Stripperella (2003) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Skip withers here
with breaking news.
A tense scene is developing
at the public library,
where sexy super-heroine,
Stripperella, is attempting
to diffuse a live bomb.
The situation began when
demolition workers mistakenly
placed the powerful explosive
on the library.
The building that was actually
intended for demolition
is that condemned
one across the street.
Stripperella, what's
going through your mind?
No time.
Live bomb, out of the way!
Darn it!
Hot coffee, coming through!
I don't know how
they're gonna get
those 30 orphans and
those adorable puppies
out of that collapsed cave.
Stripperella!
This purse is a real,
authentic, genuine Gucci.
It retails at over $2,000.
I, pushy galore, am offering
this purse to you today,
for the low,
low price of $19.95.
You would have to be an absolute
idiot not to buy this purse,
a complete chucklehead.
If a moron mated with
a mentally challenged monkey,
you would be the offspring.
Am I getting through to you?
Buy this purse, you won't
find a better deal.
That's why
everybody loves pushy!
That's right, two purses.
Oh, what the heck,
make it three.
I'll take one, too,
everybody loves pushy.
How does she sell all these
quality brand-name products
at such ridiculously low prices?
It's almost suspicious.
Like there's some greater story
behind the merchandise
she's selling.
But hey!
A deal's a deal.
Giselle, I ironed your g-string.
Whatever.
Oh, come on!
You're not still upset with me!
I told her she can't
breathe fire onstage.
Am I crazy?
You just don't understand me.
I wanna breathe fire
because it's a metaphor
for the creative creativity that
burns deep within my thighs.
Well, surely there must
be a less flammable way
to express yourself.
Ladies
Dirk McMahon!
What are you doing here?
Came to check out
the competition,
or should I say,
lack of competition?
Listen, anytime one of
you gorgeous broads
wants to come and work
for a real gentlemen's club,
you call me.
Especially you, Erotica.
Ugh, I wouldn't
work at silicone's,
even if I had children
Which I don't.
And they were kidnapped,
and the kidnapper said if I
wanted to see my kids again,
which I don't have,
I'd have to work at silicone's!
You can't just sashay in here
and try to steal
away my employees!
We're like a family here!
Mr. Dirk?
If I worked for you,
could I breathe fire?
As long as you're naked.
Then you've got
yourself a new dancer.
Giselle!
If you change
your mind, Erotica,
you know where to find me.
Ooh, come on, purse, come on.
Get here already.
Package from pushy galore.
My purse!
My face.
Hmm this doesn't
feel like a Gucci.
This this
This purse is a phony!
I'm telling you,
chief Stroganoff,
this purse is a fake.
Pushy galore is
selling knockoffs.
I should've suspected something.
I bought these Prada shoes and
matching hot pants from her,
and I'm extremely uncomfortable.
Oh, well, oh!
High heels are always
a little uncomfortable.
Right.
Thank god I'm not
a transvestite.
So what do we know
about pushy galore?
Let's bring in special agent 14.
He knows everything.
Send in special agent 14!
Stripperella, chief Stroganoff,
here's the 4-1-1
on pushy galore.
Before pushy galore made
her Mark in the fashion world,
she was a top genetic physicist
at the institute of genetics.
Also, pushy has legally adopted
more than 1,000 immigrants
from third-world nations,
all of which oh!
Apparently live with her,
but suspiciously have never
been seen in public.
Also, pushy galore
has been married 143 times.
Every one of her husbands
disappeared mysteriously,
shortly after their wedding day.
She's currently engaged to
celebrity fitness guru,
Richard Slimmons.
Ooh, that's me and
my wife making the love.
I'm sorry, I don't know
how that got in there.
Oh!
There's the happy couple.
One more thing.
Pushy galore has never
been seen without her coat.
Something smells fishy.
Oh, that's probably
Harvey, my trout.
You keep a trout in your pants?
Well, these new pants
don't have pockets.
