Swedish Dicks (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [Ingmar.]
People say that from a distance it's easier to get the right perspective but I don't know.
For ten years, I've lived with people blaming me for the accident that killed my best friend Tex, and sometimes I wasn't sure.
Maybe I was responsible for the death of my partner.
Sometimes I just wanted to finish it off.
[Tex.]
Hey.
Careful or you'll end up like me.
Boy, howdy, that's a long way down.
What are you doing here, Tex? You tell me.
[sighs.]
Yeah, what happened? The day I died? I knew that was a safe stunt.
I checked everything myself, every little detail, so what happened? [cell phone rings.]
[Tex.]
Who is it? Oh, just some guy.
You cheatin' on me? [laughs.]
Never! See, I'm hanging up on him.
[sirens wail in distance.]
Tex! [cell phone rings.]
[beeps.]
Yeah, what do you want? We were supposed to meet 20 minutes ago.
- Huh? - We have a bounty to catch.
Fuck.
Sorry, I completely forgot.
Hey, are you all right? Huh? No, I'm I'm fine.
You know what? You can be totally honest with me.
I've been down so many times.
You know, like after a big show, out partying all night, and then sitting alone in my bed with just three or four naked people, but Oh, my God, that's the bounty! He's on the move! [bell dinging.]
Axel, listen up.
- Don't - I gotta go.
Axel! Shit! [both grunting, shouting.]
Hey! I guess the road ends here, right? Come on, Ingmar, the only reason I skipped bail was to go to my mom's funeral! Oh, using your mom as an excuse? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Fuck you, Gummy Bear! She died! And she was more of a woman than you'll ever be.
- [gasps.]
- Come on.
Come on, please, Ingmar.
I just I just need to say goodbye.
I'll be back in two hours.
Two hours.
Okay.
Go.
- [exclaims.]
- Before I change my mind! Thanks, Ingmar.
[Ingmar.]
Losing someone close to you, - it's never easy - How are you doing? no matter how it happens.
Huh? I'm fine.
Swedish Dicks 1x04 "Episode4 " Sep 9, 2016 This is Rachel.
She's our daughter, and we've lost her to a cult.
To a cult.
Yes, and we'd like you to bring her back to us.
Any idea why she joined the cult? No.
We always gave her the best money can buy.
The best.
We think that maybe she might have been romantically involved with someone who was in it, and they brainwashed her.
We just want her back.
Can you do that? Oh, absolutely, ma'am mums ma'ams.
We will handle your case in a quick and professional manner.
[pneumatic lift hisses, clattering.]
- Ingmar! - Hmm? You have a visitor.
A visitor! I wonder who that might be.
- Hello! - [costume blooping.]
[speaking robotically.]
I am a robot.
Where do you come from? Where all robots come from the future! I am sorry, I don't know what this is about.
- Could you take her away? - Why? I paid him.
- Why? - I'm gonna screw you up.
I'm here to make you feel whole again, Ingmar.
Can you get rid of him? I can't help you, sir.
Ingmar, please don't kill yourself.
Well, who said anything about killing myself, eh? The robot said it, but I did not pay him to say that.
Are you thinking of killing yourself? Because if you are, just please, be honest about it.
So we can hire another investigator.
To be honest, at this point I actually wanted to kill myself.
Not just because Axel was driving me crazy, but because I'd been made to look like a fool by the $10,000 bounty I had let go.
Of course he didn't go to his mom's funeral because she was not dead.
The bounty's mother was still very much alive.
Mom, just robbed another liquor store.
And to make matters worse, news travels fast in LA [siren squawking.]
which meant everybody knew how big of a fool I'd been.
Hey, come on, man, let us go.
I gotta get to our mom's funeral.
But, of course, I'll let you go.
Right, Ingmar? My reputation as a private investigator was clearly at stake, which meant I had to recapture the bounty and Axel had to be the one to infiltrate the cult.
[rings.]
What do you want? Hi.
Eh, I was wondering if maybe I could join? Join what? Your cult? Blue Heaven is not a cult.
No, no.
No, sorry.
I mean, you know, if I can join your thing.
Wait a second.
I know you.
No, I don't think you do.
Yeah.
You're a DJ.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was.
I am.
I saw you play in Miami.
You were amazing! What the hell are you doing here? Oh, well, you know, like I said, I really want to join.
Oh, yeah, come on in! What are you waiting for? Oh! Oh, nice.
[Bob.]
You're gonna love Blue Heaven, man.
It has totally changed my life.
I used to be a terrible human being.
You know, the usual, drinking, smoking, gambling, robbery, extortion, kidnapping, murder.
Okay, maybe not murder, but only because I was a lousy shot.
Bob! Why have you brought an outsider into our sacred sanctum? Oh, no, he's not an outsider.
I know him.
He's an amazing DJ, and he wants to join our revolution.
