TallBoyz (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Suck it Up and Go to Mars.
1 - ALL: Yeah! - [BOTTLES CLINKING.]
- TIM: Let's do this! - ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
[LOUD KISSING.]
[SIGHING.]
[LOUD KISSING.]
FRANCO: We did it, guys! We're progressive, straight male allies.
ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
TIM: Yeah! And now, we've overcome our internalized homophobia and misogyny.
ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
GULED: Sexuality is a spectrum, and anywhere you fall on it is great.
ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
VANCE: Oh! [LOUD KISSING.]
- GULED: [MAKES EATING NOISE.]
- TIM: [LAUGHS.]
VANCE: A quick question.
As allies Are we doing enough? TIM: One more time? ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
TallBoyz - S01E04 Suck it Up and Go to Mars POLICEMAN: Make sure when you take pictures there's no lens cap.
DETECTIVE: Give me a rundown! POLICEMAN: The victim is Anderson Morton.
23 years old, stabbed multiple times in the chest.
DETECTIVE: Do we have any suspects? POLICEMAN: We canvassed the neighbourhood, but no luck.
No weapon, no witnesses, no motive.
DETECTIVE: Clear the scene.
Now! POLICEMAN: You heard him, let's move! - MAN: Clearing, clearing.
- POLICEMAN: Come on.
DETECTIVE: [FARTS LOUDLY.]
[SNIFFING.]
Talk to me! PHOTOGRAPHER: Is he smelling his own farts? POLICEMAN: That's how he solves crimes.
His methods are unorthodox.
But they work.
DETECTIVE: [SNIFFING.]
DETECTIVE: Anderson was killed by his drinking buddy, Jasper.
He owed him $320.
Stabbed him multiple times in the chest with a five-inch blade.
You can find him and the murder weapon at this address.
- [FARTS LOUDLY.]
- [SNIFFING.]
Wait, he's at the airport! NARRATOR: Next time on The Flatulist DETECTIVE: [LOUD FARTING.]
The President's in danger! NARRATOR: The Flatulist.
Justice - He smelt it - VANCE: [SNIFFING.]
NARRATOR: And then he dealt it.
FRANCO: Well, here we are, fellows, our last night on Earth.
TIM: Man, I still can't believe we got picked for the first civilian flight to Mars! - GULED: Oh, I can.
- Our 40-page letter of intention was sick.
- TIM: And in iambic pentameter! - GULED: Very true.
FRANCO: We're pioneers of the planetary frontier.
- To us! - TIM & GULED: To us! - [SHOT GLASSES CLINKING.]
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
FRANCO: Travelling a little light there, huh, Vance? VANCE: I'm not going to Mars.
- TIM & GULED: What? - FRANCO: What about our pact? VANCE: Listen, I'd like to go, and you guys know how much I love a good pact.
It's just that I remembered I have to take my mom to the dentist next week, so TIM: Dude, think about it.
Sand as far as the eye can see.
No traffic, no taxes, no responsibilities, no trees, or water, or adorable animals, or family.
Huh.
- Guys, I'm out, too.
- FRANCO & GULED: What? TIM: Yeah, I was only going because everyone was going.
You know how susceptible I am to peer pressure.
GULED: Fine.
I'm not going, either.
FRANCO: What's your reason? GULED: I don't need a reason why I don't want to live on a goddamn, rusty, - red-ass planet for the rest of my life.
- FRANCO: Fine.
I don't want to be the only one.
I won't go either.
VANCE, TIM, & GULED: No! VANCE: You have the opportunity to live on Mars and you're gonna pass that up? FRANCO: But you're passing it up! VANCE: I have an air-tight excuse, remember? - My mom's chiropractor.
- GULED: Dentist! VANCE: Oh, yeah.
Uh, dentist.
FRANCO: I can't believe you guys! Going to Mars was our dream.
A chance at a new beginning, together! Tim, you wanted to start a farm and feed the new colony.
TIM: That's true.
FRANCO: Vance, you wanted to find love under Mars' glowing blue sunset.
VANCE: I'd still like that.
FRANCO: And Guled, you wanted to start a war with Earth, which is weird, but still, it's something you wanted.
GULED: The greater planet will succeed.
FRANCO: Guys, let's not let fear of the unknown stop an adventure of a lifetime.
We're a team, brothers till the end.
What do you say, fellas? Let's go to Mars! [HEROIC MUSIC SWELLS UP.]
FRANCO: First it's restaurants, now it's a mission to Mars.
I friggin' hate those stupid jerks.
WOMAN: Wow, somebody actually came! FRANCO: Is it just you and me? WOMAN: Just you.
FRANCO: Oh.
WOMAN: Uh, I have a dentist appointment, so But, um, drink lots of water! FRANCO: I hate outer space! - COACH: Come on, throw a punch! - BOBBY: It's all right, balance that.
- BOBBY: Oh! - COACH: Recover, come on! - [CLAPS.]
BOBBY: You're okay, you're okay.
- COACH: Hmm! - JOHN: Argh! - [BELL RINGS.]
COACH: Come on! JOHN: I can't beat him! He's too fast.
COACH: Work the left side and punch a hole in his goddamned chest, you hear me? - JOHN: Yes, Coach.
