Ted Lasso (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1 You're hearing AFC Richmond being booed lustily by their home fans, and you have to say, not without good reason.
2-0.
We're better than that! Jamie.
Jamie.
Sorry, I didn't put that cross where you wanted it.
Ah.
Forget it, mate.
Hey, would it be too forward if I gave you some advice that might help improve your game a bit? No.
Please, anything.
What you need to do is get yourself a time machine, and go back to the moment when your mom was about to fuck a sad little man with no athletic talent.
Pull her off him, fly her to Argentina, and drop her onto Maradona's cock.
Hope that helps, mate.
Right, that's it.
I'm done with you being a prick to everyone.
Ooh.
So, either I beat up an old man, or I let an old man beat me up.
Fuck it.
Let's go.
Fucking Hey, hey, hey! Easy, easy, easy now! Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.
- No fight club! - No fight club.
Okay? You understand? For the love of Pistol Pete, y'all.
We still got a second half to play.
Now, please, sit down.
Everybody.
Gaffer saved you, old man.
Call me old one more time.
Sorry granddad.
I'll fucking kill you! Table four is done and shall from now on be known as the boring table.
But that's where I'm sitting.
Oh.
Ugh.
I haven't placed Elaine Kenner.
Awful woman.
She won't be attending tonight.
She was kicked in the face by her horse.
Oh.
That poor thing.
Is the horse okay? Mm-mm-mm.
Looks like we still got ourselves a team divided here.
Coach, you know what I'm thinkin' about right now? - West Side Story? - You know it.
Sharks and Jets.
You think these fellas could solve their problems with a dance-off at a gymnasium? Course, if memory serves, Riff and Bernardo ended up getting knifed to death at that particular event.
No, they didn't die until the rumble afterwards.
Oh, right.
Right, right, right.
When I was 15, I was understudy for Anita.
- All-boys school.
- Hmm.
We have peeled yet another juicy layer of the Nathan onion.
- Coach Beard! - Uh-oh.
For dinner tonight, it's either chicken or steak! You can't tick both! Okay! Busted.
And Ted! Uh-oh.
- Yeah! - I need to know who your plus-one is! Oh, well, that'd be, uh, Mr.
Two Entrées here.
No, he's already bringing a date! Hey, you free tonight? - Oh, I'm free every night, yeah.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna bring Nathan! - Who? Nate the Great! He's gonna be my date! And for obvious reasons, we'd love to be at table eight! No! And Beard, you're having chicken! Hey, boss.
Ooh! Pajama Friday? Wish I woulda known.
Oh, you're gonna get a kick outta this story.
- When I was 17 - Ted, let me just stop you there before you tell me a folksy anecdote about you and pajamas.
Okay.
When you change your mind, just let me know, 'cause this one is a doozy.
Sorry, was there anything you needed? 'Cause I'm really I was wondering if me, Roy and Jamie could all sit at the same table tonight.
- Is that possible? - Yes.
Great! 'Cause I got some fences I need to mend, - and I think that might do the trick.
- Ted, I just said yes.
Right.
Oh, God, that one's absolutely beautiful, but I don't think I can get away with that anymore.
Sure you could.
Fashion's all about confidence.
If I didn't have any confidence, I never would've worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.
But you don't wanna hear that story, so I ain't gonna tell it.
You know what? I'll get outta your hair.
You're probably all revved up because of the big shindig, right? No, no, no.
I'm absolutely fine.
I mean, even when Rupert and I were running the gala together, I did most of the work myself.
So, uh, I'm not revved up at all.
I'm actually, really, feeling quite mellow.
Good afternoon.
We have a huge problem.
Our musical guest, Robbie Williams, has canceled.
God! Oh, no.
Who is that? No, no, no.
That's absolutely fine.
It's not a problem.
Let me just think.
All right, here's what we're going to do, Higgins.
Tonight, when I tell everyone that Robbie has canceled, by then it won't matter because you will have found someone better.
- There ya are.
- Right.
I am a world-class problem solver.
There it is.
Oh.
You got it.
Oh.
Catch it! Yep! Ho! Look at that! You got this, Higgins! And Rebecca's grateful for all your hard work! Thank you, Ted! Mm.
No.
I hate it, babe.
It's just not me.
There's no hood, no zips.
There's no graffiti.
No graffiti.
Mad.
I look like a banker.
Not with trousers that tight around the crotch, you don't.
Fine.
I look like a banker with a great cock.
Babe, if those existed, we wouldn't be together.
Whatever.
