SurrealEstate (2021) s01e04 Episode Script
A House Is Not a Home
1
♪
Previously on SurrealEstate
LUKE: I'm about one thing.
Protecting the God-given,
market-driven value
of your property from
anything in this world
(GRUNT)
or the next. Don't even ask.
That should be our company slogan.
- None of the others like me.
- We need you.
The technical term is telekinesis.
It happened to you when you were my age?
I set things on fire.
Let them see who you really are.
I bet they'll like her.
Brock moved out.
- Really?
- We're done.
If you like her, you should make a move.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
(WAVES HITTING SHORE)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(HORSE NICKERS)
SOPHIE: Duncan.
Duncan!
DUNCAN: You're beautiful, babe.
You're snoring, or
making, like, horse sounds.
Roll over.
Okay.
(SNORING)
(GROANS)
(FOOTFALLS ON STAIRS)
(TAP RUNNING)
(CLATTERING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
♪♪♪
(BLOWING WIND)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SLURPING)
(COUGHING)
(CHOKING)
(WATER SPRAYING ONTO FLOOR)
(DOORBELL)
- Susan.
- Duncan! Welcome home!
A little bubbly for you
guys and a new little friend!
Settling in okay?
Mm-hm.
Forget million-dollar
views this is priceless!
You guys must be loving it!
Sophie's a little under
the weather this morning.
Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.
She'll pull through.
You know, Susan, we
specifically requested
Cloud White on the ceilings,
but this seems
cloudy.
They didn't use Arctic
Dove instead, did they?
Surely not.
The seller's contractor received
your punch list last week.
- Oh, look, I know you're just the broker agent
- Just the ?
Duncan,
I have had the honor of bringing
you and this property together.
Your ongoing happiness is
my personal responsibility.
I'm moved to hear you say that.
Especially since you insisted
on writing that precise language
into the contract and made
our fees and commissions
contingent upon it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um, as for the paint?
It looks gorgeous, but I'll
check with the painter, okay?
Mm-hm.
The water pressure is atrocious.
It's like being drooled
on by an old person.
Oh, Susan. Hey!
Sophie! Are you feeling okay?
I think it's stress.
Did Duncan tell you the disturbing news
- about the Arctic Dove?
- Ah.
There is always a tiny hiccup or two
moving into a new place.
These hiccups are temporary,
but the ocean outside
your window is forever.
Take it in.
(BURBLING WATER)
(MOANING)
(THEME MUSIC)
(MAN SCREAMING)
LUKE: So, here's the deal:
We always pretty much focus
on the high-end custom market.
But just for a moment, let
us think outside the box.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Uhh, that's a lot of
boxes to think out of.
This is the Somerset Estates,
a master-planned community
where families live, work,
shop and play.
It's like they're not so much a builder,
they're more like a 3D printer.
What they are is volume.
And cash flow.
Yes! Thank you! My point exactly.
Houses are built to live
in and not to look on;
therefore, let use be
preferred before uniformity.
- So, are you with me on this?
- Always.
But Francis Bacon believes
you might be full of shit.
Anyway, the developer, he
reached out to me last night.
Greg Chisholm, an old nemesis.
This is huge!
They move, like, 80 units a month.
Oh, not anymore. Their
volume is way down,
they're having quality
issues like crazy.
Their buyers are pretty close
to the torch-and-pitchfork stages
and they're getting
killed on social media.
Product liability lawyers are probably
creeping out of their
coffins as we speak.
The developer he is hitting
the panic button, big time.
So, why'd they call us?
Because, apparently,
somebody believes that many of
these issues cannot be explained away
simply by shoddy workmanship.
I told him we would check it out.
Can you handle this without me?
My influencers by the sea are turning
out to be very high-maintenance.
And they are the ones threatening
to tear up our contract, right?
In the nicest, most loving way.
'Kay, you go ahead.
(KNOCKS ON TABLE) We got this.
(FUNKY BADASS MUSIC)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(FUNKY MUSIC FADES OUT)
Greg Chisholm.
Hello, Luke.
Been a while.
(WESTERN MUSIC)
I didn't know you were doing
master-planned communities.
Man's gotta earn a living.
But you'd know that,
working in that weird
little niche of yours.
Hope there's no hard
feelings over Balmoral Farms.
(VULTURE SCREECHING)
Another time. Another place.
(STROLLER RATTLES AND CREAKS)
So,
shall we get to it?
You guys want to take a
look around the neighborhood?
My people'd be glad to show you around.
Thanks
But we ride alone.
(WESTERN MUSIC REPRISE)
Understand you're having some QC issues.
Our quality control
protocols lead the industry.
Our challenges run a bit deeper.
Identical problems happening
at virtually the same time
here and here and here.
Windows shattering.
Floorboards splintering.
Genuine simulated granite
Formica countertops splitting in two.
Not stuff you usually see
in quality-built new product.
Luke, we're both men of the world.
You know that with the
kind of volume we do,
corners get cut; compromises get made.
There'll always be a few
whiny perfectionists out there.
How many complaints
are we talking about?
(FOOTSTEPS)
(FILE DRAWER OPENING)
That is a buttload of
whiny perfectionists, Greg.
So, can you help us out or not?
(SCOFFS)
- Why us? Why now?
- My boss.
His wife's into crystals and
séances and yoga and shit.
Thinks there's something more
happening besides bad construction.
Boss asked me about it;
told him I knew a guy.
Send me those files.
Complaints, the development plats,
the site plans, the model
schematics everything.
We'll do what we do and
we'll get back to you.
Look, Luke,
if you can help us out here now, we can
make it worth your while.
Like you did at Balmoral Farms?
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(BEEPS AND ELECTRONIC HUMS)
You picking up anything?
This feels like the least
haunted place in North America.
We are looking for wandering souls
in a soulless environment.
Hardly seems productive.
That's why I like the Donovan place.
