Stark Raving Mad (2002) s01e04 Episode Script

-'Morning, everybody! -Hey.
Perfect timing.
The new pages are printing out right now.
-Are you sick? -Ah, just a cold.
Oh, no.
Bless you.
Bless you.
Would you please stop that? Fine.
See? It's creepy if no one says it! Do you have a head cold or chest thing? -Head, I guess.
-Okay, okay.
Sore throat? -Yeah, a little.
-Oh dear! Fever? Body aches? Yeah, I guess.
-I'm not taking that.
-It's not for you.
If you're exposed to a virus, you don't have much time to fight off infection.
Early action is key.
Good God, Henry! If you were in the Army, your own men would held you and dry-shave you! Camp "Men in Taca"! Good times! Wow, wow! Would you please maintain a 5-foot perimeter? What? You people never log on to the Male Clinic Website? Uninfected persons are advised to maintain a 5-foot perimeter from the patient.
They advise you to sit on the patient's furniture? Hey guys.
-I brought you some soup from downstairs.
-I thought we ordered chicken wings.
Wings are for when you're drunk.
-Soup is for when you're sick.
-Ah, that's what my mom used to say! Boy, she loved her wings! Careful, Maddie.
You want to maintain the minimum 5-foot perimeter.
-Why? -So you don't catch his cold.
That's a little heartless.
Didn't your mother ever comfort you when you were sick? Off course.
She was very loving.
She used to sing to me over the intercom.
Maddie, this is good stuff! Hey, can I get a bite? Careful, I wouldn't advise you to eat from the same spoon Okay.
You know what? I've got enough.
I'm gonna go and read these pages in a more hygienic setting.
Like the bathroom of a greyhound bus.
-The printer's jammed.
-Oh! I can fix that.
-Let me help you.
-I got fingernails, if you need them.
Back off, back off! All of you, right now! Or what? You're gonna moist us and soothe us to death? I don't want any trouble, ok? I just wanna get outta here healthy.
We can be your friends, Henry, but we can't make you healthy.
Careful.
careful.
I think he's crazy enough to use that thing! I'm sorry, I don't mean to be over the top about this, but I just can't afford to get sick now.
I'm swamped at work I'm supposed to go away for the weekend and once I get a cold it takes weeks for it to go away.
So you understand, right? It's a trick! No! I got it! I got it! -Here you go.
-Thanks.
S S t S t e S t e f S t e f a S t e f a N S t e f a N i S t e f a N i a Audrey.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna take off a little early.
An inconsiderate person gave me his cold and I'd like to spare the rest of the stuff.
Henry, if you're hangovered, just say so.
-No, it really is a cold.
-A cold! And that publishing convention that I went to in Switzerland had nothing to do with my perky new ass! Like you hadn't noticed! Can I go home now? I'll walk to the elevator with you.
I have a lunch date with Professor Huggles.
-Professor Huggles, the children's author? -Yes, we just signed him.
What a coo! While other publishers are lunching with Meyler and Dubdyke I'll be debating whether a toaster would actually say "I got bread in my head"! This is huge! How did you get him from the other House? Well, let's just say I waved something irresistible in front of him! Your perky new ass? No, a big advance check.
You have been watching! Whatever you paid, it was worth it.
Down, boy! No, no, no! For Professor Huggles! He was my favoriite as a kid.
The first book my mother read to me was "The Dog and The Frog Make Friends With The Hawk".
Nothing forges a bond, like reading to a child.
My son and his nanny still very close.
He's never forgiven me for firing her.
But what could I do? Audrey! Can I come along to lunch? I would love to meet the man who wrote "Ants and Friends wear Pants When they Dance".
Good.
Because I'd love to drink and drink, till I can't think! What are you doing? I'm trying to find my library card, so Professor Huggles can autograph it.
Henry, you're a publishing professional.
Free books! The whole idea makes my skin crawl! Here it comes.
Damn it! He brought that gulag of a wife! Phyllis! What a lovely surprise! Hello.
-Hello, Audrey! -Thomas.
I'd like you to meet my associate, Henry MacNeely.
Professor, what a profound honour! -Thank you, Henry! -I don't want to give you my cold.
But I want you to know what a tremendous hero you are to me.
I have admired your work since I was a kid.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Huggles.
It's Bleck.
Excuse me? My name is Phyllis Bleck.
