Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e04 Episode Script
The West Coast Delay
Previously on Studio 60: What's your problem? After we broke up, I went out with somebody else? - That's what almost always happens.
- Not someone from where I work.
I think you know how The Smoking Gun got tipped to the DUl.
A guy named Ryan Mulrooney? When I was 25, we were married for nine months.
- He's shopping a book.
- You want us to quit? - Badly.
You think it's gonna happen? - Not a big chance, no.
- How big a problem is it gonna be? - Not gonna be.
- It will if you're in love with her.
- I'm not.
I'm not.
Ninety seconds.
That's what he's asked for.
Ninety seconds of material from the writers' room.
Was the request patronizing and a veiled insult? I think so.
- I don't think the insult was that veiled.
- Me neither.
But not being able to contribute is a good way to demonstrate that we're people who should be insulted.
- Heh.
- What? - It is.
We have to produce something! - May I actually ask to? - No.
If I may ask to re-pitch a sketch about McDeere? - No.
- I agree.
The DUl, the Christian right, the joke about cocaine the book, the marriage, the sex clubs.
Nothing about hiring back Matt and Danny.
Everybody's doing it, we'll look ridiculous if we don't.
Jay, Conan, Dave.
SNL did it 24 hours after we did nothing.
If we'll do a sketch calling the president of this network a sex addict I'm not the one to write it.
- What else? - It's self-deprecating.
- Lf we were drunken sex addicts.
- What else?! I've got something.
- What? - I think I've got something.
Hal, do you feel that this is the right time to pitch me something that blows? - No.
- So you're willing to take that chance? - Let me see it.
- It's for Simon.
Either as a sketch or he can do it as an editorial in News 60.
"At schools today all the kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD.
In my day you were just stupid.
'What's wrong with my son? Oh, him? He's stupid.
' Next! ' America is the most overweight.
We've got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs.
If you wanna mess with somebody's head, drop a cruise missile and a couple of tons of Hot Pockets on their ass.
" This is it.
Let's everybody get to work on this.
Way to go, Hal.
What? - Matthew? Out here.
- Are you busy? - I'm choking.
- You want me to come back? - No.
What do you need? - Listen.
- Yeah.
- I wanna move on.
- Go ahead.
What do you mean? I want closure, and I want to move on.
- Are you talking about us? - Yes.
- We broke up.
- Yeah.
How much more closure are you looking for? I want you to tell me that you have no intention of trying to win me back.
- Well, we have a problem there.
- Yes, I know.
You're a northeastern Jewish liberal atheist and I'm a Southern Baptist who believes that you're going to burn in hell.
Two problems.
You're my boss.
You think that's an insurmountable obstacle.
What will happen when I give you a note you don't like? Or give Jeannie a sketch you want? Or a sketch you shouldn't have gotten? I didn't come up to convince you otherwise.
I just wanted to hear it.
So we have closure.
- Yes.
- We are closed.
Heh.
You feel all right about it? I'd feel better if you appeared even a little ambivalent.
I'm extremely ambivalent.
What I'm exhibiting are leadership skills.
Well done.
- Is that for me? - It is.
I wanted to give you a non-romantic present.
You did two great shows in a row.
Well, it doesn't get a lot less romantic than a baseball bat.
It's signed by Darren Wells.
"You're a big hit.
Darren Wells.
" How'd you get this? - You really wanna know? - Yeah.
Ironically, I got it when I sang the national anthem at the Dodgers game.
- You asked him for it? - He gave it to me.
- When? - After I sang.
- Wait.
He gave this to you? - He did, and I'm giving it to you.
"You're a big hit," he was talking about you.
He liked the way I sang.
I'm giving it to you because I like the way you write.
Yeah, but I think we're skipping over a part.
- I'm passing it on.
- Harry? - Yeah.
- He wrote his phone number on here.
- What do you mean? - He wrote his phone number here.
- Didn't see it? - That's his phone number? What did you think it was? I just thought it was his uniform number, they sign their name and write the number.
Yeah, they do do that.
You thought his uniform number was 3,106,786,5 He was asking you out! Now that I've had time to reflect upon it, you might be right.
- Do you? - Yes.
Yeah, you gave me a used cocktail napkin, basically.
You think I don't know that men are interested in you? Wait, I didn't give it to you on purpose.
Put a ribbon, knocked on my door and handed it to me.
I wasn't trying to make you jealous.
Has he asked you out? - Hmm? No.
- Has he asked you out? - Okay - Yes, he has.
We've had dinner and He's coming to the show Friday.
I lied for a second but then I realized that I couldn't.
- Because you're a good Christian girl.
- No, because I'd get caught, I always do.
I didn't give you the bat to zatz you.
I like how he signs a bat instead of a ball.
Like he's a slugger.
He's a pitcher.
You know his job when he comes to the plate? Stick his bat out, hope for the off-chance that ball will hit it on its way to the catcher's mitt.
- It was an honest mistake.
- Really? You can accuse me of being dumb but not sinister.
How about manipulative? Skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous, trust me, you'd be jealous.
- I am jealous! - Well, then bonus for me! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Matt.
We got something.
It's good.
- It's for Simon, a News 60 segment.
- Ninety seconds.
- Are we done? - I'm certain we're not.
Yeah.
This is funny.
Your executive dining room is open for dinner? Figure if I'm gonna make people work late.
He's self-publishing it on the Internet.
There'll be some mortifying things.
More than drunk driving and sex clubs? - He'll make stuff up.
- Why? - There's a good living in it.
- What's the NBS Burger? - It's a hamburger.
- How is it prepared? Here in the kitchen of the dining room at NBS.
Gotcha.
Thanks.
This is my assistant, Kevin Yu.
Kevin, this is Martha O'Dell.
- I read you every week.
- Thank you.
I spoke with Danny Tripp's office, you can come by in the morning anytime.
What would possess me to marry him? Did I not have a friend who would tackle me on my way down the aisle? Don't know, if we'll talk about it, we're going on the record.
- We're not, this isn't about me.
- Then I have to ask you.
- What? - What's the NBS Salad? - Some of these are pretty intuitive, Marty.
- I'm not as smart as people think I am.
- Now, she tells us.
- It is about you.
You flipped off half the country and the TV business on your first day.
I wasn't flipping anybody off.
You can be a woman, look like you do, have the power, but not all at the same time.
You manage it, and you take on the right twice a week in print.
I take on the left too and I don't manage it, I just don't care about it.
Google me, you'll find a lot worse than a DUl in Sag Harbor.
- I know.
- Trust me, it's like seasickness.
You think you're gonna die and everybody else just thinks it's funny.
I do trust you.
- You'll have to go on the record eventually.
- Eventually.
So, is that my answer? Shelly and I think it's a good idea, but Matt and Danny'll have to think it's a good idea.
- We'll see them.
- What should I know? These are two decent guys who have good reason to fear the press.
What's the best way to make a first impression? - Yeah.
- Easy as pie.
I figured.
"America is gearing up for another hurricane season.
This year's storms threaten to be worse than last year when thousands of families were forced to flee their homes.
" - Feel free to use my dressing room anytime.
- Thanks.
"Spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers has guaranteed levees will be ready to protect building projects from surges of water and black people.
" - Taking long to get there.
- It is.
See that? That was piling on.
She was right, I knew it, you knew I knew it and yet you went in for the late hit.
- You give him the bat? Did he like it? Yes.
Not sure.
Hard to tell from the way he was shoving it up my ass.
I didn't know that Darren wrote his phone number on the bat.
- He knows that you went out with him? - Dinner.
He's coming.
Not the same as him sleeping with someone who I work with.
You know I'm sitting right here? His defense was, "We broke up, I'm allowed to date people.
" So I'm curious to find out how that rule is only applied unilaterally.
We'll never know, he only has conversations when he gets to write what everybody says.
You know what I think? I think this.
Let me just say this: - It takes me a long time to get there? Simon - Come in without knocking.
- Look at this.
We'll do it as an editorial.
The reason Darren Wells and I get along well is that he likes to both talk and listen.
Or they both have roughly the same chance of getting a hit in a baseball game.
- I loathe you.
What do you think? It's all right.
I've got some of my own stuff I can - Yeah, do this.
