Superjail! (2007) s01e04 Episode Script
Cold-Blooded
Time, weather, and Oh.
Whew! Ugh.
Hmm.
Aah! # Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be # # You know, the world's gone crazy # # And it ain't safe on the street # # Oh, we're losing track # # And I know there's only one place to go # # I'm coming home # # Whoa, yeah # # I'm coming home # Aah! Unbelievable.
Horrible.
What a man I mean, monster.
His first day in Superjail, and he's got them all terrified! What's he in for? Where do I start?! The things he's done are beyond obscene! I'll show him obscene.
He lives alone in an old farmhouse that was next to a graveyard.
He spent his time digging up cadavers and making grotesque homeware like lamps and furniture out of human body parts.
Ooh, the creative type.
Why do they show him so much fear and respect and not me? I need to understand what makes this lunatic tick! They say you don't truly understand someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
He made his out of the skin of a school teacher from Tacoma.
Jared, I could make sweet, sweet love to your big, bald head.
That's a fantastic idea! We'll send a staff member undercover to probe his mind.
Just give me five minutes with that psycho.
He'll tell you everything you want to know.
No, this is no job for a lady, Alice.
Jared, meet your new roommate.
No fair.
I want to go.
Yeah, let Alice go! Stop being selfish, Jared.
Alice is trying to help you develop some self-esteem and leadership qualities.
This is bull Nuh-unh-unh.
Aaaah! She'll get over it.
Sir, you can't lock me up with that animal! Are you sure he's gonna look like a psychopath? Ah, see for yourself.
Hideous.
Let's go, Jared.
Remember, you only have 48 hours until he turns back into ugly Jared! He's all yours.
Now, let's go, people.
And make it look real, okay? Who are they yelling at? You, fish! Ow! Why Come on, Jailbot.
The Warden said make it look real.
Aaah! You ruined my chance with the new guy.
I hope he makes your head into a throw pillow.
Look at the bright side.
At least you're gonna get laid tonight.
Later, dead man.
Mama bird to baby bird, are you ready to leave the nest? Over.
Sir, please, I'm begging you! You're doing great, buddy.
Look, the second anything goes wrong, just say the safe word.
Jailbot will pull you right out of there, okay? Over.
What's the safe word? "Baby make wee-wee.
" Over.
"Baby make wee-wee" isn't a word, sir.
Fine, a safe phrase, okay? Now, get into character! Baby make wee-wee! I achieved the kill screen again.
Boring again.
Time for a new game.
Ah, Alice, just in time.
I'm about to turn on Jared's moustache cam.
Oh, it's you.
Where's Alice? Pbht.
Women.
Oh! Ah! Phew.
Aaah! He's dead! Jared, what the hell, man? I don't know what happened! You killed him.
That's what happened.
I'm sorry, sir, but, please, get me out of here! Not so fast.
I think you should stay in that cell for a while till you've learned your lesson or until I need someone to completely screw something else up! No, sir, please! Someone's coming! Holy The new guy killed him! In his own cell.
Man, that's cold.
No, no.
I didn't.
He slipped! Hey, hey, friend.
Whatever you say.
Baddest dude in here, and you put him down like it was nothing.
That's right, you mother I killed him, and I don't think nothing of it! Any of you maggots so much as look at me wrong, and I'll kill you, too! There's a new boss in town me! Let's get this land party started right.
Are y'all ready for this? Three, two, one.
Ah, you're the only one I can count on these days.
I should have sent you in there.
Jailbot! Have you flipped your chip? Aah! Aaaah! Ugh.
It's freezing in here.
I'll warm you up.
Well, well.
Hello, handsome.
Oh, I get it.
You're the quiet type.
That's okay.
Words are for losers.
Why don't we skip this and go straight to dessert? I heard he had that dude nailed to the wall.
And then he had him skinned.
And then he stretched him out like a hammock.
And then he took a power nap on him, I guess.
Shh! Quiet! Here he comes.
I could get used to this.
Boss! Boss! You got to do something! The robot is wasting everyone! Who, jailbot? Yeah, he's gone psycho! Aah! I'll handle this.
All right, tomato can, who told you you could mess with my people? Okay, buddy.
Make it look good.
Don't blow my cover.
Come on, dummy! Aah! Baby make wee-wee.
Oh! Yo, yo, that was a close one, boss.
Don't worry.
We got a plan to beat that toaster.
Come on! Aah! Frag the noobs.
R- o-t-f-I.
So, what do you think, boss? I don't know.
Maybe when it's finished.
What do you mean "when"? It's finished.
Yeah, we're gonna pound his metal ass into the ground! Uh, yeah, killer dudes! Who's the lucky guy that's gonna get to drive this thing? You funny, boss.
Only the most deadliest, badass, psycho mother in this room you.
Oh, right.
Jailbot! What are you doing?! Damn it! Kick his ass, boss! Wait! M- m-maybe one of you guys should Jailbot, it's me Jared.
Aah! Ooh! Aah! Alice, what are you doing here? Jailbot's w Alice? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! It froze.
Game over.
