Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
- OMG, look at
this little munchkin.
- Oh, hey, Mrs. Band.
- This is so cute
I'm gonna barf.
- I'm trying to help my Mom
pay her electric bill.
I need $100.
- He's got a hook,
ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, you marketing genius.
Well, how much have
you made so far?
- Zilch.
You're my first customer.
- "Zilch," he says.
This kid with the lingo.
Look at you.
You're adorable,
you're hilarious,
and you've got an eye
for business.
- I rarely get this much
positive feedback.
- Well, maybe you found
your calling.
I am honored to give you
your very first dollar.
- Thank you so much.
Do you want a large or a small?
- You know what?
I don't even want the lemonade.
That's how much I believe
in you, you cutie patootie.
- This is literally
the best interaction
I've ever had with a person.
- Get used to it, hun.
You're going to the top.
- I really found my calling.
Finally nailing it.
[EDM playing]
- Tombo.
- Oh, hey, Rick, the neighbor.
- What do you got going on,
buddy?
The old lemonade stand, huh?
- Yeah.
You know, everyone seems
pretty impressed.
- Really?
Tom, do you know what the word
"patronizing" means?
- No, it doesn't sound good.
- No, it's not good.
In the real world,
you would get slaughtered.
- Slaughtered?
- They would tear you
a new a-hole.
- Mo--most people would
have been more encouraging.
- Most people are idiots, Tom.
I'm in advertising, okay?
I make a lot of money.
- Okay.
- I bang a lot of chicks.
And I've literally got Clio
Awards coming out of my butt.
Tell me, do me a favor
and just check.
- Check what?
- Whoops. Oh, what was that?
Did another Clio Award
just come out of my butt?
'Cause I've got too many.
- You carry one with you
just to make that joke?
- Tom, why don't you
come into my agency one day?
I will have my team give you
the tips on the lemonade stand
like you were a real client.
Does that sound fun?
- I mean, fun is a strong word.
I could use the help, though.
I'll ask my mom.
- Okay, great. You know what?
First, let's take a pic.
Ready?
Rick pic if you will.
- Rick pic?
- Say,
"My lemonade stand
sucked balls
until Rick swooped in
and saved the day."
- I'm not gonna say that.
[camera shutter clicks]
- I love mentoring kids.
There's--you know, there's
no better feeling in the world.
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
- Guys, tiny little Tom here
is my neighbor's kid
and I promised
that we would help him.
So let's treat him
like a real client, okay?
- Happy to have you, Tom.
Welcome.
- Jerry, please shut up.
Little Tommy, Margaret here
is our star creative director.
Mags, give Tom
your first impressions.
- Well, your table's great.
And the name is fun.
- Thank you.
- The only part I struggle with
is right here.
- The Tom part?
- You got it, the Tom part.
[buzzer blares]
You have a face that screams
"I make bad lemonade."
- Bad lemonade?
- It says,
"I'm making
an inferior product
and I don't really care."
- Thanks, Jerry. I got this.
- Sorry.
- Just to be clear,
you guys are doing this
to be nice or mean?
- Guys, flag on the play,
let me step in here.
Jerry, dim the lights
and grab me a cookie.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Tom, what is lemonade?
Don't answer, please.
Thank you.
Is it just a beverage
or is it so much more?
Maybe it's a reminder
of a simpler time.
[sentimental music]
Lightning bugs.
Putting a card in the spoke
of the wheels of your bike.
A time when neighbors
knew each other by name.
And the sound
of children's laughter
wafted through the air.
- So true.
- Damn it, Jerry, please.
Not when I'm going.
- Oh, sorry.
- Tom, you need to offer people
a window to that time.
Like a comforting voice
that says,
"It's going to be okay."
What you need is an old man.
- Yes. Love it.
- Jerry like-y that.
- Old man.
That's the whole--that's
the whole idea? You're done?
- Tom, this is what we do
for a living.
Now, normally, we would charge
$100,000 for that.
Great meeting, guys.
Really good.
- Thanks for doing this,
Grandpa.
I really appreciate
you helping out.
