That Damn Michael Che (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[funky bass line]
♪
- Hey, guys.
How are things going?
Come on, sit down.
- Class, we are in
for a real treat today.
Our guest speaker is not only
someone who is a student
at this very school,
but he is a very accomplished
stand-up comedian.
He's also the first
Black head writer
of "Saturday Night Live"
and the first Black anchor
of the storied "Weekend Update"
segment.
And he single-handedly saved
the HBO Max streaming service
with his wildly successful
show.
Please give a warm
School of the Arts welcome
to Michael Che!
[applause]
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- School of the Arts.
It's so great to be here.
Thank you. You're so kind.
Oh, you should clap harder.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
- It is a thrill for us
to have you, Michael.
- Hmm,
that's very interesting.
And it was the actor
Omari Hardwick instead?
- No, it was still me;
I just looked exactly
like Omari Hardwick
for some reason.
It's weird, right?
- Not necessarily.
A lot of times in dreams,
people appear as other people.
- But why Omari Hardwick?
I mean, we barely look alike.
- You look nothing alike.
- I wouldn't say nothing alike.
- I would definitely say
nothing alike.
It's two different faces
and bodies.
- Okay.
- Any more questions
for Michael Che?
- Mia.
- Hi, Mr. Che.
First of all, I'm a huge fan
of "Weekend Update."
- Oh, thank you.
You know, most people
don't like it.
- I have a two-part question.
The first part is,
do you ever feel
an added pressure as a Black
man in these current times
to use your voice
and your platform
to help empower
other Black people?
And also--
- No.
- No?
- No, I don't feel like that.
Ever.
- Oh.
Okay,
then that's my only question,
I guess.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Anybody else? Anybody?
[spacey guitar music building]
♪
[pensive bass line]
- No matter
how hard you try ♪
You can't stop me now ♪
- Having a job that a lot
of Black people
in your neighborhood
or Black people
in your background don't have,
they always wanna know more
about that job
and what are
the fucking secrets.
And there's always a reason
that you're succeeding
and other people
haven't succeeded.
And it's never
- Hard work.
- Good.
- Yeah, it's never hard work
and dedication.
It's always some foul shit
that you probably did
- Mm-hmm.
- That they're
not willing to do.
"Oh, yeah, I bet you did
get that promotion."
What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?
I almost don't wanna
tell people good news
because I don't want them
to think
I did something terrible
to get it.
[suspenseful music]
♪
I have one rose left,
but there's two of you
standing here,
which means that one of you
will be safe
and the other one
will have to die
in a blood sacrifice
for my Hollywood career.
Give me the knife.
- I can't watch this.
- Aunt Gladys,
your kisses are always wet,
and every time you hug me,
you leave makeup on my shirt.
But you always have candy
in church.
I appreciate that.
- I know my baby
loves his sweets.
- That, I do.
- Here.
Have some titty candy.
- Ah! Toblerone?
- Don't you tell your mama
I gave that to you.
- Yes, ma'am.
Uncle Dennis
you take your shoes off
at the house
and you make the whole place
smell like corn chips.
It's funky.
And then you laugh too hard
at your own jokes
before you get
to the punch line.
- Yeah. [laughs]
- I'm sorry, son,
but why is it one
of your family has to die
so's as you can be in a movie?
- That's just how it works
for Black entertainers.
- Whatever happened
to just working hard
and earning success?
- I tried that
for, like, a year.
It's impossible.
- You can tell better jokes.
- No, I can't.
- I know, why don't you just
leave show business altogether
and try something new?
- I mean, I can,
but then I'd be poor again
and have to live
with one of y'all.
[all murmuring]
- He ain't staying with me.
- Exactly, look, let me just
sacrifice one of y'all.
I'll get a sitcom,
and we'll be fine.
- I guess the family
could spare one nigga
for your dreams.
- Thank you.
- Hold on.
But I'm not even
your real aunt.
- Gladys!
- Me and your mama,
we just grew up
in the same building.
We not related.
- What?
- No, it's true.
Me and Gladys,
we just play cousins.
- Oh, well, that just made
my decision a lot easier.
- Yes!
- Oh, this is some bullshit.
- Wait.
Easier in which direction?
♪
- Wait, I'm so confused.
- See, there's this theory
in a Black community
that in order to be
really famous,
you gotta sacrifice
a family member.
- What? Is it true?
- I don't know,
I'm not really famous,
but I do know that whenever
a major Black celebrity
loses a loved one,
we assume it was
a blood sacrifice.
- That's seems
really insensitive.
- It is.
- So then why do you do it?
- I don't know, nigga,
it's fun.
