Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e04 Episode Script

1
When was the last time
you saw a dentist, Jerri?
About a
32 years ago.
Why don't you open wide
and we'll take a look
Okay
Mmm
Ahh I see some
periodontal disease,
some gingivitis
Geographic lip,
at some point you had
your tongue bobbed,
and your bicuspids
seem to be all tartar.
All right, let me
grab the x-rays.
We'll take a better look.
Hi, I'm Jerri Blank.
And I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.
During the 32 years
I spent as a teenage runaway,
I was a boozer, a user,
and a loser.
But now I'm picking up my
life exactly where I left off.
Only this time, when I
make the wrong choices,
I'm doing it for all
the right reasons.
Whoa, that's a
hell of an overbite.
Oh, you're definitely going
to need some orthodonture.
What are you saying?
Young lady
I'm going to have to
fit you for braces.
Braces!
But if I get braces
I'll be the laughing
stock of Flatpoint High!
Nobody wants braces, Jerri
But I'm afraid that's something
you're going to have to
learn to live with.
Ughh!
Hey, tinsel teeth.
Yeah, way to go, brace face.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Hi, Jerri.
Oh hey, Kimberly.
You know no thanks
Y'know, those girls don't know
what they're talking about.
It's not that bad having braces.
Yeah, well, name one good thing.
Um well, uh
They're shiny!
Yeah, yeah
Thanks.
"Then Jefferson bought
the Mississippi and beyond,
a river that Lewis and Clark
had glory upon."
I've never heard
the Louisiana Purchase
expressed so lyrically.
Thank you, Chip.
You have beautiful teeth.
Sit down.
Jerri, you're up.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Packing a Musket"
by Jerri Blank.
Ahem
"When you work from your home
and johns call on the phone,"
"you're a call girl."
"When you walk 'til you limp
and give a cut to a pimp,"
"you're a street whore."
"When they're begging you please to get
down on your knees near their groinage,"
"scuza me, but you see, don't you
touch, where they pee without coinage."
Thank you, Jerri
"when I straddle and squat
to show you my"
[BELL RINGING]
All right, Jerri.
All right, everybody
for tomorrow
I want you to write
a history poem on Hiroshima
but nothing too
fag-gy
And remember,
I need permission slips
for this week's trip
to Goodtime Island.
Where's your permission slip?
Shut your dirty little mouth!
Jerri?
Can you hold on a minute?
Sure!
Principal Blackman
wanted me to speak to you
about Kimberly Timbers.
My locker mate?
Yes, we'd like you
to spy on her.
Spy on her?!
Hey!
I'm no squealer, alright?
I'm not snarking on anybody!
What'd she do?
We suspect she might be
Retarded.
Wow, what makes you think that?
Well, let's just say it's one of
Principal Blackman's hunches,
and we don't question those.
Do we?
Well, what's it
going to be, Jerri?
I don't think so.
I understand.
Mmm
Alright.
OK.
OK.
It is a shame you're
going to miss
the big school trip
to Goodtime Island, though.
What?!
But I'm in the pleasure club!
I mean
My dad's already signed my
permission slip and everything!
See?
Jerri, I'm afraid
I can't read this note.
The handwriting is so
Uncooperative.
Listen, Jerri, don't
think of it as snitching.
Think of it as
betraying the retarded.
We're not asking you to do
anything we wouldn't do.
Then why don't you do it?
The Board of Education
has very strict guidelines
for snaring the retarded.
We need confirmation
from one of her peers.
Why me?
Well, you've got these braces.
They tend to be drawn to
Shiny objects.
Right, well, I don't
think she's retarded.
Really, Jerri?
Why don't you
take a closer look.
But be careful.
If she catches on,
she may fly into a rage
where she would have
the strength of an ape,
and no remorse!
Not even a bullet
would bring her down.
Wow!
Remember, Jerri,
Goodtime Island.
Hi, Jerri.
Hey, Kimberly!
So um
How's your brain?
My brain?
Oh listen, never mind.
So you going to ah
Goodtime Island?
Of course I'm going!
I'm secretary of
the Pleasure Club.
Oh right!
Sometimes I can be so retarded.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
You ever feel that way?
Who doesn't?
I don't.
Do you?
I was just joking, Jerri.
Really, "joking," that's funny.
Do you come up with these
jokes on the spot
off the top of your head
or were you born with them?
I don't understand.
She doesn't understand!
Well, see ya later, Jerri.
Yeah, yeah
Mmm[SLURP]
Mmm ow!
Well, Clawson, looks like
this case is closed.
Clearly our
locker mate's retarded.
And since they're dangerous
I guess snarking's
not such a bad thing.
So it's off to Goodtime Island!
Let's go see Mr. Noblet
for some good
old-fashioned snitcharoo.
Oh listen, I've got to
ask you to do me a favor.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah,
oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Oh, hey, Jerri.
Mr. Jellineck,
could I speak to
Mr. Noblet for a second?
