That '90s Show (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Cheese festival.
Cheese festival.
Another cheese festival.
Hold up.
There's a warehouse rave in Milwaukee.
I need this. I want to go somewhere
where I don't have to hold back.
You've been holding back?
You have no idea.
I don't know.
Last time I went to a rave,
I stayed up for two days.
Turns out, if a mint is 40 bucks,
it's not a mint.
Great story.
I still want to go.
You know what I want?
Don't say Jay.
Jay.
It was so hot when he didn't kiss me
on the car the other night.
What does it mean? Where is it going?
Should I start shaving
the back of my legs?
Leia, placing all of your value
in the hands of a man
is just giving it away,
and the result of living
in an oppressive patriarchal society.
She read the "Riot Grrrl Manifesto"
and won't shut up about it.
I want to be a feminist.
In college.
But right now,
I really, really, really want a boyfriend.
You didn't kiss her?
Jay Kelso, of the Point Place Kelsos?
The horniest family in town?
I don't know what came over me.
I mean, there's one voice in my head
saying, "Honk her boob, bro."
But he's always there, so that's normal.
The weird part was there was
this other sweet voice saying, "No, bro."
"Honk her heart."
Hey, wait.
You know what this means, right?
You like her.
No Right?
No.
Yes, that's what that sweet voice means.
You're seeing her as a person.
Weird.
Leia, I'm not sure
if you're ready for Jay.
He's a player.
You just had your first kiss.
Jay's had sex in a lake.
I don't even like
to put my face in a lake.
We don't want you to end up being
some summer hookup
he dumps before school starts.
Last Labor Day was a massacre.
I've never seen so many Jennifers
crying in the same driveway.
You need to close the deal ASAP.
Just tell Leia you like her. Let's go.
I can't.
My dad always told me
to never tell a girl you like her first.
It gives them all the control
in the relationship.
That's not true.
I made the first move with Nikki,
and I am totally in the driver's seat.
That's right, babe.
Dude, she makes you wear her dad's old
doctor pager in case she needs something.
Hey, I only use it for emergencies.
- Yeah, like last night.
- And what did you need last night?
Gum.
Emergency gum.
Are you guys sure about Jay?
A guy's not just gonna
pretend to be sweet.
What would be the point of that?
We don't get paid enough.
Okay, look. If you're dead set
on dating that lake humper,
at least be smart about it.
Don't throw yourself at him.
You are a goddess. Own your power.
You're right.
I'm going to make sure
- he comes to me first.
- she comes to me first.
One, two, three, four!
Hangin' out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right! ♪
We're all all right! ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Now, I love Law & Order.
The first part is about law,
and the second part is about order.
It's very satisfying.
Yep, the title pretty much explains it.
Like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
He shrunk his kids,
and now he has to tell his wife.
I'm all caught up.
Kitty, the whole point of watching TV
is so we don't have to talk to each other.
All right, I'll hush up.
Did I tell you how adorable
Leia was the other day?
We were coming up with
celebrity pasta names.
I said Penne and Teller.
She said Marky Markaroni.
You know, I I'm more than
just a grandma to her. I'm
We are friends and hang out.
Hang out?
You know who hung out with their parents?
The Menendez brothers.
Well.
I'm not a fan of the murders.
But a big fan of the sweaters.
Look
We are not meant to be friends with kids.
They're always eating, taking
clogging things.
You turn your back for one second,
and some dumbass has put
a loaf of bread in your toilet.
Oh!
Rigatony Danza!
Rigatony Danza! Leia! Leia!
So your plan is to just oil yourself up
and wait out here
for Leia to catch a hot glimpse?
You forgot. I also brought my guitar.
Okay, too much oil.
Ugh! You're so cheesy.
She's gonna love it.
Hey, Nik. I got your page.
I called your house,
but your mom said you were here.
I need some of this on my shoulders.
Oh. 'Course, babe.
Yeah, you're in the driver's seat.
Seriously?
You look like a wet hot dog.
Thanks, Gwen.
Hey, girl.
Jay, hi.
I mean, hi, Jai. Jay. Jai.
Jai.
Jai.
I like that.
That can be your cute nickname for me.
Okay.
Not okay. Let's go.
Or you can stay here.
You know, hang with Jai.
- Could I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
Okay.
