Taskmaster (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Hello, I am Greg Davies.
This is Taskmaster and
I am the Taskmaster.
For many years now, I've been getting
other comedians to do things for me.
Things like cleaning and cooking
and decorating my flat.
Now, for the first time,
we've filmed them doing it.
Over the past few months,
I have set a series of challenging
tasks to five challenged comedians.
They have no idea how each
other did, but they will soon find out.
I am in charge and they
need to remember that.
Let's meet them now.
First up, a man who is
technically not yet a pensioner.
The legend that is Frank Skinner!
Next, a man who still gets ID'd
when he buys vodka and knives.
It's Josh Widdicombe.
Once, when she was drunk,
she offered me a pasta meal
which she was going to put
every conceivable meat into.
It's Roisin Conaty.
He's a father, a son,
and a very angry man.
Romesh Ranganathan.
Finally, a man who's sort of quite
handsome, but also sort of not.
It's Tim Key!
As always, I'm both aided and comforted
by my personal assistant, Alex Horne.
- Alex?
- Yes?
W-what?
Do you want some banter,
or straight in with the show?
Er, one of each?
Um, I feel
I feel like I've learned
so much from you.
OK, so, the show
The first task, as always,
is the prize task.
Each of the contestants
has brought in
one of their own possessions
for the prize haul.
One of them will be awarded
points by you, Greg.
The one whose prize
impresses you the most.
Does that make sense?
Sort of.
This is their own stuff.
The winner's gonna take it all
home, so it makes it genuinely tense,
doesn't it, everyone?
Good. And this time, you've asked
them to bring in their most beautiful item.
Mr. Skinner, what have you
brought in that's beautiful?
I've brought in a country mouse
themed vacuum cleaner cover.
Oh, my God.
You genuinely bought this?
I was blown away by it, as they
say in the vacuum world.
Sucked. Surely sucked.
- Er, well. No, look at her.
- What?
It looks like a very coy badger.
Looks like a badger that's
sniffing its tits, doesn't it?
Josh, what have you brought
in for us that's beautiful?
A specially commissioned
piece of art.
No way.
Yep. I have a Magic Eye
of Greg Davies.
If you stare deep enough,
you'll see Greg Davies,
as naked as the day he was born.
I can see it and it's beautiful.
OK, Josh. I'm going to accept it's a
picture of me. It's a lovely offering.
Roisin, what beautiful item
have you brought us?
I've brought a cardigan that is the
most beautiful thing I've ever owned,
and I get more compliments
for it than anything.
Isn't it incredible? Right?
I've been stopped in the street
more for wearing this cardigan
than for anything I've
ever done on television.
I think you should take that less
as a compliment on your cardigan--
Shut up!
Anyone who saw you in
that is gonna go,
"Well, I'm gonna talk to
this crazy harlequin!"
Is that a nice cardigan?
Yes, those 12 women
agree with you.
Who thinks it's
an awful cardigan?
It's a brilliant cardigan if you
need to hide in a church.
Romesh, what beautiful item
have you brought us?
When my wife gave birth
to our first son
Ohh, that is such a
lovely story. Go on.
Well, it doesn't have a happy ending,
unfortunately, 'cause he is
a shithead now, but
My mother-in-law bought us
a little statuette
to symbolise the love
between mother and child,
and that is what I've brought.
My wife doesn't look like that.
- She hasn't got a perfect sphere for a head?
- No, no, no.
It's a beautiful little piece,
and also symbolic of maternal love,
and that's why I've
brought it this evening.
You are not this person at all.
Listen, I'm just showing another
side of myself, alright?
I don't wanna be persecuted for that.
Well, I don't want to ruin the
birth of any of your children,
but it's a horrible
piece of tat, innit?
Tim, what have you brought in?
I can tell you now,
you're not gonna be last.
Are you shitting me right now?
I've bought a flight to Cologne
to visit the cathedral.
