Sunnyside (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Schnorf Town
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
And what was the most important thing Lincoln did? They say he was completely illiterate.
Hmm, they don't say that, but what was the most important thing he did? Starts with an "S" - Shot in the head! - Stovepipe hat! Guys, something he ended.
Ssss Guys slavery! I'm talking about slavery.
Wow, you had to bring up slavery.
Yeah, way to bum everyone out, dude.
Hi! We're back from our trip.
We went to this little hidden gem called "the state of Ohio.
" It's amazing.
Akron was so romantic.
They have these things called water parks that are like giant toilets that you bring your entire family to swim in.
And, we brought Cincinnati chili! It's so foul.
They mix cheese with chocolate with meat and they dump it on spaghetti for no reason! It's not bad.
The spaghetti really brings out the chocolate in the beef.
Great, gross.
Can we get back to class, please? Yeah, let's learn about America.
I love it! [GASPS.]
Did you know there's a state named after Flo Rida? The singer.
Mm.
Yeah, okay, we have a lot of work to do.
We brought magnets! [ALL EXCLAIMING.]
Okay, did everybody get a magnet? Not everyone got the one they wanted.
You got the sign for I-70.
That's the third biggest highway in Ohio.
Then trade me for Drew Carey.
Hell no, he's the pride of Cleveland.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, no, Jun Ho.
It's Heinrich! - Why is Heinrich calling? - Who's Heinrich? He's our dad's right-hand man or arsonist or whatever and he never calls.
- Pick up, pick up! - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Guten tag, Mei Lin and Jun Ho.
It has been one year since your father gave you a significant amount of his money for your business, and he requests a progress report.
The business um slaps.
I was just saying yesterday how the business slaps.
He was just saying that.
It goes off, so there's your update.
If it slaps as you say, there will be no problem when I arrive tomorrow and see for myself.
Oh, no, Dad's checking up on us.
This is so bad.
Our father is impossible to please.
One time someone sold him a Picasso that was "too cube-y," and he made the guy eat the painting frame, too.
Wait a second, this Heinrich guy, he said you guys have a business? I've only seen you wear a suit once, and it was completely backless.
It's for our immigration process.
We're in America on an EB-5 visa it's for investors of $1 million or more.
Is that not how you guys got your visas? What does your business do? Um stocks? No, no, no, It's computers? Or, like, tiny hats for dogs? It's somewhere in that area.
Whatever it is, we gotta figure it out quick.
I mean, Garrett, can can you help us? You're like the smartest business guy we know.
Uh that's probably not true.
I'm living in my sister's office until my Pokémon cards regain their value.
Please? If this goes badly, our dad will be so mad.
He could cut us off.
Or he could make us leave America and we've made so many good friends here.
Dad is so mean.
He's not like our moms.
Moms? I thought you were twins.
We're half-twins.
We were born at the same time to different moms.
- Where do your moms live? - Don't worry about it they're safe.
Didn't ask that, but, I can tell from the way you're saying it that they're definitely not safe.
Well, they are, though, and wherever they are, they're always free to come and go as they please.
But they never want to because they're safe.
That is so deeply concerning, but I did promise I'd help you, so I'm in! Let's go see your business.
Cool.
Do you remember where it is? Whoo! I did it.
With this three dollar tip from this $75 check, I finally have enough to buy my dream fridge! You know you can dream about anything, right? Like, you could be married to Kate Upton, in space, and you're just crushing her at "Fortnite.
" This fridge is my dream.
It has an ice maker that has three types of ice.
Cubed, crushed, and melted.
- You mean water? - It has three types of ice.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[TAPPING DOOR RHYTHMICALLY.]
Do you hear that? Music is truly everywhere No, no street performers.
[EXCLAIMS.]
¡Mi amor! This is my son, Erik.
Someday he's gonna be a Broadway star.
[SCOFFS.]
Everyone's a star in the greatest show of all life.
What a fun way to look at the world.
I like this guy! He wrote his very own play, all by himself.
Oh, it's a hip-hop musical based on the life of former Vice President Walter Mondale.
That sentence sucked.
Yeah, I was reading Mondale's autobiography, and I just like, "This is hip-hop.
" Fun! It sounds kind of like "Hamilton.
" It's nothing like "Hamilton.
" They took place in completely different years.
You're gonna trigger your psoriasis.
Ah, you're right.
So, have you talked to your bar manager? Is he willing to let this humble player tread these trusty boards? It's all set, baby.
You get to do your play right here! And I just have to babysit the boss's kids for a month.
No, you can't just put on your musical in a bar, okay? This is a sacred place.
People are trying to drink themselves to death.
I beg to differ.
There is a long tradition of troubadours traveling from alehouse to alehouse, pouring their stories from the taps of their souls into the mugs of our ears.
Yep, I'm done.
[GROANS.]
This is it.
- Whoa.
- Is someone there? My God, you're back.
You said you were going to lunch ten months ago.
What happened? Was it good? Hi, so what exactly is your job here? The thing is, after you guys hired me, you never actually told me what to do.
Now we have a task for you.
Go get us some doughnuts.
I have an MBA from Stanford.
Go get the doughnuts! - You're the boss.
- [GROANS.]
This is so bad.
If our dad finds out that we wasted all of his money, we are screwed.