- Oh, thank you
for including me.
This is gonna be so much fun.
- Just be yourself,
chat people up.
Our brand is all about
the simpler times.
- It's my strong suit.
- Hey, Ms. Munoz.
- Hello. What's this?
A new employee?
- This is my adorable grandpa.
- So nice to meet you.
- Let me tell you a story.
- Okay.
- I had a lemonade stand
on this very block
back in 1960.
I charged a nickel.
- Mm.
- My slogan was,
"I like Ike,
and you will like my lemonade."
- I love it.
What a great story.
- That's folky.
That's folksy stuff
right there.
- Give me two cups.
- Wow, it's actually working.
We're up to $10.
$90 to go.
- Denise, isn't this the cutest
lemonade stand ever?
- It's so sweet.
I'm putting this on Instagram.
- I once dated
a girl named Denise.
High school sweetheart.
- Oh.
- Had a caboose on her
that wouldn't quit.
Just like you.
Ho-ho-ho.
- Did you just
touch my rear end?
- Wait, what?
- Oh, no.
I was just jabbering on
about my old sweetheart.
- Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
No, I saw it.
He grabbed her rear end
and squeezed it.
What the hell, Tom?
- He's just being folksy.
He's being folksy.
It's like--like
in the good old days.
- [scoffs]
The good old days when people
just molested each other
on the street?
- It's a compliment.
"A caboose that won't quit"
is a good thing.
- Grandpa. Stop saying caboose.
- You know what?
Don't stop.
Don't stop what you're doing.
The world is watching you,
old man, so--
- Please don't record anything.
- What's going on?
- Oh, we see you.
- Why are all these broads
recording me?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, we "broads" now.
Okay.
- All right. You know what?
We're--we're gonna close up
for the day.
All sold out,
swing on back tomorrow.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm confused.
Did he say caboose
or did he actually touch
someone's caboose?
- He said caboose,
then he--
he did a full palm grab
of a woman's rear end.
- Like a basketball?
- It looked like it.
It's on camera.
The whole thing is--
- Oh, my gosh.
- It's terrible.
- Tom, I don't think you're cut
out for the business world.
- I know. I'm shutting it down.
I wanted to help my mom,
but that's just
not gonna happen.
- Tom, don't give up so easy.
A lemonade stand
is a time-honored
childhood tradition.
- Not with me.
You gotta shut it this time.
You gotta shut your mouth.
- Tom, I know you're stressed
and I know you're on the edge
ready to jump--don't do it.
- Tom & Gramps
is all over social media.
They're calling us
two generations of molesters.
- Yes, I did see that
and it doesn't look good.
But all you need to do
is pivot.
The butt grab,
where'd that happen?
Tom & Gramps.
- Yeah.
- So change the name.
Something vague like T&G's.
- What do you mean?
You could just change the name
and keep running the business?
- Yeah, of course.
RadioShack is now "The Shack."
Kentucky Fried Chicken
is now KFC.
The mercenary group,
Blackwater is Academi.
- This is great.
- Yeah. T&G's Lemonade.
"The only thing we squeeze
are the lemons."
- Oh, my God. I love it.
- Thank you.
- Nelson, you wanna
join the company?
- Sure. But you gotta make me
a board member.
I'm not a front counter
apron-wearing type of guy.
- All right.
You're on the board.
Hey, Principal, you awake?
- Yes.
What do you mean "am I awake?"
- Some people sleep
with their eyes open.
- We wanna buy some airtime
during the morning
announcements, can we do that?
- Yeah.
Like Buick and Grey Goose.
- You know, to be honest
with you, it feels wrong,
but I do really admire
your guys' hustle.
So I'll give you 30 seconds.
That's it.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hey, gang,
it's your principal here.
The following
is a paid ad, okay?
It's frowned upon.
It's illegal.
And if you could just not say
anything to your parents,
I'll do you something good
on the other side.
- [clears throat]
Thank you and greetings.
As you may have heard,
my grandpa recently grabbed
and squeezed the rear end
of our school nurse.
- And this does not reflect
the core values of our brand.