Oh, my God. That is genuinely
- Why is it in Romesh's name?
- Why's it got my name on it?
I went to Cologne about four years
ago and witnessed the cathedral
and it is the most beautiful
thing I've seen.
So I've just booked a flight,
currently for Romesh.
It's a day trip. It leaves at
7:00 from Luton Airport.
- That's perfect, 'cause you get a full day there.
- Yeah, you get a full day there.
Actually, I do live nearer
Gatwick, though.
Oh, sorry. Sorry, Romesh.
- I'd like to win it.
- What happens if Roisin does win?
Oh, she'll go to Cologne.
So she'll have to disguise
herself as Romesh?
Easy, mate. I'll just rant
everywhere.
That's not the biggest
difference, by the way.
No, I've got the type of ticket where
you can change the name,
but I had to book it in
someone's name initially.
It looks weird if you book
a ticket just saying,
"Who's going? I dunno."
"Save a seat!"
"See who wins this quiz I'm in!"
OK, I'll make some
judgments, shall I?
Do you wanna do fifth place?
- It feels like you've made that decision.
- Do I need to?
- No, fine, I've got that.
- OK.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's fifth?
What's fifth? What's fifth?
Well, you'll find out in a minute.
I'm gonna read the others out.
It's second place,
it's gonna be Josh,
because I'm taking him on his
word that it's a picture of me.
If it's not, he'll answer
to me after the show.
I'm gonna give the tit-sniffing
badger cover third place.
Obviously, Roisin's awful
cardigan comes in fourth,
and the vile ornament,
fifth. Simple.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
winner of the first round,
Mr. Tim Key! Deservedly so, I think.
All of the beautiful prizes are
up there, looking beautiful.
You can have a look at
them now, if you like,
just to whet your appetite and
really get you worked up.
After the task today, the winner will
stagger up to collect their winnings
and the others will be very,
very sad. Good stuff.
Let's start the show proper.
What's the first task?
OK, the first task is
Well, let's see. Shall we see it?
- Yeah.
- OK.
A block of ice
Ice?
"Make this ice block disappear
as fast as possible."
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
Kettle. On.
Hot water is surely the best way.
There's no fire, is there?
What's "disappeared"?
It's when things-- When
you can't see them any more.
- Do you want it melted?
- It's up to you, Tim.
Obviously, you know, this is a
temperature-raising exercise.
Picked that up straight away.
Pretty straightforward.
You all have to make it disappear.
You feeling confident, Frank?
I've already thought of
three mistakes I made.
The tie?
- Who shall we see first?
- Shall we look at Frank and Josh?
Why don't we? Why don't
we clump them together.
I think melting is good
I ought to stop, though, 'cause
my instinct is just to go for it,
and I feel that cleverer people think,
"Ooh, I know a good thing to do"
There's a bath in there.
I'm gonna put it in the bath
and deal with it in there,
with water and heat.
This is actually quite
difficult, innit?
It's quite slippy.
- Could you help?
- Yeah.
- Are you able to get that end of it?
- Yep.
We'd probably better
not put it in too heavily.
I'm assuming there's hot water.
I'm just going to basically operate a
"Get as much hot water on it
as possible" manoeuvre.
It does fly.
I'm gonna try this in the oven.
Just gonna put this in the sink.
Erm
I've got boiling water in
a wok coming through.
Oven's a bit disappointing.
Need to smash this
up a bit more
Leave that in there, simmering.
Right, so that bit's going. Gone.
Just this bit here
and then we're done.
Gone, done! Stop the clock.
OK.
I've never done ice
in the oven before.
If I'd have bet on it, I'd have
thought that would go really quickly.
Hot, isn't it? You'd think.
- Look.
- Oooh.
Look at that,
just that last bit.
That's really close now.
Really close.
- I think Has it gone?
- I can still see it.
Can you still see it?
- No.
- I can't see it now.
- Thank you, Frank.