What if he makes us leave America? We just saw Ohio we haven't even been to Flo Rida! We can figure this out, okay? We just have to come up with a business right here.
How hard can it be? That weird clown came up with McDonalds.
Okay, we just have to think of something to sell that everyone wants, but isn't opioids.
Oh one big shoe that fits both of your feet.
- Yes or opioids.
- Jun Ho, no! Okay, uh, a zoo that, instead of animals, it's celebrity babies.
Why can't our business do nothing? You guys actually happen to be talking to an expert in doing nothing.
My time in City Council taught me that most "work" is actually just the appearance of doing work.
For instance, if you walked by my office, you would've seen me typing away.
What you would not have seen was that the keyboard was unplugged and I was busy watching "G.
I.
Joe" re-runs.
Do you think Heinrich would fall for that? The entire city of New York fell for that which I regret.
I'm working on myself.
Oh, okay, but what do we do? The good news is, your dad isn't coming personally.
He's sending one of his lackeys, so I guess the best thing for us to do is to razzle-dazzle that person, make sure he doesn't think you're a couple of screw ups, and then we can get started on that big shoe.
I really like that idea.
I like your fake vision for our fake business.
You're fake hired.
Let's get to fake work.
Can we get to fake lunch first? If we want this to work, your business needs to seem professional.
That means we need to dress the part, so no more full-length minks.
Understood.
Shorter minks.
We also need to turn this empty shell of a room into an office.
Jun Ho, you're in charge of decorating.
Yes love.
Uh, what were you thinking? "Kitty Cat Catacomb"? "Mountain Dew Dollywood"? Office, okay.
Chairs, desks, computers.
Well, it's your money.
No, it's your money.
You know that, right? Oh, right.
I'm rich.
Mei Lin, I need you to hire some workers.
When Heinrich comes, this place needs to be filled with people.
Fill the office with hot people.
- They don't have to be hot.
- Well that's a deal breaker for me.
All right, fine.
Make them hot.
I'll do what I do best, which is talking endlessly without actually saying anything.
Oh, what exactly does the business do? Ah, yes.
What does the business do? We ideate logistical solutions to diversify deliverables with multi-platform synergy and pivot to B2B paradigms through disruptive mind shares.
Wow! What does that mean? Nothing it was nonsense, but Heinrich's never gonna know that.
Now, let's get out there and do this.
- You guys got this! - Got what? The whole hiring people and decorating thing - come on, man.
- Oh, you were talking to us? I thought you were explaining a movie.
Just go.
Look, what do you think? I sewed in reinforced elbows so that it stands up in the breakdance battle against Jimmy Carter.
I don't think Walter Mondale was ever a judge.
The robe is a metaphor for how the American people judged him.
In good art, things can be other things.
Mom, thank you so much for all of your hard work, but is there any way that we can make this neckline, like, 10% doper? Oh, mi amor, I'll make it 20% doper.
Love the enthusiasm, but I did say ten.
This dude sucks.
It's bad enough how hard he's making Griselda work.
But that's not even the worst part.
What's the worst part? He's making a musical.
Musicals stink.
I thought we were all on the same page about this.
I disagree.
He's an artist and Griselda's a good mother.
She seems happy to help.
Doesn't your mom let you live with her for free? This is a problem.
We need to help Griselda.
And I do with my mom, but it's not free.
I pay in kisses.
Aww.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
Jun Ho, I'm so impressed! Yeah, well, I do have a photographic memory of my dad's office.
He did lock me in there once for the entirety of the third grade because he didn't like a birthday card I made for him.
Yes I have PTSD, but I also have a great visual reference! Well, now who are all these people? They are our servants.
We explained what we're doing, and they're excited to help.
This is our gardener Yao.
Hey, nice to meet you, Yao.
Ah, sorry, bud.
I don't speak Chinese! And this is our spiritual shaman Shadowheart, but he's pretending to be a Microsoft Excel expert named Ryan.
Pain is beauty.
Cool, maybe you shouldn't talk.
Silence is pain.
Hey, guys, this could actually pass for a real business.
You should be very proud of yourselves.
Honestly, Jun Ho, you did so good.
Sometimes I wish I was you.
No, you did so good.
And listen, I know a lot of people say this, but when I die, I want you to take my skin, make me a jacket, and wear me every day.
- Aww, I already picked a designer.
- [GASPS.]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- All right, that's Heinrich.
Heinrich! Garrett Modi, Executive Vice President of Management Resources, East Coast Division.
My time is very valuable, Mr.
Modi.
Let us get down to business.
Yes, let's do a business.
Can we offer you a coffee? Water? - Bones of your enemies? - No thank you, Ryan.
He's new.
Let's make this production meeting quick.
I've got a lunch scheduled with the man I used to be.
How are the playbills coming? Pretty good.
We've only sold one ad to me.
Great, see if they'll buy more.
Did we get a pull-quote from the Mondale Historical Society? They said, um, "Please don't do this.
" Mother, I am so honored to be here with you on the precipice of greatness.
- Let's just close our eyes - Yes, yes.
take a deep breath [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
and leap.
Also, can you wash these tights? They're stinky.
[LAUGHS.]
Gratitude.
Of course, mi amor.
So, uh Erik is keeping you pretty busy.