- Is this true? - I'm not sure I would call myself an amazing DJ, but I was pretty good.
No, no.
Is it true that you want to join? Oh, oh, right! Yes, yes.
I do.
[all humming.]
Shake your body.
Shake your body.
Dance yourself free of the shackles of the modern world.
Release the filth! Enough.
Your journey with us will be the hardest you have ever taken.
You will need an emotional Sherpa to lead you up the mountain and toward the Blue Heaven.
[all.]
Blue Heaven.
The person chosen for you will be by your side day and night, night and day.
And the person is Lucille.
Sorry.
Sorry, I don't think I can have Lucille as a partner.
- Why not? - She reminds me of an old girlfriend I had who broke my heart, so That's okay.
Yeah.
I understand.
Okay, then your partner will be Bob.
- Yes! - Oh, no, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Uh, I I'm a vegetarian, and Bob smells like meat.
Yeah, it's true.
I do eat a lot of meat.
You know what? I'm a really sensitive person, and I feel like I have a special connection with someone in this room.
- Who? - I just It's Rach it's It's her.
Me? Okay.
Rachel.
Take your partner into your bedroom.
And, uh, give him the gift Mm-hmm.
the gift of love.
Uh, listen, Rachel.
How do you know my name? No, because your uh, leader said it.
You know what I said downstairs about having this connection with you? I know.
I feel it, too.
Oh, great.
Great! So, let's just leave this place.
Oh, I know what's going on here.
Well, no, nothing going on.
No, no, you're scared of the journey that we're about to take, and you're panicking.
Okay, but don't worry.
You'll realize that you're on the right path after I give you the gift of love.
- The - So, now, wait here while I wash your gift clean, okay? Okay.
[tap running.]
[Sarah.]
What the hell do you think you're doing? [Ingmar.]
Is that any way to start a conversation with your old man? Uh, it is when I'm pissed at you.
Now, answer my question.
What do you think you're doing? I'm trying to recapture a bounty that I let go.
That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it.
Axel called me, and he says you've been acting a little strange.
Are you talking to Axel? Yes, I did, and I know what the hell's going on.
This is about Tex.
Dad, come on, you have got to let it go.
I have no idea what you're talking about, Sarah.
Every year, around this time of the month, you get a little strange.
But this is a big year for you, because this is ten years.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I didn't realize that.
Oh, shit.
The bounty's here.
- I have to go.
- No, stop.
Stop avoiding me, Dad.
[whispers.]
I'm not avoiding you.
Oh, you're incredible! You always say that you want to be close, but the second that getting close gets a little bit uncomfortable, you run.
No, that's not true.
I'm not running! The bounty's running.
Have to go! Dad, if you hang up with me now, you can forget about talking to me for a long, long, long time.
All right! All right.
Fine.
Fine.
He's out of reach, anyway, so What do you want to talk about? Um, damn it, I'm late for a meeting.
Um, I gotta go.
I'll call you later.
[groans.]
Hi.
You know what, maybe it's better if Lucille give me the gift of love.
Why? You're not my type, you know? This is embarrassing, but I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to achieve full erection with you.
Ugh.
You thought we were gonna have sex? No? This isn't a sex cult.
I mean, we're a serious movement, you know, a revolution who wants to shake off the shackles of the capitalistic, commercial world we've been subjected to all our lives.
- Oh.
- This is the gift of my love.
It was given to me.
Now I'm giving it to you.
Thank you.
Oh, it's is that blood? Yes, it's blood of a capitalist rat.
Now, you're going to take the gift with you into a small, poorly lit room, okay? Okay.
- [clears throat.]
- Hey! A-And you're gonna stay in that room until you kill the capitalist rat.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
What do you mean when you say "capitalist rat"? [rat squeaking.]
Oh! Oh, oh.
Okay.
I see.
You want No! No, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
I can't kill a poor, defenseless animal.
[leader.]
He's not a poor, defenseless animal.
He's a metaphor for all that is wrong with the outside society.
Kill him with the gift of love.
No, no.
No, I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
I can't kill a Oh, look at him.
He's so cute! Kill, or be killed.
What? Kill, or be killed.
Is that also a metaphor? Do you mean if I don't kill him you'll kill me by throwing me out of the cult, or do you mean if I don't kill him you'll actually kill me? [intercom clicks.]
Hello? Hello! [shrieks.]
Hello! Blood Curse 2, the movie that Tex died on.
There was a time when I watched it over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong.
But that was years ago.
[knocking.]
One of the downsides of being a private dick is that over the years, you make a lot of enemies, dangerous enemies.
- Who is it? - This is from Axel.
[lively mariachi music.]
Stop! Stop! I'm all right.
I'm not gonna kill myself.
[band member.]
Promise? Damn you, Axel.
[speed-dialing.]
[playing ringtone.]
