Starlings (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Mum, I would like to present Katie.
And this is Ava.
Her daughter.
Your father, he really is an incredible thinker.
Isn't he? Billy? That Billy there? What do you want me to do, Bell? I'm trying.
"Those friends who'd been there after the accident began to dwindle.
" "So with no family or friends and both arms shorn off at the elbows, John was at his lowest ebb.
" "But then 2004 everything changed when an angel entered his life.
" "An angel in the shape of Beverly.
" Aww.
"John hopes you're listening because this is your morning love song.
" Morning, Father.
Morning.
I've made you a croque monsieur.
What monsieur? It's how the French start their day.
Is it now? Is that him, is it? Who? Josh.
What makes you think it's Josh? I'm gonna start loading the van.
And through it all She offers me protection A lot of love and affection whether I'm right or wrong Hey! What you playing at? Run! Hey, stop! Hey, hang on! Just calm down.
OK? I'm not going to call the police or anything.
I just want to talk to you.
Now, I used to do all this kind of thing when I was your age.
Tagging and all that.
Sort of.
But you don't need to resort to vandalism.
Now the councils lay on designated areas for this kind of thing.
I'm not having a go but I've just cleaned that bus.
I've got to use a special solvent remover and that is not cool.
OK? Sorry.
Now if you help me clean that off Now, Hannah! Ow! Go, quickly.
Argh! It's gone in my eyes.
St Swithin's Day, if thou dost rain, For forty days it shall remain.
St Swithin's Day, if thou be fair, For forty days t'will rain nae mair.
Have you ingested something? What are your plans on St Swithin's Day? Take a look at that.
Anything jumping out at you? Shire horses.
No.
Keep reading.
A dancing dog? No, no.
Further down.
That's right, my friend.
Kate Humble's doing the raffle! No, no.
Is she? I didn't That bit there.
The green bit.
Oh.
Monster Machines Extravaganza.
First prize.
£1,000.
I shall ask you again.
What are your plans on St Swithin's Day? What you doing, Gravy? Staring competition.
You winning? Never lost yet.
Mum! Gravy Can I talk to you for a minute? What? Me and your Dad are a bit worried that you're gonna be here forever.
And, um, that terrifies us.
You want me to move out? No.
Well, yeah, eventually.
But, no, I was thinking more about getting out into the fresh air occasionally.
I don't need to go out, do I? I've got a micro-climate in here.
I've got warmth and moisture, UV rays, which is basically the sun.
And you bring me food.
Well, again, me and your Dad thought that maybe you should start thinking about what you want to do with your life? I know you've said you don't want to follow your dad into the business.
You said you're not an electrician and we respect that.
We do.
But you're 26.
So maybe you should think about getting a place of your own.
Is this because Zac's here and I'm no longer the baby of the family? Well, strictly speaking, Charlie was the baby of the family.
Then Bell.
Then um You're the eldest.
Youngest boy though.
Why don't you have a little think about standing on your own two feet? Alright.
Hi, Josh.
Hi, Charlie.
Ah, good morning, the bringers of light and power.
Morning, Don.
Josh.
Good morning, Mr Starling.
Please, as I keep saying Terry? We stopped off this morning.
I got you a five-fruit smoothie.
Ah, thanks.
Don't look so downhearted, Terry.
A latte with one and a half sugars, if I'm not mistaken.
It's not easy getting the gears going without a bit of Java.
Thanks.
We're going to make a start in the back room, Dad.
Hold on.
Good idea.
Keen as mustard.
Means we can chew the fat whilst the youngsters are off doing whatever they do.
Working.
Listen, now we're alone, I want to bend your ear.
I was hoping we could have a chat.
Little dumpy brown bird, yellowish flanks and a white supercilium.
Eh? On the gatepost this morning.
Think it might have been a chiffchaff? Uh.
Could be.
Because at first I thought it was a Bonelli's Warbler.
But then it went, "Djup, djup, djup, wheep, wheep, chittu-chittu-chittu.
" We should probably make a start.
How are the eyes? Still sore? Um Yeah.
A little bit.
I spoke to the doctor and he wants us to irrigate them every two hours to remove any last traces of paint.
But you should be out of here this evening.
OK, thanks.
Is there anyone you want us to call? Could you call Annabelle Starling for me, please? She's in my phone.
Under "Baby".
Right, so, is this one? Well, you tell me.
You're the one driving it.
OK.
I thought Balsamic was "forward".
No, that's your boom arm.
You want cider vinegar.
Balsamic is boom, cider is dipper stick.
Why are we using two types of vinegar anyway? It's just confusing me.
These are the margins required to operate these machines.
Like flying a helicopter gunship.
This one forward and this one left.
Oh! Bloody hell.
Congratulations.
You've just killed a spectator.
Bye-bye, £1,000.
Hello, manslaughter.
What are you two playing at? I have no clue.
I've entered us into the Monster Machines Extravaganza at the fair and I'm teaching him how to drive.
If you know how to do it, why don't you drive? Because it's a synchronised dance.
We will both be required to drive.
Oh, well.
Good luck with that, then.
Right, come on.
Boom arm, left.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, bring it back.
Bring it back.
I've done you a hot Vimto and a bag of crippies.
Ah, hello.
You alright? Yeah.
Yeah.