Why are you acting like Jay's pimp?
I'm trying to get him coupled up with Leia
so he'll leave me and Nate alone.
They share ice cream cones.
When Jay had mono, I got it.
I don't want her to be
another one of Jay's summer lays.
It's not like that. He actually likes her.
Then he can ask her out like a gentleman.
He won't do that.
It's not allowed in his family
or something.
Okay, well, she's not going to either,
so I guess we're done.
See, it's all about moving the fingers.
I can feel you talking in my ear.
Leia!
Sorry, I have to go.
How did that not work?
I mean, I even borrowed my dad's CK One
and put it everywhere.
You smell great!
Can I get a little of that, bro?
Get in here!
Who's paging me?
Hello.
Oh. Hi, Dr. Klein.
It's some doctor.
He thinks I'm Nikki's dad.
Hang up.
Or
Uh-huh.
Yes, I agree, that should be removed.
Okay, sweet.
Bye.
Bro.
I just doctored!
Mad respect, bro.
Doctor Bro.
- Hi.
- Good morning.
How did you get in my room?
I climbed through the window.
So what should we talk about?
Jay? Okay, sure.
I think you should go for it.
- I can't.
- Why not?
What the hell is this?
Shouldn't you be controlling
my brother's life with your body?
He's like a zombie with a boner.
So, Leia, Nate and I have
Batman Forever tickets tonight.
But I was thinking,
you and Jay could use them
and hang out in the dark
with no annoying people around.
I would love to
pass on that because I have plans tonight.
Oh, really?
Tell me more about these "plans."
Um we're going to, um
A rave in Milwaukee!
Uh, yeah.
Totally. A rave.
I thought you were
taking a break from raves
after you got stuck
in your neighbor's doggy door.
I thought it was Narnia.
It wasn't.
Okay, well, if you're all going
to this totally real rave, then so are we.
Cool. See you there.
A rave?! Why did you say that?
For purely selfish reasons.
I can't.
Raves are dangerous and illegal.
And what even is the bathroom situation?
I'm a shy pee-er.
I can barely pee at the library.
Relax. There'll be plenty of bathrooms.
That's where everyone goes
to have sex and do drugs.
What?! Forget it.
I This is way out of my comfort zone.
Besides, my grandparents
would never let me go.
Then lie.
To their sweet little faces?
I could never do that.
A movie? That sounds fun.
Yep.  Batman Forever.
- It's getting rave reviews.
- Dude.
Um, I mean, not rave reviews.
Mixed reviews.
You caught me! I lied!
I mean, I didn't lie
about going to the movies.
I lied about the rave
reviews!
We should get going.
Bye, Grandma. Bye, Grandpa.
Rave a good night!
Enjoy the movie!
They're lying.
Oh, Leia wouldn't do that to me.
She's my pasta pal.
Oh, darn it. I forgot to tell her
about Spaghetti Murphy.
Wow.
Those girls are half naked.
And it's terrible.
Why do you smell like cat pee?
To close the deal with Leia,
I put on a bunch of these pheromones
I bought from the back
of my bodybuilding magazine.
Tiger Sweat.
That's badass.
Ladies find the scent irresistible.
Ugh! The van smells like ass.
I got a terrible feeling
we didn't do something.
- Did I bring the glow sticks?
- Yeah.
Did I bring all the pacifiers?
No, I did.
What else could we be forgetting?
Ozzie!
I found this in the driveway.
Still think they're at the movies?
Well, let's
Let's not jump to conclusions.
Ozzie, sweetie,
why do you look like something
from one of my sleeping pill dreams?
He's not talking.
Yet.
Now where's my granddaughter?
I'm not saying jack squat
until I talk to my mother.
You'll never see your mother again
until you start talking.
Okay, fine.
She went to nunya.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Where's nunya?
Nunya business.
Well, Red, you kinda
You just kinda walked into that.
- How could you drive off without Ozzie?
- What? Don't blame me.
I was a little distracted
ordering a blood transfusion.
- What?
- Don't worry about it.
You were right about the bathroom.
It was crazy.
Some girl tried to hug me on the toilet.
I've had enough.
I'm gonna do the mature thing
and talk to Jay.
Hold my binky.
Hey, Jay.
Um, can we just talk to each other
instead of whatever it is we're doing?