[all arguing]
[cell phone ringing
and buzzing]
Hello?
Yeah, this is he.
Ah, that's great.
Of course I'd do that.
No, yeah, my family's here.
I can tell 'em right now.
This is awesome.
All right, thank you.
No, thank you.
Okay.
All right, I love you too.
Okay, bye.
- Was that Hollywood?
- Yeah.
Ma, you're not gonna
believe this,
but they're doing
another "Toy Story,"
and they want me to play
a voodoo doll.
- That's awesome!
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you!
- Hey, nephew,
you know why you always
gotta keep a broom
on your boat, right?
- No, why?
- [laughs]
'Cause that's how you--
[laughing]
- All right, hey, yeah, no,
I got it.
Look, the only problem is,
this new role,
it's gonna cost me
another family member.
- Oh?
- Yeah, and they said
it has to be
a young one this time, so
♪
Ah.
- You know, luckily, my niece
was pregnant at the time,
and so, you know,
two birds, one stone.
I ended up
voicing the character
of Coco Shando
in the short-lived
Disney+ spin-off
of "Toy Story."
- [laughs]
That's a funny story.
- It's all totally true.
- All right,
who's got another question?
- Yeah, I got a question
for you.
You ever do some gay shit
for a role?
[laughter]
- Knock it off, guys.
This is a guest.
- My brother told me
that Hollywood
only allows Black men
to succeed
if they're willing
to do something gay.
Did you do that?
- Hey, that's enough.
- No, it's--
- I am so sorry about that.
- No, it's--it's fine.
As a Black man, I get
this question all the time,
and the answer is that really,
it depends on what
you consider gay.
- Wha--
- Like, I was at a party,
and an executive put his dick
in a bowl of ice cream,
and he's like,
"You gotta lick it off
"if you wanna even get a role
in 'Fast and Furious 12:
Mo' Cars, Mo' Problems,'"
and I was like,
"Uh, absolutely not, dude."
- Well, good for you.
- "I'll eat the ice cream
after you take your dick
out of the bowl."
And he was like, "Deal."
But is that gay? No.
I mean, I know a lot
of gay friends
that would not do anything
like that.
- Man, I knew it.
- Michael Che.
[scattered applause]
- I'll read any line as Coco.
- That sounds terrible.
Did that actually happen?
- No, no, I think
they're stopping
at "Fast and Furious 10."
- No, I meant Colin Jost
eating the ice cream.
- Oh, no, that wasn't Colin.
That was me.
I just looked like Colin
for some reason.
- But I thought you looked
like Omari Hardwick.
- Yeah, but it's like you said.
You turn into other people
during your dreams.
- Yes, but dreams
do come from somewhere.
Do people think you're gay?
- I don't know.
I mean, I'm sure someone thinks
I've done something gay
to make it in show business,
but that's understandable.
- How is that understandable?
- Because everybody thinks
you gotta do something gay
to get into show business.
- Are you sure that's not just
something you think
'cause of your own
insecurities?
- Yes, I'm sure.
Wait a minute,
you think I'm homophobic?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean
you don't know?
You're my therapist.
You're supposed to know.
- Wait, what?
I thought we were role-playing.
I'm a prostitute.
- Sex worker.
Let's just say
you're an actual therapist.
- Oh, my God,
is this why you hired me,
to dress up like this
and listen to your dreams?
I thought this was sex fantasy.
- No, no, no, it is. It is.
I--I wanna have sex with you.
I'm just--I'm just, uh,
working up to it.
You know what I'm saying?
I just wanna believe that
you're my therapist,
and then
I can have sex
with my therapist, you know?
- You're being yourself.
I'm the one in character.
- I got a couple more dreams,
we'll talk about my childhood,
and then into sex.
When you hear motherfuckers
talk about "Hollywood parties,"
it's always, "Yeah, they have
'gay Hollywood parties,'"
and then you go on and listen
to what they're talking about,
and it's like,
"Yeah, I walked in the room,
and I saw two niggas kissing."
I'm like,
"Yeah, man, that's--
that's probably just a couple."
- Yeah.
[laughter]
- "It wasn't a gay party.
You just saw two gay guys
at a party."
But that's what people think.
That would be enough to justify
every insecurity
they've ever had
about what goes on
"in Hollywood."
[thrilling music]
[timer beeping and ticking]
- Damn it!
The sick bastard
left us here to die.
- What are we gonna do?
- There's nothing we can do!
- Guys, it's gonna be fine.
Atomic Twan knows we're here.
He'll save us!
- Atomic Twan?