- My grandpa has been
sidelined and I just want you
to feel comfortable
when you come on in.
No one's gonna make a lunge
for your butt.
It's just going to be
a tasty lemonade
'cause that's the way
we do it at T&G's.
- Where the only thing
we squeeze are the lemons.
- Guys, seriously?
That was impressive.
- Thank you. Well, we're
learning a lot about business.
- Maybe I'll invest in you
like that show "Shark Tank."
- Really?
- Well, I was kidding,
but I mean, why not?
I like to encourage things
like this.
And I got a lot of extra money
from those
morning announcements,
so here's 100 bucks.
- You're just giving us $100?
- Yes.
All I want is
my name on the door.
"The Principal."
- I don't know about that.
No, you know, if we had a door,
we--we'd accommodate this,
but we don't,
there's no door.
This is amazing.
I made my $100.
I can quit now
and pay my Mom's bill.
- Quit? We can't quit.
We got to use this money
to scale up.
- Scale up?
- Yeah.
Let me introduce you to
a concept they call "flipping."
- You're gonna flip
lemonade stands.
- That's right.
- Put our branding on it
and then sell it.
- And then we gonna buy
two more.
And then we're gonna
sell those two,
and then we gonna buy four.
- I actually like this plan.
- That's right.
- All right.
Let's flip lemonade stands.
[upbeat music]
- No slouching, Phil.
At T&G's, we stand tall.
Bob, tuck your shirt in.
Where you think you at,
McDonald's?
- Yeah. Tuck it in, please.
- It's so crazy how people
could be so stupid.
- Yasmine, look alive.
- Hey, that's salt.
That's not sugar, that's salt.
Don't put that in there.
- Well, yeah, his grandpa
is still alive.
It's just that he's been phased
out of the daily operations.
You know, there was just
so much groping going on.
Tushes and hands,
tushes and hands.
It was like boop, boop, boop.
- Hector, Hector.
Hey, we don't mention
the Grandpa incident.
That was in the past, okay?
Whole new company.
- Sorry, boss.
- Thank you. All right.
Back to work.
Back to work, everyone.
I can't believe we own a chain
of lemonade stands.
We've doubled our investment.
- Hey, stick with me.
You'll be paying electric bills
for complete strangers.
- Paying electric bills
for strangers?
That doesn't really
even interest me, does it?
- Tombo.
- There he is. There's Rick.
- Other guy.
How's your lemonade stand?
- Oh, we're not
selling lemonade.
We're selling
lemonade "franchises."
- It's great.
- Tom, I'm blown away,
but can I offer a tiny bit
of constructive criticism?
- Please don't criticize
my face again.
- No one's doing brick
and mortar these days, okay?
I would lose
the lemonade stands.
- That's the whole thing.
That's the whole business.
- The real money, guys,
is in "licensing" the brand.
- No, I don't know.
I'm--I don't know about that.
- Okay. My agency has
the Trader Joe's account,
and they make these deals
all the time.
I could set you up
with a pitch meeting.
- Tom, we can make money
in our sleep.
- I feel like I'm wealthy
enough, at this point.
I made my sales goal.
Plus, I'm pretty busy.
- Tom, from what I can tell,
you play whiffle ball
and you chase squirrels.
You're not a busy person.
- Oh, no, Rick, please.
Things like that, that's why
my mom calls you "The Douche."
I'm not sure about
this decision, Nelson.
I had the $100
and we spent it all
on power ties.
- Come on, Tom. You need
to spend money to make money.
When they see our power ties,
they're gonna be like,
"Whoa, these guys
mean business."
- Yeah.
But when they see my Mom--
- Excuse me, do you guys
have a suggestion box here?
Because I bought a party size
of bagel bites
and it was not enough
for a party.
- Yeah, your Mom kind of kills
the power vibe, man.
We--we're gonna need
to work around her.
Now, let's go close this deal.
Just let me do all the talking.
[laughter]
- I have to admit, guys,
this is so fun.
- Thank you.
- I mean, two friends
inspired by their grandpas?
I mean, this is
our brand DNA right here.