It's from Ricky and Ron.
- It was the room.
Okay.
I've still got 12 and a half minutes to write, I'll be in my office.
- Matt, you need me to help? - I'm gonna be all right.
I'm getting something going on Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis but I'm not getting any traction.
- Actually, I meant with Harriet.
- What are you talking about? - This is what happened with Paula and me.
- What is? She gave you a brushback pitch, she gave you a chin music.
- She didn't do it on purpose.
- You believe her? - No.
- A purpose pitch, she threw at your head.
Are you using a baseball metaphor? No, but it's a nice coincidence.
This is exactly what happened with Paula.
- Started dating a baseball player? - A cardiologist, like that's hard to be.
She doesn't like the guy, she's moving you off.
You feel crazy, the way she feels and wants you to feel.
- I don't feel crazy.
- Professional athlete.
- Physically superior to you.
- I feel a little crazy.
That's right, and that's why you're having trouble writing the last 12 minutes.
I've never needed a special reason to have trouble writing, but what's your point? - This is pure Strindberg.
- August Strindberg? Right out of The Father.
Scariest play.
How did we move from baseball to Strindberg? We did.
Wife drives the husband crazy.
He goes mad because he never regains the upper hand.
He goes mad because the wife plants it that their child might not be his.
- Exactly.
- What are you talking about? Pick yourself up, don't brush the dirt off your uniform stand in and blast the next pitch back into Paula's face.
- Harriet's face.
- Yes.
Why don't you just call her? He goes mad at the end of the play, it's a very disturbing sight.
I'd like to be your wingman.
I appreciate that, but I'm not flying anymore You need a wingman and you've always been mine.
- I have? - You could start.
Okay, call Paula.
- This isn't about me.
- It is.
You'd talk to Danny except Danny thinks you and Harry are a problem for the show.
- This is true.
- I'll say this.
The Bombshell Babies are at the Roxy through Sunday.
Two shows a night.
You want me to give her an autographed boot with the phone number of a Bombshell Baby? - We're on the same page.
- Why don't you get some sleep? Need a copy of collected works of Strindberg? I've got my own.
Get some sleep.
- I'll crash in my dressing room.
- You could go home.
Let me know if you need help with Meet the Press.
- Thanks.
Maisy! - Yeah.
- Did I just call you? - Yeah.
I don't know why.
You want some coffee or something to eat? - No, thanks.
- Okay.
Know about the baseball player Harriet's been seeing? I got him tickets for the show.
You're gonna have to be punished for that.
They just met.
He's just a rebound guy.
Don't let it make you nuts.
Yeah.
Too late.
Would you call over to the stage door at the Roxy and tell the doorman that I'm coming by to see Wendy? I'll be back in a half hour.
- Are you gonna do something stupid? - It would certainly appear that way.
Get some sleep.
- Matt! - You guys were great.
Hey, Matty! - Hey.
- Wendy? - I see you.
I just need you for a second and then I'll be out of your way.
I never wanted you out of my way, remember? - I do.
- Matty.
- Hey.
- Your first two shows have been great.
- You and Danny are the talk of the town.
- Oh, thanks, I appreciate it.
- You like the wardrobe? - I listen only for the articles.
- What do you need? - I need a favor.
- What favor? - I'd like one of your boots.
- I'm sorry? My boots? - That you're wearing right now.
And I need you to sign it, "Call me, baby" with the comma after "me" and you add your measurements.
- Sure.
- You don't want to know why? Oh.
I just did two shows, you want a therapy session now? - No.
- Good.
Here, you can use this pen.
It's just a joke.
Harry gave me a bat signed to her by Darren Wells.
- The pitcher? - Yeah.
- He's hot.
- Yeah, thanks for the therapy.
Was he hitting on her? He wrote his number on the bat.
She thought it was his uniform number.
- Maybe she did.
- Twelve, 22, seven these are the numbers you see on athletes.
They don't typically run to 10 digits.
- You're using me to make her jealous? - Yeah, does that bother you? No, you know what bothers me? - What? - That this is lame.
No, the beauty is the comma after "Call me.
" See, "Oh I thought you said, 'Call me Baby" like that's the nickname she wanted me to call her" when it's, "Call me, baby.
" Holy God, this is lame, what in hell is the matter with me? This is what I'm talking about.
Listen to me, just grab her and stamp her down.
- I can't stamp her down.
- Kiss her.
Grab her and kiss her.
- I knew what it meant, I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
Wendy, I can't, I'm the guardian of the employment of about 150 people.
There are also issues having to do with the fact that she's insane.
You would know about sanity because you're here on a Thursday getting a boot signed.
You know, I'm not sure you got the comma.
I got it.
- So this is lame, right? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You looked great out there tonight.
Thanks.
- I'm gonna go back and write some more.
- I know.
Once again, the Bombshell Babies! - I need her.
Let's go.
One more.
- You should take the boot.
- Again, thank you.
Guys, ready to go.
Thanks.
Ooh.
Sorry.
Oh, perfect.
- I'm up.
- Know what you had me doing last night? Hang on, did a basketball just come flying by my head? - I've never felt so stupid in my life.
- Did you get the boot? I gave back the boot.
Along with most of my dignity.
I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me.
Wish you'd put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed.
- Hey, wait.
Seriously - What? Is this hard? When she's performing.
If I subscribed to this, I'd swear God was messing with me.
She believes the world was created in six days and that's not even among the top three reasons we're not together.
How much evidence do you need that two people are wrong for each other? Except when I watch her onstage.
Your chest hurts? Yeah.
- God.
- What? It's great when we talk like this.
- Yeah, well, we're done now.
- Yeah.
You gonna have time after Meet the Press to get out and in for News 60? - What is it, 2:20? - Yeah.
- I can make the change.
- Really? - Unless you want me wearing clothes.
- I don't.
Take it from where you were.
All right, here we go.
And action! Hi, I'm Juliette Lewis and this is Meet the Press.
- Danny.
Jordan's here.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi, you don't look very good.
That's nice of you, but don't say it unless you mean it.
- You look tired.
- I haven't been sleeping.
What's keeping you up? Listen, Martha O'Dell is waiting outside.
Outside what? - Outside this office right here.
- Why? Vanity Fair's asked her to do a story on the show and the regime change.
- Shelly wants it and so do I.
- Good.
All we've been missing here is a reporter walking around.
- She's not just any reporter.
- Things happen around here.
People blowing smoke out their office windows.
Tell me nobody's getting high in this building.
Shocked that drugs are a part of late-night comedy? "The Coneheads"? "Toonces the Driving Cat"? Think Belushi and Farley died from Lou Gehrig's Disease? Tell me it's not happening here.
It's not happening here.
One night's sleep I'd like to get.
What's your pitch? Lt'll be for August, the ultimate beach reading issue.
to marketers as alpha consumers.
Alpha consumers are the first to know, the first to try and to buy.
They are influencers and pleasure seekers.
The typical vF reader is college-educated and lives in a household with a six-figure income.
Are you getting this off a crib sheet? - Yes.
- Jordan You can lose five regular consumers, replace them with one Alpha Consumer and I can charge the same ad rates, you understand what I'm saying? - Bring her in.
- You're gonna like her.
I've known her a long time.
She's very Marty? Very what? Danny Tripp, this is Martha O'Dell.
It's great to meet you, I'm a big fan.
So am I.
I loved the two movies and the shows so far have been very sharp.
Thank you.
Why don't we go down the hall? Matt's gonna have to sign off on this too.
I understand you're gonna deliver us influencers and pleasure seekers.
- Is that what a Pulitzer Prize gets you? - I have two.
- You want full access? - Nothing less.
- Matt! Yeah? Nice rack, by the way.
Tell Jordan I'm not 15.
- Matt, say hello to Martha O'Dell.
- Hi.
- See, Matt, on the other hand.
- Yeah.
- I'm Matt Albie.
- I know, it's nice to meet you.
Martha wants to do a long-lead cover for vanity Fair.
I've gotta keep filing my columns from D.
C.
But I'd be out here every few weeks, a few days at a time.
Full access, you okay with that? - Uh, uh Yeah, sure.
Good.
When do you want to start? - I did five minutes ago.
- Give me a second and I'll show you around.
- Great.