- While searching
for a well-lit place
to make his TikToks,
Twan, the inept night-shift
security guard,
accidentally trapped himself
in an atomic force generator,
where he obtained
superhuman powers!
Then he became
- Ah, fuck.
- Not that guy.
- What do you mean?
♪
There he is!
- Uh-uh!
Y'all ain't supposed
to be in here.
We are closed.
- There's a bomb!
You have to untie us!
- First of all, calm down.
'Cause what y'all not gonna do
is yell at me.
I ain't even supposed to be
working today.
- See what I'm saying?
This dude sucks.
- We're not yelling at you,
Twan.
- Time-out.
Who told y'all to bring a bomb
in here in the first place?
This is a bank.
- We didn't bring the bomb.
- Well, I didn't do it,
if that's what
you're trying to say.
- Jesus Christ, can you just
untie us?
- I guess I could do that.
- I knew you could do it!
- Ah-ah!
I didn't say I could do it.
I said I would try.
- You just said--
- Don't argue.
♪
[timer beeping and ticking]
- Oh, my God.
There's ticking.
What is the ticking?
There's a lot of ticking
up in this bitch.
Sounds like a bomb's going off
or something.
- 'Cause it is a bomb!
- Oh, shoot.
This thing says it's about
to blow up right now.
- [groans]
- Oh, my God.
- I'm about to turn
this thing off
'cause this ticking
is driving me cuckoo bananas.
- Thank you, finally.
- What's your password?
- Our what?
- Your password for this little
bomb thingy
so I can turn it off!
- It's not our bomb!
- Well, it's not mines!
- Can't you just
use your superpowers
to untie us and fly us
out of here?
- Fly you where?
- Anywhere.
- Uh-uh!
I ain't gonna be flying
y'all all over the place
like Boo Boo the Fool.
Tell me exactly how far
y'all trying to go first.
- Literally anywhere, man!
- Pick a place!
[tense music]
- Florence!
- Yes, Mr. Michael?
You call me?
- Yeah, I want you
to settle a bet
for my white friend here.
How do you think I made it
in show business?
- Well, I'm not sure,
but I bet through hard work
and determination.
- No, no, no, no.
No sucking up. Just be honest.
How do you really think
I made it in show business?
- Well
- You think I did
some gay shit, don't you?
- No!
- See? Nobody thinks that.
- Well, I didn't say
nobody thinks that.
I definitely heard that before.
- See?
- Really?
- But I don't believe it.
I think that
you're just a coon.
- A coon? What?
- Well, you told me
to be honest.
- What's a coon?
- It's a Black person
that'll do anything
to please white people
in order to make it.
You know, like a sellout.
- So according to you,
Black people won't make it
unless they do something gay
or sell out?
- Or sacrifice a family member
in a blood sacrifice.
But that's not according to me.
That's just what people say.
- What people?
- Black people!
- Why?
- Because it's fun.
You telling me white people
don't do that?
You guys don't tear down
your celebrities?
- No. I definitely don't.
- So you think
every white celebrity
just made it because of talent
and hard work?
- Yes.
- All right.
I guess we just think
it's hard to believe
that a Black person
could make it in this country
without having to compromise
in some way,
whether it's as crazy
as killing a family member
or doing some gay shit
or being a coon.
- Maybe that's why you were
Colin Jost in the dream.
- What do you mean?
- Because you're afraid
that's how Black people
see you.
- As a Black Colin Jost?
Because we're both handsome
and graduated from Harvard!
- No, that's not
what I mean at all.
What I mean is,
maybe you're afraid
Black people see you as white.
- What? That's stupid.
And you call yourself
a therapist.
- I'm a prostitute,
and you said earlier
when the girl asked
if you felt pressure
to help Black people
with your platform,
you said no.
- But that's not even true;
I use my platform
to help Black people
all the time.
- Do you? Mm-hmm.
- The fuck is that
supposed to mean, Florence?
- Maybe we all do what we can,
but some of us need to stand up
a little bit more.
That's all I'm saying.
- Goddamn, Florence.
Black people are the most
liberal people I know,
but they're also the most
conservative people I know,
where they're willing
to stand up for injustice
as long as it ain't
something they don't tolerate.
[laughter]
[crowd cheering]
- Welcome to the
Washington Wonders Arena.
- I know we've been receiving
a lot of backlash
for kneeling during
the national anthem
[crowd booing]
But I say we continue
to use our platform
and kneel until we see
significant change
in this country, huh?
- Yeah, that's right!
- In a world plagued
by injustice
- Injustice for one
is injustice for all,
right, fellas?
[all shouting]
- Comes the story of one man
willing to stand
for what's right
in the face of adversity.