Oh.
Forgive me, Mrs Bleck.
-So, Professor Huggles -He's Bleck like me.
Couldn't I just call you "Professor Huggles"? -It's fine, son.
Just fine.
-Okay.
Just don't say it very loud, or every brat in this restaurant will be jumping on his lap! Did you bring the advance check? Well, I thought we could celebrate the occasion, perhaps with a champagne.
Thomas can't drink champagne.
Makes me hiccup.
So how about that check? Yes.
Why cloud the moment with warmth and civility? -It's fun to hiccup! -Yes, it is! Here we are.
And, Thomas, may I say on behalf of the Woodman Press that I'm proud to welcome you to the family.
Thank you.
I know this is a business meeting but I just have to say that one of your books truly changed my life.
When I was a little kid, I was scared of the dark.
I was terrified until I read "Kyle the Kite Learns to Smile At the Night".
Kyle the Kite, yeah! "He feels very strong" -"As his tail was long".
-Good memory, son! To this day, whenever I'm scared of something like the handprints on the subway pole or RA halibut I just think of the last line of that story.
"So paste on a smile, like our friend Kyle" "the scared little kite riddled with fear".
Excuse me, pal! No service? "And you will find that frightful things are scared off" -"by good cheer".
-How wonderful! -A beautiful recitation! -It's been 20 years since I read that book and I have yet to find better words to live by.
What a stirring testament! Oh God, again with the hugs! You have brightened my day, Henry Macneely! Here.
Let's start with this.
-Hi, everybody.
-Shhh! -What? -He's got a thing for the News' Lady.
I love you, Linda Yamaguchi! Sorry, Jake, I think she's married.
-How do you know that? -Because she's not Asian! Still got that cold, Henry? Eight days and counting.
Thank you very much.
-Did you go to the doctor? -Yes, -Did you get a prescription? -Yes.
-Sleep with a vaporizer? -Yes.
This must have been the greatest week of your life! Finally, tonight, a sad note.
Renowned children's author, Thomas Bleck best known as Professor Huggles died today Oh my God! Yeah, I know! Yama-guchi, guchi, woo! was the author of 41 books including the international "Kyle the Kite learns to Smile at the Night".
Unbelievable! I just met him, last week! -Really? Was he sick? -No, not at all! Professor Huggles, age 76, died unexpectedly due to complications from a common cold.
That's all the news for now.
I'm Linda Yamaguchi, saying "Goodnight".
Well, Henry What? You didn't give Professor Huggles your cold, did you? No.
No, we had lunch together, that's all.
-But you had your cold.
-Yeah, but Did you maintain the 5-foot perimeter? Yes! I absolutely Except for the hug! -You hugged him?! -No, no! He hugged me! In case you haven't noticed, I don't go around hugging people! I'm protestant! You hugged the world's greatest children's author to death! I didn't kill anybody! You didn't use a gun or knife, but surely, sir, you took his life! Would you cut that out? If you hadn't let him get so near you he wouldn't have died from your bacteria! Please, Ian, would you show some respect? My childhood hero just died! No one's denied the man has died.
His death is surely beautified.
You must confide, he wouldn't have died, if you hadn't committed homicide.
Alright.
I've heard enough.
I'm leaving.
But still the children keep on graving grieving! -He seemed pretty upset.
-Yeah, he's a mess.
-What'd we ever do before we got him? -I don't know.
-Hey, Henry.
How are you doing? -Awful! -I need a drink.
-Anything in particular? I don't know.
I don't have a regular drink.
What would be a good drink for me? The blender is broken and we are out of bananas.
Just make it a scotch.
-Scotch? -Yeah, straight up! Okay.
Not so much, not so much! Henry, what's wrong? -I think I killed a guy.
-What?! I think I killed Professor Huggles.
I gave him a cold and it killed him.
Professor Huggles died? Oh, that's so sad! I knew it was contagious.
I shouldn't have gotten anywhere near him! Henry, you're being ridiculous.
No one is gonna blame you for that.
You killed Professor Huggles? What? No.
I-I-I- I just gave him a cold and And what? you sneezed on him? My little daughter reads those books.
I didn't sneeze on him.
We just hugged.
You had a cold and you hugged that sweet old man?! Haven't you ever heard of the 5-foot perimeter?! Yes! Are you kidding, I'm a huge proponent of the F.
