Stuck in the Middle (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, Mom, can I pudding you up? Harley, what is all this? Where did you get it, and when should I expect the police? Chillax.
It's legit.
Chillax? Legit? Okay, those words are not making me feel better.
Then let me switch on this relaxation machine as I explain.
(seagulls cawing, waves crashing) - (foghorn blasting) - That's not relaxing.
That's why I got it for free.
I've been contacting companies, giving a little feedback, and they've been giving me stuff in exchange.
As a loyal customer, I need to say, my latest package of your chocolate swirl was way more chocolate than swirl.
A free case? That would make me feel better.
So you got this from complaining.
Feedback.
Complaining feedback.
It's a fine line.
But as the middle child in a family with seven kids, I've learned the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
This applies to families and pudding.
Listen, I'm happy you're getting an "A" in gaming the system, but did you finish that big recycle/reuse science project that's due tomorrow? Would I be knee-deep in pudding if I hadn't finished it? Great.
Uh-oh.
I got so caught up in my free swag, I totally forgot about my science project, and that thing's worth 30% of my grade.
(elephant trumpeting) Mom's right.
Not relaxing.
(monkey squawking) Seriously not relaxing.
Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Try to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you I have to think of a science project fast.
So I need my invention bag.
It's full of wires, batteries, broken toys.
Junk to some people, but to me, awesomeness waiting to happen.
SUZY: Hey, Harls.
Come show me your science project.
- Now? - Sure.
Why not? A lot of reasons.
None she's going to like.
Um, okay, Mom.
Be right there.
Wear out of the house, change into on bus.
House, bus.
(knocking on door) - I need your help.
- No.
Let me rephrase.
I need a star.
Listening.
I entered a film competition where you have to make a short film in 12 hours.
I don't have 12 hours.
Neither do I.
I wasted ten on my first idea.
It was deep.
Pebbles thrown into a bucket of water.
Didn't turn out as good as it sounds.
It sounds terrible, and I'm not costarring with a bucket.
I got a new idea, and you won't be costarring with anyone.
It's a zombie movie, and you're the last woman on Earth.
Would the last woman on Earth be wearing the four-inch heels she just bought? You're gonna be running for your life, - so I don't think - I'm out.
Then again, zombies are slow.
Heels it is.
SUZY: Harley, hello.
I'd really like to see your science project.
This is bad.
You see, I'm the kid in the family who does things right.
Or at least I don't get caught.
I fly under the radar.
Like my report card.
Harley, don't even have to look.
Somebody earned a new bike.
Well, new to you.
Used to be Georgie's.
Flying under the radar gives me the freedom to do whatever I want.
without Mom and Dad all up in my business.
Five, six, seven.
That is all of 'em.
The best part of my day is the part that Mom and Dad don't know about.
Harley after dark.
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for hour six of Dance Dads All-Nighter.
Ooh, I'm all about that.
If Mom finds out I didn't do my project, I'll be on the radar.
Harley, I'm ready to be wowed.
I've been on hold with the internet company forever.
Does your project involve a rat trapped in a maze, because I can relate.
- Well - Oh, hang on.
I got someone.
Oh, thank goodness.
Finally, a human being.
Yeah, so I've got some items on my bill that I was calling to complain about and they disconnected me.
Hey, Harls, show me your project.
Calling to complain? That's my jam.
If I can get Mom back on that phone to mix it up with those guys, I can go figure out my project.
You're doing it all wrong.
Call them back and say the magic word.
Cancel.
- Then they'll pay attention.
- You think? I've got a room full of free stuff to prove it.
Squeaky wheel gets the grease.
I also got a free DVD of Grease.
RACHEL: Just putting on the finishing touches.
Almost ready.
It's happening.
Biggest event of the year.
Streaming live on the big screen in ten minutes.
Wrestle Smash 36: Knock yourselves out.
Oh, he does not mean that literally.
That's right.
Big Tom came to play.
We gotta move.
I've got less than two hours to finish and upload this thing.
(sighs) Finally.
Now, you enter to find your husband has been eaten by zombie birds.
Can I be the zombie bird? No.
The birds are a metaphor.
Ca-caw, ca-caw! I like my happy face more than my sad face, so do I have to be sad? Yes.
Your husband's dead.
Maybe I didn't like him.
Fine.
You come out the door to find your dead husband you didn't like.
All you find is this.
My husband would never wear a shoe like that.
That's why you didn't like him.
