, I will absolutely hold my hands up
that I did hold some stuff back.
The reason I did that is because
of my experience of Michael.
I knew that at this time, he would
become overly sensitive.
- Oh, fuck! Come on!
- I didn't want to hold things up.
- No, no. Let's not play the blame game!
- We had limited time!
Let's not start doing that.
- Start doing what?
- Pointing fucking fingers!
You scotty! That is you
on that fucking mug!
Oh, what? Oh, this mug?
This mug here? This one here?
Yeah. Look at that!
Look at that!
You narcissistic Scottish man boy child.
Fill this mug full of your tears
and make you drink them!
Na-na-na-na.
Let's just all take a step back.
Yeah.
- That wasn't nice.
- Look, Jo.
Yeah?
You know as well as I do that I add
"con-creet" value to any project
- that I'm a part of.
- Sorry, you add "con-creet" value?
- That's what I said.
- "Con-creet" value?
Is that the same as concrete value?
- I said concrete.
- No, you said "con-creet."
- I know what I said.
- You said "con-creet".
It's funny, because I thought
you were classically trained.
I thought you'd know, you know,
where to put the "em-fasis"
on a word, but apparently not.
I bring gravitas,
which is very important.
- I bring charm
- All right.
- Which is more important.
- Mm!
No-one is doubting what either of
you bring to the party. All right?
I just want to get this resolved.
The play is a classic.
You are both exceptional.
And Simon, he really knows
what he's doing, he does.
We have a chance here
to come out of all of this
with something really special.
If we can just resolve Can we
resolve this, please, David?
- Yeah.
- Yes. Thank you.
Yes. Michael?
Sorry, I just You know,
I just want to make sure
- that I don't get oversensitive.
- Oh! Such bullshit!
See, see!
- David needs to calm down, too.
- Oh, yeah, do I?
Cos when I get overemotional,
I start to sound cartoonish, don't I?
Oh, I've heard that
about you as well, yeah.
Fuck it! I wrote a scene
today about me taking a shit
on your big fucking Welsh, hairy head.
Yeah, well you've
Oh, sh
I've got to go. Sorry. I'll be back.
I've just got to drop some
shopping off for my neighbour.
Oh, that's kind. Isn't it?
That's kind of him, David?
No. She's blackmailing him.
Right. Why?
- Because he's a lush.
- She's harmless, OK?
And she's alone.
- Does she have any family?
- Her children are stuck in Cardiff.
It's no trouble. I just pick up
the shopping,
I drop it around at four, I ring
the doorbell, out she pops.
We say "hello" and "hello".
And that's the end of it.
I did it yesterday and she made me
a Bara brith to say thank you.
Oh, so it's a symbiotic
relationship, then.
What's a Bara brith, Michael?
Um, it's a Welsh fruitcake.
Takes one to know one!
Don't. Don't.
What are you dropping off to her today?
Um
Mixed fruit, sugar, tea,
mixed spice, flour and eggs.
What's she making you today?
It's another Bara brith, isn't it?
All right. Hang on.
- Is Simon up to this?
- He's terrified of you both.
Why?
Cos you're behaving
like twats. You're twats.
Yeah. I mean, it'll be fine.
We went through half a dozen
of these in Good Omens.
How did you resolve it then?
- Battleships.
- Battleships?
Mm.
With a pen and a paper and a grid
with the? Hit and miss and?
Yeah. Yeah.
You're back.
Just telling Jo about Battleships.
Oh, yeah.
You all right?
She didn't answer the door.
I think the world would
be a much better place
if more problems
were resolved like this.
E4.
Ooh. Miss.
Well, it's certainly helped us
over the years, hasn't it?
Do you think it's game-specific?
- We can try something else if you want?
- Like what?
- Twister.
- It's too sexual.
B2.
Is a miss.
- Chess?
- Nah, it's too complex.
- Snakes and ladders?
- Oh, now, you're talking!
Yeah.
- Uh, D2.
- Hit!
- Oh!
- Oh!
A very palpable hit!
I'm sorry I let the cat out of
the bag about Georgia's novel.
- It's all right.
- B3?
- Is a miss.
- And that I said you were cartoonish.
- That wasn't fair.
- Well, I mean, it's not so bad
cos I am, after all,
the voice of Scrooge McDuck.
Is that?
- What? The voice of Scrooge McDuck?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Who's that, then?
I I have no idea.
That's like nothing I've ever heard.
Um, D3.
You sunk my
I'll do it as Mickey Mouse.
You've sunk my battleship!
Victory is mine!
Does this victory
mean we get to re-explore
the composition of our credits?
You can have it.
She'll be fine.
Michael, she'll be fine.