- I came up with the name
and the slogan,
"The only thing we squeeze
are the lemons."
- I love it. I love it.
So what does he do?
- Oh, Tom doesn't
talk in meetings.
- You know, sometimes
I say dumb things.
It kind of runs in the family.
- [laughs]
It's adorable. What a pair.
Okay. Wait.
So I wanna start back
at the beginning.
Why Trader Joe's?
- Why?
Well, it's all about
corporate synergy. See--
- We even use your lemonade
in this--in this whole thing.
- Tom, don't do it.
- I'm sorry. Come again.
- We actually--
- Tom, stop.
- Nelson, please, I got this.
Don't touch the mouth.
We use Trader Joe's lemonade
to make our--
we just pour it in
and then we--
- Hold on.
So this is our product?
- This is news to me.
- Yeah.
Why are we not laughing
anymore? What's going on?
- Why would we license our own
product back from ourselves?
- Oh, no, no.
We water it down.
- Tom.
- Oh, that's even better.
So you are selling me back a
diluted version of my product.
Is that it?
- I mean, when you phrase it
like that,
it sounds like
a bad business deal, but--
- Okay.
Well, thanks for coming in.
Feel free to show
yourselves out.
[door slams]
- Okay.
I think you were right.
I should not do the talking.
No one in my family
should ever do the talking.
♪
[laundry machines thunking]
- High heat?
Oh, please.
No, I'd rather have it
with no heat.
Why is that an option?
- Mom?
- All it does
is make me wonder,
"Should I do with no heat?"
- Mom.
- What?
- You know how to
do laundry, right?
- Pfft, I'm a mom.
I know how to do laundry.
- My pants have been
pretty tight lately.
I think maybe you're overdrying
them by, like, a good hour.
- Tom, did you ever stop
and think maybe you're
just becoming morbidly obese?
- Mom, you know I'm not obese.
- I look into your eyes
sometimes and I think,
"Is he gonna one day
have to get airlifted
out of his own bathroom?"
- Why don't we just buy me
some new pants?
At least I'll be comfortable.
- Oh, it's that easy.
We just stroll out
of the laundry shop
- Laundry shop?
- And we just go
and casually buy
a nice pair of Z. Cavariccis.
What is wrong with this thing?
Ugh!
This thing ate my quarter.
- You really shouldn't
be doing that here.
- Oh, please, buddy.
Get off my nuts.
- Girl, let's get some meat
on those bones.
How about a little extra cheese
on those cheese fries?
- Oh, so good.
You're the best, Lunch Lady.
- Aww, go on.
You go on now.
- Lunch lady!
Whoo!
Let me get
two foot-long chili dogs.
- Oh, God bless you, Nelson.
My little hungry,
hungry hippo over here.
- [chewing loudly]
- [laughs]
- Hi there.
- Mm.
- Can I just get
a small apple juice?
- A what now?
- Small apple juice, please.
I brown-bagged it,
so I don't need any food.
- You don't need
any--any cheese?
- Cheese on my apple juice?
- I can't get you a--a cookie?
- Just the juice,
no cheese or anything.
- [sighs] Can someone get this
idiot a small apple juice?
- I'm feeling my banter wasn't
as much fun as everyone else's.
I'm a hungry hippo.
- Tom, it was awfully nice
of you to stop by.
- All right.
You're the best, Lunch Lady.
- Okay. Bye-bye now.
- Oh, man.
- Nelson, keep walking.
- Hey, dudes.
- Don't look left.
- Hey, dudes, over here.
- Hey, Hector.
- Hey, sit down.
- Listen.
- Um
- Um
We--we decided to move on.
We might mix up
the table arrangement.
- Yeah, we're trying to upgrade
to a cooler table.
- Guys, this is
a major betrayal.
- Hector, please.
- We have inside jokes.
- Hector.
- We already have a table name.
You know, The Three Amigos,
Plus Randy.
- No one calls us that.
- No one call--even Randy
doesn't call--look at him.
He don't even acknowledge us.
I've never seen anybody
chew applesauce before.
- Guys.
- Hector, don't make it
so dramatic.