- It'll be fun.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Have a good show tonight.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
- Listen - Really? One of her readers is worth five of our viewers.
That would give her a perceived air of superiority.
No, it's an actual air of superiority.
We need her more than she needs us.
- I know how you love being in that position.
- But I'll cowboy up.
Wanna get breakfast? No, I'm gonna stay and work.
- Is that a new bat? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Harry gave that to me.
- Gave you a bat? - Yeah, signed by Darren Wells.
- A pitcher signed a bat? - Better than a ball.
It's a bat.
- Anything on your mind? - No.
- Sure you don't wanna come to breakfast? - No, still got 2:20 to fill.
When we get back, something funny will happen.
I don't write the news, can't wait for something funny to happen.
I have to make something funny happen.
Well, you're the best.
I don't care if people remember who she is, Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis is funny.
It's gonna work fine.
Unless she gets many laughs and we'll have a problem.
This is new.
Let's worry about getting many laughs.
- It's true.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I wanted to tell you, it means a lot to Ricky and Ron you're letting me do their stuff.
It's not bad, and you killed with it at dress.
Would you recognize Darren Wells if you saw him? - The pitcher? - The pitcher.
If we're calling him that.
With a career record of 7 and 15 with an ERA 6.
26 and one win in his last 8 decisions.
He's got a walk-to-strikeout ratio that could only be impressive in T-ball and once tore a rotator cuff drying his hair with a towel.
- They've been out once.
- You knew? - Yes.
- And you didn't tell me? He probably thought it would distract you.
He was wrong.
You see the board? The show's done and it's good.
I know it's good.
Between writing the show and getting a stiletto boot signed I'm surprised you had time to memorize his stats.
- How did you know about that? - A stiletto boot? - I miss nothing.
- There he is.
He's big.
- It's not hard to be big.
That's right.
Let's see this guy make the dean's list as a Contemporary Dramatic Lit major.
Fairy.
What kind of mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression? Same kind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert's chair.
Let's go start the show.
And be careful, will you? because between here and there, there might be windows made of glass.
Jordan? - Yeah.
- You wanted these too.
- Oh, thanks.
- Shelly Green's office just called.
- God, what now? Ryan's going on Geraldo.
- When? - Monday night.
Well, sharks gotta swim, bats gotta fly, I'm gonna get screwed by this man till I die.
- You mind if I ask you something? - What? - Some stuff is true, some he's making up.
- Yeah.
So why not at least put out a piece of paper saying: "This one is true, this he made up, this one is true.
" Why not at least do that? I'd look like an idiot, I'd prolong the story I'd take it to a new level by commenting and mostly I'd help him sell books.
- Well, you're taking it well.
- Thank you.
Are you going home? No, I'll go over to Studio 60, check on Martha.
Okay.
- Monday? - Yeah, I'll see you Monday.
No, he'll be on Geraldo, Monday? My ex-husband? - Yeah.
- Okay.
At schools today, all the kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD.
When I went to school there was just stupid.
"What's wrong with my son? 'Oh him? He's stupid.
' Next!" America's also the most overweight nation in the world.
We've got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs.
- What are you doing? I'm listening.
Why aren't you watching? - Why? - Lf I don't attach the voice to the face - It doesn't matter.
- Okay, I didn't care anyway.
- I'm Simon Stiles.
- And I'm Harriet Hayes, that's the news.
- We're out.
- Ninety seconds back.
Stand by.
I've got us right on it, Cally.
Tom will blow that to hell with Dr.
Phil though.
You and Matt are worried about people laughing too much.
I'm worried about they turn off the electricity at 10:00.
- How's Matt liking it? - I don't know, he's wandering.
- Why? - He's in love.
Okay.
Thirty back.
- Ricky.
Ron.
Hey, hey.
Good show so far.
Your stuff in the news killed.
I wanted to say nice job.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
You think you could mention to Matt that you liked it? Heh.
It's not gonna matter to Matt if I liked it, only if he liked it.
We should be overseeing the news.
One show at a time.
I thought it was a big step that he gave you 90 seconds.
We're used to running the show, It was a big step for him.
Ninety seconds is enough to feel pride of authorship.
Thanks.
Good job, man.
That's how we do it downtown, baby.
Ahem.
Do me a favor, don't write down the "baby," that just came out.
Look, I can't get involved in my own story but you need to see this.
- I was surfing the net - You need full access to surf the? To get real time reaction to the show and this was posted a few minutes after News 60 came down.
It looks like a home movie of a comic at a club called The Laugh Factory and there's a date stamp it was taken almost a year ago.
At schools today, kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD.
In my day, you were just stupid.
"What's wrong with my son? 'Oh him? He's stupid.
' Next!" America is the most overweight nation in the world.
We've got so much food here we're dropping it along with the bombs on other countries.
It's Danny.
Let the audience go but nobody else leaves the building.
I need Jordan McDeere, I need Legal, the Broadcast Center.
We've got a problem.
Thank you.
- Good show.
- Good show, man.
- Where you going? - What? I'm going.
I'm going to her dressing room and I'm stamping her down.
- Why? - Because one of The Bombshell Babies gave me good advice.
- I dare you to say that again.
If Bombshell Babies know anything it's - Dancing! - Romance.
- They need you upstairs.
- In a minute.
The show came down, you watched her and it's your most vulnerable time.
- Maybe so.
- Don't you think she knows that? - Like a free Strindberg Festival! - Nothing to do with Strindberg.
- When Paula and I broke up - You broke up because she never saw you.
- We never leave here.
- That's not true.
- Friday night was date night.
- Show night.
- We'd have date night at the wrap party.
- She's a doctor, went to college for years.
She doesn't want to compete for your time.
- Sir, they're waiting for you upstairs.
- I will be up in a minute.
Aside from all that, you're her boss.
I was thinking about that and that's ridiculous.
It's not.
What about the couples, Vincente Minnelli and Judy Garland? - Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.
- Things worked out for them.
- The Carpenters.
- Siblings, but she's dead.
If Harriet dies, I can live with that.
What I can't live with Harry, can we get a picture of you two? Wait, hang on.
- We can use it or not use it.
It's up to you.
Are you okay? Matthew.
Matt.
- No, I was just Am I allowed to pick this up, or does it have to be - Sir? a union grip or something? - They need you upstairs, something's - Hang on.
No, yeah, I just came downstairs to say great show.
Darren, I'm Matt Albie, I'm a big fan.
I saw you pitch against the Mets in July and they couldn't touch you.
- That was a good game.
- Yeah.
- Matt - Man, you made me laugh tonight.
- Yeah, no, it was them.
- It was him.
Something's happened.
What? Danny needs you upstairs right now.
Something's happened.
Excuse me.
You really want to mess with someone's head drop a cruise missile and a ton of Hot Pockets on their ass.
- How did it happen? Material came from the room.
- What do you wanna do? - Whatever Matt tells us.
Whatever he tells us to do, Jordan.
This is his.
Accusing a writer of plagiarism.
- You said it wasn't him - It doesn't matter if it's true or not.
You might accuse him of being a sex offender.
An immediate press release worded however he wants, an apology whatever he tells us to do.
We'll have to break out the West Coast tape delay with a re-written News 60 again live.
- The whole thing? I can't CGI Simon and Harriet into the taped segment.
Gotta do the thing at what? - 0013, I think.
What's going on? All right, listen.
- You know a stand-up named Lenny Gold? - No.
The 90 seconds from Ricky and Ron on News 60? There's video on the Internet of the guy doing it almost verbatim at The Laugh Factory almost a year ago.
It looks like an open mic night or something, I don't We'll break into the tape delay and do News 60 live again.
Get this guy on the phone.
If he's anywhere near here, we're gonna invite him and do it on camera.
Interns are on the phones.
He should be easy to find, there aren't many Lenny Golds in L.
A.
- Lf we can't find him? - I'll write another 90 seconds but the first 30 will be an explanation and apology.
We're also trying to get Legal on the phone.
We should wait for them.
We're not waiting.
When you get Legal, ask what they think the settlement will be in the copyright infringement suit we're all gonna be named defendants in.
What about the audience? There isn't gonna be one.
It's a 4:50 segment, it's gonna be pretty dry.
- I can laugh it.
- We're not using the box.