I'd better get this
purse down to the lab,
so I can have it analyzed.
Richard Slimmons'
life could depend on it!
Let go of the microscope!
Hey, Hal, Bernard.
Hey.
Hi, Stripperella.
Check it out!
We just made these
X-ray specs for you.
Oh, yeah.
They're working.
Oh, boy, are they working.
Would you turn around, please?
Oh, my goodness, what's that?
Thanks, guys.
We also made you this
bulletproof nail file
and this invisible tape measure.
Hal!
Guys, this is really important.
I need you to analyze
this purse.
I'm positive
the purse is a fake.
I know fashion!
Umm
You're right,
the purse is a knockoff.
That evil woman.
What kind of monster
would do such a thing?
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard!
And apparently the purse
is made out of human flesh.
Okay, see, now that's the new
worst thing I've ever heard.
Oh, no!
Richard Slimmons.
Oww, oww
What do you think you're doing?
Packing fudge.
Sue Ann Lumpkin from Norfolk,
Nebraska, just lost 583 pounds!
And I'm rewarding her with
her favorite snack treat!
This is no time
for fudge packing.
You're supposed to be
rubbing this saddle soap
all over your body.
I have been.
It's just the saddle soap is
making my skin all leathery.
Just do it!
Honey buns, now
that we're married,
don't you think it's time I met
my 1,000 foreign stepchildren?
Or maybe get to see you
with your coat off?
Keep rubbing!
I'm going to make the final
preparations for your death
I mean, dinner.
Love you!
Okay, thank you.
That'll be all, thank you.
Appreciate your time, thank you.
Okay, or keep going.
Uh, yeah, okay,
she's a robot, I get it.
Thank you, you can go now!
Oh, I give up.
We'll never find
anyone to replace Giselle.
Excuse me, are you
still auditioning?
Rhythm, seductivity,
cleanliness, all excellent.
So tell me a little
about yourself.
Well, my name is Kat,
and I'm an Amish virgin.
You don't see many
Amish erotic dancers.
Or virgins.
I just want you to know that I'm
not interested in working here,
if there's gonna be any smoking,
excessive intoxication,
rudeness, or foul language.
You're hired!
Really, just like that?
Oh, thank you, good sir,
thank you so much!
Congratulations, I'm Persephone.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, save it, bitch.
You just make sure you
stay outta my way, got it?
Sheesh, something tells me
you are not Amish.
Or a virgin.
Let's hear who's on the line.
Hello, who am I speaking with?
Oh, um, this is Joan.
Lamp lamp-chair-wall-nerstein.
Well, miss
Lampchairwallnerstein,
do you want these shoes,
or are you gonna go
through life a big loser?
Oh, I want the shoes.
I was just wondering if I could
pick them up from you myself,
in person, at your secret,
undisclosed location.
I'm afraid not.
It's important that I keep my
location secret and undisclosed.
All right then.
I'd still like to order
a pair of those shoes.
I'm sorry, huge drunk guy, but I'm
afraid you're gonna have to leave.
Oh, yeah?
Who's gonna make me?
You are so funny, not to
mention interesting and handsome.
And that freakish growth
on the side of your head
is so sexy.
Uh-oh!
I think it's time to go to
the A.T.M. Machine again.
I'll be right here, tiger.
Grr
Sucker, like a girl
that looks like me
would be interested in a
pathetic piece of crap like you.
Persephone,
can you keep an eye out for
pushy galore's delivery guy?
I'm waiting for
a very special package.
It's a matter of life or death.
Did you just say it's
a matter of life or death?
No, that's not what I said.
Hey, isn't that the new girl?
I'd love to meet her.
Hi!
I'm Erotica.
Welcome to our little family.
Listen, sister.
I'm not here to make friends,
I'm here to make money.
And right now, you're
seriously wasting my time.
Oh huge drunk guy
punched me in the eye.
His hands were filthy!