- No. I'm not making it
dramatic, but I will say this.
You will rue the day that you
decided to abandon Hector.
[dramatic music]
- All right, fair enough.
- I think we will
take our chances.
- And then, like,
he has the nerve
to ask me for, like,
my chocolate milk.
- Hey, Dakota.
- Whoo-whoo. What's up?
What's up?
- Oh, hi, Tom.
- Hey.
- Hi, Nelson.
Everyone, this is--this is
Tom and Nelson. I know them.
- Okay.
- We thought we'd sit.
We thought
we'd join you guys.
- Uh, you want to sit here?
- Yeah.
- With us?
- I don't feel good about this.
- That is a yes.
Oh, I'm Nelson, by the way.
I'm a, what you might call
the fun one out of the duo.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
- [laughs] Whoo!
- I feel like this banter
is really flowing.
- Can I have a word, Tom?
- Oh, hey, Lunch Lady,
not a great time, actually.
- I've been thinking about
this brown-bag thing.
Are my cooking skills not up
to your standards anymore?
- Oh, no. It's not you.
You're great.
My mom just thinks, you know,
with the kind of food
they make you serve,
that you're part
of the problem.
- Oh, I'm part of the problem,
am I?
- Her words, not mine.
- I'm part of the problem?
- Tom,
why are you being so mean?
- Mean?
- Yeah. Who even is this guy?
- I said her words, not mine.
They're not my words.
- Ugh.
- Tom, I devote my whole life
to you kids.
And this is the thanks I get?
I'm going home.
- Oh, no. Please. Please.
- Now, you have some extra
cheese and it's on the house.
- Wow.
- Like I was saying,
I'm the fun one out of the duo.
I didn't even really know
this dude.
We met on the bus.
- Wait, you said what
to the lunch lady?
- I mean, I might've said
she was part of the problem
if that--that set her off.
- You said that?
- I was just repeating
what you said.
I've heard you say
things like that.
- No, no, no. Look, I said
all that behind her back.
- Look, the woman has been
working here for 20 years.
You're a human being.
Why would you wanna tear her
a new a-hole like that?
- I didn't tear anyone
a new a-hole.
I'm not even allowed
to say a-hole.
- No, you're not.
- Right? It's a forbidden word.
- It's a forbidden word.
And you're gonna get punished
for saying it just now.
- He said it.
I was repeating what he said.
- Yeah.
Well, his mom can punish him.
- My mom's dead.
- I'm sorry, Principal.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Here's how
it's gonna go down.
You're gonna walk over
to the lunch lady's house
and you're gonna
apologize in person.
- Look at you. Great parenting.
I'm impressed.
- Oh, I'm not finished.
As a reminder
of what you've done,
you can't wash the cheese
out of your hair for a month.
- All right. Is it just me,
or is that a bit much?
- Yeah, it's a bit much.
[bus horn honks]
- Whew.
Thanks for waiting.
Thank you guys.
- Man, what's up
with the big card, Tom?
- I have to apologize
to the lunch lady,
so I made an oversized card.
- Wow. Look, you got a lot
of people to sign.
- Oh, no. Those are fake.
I signed them myself.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
You didn't sign for me.
Did you?
- Yeah. You wrote,
"Thinking of you, Lunch Lady,
during these troubled times.
Signed, Sweet Nelson."
- Come on, man!
You think I talk like that?
I'd have at least
written something funny.
- She's not even gonna read it.
- This is bad for my brand
right here.
- Hey, you didn't sign for me,
did you?
- I believe I did. Yeah.
You wrote,
"Hey, ho, Lunch Lady--"
- What?
- "You da bomb.
Signed, Crazy D."
- Crazy D?
- I wrote these quickly.
I wrote these very quickly.
- Why didn't you just ask me
to sign it myself?
- Oh, I don't have time
to be going around
asking people to sign
a greeting card.
- But you had time to forge
all of our signatures.
- Tom,
what are you doing here?
- You know, I just wanted
to say sorry, clear the air.
In retrospect, you're not part
of the problem. I am.
- Damn right.