- Thanks very much.
D'you want a drink? Water?
I'm just gonna drink
straight out the oven.
Very similar.
If you look at it in isolation,
it looks like a documentary of
two men having a breakdown.
It wasn't far off.
Seventeen minutes and four
seconds melting the block.
Frank, 27 minutes and 28 seconds.
- Still under half an hour.
- Really?
How was Josh better than Frank?
- It looked like Frank was--
- He melted it quicker.
Ahhh!
- That's how this works!
- Yeah, yeah.
OK, who are we seeing next?
Very impressive start, I thought.
Yeah. Let's have a look
at Roisin. Why not?
Alex, will you help me carry
this block of ice?
You hold this and I'll
try and tip it in.
Sure. I'm ready.
Am I over it?
- Brilliant idea! Brilliant.
- Lovely. That's getting it. It's working.
Is it? Oh, my God.
Am I doing this
completely wrong?
Can you just hold that
for one second, Alex?
Got it?
Uh-huh.
Very similar.
I imagine this is what it was
like on the set of Frozen.
Alex? Could you put the kettle
on for me, please, Alex.
Can you also take this pot in and
boil me up a pot of water, please?
Basically, pressing the
hose directly on it
Hold on, I've got a
hair in my mouth.
Alex, can you come and take the
hair out of my mouth, please?
Will you take hose and thing.
Put that down, you've got to
keep this one directly on it.
- Look at it!
- Oh, that's lovely.
Maybe I've discovered a new skill.
Ice sculpture.
I like to call this one "Hope".
I think we're done, guys.
Can't see any more ice.
Congratulations,
I've stopped the clock.
First things first. You know
Frozen is a cartoon, right?
Yes.
Just checking in. I thought it was one
of your strongest performances to date.
We were a good team, weren't we?
We were, thanks Alex. Thanks, guys.
I dunno how much How fair it
is to be using Alex to that extent.
- He is your PA.
- He is my PA.
He only helped me a little bit,
he didn't help with the--
Only helped you a little bit? He
took the hair out of your mouth!
Down an octave.
It's really great bringing
the water to the ice.
No one else thought to do that.
She never broke the ice at all.
It was beautiful, but it was slow.
- What was the time, then?
- It was just over half an hour,
- 30 minutes and 20 seconds.
Ohhh, shame, because
it was otherwise
uncharacteristically competent.
Alex, before we go into the break,
could you answer me a question?
Mm-hm.
How many baked beans do
you think there are in a can?
- In a can of baked beans?
- Yes.
There is no way of knowing
that sort of thing.
There is if you're the Taskmaster.
See you after the break.
"Count the beans in the
baked bean tin."
"Your time starts now."
Four five
Three that's four 97
Four hundred and one.
There are 406 beans in
a baked bean tin.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Thanks for that, Josh.
Much appreciated.
Did no one else do that?
No.
Are you kidding?
What?!
- On with the show.
- No!
What the matter, mate?
Are you joking?
You looked like you were
having a lovely time.
We're not getting any
points for that?
That's correct.
We're getting closer to finding
out who's going home with
Frank Skinner's vacuum cleaner
cover. Alex, who's next?
Up to you. Well, it's up to me. Tim.
Tim Key.
- Can I throw it in the river?
- Is it dumping?
I don't think it's dumping because
it's a bit like water, isn't it?
I've not stopped the clock yet.
- Why?
- Not disappeared.
- What?
- It's not disappeared.
When are you stopping the clock?
When it's disappeared.
- That's What?
- I can still see it!
That's gone.
Still see it.
- I can't see it.
- I can see it.
- Stop the clock!
- But I can still see it.
What are you talking about?
It's just there. It's just
bobbing down the river.
It's all mixed--
It's part of the river!
So it's not disappeared?
It has!
But I can see it!
Where?
Just over there. I'll just
go have a little look.
Go and have a look as much as
you like, mate. Stop the clock, though.