- COACH: What do you do? JOHN: I punch a hole in his chest.
COACH: You're a lion, John, and he's a lamb.
I believe in you because you're a lion.
And I believe in lions, John.
Understand? - JOHN: Yeah.
- COACH: What are you? - JOHN: I'm a lion.
- COACH: Damn right.
Now go out there and kick that rice farmer's ass! JOHN: Wait, what did you just say? Ugh! Oh, shit.
COACH: [VOICE IN JOHN'S HEAD.]
You're a lion! JOHN: He's right.
COACH: [VOICE IN JOHN'S HEAD.]
Rice farmer! JOHN: Oh, come on! Oh! COACH: Knock that chopstick out! JOHN: Oh, I am so sorry.
Ugh! [BELL RINGS.]
COACH: You're turning into lo mein out there.
JOHN: I don't like that.
COACH: Well, we didn't like Pearl Harbor.
BOBBY: Uh, he's Vietnamese, actually.
COACH: I don't give a damn about his religion! Just knock him the hell out, Johnny.
[BELL RINGS.]
JOHN: [HEAVY BREATHING.]
COACH: You got to throw a punch! JOHN: I just feel uncomfortable now, you know? Ugh! COACH: There's nothing comfortable about fighting.
JOHN: Yeah, but I want to fight for the right reasons! This kind of feels like a hate crime if I COACH: Stop acting like a girl! JOHN: You see, even that's problematic, and [BELL RINGS.]
JOHN: [WINCES.]
Ah, Jesus! Ah COACH: What's the matter? You're getting killed out there! JOHN: I don't know, it's just that you're from a different time, and you've been really supportive.
I mean, and you're a veteran, so I don't want to undermine your valour and COACH: Spit it out! JOHN: I think what you said was a bit racist.
- Like, I don't think you're a racist.
- COACH: That's so funny.
Stop acting like a fuckin' pussy.
JOHN: See, that's toxic masculinity.
There's really no need for that! COACH: Bobby B.
, talk some sense into this guy.
[AWKWARD SILENCE.]
COACH: Bobby ? Sam? SAM: I wasn't gonna say anything.
COACH: Am I out of touch? When I started boxing, it was a fight for your life.
You had nothing, and if you had something, there was always someone trying to take it away from you.
COACH: You've got a gift, John, and if I said anything offensive, it was only to make you believe in yourself.
Because I love you.
You deserve to be a champ.
So go out there, and take what's yours JOHN: Thanks, Coach.
COACH: before they take all our jobs.
Let's go! Let's fight! JOHN: Augh Argh! [BELL RINGS.]
ARTIST: The problem with Toronto is that the art scene is dead.
If you truly want great art, you must take to the streets.
Now, this is a work of great tension.
A smiling sun shines down on a jocular little family.
And what's this? The large-faced little girl with her mocking grin towers over her own home.
Fascinating! Who created this masterpiece? Who shall lay claim to this insightful critique of the modern family dynamic? Was it you? [GASPS.]
And so, it stays anonymous, like all great art.
But ho ho! Oh my! Oh me, oh my! A 1, and then a 2-3, followed by an adjacent 5 and 6.
Oh! Oh my stars and goddess! Each escalating number a scathing indictment of condo living.
[GASPS.]
And what do we have here? Uninspired lines leading to nowhere? Pity pah! What derivative - [VAN HONKS.]
- ARTIST: [SCREAMS.]
- [BREAKS SCREECHING.]
- [LOUD THUD.]
[GLASS SQUEAKING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
POLICEMAN: What the hell happened here? DETECTIVE: [FARTS LOUDLY.]
[SNIFFING.]
Open and shut case.
Art critic, hit by vehicle.
Any way you frame this, he's Picas-so dead.
POLICEMAN: The Van Goghed when it should have van stopped.
He went from Basquiat to Basqui-splat.
DETECTIVE: [CHUCKLES.]
POLICEMAN: He went from postmodern to post-mortem.
- DETECTIVE: Okay, hey! - POLICEMAN: Yeah, what? DETECTIVE: Let me do the detective work, okay? - POLICEMAN: All right, all right! - DETECTIVE: This is my thing.
POLICEMAN: I was just fuelling the fire, baby.
NIGEL: Growing up gets so crazy sometimes, it's nice to remember where you came from.
- Thanks for this.
- CHRIS: Oh, don't thank me, thank the principal for letting us in here.
NIGEL: Hey, check it out! My old locker! It still has my old Raptors lock! CHRIS: Oh, man, how many times has this locker saved us from an ass-kicking by the rugby team? NIGEL: At least 35 times, but not as many times as NIGEL & CHRIS: Sam! [LAUGHTER.]
NIGEL: Remember the last day of school when the bullies were chasing Sam, so we hid him inside the locker? CHRIS: They never suspected a thing! NIGEL: That was the day Vince Carter dropped by the gym and we rushed out to meet him.
CHRIS: We walked out of high school on our last day high off the joy of meeting our hero.
NIGEL: And we proceeded to have the best summer ever before going away to college and - Oh my God, we forgot about Sam.
- CHRIS: What? NIGEL: We left our school and we never came back to get Sam out.
CHRIS: No, we must have come back, all right? Because I got Vince Carter to sign my jersey, then we took a Polaroid picture and I shook it all the way home, and I remember, because the song.