You? Not really.
Why? What's up? Mum's chucked me out.
Oh.
Can I move in with you? Oh! Mm, mmm! You ever had one of these? What is it? It's a Shooter's Sandwich.
It's an old Edwardian recipe.
You got rib eye steak, shallots and mushrooms.
You fry them all up together, you hollow out your bloomer, you pop back in the filling and then you press the whole lot down under a heavy weight for a minimum of six hours.
Unbelievable.
Right.
We've got egg.
Do you wanna swap one? Um, yeah.
Hey, what about you, Terry? Swapsies? No, I'm good.
So, Terry, I think my Josh has something he wants to ask you.
Oh, erm, yes, Mr Starling.
Terry.
Charlie and I have known each other a few weeks now and I'd like to ask for your blessing Do you wanna drink? Sorry, went down the wrong hole.
To allow Charlie to accompany me to the cinema this evening.
The pictures? Yeah Right.
Yeah.
Don't see why not.
Oh, thank you.
That Ava's Dad there? Yeah.
He looks like a nice man.
He's not.
But Ava loves that photo.
So Where's she today? Band practice.
Ooh, just me and you, then.
What shall we do? Before you say anything I have got a Blu-ray copy of Point Break and a family bag of Revels in that there rucksack.
I've gotta go to work.
Have you? Well, when will you be back? About eleven.
Oh, OK.
I can amuse myself for an hour or so.
Eleven tonight, Gravy.
Tonight? If you're bored, change the bulb in that cabinet there and feed Bimpy.
His fishy flakes are in the second drawer there.
Make yourself useful.
See you later.
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
Have a nice day at work.
Then we then stop, raise our booms, cheeky wave of the bucket, a flash of the headlights and then we're off, crossing on this spot, as we pass under the arch of fire.
The what? The arch of fire.
Right.
How are we gonna do that? I dunno.
Just get cheap trellis from a garden centre and whack a load of petrol on it Yeah, that does sound quite dangerous.
Yes, yes.
But danger equals excitement.
And inexperienced driver plus flames equals human fireball.
You think of a concept then.
We're doing this tomorrow! What about a war between two metal giraffes? Can I make a suggestion? You said it was going to be a dance.
Make it a dance.
Thank you, nurse.
Nurse? Did you manage to contact Bell? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, good.
Can't wait to see her.
Well, not see but, you know.
I did tell you that we're not a couple any more, didn't I? Hmm.
Shame, though.
Been together since we were 14.
We were in the same year at school.
I'd see her around but I never really spoke to her.
She was way out of my league.
Then one day we were paired up in this school project thing where you had set up an imaginary business.
She had this plan to open an online florist.
I didn't know anything about flowers.
I think I wanted to start a kennel business but for exotic fish or something.
But Bell would not budge until she'd convinced me that her idea was better.
That's Bell though once she's got an idea stuck in her head, she will not change it.
So we set up this imaginary business.
I'd drive the van and Bell would do everything else.
She's a bit of a control freak but I didn't mind being told what to do, so we made a great team.
She'd always loved flowers.
Especially those ones What were they called? Fresias.
Fresias It's funny.
It's almost as though I can smell them right now.
Gravy I am your father.
Right.
And Gravy said "Let there be light.
" Ha! And there was light.
Who says I'm not an electrician? Oh.
Well, how did that get? No, no, no, no.
This is fine.
This is all fine.
Just needs, uh Oh, God.
Bimpy! No, no, no, no, no! Hold on, Bimpy.
Please don't die.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Shhh-shhh-shh.
There we go.
OK.
See.
I told you.
Me mum's at work.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Two, three! And to the right, two, three.
Coming back around for the figure eight.
You need to tighten up on that pencil turn.
And coming back into the middle and Yeah.
It's not working for me, this.
No.
Nor me.
Well, there's no unity, is there? Eh? No poise, no grace.
I'm not getting any emotion.
I'm feeling quite angry.
Yeah.
You can't give up now.
Pick that up.
Come on.
Pick it up.
Come on.
You get back on your marks.
Come on.
Gruntless, the both of you.
Now, gentlemen, start your engines! Alright.
Take five.
Cheers, mate! He hasn't even got a dog! Oh, it's you.
What are you doing here? I live here now.
You are joking? No, no, I'm not.
I'm being very, very serious.
And I'd also like to know why you're not at band practice.
Who is in there with you, young lady? It's none of your business, old man.
Have you been smoking in there? Yeah, I have.
And what are you gonna do about it? Well, I'm going to put the kettle on and then me and you are going to have a little chat about what's acceptable and what's not.
Now, if you'd like to show your friend out.
.
You need to learn a thing or two about respecting your elders.
Back in my day Guys.
No.
You can't.
Guys? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Oh, hello.
We're in screen two.
Oh right.
Which one we She's My Guy.
It's sounds hilarious.
Good news, Reuben.
I've spoken to the doctor.
He's going to take the bandages off and send you home.
Stay away from bright lights for day or two, then you're back to normal.
Oh, great.
Oh, you've got a couple of visitors.
Is that my little man I can hear? I'll leave you to it.
Thanks, Trudy.
Hello, Bell.
That's Trudy.
She's been looking after me.
Has she? What does she look like? Like the Gruffalo.