- We will not stop kneeling
until there is equality
for Black trans women
in this country!
- For who?
- He was
- Black trans women
have it harder than anybody,
and we, as Black men in power,
have to use our platform
to protect them!
- Man, I don't know about that.
- "The New York Times"
called it
"a movie."
"Variety" magazine says,
"Nope."
And "The Shade Room"
is calling it
"woooooooooow."
- An injustice for one
is an injustice for all,
remember?
[all murmuring]
- I guess, yeah.
- An original
heartwarming anthem
by Grammy and Oscar
Award-winning
recording artists John Legend
and Common
would've been nice,
but they were unresponsive.
- Wait a minute!
Captain's right.
Trans women
should be protected.
- Thank you!
- Plus, some of them
looking a'ight too.
- Maybe don't help me.
- Don't you wanna be the face
of the Black trans movement?
[heartfelt music]
- Look at this picture
right here.
Now, y'all going to tell me
this nigga ain't thick?
- Can I tell you something?
This is actually really fun.
Like, I get why people
go to therapy now.
- Hey, man, I don't mind
talking to you as friend--
I mean, you seem okay--
but if you want to talk
to real therapist,
I can recommend people.
- Nah.
Therapy's not for me.
That's for crazy people.
- It absolutely is for you.
- I can't see myself
just paying a complete stranger
to listen to all my problems.
- That's exactly
what you're doing right now
with a prostitute.
- Sex worker.
But this is different.
I'm only paying
for the sex part.
The talking is actually fun.
- This isn't fun.
This is actually
kind of depressing,
and I get paid
to do fucked-up stuff.
- Oh, come on.
- But this is first time
I feel sad for client.
- Aw.
- No.
- Thank you.
[gentle music]
♪
- How you doing, son?
Can I rap with you for a sec?
- Sure.
- Your mama told me
you're going into showbiz.
Said you landed a gig
and everything.
- Yep.
- That's good.
That's real good.
So look, when you get out
to Hollywood,
you're gonna meet a lot
of different types
of people out there.
- Dad.
- And some of them may ask you
to do some things you may not
be comfortable with.
- I'm not gonna do
anything gay, Dad.
- Good. Good.
That's--that's good.
All right, well, I guess
I'll see you around, then.
- Hey, Dad, wait.
- What is it, son?
- What if I don't make it?
What if I'm not good enough?
- Whoo, you sound
just like me.
- You did comedy?
- No, no. Close.
I did porno.
- What?
- They were laying off folks
down at the car wash.
Mr. Gibson, the owner,
invited me and a couple fellas
up to the office,
said he liked our look.
Took our shirts off,
threw some oil on,
did some muscle man poses,
they snapped some Polaroids.
Him and his wife said
they was doing a website.
- What, a website?
So this was recently?
- No, no, this was years ago.
About three years.
But look, man, the reason
why I didn't say anything
is because as crazy
as it sounds,
I was embarrassed by it.
- Yeah, you should
be embarrassed!
- Yeah, that's true.
- I can't believe you did that.
- Mm-hmm.
That's me right there.
- Oh, come on, man!
- I'm the one in the mask.
- Yeah, yes, I see.
Dad, you're a porn star!
- Sex worker.
The point is this.
You're always gonna have doubts
when you're embarking
on something new.
"Am I good enough for this?
Am I worthy of success?
Is it weird that there are
no cameras at this shoot?"
But you can't let
none of that stop you
from following your dreams.
As long as you be true
to yourself,
you're gonna be all right.
- I guess.
- Hey, and if that cat
Lorne Michaels
need any adult talent--
- Dad.
- Okay, all right.
I'm just saying.
You know, you miss 100%
of the shots you don't take.
- I'll ask him, Dad.
- All right.
♪
[funky music]
♪
- Hey, Florence.
Where'd that lady go?
- She left!
After you started crying
and fell asleep, remember?
- Yeah, I guess.
Would you make me
some coffee, please?
- Uh, sure. I guess.
You realize I'm not
actually a maid, right?
I'm a prostitute.
- Sex worker.
- Whatever.
Do you still want
to have sex or what?
I mean, you only got
about 15 minutes left.
- I wanna have sex, okay?
I just want you
to bring me coffee first
so I can get into this whole
"having sex with a maid" thing.
- All right, man,
it's your $200.
- Thank you.
- You Hollywood niggas
are really weird.
♪
[funky music]
- If I had a superhero power
ah, man, I'd probably--
it'd be sad.
It'd probably be, like,
Alcoholic Man.
I don't know.
[laughter]
I got bit by a radioactive
tequila worm.
That's great. [chuckling]
And became Alcoholic Man.
♪