This is his dream, so everything has to be perfect.
This is going to be the "T" in his EGOTTCCCKCBBMA.
His Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, Teen Choice, Critic's Choice, Kid's Choice, BAFTA, Billboard Music Award.
Right uh, speaking of dreams, - how's the new fridge? - The fridge is gonna have to wait.
The costs of the play keep adding up, so now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go online and bid on Walter Mondale's cufflinks.
Erik needs to feel him in his wrists.
- Just genius.
- Yeah.
Okay, you were right.
Erik is making Griselda give up her dream fridge.
- We need to talk to him.
- Yes I made a promise to myself to stop any musical if I had the chance.
New York needs us right now.
Welcome to Business Investment Solutions where the future of today meets the tomorrow of yesterday.
Now, we can sit here all day and tell you how we're optimizing our core assets across multiple sectors, or we can just cut right to the chase.
Let's run the numbers.
In the first year of operation, companies like Amazon and Google lost hundreds of millions of dollars.
Business Investment Solutions, however, lost only the cost of office space and one mid-level employee.
If we project outwards, the results really speak for themselves.
Now how am I so sure of that? I just know.
I must call your father now.
So, what do you think? Do you think we pulled it off? I don't know, this guy's really hard to read.
Oh, he's coming, he's coming be cool! I have told your father exactly what was going on here Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.
And he's intrigued.
He will come in person to do a complete financial analysis and if I were you, I would make sure every single dollar is accounted for.
And have some Fresca in the fridge.
He likes Fresca.
Oh, my God, Mei Lin.
We did it! Our dad's finally gonna be proud of us.
He might even hug us for once instead of sending one of those bodyguards do it.
And maybe we'll see him smile finally, and put to rest that rumor that he has fangs.
No, guys, hey! This is actually really bad.
Your dad wants to come see our books.
We don't have any books! We made that part up, remember? He's going to see through this.
Oh, my God, you're right.
What if the rumors are true and he really does have fangs? This can still work, okay? We just need to come up with another business idea to keep this thing going, like a hospital for verified Twitter users only.
Or like glasses that, when you wear them, you can see how much poop is in someone.
Or, we can still build that celebrity baby zoo.
Hey, Yao, get Chicago West on the phone immediately.
Look, guys, we had a good run, but it's over.
It's time to come clean.
Your dad is way too smart for this besides, we don't have nearly enough time for R-and-D on poop glasses.
You can't bail now.
This was your idea.
I know that and it was a really bad one.
Trust me, every bone in my body wants to double down on this right now, but when does that end? I spent my entire life faking it.
Where has that gotten me? I went from partying with Criss Angel to sleeping on my sister's couch.
Which one of those is supposed to be the bad one? I'm really sorry, okay? But if you want my advice, just tell him the truth.
Tell the truth? Okay, let's play that one out.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Dad.
- Mm? We forgot to start a business and we wasted a bunch of your money.
- Oh, honey, that's okay.
- Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
I thought that you'd be ah, what's that? Oh, my God, it's bees! So many bees! Dad, call off the bees! [LAUGHING.]
Okay, are you happy now? Mei Lin is dead.
Does anybody else have any other pitches? No bad ideas.
Blood dungeon.
Wow, Shadowheart, love that you're pitching, but I don't see "blood dungeon" as a viable business option.
You said no bad ideas.
Well, we just heard one.
Okay, Yao, how about you? Come see "Mondale"! The musical that has received three cease-and-desist letters from Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Yo, man, we need to talk.
You're being a real buttmunch to your mom.
Buttmunch? Moi ? We feel like you're taking advantage of Griselda's kindness.
Mother is my best friend after the theatre, of course.
If she had a problem with any of this, she would've told me.
So you don't care that she had to give up her dream fridge? A fridge of dreams? Whatever do you mean? She spent eight months saving for the one thing she wanted.
And now all that money is gone to this.
I had no idea.
I have been so selfish.
Thank you for telling me.
Good note.
Erik exits in contemplation.
We came up with a plan that will solve everything.
- You take the blame.
- Like you said, this is all your fault.
So just say that this was your idea and then Dad will be mad at you and not us and then you'll be the one exiled onto Skull Island.
I'm obviously not doing that.
Look, just admit that you messed up.
Yes, he'll probably be mad at you, but then he'll get over it.
You know why? 'Cause he's your dad.
Well, what if he's so angry that we don't see him again for another ten years? Sorry, you haven't seen your father in ten years? Well, technically he sent one of his doubles to our high school graduation, so it's been more like 12.
I still can't figure out what we did to upset him.
Do you think it's because we drove one of his tanks to prom without asking? Oh, my God, we put it right back.
Guys, you're making it seem like you're to blame.
Clearly he's the problem.
You have an absentee father.
Oh, my God, you're right.
I have a hole in my heart, and it's not from the ketamine.
Dad gives us money, but I'd rather have him.
- And the money.
- Oh, of course.
I mean, the money would be there in every scenario.
Guys, if you want him in your life more, you need to say so.
Also, while you're at it, find out where your moms are.
We told you they're safe.
Hey, Erik just told me he quit "Mondale" because of you two.
He said he's going to apply for a job here at the bar.
- This is a terrible job.
- You work here.