How you feeling? Good.
Bit sore.
They've given me some drops and they're letting me go home.
Right.
Well, I can give you a lift if you like.
That'd be nice.
Where is he, then? Pass him here.
Hello, mate.
Daddy can't see you right now but he knows that you're still the handsomest boy in the whole wide world.
I'm over here now, Reuben.
Sat down.
If you could give us a ring when you get a moment, that would be great.
It's not massively urgent but at the same time, it really, really is.
Bye.
Listen, I don't want you Mum? What are you doing here? I was just passing.
So I thought I'd pop in and say hello.
How did you know where I was? Mother's intuition.
Well, come in.
So, um, how's it all going, then? Great.
Really great.
Katie's at work so I'm just catching up on a few of those odd jobs that build up around the house, you know.
And Ava's upstairs, just revising with a few of her friends.
They're quite loud.
This is a break between revision.
My idea.
If they revise for an hour, I let them have 20 minutes of really loud dubstep music.
Guys.
Keep it down, yeah? Wait there.
This music's way too loud.
You've let your parents down, you've let yourselves down, you've let Gravy down.
It's a disgrace.
I think you should apologise on your way out.
Sorry.
Sorry about that, mate.
Sorry, yeah? Sorry.
It was really fun.
Thanks.
No problem.
Um, do you fancy some Mum? Yeah.
Can I come back home now, please? I'll wait in the car.
What we doing here? You two need to learn to work together.
We haven't really got time for this, Dad.
We've tried all your moves.
Let's go back to the original plan.
Get fire in, thrash metal music.
Come and stand in the middle of the room.
Right.
Fergie Hold Loz.
What? Go on.
Now, Loz, hold Fergie.
Dad, I don't see how this is gonna Trust me.
This works.
Right, now just stay like that for a little while.
Now, Fergie, I want you to, very quietly in his ear, tell Loz something you like about him.
Um You're good at drawing and stuff.
Keep going till I bounce the ball.
You're loyal Um, funny Um You're kind.
Er You're probably the nicest bloke I've ever met.
Now, Loz.
Your turn.
You are I want you to sing him a song.
Pardon? Yeah.
In his ear, as quietly as you can.
I thought I was gonna Don't think.
Just react.
That's what this is about.
This is about pulling the rug, so that you two learn to trust each other.
What do you want me to sing? The first song that comes in your head.
Go.
Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon? We could float amongst the stars together, you and I For we can fly Good.
Now we are a unit.
Is he coming back? Gravy, can we have a quick word? Yup.
I'm listening.
Dad and I feel we might have been a bit rash asking you to find a place of your own.
Maybe she just worded it wrong.
Anyway, we'd both like to say we're sorry.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I tried it.
It didn't work.
Might give it another go in a couple of years.
Couple of years? Boom! Head shot, straight through the temple.
Night, then.
Night.
Hello, love.
How's Reuben? Hi, Reuben.
How are the eyes? Perfect, thanks, Terry.
We're going to go to bed.
Oh.
Night, then.
Get in, then.
What, in there? Yeah.
What's this? A wall.
Night.
D'ya think we'll ever work the kids out? It was so much easier when they were little.
Was it? No, not really.
But at least they listened occasionally.
Except for Gravy.
I know what you mean, love.
We always had an eye on them, make sure they didn't get in too much trouble.
Except for Gravy.
They're all over the place now.
It's like trying to herd ants.
She'll be fine.
Who? I've seen you checking your watch.
Supposed to be home in a couple of minutes.
So she's not late, is she? You said he was a nice lad.
Yeah, he seems nice.
He was charming and polite but, you know, he's still a 16-year-old boy with a 16-year-old boy's needs.
Well, this is what's going to happen now.
There's going to be parties and boys and spin-the-bottle forfeits.
Oh, God.
This is what's going to happen and there's nothing you or I can do about it.
She's growing up.
It terrifies me.
I'm just not ready to let her go quite yet.
Shh! And the bit when the apple fell out of his bra and he had to pretend it was for the horse! Yeah, it was quite funny, that bit.
So anyway, thanks for walking me home.
No.
My absolute pleasure.
I should probably go in.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you want a kiss then, or I think that might be a bit inappropriate.
It is only our first date.
Are you being serious? OK.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Looking forward to it already.
Hello.
How was it? Did you have a good evening? Good, was it? It was alright.
Good.
Good, good.
What you watching? Oh, it's just a programme about these people on screen here things they say.
Well, I'm going to get off to bed anyway.
I'll see you in the morning.
Yep, will do.
Night.
She didn't kiss him.
That's my girl.
Where d'you know this bloke from? I met him in Bali when I was travelling.
He ran a surf shack in Uluwatu.
I used to do a bit of driving for him.
So how come he can get He owes me a favour.
So, erm Did you mean all that thing you said last night? About me being the nicest bloke you've ever met? Aw, where is he? Because it was a really nice thing to say, Fergie.
Meant a lot.
Yeah? Well, I had to say something, didn't I? Your old man staring at me.
Yeah, but still really lovely.
Thank you.
If you'd had to say something nice about me, what would you have said? Well, I didn't have to, did I? No, no, I know.
I'm just saying theoretically, if you did You mean hypothetically.
Well, whichever.