It's a creepshow that dares to
look like a creepshow, right?
What?
(LOUDER AND FASTER BEEPS AND HUMS)
Something odd.
DAD: Kieran! Tiffany!
Lunch is ready.
(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC)
(TIFFANY SCREAMS)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
WOMAN 2: Ah!
Okay, where were we?
Um Items 27 forward are:
incessant pounding noise;
light switches have weird texture;
water pooling on floors.
More like "seeps".
Just appears it's not
like we're spilling it.
She knows, Duncan.
Well, I'm sorry, you asked
me to be more thorough.
Right, but you're
mansplaining what pooling is.
You know, it really hurts me
when you just throw that term around.
Sometimes it's just explaining!
- With a penis.
- Guys, let's just get through this, okay?
Arctic Dove, not Cloud White
and wobbly walls.
Sorry, I
Ca-can you unpack that for me? Wobbly?
Every time I walk by this
mirror, it's, like, moving.
And it happens upstairs, too.
I need mirrors to be impeccable.
- I'm an influencer, so
- Sophie,
they're your mirrors.
They work fine everywhere else.
So the problem must be with the walls.
Mm-hm.
(SIGH) Let me look around;
take a few measurements.
Check a few colour chips.
And then let's talk.
(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC REPRISE)
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
So, we have what?
17 houses with spontaneous
breakages and system failures. Phil?
Dirt is clean.
No sign of environmental engagement
or histocultural plangency.
Augie?
As we wandered through the neighborhood
there was a sudden spike in our
Photoreactive Terraform Analysis.
Multiple locations.
It vanished as quickly as it appeared.
Well, we are missing something.
How many different models do they have?
Six.
- All named after famous forts.
- (ZOOEY SNORTS)
The Halifax. The Delaware.
The Independence. The
Sumter. The McHenry. The
- What?
- Ah
I thought you said famous farts.
(LAUGHS)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Can you put up the aerial plat?
All the places that stuff
happened are marked with an X.
Can you overlay the
location of different models?
♪♪♪
(BEEP)
(BEEP, BEEP)
Bingo.
They're all Delawares.
So, here's what I'm going to do:
some of these I can get a
contractor out to fix right away.
As in tonight?
It's 8:30.
Tomorrow, probably.
Uh, the rest, um, I'd
like to bring to my team.
It-it may be the property
itself has some eccentricities.
We'll get some experts to
sort them all out, okay?
We'd really appreciate that.
Because we're still within the
five days to register complaints
so if they're not fixed
we don't want to do this
- We'd hate to do this
- I would weep like Dumbo's mother.
But, then we'd dry our
tears and I'd have the bank
stop the transfer of your fees
as specified in your contract.
Okay. Thanks, Susie Q! Drive safe, okay?
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
(CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC)
(PEN DOWN)
(PHONE DINGS AND VIBRATES)
(TEXT SWOOP)
(SWOOP)
(CLICKING)
(LONG SIGH)
(CLICKING)
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(MUSIC SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)
Meg, you really know how to pick 'em.
(BLOWING WIND)
(RACING ENGINE)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(SCREAMS)
(METAL CRUNCHING)
And bam! Into the ditch!
I had to call a tow truck.
And it was a guy on a horse?
We could have sold it as
an equestrian property.
- Upped the price.
- Ah, this place was empty for years.
Run-down cottage on an
overgrown lot with a killer view
before the owner decided to
finally renovate cash out.
We need Phil and August up
there to find out what
really is
what?
Excuse us?
(PHIL SCOFFS)
Remember when you told me it
was better for Phil and August
- not to meet clients?
- Mm-hm.
Duncan and Sophie are
literally the clients
you were talking about.
Okay.
Tell them to take a few
days somewhere nice
spa, hotel, whatever on us.
And then we'll do our
thing while they're gone.
(INHALES)
By the way, my car's in the shop.
- (PHONE BUTTON CLICKS)
- Zooey!
It is your lucky day.
You get to drive Susan out to the coast.
And leave her for dead, right?
This is why we don't have H.R.
(HANGS UP PHONE)
Road trip!
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Road trip.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
So, here's the thing:
I still cannot fathom,
for the life of me,
why Luke hired you.
I mean,
Phil has those amazing
research chops and August?
He can duct tape a KitchenAid
mixer to a walkie talkie
and use it to summon a
Sumerian trickster God. And me?
Well, it's self-explanatory.
But why you?
I'm a closer.
That's another way of saying I'm profit.
You're overhead.
♪♪♪
The Delaware.
That model's been nothing
but trouble since we built it.
Anything special about it?
Just the sunroom.
Our CEO was going through
an artsy-fartsy period
and he ripped off
that is, he was inspired by
the house that his partner
had designed for himself.
Stuck a big sunroom on the back.
At first, we called it
a "soothing solarium"
until the focus groups pointed us
toward "inspiring conservatory".
(LAUGHS)
You know, move in
become a tortured artist.
Hang on. Here we go
From the front it looks like
most of our other product.
But around the back and
Boom!
These sold like crazy for a while,
but fell off fast.
Today's buyer values
multi-functional spaces
and gourmet kitchens with
cantilevered eat-in areas
more than inspiration.
Wonder
Any chance in talking
to the original designer?
The partner?
They had a falling out.
He left.
I think he died a few years later.
What about the original house?
Can you get me an address?
Probably.
Look, Luke,
if you find out what's causing
all this, don't mess around.
Kill it. Destroy it. Send
this thing back to hell,
or wherever these things go.
Make me a hero to my boss
and his whack-job wife.
You help me parlay this
into a sweet promotion,
I'll make it worth your while!
Just get me that address, okay?
(UPBEAT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
FEMALE MAP VOICE: Turn
left and your destination
will be on your right.
You have arrived.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
ANGRY MAN VOICE: Go away!
(RUMBLING)
(TREE TRUNK CRACKING)
Ooh!
