Switch (UK) (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 It's the Witches of Kensington.
This is India, Romola and Remy.
En chante.
I'm setting up on my own.
It's a risk, but I need to see if it will work.
Did Jude mention my gig tonight? Give it up for Notnowkato.
Jude, this is the best idea you've ever had.
I love it already.
You do the creative stuff, I deal with the retail side.
This is fate - perfect.
I'll have the lot.
Oh, hello.
Mm.
I can't draw any more.
I've got hand cramp.
They're great! They'll go down a storm with the punters.
That's market-talk for "the customers".
Oh, my new PA starts today! Mm.
Good luck.
Thanks.
I'm gonna need it, cos this week I need to win over our biggest client yet.
For the next few days my whole life is aboutMr Mustard.
Why is a goat's head in the fridge? What? Oh, it's our anniversary tomorrow.
Goat's head stew.
Tradition.
Don't tell me you forgot.
Five years since we officially formed our coven! Er, I'm going.
Aren't we a bit old for anniversaries? I can't believe you two.
She's gone to so much trouble for this.
I'm gonna be up all night doing a whole another load of T-shirts.
I'm gonna be working late on this mustard pitch.
I don't think you understand how important it is! It'll break Grace's heart if you're not here.
I don't care what you've got planned.
You're staying in and having fun with us.
OK? In the city where I'm from There are lovers to the dawn And you stayed up to see the sun I couldn't wait that long Who's gonna get up after we're gone? Who's gonna get up after we've fallen? Who's gonna pick up what we've done wrong? Who's gonna get up after we're gone? Have you got any credit? Sorry? Have you got any credit on your phone? Erm, yep.
Can I use it, please? I need to make a call.
Sorry.
I have to get to work.
Don't look down on me.
I'm not.
I asked you nicely.
I'm not a bad person.
I take my nan to church.
She's gotta wear a nappy.
I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
No! Help! Ooh, she's got robes and everything.
Five is a big year.
Uh-oh - solstice camp flashback.
Right, I will leave work early but I draw the line at organic sanitary towels.
Remember this? (SINGS) I'm a little woodland sprite And I live in a hedge and I give you a fright He just sort of sort of jumped me.
I want to go home.
You're safe now.
We're all here.
I want to go home.
You are home.
To my mum's.
This type of thing goes on all the time in London.
I want to go home.
Where people are kind.
I've fucking had it with London.
You don't mean that.
I do.
What about us? We'd hate it if you went.
Right.
This is my "I got mugged/shitfaced last night" box.
Oyster card.
Phone.
Knick No.
Maybe not.
I'm not staying here.
It's our anniversary tomorrow.
We're all excited about it, aren't we? How about a little confidence spell? Come on, that goat's head's not gonna stew itself.
OK, it says here, three teaspoons of iron.
Give her a bit of a boost.
Water.
Air.
Fire.
I'm not sure about this.
It's fine.
ALL: Spirit, help our sister meek, give a lion's heart not a rodent's squeak.
Help her to lose inhibition, to not doubt her strength nor beg permission.
Spirit mighty, this we crave.
Make her fearless, strong and brave! Are you OK? I feel .
.
immense.
FLO RIDER: Low (MUSIC SPILLS FROM HEADPHONES) (MUSIC STOPS) Yes, Anna, hi! I was mugged earlier so running late.
Oh, it's fine.
Erm Um I'm too traumatised.
I'm not gonna come into work today.
OK.
Thanks.
Bye.
Oh.
You were sat on my guitar.
Sorry, I didn't realise.
I love this more than my penis.
You not at work today? Oh, I got mugged.
It's OK.
I'm fine.
You can't let these things get you down.
Exactly.
I've been mugged seven times.
I find it quite relaxing now.
I refuse to feel useless, which leads me to my next point - your band.
Neat segue.
Why are you on first? Hm? Why aren't you headlining? If you had a bit more confidence, you'd be topping that bill.
POINTER SISTERS: Automatic Hey, Larry, how's marriage treating you? Bushey! Where've you been all my life? Hello, Jackie, have you started skateboarding lessons? Aw, she still not called you back, James? Come here.