Okay.
Look, you're gonna get more endorsements when you start embracing high fashion.
I'm just trying to help build up your brand.
Jamie, no.
What are you doing? I'm doing style.
Yeah, people don't know it, but I'm good at this fashion shit.
- Are you? - Yeah, I'm like a progeny.
Oh, yeah? Oi.
Down, boy.
Mm-hmm.
That's a good boy.
Find the treat, yeah.
Hey, hon.
Shoot, I was hoping I'd catch ya.
Uh, got your message.
Playing a little phone tag, it appears.
And you are now it.
Um Oh, hey.
Guess what.
I'm wearing the suit you told me I should bring.
You were right, as always.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, so, uh, that's it.
I love I miss ya.
And, uh, just go ahead and give the little guy a squeeze for me.
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye.
Hey.
All right, now.
Gotta love a troubadour.
Here we go.
Holy moly, look at you.
Whoo! - Hope I'm not too early.
- No.
Or too late.
I was trying to go for somewhere in between.
Yeah, no.
You threaded that needle perfectly, Nate.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah, nailed it.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Are you one of those guys that likes it if your friends tell you you got a piece of food in your teeth? Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Okay, good.
'Cause that suit does not fit at all.
- Really? - Yeah.
I was gonna buy one, but, you know, they're so expensive.
- I just thought I'd borrow my dad's.
- Oh, I hear ya.
Hey.
We'll make a little pit stop.
Come on, follow me.
Yeah.
What you lookin' at? Hmm? Hmm? You boys all right? How's my suit? All good? Yeah? This is great.
Hey, uh, thank you, guys, so much for taking my picture.
What are your names? So you're Jerry, and you're Dave.
What you all came for.
Left eyebrow.
Right eyebrow.
Confused look.
Yeah, now for the one that you'll actually use.
That's it, darling.
How about a kiss? - Romance is not dead.
- Guys, sorry, sorry.
I just - Gonna let them take a picture.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I just need to get inside.
Okay.
Rebecca, over here! - Nice, ladies.
- Rebecca, over here! - You look perfect.
- Now, look to your left.
I hate this part.
- Miss Welton.
- Lovely.
Nice.
Hey.
Just put one foot in front of the other, yeah? And then put your hand on your hip and make, like, a claw shape.
It's the most flattering.
- Rebecca, give us a smile.
- Rebecca! Aw, look at her.
She's fucking fit! Don't strut.
Let the suit do the work.
Yoo-hoo.
Ted Lasso.
My God.
Right back at ya, boss.
I had a hunch you were gonna pick this dress.
And may I say, you are wearing the heck out of it.
Thank you.
Check out Nate.
Looking pretty dapper himself, huh? Great to see you again.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
If you'll both excuse me.
Absolutely, yeah.
Go do your thing.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Look, there's Beard over there.
- That's his new gal, Jane.
- Oh.
Yeah, they met at his Friday night chess club.
Apparently, they liked each other's moves.
Oh, that wasn't a joke.
Was it not? Oh, I guess it kinda was.
No.
No.
Fuck off.
Fuck you.
No.
No.
Yeah, I know.
This is gonna be so uncomfortable.
- I'm switching tables.
- No, no, no.
Hey.
Come on back here.
This is my doing.
I parent trapped y'all.
Take a seat.
Now, listen.
You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half.
And when it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits.
I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear? So we're fixing this.
Tell me what's the biggest issue you got with each other.
Go.
He's a piece of shit.
If his brain was on fire, I wouldn't piss in his ear.
Well, hey.
You don't need to be best friends to be great teammates.
Think about Shaq and Kobe, right? Lennon and McCartney.
Heck, even Woody and Buzz got under each other's plastic.
Wasn't Woody made out of cloth? I appreciate you, Nate, but now's not the time.
You know what all those dynamic duos had in common? Mutual respect.
Y'all gotta find some common ground.
So who wants to get the ball rollin'? I do.
Nate, that's a very nice suit.
I think you look chic.
Oh, thank you.
It's actually only the second suit I've ever owned.
The first one was my suit when I was a naked baby.
Sorry, it's funny when Ted says it.
I Well, the term "birthday suit" - woulda helped you a ton there, yeah.
- Oh, God, yeah.
Come on, let's try this again, all right? Hey, Jamie.
You wanna go? Pass.
- Roy.
- He's a piece of shit.
You're gonna stick with that, huh? Okay.
Here's an idea that's gonna help a little or hurt a whole lot.