- I can see it.
- It's gone, mate!
That's gone now!
Just seeing if I can see it.
Yeah, it's gone, I think!
I think stop the clock!
- Horne. It's gone!
- It's disappeared.
What time did you give Tim?
- Well, I couldn't see the ice
- Once it's in the river, it's gone, mate.
No, no. It hasn't.
I gave him a time of 13
minutes and 40 seconds.
That's when I could not
see the ice any more.
That's really fast.
You couldn't see it, but does
that mean it's disappeared?
I think the fish could
see it, though.
- It's still there, it's
- Get a fish in here, then.
I mean, realistically, that's gonna
be still visible for ages in that water.
Oh, shut up
Did you follow it down the river?
We didn't, but I imagine there's
someone further down the river
to whom that has just appeared.
So, it didn't disappear.
Roisin's changed its form
from ice to water.
Yours was still ice, and probably
was for at least an hour, I would argue.
Yeah, but I've changed it sort of
I've changed I've done
something to it.
No, you haven't.
I gave it 13 minutes 40,
'cause to me it disappeared,
but it's up to you.
- It had gone, it had gone.
- It still exists.
Your definition of something
disappearing is "Alex can't see it".
Oh, do you wanna see
my hand disappearing?
- Oooh!
- It's gone. It's gone.
- I've only got one hand now, thanks.
- Oh no, it's still there.
Are you a fucking child?
Sadly for you, I am a child
who's in charge of
this fucking show.
I haven't seen Romesh's attempt.
I imagine it's subtle?
No? No, no.
Cooking up a little bit of ice there.
Now I'm gonna try and smash
the shit out the rest of it.
Yeah, baby.
Haha!
I gotta be honest with you,
I feel pretty damn good.
Literally smashing this.
D'you get it? I'm done.
All over the shop.
Are you under the impression
that you made it disappear?
I mean, that footage looks bad, I-I-
Well, Romesh is right.
It looked bad and it was bad.
It was 47 minutes and 30 seconds,
and it hasn't gone. It has
not disappeared.
I really thought I'd done
well on the day, I
You really hadn't.
So the times are pretty clear.
Romesh was the slowest.
- OK.
- Then Roisin, Frank, and Josh.
And then it's up to you
what you do with Tim Key.
I can't give it to Key.
He didn't make it disappear.
- I thought he made it disappear.
- It went into a river, mate.
So, Key last.
Oh, no, come on!
What I did was an inventive way
of getting rid of this damn ice.
Key's last. I'm making a judgment.
Romesh next, and then
the other three,
it's all about the time as
far as I'm concerned.
Yeah, so Josh Widdicombe
is the winner of this task.
Josh Widdicombe is the winner,
ladies and gentlemen.
So, Josh is one step closer to taking
home the beautiful cardigan, which--
Perhaps he'll wear on
a flight to Cologne.
- Meanwhile, Alex?
- Mm-hm?
Before we go into the break,
there's something really on my mind.
How many spaghetti hoops are there
in a can of spaghetti hoops?
There's
There's no way of knowing
that sort of thing.
There's no way that anyone
would know that.
There must be a way of finding out.
See you after the break.
"Count the hoops in this tin
of spaghetti hoops."
You've done the Come on!
31, 32, 33 Four thirty-three.
I'm nothing if not thorough.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Thanks, Josh. Much appreciated.
How, in the first episode where
I'm actually winning,
do I feel the saddest I've ever felt?
Maybe you should be thinking
that the glass is half full
and that you're one of my
special little boys.
Who's on top at the moment?
Well, Josh, thankfully is in the lead.
He's on nine points, and as
you can see there, Romesh
Romesh is in the last place.
OK, what's the next task?
The next task involves the
best sport: squash.
Two squash rackets.
Hello, Alex.
Wow. Really sinister, guys.
"Get to 11 points as
fast as possible."
"Your time starts now."