Well, I'd probably say you were a complex character, whose apparent insouciance and garrulousness were sometimes used as a facade to mask far deeper aspects of your persona.
One of which is that you are a surprisingly solicious man.
But in lay terms? Nice bloke.
Yeah.
"Welcome to the 80th St Swithin's Day country fair.
" "In the lower field right now, porcine dressage.
" Ah, that's lovely.
What's that one called again? That, Terence, is the Ann Boleyn.
So called because it has no head.
That's very good.
No, no, I like that one.
Nutty.
But I don't want to commit just yet.
Which one's haven't we tried.
Dad? You seem to have tried them all now, gents.
That one three times.
You're drinking me dry and I've not seen a penny yet.
Let me just try the Grimlock's Eye just one more time.
Ditto.
Look at all these families enjoying the day without a care in the world.
Ready to face every little drama life throws at them.
Little lad there will probably want his eyebrow pierced one day.
And his mum will go spare.
Sulking girl over there with her iPod on, might, after a couple of years, tell her poor old dad she wants to be a glamour model or a fella.
But they'll talk it out and they'll reason and get it all sorted.
I guess that's what being a parent is.
Well, you know, you do what you do.
There's no rule book but we get by.
We have to, don't we? We? During my time as a guardian I really felt the full force of all that responsibility.
Are you talking about yesterday? Yep.
Parenting.
It's not easy is it, Mum? Jan, Jan, that's Charlie over there with Josh.
Bold as brass.
Right, you stay there.
I'm gonna sort this.
Whoa, whoa.
Remember what we talked about? Letting her fly.
Sometimes she'll soar and sometimes she'll come crashing back down to Earth.
But that's life.
She's a big girl now.
No, you're right.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Plenty of dogs here if you're hungry.
Wings, nachos.
You talking to me? Sorry.
I thought you two were someone else.
I do apologise.
Please, carry on.
Thanks, Dad.
Jan They've got us on last.
That's good.
Means we're headlining.
Uh, I don't think so.
There's only two acts on.
Mary and Her Comedy Tractor, and then us.
Then that money's as good as ours, my friend.
Yes! Ooh, we have a winner.
Can I have the huge teddy bear? You only got three out of five, duck.
Anything off the middle shelf.
Oh, can I have the weird, orange triceratops-dragon-looking thing? Did you see that, did you? I think getting sprayed in the eyes has given me a sort of mega-vision.
Maaa! Don't do that.
You'll give him nightmares.
"It's time for the monster machine extravaganza!" That's set him off again now.
Would you mind looking after him for a bit while I go and watch Fergie and Loz? But I want to watch as well.
It'll be a bit loud for him.
Besides, you'll be able to see well from here, what with that mega-vision of yours? You're Mary.
I am indeed.
And you must be the fresh bloods.
That we are.
Any advice for a couple of newbies? Go home.
Pardon? That lot out there they're only here for one thing.
To see me.
Sorry, um Is your name Mrs Desmond? Yes.
Were you the headmistress of Longford Comprehensive? Yes, I was.
Were you one of my pupils? No.
You were, weren't you? Over 5,000 students passed through the gates of that school over the years but I've never forgotten a face yet.
Really? Go on, then.
Anthony Colin Ferguson.
That is amazing.
Shut up.
You said when I left school that I'd never amount to anything.
Said I'd end up at sweeping the floor at the coleslaw factory in Willenhall Did I? Funny, innit? Well, luckily for you, they closed down.
So what ARE you doing with yourself? I've sort of spent the last 15, 20 years travelling the world.
But I'm back in Matlock now.
He lives in a caravan in his auntie's back garden.
Thank you.
Well, I wouldn't bank on achieving anything today either.
I have won this event for the past three years.
Have you? Maybe there'll be a change of guard this year, Mrs Desmond.
Unless of course your husband is the mayor.
Actually, that rings a bell.
Best of luck.
You alright? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for a Derbyshire institution.
" "The one, the only Mary and Her Comedy Tractor!" Old lady dressed as a scarecrow.
Brilliant.
Remember what I said, boys.
Eh? This is about unity.
It's about harmony and communication.
You know the moves.
You know them backwards.
So I want you to just keep your eyes on each other and stay focused.
Loz, look out for them pencil turns and, Fergie, go easy on the gas.
Fergie? You're wasting your time, Dad.
He's gone to pieces.
Boo! What's wrong? I can't do this.
You can do this, Fergie.
Look at me.
It doesn't matter what she said.
That's all years ago.
Let it go.
This isn't about proving your old headmistress wrong, is it, Dad? Or the money.
This is about winning the hearts and minds of that lot out there.
Yeah? We can do this.
Come on You and me together.
Hey.
I'll see you two love birds on the other side.
"Oh, my Lord.
She's class.
" "Follow that.
" "Well, unfortunately somebody has to.
" "So please welcome to the arena two local lads, Loz and Fergie.
" Three, two Go.
Good, good.
Yeah, yeah.
Pull something.
Two, go.
Around.
That's it.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Keep going, keep going.
What you doing? Anthony Ferguson, you are under arrest.
Where are you going? Er, just going for a little walk.
With a pot plant? I am gonna have him this time, Jan.
You what? The Meakon.
Who? Brian Valentine.
No, you've got to get rid of him.
Seriously, he's a headcase.