Who needs a drink? Any progress with the musical guest? I've talked to a number of agents and made a fairly extensive list of those who cannot make it.
Process of elimination.
We're on our way.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, you're working on your speech, huh? Rupert was always very good at the public speaking part.
Hey, here's a little trick of the trade.
Just make fun of yourself right off the bat, a little joke.
Folks will love that.
Okay, so, what should I make fun of myself about? Right, right, right.
Um You know You know what would be, uh No.
Okay.
You're not gonna walk into that one, are you, Ted? No, ma'am.
Nope, nope, nope.
Okay.
Good luck though.
Oh, oh, oh.
You know what? I thought of something.
No, no, no.
- Queen to rook four.
- Ooh.
Wait, are y'all playing a game without a board? Sorry to interrupt.
My fault.
Sorry.
Carry on.
Knight to king five.
Good evening, and welcome to the Tenth Annual Benefit for Underprivileged Children.
If I could hug each of you as a thank you for your kind donations, well I probably wouldn't because, as we all know, I'm not much of a hugger.
Now, I do hope you've all brought your checkbooks with you for our auction later.
Because you can all bid on our very own Richmond players.
Same rule as always, no hanky-panky unless the player signs a waiver.
Rupert? Hello, darling.
What a lovely surprise.
Oh.
Weren't you expecting me? Only 'cause you RSVP'd no.
Well, one of the perks of being a wealthy good-for-nothing.
Sometimes my nights just magically free up.
Ooh.
May I? Thank you.
Gals and gents, with your help, we raised £800,000 last year.
And this year, hopefully even more.
Well, I know I'm crashing your party, but I so badly wanna help.
My fingers and toes are crossed that you will have me.
Of course.
Uh, let's get him a seat at the boring table.
- Oh-ho! - Only joking.
Table four.
Rupert Mannion, everyone.
Thanks, doll.
Oh, my God.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that Nathe, Nathe, Nathe.
Come on.
Look, guys, this is a brand-new suit.
Rather than messing with me tonight, can you just get me two times tomorrow? Roy said we're not allowed anymore.
He fucking headbutted me.
I'm still dizzy half the time.
The doctors told me not to drink.
Ah! Shit.
Yet another reason shirts exist.
Shut up, it's not funny.
Burned my nipple.
I wish I was that ice cube.
Mm? I will be bidding for a night with you.
Oh.
Thanks, love.
Uh Yeah, it's, um, it's just a date though.
It's not a whole night.
So We'll see.
Mate, I've done these before.
If she bids over 3,000, you will have to fuck her.
- Is that true? - You don't have to go all the way.
Just, like, some of the way.
Fingering.
Fuck you.
Fuck this table.
Jamie, it was a joke.
It was a joke.
Jamie.
What happened now? Just the usual.
Jamie being a little bitch prima donna.
Roy, let me ask you something.
What were you like when you were 23? Playing in this league, making all that money.
- Little bitch prima donna.
- Yeah.
You know how they say that "youth is wasted on the young"? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.
Ted? I just came up with that.
I feel pretty good about it.
I just wanted to say thanks for talking to Colin and Isaac.
Why is your face so close to mine? Well, my initial plan was to hug you, but I just chickened out just now.
Right.
- Okay, we're done.
- Yeah.
Ted, I'd like to introduce you to Rupert Mannion.
- Mr.
Mannion, how are you? - Oh.
It's Rupert, Ted.
Especially for the man who's managing my club.
Used to be your club.
Oh, of course, of course, but it's still my club in here, love.
Love of a sports team is a lifetime obsession.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Kinda like your best friend's older sister, right? Hey, but do me a favor.
If you're ever in Kansas City and come across a fella named Tom Dineen, don't tell him I said that.
I love that.
I don't love our last two losses though.
- Horrible showing.
- Yeah.
Had to say it, wish I didn't.
It's okay.
Who knows? Maybe we'll turn it around, huh? Oh, my God.
I believe you.
Do you believe him? Night's gonna take a turn for the worse if you say no.
Of course I believe in Ted.
He's exactly what we've needed.
Not too much champagne now, dear.
Gotta stay sharp for the auction.
Why don't you do the auction? No, I couldn't.
This is your night.
We both know they'd rather see you.
And besides, it's for the children.
For the children.
Right.
If you'll excuse me, I need to speak to the other guests.
I must say, I love that dress.
Oh.
It's very youthful.
Good for you for getting back out there looking like that.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Ted.
It's been a hard year for her.
Is she okay? - Oh, yeah, she's great.