"Hey Ya!" had just Oh my God, we killed Sam.
NIGEL: I was doing Jagerbombs at Western while my friend was rotting away.
CHRIS: We have to open the locker.
NIGEL: One One - One.
- [LOCK CLANGING.]
[LOCKER SQUEAKS OPEN.]
SAM: Oh! [STRETCHING LOUDLY.]
Hmm! Nigel! - Chris! - NIGEL: Sam My God.
- You're alive? - SAM: Of course! What has it been, like 12 years? NIGEL: Yeah.
CHRIS: You look great! Uh, your skin's really cleared up.
SAM: Oh, just keeping out of the sun.
CHRIS: And you you're looking fit, too.
SAM: 12 years of standing.
It turns out it's the best exercise there is.
NIGEL: So life's been good, then? SAM: No, Nigel.
It's been great! [LAUGHTER.]
SAM: The locker's been the best thing to ever happen to me.
I met my wife in there 10 years back, and Look at me, yapping about myself.
What about you guys? Chris, did you end up becoming a firefighter? CHRIS: No, I work at The Beer Store.
SAM: Fantastic.
Would you guys like to take a look around? [SCARY MUSIC.]
NIGEL & CHRIS: Sure SAM: Yeah, I can take that off your hands.
Thank you! NIGEL: It's pretty dark in here! SAM: Is it? Yeah, it is! Isn't it? [LOCKER SLAMS SHUT.]
CHRIS: Oh! SAM: That's what you get for leaving me in there for 12 years.
CHRIS: But we'll still live a great life, too, right? SAM: No, of course not! It'll be horrible.
Just take care of my wife for me.
CHRIS: What is he talking about? NIGEL: A wife? Huh? [SCREAMING.]
[ELECTRIC GUITAR WAILING.]
[GUITAR BUTTONS CLICKING.]
ROCKER CURTIS: Yeah! [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[GUITAR BUTTONS CLICKING.]
MONICA: [SIGHS.]
You're still playing this game that you were playing when I left for work and came home? Are we ever gonna leave the house? Curtis! [YELLING.]
Curtis! CURTIS: Huh? Oh, what's up, babe? MONICA: Did you hear a word I said? - CURTIS: Uh, yeah, sure.
- MONICA: Then what did I say? CURTIS: Uh, you said that I should play this on Expert mode because I'm up for a challenge! - MONICA: No! - CURTIS: Oh.
MONICA: What are you doing? CURTIS: Babe, I can listen and play.
ROCKER CURTIS: Yeah! [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
ROCKER MONICA: Listen, we really need to talk.
ROCKER CURTIS: What's wrong, babe? ROCKER MONICA: You're always so distracted.
We've been together for a while and I don't know where this is heading.
ROCKER CURTIS: Just ride the wave, babe! Follow your heart! ROCKER MONICA: You're not listening to me! - [DISTORTED AMP NOISES.]
- ROCKER CURTIS: [SCREAMS.]
CURTIS: [PANICKED SCREAMS.]
Ah, ah, ah! MONICA: Oh my God.
Okay, okay! MONICA: Okay, that's it.
I'm leaving! CURTIS: Wait, what? No, babe! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I know I've been really selfish over the past 15 years.
I'm putting it down.
And you know what? I wrote you a song.
MONICA: You did? Oh! No one's ever written a song for me before.
I've been too hard on you, and this is really just [GUITAR BUTTONS CLICKING.]
MONICA: This is it? This is the song? Ugh! Goodbye! Have a nice life! [DOOR SLAMS.]
REPORTER: I'm standing here with Xander Thomas, who finished with 27 points, 12 rebounds, and hit the game-winner.
Xander, how does it feel to do that in front of your hometown crowd? XANDER: Uh, amazing.
I've played everywhere, but honestly there's nothing like your hometown crowd.
REPORTER: You went 10 for 10 from the line with your mom watching you in the stands.
- It must have felt great.
- [CHEERLEADERS CHEERING.]
XANDER: I love my mom.
She's my number one supporter, from Little League to the pros.
She's always been there for me.
REPORTER: Speaking of being there for you, your estranged father was not.
Today was the first time he's seen you play in 30 years after being in prison for a crime he did not commit.
How does it feel to have your father, a virtual stranger, watching you today? XANDER: Uh, wow.
Um, okay.
I feel overwhelmed.
But it was a team effort.
Innocence International really pushed the DA to get him released.
Hey, Dad.
REPORTER: Now, I got to ask about your kids.
XANDER: Do you got to? REPORTER: You just lost a lengthy custody battle over both your children.
How do you move on? XANDER: I guess you can't win them all.
You got to go out there and leave it all on the court.
Give 110%, sometimes more.
REPORTER: All right, now let's talk about passing.
XANDER: Oh, yeah, great.
Absolutely.
REPORTER: Specifically, the passing of your grandmother during the middle of the game today.
XANDER: What? REPORTER: I have an urn with her ashes, right here.
XANDER: [GASPS.]
Oh, God! REPORTER: Her last words were, "Where's Xander," "my sweet, darling boy?" Tell me, what's going through your mind right now? XANDER: Uh okay.
Shock? Grief.