That's right.
I feel your pain.
It makes sense.
Hannah's good with customers And you are not.
Yes, I am! You hate everyone who sets foot in here.
I hate them but I'm good with them.
Hannah deals with the sales and I'm the creative.
I get to do what I'm good at for a change.
My own designs.
Fingers crossed I get to leave this dump soon.
Aw, congratulations.
You're doing dead well.
Let's have a quick game of "Who'd you do?" to celebrate.
I'll go first.
Are you for real? He's a munter.
Yeahbut if I do this .
.
he looks a little bit like Gerard Depardieu.
Mm! (SQUELCHING) Oh, Stella.
We need to make mustard more sexy.
More accessible.
A mustard for the modern world.
Can you cut the mustard? Are you the mustard cutter? Well, I hope so.
Where's Lauren, my new PA? I'm dying for a coffee.
Sacked her and found a replacement, all before nine o'clock.
Meet India, your new PA.
J'arrive.
No.
No way.
No chance.
I'm not working with her.
Find someone else.
I've just given her the job.
But I'm not working with her.
There were plenty of good candidates on that list.
Let's keep looking.
She's brilliant.
She's a fucking Could you just give me a minute, please? Do I have to? No.
I am not working with her.
I know her and I don't trust her.
That's ridiculous.
I don't want to work with her.
Fine! Find another PA.
India you're promoted to account manager.
But she's clueless! What are the three basic principles of advertising? Erm, shopping, pictures and shopping.
She is hotter than a Fukushima reactor.
Shopping, pictures and shopping? Her ideas are so crunchy.
What? Listen.
This mustard account is huge.
We get mustard, they'll give us mayonnaise.
We get mayonnaise, then we get a shot at the big one.
BOTH: Ketchup.
We'll never get a second shot at this.
So, I want both of you working on it.
The best pitch keeps the account.
Magnifique.
But! India, I got these for you, so because you're so brilliant.
Sorry, I'll go now.
Have you cast a spell on my entire office? Talking about how much you cast is just not bon ton, darling.
Didn't they teach you that at solstice camp? Every time I dance Every time I dance with you I stagger out the nightclub like I'm blue, battered and bruised See, a lot's gonna depend on how tight your trucks are.
You sold everything? What? Scouser, didn't you watch my stuff? You didn't ask me.
You asked him.
Didn't you watch my stuff? You didn't ask me.
You asked him.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, you did.
Look, I don't care which one I asked, you're basically the same person.
Where's all my stuff? Bushey? I'm so sorry.
I thought it was gonna be like EastEnders, everyone looking out for each other's stall.
Shall I call the police? For 20 T-shirts? Don't worry about it, Han.
We'll fix it.
We'll do something.
It's fine.
It was my mistake for asking you.
Jude, I'm sorry.
Conversion of strategic audiences into buying audiences will vary by media type, and is often defined by lifestyle characteristics.
You see, our mustard friends have a (YAWNS) Yes, this is a bit boring.
Let's move on to India's presentation.
(PEN SQUEAKING ON PAPER) I think we should pitch this.
Wooh! (LAUGHTER) Brilliant.
Everyone get that down.
Oh.
That is genius.
I love it! Don't be such a baby! Shh! Listen up, shaggy.
Notnowkato played the Roundhouse, the Good Mixer, Barfly.
Who the hell are "the Buckets", anyway? You either are, or are not, in touch with the indie scene.
If not, you'll see diminishing audiences and your venue's slow decline into a chav pit, with pink drinks and mirrors everywhere.
Do you want a club with mirrors everywhere? No? Then how about we agree to a change of running order? That was amazing.
You were like a tiny Jedi.
"This band will headline tonight.
" Erhow can I thank you? How about a kiss? Of course.
(TEXT ALERT) Hannah needs me.
Got to go.
And one for you.
Rock and roll! They stole every one? And no-one saw anything? I've ruined the anniversary.