- Mm.
You know, a lot of moving pieces putting together a thing like this though.
And then she had this fella Robbie Williams cancel on her and - Robbie? - Yeah.
- Well, he's an old pal of mine.
- Mm.
I'm happy to text him.
I bet you I can get his ass over here.
I I bet she'd love it.
I'll go, uh, track her down and, uh, run it up the flagpole, huh? I'm sorry.
That's an expression from back home.
- Just means I'm gonna ask her.
- Fabulous.
Showtime.
All right, go get 'em.
Can I get something stronger, like a Jack on the rocks or something? A double and a single in one.
A triple.
Ladies and gentlemen, slight change in plans.
I have been cajoled into being your auctioneer for this evening.
And our first victim is Jamie Tartt.
Babe, you have to win me.
I can't bid on my own boyfriend.
I'll look pathetic.
Babe, it's 2020.
Women can do anything.
No, it's not happening.
Come on, you look hot.
Go up there! Look at him, folks.
Young, gorgeous, charming.
The bastard.
So, we'll start with £5,000.
I want him, Rupert.
Ooh.
Five thousand from Cheryl Barnaby.
Richmond's premier breeder of Shetland ponies.
Do we hear six? Six thousand.
Oh.
Six.
Thank you.
- Seven thousand.
- Seven thousand.
Ten thousand.
Oh! Stunning.
Uh, and that applies to the bid and the bidder.
I don't think so.
- Twelve thousand pounds.
- Fourteen thousand.
Fourteen thousand! Sixteen thousand.
Eighteen.
Eighteen thousand.
Do I hear any advance? Yeah.
Twenty-five thousand.
Twenty-five thousand! Going once.
Twice.
Sold to Keeley Jones.
Why spend the time with your boyfriend for free when you can have him for 25 grand? You owe me.
Hey.
There you are.
Getting a little fresh air, huh? Yeah.
Those rickshaw bike things are so silly, - but they do look like fun.
- Yeah.
- You ever been on one? - No, ma'am.
My wife and I once rented one of those tandem bikes on vacation a while back.
Not the best experience.
She broke her arm and I actually, uh Well, I chipped a tooth, and I bruised my perineum.
Oof.
- Hey, you okay? - Oh, it's just That man, he knows me.
I used to think his blunt honesty was noble rather than what it really is.
Which is just the cruelest way of hiding his own insecurities.
He'd say wear this, eat that.
And I listened.
But now I'm alone.
I'm alone, Ted.
Just like he said I would be if I left.
I don't want to be alone.
Hey.
It's okay.
Okay.
You wanna hop on this thing and get the heck outta Dodge? Come on.
I wish.
Not right now.
Thank you though.
Has he Has he started the auction? Yeah, yeah.
Good.
I'm glad he's done that.
We'll get much more money.
No matter what he does, they just love him.
- You wanna head back in? - No, you go ahead.
I need to freshen up.
I probably look like Robert Smith after he's woken up from a nap.
Very emotional man.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll see you inside.
When I was coming up, there was this old geezer at the club, Doug Stashwick.
He was always on me.
Hated each other.
- You wanna know how we won the league? - No.
It was the same shit Yankee Doodle was peddling.
He sat me down and he said, "Let's get it all out there.
You tell me why I'm a prick, and I'll tell you why you are".
- You're a nasty bastard - No, I'm going first.
Even though I know I should pass to you you're so selfish and arrogant.
Every time I do, it makes me want to fucking puke.
You know, I had a poster of you on my wall when I was a kid.
Used to love watching you play.
But you're not the player that you used to be, and just because you won a few trophies, you walk around here expecting everyone to kiss your ring.
Yeah, I can be like that.
Now's the bit where you admit to what I said.
I don't wanna.
Even if it is just a little bit true.
You and that Doug bloke, you ever become friends? Fuck no.
I hope he's dead.
To you dying.
Such a prick.
Howdy, partner.
So, you ask Rebecca what she thought about texting Robbie? You know what? I couldn't find her.
I say don't worry about it.
If you change your mind, say the word and sent.
He'll be right over.
Top up.
Hey, Rupert, something just occurred to me.
If you could've texted Robbie Williams asking him to come tonight you could've probably just as easily asked him not to come.
Well, now, that would've made me a real piece of shit, wouldn't it? Hey, Ted.
Uh, do you think Rebecca knows what the real Adele looks like? I need to go on a little adventure, and I need a copilot.
- And you want me? - Yeah.
Forget the rest, I need the best.