Action.
You're in my shot, weirdo.
I'm not weird.
I'm retro-walking.
It's a highly effective training regimen.
A hundred steps backward equals 1,000 steps forward.
Backwards, forwards, as long as you're leaving.
I need to kick up my fitness.
Molly Hooper's trying to take my place on the basketball team.
Don't you mean your place on the bench? Yeah, but I've got the prime seat next to the mascot.
A few weeks of this, and I'll put that forward-walking fool in her place next to the dirty towels.
Only 12,000 more steps to go today.
Yes! HARLEY: Mom's nice and busy.
Just need to get upstairs to my work desk and get my project on.
SUZY: Harley, come here.
Wow! You are rocking those shades.
Forget Mom.
You're a supermodel.
This is genius.
I'm getting free stuff just like you.
Tote bag! Let's cut to the chase.
Give me two years free or I cancel.
Whoa.
Slow your roll, Mom.
Take the tote, walk away.
Ridiculous? Let me tell you something, Mr.
Wi-Fi Provider.
I don't think you have the guts to cancel our Hello.
You don't think they'd actually cancel our (clamoring) Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi! We lost Wrestle Smash.
My film, I need to upload it.
Wait, the Wi-Fi is down? My life is over.
(clamoring continues) No Wi-Fi? The house will be destroyed.
You told me not to buy disaster insurance.
We can handle one afternoon with no Wi-Fi.
We've got books, board games, a jigsaw puzzle with at least three-quarters of the pieces in it.
We can entertain ourselves.
This family, all afternoon, without a screen.
We're going to the movies.
Perfect.
Now my project's the least of Mom's problems.
I can do it when we get back.
I'm golden.
Everybody get ready.
And Harley, I can't wait to see your project as soon as we get back.
This could be my worst nightmare.
Five, six Wait a sec.
- Harley! - (gasps) I don't like where this is going.
Whoo! Okay, I know it's not everyone's first choice, but we have to go to a movie that's Daphne-appropriate, so we'll be seeing Snoozle Berry Town.
Or as I call it, an expensive, uncomfortable upright nap.
Snoozle berries are lame.
I wanna watch a zombie movie.
Ca-caw, ca-caw.
I wanna film a zombie movie.
Ca-caw, ca-caw.
And again, we don't see the birds.
Ca-caw! Harley, you are on seat-saving duty.
- Can't.
Busy.
- Doing what? Nothing.
Except for, oh, I don't know, trying to come up with a science project without Mom knowing, which means that she can't see this.
Invention bag at home, cool.
Invention bag at the movies, sketchy.
She'll know.
Good-bye, Harley After Dark.
I did not wear enough clothes for seat saving.
A sock on a seat means taken.
How do you not know that? Bounce.
Sorry.
No outside food.
Gonna have to check that bag.
Oh, because all big families try to cause trouble and sneak food into the movies? That's called profiling, my friend.
Wrestle Smash on the road.
Chokehold at the movies.
- Ca-caw, ca-caw! - Drop Vin Diesel.
He does not wanna be a zombie bird.
I have no idea who they are.
You appear to have something bulky in that jacket.
Nope.
Bulk's all me.
Seven kids does a number on a gal.
(nervous laughter) Who put packaged snacks in my vest? I have no idea who she is.
Sorry.
That seat is taken.
And that one.
And that one.
Maybe come back for the 7:15.
I can't think with all these interruptions.
This is why scientists work in a lab, and not a multiplex.
- Harley.
- Whoa! I'm on high alert here.
I thought you were Mom.
Sorry.
Just looking for an outlet.
Apparently, the last woman on Earth can survive an apocalypse but not frizzy hair.
I may have to go plug this thing in at the tire shop next door.
- That's perfect.
- Not really.
They're probably gonna make me buy rims first.
No, I mean my science project.
A motion-powered flatiron for girls on the go.
Did someone say girls on the go? 'Cause I'm movin' on up to the retro-jog.
Eat my dust, Molly Hooper! I'm okay.
I'm taking it back to the retro-walk.
Can we at least try a rehearsal while I'm waiting on your flatiron? I'm looking like a stalker out here.
What are you wearing?! This is zombie apocalypse, not zombie prom.
I want to look good for my dance number.
Who's dancing? Your husband's guts just got pecked out by zombie birds.
Yeah, I had a couple of thoughts about that dead husband thing.
It's kind of a bummer for the music I chose.