She was so mad she did the whole quiet cool thing.
I'm confident I can solve it.
Leave this with me.
Someone here knows more than they're letting on.
You You look nervous.
Why? I don't know.
You're hiding something.
No, I'm not.
Don't lie to me.
I fancy Hannah! Remember anything from this morning? Jog your memory? That's not even ours.
OK, thanks.
Let's talk about this at home.
OK, you've had your fun.
Alexa's made her point, now can we lift the spell and get on with winning the mustard account? Sorry, dahling.
What do you want? Strictly entre nous I'm here to destroy you, and your career and your company.
Why? The company goes down, you lose your job and your grubby little coven can't afford to live in London any more.
But it has nothing to do with you.
Alexa's always hated us.
Every couple of years she gets a new bunch of sad hangers-on to do whatever she wants.
Alexa and I are BFFs, actually.
And you are on our patch.
(TEXT ALERT) One of your little remedial chums got themselves into a scrape? Let me get past.
Spell it out to the dimwits, will you? Nice big font, no complicated words.
You do not mess with the Witches of Kensington.
It's totes simples.
We will always win.
Yah? Don't panic.
We've got a plan.
Just took some organising.
- What I need is Ermaterials.
What is this? We need to How did you afford all that? It doesn't matter.
I haggled.
Hard.
What's up? All my stock got stolen.
Can everyone just listen to me? We need to enchant these designs to make Jude's T-shirts, so that her business can recover from its misfortune.
Come on! I'll do it.
Stell's get the spell book.
Jude, pass me a design.
Hannahjust give me some space.
ALL: Spirit, we are in a mess, we need to save our friend's business.
There isn't any time to spare, we need some T-shirts made with care.
Spirit, please charm this design and do it quick in record time! (BUBBLING) (FIZZING) Yes! I promise you I won't let them out of my sight.
(LAUGHS) What's the matter with you? Well, you know my new PA was supposed to start today? It's India Harvey-Wilkinson.
(WHOOSH) She has cast a spell on the entire office so they think she's a genius.
She's got promoted and now she's trying to ruin the company so I lose my job and can't pay our rent.
So you still need a new PA? I'll come and work for you.
What can you do? Anything, my friend.
Right, I best get off.
Are you still seeing Gerry? Yeah.
Not really going anywhere, though, is it? Um No, not really.
Thanks.
Han, should you be getting the stock down to the stall? Erm.
Course.
Yeah.
Stels, image change pronto.
Show me corporate.
I wanna make Deborah Meaden look like Florence Welch.
This trouser suit makes me feel like I actually have a cock.
My whole industry is based on gossip.
If India pitches something ridiculous, it'll be the talk of London.
It's fine.
Well, no-one else will touch us and then all the other clients will leave.
I've seen it happen.
And people have got mortgages and kids OK, so what's your pitch? I don't know! I can't even think straight! I have never felt so It'll be fine.
You remember when we first met? We were at camp.
I was crying because - Because your newt died.
You didn't say anything.
You just climbed into bed with me and held me.
You knew what I needed, even when I didn't know.
You can manage people, win them over.
How do I do that? There's this boy I like, right? And he knows me but I don't think he notices me.
How can I get his attention? How can I make him see the strong confident sexual being that I am? It feels so good saying that.
I don't know.
Surprise him? Show him a side to you he's never seen before? Something he hasn't seen before.
Yes.
Yes, brilliant.
Thanks! What are friends for? That's it! What? Friends! That's it! I know what we can do.
We can't lift the spell but we can do the best goddamn pitch ever! Right, let's get these dates nailed.
Hello.
Sorry we're late.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you? Hey, Janet! Grace.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm Stella's new PA.
Since you promoted that fucktard Oh, India.
She's not a fucktard.
She is.
She's not.
She is.
Anyway! Er we've got a pitch.
There's no point.
We're going with India's idea.
No, Janet.
You need to hear this.
Comfy? I'll begin.
Stella and I have been friends for nine years.
We do everything together.
We live together.
We fight.
We cry.
I cry, she doesn't.