(GRUNT)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
You're Bernard Nightingale.
You talkin' to me?
Talkin'?
How's that work?
It's a long story.
Mind if I come in?
♪♪♪
No. Not there.
(SNIFFLES)
You designed this, Bernard?
Bernie, please.
Yes, I designed it.
Very nice.
It's a hellhole!
(GROANS)
I designed it
for her.
My fiancée.
Every inch,
every corner.
Just for her.
And the sunroom.
Lucy loved the sunshine.
(LABOURED BREATHS)
What happened?
Six months after we
moved into our forever home
she ran off with my own brother.
I'm sorry.
It gets better. It gets much better.
Not only did I have to
live in this place, but
my old partner
the bastard
he dug my plans out of
the trash and built more.
A whole bunch more! (HEAVY INHALE)
Every one of them a knife.
A knife stabbing into my guts.
You know, what you are doing in here
happens at every house like this.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, you know.
This house
full of misery.
So anybody who ever lives here
is gonna be miserable, too.
It's my pain,
but they're gonna goddamn feel it!
(YELLS) (LAUGHS MANICALLY)
(RUMBLING AND RATTLING)
(SCREAMING)
This paint color is fine!
These people are insane.
(SHUTTER CLICKING)
Hey! There's people working down here!
Geez. Hey, these ninja puddles are real.
Oh.
(SIGHS) It's getting pretty
late. We should probably go soon.
Ah, Duncan and Sophie complained
about disturbances at night.
Late. Which we need to assess.
On site. In real time.
Don't even joke about it.
It's a sleepover, girlfriend.
(LAUGHS)
Saw a liquor cabinet, right?
- Oh, hells, yes.
- Yeah. I'm going to kill Luke.
(HAPPY WHISTLING)
Working late.
I've heard that you have
something you may need to dispatch.
Oh, I hope it doesn't come to that.
Just a sad, old, pissed-off
spirit that can't move on.
I know the feeling.
I'm afraid he's gonna hurt somebody.
Like a kid in one of those houses.
Not on purpose, but he's
At the risk of invoking
an unpleasant memory,
I would remind you of the Travis house.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Point taken.
Perhaps Phil and I should come along?
Susan may need help on the coast.
I'm going to need you to stand by here.
Unless you run into
something unprecedented
this should do the trick.
I'm told that our client
requested that you
quote
send it back to hell, unquote.
This should allow you to instantly
render the entity to
irreparable particles.
Death beyond death.
If the moment comes,
don't hesitate.
♪♪♪
- You set him on fire?
- No!
Just the draperies.
And the wastebasket.
I melted his printer.
Ooh! I don't believe you.
Who knows about this?
Luke.
My mom. (SIGH)
The guys at a certain Del Taco
that is no longer standing.
I still don't believe you.
- Ouch.
- That Livingston guy.
- God, he sounds like the worst.
- Ugh! I know, right?
But, at the time,
I still thought that Bob
Livingston was my soul mate.
(SCOFFS)
- Sorry.
- What, you don't believe in soul mates, either?
Come on! Soul mates are
purely mythical beasts.
Like Bigfoot.
Or Tom Cruise.
You just haven't found him yet.
Have you?
Mm.
(SIGHS) Kyle Sommer.
His family moved to town my
sophomore year of high school.
God, I was a completely
different person with him.
I was happier. I was wittier.
I wore pastels.
- Once.
- See?
That's a soul mate.
I graduated from high school,
I went away to college and Kyle didn't.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Only found out later that he'd
hurt his back working construction.
So, he started taking
oxy to handle the pain.
And my Kyle was never a
go-halfway kind of person.
He started taking more and then
he started dealing to pay for his habit.
Salesman of the month.
That was my Kyle.
Um,
he was dead by summer.
They buried him in
his letterman's jacket.
The same one I'd worn
all through senior year.
Mm.
So, if he was my soul mate,
I guess I'm pretty much out of the game.
(SIGHS)
To Kyle.
And all the other guys
who don't deserve us.
(GLASSES CLINK)
Mm. (CLEARS THROAT)
I am going to go sleep in the car.
- You coming?
- I am going to stay here.
There could be some
pheranormal Phermanomal
There could be some
spookies I need to observe.
Mm-hm.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(SIGHS)
(WAVES ONTO SHORE)
(CREEPY MUSIC)
(BLOWING WIND)
(HOOFBEATS IN DISTANCE)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(WATER DROP SPLASHING)
Mm.
(WATER SPLASHING)
(GASPING WITH FEAR)
- (GHOSTS GROANING)
- (SCREAM)
Shit!
(GASP)
(GUTTURAL MOANS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(NERVOUS BREATHING)
No! No!
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
No! No!
(HORN HONKING)
(BLOWING WIND)
(SCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
(HEAVY BREATHS)
(RELIEVED SIGH)
I heard Zooey's car horn and then
they were gone.
They walked away? Or, like, disappeared?
They were there and then
they weren't.
They looked mad.
Pissed off sailors.
I wonder why.
I coughed up about ten gallons
of water last night, so
I'm a little out of sorts myself.
Did you save any of it?
Hm.
Okay.
Okay, I'll head to the
village historical society.
There's got to be something they
left out of the history books.
(SUSAN SIGHS)
She looks so peaceful.
Almost like she's dead.
Hm. You wish.
Come on, Greg.
He's a sad old guy with a broken heart.
What are we? A
non-profit? Blow him away!
I thought you didn't
believe in these things.
Who cares what I believe in.
I've got a CEO with a wife who believes.
I've got homeowners
who've just had trees fall
in their front yards and
their own personal earthquakes.
I've got lawyers using
words like criminal liability
and class action.
Luke, double your fee
and an ongoing retainer
if you off him now.
Be smart.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(PHONE TRILLING)
- AUGUST: Hello.
- Hey, August.
Who was that architect you
used to go skydiving with?