I just know I'm gonna get some
sort of conjunctivitis or eye infection.
Oh, poor baby,
I'll take care of it.
I know an old Amish
virgin remedy.
Boy, what an antagonist.
Package for miss
lamp-chair-wall-nerstein.
Oh, I'm miss
Whatever that name was.
I can't thank you enough!
Whoa, thank you!
I'll never wash
this cheek again.
Well, at least not until
I get back to the secret,
undisclosed location I work at.
Lipstick tracking device,
don't fail me now.
Pushy, prepare to be whipped.
We are forced to
make things by hand
how we long for our foreign land
slave labor sucks
that's what we say
breaking our backs
for two cents a day
no sick days
no vacation
we wish we were back
in our third-world nation
That's why she's adopted
all those foreigners.
She's using them as slave labor.
This is awful!
Not to mention the fact that
they're terrible singers.
She's breeding animals
with designer logos.
Turning ex-husbands into fashionable
apparel and accessories is one thing.
But this is an atrocity!
Oh, poor little animals.
This all-purpose
Louis Vuitton skirt
can be used for just
about anything.
At a mere $12.95, you
can't afford not to own it.
Did you hear me, damn it?
Buy it!
Hold it right there.
Stripperella!
Pushy has been making
imitation designer clothes
from poor, genetically
mutated animals.
They have the designer
logos right on them.
So I created several
new species of animals
with designer hides,
what's the big deal?
It's a very big deal.
She's also been making
clothes out of human flesh.
Eww!
Give yourself up.
Tempting offer, darling, but no!
This is an Armani belt.
Bob Armani, my 73rd husband!
What the
Invisible tape measure.
Don't come any closer.
Richard Slimmons!
If you take one more step
Richard becomes
a designer blouse.
That's why you're
always wearing a coat.
Just a fringe benefit from my
days as a genetic physicist.
I guess now you can
call me Octo-pushy.
I want a divorce!
You know, all you had to do
was flip that switch back
to the off position.
Well, you gotta admit.
This was more dramatic
and super-heroey.
Now, wait here.
I'm gonna get me some pushy.
Hi-ya!
Ha, ha, Stripperella!
You will never
put me behind bars.
Where am I?
What is this place?
Oh, get off of me!
What are you doing?
My hair!
Get off of me, you.
What's wrong with you?
You love it, you.
And so pushy galore
is behind bars,
and Stripperella has
saved the day once again.
As for the freakish
designer animals,
Stripperella personally
delivered them
to an animal refuge,
where they will be tended to by
the newly freed slave laborers.
What a cute story.
I've just been told,
we have breaking news.
Skip withers is with us
live downtown, skip?
Thank you, Margo.
Hard-hitting reporting there.
I'm standing in front of
what used to be silicone's
gentlemen's club.
I've been told that it
gets pretty hot in there,
and tonight, tragically,
that is all too true.
Here's owner of
silicone's, dirk McMahon.
My club!
Why?
Why did that stripper
insist on breathing fire?
Hi, dirk, how do you feel?
How do I feel?
Feel this!
Goodness, gracious,
silicone's has burned down.
Oh, no, Giselle!
This is all my fault.
None of this would've
ever happened
if I'd just let
Giselle breathe fire here.
Giselle!
Oh, thank my lucky stars.
I don't suppose you're hiring.
We're not, but welcome back.
So since Giselle is
coming back to work,
this means you're going
to get rid of Kat, hmm?
Are you kidding?
We love her!
We're a big family here,
and there's room for everybody.
I guess you were right
about the fire breathing.
How do you feel about
chain-saw juggling?
I'll be real careful
I can't believe Kat is staying.
Well, maybe we'll
grow to like her.
She's mean, but it's not like
she's an evil super villain.
Not that I know what
it's like to deal
with an evil super villain.
Because I don't.
I'm just an ordinary
erotic dancer
with no affiliation to
crime fighting whatsoever.
I'd better go finish my dance.
Hmm