There are some things on my own I quite like doing, but with her I love doing.
Like partying! Baking.
Hangover walks.
(LAUGHS) Sorry, private joke.
Dance routines.
LOS DEL RIO: Macarena Why do we do these things? Because it gives us licence to be close.
Because we are friends.
Without real friends your life is utterly and completely empty.
Grace isn't very good with men.
Are you? Well, not really.
She's terrible, in fact.
She struggles to attract the men she wants.
We only talk about the personal things that only friends can talk about when we are doing things like this.
If our product is something we do with our friends, we won't just like it, we'll We'll love it! Right.
The truth is, this is the pitch we need.
Isn't it? Bollocks! We're going with India's idea of pushing mustard's versatility.
Like what? There's loads of uses she's come up with.
Toothpaste, moisturiser, thrush cream.
That's what's gonna get people talking.
India, tomorrow you pitch.
Great.
Yeah.
Sorry, Stel.
It's OK.
(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) They are completely - Don't worry.
Isn't this a nice surprise? Hashtag lying.
Oh, awkies.
I'm not touching you.
What? Move! We have a table booked.
Grace.
Out of my fucking way.
J'adoube.
Anniversary hugs for tomorrow, yah.
(RINGS BELL) How is the planning going? The planning? Erhello? You ruining Stella's job.
It's working.
Oh, and we paid some scruff to mug Grace.
You got Grace mugged.
This is going to be their worst anniversary ever.
Someone needs to hydrate me.
What other spells shall we do on the tramps of Camden over lunch? Um, actually, I don't think I don't think we need any more.
They're toast.
Totes amazeclit.
I am better than her.
Trust me.
She is going to ruin the company.
That is the truth.
Stella, please don't come in here telling me how to run my company.
I'm just saying you don't know her very well.
She's absolutely fantastic.
What are you doing? Me and Johnny are playing naughty ping-pong.
Saucy picture messaging.
You know the score.
Doesn't half make the day go quick.
THE HUNDRED IN THE HANDS: Come With Me (CAMERA CLICKS) Under a summer moon they howl Creeps creep out in the streets tonight Him in the back of a taxi with a bottle of baby oil.
Him, just him, in a sex club with everyone watching.
Ooh.
Wearing .
.
my T-shirt? She made that - your shirt.
You might want to just And another one.
How can that slag be talking about me? Who does she think she is? What you looking at? Ah! Roll up.
Roll up.
Get your T-shirts.
Only a pound.
So cheap you'd buy one for someone you hate.
Han! These are going like hot cakes.
You're a fashion star.
I had to give away a few as peace offerings after Grace's little outburst.
Why are you selling them for a pound? The switch is still going.
There's loads in the flat.
T-shirts were 50p a pop after Grace's haggling.
Sell them for a quid, 100 per cent profit.
Yes, please.
What's wrong with you? I thought you'd be happy.
I'm a fashion designer, not a Chinese sweatshop.
What? I don't want these teletubbies wearing them.
They make them look awful.
That's racist.
They're supposed to be exclusive! Can't you just concentrate and do something properly? You should be thanking me.
Everyone loves your clothes.
They love the price.
Not the design.
Ah! Ow.
(SINGS TUNE) Did you see us? Yeah, I caught the last few.
We've got two more gigs.
Free booze.
Headlining is fucking brilliant.
I am pirate drunk.
I'm pleased for you.
Honestly, say you're headlining and it's like It's like everyone's on smack.
Some girl texted me a picture of herself in the buff.
Yeah? Yeah! Women, beer, parking.
You get everything! Are you gonna text her back, the girl in the buff? Nah, feels a bit weird.
With Jude.
She is hot, though.
Yeah? Yeah.
Look.
She looks like she could fuck a horse It's me.
It's me.
Look, that's my number.
"See you after the gig.
" Hello.
That's you Yeah.
And now it's "after the gig".
But you're mates with Jude.
She doesn't care about you.
Fact.
I would never do anything to hurt her - I love her - but she thinks you're nothing more than a .