All right, Lilly? Here's what you do.
Find everybody who's not doing something, send them out on the street with $20 bills.
We only need to fill the center.
- You go start writing.
- I need to tell Simon.
All right.
Bring a couple of guys to tie him down.
Gotta phone the center in New Jersey.
Broadcast Center is in New Jersey? It's inspiring the network president doesn't know that.
- I'm new.
- Bayonne, New Jersey.
They send it to a satellite which you keep in outer space.
- Hey! - The seven-second delay.
How does the math work, we add 7 seconds? We subtract seven seconds.
- We add it.
- We subtract it.
Taped broadcast happens 7 seconds later in the West than live in the East.
That's why you subtract seven seconds.
- You don't add it? - Oh, and this has me bathed in confidence.
We're fine.
I'm gonna go have a conversation with Ricky and Ron.
- This is gonna work? - Sure.
- Done it before? - Hundred times.
No.
Never.
But I can't think of what the problem be.
- What could possibly go wrong? - There you go.
We heard.
We're going to talk to Matt and we want you to know - What the hell happened? - Hey! Who was it, Ricky? I know it wasn't the two of you who handed that up.
It was the room and we take responsibility.
Sixteen writers don't get together and collectively rip somebody off, who was it? - I'm not gonna tell you.
- Ricky You are gonna tell me because I want someone's ass on my desk! If I find out it was on purpose, I'll get a lot more than that.
They didn't do it on purpose, there's no way.
- Who was it, Ron? - I'm sorry, Danny, I'm not gonna tell you.
We are taking full responsibility, and we'll resign if you want.
Lilly's collecting cash to go out and buy an audience.
- See if you can help her.
- Yeah.
Give me a name.
- Simon - A description.
- It doesn't matter.
How are we doing this? After Meet the Press, we'll have a c-break, we'll come back punch in News 60 live.
There'll be an explanation and an apology at the top, then we'll go into our jokes.
- All right.
- All right.
We need to be able to prove it's live.
- Maisy! A sports score.
- Yeah.
Have somebody stay on a game and Simon will give the current score.
It'll be after midnight in the West and after 3 a.
m.
In the East, is anybody playing? Somewhere in the world, there is a sporting event.
Have someone stay on top of the score.
I bussed tables at Hamburger Hamlet till 11 then I worked six clubs a night for $ 10 a set and a free drink.
- In my life, I never stole a joke.
- And you didn't tonight either.
I did.
- Matt? - I gotta go to my office.
That was awful what happened.
It took me by surprise too.
I opened the door and he kissed me.
I was gonna rush in to help when I saw you struggling.
- Can you stop walking? - I'm in the middle of something.
- You said - Date the Los Angeles Lakers, I don't care.
I understand.
Harriet and Simon to the stage please.
If it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis.
That's our floor manager, Nadine.
Hi, Nadine.
This morning, my guests are Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and the democratic junior high senator from New York, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
- How does something like this happen? - It doesn't usually.
I hope you've noted all the steps we can think of to correct it.
- I've noted that.
- Think of anything we're not doing? - No.
- Note that.
- I don't work for you, I'll note what I want.
- Note it! - I'm noting it.
But I don't see you So how does something like this happen? Matt didn't start in TV, so he has a harder time writing with a group.
I told him last week I wanted him to start getting the other writers into the game.
Rick Tahoe and Ron Oswald are the co-execs in charge of the room.
They gave him this material and Matt did what I told him to do.
- That seems reasonable.
- Well, write down that it's reasonable.
How about if you write the piece and I just put my name on it? - Allowed to do that? - No.
- So you were just mocking me then.
- Yeah.
- Harry? - Yeah.
Sit down next to him and calm him down.
No point in doing this if he'll eat the desk on camera.
- Yeah.
Sir? - And Harry? Isn't Matt's psycho-obsession with you problematic for us without you making out with baseball players.
- I was as surprised as - Harry? Is it time for? Go to the desk.
But you know that? Yeah.
We're at commercial break.
Stand by, everybody.
At the table.
Checklist.
You know where I grew up, if this had happened? There'd be a meeting and everybody would be there.
The guy would have to sit and listen while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character.
That's what would have happened where I grew up except we would've driven by the guy's house and shot him.
- There's more that unites than divides us.
Right this way, everybody.
This way.
Oh, good, our audience is here.
Okay, we're two minutes out.
- Guys in the red bandanas, are they Crips? - No, they're Bloods.
- Are we insured for this? - I don't know, but I wouldn't think so.
Move the woman in the fishnet top she's not wearing anything underneath.
- Oh, dear God.
Got it.
Looks like the grand opening of a head shop.
This isn't happening.
Tell them it's printing out downstairs, they'll have hard copies, no cue cards.
- Got it.
- Got a game someplace? Cricket match in Bangalore.
Well, why not? Whoa.
Sim, you okay with those pages? Yes, Cal, I'm okay with the pages.
All right, here we go! Just like we did it three hours ago only, you know, legal.
From Los Angeles California Okay, we're going live.
Five, four, three, two, one.
- I'm Simon Stiles.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
We are live right now on the West Coast.
We have cut into the tape-delayed feed of the program that began its broadcast three hours and 43 minutes ago in the East.
At this moment in Bangalore the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology is playing the Bangalore Union Cricket Club in the LG ICC test match.
Bangalore is up 240 runs with one wicket lost in the first inning.
During the East Coast broadcast I performed jokes from this desk that turns out were plagiarized.
It was material that was written by and has been performed by an obviously talented writer/comedian named Lenny Gold.
Our mistake was inadvertent and deeply regrettable.
We hope he accepts our apology and we hope that you continue to be viewers of our show.
So here now, the news.
Environmentalist Al Gore The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job.
We both talked to him and in no uncertain terms he screwed up huge and he knows it.
But I'm not gonna end his career over it.
Because I know how he feels.
And that's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room.
People aren't even going for funny anymore, Matt.
They're just trying for your respect.
Anyway, we told Danny, we'll step down if you want but we're not giving him up.
Well, now, you've got my respect.
Matt? - Yeah.
- It wasn't him.
- What do you mean? We found the right Lenny Gold, and asked if he wanted to come over and do it on the air and he can't because he stole it too.
- What? - The guy who wrote it wrote it nine years ago and his name is Benjamin Barkley.
Does that name sound familiar? Benjamin Barkley? - I'm Simon Stiles.
- Yeah.
- And I'm Harriet Hayes, that's the news.
And we're out.
Hang on! Hang on! We're gonna bust in again after this c-break.
- Why? - Just a second.
All right, that worked.
That was a nice piece of broadcasting.
Great, that was smooth sailing.
- Yeah, we're going again.
- Why? We attributed the material to the wrong guy, but this will throw our time off so we're gonna have to paste and fill as we go now.
I'd get comfortable.
When the phone rings, it's gonna be for me.
We'll go from this to "Ricardo" so we'll have time to change for "Swamp Donkey.
" - Somebody'll tell us when the show's over? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Places! Looks like there are bench warrants out for half our audience.
No, they're good people.
They like to laugh.
Here we are, cutting to the West Coast delay, everybody, ready?! Okay, we're going live.
In five, four, three, two One.
We're back, and we're back live again on the West Coast.
I don't have a cricket update for you so I'll ask you to take my word for it.
The reason we're still live is we misattributed the plagiarized material we performed earlier to Lenny Gold.
It turns out the actual author - Ms.
McDeere? Yeah.
Jack Rudolph.
- My boyfriend's calling me.
Our network NBS - Hey, Jack.
What the hell is going on over there?! It's all under control.
Plus, if you had any money on the Bangalore Union Cricket Club then it's your lucky day.
And now, we return you to our show, which, if we've timed this right should be an amusing If we haven't timed it right it it will be a color-focus pattern.
Out.
- Yeah! All right.
- All right.
- It's ours.
We own it.
- Benjamin Barkley.
Ben Barkley.
- Benny.
- He worked here.
- Before us.
One season, '91.
And that's when he wrote it.
Look at the stamp.
We own it.
And he wrote it when he was here, look at the stamp.
We own the copyright.
- No.
- Yeah, just one more time.
Give me Cally, get Jordan a drink send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons.