(PAGES RUSTLING)
(QUIET SIGH)
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
(PHONE TRILLING)
Come on, come on, come
on. Pick up. Pick up.
A lighthouse?
Th-the only lighthouse
is miles up the coast.
No! This is the old lighthouse.
They tore it down in 1887!
But it was right there!
- Right where you're standing!
- Freaky.
So, it's this foggy day in
1811 and the lighthouse keeper
decides to go into town to see his wife.
He must have fallen asleep, I guess,
because he wakes up with her in
the middle of the night and realizes,
"Oh, God! It's pitch black".
So, he's-he's racing his
horse to the lighthouse
because he's gotta light the lamp.
It's dark as the grave, you understand.
I mean, there isn't even the moon!
And then he hears the most awful sound.
SAILOR: Brace yourselves!
No. NO!
A ship comes in too close.
They can't see, right?
No lighthouse. No moon.
So it crashes on the rocks.
Nearly a hundred souls lost.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
People living in the house
after all of these years
must have triggered, like, something.
Started it all over again.
The sailors are coming!
They want revenge on
the tardy horseman,
but they will settle for you!
Oh, perfect.
And there's nothing we can do?
Yeah! You can get out of there!
So, if the vengeful
sailors don't fill our lungs
with seawater and kill
us, the influencers
will unleash their Twitter mob.
Kind of a coin toss.
We're staying.
You're staying? Oh, my God. Okay, um
Okay, okay, okay. This
is what I need you to do:
I need you to find a very big,
very bright light in the
house! Like right now!
The brightest thing you can find
a spotlight, a sunlamp
and you need to get it up on
the roof, as high as you can!
- There's really not
- You need to look like a lighthouse right now!
Ohh!
(STIRRING MUSIC)
Wha ? This is the
brightest you found!?
It has a three-colour option.
That has to count for something.
We have to get it up on the roof!
Seriously? Susan, the
cord is way too short!
We'll never get it up there!
- Wait here.
- What?
(WAVES CRASHING ON SHORE) (BLOWING WIND)
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)
SAILORS: Heave!
Heave! Heave!
CAPTAIN: All hands!
Heave!
Heave!
- Heave!
- (SHIP BELL CLANGS)
ZOOEY: Hey! They're turning!
Susan, they're turning!
Heave!
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(CRACKLING DISSIPATES)
(SIGH)
(SAILORS CHEER IN DISTANCE)
SAILOR: We did it!
(ZOOEY LAUGHS)
Wow!
That was
impressive.
No, seriously, we could, like,
- rent you out for Viking funerals.
- (SUSAN LAUGHS)
If this were a movie,
this is where I'd bring in
Eternal Flame by The Bangles.
♪♪♪
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(DOOR CREAKS)
I'm getting really tired
of looking at your face.
I sell real estate. I
get that all the time.
Leave me alone.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Every time I see you,
you're always in here.
Never in the rest of the house.
This is the sunroom.
It was her room, right?
(SCOFFS)
The room you built for her.
Look at this.
- How about a little coffee?
- Mm. No, thank you.
- Greg Chisholm.
- Susan Ireland. I'm Luke's associate.
Lucky Luke.
(OFFICE PHONE RINGS)
So, where is he?
Greg. Thanks for coming.
So, did you fix my little problem?
Oh, I think so.
The solution is simple. It's
not easy, but it's simple.
Sunroom of the Delaware
was Bernie's gift
to the woman he loved.
BERNIE: She should burn in hell!
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
But, uh, Greg, the problem
is is that this sunroom
was part of a design that your company
unlawfully acquired from Mr.
Nightingale and exploited.
- Now, this is a huge problem, Greg.
- But
- he's dead.
- Copyright protection extends 70 years
beyond the death of the author.
So suck it!
Your company can owe
Mr. Nightingale's estate
millions of dollars in
royalties and penalties.
But I think we found a solution.
Phil?
(DING)
We propose a retrofit to
every Delaware standing;
an extra room,
the multi-functional space
today's buyers are looking for.
Ain't that right, Greg?
Bottom line:
no more places like this
one on the face of the earth.
No more quality issues,
except the ones resulting from
your own lousy workmanship.
No more synchronized
shitshows for your homeowners.
Now, you make these
modifications in the next 30 days
and we don't sue you into the stone age.
Everybody wins! Heh!
This is about Balmoral Farms, isn't it?
Do we have a deal or not?
You can forget about your
double fee and your retainer
and you will never work for us again.
Oh, our final invoice is in the mail.
But Greg?
Before you go to sleep at night
you might want to take an
extra look under your bed.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Now, see, doesn't that feel ?
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
I'm glad you didn't molecularly
deconstruct a sad old man.
He moved on so easily.
Unfinished business.
And the influencers paid in full.
They're temporarily happy.
(SHREDDER CONTINUES WHIRRING)
Would have been nice to get some
of those sweet Somerset commissions.
Principle isn't a principle
until it costs you something.
Plus, this guy once told me,
"They always come back."
Wise man.
He has his moments.
Luke,
what the hell happened
at Balmoral Farms?
Remind me to tell you sometime.
(OFFICE PHONE RINGS)
♪♪♪
Hey!
Not on time, but less late.
- Baby steps.
- Look
Luke, I know what this is.
A meal out in public,
gear down, let's stay friends.
- What'd I miss?
- Everything.
My intentions, my explanation.
It's just
I knew I should have put
together some Keynote slides.
Are you hungry?
Not in the least.
Let's just walk.
Can we just walk?
(SIGH)
(GENTLE MUSIC)
So, you don't want to
come to my house anymore.
How do you feel about that?
It's just too much.
I don't want to see you in
the same place where she is.
- It's too weird.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
I realize that living
in the past is toxic.
I spend my days trying to
help lost souls move on.
Maybe I should take my own advice.
I guess we'll have to
go to your place then.
Which, I believe, is on the left.
You want to come up?