Sure.
Chuck, take five.
What can I do for you, Jerri?
I'm ready to make my report.
That was fast.
You must feel good.
I guess.
Tell you what, Jerri.
I'm gonna head down to Principal
Blackman's office and take a shower.
Why don't you join me
there in a few minutes
and we'll tell him all about
this report of yours.
Okay?
Oh and Jerri
This note just got
a lot more legible.
No running!
Say, Jerry
What was that all about?
Mr. Noblet wants me
to snitch on a friend.
Snitching doesn't
seem like you, Jerri.
Oh, it's not what you think.
I mean it's not like snitching
on a real person, or anything.
She's
Gay?
Retarded.
Yes, most of them are.
Most who or what?
Most gay people are retarded.
Wait a minute, does that mean
Kimberly Timbers is gay?
I don't know.
Hey, make a pass
at her and find out.
She'd have to be retarded
to turn you down.
Thanks um
are they dangerous?
Gay people?
They can be.
No, no, no, retarded people.
Hmmm
I don't know.
But I do know before
you do any snitching
you better find out.
Retardation: A Celebration.
This will have
all the information
about retardation that you need.
Let's read it now!
MAN [ON CASSETTE]:
Hi, this is Wilford Brimley.
Welcome to
Retardation: A Celebration.
Now, hopefully with this book,
I'm gonna dispel a few myths.
A few rumors.
First off, the retarded
don't rule the night.
They don't rule it.
Nobody does.
And they don't run in packs.
And while they may not
be as strong as apes,
don't lock eyes with them,
don't do it.
It puts 'em on edge.
They might go into
berserker mode,
come at you like
a whirling dervish,
all fists and elbows.
You might be
screaming, "no, no, no,"
and all they hear is,
"who wants cake?"
Let me tell you something,
they all do.
They all want cake.
Well, that's it
for the celebration.
I guess the most important
thing to remember is:
They're just like you and me.
Hmmm
"They're just like
you and me."
Daddy, can I talk
to you for a second?
I know you're really busy.
But a lot went down
in school today.
God, I'm really in a K-hole.
They want me to
snitch on my locker mate
I don't know what to do.
I mean at first
I thought well, "all right."
You know, because she's
dangerous and different.
But then I found out
they're just like you and me.
Hey, Pops, can I borrow the car
when you're done tuning it?
Thanks.
Ohhhhh man, I almost forgot!
Which one do you
want first, Jerri?
You pick.
What're you talking about?
First: Did you just
finish eating crackers?
No, why?
'Cause your teeth
sure look crummy.
Yes!
OK, numero deuce:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
I heard you're a snitch.
Yes!
Where did you hear that?
A retarded little bird told me.
Yeah, well, read
between the lines, pussy!
Oh yeah?
Read between these lines.
Oh hi, Jerri,
I'm glad you're home.
You can help me set the table.
What are we having?
Oh your brother
helped me pick it out.
Everything is
south of the border.
We're having corn
on the cob, beef jerky
and for dessert
Taffy apples.
Well, I can't eat any of that.
Oh well, it's a good opportunity
for you to lose some
of that baby fat.
You don't want to go to
Goodtime Island looking all puffy.
I may not be going
to Goodtime Island.
Oh, well, your father
and I will miss you.
We're gonna be chaperoning.
Don't you care why
I might not be going?
Well, you're a freshman
in high school now, Jerri.
I think you're old enough
to make your own mistakes.
It's not about mistakes, Mother.
It's about choices, and I've
chosen to make a mistake.
Well, I think you're making
a mistake with this choice.
[SLURP]
I'll be with you
in a moment, Jerri.
Just thought I'd
liven the office
with this sketch of Noblet.
So you never showed up
with that report yesterday.
What gives, Jerri?
Warden
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Principal Blackman,
if I did have anything
Which I don't
And it proves that
Kimberly is retarded
Which I don't know for sure
What would you do?
Well, we'd probably, track
her down, tranquilize her
and then try to harness
her tremendous strength
for some practical purpose.
But they're just like
you and me!
I don't care if they're
just like me and me.
They're a menace!
I anticipated that you'd
feel this way.
So I took the liberty
of calling your parents.
Look, Jerri, I have no idea
what this is all about
but your father
is extremely disappointed.
Mr. and Mrs. Blank,
I called you in today
because of the brazen
display of audacity.
Jerri has refused to cooperate
in our official investigation.
Witch hunt
And by audacity I mean
hubris, overweening pride!
Principal Black Man
It's Blackman.
What I'd like to know is
why is there a retarded girl
in school with my daughter?
Mrs. Blank, we're doing
our best to weed them out.
But some of these retards
are extremely clever.
Anybody could be one.
Just because I have
a slight overbite
Dad, please, I'm old enough
to defend myself!
Evidently not yet old enough
to betray a retarded girl.
How dare you!
If I had any kids I kept
I'd treat them a hell of a lot
better than you're treating me!