Confusion as to how you got my nana's ashes.
Like, was there a service? - REPORTER: Yes.
It was very moving.
- TEAMMATES: Happy birthday! [AIR HORN BLASTS.]
[URN SHATTERS.]
TEAMMATES: Birthday boy! Woo! - JANITOR: [WHISTLES.]
- XANDER: [GASPS.]
REPORTER: Well, I'll let you get back to celebrating - your epic win - XANDER: Nana! REPORTER: Reconnecting with your father and, of course, mourning the loss of a loved one.
Thanks for talking to me, Xander.
- XANDER: [WHIMPERING.]
- REPORTER: Back to you, John! XANDER: Why? [CRYING.]
REPORTER: Cut.
VANCE: It's like when they used to final exams.
WILL: Yeah, pretty much.
- VANCE: You hear about Charlie? - CHARLIE: [GROWLING QUIETLY.]
WILL: Yeah, geez.
Divorced at his age? - Must be tough.
- VANCE: Yeah.
- WILL: We should be supportive.
- VANCE: Yeah.
Hey, Charlie.
CHARLIE: What's up, guys? WILL: Hey, Charlie.
So, we heard about your situation.
VANCE: Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about the bad news.
CHARLIE: Bad news? What are you talking about? Do you mean good news? It is Opposite Day.
WILL: Oh.
Wait, what? CHARLIE: Opposite Day.
So whenever someone tells you something, they actually mean the exact opposite is true.
WILL: We don't know if that's super appropriate at a law firm.
CHARLIE: No, no, no, no! It'll be fun! Uh, for example, my wife, who I am currently married to WILL: Oh, no.
CHARLIE: has been telling our daughter - that I am very emotionally intact! - WILL: Right.
VANCE: Do you guys want to draft some emails? CHARLIE: Oh, oh, oh, and another thing.
[LAUGHS.]
I've spent the past three nights in a beautiful hotel where there are absolutely no roaches and the stains in my bed are definitely not blood! Ha-ha, slept like a baby! Huh! WILL: Listen, Charlie, it sounds like you need - to talk to someone.
- CHARLIE: Oh, oh, and get this.
Turns out my wife is getting a legal order which demands I stay within 25 metres of her at all times! Ha-ha, we'll be sooo close! I am absolutely thrilled! WILL: The CN Tower is really tall.
VANCE: Oh, it's like, up CHARLIE: Oh, and the best part, or should I say the worst part? [LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Is that my brother tells me she hasn't taken a new lover.
- WILL: He is not doing good.
- CHARLIE: Oh, and Will? One more thing: Start fucking my wife.
WILL: I promise it will never happen again.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- WILL: [WHISPERS.]
Opposite Day.
It's for sure gonna happen again! VANCE: Dude! [SIGHS.]
Charlie? FRANCO: Road trip with my boys.
ALL: Yeah! TIM: Spin it.
Hit them bars! GULED: [RAPPING.]
Camping tonight, that's the trip.
- TIM: Uh-huh! - GULED: Gang be rolling in the whip! ALL: Eh! VANCE: A server keep the change? - Ooh, that's your tip.
- TIM: Uh-huh.
VANCE: Ooh, my crew's sipping champagne on the ship.
TIM & FRANCO: Oh! - TIM: Here we go.
- FRANCO: Oh! TIM: Chartreuse chocolate mousse, that's to spread.
Yo, I eat it every day on artisanal bread GPS COMPUTER: Turn right on Abonneville Road.
TIM: Oh, that's okay.
Uh, yo, yo, yo, driving on Abonneville - Road! And I'm 23 years - TIM & FRANCO: Old! TIM: I'm so smart and quick.
Hand on my gat and my Di GPS COMPUTER: In 200 metres, turn left.
- VANCE: Oh, goddammit! - TIM: I was just getting into it.
GULED: There, we should be good.
TIM: Okay.
Okay, get 'em, Franco.
FRANCO: They say Franco can't rhyme the word orange, - but what about the word - GPS COMPUTER: Turn right.
- FRANCO: Oh, come on! - TIM: What the hell? GULED: I'm following the directions! FRANCO: I was just about to kill it! - GPS COMPUTER: Turn left.
- VANCE: Come on, get back on the road.
- We've got to rap.
- GULED: I'm trying! GPS COMPUTER: Turn right-ight-ight.
Tu-turn-uh-uh-uh [GPS FRITZES OUT.]
- TIM & FRANCO: Huh? - GPS COMPUTER: [RAPPING.]
GPS.
My bars are insane.
I remind everyone to stay in the right lane.
ALL: Oh! GPS COMPUTER: Fresh from your speakers, I am the dopest with the freeze.
In 10 metres, watch out for those trees.
ALL: Oh! FRANCO: Wait, what? ALL: [SCREAMING.]
[CAR CRASHES INTO TREE.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
DETECTIVE: Jesus POLICEMAN: So, what do you think? DETECTIVE: Give me a goddamned second.
[FARTS LOUDLY.]
[SNIFFING.]
Murder by GPS.
Slain by some sick-ass rhymes.
Who would do this? POLICEMAN: [SNEEZES.]
It's gonna happen again! NARRATOR: Coming this fall after The Flatulist, The Allergist.