Can I--can I come in?
- Okay, fine. Come in.
- All right.
So to show how sorry I am,
and to show what
a wonderful kid I am,
I made this oversized
greeting card.
- [gasps]
Oh, my God.
- There must be like
200 signatures on that, baby.
Look at this.
- Isn't that sweet?
- Wait.
"You're the best Lunch Lady."
"Lunch Lady, come back."
"Number one Lunch Lady."
There's literally no one in
this school know my first name?
- We all know your name.
Obviously, we just--
- What is it?
- We prefer to call you
Lunch Lady is all I'm saying,
despite knowing your name.
- What's my first name?
- Pretty sure it's either Becky
or Brenda or Barb, right?
- Becky?
- Unbelievable.
Where's my ladle?
- Calm down, girl.
- No.
- See, this kid
is pushing my buttons, no.
- It's just a--baby,
it's just a greeting card.
- All right, listen,
let's all slow down.
Obviously,
they want you back.
Why don't you say yes,
but ask for,
I don't know,
a raise or something?
both: Hm.
- Now, that is a good idea.
- Right?
- It's a great idea.
- Tell the Principal
you love Tom's card,
you wanna come back,
but here's--
here are your terms.
- I might just do that.
You know, you're a good kid.
Why--why don't you
stay for dinner?
- I'd love to.
Do you have any kind of like
whole wheat sandwiches
and bananas?
- Whole wheat?
- You know what?
Let's--let's just do dinner
some other time, okay?
- I'm proud of you, buddy.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You apologized
to the Lunch Lady.
And now, I'm gonna wash
the cheese out of your hair.
- It's a big day.
And you don't wannna do this
in the tub or the shower?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want cheese
in my drain.
- All right, just start
spraying me down, I guess.
[phone chimes]
- Hang on one sec. Hello?
- Hi, this is the Principal.
- Hi.
Oh, hi, Principal. Sorry.
- Listen. I just got a call
from our lunch lady
and she is making all type
of like crazy demands.
Something about the health
benefits and fair wages.
So I wanted to see
if you might be interested.
- In what?
- In being the new lunch lady.
- You want me to be
the lunch lady?
- Lunch lady? Oh, no.
We already have a lunch lady.
- I was very impressed
with you
the way you handled Tom
the other day.
That whole cheese thing,
I mean, that's real tough love.
- Thank you. I would love
to be the lunch lady.
I need the money.
I love bossing kids around.
This is perfect.
- Not qualified.
Not qualified.
- Do I need
a certification or what--
- No. Stop it.
You just stand there
with a ladle and a hairnet.
And as long as you're not
an ex-con, you're hired.
- For argument's sake,
let's say I'm not an ex-con.
Count me in.
- Oh, this is not good.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- What's up?
- I've been waiting for,
like, 10 minutes.
- Okay. Sorry, kid.
I mean, I just--
I just turned the oven on,
and it's, like, you expect me
to wake up at 11:00 a.m.
and get the oven going
really early or something.
It's just not gonna happen.
- What happened to the
old lunch lady? You're mean.
- When your husband runs away
to Myrtle Beach
and starts nailing a slut,
and they stay out
till 4:00 at "Da Club"
and she's grinding her butt
into his crotch,
I think you'd be mean too.
- How did you get hired here?
- Hi, kid. What?
- Here we are at the old table.
- Hey, hey.
- Sorry. Before you sit,
no room today.
- Wait, what?
- Full up.
- Whoa. Was it all small talk?
I mean, we could dial down
the Tom stuff
and dial up the Nelson stuff.
- Yeah, we can
dial down the Tom.
- Nelson, it is not you.
It's Tom's mom.
She's ruining lunch
for everyone.
- Oh, no.
She's--my mom's pretty solid.
Everyone seems to like her.
- Who? Who likes her?
- What's wrong with her,
specifically?
- She takes forever
to fulfill your order.
- Okay.
- She threw broccoli
at my face.
She could have killed me.
I could have died.
- I mean, come on.
You can't die
from broccoli wounds.
- She didn't even have the oven
on when lunch started.