"Get 11 points as fast
as possible."
"Your time starts now."
What does that mean?
What the hell does that mean?
How do you play squash?
I don't know how to play squash.
Um I've never played squash.
Oh, God.
This is the team task, obviously,
and the winning team will
get two points each,
and the losing team
will get nothing.
Roisin, Josh and Romesh,
can I just ask you
a quick question?
Do you now know how you scored
points in this exercise?
To be honest with you, my levels
of trust were quite low
before this. And then I was
just bullied in a squash court.
OK, so you still haven't worked it out.
Let's see if Frank and Tim worked out
how you score points in this exercise.
- Where do these come in?
- I don't know.
- What do we have to do?
- Get to 11 points as fast as possible.
- At squash, or at anything?
- At what?
It's the Taskmaster system, OK?
Get to 11 points
Hold on a minute! This is pointy.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, 11.
I've done it, haven't I?
Oh, no, you're still on zero.
Oh, so you can see when
there's a point!
Eat a cake. Just eat a cake, Frank.
Fucking hard to get a point.
In there
I wanna do it at least once.
What's that? One!
How did we score a point?
Maybe it's a word?
Did you say something?
It's not that, it's not the ball.
That's a red herring.
You wanker.
- We've lost points now.
- How did we lose two points?
Points. Two points.
Swearing?
Wanker.
Shit in the bucket?
What, both of us? Do we have to
Both of us.
Every time I can't see you,
we score a point No.
Maybe you just get
a point for slapstick.
I honestly believe we can do this.
Don't think we can.
Pessimism! You lose a
point for pessimism.
Everything's gonna be OK.
I feel confi--
Nodding.
I've worked out how to
lose points.
There must be another gesture.
If we touch our heads, say
- Try touching your head.
- Well, don't overdo it.
- Touching our heads?
- Yes.
Fucking idiot.
Alex, just so that the youngsters
are clear, what is the system?
It's very easy. Normal rules.
Touch your head, you get a point.
- Normal rules.
- Normal rules.
Shake your head, you lose a point.
And if you disrespect
the Taskmaster,
like putting a picture
of him in a bucket,
you lose two points.
When I got the tapped head, I
can't remember anything in my life
I've been more excited to discover.
- Oh, wasn't it fantastic?
- Oh, it was amazing.
Must've been horrible not
to work it out at all.
Yeah, it
I mean, we were trying everything.
At one point, Josh was
counting baked beans
Roisin, Josh and Romesh pretty
much tried everything else.
- Do you want to see it now?
- Let's see how the youngsters got on.
- How do you play squash?
- I don't know how to play squash.
Well, I do.
- But, presumably One point.
- What?
That's gone up to one.
How did that?
You picked up the rackets.
Give me a racket.
No.
I serve, it's got
to go in this box.
- Come on, mate!
- What the sh!
Let's just try and retrace our
steps, and see if it works.
Whoa!
- I didn't do anything.
- Roisin!
- Or was that me?
- No.
Is it when we're
all facing the same way?
Turn around.
Christ's sake. It's doing
my head in already, this.
COME ON!
Put them back. Put the racket back.
Racket!
Them!
Back!
We got two points in
that corner somehow.
Corner. Somehow. Points.
Oh no!
Pick that back up.
This is very hard,
we're gonna need you--
Whaaat? Nothing happened there.
Um
"Um"? Is it pausing?
Double one-handed!
If we haven't got a point
for that, then I don't know
What?
Is it words that we need to say?
Words!
It's questions, isn't it?
What is going on?
That counts!
A point for not having a sodding
clue what's going on, is that it?
Utter silence.
- You treat us like animals
- That's what you get!
That's our remake of
Lord of the Flies there.
Do you know, the worst
thing about that is
I know what happened, but even
watching that, I was just going,
"Touch your head."
"Just touch your head!"
How long did they take to
not work out the system?
The kids, the children, they took
11 minutes and 12 seconds.