Do you want me to?
So much it's scary.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
♪
Previously on SurrealEstate
LUKE: I'm about one thing.
Protecting the God-given,
market-driven value
of your property from
anything in this world
(GRUNT)
or the next. Don't even ask.
That should be our company slogan.
- None of the others like me.
- We need you.
The technical term is telekinesis.
It happened to you when you were my age?
I set things on fire.
Let them see who you really are.
I bet they'll like her.
Brock moved out.
- Really?
- We're done.
If you like her, you should make a move.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
(WAVES HITTING SHORE)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(HORSE NICKERS)
SOPHIE: Duncan.
Duncan!
DUNCAN: You're beautiful, babe.
You're snoring, or
making, like, horse sounds.
Roll over.
Okay.
(SNORING)
(GROANS)
(FOOTFALLS ON STAIRS)
(TAP RUNNING)
(CLATTERING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
♪♪♪
(BLOWING WIND)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SLURPING)
(COUGHING)
(CHOKING)
(WATER SPRAYING ONTO FLOOR)
(DOORBELL)
- Susan.
- Duncan! Welcome home!
A little bubbly for you
guys and a new little friend!
Settling in okay?
Mm-hm.
Forget million-dollar
views this is priceless!
You guys must be loving it!
Sophie's a little under
the weather this morning.
Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.
She'll pull through.
You know, Susan, we
specifically requested
Cloud White on the ceilings,
but this seems
cloudy.
They didn't use Arctic
Dove instead, did they?
Surely not.
The seller's contractor received
your punch list last week.
- Oh, look, I know you're just the broker agent
- Just the ?
Duncan,
I have had the honor of bringing
you and this property together.
Your ongoing happiness is
my personal responsibility.
I'm moved to hear you say that.
Especially since you insisted
on writing that precise language
into the contract and made
our fees and commissions
contingent upon it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um, as for the paint?
It looks gorgeous, but I'll
check with the painter, okay?
Mm-hm.
The water pressure is atrocious.
It's like being drooled
on by an old person.
Oh, Susan. Hey!
Sophie! Are you feeling okay?
I think it's stress.
Did Duncan tell you the disturbing news
- about the Arctic Dove?
- Ah.
There is always a tiny hiccup or two
moving into a new place.
These hiccups are temporary,
but the ocean outside
your window is forever.
Take it in.
(BURBLING WATER)
(MOANING)
(THEME MUSIC)
(MAN SCREAMING)
LUKE: So, here's the deal:
We always pretty much focus
on the high-end custom market.
But just for a moment, let
us think outside the box.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Uhh, that's a lot of
boxes to think out of.
This is the Somerset Estates,
a master-planned community
where families live, work,
shop and play.
It's like they're not so much a builder,
they're more like a 3D printer.
What they are is volume.
And cash flow.
Yes! Thank you! My point exactly.
Houses are built to live
in and not to look on;
therefore, let use be
preferred before uniformity.
- So, are you with me on this?
- Always.
But Francis Bacon believes
you might be full of shit.
Anyway, the developer, he
reached out to me last night.
Greg Chisholm, an old nemesis.
This is huge!
They move, like, 80 units a month.
Oh, not anymore. Their
volume is way down,
they're having quality
issues like crazy.
Their buyers are pretty close
to the torch-and-pitchfork stages
and they're getting
killed on social media.
Product liability lawyers are probably
creeping out of their
coffins as we speak.
The developer he is hitting
the panic button, big time.
So, why'd they call us?
Because, apparently,
somebody believes that many of
these issues cannot be explained away
simply by shoddy workmanship.
I told him we would check it out.
Can you handle this without me?
My influencers by the sea are turning
out to be very high-maintenance.
And they are the ones threatening
to tear up our contract, right?
In the nicest, most loving way.
'Kay, you go ahead.
(KNOCKS ON TABLE) We got this.
(FUNKY BADASS MUSIC)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(FUNKY MUSIC FADES OUT)
Greg Chisholm.
Hello, Luke.
Been a while.
(WESTERN MUSIC)
I didn't know you were doing
master-planned communities.
Man's gotta earn a living.
But you'd know that,
working in that weird
little niche of yours.
Hope there's no hard
feelings over Balmoral Farms.
(VULTURE SCREECHING)
Another time. Another place.
(STROLLER RATTLES AND CREAKS)
So,
shall we get to it?
You guys want to take a
look around the neighborhood?
My people'd be glad to show you around.
Thanks
But we ride alone.
(WESTERN MUSIC REPRISE)
Understand you're having some QC issues.
Our quality control
protocols lead the industry.
Our challenges run a bit deeper.
Identical problems happening
at virtually the same time
here and here and here.
Windows shattering.
Floorboards splintering.
Genuine simulated granite
Formica countertops splitting in two.
Not stuff you usually see
in quality-built new product.
Luke, we're both men of the world.
You know that with the
kind of volume we do,
corners get cut; compromises get made.
There'll always be a few
whiny perfectionists out there.
How many complaints
are we talking about?
(FOOTSTEPS)
(FILE DRAWER OPENING)
That is a buttload of
whiny perfectionists, Greg.
So, can you help us out or not?
(SCOFFS)
- Why us? Why now?
- My boss.
His wife's into crystals and
séances and yoga and shit.
Thinks there's something more
happening besides bad construction.
Boss asked me about it;
told him I knew a guy.
Send me those files.
Complaints, the development plats,
the site plans, the model
schematics everything.
We'll do what we do and
we'll get back to you.
Look, Luke,
if you can help us out here now, we can
make it worth your while.
Like you did at Balmoral Farms?
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(BEEPS AND ELECTRONIC HUMS)
You picking up anything?
This feels like the least
haunted place in North America.
We are looking for wandering souls
in a soulless environment.
Hardly seems productive.
That's why I like the Donovan place.
It's a creepshow that dares to
look like a creepshow, right?
