The Awesomes (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

Please, we should just talk about this.
You can't just march out of headquarters.
Our decision is final.
We are taking our son off the team.
Tim will no longer be an Awesome.
- But why? - Your schoolwork is slipping.
You get A minus on trigonometry quiz? Did you study at all? Oh, you Orientals are strict.
Hey.
What? It's not like I called them cat eaters.
Hey! - Oh, they eat cats and I'm the monster? - For what it's worth, she's not actually racist for her age.
- I'm pretty sure she is.
- Shh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're seriously making me quit the team because of grades? It's not your grades.
We just don't think you're safe.
If I could just get some clarification, why did you think he'd be safe on The Awesomes? We're a superhero team.
We battle super villains.
Well, no offense, but after Mr.
Awesome left, we did not think the team would deal with actual problems.
We thought you'd deal with things like parking violations or noise complaints.
Tim has superpowers.
He should learn how to use them.
So, we were looking for a low level team for him to practice on.
What is it called when small children play baseball but with ball on tee? - Tee ball? - Yes.
Tee ball.
We thought that the Awesomes were the tee ball of superhero teams.
But, I'm not in danger.
I'm good at this.
Tim's right.
As Sumo, he's nearly indestructible.
And he's an amazing asset.
We need him.
He is an Awesome.
He sure is.
And dude, you need to know this; your mom is hot.
I am sorry, but no.
He is leaving the team.
We were wrong.
It is too dangerous.
Nobody hides from the IT department.
Everyone fan out.
Don't let them This is surprising.
- Did you know they could do - No.
- So this is a total surprise.
- Yes.
- Your mom? Even hotter.
- Shut up.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome What the [bleep.]
is going on? Timothy! Language.
No, he's got a point.
What the [bleep.]
is going on? Nothing.
You were being attacked so Adrenaline kicked in.
Yes.
A simple matter of adrenaline rush.
People do amazing things.
You know, soccer mom bench pressing SUV to save their children.
You hear about it all the time.
I'm just 11 years old.
I have a superhero hormonal-rage disorder, and I'm allergic to peanuts, but I am not stupid.
You two just took out an entire squad of super villains by yourselves.
Which seems like a lot for a real estate agent and a CPA.
Okay, the truth.
We used to be operatives.
Super-powered, independent operatives.
You mean mercenaries? Guns for hire? Jesus.
He's allergic to peanuts! Wait.
You were criminals? - What do you, no.
- Criminals? - No.
We would never - I mean, come on.
But actually, yeah, in the strictest sense, yeah, we were criminals.
- But not a lot - Well Well, actually a whole lot.
But we never hurt anybody.
- Well - Okay, yes, we did hurt a lot of people.
- Bad people.
- Yes, mostly bad people.
And some people who, you know, just got in the way.
I guess you'd call them innocent bystanders.
- Yes.
You'd call them that.
- Hang on, where are your accents? You don't even sound Japanese anymore.
- We are Japanese.
- Well, technically, I'm Korean.
- Right, your mom's Korean.
- I'm Japanese.
But, like, third generation Los Angeles Japanese.
I'm from Ohio.
I went to the Ohio State University.
Prock, should we arrest them, or something? - For what? Lying to their son? - My momma never lies to me.
She tells me that I'm God's most beautiful - creation and she is right.
- My parents told me that when I was in my momma's belly, I ate my twin.
- They'd tell me that a lot.
- Who are you? - We're your mom and dad.
- But before that I was a specialist.
Paid for my expertise in acquiring hard to find items.
But the thing was your father was a specialist too.
We were both pursuing the same target.
And both equally matched.
Matched in every way.
Ew.
Nah, nah.
It's just getting good.
We decided to join forces.
We became a team.
We were code named Dine and Dash.
We lived fast.
We stole big.
Ripping off the very criminals we used to work for.
- The Zookeeper.
- Where's my monkeys? Bad Washington and the Minute Men.
I cannot tell a lie.
This really cheeses me off.
And the IT department.
- The hard drives are gone! - Dine and Dash! But it seemed that fate had other plans for us.
Your mother was pregnant.
Tim, the day we found out your mother was pregnant with you was the happiest in our lives.
We wanted to make a home for you, a world for you, so we left everything we were behind.
We created new identities, and assumed new lives.
- We gave it all up for you.
- It's very romantic.
Oh yeah.
I mean, like how a pair of people working together can fall in love.
You know, people who might be on a team together.
Like a superhero team.