Yeah, that's how I know it's terrible! Erik was clearly taking advantage of you, and we stopped it.
You two idiots had no right to do that.
I work this hard so that my son can have a better life, not so that he can have my life.
And do either of you know what I wanted to be when I was young? An astronaut.
But sadly, the Dominican Republic Space Program didn't accept me.
- Really? - No, dummy, it doesn't exist.
But if I had grown up here in America, who knows? And that's why I'm here, so that my son can pursue his dreams.
And ever since he was seven years old, he wanted to be on stage.
I was working as an usher at "Movin' Out," Billy Joel's musical, and I used to sneak him in so he could watch it.
And that's when he fell in love with the theatre and harmless piano rock.
Ah, we did not know all that because we didn't bother to ask before interfering in your life.
Look, is Erik's play confusing? Yes.
Is he playing too many roles? Absolutely.
Does the sex scene work? Definitely not.
I saw him rehearse that.
It is way too graphic.
I actually didn't mind it, but I have not had sex in many months.
I want Erik to do whatever he wants to do with his life, and that is more important to me than some silly refrigerator.
For what it's worth, I thought Erik's play was awesome.
Hakim's the one who's got this weird thing against musicals I don't want to hear it! You two need to fix it.
BOTH: This is all your fault.
All right, he'll be here any minute.
Are you ready to tell your dad how you really feel? I think so.
He's gonna walk in here and I'm gonna say, "Dad, you have been neglecting us our entire lives.
" Yeah, and I'm gonna say, "Dad, we didn't get to spend "a lot of time with you, so you're gonna take us "to the park like a normal family, we're gonna buy the park, "clear out all the people, hire them back to make us a picnic, and then we're going to play catch.
" Wow, it's crazy you guys aren't more messed up.
Well, we would be if it weren't for each other.
We keep each other grounded.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- All right, whatever happens, I'm right here with you, okay? You can do it.
Hello! You guys, New York is amazing.
I just took a "Sex and the City" Segway tour, and I got to drink a cosmo at Steve and Aiden's bar.
You must do this every weekend.
- I did it once.
- No, we don't.
- Where's our dad? - Oh, right.
He will not be coming because let me make sure I got this right he does not consider you worthy of his time at this moment.
Wow, I'm really sorry, guys.
- He's really not coming? - Not even one of the holograms that he sends when he thinks there might be assassins? Unfortunately, the hologram is awaiting trial at the Hague.
Of course, this is what he does.
Okay, we were stupid to think that we matter to him.
Hey, wait a second, Heinrich, I have something to say.
Tell your boss that Mei Lin and Jun Ho don't deserve to be treated like this.
I know what it's like to fake your way through life, and that's not what they're doing.
They come to every single one of my classes; they're doing everything they can to become citizens.
I'm really proud of them.
He should be, too.
And if he doesn't want to be a part of their lives, that's his loss.
And tell him that I didn't like it when he hired Morgan Freeman to teach us how to ride bikes because it just put more pressure on us.
And I didn't like it when on "Take Your Kid to Work Day," he made me enlist in one of his private militias, even though I made a lot of friends in Mogadishu.
And tell him that if he wants to talk to us in the future, that he needs to do it in person! But not too early, 'cause I need to rest.
I will try to remember all of that, but I have had quite a few Cosmos today.
I'm such a Carrie! That was amazing! That couldn't have been easy for you.
It would have been better if we yelled it at our real dad, but it helped that you were here for us every step of the way kind of like a dad.
Oh, my God.
Garret's our daddy.
Nope, I'm not.
I don't wanna do that.
- Why not, Daddy? - No stop it.
- [BOTH CHANTING.]
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - Guys, no, nope It's my honor to introduce a musical so attuned to the human condition that it will make you rethink what it is to be alive.
Walter Mondale was a father, a senator, a presidential candidate, but most importantly, Walter Mondale was you.
[WHISPERING.]
I hate this so much.
BOTH: We give you "Mondale"! Yes! Whoo! Son of a Methodist minister Flexible liberal Camp David Accords Is what I am bringin' ya Straight outta Minnesota yo I cannot fail My name is Walter Frederick Call me "Fritz" Mondale I wasn't here for most of this what is happening? Shh! I got a lot of new ideas But still I promise to be brief In the polls you're dead meat Till you show us where's the beef?! Which one's Gary Hart and which one's Mondale? I have no idea, I think those are the same wig.
Ronald Reagan, you may have defeated me in the Electoral College, but I challenge you to a duel.
Walter Mondale, tear down this wall.
[DRAMATIC SYMPHONIC MUSIC.]
Hey, none of this happened.
- Bang! - [GASPS.]
I may have died today, but I gave birth to a nation.
Walter Mondale is still alive.
Remember my name.
Alex Walter.
Walter Mondale.
Whoo, yes! My baby did it.
That's my Mondale! Yes! Thank you.
No, seriously.
Oh, my God.
Look, if I may, I just I just want to take a moment to acknowledge the reason I'm on this stage tonight.
- Oh.
- Mama, can you come up here? She sacrificed a lot to give me this opportunity, so tonight's ticket sales will go towards you buying your new dream refrigerator.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Mi amor, oh! It is my grand pleasure to present you with $45.
She lent you, like, 700 bucks! Who cares? My son is a working actor now.