Anything in particular you want me to say to anyone who might still be left watching? Twenty back.
"This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.
" In ten, nine, eight
- Not someone from where I work.
I think you know how The Smoking Gun got tipped to the DUl.
A guy named Ryan Mulrooney? When I was 25, we were married for nine months.
- He's shopping a book.
- You want us to quit? - Badly.
You think it's gonna happen? - Not a big chance, no.
- How big a problem is it gonna be? - Not gonna be.
- It will if you're in love with her.
- I'm not.
I'm not.
Ninety seconds.
That's what he's asked for.
Ninety seconds of material from the writers' room.
Was the request patronizing and a veiled insult? I think so.
- I don't think the insult was that veiled.
- Me neither.
But not being able to contribute is a good way to demonstrate that we're people who should be insulted.
- Heh.
- What? - It is.
We have to produce something! - May I actually ask to? - No.
If I may ask to re-pitch a sketch about McDeere? - No.
- I agree.
The DUl, the Christian right, the joke about cocaine the book, the marriage, the sex clubs.
Nothing about hiring back Matt and Danny.
Everybody's doing it, we'll look ridiculous if we don't.
Jay, Conan, Dave.
SNL did it 24 hours after we did nothing.
If we'll do a sketch calling the president of this network a sex addict I'm not the one to write it.
- What else? - It's self-deprecating.
- Lf we were drunken sex addicts.
- What else?! I've got something.
- What? - I think I've got something.
Hal, do you feel that this is the right time to pitch me something that blows? - No.
- So you're willing to take that chance? - Let me see it.
- It's for Simon.
Either as a sketch or he can do it as an editorial in News 60.
"At schools today all the kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD.
In my day you were just stupid.
'What's wrong with my son? Oh, him? He's stupid.
' Next! ' America is the most overweight.
We've got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs.
If you wanna mess with somebody's head, drop a cruise missile and a couple of tons of Hot Pockets on their ass.
" This is it.
Let's everybody get to work on this.
Way to go, Hal.
What? - Matthew? Out here.
- Are you busy? - I'm choking.
- You want me to come back? - No.
What do you need? - Listen.
- Yeah.
- I wanna move on.
- Go ahead.
What do you mean? I want closure, and I want to move on.
- Are you talking about us? - Yes.
- We broke up.
- Yeah.
How much more closure are you looking for? I want you to tell me that you have no intention of trying to win me back.
- Well, we have a problem there.
- Yes, I know.
You're a northeastern Jewish liberal atheist and I'm a Southern Baptist who believes that you're going to burn in hell.
Two problems.
You're my boss.
You think that's an insurmountable obstacle.
What will happen when I give you a note you don't like? Or give Jeannie a sketch you want? Or a sketch you shouldn't have gotten? I didn't come up to convince you otherwise.
I just wanted to hear it.
So we have closure.
- Yes.
- We are closed.
Heh.
You feel all right about it? I'd feel better if you appeared even a little ambivalent.
I'm extremely ambivalent.
What I'm exhibiting are leadership skills.
Well done.
- Is that for me? - It is.
I wanted to give you a non-romantic present.
You did two great shows in a row.
Well, it doesn't get a lot less romantic than a baseball bat.
It's signed by Darren Wells.
"You're a big hit.
Darren Wells.
" How'd you get this? - You really wanna know? - Yeah.
Ironically, I got it when I sang the national anthem at the Dodgers game.
- You asked him for it? - He gave it to me.
- When? - After I sang.
- Wait.
He gave this to you? - He did, and I'm giving it to you.
"You're a big hit," he was talking about you.
He liked the way I sang.
I'm giving it to you because I like the way you write.
Yeah, but I think we're skipping over a part.
- I'm passing it on.
- Harry? - Yeah.
- He wrote his phone number on here.
- What do you mean? - He wrote his phone number here.
- Didn't see it? - That's his phone number? What did you think it was? I just thought it was his uniform number, they sign their name and write the number.
Yeah, they do do that.
You thought his uniform number was 3,106,786,5 He was asking you out! Now that I've had time to reflect upon it, you might be right.
- Do you? - Yes.
Yeah, you gave me a used cocktail napkin, basically.
You think I don't know that men are interested in you? Wait, I didn't give it to you on purpose.
Put a ribbon, knocked on my door and handed it to me.
I wasn't trying to make you jealous.
Has he asked you out? - Hmm? No.
- Has he asked you out? - Okay - Yes, he has.
We've had dinner and He's coming to the show Friday.
I lied for a second but then I realized that I couldn't.
- Because you're a good Christian girl.
- No, because I'd get caught, I always do.
I didn't give you the bat to zatz you.
I like how he signs a bat instead of a ball.
Like he's a slugger.
He's a pitcher.
You know his job when he comes to the plate? Stick his bat out, hope for the off-chance that ball will hit it on its way to the catcher's mitt.
- It was an honest mistake.
- Really? You can accuse me of being dumb but not sinister.
How about manipulative? Skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous, trust me, you'd be jealous.
- I am jealous! - Well, then bonus for me! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Matt.
We got something.
It's good.
- It's for Simon, a News 60 segment.
- Ninety seconds.
- Are we done? - I'm certain we're not.
Yeah.
This is funny.
Your executive dining room is open for dinner? Figure if I'm gonna make people work late.
He's self-publishing it on the Internet.
There'll be some mortifying things.
More than drunk driving and sex clubs? - He'll make stuff up.
- Why? - There's a good living in it.
- What's the NBS Burger? - It's a hamburger.
- How is it prepared? Here in the kitchen of the dining room at NBS.
Gotcha.
Thanks.
This is my assistant, Kevin Yu.
Kevin, this is Martha O'Dell.
- I read you every week.
- Thank you.
I spoke with Danny Tripp's office, you can come by in the morning anytime.
What would possess me to marry him? Did I not have a friend who would tackle me on my way down the aisle? Don't know, if we'll talk about it, we're going on the record.
- We're not, this isn't about me.
- Then I have to ask you.
- What? - What's the NBS Salad? - Some of these are pretty intuitive, Marty.
- I'm not as smart as people think I am.
- Now, she tells us.
- It is about you.
You flipped off half the country and the TV business on your first day.
I wasn't flipping anybody off.
You can be a woman, look like you do, have the power, but not all at the same time.
You manage it, and you take on the right twice a week in print.
I take on the left too and I don't manage it, I just don't care about it.
Google me, you'll find a lot worse than a DUl in Sag Harbor.
- I know.
- Trust me, it's like seasickness.
You think you're gonna die and everybody else just thinks it's funny.
I do trust you.
- You'll have to go on the record eventually.
- Eventually.
So, is that my answer? Shelly and I think it's a good idea, but Matt and Danny'll have to think it's a good idea.
- We'll see them.
- What should I know? These are two decent guys who have good reason to fear the press.
What's the best way to make a first impression? - Yeah.
- Easy as pie.
I figured.
"America is gearing up for another hurricane season.
This year's storms threaten to be worse than last year when thousands of families were forced to flee their homes.
" - Feel free to use my dressing room anytime.
- Thanks.
"Spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers has guaranteed levees will be ready to protect building projects from surges of water and black people.
" - Taking long to get there.
- It is.
See that? That was piling on.
She was right, I knew it, you knew I knew it and yet you went in for the late hit.
- You give him the bat? Did he like it? Yes.
Not sure.
Hard to tell from the way he was shoving it up my ass.
I didn't know that Darren wrote his phone number on the bat.
- He knows that you went out with him? - Dinner.
He's coming.
Not the same as him sleeping with someone who I work with.
You know I'm sitting right here? His defense was, "We broke up, I'm allowed to date people.
" So I'm curious to find out how that rule is only applied unilaterally.
We'll never know, he only has conversations when he gets to write what everybody says.
You know what I think? I think this.
Let me just say this: - It takes me a long time to get there? Simon - Come in without knocking.
- Look at this.
We'll do it as an editorial.
The reason Darren Wells and I get along well is that he likes to both talk and listen.
Or they both have roughly the same chance of getting a hit in a baseball game.
- I loathe you.
What do you think? It's all right.
I've got some of my own stuff I can - Yeah, do this.
It's from Ricky and Ron.
- It was the room.
Okay.