There's no music! How am I supposed to dance without music? You know what? I've got ten minute to shoot and upload this thing.
Whatever you wanna do.
- (sighs) - Action! Ca-caw, ca-caw! Cut! Sorry.
Just taking Daphne to the bathroom.
Great.
Now I have to go.
Don't be so judge-y.
At least mine's a pizza.
Yes! This thing looks like it might actually work.
But I've learned, you never know until you test it.
Like my rocket-powered high tops.
This is a motion-powered hair straightener, which means I have to be in motion to test it.
No, no.
Shoo! Enjoy the movie.
This is a problem.
SUZY: Harley.
Correction.
This is a problem.
If Mom catches me, it's lights out.
I'm busted.
I'm surrounded by evidence.
I'm wearing evidence.
Don't move, Harley.
Maybe she'll think you're asleep.
No! Yes.
Take her out, Georgie, take her out, Georgie, take her out, take her out, take her out! Oh! No! (yelling) - Yes! - Boys! Sorry, Mom.
You got Wrestle Smashed.
I'll go get more drinks.
You boys scrape that popcorn off the floor and back into the buckets.
Hurry.
Georgie, retro-jog your butt over here.
This is a motion-powered hair straightener.
I need you to test it for me.
Wait.
You want me to walk backwards while holding a super hot iron to my head? I'm in.
No questions, just give me more money for drinks.
Fine, but we're a hot dog away from dipping into the kids' college fund.
Rachel, you ready? Getting down to the wire here.
Ready.
Okay.
Last woman on Earth, and action.
Hey, everybody, it's Sassy Sunday, and I'm talking about makeup that brings you from day to night.
Who's everybody? You're the last woman on Earth.
Sh.
Me time.
I've gotten lots of comments about transitional brows.
Brows? Sassy Sunday? - How is this a zombie movie? - It's not.
Never was.
- We're doing an entry for my fashion blog.
- What?! Like I'd spend an afternoon on a zombie movie.
Grow up, Ethan.
Sassy Sunday! Ca-caw! Fun! Dance party! Whoo! We gotta go.
Movie's starting.
Come on, Georgie.
Straight hair, Georgie.
Come on, Georgie, let's see that project working.
Oh! I blew it! How could I have been so Awesome! I crushed it.
Yes! Whoa! No.
You crushed it.
Don't worry, Harley.
It looks worse than it is.
Actually, no, it is really bad.
Hand me that tub.
I may throw up.
Uh, Tom, this doesn't seem like Snoozle Berry Town.
I'm sure the snoozle berries will sneak out right from behind that tombstone.
(screaming) Did you buy tickets for the wrong movie? It appears I did, but we've sunk several hundred dollars into this and there's no Wi-Fi at home.
- Good point.
- (screaming) - I'll get the car.
- I'll meet you there.
Everyone, cover the eyes of the person next to you.
So this is how it ends.
Good-bye, living room after dark.
We've had some fun nights together.
I feel ya.
My zombie movie got turned into some kind of dance party/fashion tutorial.
On the bright side, Rachel told me it already got 75 likes.
Mom wants to see my science project as soon as she's done putting frozen peas on Georgie's ankle, and I got nothing.
I thought we were being bummed out together here.
Sorry.
During all that waiting for Rachel, I got some funny behind-the-scenes footage of the family.
They would totally crack up.
Maybe they can.
Give me ten minutes.
(laughing) Hey, everybody, it's Sassy Sunday.
Sassy Sunday! Ca-caw! (laughter) Maybe we should be a tag team instead.
We're going straight to the top.
Pass the sour bears.
Oh, great projector, Harley.
I knew you were gonna have a killer recycle/reuse project.
The key is getting an early start.
Anything you'd like to tell me? Oh, I need these peas.
I raided the pantry for my gift basket, and that's all that's left for dinner.
Uh-oh, you're dressed in black and carrying a basket? Did someone die? Yes.
Our Wi-Fi.
Apparently, the company is no longer taking phone calls from Suzy Diaz, so I'm going down there with some delicious treats to woo them back.
Deviled ham? And it's expired.
So are the canned peaches.
But look at the pretty bow.
Daphne, come on! Let's go! No one can say no to a sweet little girl.
Wrestle Smash 15: Zombie Bird Throwdown! Ca-caw! What happened to that nice dress I put you in? Zombie birds don't throw down in dresses.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Maybe they'll feel sorry for me.
Let's go.
(shrieking)