And what was the most important thing Lincoln did? They say he was completely illiterate.
Hmm, they don't say that, but what was the most important thing he did? Starts with an "S" - Shot in the head! - Stovepipe hat! Guys, something he ended.
Ssss Guys slavery! I'm talking about slavery.
Wow, you had to bring up slavery.
Yeah, way to bum everyone out, dude.
Hi! We're back from our trip.
We went to this little hidden gem called "the state of Ohio.
" It's amazing.
Akron was so romantic.
They have these things called water parks that are like giant toilets that you bring your entire family to swim in.
And, we brought Cincinnati chili! It's so foul.
They mix cheese with chocolate with meat and they dump it on spaghetti for no reason! It's not bad.
The spaghetti really brings out the chocolate in the beef.
Great, gross.
Can we get back to class, please? Yeah, let's learn about America.
I love it! [GASPS.]
Did you know there's a state named after Flo Rida? The singer.
Mm.
Yeah, okay, we have a lot of work to do.
We brought magnets! [ALL EXCLAIMING.]
Okay, did everybody get a magnet? Not everyone got the one they wanted.
You got the sign for I-70.
That's the third biggest highway in Ohio.
Then trade me for Drew Carey.
Hell no, he's the pride of Cleveland.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, no, Jun Ho.
It's Heinrich! - Why is Heinrich calling? - Who's Heinrich? He's our dad's right-hand man or arsonist or whatever and he never calls.
- Pick up, pick up! - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Guten tag, Mei Lin and Jun Ho.
It has been one year since your father gave you a significant amount of his money for your business, and he requests a progress report.
The business um slaps.
I was just saying yesterday how the business slaps.
He was just saying that.
It goes off, so there's your update.
If it slaps as you say, there will be no problem when I arrive tomorrow and see for myself.
Oh, no, Dad's checking up on us.
This is so bad.
Our father is impossible to please.
One time someone sold him a Picasso that was "too cube-y," and he made the guy eat the painting frame, too.
Wait a second, this Heinrich guy, he said you guys have a business? I've only seen you wear a suit once, and it was completely backless.
It's for our immigration process.
We're in America on an EB-5 visa it's for investors of $1 million or more.
Is that not how you guys got your visas? What does your business do? Um stocks? No, no, no, It's computers? Or, like, tiny hats for dogs? It's somewhere in that area.
Whatever it is, we gotta figure it out quick.
I mean, Garrett, can can you help us? You're like the smartest business guy we know.
Uh that's probably not true.
I'm living in my sister's office until my Pokémon cards regain their value.
Please? If this goes badly, our dad will be so mad.
He could cut us off.
Or he could make us leave America and we've made so many good friends here.
Dad is so mean.
He's not like our moms.
Moms? I thought you were twins.
We're half-twins.
We were born at the same time to different moms.
- Where do your moms live? - Don't worry about it they're safe.
Didn't ask that, but, I can tell from the way you're saying it that they're definitely not safe.
Well, they are, though, and wherever they are, they're always free to come and go as they please.
But they never want to because they're safe.
That is so deeply concerning, but I did promise I'd help you, so I'm in! Let's go see your business.
Cool.
Do you remember where it is? Whoo! I did it.
With this three dollar tip from this $75 check, I finally have enough to buy my dream fridge! You know you can dream about anything, right? Like, you could be married to Kate Upton, in space, and you're just crushing her at "Fortnite.
" This fridge is my dream.
It has an ice maker that has three types of ice.
Cubed, crushed, and melted.
- You mean water? - It has three types of ice.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[TAPPING DOOR RHYTHMICALLY.]
Do you hear that? Music is truly everywhere No, no street performers.
[EXCLAIMS.]
¡Mi amor! This is my son, Erik.
Someday he's gonna be a Broadway star.
[SCOFFS.]
Everyone's a star in the greatest show of all life.
What a fun way to look at the world.
I like this guy! He wrote his very own play, all by himself.
Oh, it's a hip-hop musical based on the life of former Vice President Walter Mondale.
That sentence sucked.
Yeah, I was reading Mondale's autobiography, and I just like, "This is hip-hop.
" Fun! It sounds kind of like "Hamilton.
" It's nothing like "Hamilton.
" They took place in completely different years.
You're gonna trigger your psoriasis.
Ah, you're right.
So, have you talked to your bar manager? Is he willing to let this humble player tread these trusty boards? It's all set, baby.
You get to do your play right here! And I just have to babysit the boss's kids for a month.
No, you can't just put on your musical in a bar, okay? This is a sacred place.
People are trying to drink themselves to death.
I beg to differ.
There is a long tradition of troubadours traveling from alehouse to alehouse, pouring their stories from the taps of their souls into the mugs of our ears.
Yep, I'm done.
[GROANS.]
This is it.
- Whoa.
- Is someone there? My God, you're back.
You said you were going to lunch ten months ago.
What happened? Was it good? Hi, so what exactly is your job here? The thing is, after you guys hired me, you never actually told me what to do.
Now we have a task for you.
Go get us some doughnuts.
I have an MBA from Stanford.
Go get the doughnuts! - You're the boss.
- [GROANS.]
This is so bad.
If our dad finds out that we wasted all of his money, we are screwed.