POLICEMAN: We're going to Detroit.
- TIM: Let's do this! - ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
[LOUD KISSING.]
[SIGHING.]
[LOUD KISSING.]
FRANCO: We did it, guys! We're progressive, straight male allies.
ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
TIM: Yeah! And now, we've overcome our internalized homophobia and misogyny.
ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
GULED: Sexuality is a spectrum, and anywhere you fall on it is great.
ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
VANCE: Oh! [LOUD KISSING.]
- GULED: [MAKES EATING NOISE.]
- TIM: [LAUGHS.]
VANCE: A quick question.
As allies Are we doing enough? TIM: One more time? ALL: Yeah! [LOUD KISSING.]
TallBoyz - S01E04 Suck it Up and Go to Mars POLICEMAN: Make sure when you take pictures there's no lens cap.
DETECTIVE: Give me a rundown! POLICEMAN: The victim is Anderson Morton.
23 years old, stabbed multiple times in the chest.
DETECTIVE: Do we have any suspects? POLICEMAN: We canvassed the neighbourhood, but no luck.
No weapon, no witnesses, no motive.
DETECTIVE: Clear the scene.
Now! POLICEMAN: You heard him, let's move! - MAN: Clearing, clearing.
- POLICEMAN: Come on.
DETECTIVE: [FARTS LOUDLY.]
[SNIFFING.]
Talk to me! PHOTOGRAPHER: Is he smelling his own farts? POLICEMAN: That's how he solves crimes.
His methods are unorthodox.
But they work.
DETECTIVE: [SNIFFING.]
DETECTIVE: Anderson was killed by his drinking buddy, Jasper.
He owed him $320.
Stabbed him multiple times in the chest with a five-inch blade.
You can find him and the murder weapon at this address.
- [FARTS LOUDLY.]
- [SNIFFING.]
Wait, he's at the airport! NARRATOR: Next time on The Flatulist DETECTIVE: [LOUD FARTING.]
The President's in danger! NARRATOR: The Flatulist.
Justice - He smelt it - VANCE: [SNIFFING.]
NARRATOR: And then he dealt it.
FRANCO: Well, here we are, fellows, our last night on Earth.
TIM: Man, I still can't believe we got picked for the first civilian flight to Mars! - GULED: Oh, I can.
- Our 40-page letter of intention was sick.
- TIM: And in iambic pentameter! - GULED: Very true.
FRANCO: We're pioneers of the planetary frontier.
- To us! - TIM & GULED: To us! - [SHOT GLASSES CLINKING.]
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
FRANCO: Travelling a little light there, huh, Vance? VANCE: I'm not going to Mars.
- TIM & GULED: What? - FRANCO: What about our pact? VANCE: Listen, I'd like to go, and you guys know how much I love a good pact.
It's just that I remembered I have to take my mom to the dentist next week, so TIM: Dude, think about it.
Sand as far as the eye can see.
No traffic, no taxes, no responsibilities, no trees, or water, or adorable animals, or family.
Huh.
- Guys, I'm out, too.
- FRANCO & GULED: What? TIM: Yeah, I was only going because everyone was going.
You know how susceptible I am to peer pressure.
GULED: Fine.
I'm not going, either.
FRANCO: What's your reason? GULED: I don't need a reason why I don't want to live on a goddamn, rusty, - red-ass planet for the rest of my life.
- FRANCO: Fine.
I don't want to be the only one.
I won't go either.
VANCE, TIM, & GULED: No! VANCE: You have the opportunity to live on Mars and you're gonna pass that up? FRANCO: But you're passing it up! VANCE: I have an air-tight excuse, remember? - My mom's chiropractor.
- GULED: Dentist! VANCE: Oh, yeah.
Uh, dentist.
FRANCO: I can't believe you guys! Going to Mars was our dream.
A chance at a new beginning, together! Tim, you wanted to start a farm and feed the new colony.
TIM: That's true.
FRANCO: Vance, you wanted to find love under Mars' glowing blue sunset.
VANCE: I'd still like that.
FRANCO: And Guled, you wanted to start a war with Earth, which is weird, but still, it's something you wanted.
GULED: The greater planet will succeed.
FRANCO: Guys, let's not let fear of the unknown stop an adventure of a lifetime.
We're a team, brothers till the end.
What do you say, fellas? Let's go to Mars! [HEROIC MUSIC SWELLS UP.]
FRANCO: First it's restaurants, now it's a mission to Mars.
I friggin' hate those stupid jerks.
WOMAN: Wow, somebody actually came! FRANCO: Is it just you and me? WOMAN: Just you.
FRANCO: Oh.
WOMAN: Uh, I have a dentist appointment, so But, um, drink lots of water! FRANCO: I hate outer space! - COACH: Come on, throw a punch! - BOBBY: It's all right, balance that.
- BOBBY: Oh! - COACH: Recover, come on! - [CLAPS.]
BOBBY: You're okay, you're okay.
- COACH: Hmm! - JOHN: Argh! - [BELL RINGS.]
COACH: Come on! JOHN: I can't beat him! He's too fast.
COACH: Work the left side and punch a hole in his goddamned chest, you hear me? - JOHN: Yes, Coach.
- COACH: What do you do? JOHN: I punch a hole in his chest.