Oh!
[HEARTBEAT]
WILFORD: All they hear
is, "who wants cake?"
They all want cake.
Mrs. Blank,
it's an awkward age.
I'm sure it will
all work out fine.
I just have to
figure out a way to
tighten the emotional
thumbscrews
so I can break her.
Thank you, Principal Blackman.
[DIAL TONE]
[DIALING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Humming ♪
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
You always take her side.
Why do I always have
to be the bad guy?
Sit still, I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Principal Blackman.
Just a minute.
Are you here?
Mr. Blank, I hope
you're sitting down.
I figured out a way to tighten
the emotional thumbscrews.
You see, if Jerri
doesn't cooperate
then you and your wife can't go
to Goodtime Island, either.
There's no need
to panic, Mr. Blank
Just get her to acquiesce and
That's an ugly word,
Mr. Blank!
Well, it's different
when we call each other that!
Damn cracker!
Remember, everybody,
the fun bus leaves tomorrow
at 12 noon sharp!
BOY: I heard it's
supposed to rain.
Not on Goodtime Island.
They'll just put up the
"Pleasure Dome."
Hey, has anybody heard
from Jerri Blank?
No no
No
That's too bad, she
usually enjoys pleasure.
I sure hope she comes.
GIRL:
What about her braces?
That's no reason to treat
her any differently.
I almost had to
get braces, once.
But at the last minute
the dentist realized
I had perfect teeth.
Now do you all
have your costumes?
I'm gonna be a jester!
I'm going to drive
with my eyes closed!
I'm not gonna
wear any underwear!
Fun! Fun!
Fun!
[SIGH]
Oh, Clawson, I don't
need Goodtime Island
as long as I have you.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You've succeeded in hurting me.
What are you talking about?
Thanks to your obstinance,
your father and I won't be able
to go to Goodtime Island.
Look at what you've
done to your father.
I'm sorry.
Well sorry doesn't
make it any better, but
Snitching does.
I think you ought to
turn in that girl.
She's the only one
who's been nice to me
since I got these braces.
And besides, you're
not my real mother.
Now, don't you run away
from me, young lady!
Get that
Stop it!
Cut it out!
Mom!
Clawson!!
Now look what you've done!
Ah, ah, arghh!
Well, let's give those
braces a good crank.
Hey, Jerri, why the long face?
I guess you heard
my awful news
What, about you being a snitch?
No, about Clawson
getting boiled!
Hey, how did you know
about my snitching problem?
I'm a dentist, Jerri.
People tell me things.
So what are you going
to do about Kimberly?
I'm guess I'm
going to turn her in.
They broke me, Doc.
My friends, my family,
the school.
They cracked me open
like a rotten molar.
What have I got to lose?
Only your integrity, Jerri.
Let me tell you a little story.
Y'know, when I was in
high school, I had polio.
I begged my mother not to tell
anyone, I was so embarrassed.
And you know what?
She didn't.
Not even the doctor.
That's why I have to
wear this leg brace
for the rest of my life.
And this brace serves as
a reminder of the power
of loyalty in a
world full of betrayal.
That's a beautiful story,
Doctor Link.
I bet if Principal Blackman
heard your special story
he'd let me go to
Goodtime Island.
Well, the Fun Bus
leaves in 15 minutes.
Let's forget the cranking.
Why don't you go on
down to school
and tell them
your special story.
Break a leg, Jerri!
[YELLING & CHEERING]
I've got something to say!
I've got something to say!!
Now, I don't want to
ruin y'alls fun
because I know
morality isn't sexy.
But I want you all to know
I can't go to Goodtime Island
because I won't turn snitch.
Alright, alright, alright, in
the old days I might have.
But I've changed.
People change
Changes.
I'm not the same Jerri Blank who
informed on those blind orphans.
I'm not the same Jerri Blank
who revealed the hiding place
of those Guatemalans,
such as yourself.
And I'm not the same Jerri Blank
who took a crap in the Fleishmanns'
holly bushes Last night.
I should be sitting on this bus,
but instead,
I'm going to be at home
with my dead lobster
And the knowledge
that I did right.
Thank you.
That was a
moving speech, Jerri
Now get off!!
Wait!
Clearly, she's retarded.
I mean if she wasn't
she wouldn't be a suspect
in the first place!
Pay dirt!
Noblet, cart her away.
Nice try, young lady.
I'm not retarded!
No oh!
I'm not retarded!
Jerri, take her place.
Well, what are you gonna do
once you get to Goodtime Island?
I'm gonna get laid!
[SCREAMING AND CHEERING]
Pleasure, hooooo!
Fun-ky beat ♪
funky-funky beat ♪
fun-ky beat ♪
funky-funky beat ♪
fun-ky beat ♪
f-funky beat ♪
fun-ky beat ♪
funky-funky beat ♪
fun-ky beat ♪
funky-funky beat ♪
funky beat ♪