Hiya.
And this is Ava.
Her daughter.
Your father, he really is an incredible thinker.
Isn't he? Billy? That Billy there? What do you want me to do, Bell? I'm trying.
"Those friends who'd been there after the accident began to dwindle.
" "So with no family or friends and both arms shorn off at the elbows, John was at his lowest ebb.
" "But then 2004 everything changed when an angel entered his life.
" "An angel in the shape of Beverly.
" Aww.
"John hopes you're listening because this is your morning love song.
" Morning, Father.
Morning.
I've made you a croque monsieur.
What monsieur? It's how the French start their day.
Is it now? Is that him, is it? Who? Josh.
What makes you think it's Josh? I'm gonna start loading the van.
And through it all She offers me protection A lot of love and affection whether I'm right or wrong Hey! What you playing at? Run! Hey, stop! Hey, hang on! Just calm down.
OK? I'm not going to call the police or anything.
I just want to talk to you.
Now, I used to do all this kind of thing when I was your age.
Tagging and all that.
Sort of.
But you don't need to resort to vandalism.
Now the councils lay on designated areas for this kind of thing.
I'm not having a go but I've just cleaned that bus.
I've got to use a special solvent remover and that is not cool.
OK? Sorry.
Now if you help me clean that off Now, Hannah! Ow! Go, quickly.
Argh! It's gone in my eyes.
St Swithin's Day, if thou dost rain, For forty days it shall remain.
St Swithin's Day, if thou be fair, For forty days t'will rain nae mair.
Have you ingested something? What are your plans on St Swithin's Day? Take a look at that.
Anything jumping out at you? Shire horses.
No.
Keep reading.
A dancing dog? No, no.
Further down.
That's right, my friend.
Kate Humble's doing the raffle! No, no.
Is she? I didn't That bit there.
The green bit.
Oh.
Monster Machines Extravaganza.
First prize.
£1,000.
I shall ask you again.
What are your plans on St Swithin's Day? What you doing, Gravy? Staring competition.
You winning? Never lost yet.
Mum! Gravy Can I talk to you for a minute? What? Me and your Dad are a bit worried that you're gonna be here forever.
And, um, that terrifies us.
You want me to move out? No.
Well, yeah, eventually.
But, no, I was thinking more about getting out into the fresh air occasionally.
I don't need to go out, do I? I've got a micro-climate in here.
I've got warmth and moisture, UV rays, which is basically the sun.
And you bring me food.
Well, again, me and your Dad thought that maybe you should start thinking about what you want to do with your life? I know you've said you don't want to follow your dad into the business.
You said you're not an electrician and we respect that.
We do.
But you're 26.
So maybe you should think about getting a place of your own.
Is this because Zac's here and I'm no longer the baby of the family? Well, strictly speaking, Charlie was the baby of the family.
Then Bell.
Then um You're the eldest.
Youngest boy though.
Why don't you have a little think about standing on your own two feet? Alright.
Hi, Josh.
Hi, Charlie.
Ah, good morning, the bringers of light and power.
Morning, Don.
Josh.
Good morning, Mr Starling.
Please, as I keep saying Terry? We stopped off this morning.
I got you a five-fruit smoothie.
Ah, thanks.
Don't look so downhearted, Terry.
A latte with one and a half sugars, if I'm not mistaken.
It's not easy getting the gears going without a bit of Java.
Thanks.
We're going to make a start in the back room, Dad.
Hold on.
Good idea.
Keen as mustard.
Means we can chew the fat whilst the youngsters are off doing whatever they do.
Working.
Listen, now we're alone, I want to bend your ear.
I was hoping we could have a chat.
Little dumpy brown bird, yellowish flanks and a white supercilium.
Eh? On the gatepost this morning.
Think it might have been a chiffchaff? Uh.
Could be.
Because at first I thought it was a Bonelli's Warbler.
But then it went, "Djup, djup, djup, wheep, wheep, chittu-chittu-chittu.
" We should probably make a start.
How are the eyes? Still sore? Um Yeah.
A little bit.
I spoke to the doctor and he wants us to irrigate them every two hours to remove any last traces of paint.
But you should be out of here this evening.
OK, thanks.
Is there anyone you want us to call? Could you call Annabelle Starling for me, please? She's in my phone.
Under "Baby".
Right, so, is this one? Well, you tell me.
You're the one driving it.
OK.
I thought Balsamic was "forward".
No, that's your boom arm.
You want cider vinegar.
Balsamic is boom, cider is dipper stick.
Why are we using two types of vinegar anyway? It's just confusing me.
These are the margins required to operate these machines.
Like flying a helicopter gunship.
This one forward and this one left.
Oh! Bloody hell.
Congratulations.
You've just killed a spectator.
Bye-bye, £1,000.
Hello, manslaughter.
What are you two playing at? I have no clue.
I've entered us into the Monster Machines Extravaganza at the fair and I'm teaching him how to drive.
If you know how to do it, why don't you drive? Because it's a synchronised dance.
We will both be required to drive.
Oh, well.
Good luck with that, then.
Right, come on.
Boom arm, left.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, bring it back.
Bring it back.
I've done you a hot Vimto and a bag of crippies.
Ah, hello.
You alright? Yeah.
Yeah.
You? Not really.