COACH: You're a lion, John, and he's a lamb.
I believe in you because you're a lion.
And I believe in lions, John.
Understand? - JOHN: Yeah.
- COACH: What are you? - JOHN: I'm a lion.
- COACH: Damn right.
Now go out there and kick that rice farmer's ass! JOHN: Wait, what did you just say? Ugh! Oh, shit.
COACH: [VOICE IN JOHN'S HEAD.]
You're a lion! JOHN: He's right.
COACH: [VOICE IN JOHN'S HEAD.]
Rice farmer! JOHN: Oh, come on! Oh! COACH: Knock that chopstick out! JOHN: Oh, I am so sorry.
Ugh! [BELL RINGS.]
COACH: You're turning into lo mein out there.
JOHN: I don't like that.
COACH: Well, we didn't like Pearl Harbor.
BOBBY: Uh, he's Vietnamese, actually.
COACH: I don't give a damn about his religion! Just knock him the hell out, Johnny.
[BELL RINGS.]
JOHN: [HEAVY BREATHING.]
COACH: You got to throw a punch! JOHN: I just feel uncomfortable now, you know? Ugh! COACH: There's nothing comfortable about fighting.
JOHN: Yeah, but I want to fight for the right reasons! This kind of feels like a hate crime if I COACH: Stop acting like a girl! JOHN: You see, even that's problematic, and [BELL RINGS.]
JOHN: [WINCES.]
Ah, Jesus! Ah COACH: What's the matter? You're getting killed out there! JOHN: I don't know, it's just that you're from a different time, and you've been really supportive.
I mean, and you're a veteran, so I don't want to undermine your valour and COACH: Spit it out! JOHN: I think what you said was a bit racist.
- Like, I don't think you're a racist.
- COACH: That's so funny.
Stop acting like a fuckin' pussy.
JOHN: See, that's toxic masculinity.
There's really no need for that! COACH: Bobby B.
, talk some sense into this guy.
[AWKWARD SILENCE.]
COACH: Bobby ? Sam? SAM: I wasn't gonna say anything.
COACH: Am I out of touch? When I started boxing, it was a fight for your life.
You had nothing, and if you had something, there was always someone trying to take it away from you.
COACH: You've got a gift, John, and if I said anything offensive, it was only to make you believe in yourself.
Because I love you.
You deserve to be a champ.
So go out there, and take what's yours JOHN: Thanks, Coach.
COACH: before they take all our jobs.
Let's go! Let's fight! JOHN: Augh Argh! [BELL RINGS.]
ARTIST: The problem with Toronto is that the art scene is dead.
If you truly want great art, you must take to the streets.
Now, this is a work of great tension.
A smiling sun shines down on a jocular little family.
And what's this? The large-faced little girl with her mocking grin towers over her own home.
Fascinating! Who created this masterpiece? Who shall lay claim to this insightful critique of the modern family dynamic? Was it you? [GASPS.]
And so, it stays anonymous, like all great art.
But ho ho! Oh my! Oh me, oh my! A 1, and then a 2-3, followed by an adjacent 5 and 6.
Oh! Oh my stars and goddess! Each escalating number a scathing indictment of condo living.
[GASPS.]
And what do we have here? Uninspired lines leading to nowhere? Pity pah! What derivative - [VAN HONKS.]
- ARTIST: [SCREAMS.]
- [BREAKS SCREECHING.]
- [LOUD THUD.]
[GLASS SQUEAKING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
POLICEMAN: What the hell happened here? DETECTIVE: [FARTS LOUDLY.]
[SNIFFING.]
Open and shut case.
Art critic, hit by vehicle.
Any way you frame this, he's Picas-so dead.
POLICEMAN: The Van Goghed when it should have van stopped.
He went from Basquiat to Basqui-splat.
DETECTIVE: [CHUCKLES.]
POLICEMAN: He went from postmodern to post-mortem.
- DETECTIVE: Okay, hey! - POLICEMAN: Yeah, what? DETECTIVE: Let me do the detective work, okay? - POLICEMAN: All right, all right! - DETECTIVE: This is my thing.
POLICEMAN: I was just fuelling the fire, baby.
NIGEL: Growing up gets so crazy sometimes, it's nice to remember where you came from.
- Thanks for this.
- CHRIS: Oh, don't thank me, thank the principal for letting us in here.
NIGEL: Hey, check it out! My old locker! It still has my old Raptors lock! CHRIS: Oh, man, how many times has this locker saved us from an ass-kicking by the rugby team? NIGEL: At least 35 times, but not as many times as NIGEL & CHRIS: Sam! [LAUGHTER.]
NIGEL: Remember the last day of school when the bullies were chasing Sam, so we hid him inside the locker? CHRIS: They never suspected a thing! NIGEL: That was the day Vince Carter dropped by the gym and we rushed out to meet him.
CHRIS: We walked out of high school on our last day high off the joy of meeting our hero.
NIGEL: And we proceeded to have the best summer ever before going away to college and - Oh my God, we forgot about Sam.
- CHRIS: What? NIGEL: We left our school and we never came back to get Sam out.
CHRIS: No, we must have come back, all right? Because I got Vince Carter to sign my jersey, then we took a Polaroid picture and I shook it all the way home, and I remember, because the song.