Come on, follow me.
- Thank you, by the way.
- Huh? The, um, red carpet photos are already online, and I actually look all right for once.
Oh.
Glad to help.
- Keeley? - Mm-hmm? I think you should know that the young woman that was bidding on Jamie was actually his other plus-one.
Cheeky little prick.
- Can I have a sip of your drink? - Oh, yes.
Thanks.
In anything else, I hate olives.
I think the little, like, orange clitoris thing is really freaky.
Have you ever dated a footballer? - What? - Sorry.
I shouldn't laugh.
It sounds judgy.
No, it's okay.
You are a bit judgy.
So when I was 18, I dated a footballer that was 23.
Now I'm close to 30, and I am still dating a 23-year-old footballer.
I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.
They are pretty fun though.
Simple, rich, fit.
What about accountable? What do you mean? Well, I mean, everyone makes mistakes, but I was married to a man for 12 years who never once took responsibility for any single one of them.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Keeley.
Hi, I'm Bex.
- Really nice to meet you, Bex.
- Nice to meet you.
Do you mind if I just have a minute on my own with this one? Yeah, sure.
Lovely to meet you.
She your new girlfriend? Relax, babe.
It's all part of the branding plan, innit? If I've got two women bidding on me, it makes me look more valuable.
Do you know what I mean? It's fucking smart, eh? And now, the only former Champions League winner on the menu, say hello to Roy Kent.
Granddad.
And the highest bidder gets to spend a day at a swanky hotel by the pool drinking frozen daiquiris and soaking up the rays No, we said there's no daiquiris and no rays.
Um There's not gonna be a fucking pool either.
We're not leaving SW14.
You looked so jealous.
It was so cool.
Oh, you think jealousy is cool, do you? Don't know, babe.
I don't get jealous.
Well, can we have 100 quid for what's turning out to be a very boring date? - All right.
A thousand pounds.
- Oh.
- Uh, any advances on that? - Two thousand pounds! Ooh! Cheryl's got fire inside her.
- Three thousand pounds.
- Babe, you're just embarrassing yourself.
Four thousand pounds! Five thousand! Six thousand pounds.
- Any advance on six? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, sold to Cheryl.
Whoo-hoo! That concludes the auction, apart from one small surprise.
I am personally donating £1 million to the cause.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
And that, I believe, gets Rebecca over her goal of 800,000.
Thank you.
For the children, eh? Rebecca.
This here is Cam Cole.
He's an undiscovered mega-talent.
Go on, Cam.
Show 'em what you got.
Are you insane? Hey, Rebecca.
You do not wanna judge this book by its cover right here, okay? Oh, the hell with it.
Ooh.
Yes.
Hello again.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that, uh Robbie Williams is unable to be here tonight due to an emergency.
But we have a brilliant replacement for you who you are just going to love.
Or, at least, have lots to talk about on the way home.
Uh, all the way from outside please welcome Cam something.
Oh, bollocks.
What does that mean? Mama, sweet mama nature please forgive us and what we've done Can we just forget about the game and go and have a dance? Queen to king five.
Checkmate.
We've gone and hurt our mama And her wrath has begun 'Cause I'm a good boy to my mama But I've got bad siblings - Thank you so much.
- Oh, you're so welcome.
- We really had a great time.
- Thank you so much.
Good night.
Thank you again for such an unbelievable donation.
- See you again next year.
- Can't wait.
What a charmer, huh? Indeed.
Hmm.
You may think that you're the only one that can see who he really is but you're not.
Oh, boy.
You all right, buddy? - Quick.
- All right.
Fun night.
Hey, wait, hold on.
Slow down, Coach.
Will you stop being mad at me now? Mm? I'm sorry, babe.
Do you even know what you're sorry for, Jamie? You always ask me that.
Hey, do me a favor.
Don't use me as a prop in your little fights.
Made me feel like an idiot.
I'm sorry.
I I shouldn't have done that.
Thanks.
No one was bidding on you anyway, mate.
Just fuck off.
Go on.
What are you saying sorry to him for? Being accountable matters, Jamie.
We're done.
I'll see you around.
Whatever.
Excuse me, can I take these? Two? Do you wanna go get, like, really drunk? - Yes, I do.
- Then we can go rob a bank or something.
Michelle and Henry are coming out next weekend.
- Hey, that's great, Coach.
- Yeah.
So come on, tell me about you and Jane.
What happened? I did it again.
- Put the game before the dame, huh? - Yup.
When are you gonna learn, Coach?