What?
(LOUDER AND FASTER BEEPS AND HUMS)
Something odd.
DAD: Kieran! Tiffany!
Lunch is ready.
(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC)
(TIFFANY SCREAMS)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
WOMAN 2: Ah!
Okay, where were we?
Um Items 27 forward are:
incessant pounding noise;
light switches have weird texture;
water pooling on floors.
More like "seeps".
Just appears it's not
like we're spilling it.
She knows, Duncan.
Well, I'm sorry, you asked
me to be more thorough.
Right, but you're
mansplaining what pooling is.
You know, it really hurts me
when you just throw that term around.
Sometimes it's just explaining!
- With a penis.
- Guys, let's just get through this, okay?
Arctic Dove, not Cloud White
and wobbly walls.
Sorry, I
Ca-can you unpack that for me? Wobbly?
Every time I walk by this
mirror, it's, like, moving.
And it happens upstairs, too.
I need mirrors to be impeccable.
- I'm an influencer, so
- Sophie,
they're your mirrors.
They work fine everywhere else.
So the problem must be with the walls.
Mm-hm.
(SIGH) Let me look around;
take a few measurements.
Check a few colour chips.
And then let's talk.
(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC REPRISE)
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
So, we have what?
17 houses with spontaneous
breakages and system failures. Phil?
Dirt is clean.
No sign of environmental engagement
or histocultural plangency.
Augie?
As we wandered through the neighborhood
there was a sudden spike in our
Photoreactive Terraform Analysis.
Multiple locations.
It vanished as quickly as it appeared.
Well, we are missing something.
How many different models do they have?
Six.
- All named after famous forts.
- (ZOOEY SNORTS)
The Halifax. The Delaware.
The Independence. The
Sumter. The McHenry. The
- What?
- Ah
I thought you said famous farts.
(LAUGHS)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Can you put up the aerial plat?
All the places that stuff
happened are marked with an X.
Can you overlay the
location of different models?
♪♪♪
(BEEP)
(BEEP, BEEP)
Bingo.
They're all Delawares.
So, here's what I'm going to do:
some of these I can get a
contractor out to fix right away.
As in tonight?
It's 8:30.
Tomorrow, probably.
Uh, the rest, um, I'd
like to bring to my team.
It-it may be the property
itself has some eccentricities.
We'll get some experts to
sort them all out, okay?
We'd really appreciate that.
Because we're still within the
five days to register complaints
so if they're not fixed
we don't want to do this
- We'd hate to do this
- I would weep like Dumbo's mother.
But, then we'd dry our
tears and I'd have the bank
stop the transfer of your fees
as specified in your contract.
Okay. Thanks, Susie Q! Drive safe, okay?
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
(CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC)
(PEN DOWN)
(PHONE DINGS AND VIBRATES)
(TEXT SWOOP)
(SWOOP)
(CLICKING)
(LONG SIGH)
(CLICKING)
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(MUSIC SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)
Meg, you really know how to pick 'em.
(BLOWING WIND)
(RACING ENGINE)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(SCREAMS)
(METAL CRUNCHING)
And bam! Into the ditch!
I had to call a tow truck.
And it was a guy on a horse?
We could have sold it as
an equestrian property.
- Upped the price.
- Ah, this place was empty for years.
Run-down cottage on an
overgrown lot with a killer view
before the owner decided to
finally renovate cash out.
We need Phil and August up
there to find out what
really is
what?
Excuse us?
(PHIL SCOFFS)
Remember when you told me it
was better for Phil and August
- not to meet clients?
- Mm-hm.
Duncan and Sophie are
literally the clients
you were talking about.
Okay.
Tell them to take a few
days somewhere nice
spa, hotel, whatever on us.
And then we'll do our
thing while they're gone.
(INHALES)
By the way, my car's in the shop.
- (PHONE BUTTON CLICKS)
- Zooey!
It is your lucky day.
You get to drive Susan out to the coast.
And leave her for dead, right?
This is why we don't have H.R.
(HANGS UP PHONE)
Road trip!
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Road trip.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
So, here's the thing:
I still cannot fathom,
for the life of me,
why Luke hired you.
I mean,
Phil has those amazing
research chops and August?
He can duct tape a KitchenAid
mixer to a walkie talkie
and use it to summon a
Sumerian trickster God. And me?
Well, it's self-explanatory.
But why you?
I'm a closer.
That's another way of saying I'm profit.
You're overhead.
♪♪♪
The Delaware.
That model's been nothing
but trouble since we built it.
Anything special about it?
Just the sunroom.
Our CEO was going through
an artsy-fartsy period
and he ripped off
that is, he was inspired by
the house that his partner
had designed for himself.
Stuck a big sunroom on the back.
At first, we called it
a "soothing solarium"
until the focus groups pointed us
toward "inspiring conservatory".
(LAUGHS)
You know, move in
become a tortured artist.
Hang on. Here we go
From the front it looks like
most of our other product.
But around the back and
Boom!
These sold like crazy for a while,
but fell off fast.
Today's buyer values
multi-functional spaces
and gourmet kitchens with
cantilevered eat-in areas
more than inspiration.
Wonder
Any chance in talking
to the original designer?
The partner?
They had a falling out.
He left.
I think he died a few years later.
What about the original house?
Can you get me an address?
Probably.
Look, Luke,
if you find out what's causing
all this, don't mess around.
Kill it. Destroy it. Send
this thing back to hell,
or wherever these things go.
Make me a hero to my boss
and his whack-job wife.
You help me parlay this
into a sweet promotion,
I'll make it worth your while!
Just get me that address, okay?
(UPBEAT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
FEMALE MAP VOICE: Turn
left and your destination
will be on your right.
You have arrived.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
ANGRY MAN VOICE: Go away!
(RUMBLING)
(TREE TRUNK CRACKING)
Ooh!
(GRUNT)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
You're Bernard Nightingale.