F.
P.
! I've been known to give people six or seven feet! -Six or seven feet? -Sure.
That's funny! Hey guys, we got a comedian here! You can get really smart, don't you? Oh God, it's High school all over again! Kyle? Is that you? Come in, dear friend! No! No, Kyle! -Henry! -Sorry! I'm sorry! This is the third night in a raw you've waken me up screaming about Kyle! -Who is this Kyle, anyway? -I told you, he is a kite! Jennifer's boyfriend used to say "Robert" in his sleep.
And now, he sleeps with Robert! I'm sorry.
You know I've been under a lot of stress.
I'm gonna have to start sleeping at my place until you and that kite work this thing out.
Oh no.
My throat hurts.
I think you gave me that cold, too.
"Too?" -I didn't say "too.
" -Yes, you did! You said I gave you that cold, too.
You think I killed Professor Huggles! If I said "too", I meant that you gave me a cold in addition to your love and support and those books that you get for free and that you try to pass of as gifts.
-Tess, I -Please! You didn't kill that poor old man, okay? So not another word about this.
Kyle? Alright.
So -Frank gets halfway through Mexico -Right.
when, for some reason, he feels compelled to turn around and go back to the warehouse.
Why would he go back to the warehouse? Because he wants to get caught.
That's what killers do.
You know that, you're a killer.
That's very very funny.
I haven't slept in three nights, because We know, Henry.
You got beat up by a kite! -Kyle the Kite.
-Are you sure it was Kyle? Because I'd hate to see the wrong kite go to prison or worse.
Can I ever just have a real conversation with you? Obviously, the kite is a manifestation of my guilt and now it's haunting me.
Look I just hope this incident doesn't turn you against all wind toys.
I'm responsible for a man's death! You don't even know that Huggles caught your cold.
The timeline! Look at the timeline! Huggles died on a Tuesday.
He exhibited his first symptom on a Saturday.
Assuming a normal incubation period of 72 hours he would've caught the cold on a Wednesday precisely the day I hugged him! You see, this is totally irrational! Well, to you, maybe! But do you know what's irrational to me? That you don't feel any guilt about this, whatsoever.
-Me?! -Yeah, you gave me the cold in the first place! If you hadn't been so cavalry with your germs, none of this would have happened! So what are you saying, I killed him? You certainly played your part.
It's no one's fault.
It's life! A man has died.
And it's our fault.
If you wanna torture yourself, go ahead.
My conscience is clear.
Well, mine isn't.
You know what I'm gonna do? Tomorrow it's the funeral.
I'm gonna go there and I'm gonna tell Mrs Bleck what happened.
And see if she can find it in her ice cube of a heart to forgive me.
Mrs who? Mrs Huggles.
She's "Bleck".
I think the correct term is "African American.
" I'm coming.
I'm coming! Oh! You must be Kyle.
-Isn't it awful? -Yes, it's a terrible loss.
I'm telling you.
I'm never gonna get that advance check back! Audrey, this really isn't the day to be thinking about money.
Tell that to the widow Huggles.
She cashed the damn thing this morning! Today, at her husband's funeral? -Ian? What are you doing here? -Same as you.
I saw the kite! -It came to fest up.
-You saw the kite, too? First, don't get any big ideas.
We're not gonna bond over this! Where's the widow? She's inside.
The service is just starting.
Let's just wait for her out here.
Or we could go inside! -Excuse me.
Excuse me, are you okay? -No! Henry, let's just leave her alone.
I think I killed my grandpa! What's that, sweetheart? I had a cold and he read me a story and I sneezed on him! And now, he's gone! Oh, honey, you can't blame yourself.
I should have known better.
I even stayed home from school so I wouldn't get the other children sick.
You know, the 5-foot perimeter.
-What's your name? -Ellen.
Ellen, listen.
Nobody knows exactly what you catch a cold.
All that's important is that your grandpa loves you very much.
And nothing made him happier than reading you stories.
He's right.
Sometimes, stuff happens in the world and nobody's really to blame.
But your grandfather, he he lived a long and wonderful life, and that's all any of us should be thinking about, right now.
So it's not my fault? It's no one's fault.
It's no one's fault.
Okay.
I think I'll go back in now.
Thank you.
How ridiculous have we been? Feeling guilty, blaming ourselves -She killed him.
-No doubt about it.