What if he makes us leave America? We just saw Ohio we haven't even been to Flo Rida! We can figure this out, okay? We just have to come up with a business right here.
How hard can it be? That weird clown came up with McDonalds.
Okay, we just have to think of something to sell that everyone wants, but isn't opioids.
Oh one big shoe that fits both of your feet.
- Yes or opioids.
- Jun Ho, no! Okay, uh, a zoo that, instead of animals, it's celebrity babies.
Why can't our business do nothing? You guys actually happen to be talking to an expert in doing nothing.
My time in City Council taught me that most "work" is actually just the appearance of doing work.
For instance, if you walked by my office, you would've seen me typing away.
What you would not have seen was that the keyboard was unplugged and I was busy watching "G.
I.
Joe" re-runs.
Do you think Heinrich would fall for that? The entire city of New York fell for that which I regret.
I'm working on myself.
Oh, okay, but what do we do? The good news is, your dad isn't coming personally.
He's sending one of his lackeys, so I guess the best thing for us to do is to razzle-dazzle that person, make sure he doesn't think you're a couple of screw ups, and then we can get started on that big shoe.
I really like that idea.
I like your fake vision for our fake business.
You're fake hired.
Let's get to fake work.
Can we get to fake lunch first? If we want this to work, your business needs to seem professional.
That means we need to dress the part, so no more full-length minks.
Understood.
Shorter minks.
We also need to turn this empty shell of a room into an office.
Jun Ho, you're in charge of decorating.
Yes love.
Uh, what were you thinking? "Kitty Cat Catacomb"? "Mountain Dew Dollywood"? Office, okay.
Chairs, desks, computers.
Well, it's your money.
No, it's your money.
You know that, right? Oh, right.
I'm rich.
Mei Lin, I need you to hire some workers.
When Heinrich comes, this place needs to be filled with people.
Fill the office with hot people.
- They don't have to be hot.
- Well that's a deal breaker for me.
All right, fine.
Make them hot.
I'll do what I do best, which is talking endlessly without actually saying anything.
Oh, what exactly does the business do? Ah, yes.
What does the business do? We ideate logistical solutions to diversify deliverables with multi-platform synergy and pivot to B2B paradigms through disruptive mind shares.
Wow! What does that mean? Nothing it was nonsense, but Heinrich's never gonna know that.
Now, let's get out there and do this.
- You guys got this! - Got what? The whole hiring people and decorating thing - come on, man.
- Oh, you were talking to us? I thought you were explaining a movie.
Just go.
Look, what do you think? I sewed in reinforced elbows so that it stands up in the breakdance battle against Jimmy Carter.
I don't think Walter Mondale was ever a judge.
The robe is a metaphor for how the American people judged him.
In good art, things can be other things.
Mom, thank you so much for all of your hard work, but is there any way that we can make this neckline, like, 10% doper? Oh, mi amor, I'll make it 20% doper.
Love the enthusiasm, but I did say ten.
This dude sucks.
It's bad enough how hard he's making Griselda work.
But that's not even the worst part.
What's the worst part? He's making a musical.
Musicals stink.
I thought we were all on the same page about this.
I disagree.
He's an artist and Griselda's a good mother.
She seems happy to help.
Doesn't your mom let you live with her for free? This is a problem.
We need to help Griselda.
And I do with my mom, but it's not free.
I pay in kisses.
Aww.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
Jun Ho, I'm so impressed! Yeah, well, I do have a photographic memory of my dad's office.
He did lock me in there once for the entirety of the third grade because he didn't like a birthday card I made for him.
Yes I have PTSD, but I also have a great visual reference! Well, now who are all these people? They are our servants.
We explained what we're doing, and they're excited to help.
This is our gardener Yao.
Hey, nice to meet you, Yao.
Ah, sorry, bud.
I don't speak Chinese! And this is our spiritual shaman Shadowheart, but he's pretending to be a Microsoft Excel expert named Ryan.
Pain is beauty.
Cool, maybe you shouldn't talk.
Silence is pain.
Hey, guys, this could actually pass for a real business.
You should be very proud of yourselves.
Honestly, Jun Ho, you did so good.
Sometimes I wish I was you.
No, you did so good.
And listen, I know a lot of people say this, but when I die, I want you to take my skin, make me a jacket, and wear me every day.
- Aww, I already picked a designer.
- [GASPS.]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- All right, that's Heinrich.
Heinrich! Garrett Modi, Executive Vice President of Management Resources, East Coast Division.
My time is very valuable, Mr.
Modi.
Let us get down to business.
Yes, let's do a business.
Can we offer you a coffee? Water? - Bones of your enemies? - No thank you, Ryan.
He's new.
Let's make this production meeting quick.
I've got a lunch scheduled with the man I used to be.
How are the playbills coming? Pretty good.
We've only sold one ad to me.
Great, see if they'll buy more.
Did we get a pull-quote from the Mondale Historical Society? They said, um, "Please don't do this.
" Mother, I am so honored to be here with you on the precipice of greatness.
- Let's just close our eyes - Yes, yes.
take a deep breath [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
and leap.
Also, can you wash these tights? They're stinky.
[LAUGHS.]
Gratitude.
Of course, mi amor.
So, uh Erik is keeping you pretty busy.