I've still got 12 and a half minutes to write, I'll be in my office.
- Matt, you need me to help? - I'm gonna be all right.
I'm getting something going on Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis but I'm not getting any traction.
- Actually, I meant with Harriet.
- What are you talking about? - This is what happened with Paula and me.
- What is? She gave you a brushback pitch, she gave you a chin music.
- She didn't do it on purpose.
- You believe her? - No.
- A purpose pitch, she threw at your head.
Are you using a baseball metaphor? No, but it's a nice coincidence.
This is exactly what happened with Paula.
- Started dating a baseball player? - A cardiologist, like that's hard to be.
She doesn't like the guy, she's moving you off.
You feel crazy, the way she feels and wants you to feel.
- I don't feel crazy.
- Professional athlete.
- Physically superior to you.
- I feel a little crazy.
That's right, and that's why you're having trouble writing the last 12 minutes.
I've never needed a special reason to have trouble writing, but what's your point? - This is pure Strindberg.
- August Strindberg? Right out of The Father.
Scariest play.
How did we move from baseball to Strindberg? We did.
Wife drives the husband crazy.
He goes mad because he never regains the upper hand.
He goes mad because the wife plants it that their child might not be his.
- Exactly.
- What are you talking about? Pick yourself up, don't brush the dirt off your uniform stand in and blast the next pitch back into Paula's face.
- Harriet's face.
- Yes.
Why don't you just call her? He goes mad at the end of the play, it's a very disturbing sight.
I'd like to be your wingman.
I appreciate that, but I'm not flying anymore You need a wingman and you've always been mine.
- I have? - You could start.
Okay, call Paula.
- This isn't about me.
- It is.
You'd talk to Danny except Danny thinks you and Harry are a problem for the show.
- This is true.
- I'll say this.
The Bombshell Babies are at the Roxy through Sunday.
Two shows a night.
You want me to give her an autographed boot with the phone number of a Bombshell Baby? - We're on the same page.
- Why don't you get some sleep? Need a copy of collected works of Strindberg? I've got my own.
Get some sleep.
- I'll crash in my dressing room.
- You could go home.
Let me know if you need help with Meet the Press.
- Thanks.
Maisy! - Yeah.
- Did I just call you? - Yeah.
I don't know why.
You want some coffee or something to eat? - No, thanks.
- Okay.
Know about the baseball player Harriet's been seeing? I got him tickets for the show.
You're gonna have to be punished for that.
They just met.
He's just a rebound guy.
Don't let it make you nuts.
Yeah.
Too late.
Would you call over to the stage door at the Roxy and tell the doorman that I'm coming by to see Wendy? I'll be back in a half hour.
- Are you gonna do something stupid? - It would certainly appear that way.
Get some sleep.
- Matt! - You guys were great.
Hey, Matty! - Hey.
- Wendy? - I see you.
I just need you for a second and then I'll be out of your way.
I never wanted you out of my way, remember? - I do.
- Matty.
- Hey.
- Your first two shows have been great.
- You and Danny are the talk of the town.
- Oh, thanks, I appreciate it.
- You like the wardrobe? - I listen only for the articles.
- What do you need? - I need a favor.
- What favor? - I'd like one of your boots.
- I'm sorry? My boots? - That you're wearing right now.
And I need you to sign it, "Call me, baby" with the comma after "me" and you add your measurements.
- Sure.
- You don't want to know why? Oh.
I just did two shows, you want a therapy session now? - No.
- Good.
Here, you can use this pen.
It's just a joke.
Harry gave me a bat signed to her by Darren Wells.
- The pitcher? - Yeah.
- He's hot.
- Yeah, thanks for the therapy.
Was he hitting on her? He wrote his number on the bat.
She thought it was his uniform number.
- Maybe she did.
- Twelve, 22, seven these are the numbers you see on athletes.
They don't typically run to 10 digits.
- You're using me to make her jealous? - Yeah, does that bother you? No, you know what bothers me? - What? - That this is lame.
No, the beauty is the comma after "Call me.
" See, "Oh I thought you said, 'Call me Baby" like that's the nickname she wanted me to call her" when it's, "Call me, baby.
" Holy God, this is lame, what in hell is the matter with me? This is what I'm talking about.
Listen to me, just grab her and stamp her down.
- I can't stamp her down.
- Kiss her.
Grab her and kiss her.
- I knew what it meant, I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
Wendy, I can't, I'm the guardian of the employment of about 150 people.
There are also issues having to do with the fact that she's insane.
You would know about sanity because you're here on a Thursday getting a boot signed.
You know, I'm not sure you got the comma.
I got it.
- So this is lame, right? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You looked great out there tonight.
Thanks.
- I'm gonna go back and write some more.
- I know.
Once again, the Bombshell Babies! - I need her.
Let's go.
One more.
- You should take the boot.
- Again, thank you.
Guys, ready to go.
Thanks.
Ooh.
Sorry.
Oh, perfect.
- I'm up.
- Know what you had me doing last night? Hang on, did a basketball just come flying by my head? - I've never felt so stupid in my life.
- Did you get the boot? I gave back the boot.
Along with most of my dignity.
I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me.
Wish you'd put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed.
- Hey, wait.
Seriously - What? Is this hard? When she's performing.
If I subscribed to this, I'd swear God was messing with me.
She believes the world was created in six days and that's not even among the top three reasons we're not together.
How much evidence do you need that two people are wrong for each other? Except when I watch her onstage.
Your chest hurts? Yeah.
- God.
- What? It's great when we talk like this.
- Yeah, well, we're done now.
- Yeah.
You gonna have time after Meet the Press to get out and in for News 60? - What is it, 2:20? - Yeah.
- I can make the change.
- Really? - Unless you want me wearing clothes.
- I don't.
Take it from where you were.
All right, here we go.
And action! Hi, I'm Juliette Lewis and this is Meet the Press.
- Danny.
Jordan's here.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi, you don't look very good.
That's nice of you, but don't say it unless you mean it.
- You look tired.
- I haven't been sleeping.
What's keeping you up? Listen, Martha O'Dell is waiting outside.
Outside what? - Outside this office right here.
- Why? Vanity Fair's asked her to do a story on the show and the regime change.
- Shelly wants it and so do I.
- Good.
All we've been missing here is a reporter walking around.
- She's not just any reporter.
- Things happen around here.
People blowing smoke out their office windows.
Tell me nobody's getting high in this building.
Shocked that drugs are a part of late-night comedy? "The Coneheads"? "Toonces the Driving Cat"? Think Belushi and Farley died from Lou Gehrig's Disease? Tell me it's not happening here.
It's not happening here.
One night's sleep I'd like to get.
What's your pitch? Lt'll be for August, the ultimate beach reading issue.
to marketers as alpha consumers.
Alpha consumers are the first to know, the first to try and to buy.
They are influencers and pleasure seekers.
The typical vF reader is college-educated and lives in a household with a six-figure income.
Are you getting this off a crib sheet? - Yes.
- Jordan You can lose five regular consumers, replace them with one Alpha Consumer and I can charge the same ad rates, you understand what I'm saying? - Bring her in.
- You're gonna like her.
I've known her a long time.
She's very Marty? Very what? Danny Tripp, this is Martha O'Dell.
It's great to meet you, I'm a big fan.
So am I.
I loved the two movies and the shows so far have been very sharp.
Thank you.
Why don't we go down the hall? Matt's gonna have to sign off on this too.
I understand you're gonna deliver us influencers and pleasure seekers.
- Is that what a Pulitzer Prize gets you? - I have two.
- You want full access? - Nothing less.
- Matt! Yeah? Nice rack, by the way.
Tell Jordan I'm not 15.
- Matt, say hello to Martha O'Dell.
- Hi.
- See, Matt, on the other hand.
- Yeah.
- I'm Matt Albie.
- I know, it's nice to meet you.
Martha wants to do a long-lead cover for vanity Fair.
I've gotta keep filing my columns from D.
C.
But I'd be out here every few weeks, a few days at a time.
Full access, you okay with that? - Uh, uh Yeah, sure.
Good.
When do you want to start? - I did five minutes ago.
- Give me a second and I'll show you around.
- Great.
- It'll be fun.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Have a good show tonight.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
- Listen - Really? One of her readers is worth five of our viewers.