- That's it?
Lazy, mean, and unprepared?
- I'm sorry, Tom.
Until you resolve this,
you can't sit with us.
- Oh, this is bad.
Look, Tom, your mom got to go.
- Go where?
- Outta here.
She's like the Fredo
of the cafeteria.
- Fredo? Who's that?
Famous lunch lady?
- [sighs]
I don't even know
why we're friends.
[bus horn honks]
- Hey, Hector, buddy.
Listen, we got a favor to ask.
- Oh, all of a sudden I'm
everybody's pal and buddy, huh?
- We're staging a coup
against my mom to get her fired
and we kind of need your help.
- Okay. Okay.
[laughs]
- Her main weakness is her
failure to wear the hairnet.
That's gonna be her downfall.
- Oh, tell me more.
- I'm gonna collect her hair--
a sample of her hair,
and then we need you
to choke on it.
- And then I'll come
and give you the Heimlich.
- Okay.
- She'll get canned, boom.
- Yeah.
- We're all heroes,
and guess what?
All three of us amigos would be
sitting at the cool table.
- Nice.
- What do you think?
What do you say?
- I like that. Yeah, I'm in.
One condition, though, guys.
I want to be
the Heimlich guy, okay?
- No.
- No. No, no.
- Absolutely not.
- You just don't look like
the kind of person that would
come in and save someone,
you look like--
- You look like
somebody that choked.
- Yeah, in a movie,
you'd be the guy
who chokes and dies
early on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not gonna die in this.
- No, that's the type.
That's the character type.
- That's your arc.
[school bell rings]
- Okay, guys, huddle up.
It's game time.
- Yes, sir.
- Here's the hair.
- Okay.
- You stuff it in your food.
When you're ready,
just work the space.
- Oh, trust me,
I'll work the space.
- Make some good sounds.
Choke it up--
- Quick--quick question, sorry.
If--if I actually choke
and die, you guys won't sit
at the cool table
without me, will you?
- It would be in poor taste,
but who knows?
- Let's cross that bridge
when we come to it.
For now, just wait
for my signal.
[tense music]
[quacking]
- Is that the signal, Tom?
- I don't know.
We didn't rehearse that.
Just start doing it.
I think that's it.
- Oops. Oops. Arghhh!
- Oh, no. Hey, hey,
Hector's choking.
I think he's choking
on my mom's hair.
- Somebody call the nurse.
- I'm choking!
[grunting]
- Guys.
Come on, pay attention here.
Our friend is--he's
literally dying.
Hector, dial it down.
No one believes it's real.
- Everybody stand back.
Hector, I'm going
to Heimlich you. Turn around.
All right. Ready?
[dramatic music]
- Oh, no. Hector.
Hector, are you dead?
- What's going on?
Why does something
always have to happen?
- Here's what we know.
Hector choked
on my mother's hair.
She failed to wear
the hairnet as instructed.
- Hang on, hang on.
Get up, Hector.
- Ah!
- Oh, wow. He's alive.
What a close call.
- Tom, is this a coup?
- Coup?
- Are you doing a coup
right now?
Are you trying to get me fired?
- What makes you even suggest
something like that?
- I guess it's mostly that
you're holding a bag that says,
"Mom's hair for the coup."
- Tom, that is a new low.
You're trying to get
your own mom fired?
- Why is everyone
looking at me?
- 'Cause you did it.
- 'Cause I did it?
'Cause I am the one
who did the whole thing?
- Who should we be looking at?
- I guess, yeah, on that level,
I don't come across
looking great.
- Who do you think you are?
- I tried to warn you guys.
- All right, guys.
Don't leave on that note.
Come on.
- Tom, listen.
You know that I love you.
- Okay.
- And as a mom,
I totally forgive you.
- Thank you.
That's a nice way to end it.
- But as a lunch lady,
I have no choice right now
but to do this.
- Oh, no.
- You're gonna thank me someday
for that.
- That was for my wife.
That's her signature move.
You really shouldn't be
ripping that off.
[tender music]
- Oh, this is actually
a nice--
nice mother-son moment.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