This is his dream, so everything has to be perfect.
This is going to be the "T" in his EGOTTCCCKCBBMA.
His Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, Teen Choice, Critic's Choice, Kid's Choice, BAFTA, Billboard Music Award.
Right uh, speaking of dreams, - how's the new fridge? - The fridge is gonna have to wait.
The costs of the play keep adding up, so now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go online and bid on Walter Mondale's cufflinks.
Erik needs to feel him in his wrists.
- Just genius.
- Yeah.
Okay, you were right.
Erik is making Griselda give up her dream fridge.
- We need to talk to him.
- Yes I made a promise to myself to stop any musical if I had the chance.
New York needs us right now.
Welcome to Business Investment Solutions where the future of today meets the tomorrow of yesterday.
Now, we can sit here all day and tell you how we're optimizing our core assets across multiple sectors, or we can just cut right to the chase.
Let's run the numbers.
In the first year of operation, companies like Amazon and Google lost hundreds of millions of dollars.
Business Investment Solutions, however, lost only the cost of office space and one mid-level employee.
If we project outwards, the results really speak for themselves.
Now how am I so sure of that? I just know.
I must call your father now.
So, what do you think? Do you think we pulled it off? I don't know, this guy's really hard to read.
Oh, he's coming, he's coming be cool! I have told your father exactly what was going on here Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.
And he's intrigued.
He will come in person to do a complete financial analysis and if I were you, I would make sure every single dollar is accounted for.
And have some Fresca in the fridge.
He likes Fresca.
Oh, my God, Mei Lin.
We did it! Our dad's finally gonna be proud of us.
He might even hug us for once instead of sending one of those bodyguards do it.
And maybe we'll see him smile finally, and put to rest that rumor that he has fangs.
No, guys, hey! This is actually really bad.
Your dad wants to come see our books.
We don't have any books! We made that part up, remember? He's going to see through this.
Oh, my God, you're right.
What if the rumors are true and he really does have fangs? This can still work, okay? We just need to come up with another business idea to keep this thing going, like a hospital for verified Twitter users only.
Or like glasses that, when you wear them, you can see how much poop is in someone.
Or, we can still build that celebrity baby zoo.
Hey, Yao, get Chicago West on the phone immediately.
Look, guys, we had a good run, but it's over.
It's time to come clean.
Your dad is way too smart for this besides, we don't have nearly enough time for R-and-D on poop glasses.
You can't bail now.
This was your idea.
I know that and it was a really bad one.
Trust me, every bone in my body wants to double down on this right now, but when does that end? I spent my entire life faking it.
Where has that gotten me? I went from partying with Criss Angel to sleeping on my sister's couch.
Which one of those is supposed to be the bad one? I'm really sorry, okay? But if you want my advice, just tell him the truth.
Tell the truth? Okay, let's play that one out.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Dad.
- Mm? We forgot to start a business and we wasted a bunch of your money.
- Oh, honey, that's okay.
- Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
I thought that you'd be ah, what's that? Oh, my God, it's bees! So many bees! Dad, call off the bees! [LAUGHING.]
Okay, are you happy now? Mei Lin is dead.
Does anybody else have any other pitches? No bad ideas.
Blood dungeon.
Wow, Shadowheart, love that you're pitching, but I don't see "blood dungeon" as a viable business option.
You said no bad ideas.
Well, we just heard one.
Okay, Yao, how about you? Come see "Mondale"! The musical that has received three cease-and-desist letters from Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Yo, man, we need to talk.
You're being a real buttmunch to your mom.
Buttmunch? Moi ? We feel like you're taking advantage of Griselda's kindness.
Mother is my best friend after the theatre, of course.
If she had a problem with any of this, she would've told me.
So you don't care that she had to give up her dream fridge? A fridge of dreams? Whatever do you mean? She spent eight months saving for the one thing she wanted.
And now all that money is gone to this.
I had no idea.
I have been so selfish.
Thank you for telling me.
Good note.
Erik exits in contemplation.
We came up with a plan that will solve everything.
- You take the blame.
- Like you said, this is all your fault.
So just say that this was your idea and then Dad will be mad at you and not us and then you'll be the one exiled onto Skull Island.
I'm obviously not doing that.
Look, just admit that you messed up.
Yes, he'll probably be mad at you, but then he'll get over it.
You know why? 'Cause he's your dad.
Well, what if he's so angry that we don't see him again for another ten years? Sorry, you haven't seen your father in ten years? Well, technically he sent one of his doubles to our high school graduation, so it's been more like 12.
I still can't figure out what we did to upset him.
Do you think it's because we drove one of his tanks to prom without asking? Oh, my God, we put it right back.
Guys, you're making it seem like you're to blame.
Clearly he's the problem.
You have an absentee father.
Oh, my God, you're right.
I have a hole in my heart, and it's not from the ketamine.
Dad gives us money, but I'd rather have him.
- And the money.
- Oh, of course.
I mean, the money would be there in every scenario.
Guys, if you want him in your life more, you need to say so.
Also, while you're at it, find out where your moms are.
We told you they're safe.
Hey, Erik just told me he quit "Mondale" because of you two.
He said he's going to apply for a job here at the bar.
- This is a terrible job.
- You work here.