The grown-ups, 18 minutes
and one second.
No way!
Romesh is bogling.
I mean, that is literally monkeys
in front of a typewriter, isn't it?
On paper, the team with three
achieved the task the fastest
and I'm gonna honour that
with two points each.
But I think that the grown-ups
They worked out the system,
so they should get one point each.
What are the scores, please, Alex?
Well, they are all still
on single figures,
except for the sort of
counting obsessive,
Mr. Josh Widdicombe, who
is ahead with 11 points.
Lovely. Let's find out
what the next task is.
Hey, guys.
"Fill an egg cup with as many tears
as possible. You have 20 minutes."
"Fill an" Oh dear.
Oh well.
Right, let's get my acting out.
Taskmaster gets serious. It's time for
you all to get in touch with your emotions.
- Hated it.
- I found it really difficult.
Why, mate?
I don't wanna sort of
"spoiler alert" my VT,
but I was shit at it.
Who do you think we should
see first, Alex?
Let's have a look at Josh,
the numbers guy.
Is this how to do it? Is it nose?
It's gotta be the eyes.
Certainly feels like it.
Argh! Oww!
Argh!
That's an actual tear there.
I'm really pleased with
myself for that.
Oww!
So painful.
Oh
Oh, look! There
This is genuine pain.
I mean, there's fuck-all in there.
Ooh!
I think I've dried out.
End with some dignity.
Basically 20 minutes of slamming
onions into your face, yeah?
That was so painful. Have you
ever rubbed onions on your face?
No. Weird, right?
I've got a little tip.
Don't.
It's really painful.
Really impressive. How many tears?
Well, it was painful but
not that successful.
Seven tears in 20 minutes.
That's one tear every
three minutes.
How's that not successful?
Well, it's just not very many tears.
Like, numbers-wise, seven's
one of the small
Like, ten and 11
Yeah, I know about counting, mate!
And that's why I give
you my special jobs.
Tim and Roisin.
Can you get The Full Monty up?
When they're in the post office,
and the kid draws out all of
his savings to give to
Robbie Carlyle?
When did I last cry?
I think it was a film
I watched Steel Magnolias over Christmas.
The bit where Julia Roberts dies.
Would you like to see a
little clip of Steel Magnolias?
Yeah.
Funeral scene?
Yeah, with the Sally Field speech.
Can you type in, um
E.T. audition?
I'm glad we've got a 30-second advert.
Here it is.
It's a great movie, guys.
It's got a really comic out,
that's the problem.
- Can you open up another window?
- Can you tell me what to type?
- "Powerful art"?
- Powerful art.
I'm just hoping to squeeze
something out there.
Do you want me to just
gently scroll through them?
Um, yeah.
Oh, that's powerful.
I don't know whether that
will make me cry.
I think the thing that we're all
desperate to see is "powerful art".
We've got the image here.
It's powerful
What emotional impact
did a farting bull
smashing a half-human devil
into a wall have on you?
Weirdly, confusion.
Didn't start me crying,
unfortunately.
Tim also watched E.T.,
a bit of The Full Monty
No tears. Not a single tear.
Really?
You wanna pull some nasal
hairs out, mate. That'll do it.
Yeah!
How many tears did Roisin get?
The same. Also zero tears.
Are you over Julia Roberts dying now?
Is that what happened?
Sally Field gives a
really sad speech,
but then Shirley MacLaine's character
comes in and does a real funny bit.
I hadn't cried and it was
a really funny out.
So it really brought me back up!
- Do you want to see Romesh next?
- Oh, God, yes.
What have you got there?
I've got some hot pepper sauce.
I'm gonna put a little
bit on my fingers.
And then I'm gonna rub my eye.
I've rubbed it in enough.
That's safe, innit?
Oh, shit!
Fffff
Fuck!
Oh, fuck me!
That's what I've been waiting for.
That's the money shot,
you know what I mean?