- Sorry? - Oh, look! Tim's mom's gonna say something.
But our past caught up with us.
We made a lot of enemies.
And they were close to finding us.
So, we thought it'd be better if you were away from us.
We considered a private school, but with your powers, The Awesomes seemed like the better choice.
But now our enemies have found us, Tim, so we have to run.
- All of us.
- But where are we gonna go? I don't know, but it's going to be much harder to hide this time.
But we'll be together because we are a family.
We're going to help you.
Well, well, well.
Would you look at that? Ten more minutes and we are looking at a perfect sous vide duck confit.
Dr.
Malocchio, sir? The IT department has attacked.
The Awesomes are aiding Dine and Dash.
Wonderful.
My scheme is working perfectly.
So, is that dinner then? Or If you have something to say, say it.
It's just some of the boys were wondering if we could maybe order out for some pizza? It's not that you're cooking isn't great.
It is.
It's just, you know, we're minions.
Mmm.
Boy.
Slow cooked duck.
If only all minds were so easy to control.
For instance, your mind, Professor Doctor Prock.
But no matter.
I shall simply create this immense chess game to attain my goal.
Because a good ruse is not unlike this pomegranate, poached pear and Mache salad.
Oh, the bread's ready.
If you guys are going to start new lives, you'll need much better new identities.
And for that, you'll need some experts.
You'll need U.
M.
B.
R.
E.
L.
L.
A.
- Who's umbrella? - Not who, what.
Umbrella is a highly secretive, global counterespionage organization.
They have no government affiliation.
- Why are they called Umbrella? - It's an acronym.
Ultimate Military But Really Extremely Low Level Acknowledgement.
It sounds like they were trying really hard to make an acronym for umbrella.
And umbrellas aren't even cool.
Why not do dragon? It's harder coming up with acronyms than you guys think.
Dragon.
Defense Relocation Action Group Of Nation.
- First time's a charm.
- Charm.
Clandestine Housing Association Resident Management.
They're Umbrella.
That's their name.
Deal with it.
I don't know.
Do you think they'd help us? They've had a long history with The Awesomes.
If we can find them, they'll help.
- If we can find them? - Yeah.
They're crazy secretive.
To find them, we're gonna have to get our hands dirty.
We're here.
And you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than in the suburbs.
Get out.
Come on, Vinder, don't be like that.
Get out or buy something.
I just had a rock band sell me all their crap.
I'm up to my [bleep.]
-in snare drums and German pornography.
- Dibs on the German pornography.
- Snare drums.
Vinder, we know who you are.
You fought along side The Awesomes for 20 years.
Nope, not me.
You're confused.
We need your help.
And you're gonna have to live with that disappointment.
Hey! Yeah, we just want some answers.
Bad enough that you nancies are gonna get me whacked, but you gotta mess up my merch? We know that Umbrella set you up in hero protection after you blinded Captain Werewolf.
He scared me and I sprayed ink.
I'm an octopus, it's what I do.
- We need to contact Umbrella.
- Yeah, what's in it for me? Hey, we're trying to help someone.
I thought you used to be a hero.
Does this look like where a hero hangs out? - What's in for me? - What do you want? I need a bilateral fusion transponder.
An old one.
I'm rebuilding a spaceship.
- What do you need a spaceship for? - Because I got places to go.
Okay.
Where would we get a bilateral fusion transponder? I know Vinder sent you here.
I divined it.
Latonna is a pre-cog.
So, Latonna, do you have a bilateral fusion transponder? No.
I got one.
I got three.
But if you want it, I gotta ask, what's in it for me? So, now we gotta get the giant head lady something, so she'll give us the thing for the giant [bleep.]
-octopus guy? Who will then tell us where to find Umbrella.
Look, I appreciate all this, but I think it may be safer if we just go.
Yes, the longer we stay out here, the better the chances that our enemies will catch up with us.
Hey, I know this is taking longer than anticipated, but it will be worth it.
And by the way, right now, you're plenty safe with us.
I told Frantic to do recon.
I've been doin' reckon ever since.
I reckon when this is over we should have catfish, I reckon we're in for a cold snap, and I reckon I should get some new headshots done 'cause I'm about to be famous.
Wait, so you haven't been doing recon? I have not because I do not know what that means.
Oh, boy.
On the upside, I still have plenty of German porn.
Hey, Awesomes! Think you downloaded some corrupted files! - Look out! - Dad? - I've gotta get back to the team.
- No.
Your mom's right.