- [squeaking.]
- [Alex sighs.]
Okay, I'm really, really, really sorry for what I'm about to do, but I don't know any other way to get out of this, all right? So Oh, don't look at me with those eyes.
[rat shrieks.]
Uh, there's, uh, gonna be a change of plans.
Um, you don't need to kill the rat.
What? Wha I just killed him! Just right before you said, "Don't kill him," I killed him! Do you have any idea what this is gonna cost me in therapy bills? I'm sure it's gonna cost you a lot, Axel or maybe I should call you by your professional name dick.
As in, uh, Swedish Dicks.
You show your face around here again, I'll have you arrested by the police! And, uh, tell my mothers to mind their own business! I'm happy here.
They just want what's best for you.
Ha! If that's true, then why would two financially successful women hire the cheapest private investigators they could find to save their daughter? I'll tell you why! Because they're addicted to the green.
We're not the cheapest! There's two guys from Estonia.
They're Can't even speak English! They're way cheaper.
You lied to me.
Oh, sorry.
It's nothing personal.
It's okay, man.
I lied, too.
Oh.
Remember when I said I wasn't a murderer? - Yeah.
- Well, I lied.
- [tasing.]
- You have to remember, at this point of the story I had no idea that Axel had screwed up, or that he was in trouble.
If I had, I obviously would've done something to help him instead of watching the liquor store in the hopes that the bounty would return.
[singing opera in Italian.]
Can you please tell Axel I don't need to be cheered up? I'm not trying to cheer you up.
I'm advertising the local opera.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to - Excuse me - [gunshot.]
- [clerk.]
Robbery! Robbery! - Shit Hey! Hey, you! Hey, you! Come on! Stop! Stop! Come back! [indistinct shouting.]
Hey, Louie! I feel it's necessary to warn you I'm a horrible shot.
Don't get me wrong, I never miss the target, but I tend to shoot a little low, right around where the testicles are, so if I were you, I would give myself up.
Hey! Hold it.
- Hey.
- Whoa.
Ing Hey.
Ingmar, my friend, don't shoot! Look, I need those for the ladies, you know? Not anymore.
[cell phone rings.]
[beep.]
Did you get that girl? [Bob.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[imitates Swedish Chef.]
Who the hell is this? My name isn't important.
What's important is this.
I have your partner, and if you don't want him to get hurt, then you need to pay me some money.
[Ingmar.]
Damn, Axel was in trouble, real trouble, and it was all my fault.
This thing with Tex had thrown me way off my game.
Sarah was right.
Dad, come on, you have got to let it go.
I had to let it go.
[Tex.]
You sure? Yes, Tex.
I'm sure.
Are you really sure? I have to let you go.
Who the fuck are you talking to? Did you just say you have to let me go? - Yeah, I did.
- Really.
- But I'll keep the money.
- Fuck that! Hey! The money or your testicles.
Yeah, so how do you want to work this? - [Bob.]
You got my cash? - [Ingmar.]
You got my partner? As promised.
Get out of here.
[Axel groans.]
Aah! What the hell did you do to him? Nothing.
Nothing? He's all messed up, man.
He's got blood on his face.
- It's the rat's blood.
- Rat I had to kill the rat with "love knife".
Then you revealed me.
Because you sent mariach bands.
- Did they come? Did you like? - No.
I called, you would not send them anymore.
You can certainly continue forever, but I would like my money.
I'm sure you guys could go on like this forever, but I'd like my money now.
Sure.
Looks good.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- [tases.]
- [screams.]
[groaning.]
[van engine starts.]
What we do? Are we calling the police? It would be tricky because I stole that money.
- Stoel the money? - Yeh.
I only gave him half [Laughs.]
- Can you help me? - Let's do it in the office.
[Ingmar.]
I felt bad about not being able to bring the girl back to her mothers, and I felt bad about giving the liquor store owner only half of his money back.
Something is better than nothing, and I considered it my finder's fee.
[singing opera in Italian.]
Oh, it's you.
Still advertising the opera? Not this time, no.
He paid me to sing for you in hopes that it would cheer you up.
- The opera is doing good to the soul.
- You promised to stop.
I will not stop before you tell me what's going on.
That moment it became crystal clear to me that if I wanted the kid to stop sending me [costume blooping.]
robot mariachis and opera singers I needed to come clean with him tell him my story which I regretted a lot.
[mother.]
Do you have any previous experience in kidnapping cases? You see, this time we can't fail.
- Our daughter - Daughter - is in a cult.
- Cult.
"El Culto!" What? They're Estonian, they're not Mexican.
- Well, what do Estonians speak? - I have no idea.
[overemphasizing.]
What language do you speak? [speaks Estonian.]
Money.
Do you speak money? [radio playing in background.]
Do you want smoke? [whirrs.]
No, thanks.
I'm trying to quit.