Why? What's up? Mum's chucked me out.
Oh.
Can I move in with you? Oh! Mm, mmm! You ever had one of these? What is it? It's a Shooter's Sandwich.
It's an old Edwardian recipe.
You got rib eye steak, shallots and mushrooms.
You fry them all up together, you hollow out your bloomer, you pop back in the filling and then you press the whole lot down under a heavy weight for a minimum of six hours.
Unbelievable.
Right.
We've got egg.
Do you wanna swap one? Um, yeah.
Hey, what about you, Terry? Swapsies? No, I'm good.
So, Terry, I think my Josh has something he wants to ask you.
Oh, erm, yes, Mr Starling.
Terry.
Charlie and I have known each other a few weeks now and I'd like to ask for your blessing Do you wanna drink? Sorry, went down the wrong hole.
To allow Charlie to accompany me to the cinema this evening.
The pictures? Yeah Right.
Yeah.
Don't see why not.
Oh, thank you.
That Ava's Dad there? Yeah.
He looks like a nice man.
He's not.
But Ava loves that photo.
So Where's she today? Band practice.
Ooh, just me and you, then.
What shall we do? Before you say anything I have got a Blu-ray copy of Point Break and a family bag of Revels in that there rucksack.
I've gotta go to work.
Have you? Well, when will you be back? About eleven.
Oh, OK.
I can amuse myself for an hour or so.
Eleven tonight, Gravy.
Tonight? If you're bored, change the bulb in that cabinet there and feed Bimpy.
His fishy flakes are in the second drawer there.
Make yourself useful.
See you later.
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
Have a nice day at work.
Then we then stop, raise our booms, cheeky wave of the bucket, a flash of the headlights and then we're off, crossing on this spot, as we pass under the arch of fire.
The what? The arch of fire.
Right.
How are we gonna do that? I dunno.
Just get cheap trellis from a garden centre and whack a load of petrol on it Yeah, that does sound quite dangerous.
Yes, yes.
But danger equals excitement.
And inexperienced driver plus flames equals human fireball.
You think of a concept then.
We're doing this tomorrow! What about a war between two metal giraffes? Can I make a suggestion? You said it was going to be a dance.
Make it a dance.
Thank you, nurse.
Nurse? Did you manage to contact Bell? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, good.
Can't wait to see her.
Well, not see but, you know.
I did tell you that we're not a couple any more, didn't I? Hmm.
Shame, though.
Been together since we were 14.
We were in the same year at school.
I'd see her around but I never really spoke to her.
She was way out of my league.
Then one day we were paired up in this school project thing where you had set up an imaginary business.
She had this plan to open an online florist.
I didn't know anything about flowers.
I think I wanted to start a kennel business but for exotic fish or something.
But Bell would not budge until she'd convinced me that her idea was better.
That's Bell though once she's got an idea stuck in her head, she will not change it.
So we set up this imaginary business.
I'd drive the van and Bell would do everything else.
She's a bit of a control freak but I didn't mind being told what to do, so we made a great team.
She'd always loved flowers.
Especially those ones What were they called? Fresias.
Fresias It's funny.
It's almost as though I can smell them right now.
Gravy I am your father.
Right.
And Gravy said "Let there be light.
" Ha! And there was light.
Who says I'm not an electrician? Oh.
Well, how did that get? No, no, no, no.
This is fine.
This is all fine.
Just needs, uh Oh, God.
Bimpy! No, no, no, no, no! Hold on, Bimpy.
Please don't die.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Shhh-shhh-shh.
There we go.
OK.
See.
I told you.
Me mum's at work.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Two, three! And to the right, two, three.
Coming back around for the figure eight.
You need to tighten up on that pencil turn.
And coming back into the middle and Yeah.
It's not working for me, this.
No.
Nor me.
Well, there's no unity, is there? Eh? No poise, no grace.
I'm not getting any emotion.
I'm feeling quite angry.
Yeah.
You can't give up now.
Pick that up.
Come on.
Pick it up.
Come on.
You get back on your marks.
Come on.
Gruntless, the both of you.
Now, gentlemen, start your engines! Alright.
Take five.
Cheers, mate! He hasn't even got a dog! Oh, it's you.
What are you doing here? I live here now.
You are joking? No, no, I'm not.
I'm being very, very serious.
And I'd also like to know why you're not at band practice.
Who is in there with you, young lady? It's none of your business, old man.
Have you been smoking in there? Yeah, I have.
And what are you gonna do about it? Well, I'm going to put the kettle on and then me and you are going to have a little chat about what's acceptable and what's not.
Now, if you'd like to show your friend out.
.
You need to learn a thing or two about respecting your elders.
Back in my day Guys.
No.
You can't.
Guys? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Oh, hello.
We're in screen two.
Oh right.
Which one we She's My Guy.
It's sounds hilarious.
Good news, Reuben.
I've spoken to the doctor.
He's going to take the bandages off and send you home.
Stay away from bright lights for day or two, then you're back to normal.
Oh, great.
Oh, you've got a couple of visitors.
Is that my little man I can hear? I'll leave you to it.
Thanks, Trudy.
Hello, Bell.
That's Trudy.
She's been looking after me.
Has she? What does she look like? Like the Gruffalo.
How you feeling? Good.