That would give her a perceived air of superiority.
No, it's an actual air of superiority.
We need her more than she needs us.
- I know how you love being in that position.
- But I'll cowboy up.
Wanna get breakfast? No, I'm gonna stay and work.
- Is that a new bat? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Harry gave that to me.
- Gave you a bat? - Yeah, signed by Darren Wells.
- A pitcher signed a bat? - Better than a ball.
It's a bat.
- Anything on your mind? - No.
- Sure you don't wanna come to breakfast? - No, still got 2:20 to fill.
When we get back, something funny will happen.
I don't write the news, can't wait for something funny to happen.
I have to make something funny happen.
Well, you're the best.
I don't care if people remember who she is, Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis is funny.
It's gonna work fine.
Unless she gets many laughs and we'll have a problem.
This is new.
Let's worry about getting many laughs.
- It's true.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I wanted to tell you, it means a lot to Ricky and Ron you're letting me do their stuff.
It's not bad, and you killed with it at dress.
Would you recognize Darren Wells if you saw him? - The pitcher? - The pitcher.
If we're calling him that.
With a career record of 7 and 15 with an ERA 6.
26 and one win in his last 8 decisions.
He's got a walk-to-strikeout ratio that could only be impressive in T-ball and once tore a rotator cuff drying his hair with a towel.
- They've been out once.
- You knew? - Yes.
- And you didn't tell me? He probably thought it would distract you.
He was wrong.
You see the board? The show's done and it's good.
I know it's good.
Between writing the show and getting a stiletto boot signed I'm surprised you had time to memorize his stats.
- How did you know about that? - A stiletto boot? - I miss nothing.
- There he is.
He's big.
- It's not hard to be big.
That's right.
Let's see this guy make the dean's list as a Contemporary Dramatic Lit major.
Fairy.
What kind of mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression? Same kind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert's chair.
Let's go start the show.
And be careful, will you? because between here and there, there might be windows made of glass.
Jordan? - Yeah.
- You wanted these too.
- Oh, thanks.
- Shelly Green's office just called.
- God, what now? Ryan's going on Geraldo.
- When? - Monday night.
Well, sharks gotta swim, bats gotta fly, I'm gonna get screwed by this man till I die.
- You mind if I ask you something? - What? - Some stuff is true, some he's making up.
- Yeah.
So why not at least put out a piece of paper saying: "This one is true, this he made up, this one is true.
" Why not at least do that? I'd look like an idiot, I'd prolong the story I'd take it to a new level by commenting and mostly I'd help him sell books.
- Well, you're taking it well.
- Thank you.
Are you going home? No, I'll go over to Studio 60, check on Martha.
Okay.
- Monday? - Yeah, I'll see you Monday.
No, he'll be on Geraldo, Monday? My ex-husband? - Yeah.
- Okay.
At schools today, all the kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD.
When I went to school there was just stupid.
"What's wrong with my son? 'Oh him? He's stupid.
' Next!" America's also the most overweight nation in the world.
We've got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs.
- What are you doing? I'm listening.
Why aren't you watching? - Why? - Lf I don't attach the voice to the face - It doesn't matter.
- Okay, I didn't care anyway.
- I'm Simon Stiles.
- And I'm Harriet Hayes, that's the news.
- We're out.
- Ninety seconds back.
Stand by.
I've got us right on it, Cally.
Tom will blow that to hell with Dr.
Phil though.
You and Matt are worried about people laughing too much.
I'm worried about they turn off the electricity at 10:00.
- How's Matt liking it? - I don't know, he's wandering.
- Why? - He's in love.
Okay.
Thirty back.
- Ricky.
Ron.
Hey, hey.
Good show so far.
Your stuff in the news killed.
I wanted to say nice job.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
You think you could mention to Matt that you liked it? Heh.
It's not gonna matter to Matt if I liked it, only if he liked it.
We should be overseeing the news.
One show at a time.
I thought it was a big step that he gave you 90 seconds.
We're used to running the show, It was a big step for him.
Ninety seconds is enough to feel pride of authorship.
Thanks.
Good job, man.
That's how we do it downtown, baby.
Ahem.
Do me a favor, don't write down the "baby," that just came out.
Look, I can't get involved in my own story but you need to see this.
- I was surfing the net - You need full access to surf the? To get real time reaction to the show and this was posted a few minutes after News 60 came down.
It looks like a home movie of a comic at a club called The Laugh Factory and there's a date stamp it was taken almost a year ago.
At schools today, kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD.
In my day, you were just stupid.
"What's wrong with my son? 'Oh him? He's stupid.
' Next!" America is the most overweight nation in the world.
We've got so much food here we're dropping it along with the bombs on other countries.
It's Danny.
Let the audience go but nobody else leaves the building.
I need Jordan McDeere, I need Legal, the Broadcast Center.
We've got a problem.
Thank you.
- Good show.
- Good show, man.
- Where you going? - What? I'm going.
I'm going to her dressing room and I'm stamping her down.
- Why? - Because one of The Bombshell Babies gave me good advice.
- I dare you to say that again.
If Bombshell Babies know anything it's - Dancing! - Romance.
- They need you upstairs.
- In a minute.
The show came down, you watched her and it's your most vulnerable time.
- Maybe so.
- Don't you think she knows that? - Like a free Strindberg Festival! - Nothing to do with Strindberg.
- When Paula and I broke up - You broke up because she never saw you.
- We never leave here.
- That's not true.
- Friday night was date night.
- Show night.
- We'd have date night at the wrap party.
- She's a doctor, went to college for years.
She doesn't want to compete for your time.
- Sir, they're waiting for you upstairs.
- I will be up in a minute.
Aside from all that, you're her boss.
I was thinking about that and that's ridiculous.
It's not.
What about the couples, Vincente Minnelli and Judy Garland? - Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.
- Things worked out for them.
- The Carpenters.
- Siblings, but she's dead.
If Harriet dies, I can live with that.
What I can't live with Harry, can we get a picture of you two? Wait, hang on.
- We can use it or not use it.
It's up to you.
Are you okay? Matthew.
Matt.
- No, I was just Am I allowed to pick this up, or does it have to be - Sir? a union grip or something? - They need you upstairs, something's - Hang on.
No, yeah, I just came downstairs to say great show.
Darren, I'm Matt Albie, I'm a big fan.
I saw you pitch against the Mets in July and they couldn't touch you.
- That was a good game.
- Yeah.
- Matt - Man, you made me laugh tonight.
- Yeah, no, it was them.
- It was him.
Something's happened.
What? Danny needs you upstairs right now.
Something's happened.
Excuse me.
You really want to mess with someone's head drop a cruise missile and a ton of Hot Pockets on their ass.
- How did it happen? Material came from the room.
- What do you wanna do? - Whatever Matt tells us.
Whatever he tells us to do, Jordan.
This is his.
Accusing a writer of plagiarism.
- You said it wasn't him - It doesn't matter if it's true or not.
You might accuse him of being a sex offender.
An immediate press release worded however he wants, an apology whatever he tells us to do.
We'll have to break out the West Coast tape delay with a re-written News 60 again live.
- The whole thing? I can't CGI Simon and Harriet into the taped segment.
Gotta do the thing at what? - 0013, I think.
What's going on? All right, listen.
- You know a stand-up named Lenny Gold? - No.
The 90 seconds from Ricky and Ron on News 60? There's video on the Internet of the guy doing it almost verbatim at The Laugh Factory almost a year ago.
It looks like an open mic night or something, I don't We'll break into the tape delay and do News 60 live again.
Get this guy on the phone.
If he's anywhere near here, we're gonna invite him and do it on camera.
Interns are on the phones.
He should be easy to find, there aren't many Lenny Golds in L.
A.
- Lf we can't find him? - I'll write another 90 seconds but the first 30 will be an explanation and apology.
We're also trying to get Legal on the phone.
We should wait for them.
We're not waiting.
When you get Legal, ask what they think the settlement will be in the copyright infringement suit we're all gonna be named defendants in.
What about the audience? There isn't gonna be one.
It's a 4:50 segment, it's gonna be pretty dry.
- I can laugh it.
- We're not using the box.
All right, Lilly? Here's what you do.