.
hunking slab of sex meat, which is wrong.
Call me old-fashioned.
Right.
This would be a mistake.
You should probably delete that.
No.
Yes! No! Give me the ph CULTS: You Know What I Mean Eurgh! We're still on for tonight, then? What's the matter with you two? Nothing.
It's just she's a snob that's all.
Just because you talk to anyone on the street doesn't mean I want them wearing my designs.
Not the bloody T-shirts again.
Yes, the bloody T-shirts! I'm about to lose my job, Grace has gone completely mental with this confidence thing and you two are arguing about nothing.
(DOOR OPENS) Merry anniversary! Mm.
Can I take you all out for breakfast? What's going on? Not in the mood.
What? Where's your sense of sisterhood? Let me take you out and buy you breakfast, celebrate what amazing friends we are.
(CLATTER) No! Um, why is Gerry naked in your room? What?! Gerry and I are together.
We slept together last night.
He slept with me the night before! You were just messing him about.
We need to lift this switch.
We need to lift it now.
I don't need her permission.
There was nothing going on between you two.
Sorry, um, I think I'd better go.
We are lifting this switch.
You are out of control.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are! Being confident is one thing, but this, this has gone too far.
You need to sit down and exchange some truths with us, so that the switch is over.
We do not do this to each other.
OK, you want to share some truths? How about - you're only upset because I won't let you use Gerry for sex any more.
Or let you put your new market buddies in front of your real friends.
Or let you spend your whole life obsessing about mustard.
Merry anniversary.
Psst.
Him.
Nightclub toilet, bottle of poppers and a mobile phone.
Your turn.
He's not my type.
Too far away? I'm just not all about sex.
No, of course not.
You like foreplay, water sports, Bukkake, breathplay, webbing, seagulling, dogging Hey! Can I have a beer? My guitar's been stolen.
Oh.
Bad luck.
Luck's got nothing to do with it.
I should have gone home, taken the guitar home safe.
You've lost a guitar but you found me.
What? You can replace a guitar.
No, actually, I can't.
I can't just get another guitar that I've had for 15 years.
Seen me through everything.
Every shit place I've lived.
Every girl.
So, no, I can't just get another guitar.
Sometimes I think I'm sick of London.
Living in shitholes, being skint.
Being pissed all the time, waking up with the wrong I'm just sick of it.
Can I ask you something? Do the four of you do everything together? Yeah.
Pretty much.
Because you're a coven? Because we're friends.
And you live together? You live together because you're poor, though, right? Like, really, really poor.
Or because you actually enjoy it? How does that work? Do you all pay the same or does it - Oh, shut up! I'm about to lose everything I care about and you wanna know how we split our bills? OK.
Sorry.
Sorry.
You don't know the first thing about friendship, do you? All that money on a posh education but they don't teach you how to treat people.
Or about loyalty.
No.
I don't suppose they do.
All right? Yeah.
Sorry about yesterday.
It was me that you asked to mind your stall but er I don't know what happened.
Sorry.
Bit late now, Scouser, but thanks.
Did you find them? No.
But I did find out that me and Jude have got less in common than I thought.
Me and him don't have nothing in common.
He supports Everton, I support Liverpool.
It's a nightmare.
How do you make it work? Family.
If he was my mate I'd ditch him.
See you later.
Thanks.
(THUNDER CRACKS) Remember me? You attacked me yesterday, you little shit.
Do you think you'd get away with that? Think I was a little mouse? Where are you going? Get out my way.
I'm not gonna run away anymore.
It's all your fault.
Fuck off.
I'm warning you.
I'm not scared of you.
Bloody bully! Someone needs to teach you a lesson.
Shit.
See what you made me do! I don't even know you! I'm sorry.
Somebody paid me to mug you.
Dianne, Howard, do sit down.
Allow me to introduce you to India, our very, very talented new girl.
She is going to tell you how we should focus on the alternative uses of mustard.
(PHONE ALERT) Excuse me, one minute.
India So, mustard.
Shit.