What are you doing
at the moment?
Holding my eyelids open,
trying to deal with
the chilli sauce,
and thinking about the first
five minutes of Up.
Oh, shit!
I'm gonna put a bit more
chilli sauce
Fffff
It's really intense, that.
Oh, shit!
I can't see anything but tears now.
- Good effort. Good effort.
- Good work, Rom.
That is the sort of commitment
we want on this show.
Straight in with the chilli sauce.
Hard into the eyes.
You King Leared yourself.
Lovely work.
Thank you.
How many tears?
Ten. Pretty good.
Ten tears. Ten tears.
Did you enjoy it?
No. No.
It was really horrible,
to the point where I thought,
"This might just be how my
life is gonna be now."
Let's have a look how
Frank Skinner did.
Ten to beat, right?
Ten to beat. Here is Frank.
"Fill an egg cup with as
many tears as possible."
Er, it doesn't have to be
my tears, does it?
Can I use the entire team?
So I can get other people as well.
OK.
Hello?
Hello, can I borrow you for
20 minutes maximum?
If you can all come in here,
that'd be great.
I need you to manipulate
them a little bit.
Hold it close to your
eyes, if you can.
See, I think you need to Hmm.
Hmm. It's something, isn't it?
Maybe I could sing "Old Shep".
Are you dog lovers?
When I was a boy ♪
And Old Shep was a pup ♪
Over hills and meadows we'd stray ♪
Just a boy and his dog ♪
Who were both full of fun ♪
We grew up together that way ♪
- Frank?
- Definitely one now.
Oh, brilliant! That's the
first tear so far.
Was it the onion or was it Old Shep?
Listen to this bit.
He came to my side ♪
And he looked up at me ♪
And he laid his old
head on my knee ♪
I stroked the best friend ♪
That a man ever had ♪
And I cried so I
scarcely could see ♪
Ah, there's a good one!
Ohh, no!
It's a weird thing to
hold the tears of
four or five different
men in your hand.
How are you feeling about that
chilli sauce decision now?
It's not my finest hour.
I wish I'd thought of it.
Lateral thinking.
Brilliant performance by Frank.
Smiling throughout the task.
No one broke the rules
in this task,
so it's simply on the amount
of tears collected.
Which means that Frank, with 12
tears squeezed out of us, is the winner.
In a moment, join us for the
final part of Taskmaster,
where there will be a live
task on this stage.
Oh, before we go into
the break, though
And it may not seem relevant,
but it's been on my mind
for a while, Alex
Oh yeah. What is it?
How many grains of rice are
there in a bag of rice?
Really? I don't know. I don't know
how you would know that.
There's gotta be a way I can
find out. I'm the Taskmaster.
See you after the break.
No way.
"Count the grains of rice
in this bag of rice."
"Your time starts now."
Ninety-three
Well, that's five grams.
How many grains?
Two hundred and fifty.
So, 500 is
25,000 grains.
You feel like a loser,
but then you realise
you're not the one that's having
to watch this five times.
So I don't know who's
the bigger loser,
me or you, on this one.
I love you, Joshy.
You've done well.
Do you know now?
I genuinely think I deserve a point.
It's the final part of the show,
where one of these five comedians
could still win all of that rubbish.
Alex, who looks most likely
to win at this stage?
Well, the relevant scores are that
Romesh is on nine points,
Frank Skinner on 13,
and Josh Widdicombe on 14 points.
Excellent. Well, our comedians
are now on stage.
Why are they all on stage
in a line, Alex?
They're gonna do a task.
I would like Romesh to read
out the task, please, Alex.
OK, Romesh, if you could read
this out clearly and slowly, please.
"Memorise the names of an
Australian rules football team."
"Most accurate wins."
That's right.
The contestants must
memorise the names
of all of this Australian
rules football team.
Oh, God.
It's what we call "high-pressure
socialising".
They will go past you
and shake your hands.