You talkin' to me?
Talkin'?
How's that work?
It's a long story.
Mind if I come in?
♪♪♪
No. Not there.
(SNIFFLES)
You designed this, Bernard?
Bernie, please.
Yes, I designed it.
Very nice.
It's a hellhole!
(GROANS)
I designed it
for her.
My fiancée.
Every inch,
every corner.
Just for her.
And the sunroom.
Lucy loved the sunshine.
(LABOURED BREATHS)
What happened?
Six months after we
moved into our forever home
she ran off with my own brother.
I'm sorry.
It gets better. It gets much better.
Not only did I have to
live in this place, but
my old partner
the bastard
he dug my plans out of
the trash and built more.
A whole bunch more! (HEAVY INHALE)
Every one of them a knife.
A knife stabbing into my guts.
You know, what you are doing in here
happens at every house like this.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, you know.
This house
full of misery.
So anybody who ever lives here
is gonna be miserable, too.
It's my pain,
but they're gonna goddamn feel it!
(YELLS) (LAUGHS MANICALLY)
(RUMBLING AND RATTLING)
(SCREAMING)
This paint color is fine!
These people are insane.
(SHUTTER CLICKING)
Hey! There's people working down here!
Geez. Hey, these ninja puddles are real.
Oh.
(SIGHS) It's getting pretty
late. We should probably go soon.
Ah, Duncan and Sophie complained
about disturbances at night.
Late. Which we need to assess.
On site. In real time.
Don't even joke about it.
It's a sleepover, girlfriend.
(LAUGHS)
Saw a liquor cabinet, right?
- Oh, hells, yes.
- Yeah. I'm going to kill Luke.
(HAPPY WHISTLING)
Working late.
I've heard that you have
something you may need to dispatch.
Oh, I hope it doesn't come to that.
Just a sad, old, pissed-off
spirit that can't move on.
I know the feeling.
I'm afraid he's gonna hurt somebody.
Like a kid in one of those houses.
Not on purpose, but he's
At the risk of invoking
an unpleasant memory,
I would remind you of the Travis house.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Point taken.
Perhaps Phil and I should come along?
Susan may need help on the coast.
I'm going to need you to stand by here.
Unless you run into
something unprecedented
this should do the trick.
I'm told that our client
requested that you
quote
send it back to hell, unquote.
This should allow you to instantly
render the entity to
irreparable particles.
Death beyond death.
If the moment comes,
don't hesitate.
♪♪♪
- You set him on fire?
- No!
Just the draperies.
And the wastebasket.
I melted his printer.
Ooh! I don't believe you.
Who knows about this?
Luke.
My mom. (SIGH)
The guys at a certain Del Taco
that is no longer standing.
I still don't believe you.
- Ouch.
- That Livingston guy.
- God, he sounds like the worst.
- Ugh! I know, right?
But, at the time,
I still thought that Bob
Livingston was my soul mate.
(SCOFFS)
- Sorry.
- What, you don't believe in soul mates, either?
Come on! Soul mates are
purely mythical beasts.
Like Bigfoot.
Or Tom Cruise.
You just haven't found him yet.
Have you?
Mm.
(SIGHS) Kyle Sommer.
His family moved to town my
sophomore year of high school.
God, I was a completely
different person with him.
I was happier. I was wittier.
I wore pastels.
- Once.
- See?
That's a soul mate.
I graduated from high school,
I went away to college and Kyle didn't.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Only found out later that he'd
hurt his back working construction.
So, he started taking
oxy to handle the pain.
And my Kyle was never a
go-halfway kind of person.
He started taking more and then
he started dealing to pay for his habit.
Salesman of the month.
That was my Kyle.
Um,
he was dead by summer.
They buried him in
his letterman's jacket.
The same one I'd worn
all through senior year.
Mm.
So, if he was my soul mate,
I guess I'm pretty much out of the game.
(SIGHS)
To Kyle.
And all the other guys
who don't deserve us.
(GLASSES CLINK)
Mm. (CLEARS THROAT)
I am going to go sleep in the car.
- You coming?
- I am going to stay here.
There could be some
pheranormal Phermanomal
There could be some
spookies I need to observe.
Mm-hm.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(SIGHS)
(WAVES ONTO SHORE)
(CREEPY MUSIC)
(BLOWING WIND)
(HOOFBEATS IN DISTANCE)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(WATER DROP SPLASHING)
Mm.
(WATER SPLASHING)
(GASPING WITH FEAR)
- (GHOSTS GROANING)
- (SCREAM)
Shit!
(GASP)
(GUTTURAL MOANS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(NERVOUS BREATHING)
No! No!
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
No! No!
(HORN HONKING)
(BLOWING WIND)
(SCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
(HEAVY BREATHS)
(RELIEVED SIGH)
I heard Zooey's car horn and then
they were gone.
They walked away? Or, like, disappeared?
They were there and then
they weren't.
They looked mad.
Pissed off sailors.
I wonder why.
I coughed up about ten gallons
of water last night, so
I'm a little out of sorts myself.
Did you save any of it?
Hm.
Okay.
Okay, I'll head to the
village historical society.
There's got to be something they
left out of the history books.
(SUSAN SIGHS)
She looks so peaceful.
Almost like she's dead.
Hm. You wish.
Come on, Greg.
He's a sad old guy with a broken heart.
What are we? A
non-profit? Blow him away!
I thought you didn't
believe in these things.
Who cares what I believe in.
I've got a CEO with a wife who believes.
I've got homeowners
who've just had trees fall
in their front yards and
their own personal earthquakes.
I've got lawyers using
words like criminal liability
and class action.
Luke, double your fee
and an ongoing retainer
if you off him now.
Be smart.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(PHONE TRILLING)
- AUGUST: Hello.
- Hey, August.
Who was that architect you
used to go skydiving with?