Bit sore.
They've given me some drops and they're letting me go home.
Right.
Well, I can give you a lift if you like.
That'd be nice.
Where is he, then? Pass him here.
Hello, mate.
Daddy can't see you right now but he knows that you're still the handsomest boy in the whole wide world.
I'm over here now, Reuben.
Sat down.
If you could give us a ring when you get a moment, that would be great.
It's not massively urgent but at the same time, it really, really is.
Bye.
Listen, I don't want you Mum? What are you doing here? I was just passing.
So I thought I'd pop in and say hello.
How did you know where I was? Mother's intuition.
Well, come in.
So, um, how's it all going, then? Great.
Really great.
Katie's at work so I'm just catching up on a few of those odd jobs that build up around the house, you know.
And Ava's upstairs, just revising with a few of her friends.
They're quite loud.
This is a break between revision.
My idea.
If they revise for an hour, I let them have 20 minutes of really loud dubstep music.
Guys.
Keep it down, yeah? Wait there.
This music's way too loud.
You've let your parents down, you've let yourselves down, you've let Gravy down.
It's a disgrace.
I think you should apologise on your way out.
Sorry.
Sorry about that, mate.
Sorry, yeah? Sorry.
It was really fun.
Thanks.
No problem.
Um, do you fancy some Mum? Yeah.
Can I come back home now, please? I'll wait in the car.
What we doing here? You two need to learn to work together.
We haven't really got time for this, Dad.
We've tried all your moves.
Let's go back to the original plan.
Get fire in, thrash metal music.
Come and stand in the middle of the room.
Right.
Fergie Hold Loz.
What? Go on.
Now, Loz, hold Fergie.
Dad, I don't see how this is gonna Trust me.
This works.
Right, now just stay like that for a little while.
Now, Fergie, I want you to, very quietly in his ear, tell Loz something you like about him.
Um You're good at drawing and stuff.
Keep going till I bounce the ball.
You're loyal Um, funny Um You're kind.
Er You're probably the nicest bloke I've ever met.
Now, Loz.
Your turn.
You are I want you to sing him a song.
Pardon? Yeah.
In his ear, as quietly as you can.
I thought I was gonna Don't think.
Just react.
That's what this is about.
This is about pulling the rug, so that you two learn to trust each other.
What do you want me to sing? The first song that comes in your head.
Go.
Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon? We could float amongst the stars together, you and I For we can fly Good.
Now we are a unit.
Is he coming back? Gravy, can we have a quick word? Yup.
I'm listening.
Dad and I feel we might have been a bit rash asking you to find a place of your own.
Maybe she just worded it wrong.
Anyway, we'd both like to say we're sorry.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I tried it.
It didn't work.
Might give it another go in a couple of years.
Couple of years? Boom! Head shot, straight through the temple.
Night, then.
Night.
Hello, love.
How's Reuben? Hi, Reuben.
How are the eyes? Perfect, thanks, Terry.
We're going to go to bed.
Oh.
Night, then.
Get in, then.
What, in there? Yeah.
What's this? A wall.
Night.
D'ya think we'll ever work the kids out? It was so much easier when they were little.
Was it? No, not really.
But at least they listened occasionally.
Except for Gravy.
I know what you mean, love.
We always had an eye on them, make sure they didn't get in too much trouble.
Except for Gravy.
They're all over the place now.
It's like trying to herd ants.
She'll be fine.
Who? I've seen you checking your watch.
Supposed to be home in a couple of minutes.
So she's not late, is she? You said he was a nice lad.
Yeah, he seems nice.
He was charming and polite but, you know, he's still a 16-year-old boy with a 16-year-old boy's needs.
Well, this is what's going to happen now.
There's going to be parties and boys and spin-the-bottle forfeits.
Oh, God.
This is what's going to happen and there's nothing you or I can do about it.
She's growing up.
It terrifies me.
I'm just not ready to let her go quite yet.
Shh! And the bit when the apple fell out of his bra and he had to pretend it was for the horse! Yeah, it was quite funny, that bit.
So anyway, thanks for walking me home.
No.
My absolute pleasure.
I should probably go in.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you want a kiss then, or I think that might be a bit inappropriate.
It is only our first date.
Are you being serious? OK.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Looking forward to it already.
Hello.
How was it? Did you have a good evening? Good, was it? It was alright.
Good.
Good, good.
What you watching? Oh, it's just a programme about these people on screen here things they say.
Well, I'm going to get off to bed anyway.
I'll see you in the morning.
Yep, will do.
Night.
She didn't kiss him.
That's my girl.
Where d'you know this bloke from? I met him in Bali when I was travelling.
He ran a surf shack in Uluwatu.
I used to do a bit of driving for him.
So how come he can get He owes me a favour.
So, erm Did you mean all that thing you said last night? About me being the nicest bloke you've ever met? Aw, where is he? Because it was a really nice thing to say, Fergie.
Meant a lot.
Yeah? Well, I had to say something, didn't I? Your old man staring at me.
Yeah, but still really lovely.
Thank you.
If you'd had to say something nice about me, what would you have said? Well, I didn't have to, did I? No, no, I know.
I'm just saying theoretically, if you did You mean hypothetically.
Well, whichever.