What hospital? Is she going to be OK? Excusez-moi just one moment.
Yeah, I'm coming now.
What happened? Grace is in hospital.
What? Stella? She got mugged yesterday.
We cast a spell to boost her confidence and now she's got into a fight.
It's all our fault.
It's not your fault.
What? Alexa paid for someone to mug Grace.
She's trying to ruin your anniversary.
She's obsessed with you.
Do you want me to come with you? Stay away from me.
What about the pitch? I don't give a shit.
My friend's in hospital.
Excuse me, could you tell me where CDU is, please? Through there.
Thanks.
Since I've been here, I've learned a lot about advertising but even more about friendship.
I'm not a great advertiser.
I'm not even a great person.
But with some good friends, I could be.
GRACE: And without real friends, your life is utterly and completely empty.
There are some things we do, which on our own we like, but with our friends, we love.
I really, really wish I had friends like this.
Janet, I think I should let you complete the presentation.
OK, you can't make it.
What's the point in being witches if you need all four of you conscious? Not to worry.
This is a nightmare.
OK, great, thank you.
I'll give them a try.
The witches of Brighton and Epping Forest can't make it.
I'll try the Cricklewood girls now.
Is she OK? What the fuck do you care? This is your fault! Leave it! Leave it.
Just go, yeah? OK, Jude.
How is she? They're just running some tests.
Is Grace your water element? Excuse me, could you give us some privacy, please? We'd like to pray.
We'll use this.
That must have cost a fortune.
OK, healing spell.
It's fine.
Wolfblood, virgin soil, green nettle.
Yellow nettle and caterpillar fur.
OK.
We hold hands.
Spirit Gracious, hear our cries.
ALL: Heal our sister as she lies.
Spirit mighty, use your power.
Bring light to our darkest hour.
Where's all the flashing lights? (RAPID BEEPING) (BEEPING SLOWS) Hey.
How is she? Yeah, she's fine.
Thank you.
You know you don't have to stay if - Yeah, I know.
How did the pitch go? They were loving it.
I used yours.
Thank you.
I reckon you'll get the ketchup.
Stella, can I ask a favour? You're hilar.
No, you're hilar.
Oh, I love it! I'm here.
Merry meet.
Merry meet, darling.
How is operation sack Ste? (CLEARS THROAT) Going well, actually.
What is she doing here? She's here for support.
I'm Alexa, I'm leaving the coven.
Totes bombshell.
Major shock and awe.
You can't leave.
We'll be lame.
They already are.
I forbid you, sweetie.
Who do you think you are? Gandalf? We'll totes bad mouth you all over town.
Complete trash-fest.
Name - gutter.
Serious draggage.
No change there, then.
Knock yourselves out.
Ciao, girls.
Ciao.
Bitch.
You'll find a new coven.
A couple of BFFs will do me.
Oh.
Just outside your flat, the green wheelie bin.
You might want to take a look inside.
Au revoir, Stella.
(LAUGHTER) That was for Grace.
These were outside in the bin.
My T-shirts.
And this.
The bitches of Kensington were messing us around all along.
What? They were trying to break us up.
Getting Grace mugged, nicking your stuff.
And Gerry's guitar, as well.
So, it wasn't my fault? Ha! Resolved.
Now we can just go back to how it was.
Merry anniversary.
Jude, I've got an idea.
We accessorise these.
Now this becomes the designer line and all the others are the diffusion.
See? I like it.
Who wants to give me a hand? He'll be doing his nut.
Someone should give it back to him.
You'll probably see him before I do.
Stew's probably ready.
Thanks.
JUDE: Mm.
Mm.
Happy anniversary! Sorry, guys.
It's disgusting.
Hey, it's me.
Someone ordered an erection? Her elitist, snobby friend wants a witch to choose for her kids so they get into a good coven.
I could do that.
Hannah Bright? Yes, come in.
The question I'm asking you, Hannah, is - are you up to the job? Oh, shit! I booty called.
I booty called! A switch got you into this mess and another will get you out.
Oh, fucking hell! This quiche is delicious.