"Hey Ya!" had just Oh my God, we killed Sam.
NIGEL: I was doing Jagerbombs at Western while my friend was rotting away.
CHRIS: We have to open the locker.
NIGEL: One One - One.
- [LOCK CLANGING.]
[LOCKER SQUEAKS OPEN.]
SAM: Oh! [STRETCHING LOUDLY.]
Hmm! Nigel! - Chris! - NIGEL: Sam My God.
- You're alive? - SAM: Of course! What has it been, like 12 years? NIGEL: Yeah.
CHRIS: You look great! Uh, your skin's really cleared up.
SAM: Oh, just keeping out of the sun.
CHRIS: And you you're looking fit, too.
SAM: 12 years of standing.
It turns out it's the best exercise there is.
NIGEL: So life's been good, then? SAM: No, Nigel.
It's been great! [LAUGHTER.]
SAM: The locker's been the best thing to ever happen to me.
I met my wife in there 10 years back, and Look at me, yapping about myself.
What about you guys? Chris, did you end up becoming a firefighter? CHRIS: No, I work at The Beer Store.
SAM: Fantastic.
Would you guys like to take a look around? [SCARY MUSIC.]
NIGEL & CHRIS: Sure SAM: Yeah, I can take that off your hands.
Thank you! NIGEL: It's pretty dark in here! SAM: Is it? Yeah, it is! Isn't it? [LOCKER SLAMS SHUT.]
CHRIS: Oh! SAM: That's what you get for leaving me in there for 12 years.
CHRIS: But we'll still live a great life, too, right? SAM: No, of course not! It'll be horrible.
Just take care of my wife for me.
CHRIS: What is he talking about? NIGEL: A wife? Huh? [SCREAMING.]
[ELECTRIC GUITAR WAILING.]
[GUITAR BUTTONS CLICKING.]
ROCKER CURTIS: Yeah! [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[GUITAR BUTTONS CLICKING.]
MONICA: [SIGHS.]
You're still playing this game that you were playing when I left for work and came home? Are we ever gonna leave the house? Curtis! [YELLING.]
Curtis! CURTIS: Huh? Oh, what's up, babe? MONICA: Did you hear a word I said? - CURTIS: Uh, yeah, sure.
- MONICA: Then what did I say? CURTIS: Uh, you said that I should play this on Expert mode because I'm up for a challenge! - MONICA: No! - CURTIS: Oh.
MONICA: What are you doing? CURTIS: Babe, I can listen and play.
ROCKER CURTIS: Yeah! [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
ROCKER MONICA: Listen, we really need to talk.
ROCKER CURTIS: What's wrong, babe? ROCKER MONICA: You're always so distracted.
We've been together for a while and I don't know where this is heading.
ROCKER CURTIS: Just ride the wave, babe! Follow your heart! ROCKER MONICA: You're not listening to me! - [DISTORTED AMP NOISES.]
- ROCKER CURTIS: [SCREAMS.]
CURTIS: [PANICKED SCREAMS.]
Ah, ah, ah! MONICA: Oh my God.
Okay, okay! MONICA: Okay, that's it.
I'm leaving! CURTIS: Wait, what? No, babe! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I know I've been really selfish over the past 15 years.
I'm putting it down.
And you know what? I wrote you a song.
MONICA: You did? Oh! No one's ever written a song for me before.
I've been too hard on you, and this is really just [GUITAR BUTTONS CLICKING.]
MONICA: This is it? This is the song? Ugh! Goodbye! Have a nice life! [DOOR SLAMS.]
REPORTER: I'm standing here with Xander Thomas, who finished with 27 points, 12 rebounds, and hit the game-winner.
Xander, how does it feel to do that in front of your hometown crowd? XANDER: Uh, amazing.
I've played everywhere, but honestly there's nothing like your hometown crowd.
REPORTER: You went 10 for 10 from the line with your mom watching you in the stands.
- It must have felt great.
- [CHEERLEADERS CHEERING.]
XANDER: I love my mom.
She's my number one supporter, from Little League to the pros.
She's always been there for me.
REPORTER: Speaking of being there for you, your estranged father was not.
Today was the first time he's seen you play in 30 years after being in prison for a crime he did not commit.
How does it feel to have your father, a virtual stranger, watching you today? XANDER: Uh, wow.
Um, okay.
I feel overwhelmed.
But it was a team effort.
Innocence International really pushed the DA to get him released.
Hey, Dad.
REPORTER: Now, I got to ask about your kids.
XANDER: Do you got to? REPORTER: You just lost a lengthy custody battle over both your children.
How do you move on? XANDER: I guess you can't win them all.
You got to go out there and leave it all on the court.
Give 110%, sometimes more.
REPORTER: All right, now let's talk about passing.
XANDER: Oh, yeah, great.
Absolutely.
REPORTER: Specifically, the passing of your grandmother during the middle of the game today.
XANDER: What? REPORTER: I have an urn with her ashes, right here.
XANDER: [GASPS.]
Oh, God! REPORTER: Her last words were, "Where's Xander," "my sweet, darling boy?" Tell me, what's going through your mind right now? XANDER: Uh okay.
Shock? Grief.
Confusion as to how you got my nana's ashes.