Yeah, that's how I know it's terrible! Erik was clearly taking advantage of you, and we stopped it.
You two idiots had no right to do that.
I work this hard so that my son can have a better life, not so that he can have my life.
And do either of you know what I wanted to be when I was young? An astronaut.
But sadly, the Dominican Republic Space Program didn't accept me.
- Really? - No, dummy, it doesn't exist.
But if I had grown up here in America, who knows? And that's why I'm here, so that my son can pursue his dreams.
And ever since he was seven years old, he wanted to be on stage.
I was working as an usher at "Movin' Out," Billy Joel's musical, and I used to sneak him in so he could watch it.
And that's when he fell in love with the theatre and harmless piano rock.
Ah, we did not know all that because we didn't bother to ask before interfering in your life.
Look, is Erik's play confusing? Yes.
Is he playing too many roles? Absolutely.
Does the sex scene work? Definitely not.
I saw him rehearse that.
It is way too graphic.
I actually didn't mind it, but I have not had sex in many months.
I want Erik to do whatever he wants to do with his life, and that is more important to me than some silly refrigerator.
For what it's worth, I thought Erik's play was awesome.
Hakim's the one who's got this weird thing against musicals I don't want to hear it! You two need to fix it.
BOTH: This is all your fault.
All right, he'll be here any minute.
Are you ready to tell your dad how you really feel? I think so.
He's gonna walk in here and I'm gonna say, "Dad, you have been neglecting us our entire lives.
" Yeah, and I'm gonna say, "Dad, we didn't get to spend "a lot of time with you, so you're gonna take us "to the park like a normal family, we're gonna buy the park, "clear out all the people, hire them back to make us a picnic, and then we're going to play catch.
" Wow, it's crazy you guys aren't more messed up.
Well, we would be if it weren't for each other.
We keep each other grounded.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- All right, whatever happens, I'm right here with you, okay? You can do it.
Hello! You guys, New York is amazing.
I just took a "Sex and the City" Segway tour, and I got to drink a cosmo at Steve and Aiden's bar.
You must do this every weekend.
- I did it once.
- No, we don't.
- Where's our dad? - Oh, right.
He will not be coming because let me make sure I got this right he does not consider you worthy of his time at this moment.
Wow, I'm really sorry, guys.
- He's really not coming? - Not even one of the holograms that he sends when he thinks there might be assassins? Unfortunately, the hologram is awaiting trial at the Hague.
Of course, this is what he does.
Okay, we were stupid to think that we matter to him.
Hey, wait a second, Heinrich, I have something to say.
Tell your boss that Mei Lin and Jun Ho don't deserve to be treated like this.
I know what it's like to fake your way through life, and that's not what they're doing.
They come to every single one of my classes; they're doing everything they can to become citizens.
I'm really proud of them.
He should be, too.
And if he doesn't want to be a part of their lives, that's his loss.
And tell him that I didn't like it when he hired Morgan Freeman to teach us how to ride bikes because it just put more pressure on us.
And I didn't like it when on "Take Your Kid to Work Day," he made me enlist in one of his private militias, even though I made a lot of friends in Mogadishu.
And tell him that if he wants to talk to us in the future, that he needs to do it in person! But not too early, 'cause I need to rest.
I will try to remember all of that, but I have had quite a few Cosmos today.
I'm such a Carrie! That was amazing! That couldn't have been easy for you.
It would have been better if we yelled it at our real dad, but it helped that you were here for us every step of the way kind of like a dad.
Oh, my God.
Garret's our daddy.
Nope, I'm not.
I don't wanna do that.
- Why not, Daddy? - No stop it.
- [BOTH CHANTING.]
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - Guys, no, nope It's my honor to introduce a musical so attuned to the human condition that it will make you rethink what it is to be alive.
Walter Mondale was a father, a senator, a presidential candidate, but most importantly, Walter Mondale was you.
[WHISPERING.]
I hate this so much.
BOTH: We give you "Mondale"! Yes! Whoo! Son of a Methodist minister Flexible liberal Camp David Accords Is what I am bringin' ya Straight outta Minnesota yo I cannot fail My name is Walter Frederick Call me "Fritz" Mondale I wasn't here for most of this what is happening? Shh! I got a lot of new ideas But still I promise to be brief In the polls you're dead meat Till you show us where's the beef?! Which one's Gary Hart and which one's Mondale? I have no idea, I think those are the same wig.
Ronald Reagan, you may have defeated me in the Electoral College, but I challenge you to a duel.
Walter Mondale, tear down this wall.
[DRAMATIC SYMPHONIC MUSIC.]
Hey, none of this happened.
- Bang! - [GASPS.]
I may have died today, but I gave birth to a nation.
Walter Mondale is still alive.
Remember my name.
Alex Walter.
Walter Mondale.
Whoo, yes! My baby did it.
That's my Mondale! Yes! Thank you.
No, seriously.
Oh, my God.
Look, if I may, I just I just want to take a moment to acknowledge the reason I'm on this stage tonight.
- Oh.
- Mama, can you come up here? She sacrificed a lot to give me this opportunity, so tonight's ticket sales will go towards you buying your new dream refrigerator.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Mi amor, oh! It is my grand pleasure to present you with $45.
She lent you, like, 700 bucks! Who cares? My son is a working actor now.