You've got to try to remember
all their names.
You'll then get give three,
randomly, each
that you will then introduce to
Greg Davies, who's the Taskmaster.
Is it first names or full names?
It's, uh, sort of Aussie rules names.
Oh, Australian names.
Alex, blow your whistle.
Let's get this party started.
OK, so if you could all
stand up now, please.
Oh, this is the worst
thing that's ever happened
Here we go.
What are you doing, Tim?
Cheating, as usual.
I'm not cheating! I've got a system.
- Hello, what's your name?
- Chisel.
This is Chisel.
- What's your name?
- Grilby.
This is Grilby.
- Reggie.
- This is Reggie.
- Gordo.
- This is Gordo.
Paddo. This is Paddo.
This is the Colonel.
Of course it is.
- This is Dina.
- Hello, Dina.
This is Blanket.
Blanket?
This is the Yank Tank.
- Clarence.
- This is Clarence.
Hello, Clarence.
- This is Izzy.
- Hello, Izzy.
This is Eggsy.
B-Rad. This is B-Rad.
- B-Rad, nice to meet you.
- Trev. We're ending with Trev.
So, you've met the team.
I'd like Frank to introduce his
three friends to me first.
OK, Frank. These are your three.
Please could you introduce them
as quickly as you can
to Mr. Greg Davies?
Yeah, this is, um
Bo-Bosun. Bosie.
Er, this is, er
Blanket.
And, uh, this one is, um
What was it again?
This one is, um
- Uh, Steve.
- Steve? OK.
Josh, these are your three.
Ooh Chisel.
We'll come back to you.
No, we'll stay on you.
Yank Bank?
Or or Wank Plank.
- I mean, surely
- You've already sewn this up.
If I said that, he'd respond to it.
I don't respond to the Wank Plank.
Oh, God.
It's not, but I'm gonna go with Paddo.
OK, thank you, Josh.
Very nice.
Can I meet Roisin's three friends?
Izzy.
Er
Trev.
Er, you were very fast.
So, it's a short name. Er
Moira.
Moira!
Well done, Roisin. Good work.
When I think of speed,
I think Moira.
Romesh, who are your three friends?
Well, this is just gonna be three
names that I come up with.
This is Snoop Dogg.
You're a very sexy man,
aren't you? I think
OK, so this is my mate, Trev.
This is Snoop Dogg.
And this is
Jane.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you
were trying to get rid of that figurine.
Have a seat, Romesh.
OK, Timothy. Who are your
three friends?
This is Dina.
Yeah?
Yank Tank.
And this is Mr. Naughty Boy.
So, when I blow my whistle,
if you have been named correctly,
please could you turn
and face the front?
Let's count them up.
If you could come and
join me on the floor,
we'll see how that's
affected the scores.
Well, there we are.
All of our contestants got a singularly
unimpressive one person each.
Which we will award them
one point each for.
Fair enough. Absolutely.
I really respect you.
Thanks, mate.
I can't imagine how that's
affected the final score.
But before you reveal the winner
of tonight's Taskmaster,
I should announce that I am
giving Josh Widdicombe
an extra point for being
such a good sport
during his counting activities.
Alex, will you reveal tonight's
winner, please?
Yeah. So, still, in first place There
was one winner pretty much throughout.
- It's Mr. Josh Widdicombe.
- Josh Widdicombe wins!
Congratulations, Josh. You are
the winner of tonight's Taskmaster.
How do you feel?
Elated.
That's the end of the show.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, Alex.
And once again, Josh,
congratulations.
You may now go and collect your tat.
And remember, everyone,
nothing great was ever achieved
without a personal sacrifice.
Take those words, live your lives.
Good night.
Mr. Josh Widdicombe!
Don't knock that figurine off!
Mr. Josh Widdicombe!
Can I take this off?
I'm suffocating.
So, hold on. The winner of Taskmaster
can't put a jumper on?