Well, I'd probably say you were a complex character, whose apparent insouciance and garrulousness were sometimes used as a facade to mask far deeper aspects of your persona.
One of which is that you are a surprisingly solicious man.
But in lay terms? Nice bloke.
Yeah.
"Welcome to the 80th St Swithin's Day country fair.
" "In the lower field right now, porcine dressage.
" Ah, that's lovely.
What's that one called again? That, Terence, is the Ann Boleyn.
So called because it has no head.
That's very good.
No, no, I like that one.
Nutty.
But I don't want to commit just yet.
Which one's haven't we tried.
Dad? You seem to have tried them all now, gents.
That one three times.
You're drinking me dry and I've not seen a penny yet.
Let me just try the Grimlock's Eye just one more time.
Ditto.
Look at all these families enjoying the day without a care in the world.
Ready to face every little drama life throws at them.
Little lad there will probably want his eyebrow pierced one day.
And his mum will go spare.
Sulking girl over there with her iPod on, might, after a couple of years, tell her poor old dad she wants to be a glamour model or a fella.
But they'll talk it out and they'll reason and get it all sorted.
I guess that's what being a parent is.
Well, you know, you do what you do.
There's no rule book but we get by.
We have to, don't we? We? During my time as a guardian I really felt the full force of all that responsibility.
Are you talking about yesterday? Yep.
Parenting.
It's not easy is it, Mum? Jan, Jan, that's Charlie over there with Josh.
Bold as brass.
Right, you stay there.
I'm gonna sort this.
Whoa, whoa.
Remember what we talked about? Letting her fly.
Sometimes she'll soar and sometimes she'll come crashing back down to Earth.
But that's life.
She's a big girl now.
No, you're right.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Plenty of dogs here if you're hungry.
Wings, nachos.
You talking to me? Sorry.
I thought you two were someone else.
I do apologise.
Please, carry on.
Thanks, Dad.
Jan They've got us on last.
That's good.
Means we're headlining.
Uh, I don't think so.
There's only two acts on.
Mary and Her Comedy Tractor, and then us.
Then that money's as good as ours, my friend.
Yes! Ooh, we have a winner.
Can I have the huge teddy bear? You only got three out of five, duck.
Anything off the middle shelf.
Oh, can I have the weird, orange triceratops-dragon-looking thing? Did you see that, did you? I think getting sprayed in the eyes has given me a sort of mega-vision.
Maaa! Don't do that.
You'll give him nightmares.
"It's time for the monster machine extravaganza!" That's set him off again now.
Would you mind looking after him for a bit while I go and watch Fergie and Loz? But I want to watch as well.
It'll be a bit loud for him.
Besides, you'll be able to see well from here, what with that mega-vision of yours? You're Mary.
I am indeed.
And you must be the fresh bloods.
That we are.
Any advice for a couple of newbies? Go home.
Pardon? That lot out there they're only here for one thing.
To see me.
Sorry, um Is your name Mrs Desmond? Yes.
Were you the headmistress of Longford Comprehensive? Yes, I was.
Were you one of my pupils? No.
You were, weren't you? Over 5,000 students passed through the gates of that school over the years but I've never forgotten a face yet.
Really? Go on, then.
Anthony Colin Ferguson.
That is amazing.
Shut up.
You said when I left school that I'd never amount to anything.
Said I'd end up at sweeping the floor at the coleslaw factory in Willenhall Did I? Funny, innit? Well, luckily for you, they closed down.
So what ARE you doing with yourself? I've sort of spent the last 15, 20 years travelling the world.
But I'm back in Matlock now.
He lives in a caravan in his auntie's back garden.
Thank you.
Well, I wouldn't bank on achieving anything today either.
I have won this event for the past three years.
Have you? Maybe there'll be a change of guard this year, Mrs Desmond.
Unless of course your husband is the mayor.
Actually, that rings a bell.
Best of luck.
You alright? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for a Derbyshire institution.
" "The one, the only Mary and Her Comedy Tractor!" Old lady dressed as a scarecrow.
Brilliant.
Remember what I said, boys.
Eh? This is about unity.
It's about harmony and communication.
You know the moves.
You know them backwards.
So I want you to just keep your eyes on each other and stay focused.
Loz, look out for them pencil turns and, Fergie, go easy on the gas.
Fergie? You're wasting your time, Dad.
He's gone to pieces.
Boo! What's wrong? I can't do this.
You can do this, Fergie.
Look at me.
It doesn't matter what she said.
That's all years ago.
Let it go.
This isn't about proving your old headmistress wrong, is it, Dad? Or the money.
This is about winning the hearts and minds of that lot out there.
Yeah? We can do this.
Come on You and me together.
Hey.
I'll see you two love birds on the other side.
"Oh, my Lord.
She's class.
" "Follow that.
" "Well, unfortunately somebody has to.
" "So please welcome to the arena two local lads, Loz and Fergie.
" Three, two Go.
Good, good.
Yeah, yeah.
Pull something.
Two, go.
Around.
That's it.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Keep going, keep going.
What you doing? Anthony Ferguson, you are under arrest.
Where are you going? Er, just going for a little walk.
With a pot plant? I am gonna have him this time, Jan.
You what? The Meakon.
Who? Brian Valentine.
No, you've got to get rid of him.
Seriously, he's a headcase.
Hiya.