(PAGES RUSTLING)
(QUIET SIGH)
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
(PHONE TRILLING)
Come on, come on, come
on. Pick up. Pick up.
A lighthouse?
Th-the only lighthouse
is miles up the coast.
No! This is the old lighthouse.
They tore it down in 1887!
But it was right there!
- Right where you're standing!
- Freaky.
So, it's this foggy day in
1811 and the lighthouse keeper
decides to go into town to see his wife.
He must have fallen asleep, I guess,
because he wakes up with her in
the middle of the night and realizes,
"Oh, God! It's pitch black".
So, he's-he's racing his
horse to the lighthouse
because he's gotta light the lamp.
It's dark as the grave, you understand.
I mean, there isn't even the moon!
And then he hears the most awful sound.
SAILOR: Brace yourselves!
No. NO!
A ship comes in too close.
They can't see, right?
No lighthouse. No moon.
So it crashes on the rocks.
Nearly a hundred souls lost.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
People living in the house
after all of these years
must have triggered, like, something.
Started it all over again.
The sailors are coming!
They want revenge on
the tardy horseman,
but they will settle for you!
Oh, perfect.
And there's nothing we can do?
Yeah! You can get out of there!
So, if the vengeful
sailors don't fill our lungs
with seawater and kill
us, the influencers
will unleash their Twitter mob.
Kind of a coin toss.
We're staying.
You're staying? Oh, my God. Okay, um
Okay, okay, okay. This
is what I need you to do:
I need you to find a very big,
very bright light in the
house! Like right now!
The brightest thing you can find
a spotlight, a sunlamp
and you need to get it up on
the roof, as high as you can!
- There's really not
- You need to look like a lighthouse right now!
Ohh!
(STIRRING MUSIC)
Wha ? This is the
brightest you found!?
It has a three-colour option.
That has to count for something.
We have to get it up on the roof!
Seriously? Susan, the
cord is way too short!
We'll never get it up there!
- Wait here.
- What?
(WAVES CRASHING ON SHORE) (BLOWING WIND)
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)
SAILORS: Heave!
Heave! Heave!
CAPTAIN: All hands!
Heave!
Heave!
- Heave!
- (SHIP BELL CLANGS)
ZOOEY: Hey! They're turning!
Susan, they're turning!
Heave!
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(CRACKLING DISSIPATES)
(SIGH)
(SAILORS CHEER IN DISTANCE)
SAILOR: We did it!
(ZOOEY LAUGHS)
Wow!
That was
impressive.
No, seriously, we could, like,
- rent you out for Viking funerals.
- (SUSAN LAUGHS)
If this were a movie,
this is where I'd bring in
Eternal Flame by The Bangles.
♪♪♪
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(DOOR CREAKS)
I'm getting really tired
of looking at your face.
I sell real estate. I
get that all the time.
Leave me alone.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Every time I see you,
you're always in here.
Never in the rest of the house.
This is the sunroom.
It was her room, right?
(SCOFFS)
The room you built for her.
Look at this.
- How about a little coffee?
- Mm. No, thank you.
- Greg Chisholm.
- Susan Ireland. I'm Luke's associate.
Lucky Luke.
(OFFICE PHONE RINGS)
So, where is he?
Greg. Thanks for coming.
So, did you fix my little problem?
Oh, I think so.
The solution is simple. It's
not easy, but it's simple.
Sunroom of the Delaware
was Bernie's gift
to the woman he loved.
BERNIE: She should burn in hell!
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
But, uh, Greg, the problem
is is that this sunroom
was part of a design that your company
unlawfully acquired from Mr.
Nightingale and exploited.
- Now, this is a huge problem, Greg.
- But
- he's dead.
- Copyright protection extends 70 years
beyond the death of the author.
So suck it!
Your company can owe
Mr. Nightingale's estate
millions of dollars in
royalties and penalties.
But I think we found a solution.
Phil?
(DING)
We propose a retrofit to
every Delaware standing;
an extra room,
the multi-functional space
today's buyers are looking for.
Ain't that right, Greg?
Bottom line:
no more places like this
one on the face of the earth.
No more quality issues,
except the ones resulting from
your own lousy workmanship.
No more synchronized
shitshows for your homeowners.
Now, you make these
modifications in the next 30 days
and we don't sue you into the stone age.
Everybody wins! Heh!
This is about Balmoral Farms, isn't it?
Do we have a deal or not?
You can forget about your
double fee and your retainer
and you will never work for us again.
Oh, our final invoice is in the mail.
But Greg?
Before you go to sleep at night
you might want to take an
extra look under your bed.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Now, see, doesn't that feel ?
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
I'm glad you didn't molecularly
deconstruct a sad old man.
He moved on so easily.
Unfinished business.
And the influencers paid in full.
They're temporarily happy.
(SHREDDER CONTINUES WHIRRING)
Would have been nice to get some
of those sweet Somerset commissions.
Principle isn't a principle
until it costs you something.
Plus, this guy once told me,
"They always come back."
Wise man.
He has his moments.
Luke,
what the hell happened
at Balmoral Farms?
Remind me to tell you sometime.
(OFFICE PHONE RINGS)
♪♪♪
Hey!
Not on time, but less late.
- Baby steps.
- Look
Luke, I know what this is.
A meal out in public,
gear down, let's stay friends.
- What'd I miss?
- Everything.
My intentions, my explanation.
It's just
I knew I should have put
together some Keynote slides.
Are you hungry?
Not in the least.
Let's just walk.
Can we just walk?
(SIGH)
(GENTLE MUSIC)
So, you don't want to
come to my house anymore.
How do you feel about that?
It's just too much.
I don't want to see you in
the same place where she is.
- It's too weird.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
I realize that living
in the past is toxic.
I spend my days trying to
help lost souls move on.
Maybe I should take my own advice.
I guess we'll have to
go to your place then.
Which, I believe, is on the left.
You want to come up?
Do you want me to?
So much it's scary.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)