Oh, I'm so glad you said that.
We had a nice thing going,
and now everyone got involved.
- It just got weird.
- Exactly.
How about, on the count of three,
we both just say how we feel?
Great.
One, two, three.
- I like you.
- I knew it!
- What? No, you tricked me.
- Well, it doesn't matter. You said it.
Oh my God. Everyone's right.
You You're a player.
Hey. That's an ugly stereotype
for hot guys like me
who date lots of chicks.
You know what? I did like you.
I liked that guy on the car
who was sweet and sincere.
But not this guy. This guy sucks.
Well, fine. It doesn't matter
if you're into me or not.
There's a warehouse
full of hot girls in there,
and I smell like a tiger.
A tiger's butthole!
And there are guys in there too.
We'll see who has a better night.
And you haven't seen my moves.
What happened to my arm?
It's feeling the music! That's what!
Okay. Good luck in there.
Is Jay seeing how much fun I'm having?
It's hard to tell.
He's surrounded by so many girls.
Pow.
Hi-yah!
Karate!
I need to step it up.
Are you okay?
Do you need medical help?
That guy's a doctor.
X-ray!
Which one?
All of them.
Ozzie
Honey
Obviously, you put a ton of work
into that costume.
Thank you for noticing.
I mean, the stitching on the rickrack.
Wow!
I want you to know that I see you.
And I'm proud of you.
And I am dazzled
by your little balls.
Okay, Mrs. Forman.
I'll tell you where Leia is.
See, Red?
If you trust them,
and you you treat them with respect,
they will be honest with you.
Leia's at a rave in Milwaukee.
That lying little bitch.
You've been answering
my dad's doctor pages?
I did pretty well, Nik.
I got invited to a conference in Denver.
He's coupled off.
What should I do?
Maybe stop dancing with just me.
On it.
Oh fk. I'm fking fked.
Yep.
So, to date,
the furthest I've gotten with a guy
was grinding on my grandpa at a rave.
Well, it's not nothing.
He took you home with him.
This isn't funny, Gwen.
He's gonna kill me.
I'm sorry. This kinda feels like my fault.
That's because it's all your fault.
I was trying to empower you,
but, to be honest,
I only skimmed
that whole riot grrrl thing.
But, if I had to guess
what it's all about,
you should get to do what you want
without anyone holding you back,
including me.
So, if you still want Jay,
then go get him.
After tonight, I don't know what I want.
Either way, I should probably
break up with my grandpa first.
Gwen.
Get out.
This is nunya.
Nunya business.
I'm so sorry, you guys.
But, Grandma, you should know,
I feel nothing but regrettuccine Alfredo.
Okay, that was good.
But Grandma's pissed.
I am so disappointed in you.
You took advantage of my trust, my love,
and all of my good safety pins.
- I really messed up.
- Uh-huh.
Well, you are grounded for a week.
No cable, no Nintendo.
And that Chia Pet you like so much?
I'm gonna put it in the freezer
until it dies.
Red, do you have anything to add?
No.
Just that we're glad
you're home safe, kiddo.
That's it?
Well, I've seen enough Law & Order
to know that there has to be a good cop.
So, I'm the bad cop?
Oh, I like this.
- Is this how you feel all the time?
- Oh yeah.
You are bad!
- Aw, you guys.
- Yeah, no. Go to your room.
Hey.
Hey. I heard you were grounded.
I got busted too.
That Tiger Sweat stuff
burned a hole in our carpet.
Now my mom's pissed.
Look I just wanted to apologize
for how things went.
It's okay.
We both got kinda caught up in it.
Look, I really am the guy
you thought I was.
Okay? I'm done playing games.
How about, on the count of three,
we both say how we feel about each other?
- For real this time.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
- I like you.
- I think we should just be friends.
Wait, friends?
- Yeah.
- Like Ross and Rachel?
More like Joey and Chandler.
Look, the summer's not that long.
Let's not complicate it.
So, friends?
Sure. Friends.
Friends? After he said all that?
I'm so confused.
So is he.
Now I have all the power.
It was a move.
I played the player. I Kelsoed the Kelso.
I
need you to tell me
I didn't screw it all up.
It's so manipulative and sneaky.
I love it.
Hey! I'm still mad.
Less talk, more rave.