Find everybody who's not doing something, send them out on the street with $20 bills.
We only need to fill the center.
- You go start writing.
- I need to tell Simon.
All right.
Bring a couple of guys to tie him down.
Gotta phone the center in New Jersey.
Broadcast Center is in New Jersey? It's inspiring the network president doesn't know that.
- I'm new.
- Bayonne, New Jersey.
They send it to a satellite which you keep in outer space.
- Hey! - The seven-second delay.
How does the math work, we add 7 seconds? We subtract seven seconds.
- We add it.
- We subtract it.
Taped broadcast happens 7 seconds later in the West than live in the East.
That's why you subtract seven seconds.
- You don't add it? - Oh, and this has me bathed in confidence.
We're fine.
I'm gonna go have a conversation with Ricky and Ron.
- This is gonna work? - Sure.
- Done it before? - Hundred times.
No.
Never.
But I can't think of what the problem be.
- What could possibly go wrong? - There you go.
We heard.
We're going to talk to Matt and we want you to know - What the hell happened? - Hey! Who was it, Ricky? I know it wasn't the two of you who handed that up.
It was the room and we take responsibility.
Sixteen writers don't get together and collectively rip somebody off, who was it? - I'm not gonna tell you.
- Ricky You are gonna tell me because I want someone's ass on my desk! If I find out it was on purpose, I'll get a lot more than that.
They didn't do it on purpose, there's no way.
- Who was it, Ron? - I'm sorry, Danny, I'm not gonna tell you.
We are taking full responsibility, and we'll resign if you want.
Lilly's collecting cash to go out and buy an audience.
- See if you can help her.
- Yeah.
Give me a name.
- Simon - A description.
- It doesn't matter.
How are we doing this? After Meet the Press, we'll have a c-break, we'll come back punch in News 60 live.
There'll be an explanation and an apology at the top, then we'll go into our jokes.
- All right.
- All right.
We need to be able to prove it's live.
- Maisy! A sports score.
- Yeah.
Have somebody stay on a game and Simon will give the current score.
It'll be after midnight in the West and after 3 a.
m.
In the East, is anybody playing? Somewhere in the world, there is a sporting event.
Have someone stay on top of the score.
I bussed tables at Hamburger Hamlet till 11 then I worked six clubs a night for $ 10 a set and a free drink.
- In my life, I never stole a joke.
- And you didn't tonight either.
I did.
- Matt? - I gotta go to my office.
That was awful what happened.
It took me by surprise too.
I opened the door and he kissed me.
I was gonna rush in to help when I saw you struggling.
- Can you stop walking? - I'm in the middle of something.
- You said - Date the Los Angeles Lakers, I don't care.
I understand.
Harriet and Simon to the stage please.
If it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis.
That's our floor manager, Nadine.
Hi, Nadine.
This morning, my guests are Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and the democratic junior high senator from New York, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
- How does something like this happen? - It doesn't usually.
I hope you've noted all the steps we can think of to correct it.
- I've noted that.
- Think of anything we're not doing? - No.
- Note that.
- I don't work for you, I'll note what I want.
- Note it! - I'm noting it.
But I don't see you So how does something like this happen? Matt didn't start in TV, so he has a harder time writing with a group.
I told him last week I wanted him to start getting the other writers into the game.
Rick Tahoe and Ron Oswald are the co-execs in charge of the room.
They gave him this material and Matt did what I told him to do.
- That seems reasonable.
- Well, write down that it's reasonable.
How about if you write the piece and I just put my name on it? - Allowed to do that? - No.
- So you were just mocking me then.
- Yeah.
- Harry? - Yeah.
Sit down next to him and calm him down.
No point in doing this if he'll eat the desk on camera.
- Yeah.
Sir? - And Harry? Isn't Matt's psycho-obsession with you problematic for us without you making out with baseball players.
- I was as surprised as - Harry? Is it time for? Go to the desk.
But you know that? Yeah.
We're at commercial break.
Stand by, everybody.
At the table.
Checklist.
You know where I grew up, if this had happened? There'd be a meeting and everybody would be there.
The guy would have to sit and listen while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character.
That's what would have happened where I grew up except we would've driven by the guy's house and shot him.
- There's more that unites than divides us.
Right this way, everybody.
This way.
Oh, good, our audience is here.
Okay, we're two minutes out.
- Guys in the red bandanas, are they Crips? - No, they're Bloods.
- Are we insured for this? - I don't know, but I wouldn't think so.
Move the woman in the fishnet top she's not wearing anything underneath.
- Oh, dear God.
Got it.
Looks like the grand opening of a head shop.
This isn't happening.
Tell them it's printing out downstairs, they'll have hard copies, no cue cards.
- Got it.
- Got a game someplace? Cricket match in Bangalore.
Well, why not? Whoa.
Sim, you okay with those pages? Yes, Cal, I'm okay with the pages.
All right, here we go! Just like we did it three hours ago only, you know, legal.
From Los Angeles California Okay, we're going live.
Five, four, three, two, one.
- I'm Simon Stiles.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
We are live right now on the West Coast.
We have cut into the tape-delayed feed of the program that began its broadcast three hours and 43 minutes ago in the East.
At this moment in Bangalore the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology is playing the Bangalore Union Cricket Club in the LG ICC test match.
Bangalore is up 240 runs with one wicket lost in the first inning.
During the East Coast broadcast I performed jokes from this desk that turns out were plagiarized.
It was material that was written by and has been performed by an obviously talented writer/comedian named Lenny Gold.
Our mistake was inadvertent and deeply regrettable.
We hope he accepts our apology and we hope that you continue to be viewers of our show.
So here now, the news.
Environmentalist Al Gore The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job.
We both talked to him and in no uncertain terms he screwed up huge and he knows it.
But I'm not gonna end his career over it.
Because I know how he feels.
And that's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room.
People aren't even going for funny anymore, Matt.
They're just trying for your respect.
Anyway, we told Danny, we'll step down if you want but we're not giving him up.
Well, now, you've got my respect.
Matt? - Yeah.
- It wasn't him.
- What do you mean? We found the right Lenny Gold, and asked if he wanted to come over and do it on the air and he can't because he stole it too.
- What? - The guy who wrote it wrote it nine years ago and his name is Benjamin Barkley.
Does that name sound familiar? Benjamin Barkley? - I'm Simon Stiles.
- Yeah.
- And I'm Harriet Hayes, that's the news.
And we're out.
Hang on! Hang on! We're gonna bust in again after this c-break.
- Why? - Just a second.
All right, that worked.
That was a nice piece of broadcasting.
Great, that was smooth sailing.
- Yeah, we're going again.
- Why? We attributed the material to the wrong guy, but this will throw our time off so we're gonna have to paste and fill as we go now.
I'd get comfortable.
When the phone rings, it's gonna be for me.
We'll go from this to "Ricardo" so we'll have time to change for "Swamp Donkey.
" - Somebody'll tell us when the show's over? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Places! Looks like there are bench warrants out for half our audience.
No, they're good people.
They like to laugh.
Here we are, cutting to the West Coast delay, everybody, ready?! Okay, we're going live.
In five, four, three, two One.
We're back, and we're back live again on the West Coast.
I don't have a cricket update for you so I'll ask you to take my word for it.
The reason we're still live is we misattributed the plagiarized material we performed earlier to Lenny Gold.
It turns out the actual author - Ms.
McDeere? Yeah.
Jack Rudolph.
- My boyfriend's calling me.
Our network NBS - Hey, Jack.
What the hell is going on over there?! It's all under control.
Plus, if you had any money on the Bangalore Union Cricket Club then it's your lucky day.
And now, we return you to our show, which, if we've timed this right should be an amusing If we haven't timed it right it it will be a color-focus pattern.
Out.
- Yeah! All right.
- All right.
- It's ours.
We own it.
- Benjamin Barkley.
Ben Barkley.
- Benny.
- He worked here.
- Before us.
One season, '91.
And that's when he wrote it.
Look at the stamp.
We own it.
And he wrote it when he was here, look at the stamp.
We own the copyright.
- No.
- Yeah, just one more time.
Give me Cally, get Jordan a drink send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons.
Anything in particular you want me to say to anyone who might still be left watching? Twenty back.
"This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.
" In ten, nine, eight