Look, a snow day.
Let us make snow persons.
Whew! Ugh.
Hmm.
Aah! # Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be # # You know, the world's gone crazy # # And it ain't safe on the street # # Oh, we're losing track # # And I know there's only one place to go # # I'm coming home # # Whoa, yeah # # I'm coming home # Aah! Unbelievable.
Horrible.
What a man I mean, monster.
His first day in Superjail, and he's got them all terrified! What's he in for? Where do I start?! The things he's done are beyond obscene! I'll show him obscene.
He lives alone in an old farmhouse that was next to a graveyard.
He spent his time digging up cadavers and making grotesque homeware like lamps and furniture out of human body parts.
Ooh, the creative type.
Why do they show him so much fear and respect and not me? I need to understand what makes this lunatic tick! They say you don't truly understand someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
He made his out of the skin of a school teacher from Tacoma.
Jared, I could make sweet, sweet love to your big, bald head.
That's a fantastic idea! We'll send a staff member undercover to probe his mind.
Just give me five minutes with that psycho.
He'll tell you everything you want to know.
No, this is no job for a lady, Alice.
Jared, meet your new roommate.
No fair.
I want to go.
Yeah, let Alice go! Stop being selfish, Jared.
Alice is trying to help you develop some self-esteem and leadership qualities.
This is bull Nuh-unh-unh.
Aaaah! She'll get over it.
Sir, you can't lock me up with that animal! Are you sure he's gonna look like a psychopath? Ah, see for yourself.
Hideous.
Let's go, Jared.
Remember, you only have 48 hours until he turns back into ugly Jared! He's all yours.
Now, let's go, people.
And make it look real, okay? Who are they yelling at? You, fish! Ow! Why Come on, Jailbot.
The Warden said make it look real.
Aaah! You ruined my chance with the new guy.
I hope he makes your head into a throw pillow.
Look at the bright side.
At least you're gonna get laid tonight.
Later, dead man.
Mama bird to baby bird, are you ready to leave the nest? Over.
Sir, please, I'm begging you! You're doing great, buddy.
Look, the second anything goes wrong, just say the safe word.
Jailbot will pull you right out of there, okay? Over.
What's the safe word? "Baby make wee-wee.
" Over.
"Baby make wee-wee" isn't a word, sir.
Fine, a safe phrase, okay? Now, get into character! Baby make wee-wee! I achieved the kill screen again.
Boring again.
Time for a new game.
Ah, Alice, just in time.
I'm about to turn on Jared's moustache cam.
Oh, it's you.
Where's Alice? Pbht.
Women.
Oh! Ah! Phew.
Aaah! He's dead! Jared, what the hell, man? I don't know what happened! You killed him.
That's what happened.
I'm sorry, sir, but, please, get me out of here! Not so fast.
I think you should stay in that cell for a while till you've learned your lesson or until I need someone to completely screw something else up! No, sir, please! Someone's coming! Holy The new guy killed him! In his own cell.
Man, that's cold.
No, no.
I didn't.
He slipped! Hey, hey, friend.
Whatever you say.
Baddest dude in here, and you put him down like it was nothing.
That's right, you mother I killed him, and I don't think nothing of it! Any of you maggots so much as look at me wrong, and I'll kill you, too! There's a new boss in town me! Let's get this land party started right.
Are y'all ready for this? Three, two, one.
Ah, you're the only one I can count on these days.
I should have sent you in there.
Jailbot! Have you flipped your chip? Aah! Aaaah! Ugh.
It's freezing in here.
I'll warm you up.
Well, well.
Hello, handsome.
Oh, I get it.
You're the quiet type.
That's okay.
Words are for losers.
Why don't we skip this and go straight to dessert? I heard he had that dude nailed to the wall.
And then he had him skinned.
And then he stretched him out like a hammock.
And then he took a power nap on him, I guess.
Shh! Quiet! Here he comes.
I could get used to this.
Boss! Boss! You got to do something! The robot is wasting everyone! Who, jailbot? Yeah, he's gone psycho! Aah! I'll handle this.
All right, tomato can, who told you you could mess with my people? Okay, buddy.
Make it look good.
Don't blow my cover.
Come on, dummy! Aah! Baby make wee-wee.
Oh! Yo, yo, that was a close one, boss.
Don't worry.
We got a plan to beat that toaster.
Come on! Aah! Frag the noobs.
R- o-t-f-I.
So, what do you think, boss? I don't know.
Maybe when it's finished.
What do you mean "when"? It's finished.
Yeah, we're gonna pound his metal ass into the ground! Uh, yeah, killer dudes! Who's the lucky guy that's gonna get to drive this thing? You funny, boss.
Only the most deadliest, badass, psycho mother in this room you.
Oh, right.
Jailbot! What are you doing?! Damn it! Kick his ass, boss! Wait! M- m-maybe one of you guys should Jailbot, it's me Jared.
Aah! Ooh! Aah! Alice, what are you doing here? Jailbot's w Alice? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! It froze.
Game over.
Look, a snow day.
Let us make snow persons.