Like, was there a service? - REPORTER: Yes.
It was very moving.
- TEAMMATES: Happy birthday! [AIR HORN BLASTS.]
[URN SHATTERS.]
TEAMMATES: Birthday boy! Woo! - JANITOR: [WHISTLES.]
- XANDER: [GASPS.]
REPORTER: Well, I'll let you get back to celebrating - your epic win - XANDER: Nana! REPORTER: Reconnecting with your father and, of course, mourning the loss of a loved one.
Thanks for talking to me, Xander.
- XANDER: [WHIMPERING.]
- REPORTER: Back to you, John! XANDER: Why? [CRYING.]
REPORTER: Cut.
VANCE: It's like when they used to final exams.
WILL: Yeah, pretty much.
- VANCE: You hear about Charlie? - CHARLIE: [GROWLING QUIETLY.]
WILL: Yeah, geez.
Divorced at his age? - Must be tough.
- VANCE: Yeah.
- WILL: We should be supportive.
- VANCE: Yeah.
Hey, Charlie.
CHARLIE: What's up, guys? WILL: Hey, Charlie.
So, we heard about your situation.
VANCE: Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about the bad news.
CHARLIE: Bad news? What are you talking about? Do you mean good news? It is Opposite Day.
WILL: Oh.
Wait, what? CHARLIE: Opposite Day.
So whenever someone tells you something, they actually mean the exact opposite is true.
WILL: We don't know if that's super appropriate at a law firm.
CHARLIE: No, no, no, no! It'll be fun! Uh, for example, my wife, who I am currently married to WILL: Oh, no.
CHARLIE: has been telling our daughter - that I am very emotionally intact! - WILL: Right.
VANCE: Do you guys want to draft some emails? CHARLIE: Oh, oh, oh, and another thing.
[LAUGHS.]
I've spent the past three nights in a beautiful hotel where there are absolutely no roaches and the stains in my bed are definitely not blood! Ha-ha, slept like a baby! Huh! WILL: Listen, Charlie, it sounds like you need - to talk to someone.
- CHARLIE: Oh, oh, and get this.
Turns out my wife is getting a legal order which demands I stay within 25 metres of her at all times! Ha-ha, we'll be sooo close! I am absolutely thrilled! WILL: The CN Tower is really tall.
VANCE: Oh, it's like, up CHARLIE: Oh, and the best part, or should I say the worst part? [LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Is that my brother tells me she hasn't taken a new lover.
- WILL: He is not doing good.
- CHARLIE: Oh, and Will? One more thing: Start fucking my wife.
WILL: I promise it will never happen again.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- WILL: [WHISPERS.]
Opposite Day.
It's for sure gonna happen again! VANCE: Dude! [SIGHS.]
Charlie? FRANCO: Road trip with my boys.
ALL: Yeah! TIM: Spin it.
Hit them bars! GULED: [RAPPING.]
Camping tonight, that's the trip.
- TIM: Uh-huh! - GULED: Gang be rolling in the whip! ALL: Eh! VANCE: A server keep the change? - Ooh, that's your tip.
- TIM: Uh-huh.
VANCE: Ooh, my crew's sipping champagne on the ship.
TIM & FRANCO: Oh! - TIM: Here we go.
- FRANCO: Oh! TIM: Chartreuse chocolate mousse, that's to spread.
Yo, I eat it every day on artisanal bread GPS COMPUTER: Turn right on Abonneville Road.
TIM: Oh, that's okay.
Uh, yo, yo, yo, driving on Abonneville - Road! And I'm 23 years - TIM & FRANCO: Old! TIM: I'm so smart and quick.
Hand on my gat and my Di GPS COMPUTER: In 200 metres, turn left.
- VANCE: Oh, goddammit! - TIM: I was just getting into it.
GULED: There, we should be good.
TIM: Okay.
Okay, get 'em, Franco.
FRANCO: They say Franco can't rhyme the word orange, - but what about the word - GPS COMPUTER: Turn right.
- FRANCO: Oh, come on! - TIM: What the hell? GULED: I'm following the directions! FRANCO: I was just about to kill it! - GPS COMPUTER: Turn left.
- VANCE: Come on, get back on the road.
- We've got to rap.
- GULED: I'm trying! GPS COMPUTER: Turn right-ight-ight.
Tu-turn-uh-uh-uh [GPS FRITZES OUT.]
- TIM & FRANCO: Huh? - GPS COMPUTER: [RAPPING.]
GPS.
My bars are insane.
I remind everyone to stay in the right lane.
ALL: Oh! GPS COMPUTER: Fresh from your speakers, I am the dopest with the freeze.
In 10 metres, watch out for those trees.
ALL: Oh! FRANCO: Wait, what? ALL: [SCREAMING.]
[CAR CRASHES INTO TREE.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
DETECTIVE: Jesus POLICEMAN: So, what do you think? DETECTIVE: Give me a goddamned second.
[FARTS LOUDLY.]
[SNIFFING.]
Murder by GPS.
Slain by some sick-ass rhymes.
Who would do this? POLICEMAN: [SNEEZES.]
It's gonna happen again! NARRATOR: Coming this fall after The Flatulist, The Allergist.
POLICEMAN: We're going to Detroit.