You're staying right here.
- But they need me.
- You're staying right here! We gotta take that thing down.
- Muscleman! - I'm on it! - Wait, don't just run at - Hey there, big fella.
You might be a little out of step.
You get it? Aw, crap.
Dammit, gang, I need you to listen - Come on! - Wait.
Prock, I'm gonna break the glass with my car keys.
I think it's kind of working.
Just another few minutes.
Oh, yeah, that's right! Feel that, metal man? Momma's gonna knock you out! That's That's not bad.
Gadget Gal, go for the eyes.
I think out tin-butted pal may be in the mood for some eye-talian.
We're blinded! Tech support! We need tech support! We are tech support! Yeah, here come the pain! - Nice! - Yeah! Get him, Impresario's magic ghost mom! Ali, boom-ba-yay! Ali, boom-ba-yay! Hotwire, light him up! Nice! Hotwire! Now that's teamwork.
- What are you doing? - You could've gotten hurt.
The team needed me.
We should really get going.
We don't know how long until the rest of the IT department catches up with us again.
Just a sec, I need to update my Twitter about the fight.
You can do that while we're en route to - What did you say? - Twitter, baby.
I've been keeping our fans up to date on our adventures.
I've got pics from the fight this morning.
I posted a couple of choice remarks.
Hashtag.
How awesome is Frantic in the Awesomes! Hey, I just got three more followers.
- That makes 11, double digits, y'all.
- You tweeted everything? This could be a problem.
Yup, everybody run away.
Ramando Yamagata here.
On the scene with the so-called super-team.
The Awesomes were engaged in a costly, dangerous, and shocking battle.
But even more disturbing is their current mission.
They were scuffing it up with some alleged "super villains.
" Do you see the damage they did to this man's forest? Well, they weren't my trees.
But I sure did like looking at them.
We all sure did like looking at them.
Aw, buddy.
But worse, it would seem that the Awesome are now collaborating with a criminal mercenary duo named Dine and Dash.
These "heroes" can't even seem to pick a side.
- I'll be taking care of it.
- It's Perfect Man! I have no idea what the Awesomes are up to.
Or what you Dr.
Malocchio were trying to pull.
But I don't need ideas.
I never have.
Well, well, well, well Perfect Man, it is so good to see you again.
- Might I say you are looking perfect.
- Yeah, I know.
Perfect Man, it is my greatest hope that you will see the error of your superhero ways and I agree to participate in my "Operation Safe.
" My program where hero and villain alike consent to have their powers removed.
No powers.
Then no heroes or villains and our trees will never experience a naked horror like this ever again.
I don't know what your scheme is, but I'm this far away from locking you up.
I do stuff like that.
Oh, I do stuff too.
Did you just hypnotize me? - Yup.
- Oh.
Oh, great.
Let your girlfriend and the Awesomes continue on this mission and all of their future missions.
I need my chess game to continue.
- You stay away from them.
- I understand.
Yes, we need the Orb of Boran.
We were told you had one.
Oh, yeah, I've got one.
I've got three.
But the question is, what's in it for me? And me.
You never think about me.
It's always you and your needs, you prat.
I can get you that.
But I need an anti-gravity cow.
You can have the cow, but all I want is a 10 minute conversation with my ex-wife.
- I want my old costume back.
- Ugh, she can have that old thing.
Truth is, it's tired, but if she wants it - Great, we'll take it.
- I'm not just gonna hand over her old costume, dear.
I have Needs, desires, yeah, um, what do you want for it? I want to design all the uniforms for The Invisible Hand of the Floating Glove.
Aw, crap.
Who are The Invisible Hand of the Floating Glove? They're kind of a secret society.
Kind of? They're like the only group that's harder to - find than U.
M.
B.
R.
E.
L.
L.
A.
- Yeah, they're supposed to be this uber-mystical super duper martial arts group.
Like Jedi, but without all the merchandising.
I don't know anyone who knows anything about how to find them.
- We do.
- We were trained by them.
We are former members of The Invisible Hand of the Floating Glove.
But we left and you're not really allowed to leave.
- To put it simply - They're way teed off with us.
I'm sorry, but I don't think they'll ever help us.
Guys, it's been a really long, long time.
And you've changed.
You have a kid now.
Of course they'll forgive you.
For your betrayal, for your defiance, I sentence you and your cohorts to death! - Ooh, got a little high on that one.
- That's my bad.
- On the bright side - Don't say German porn.
Well, then the glass is half empty.
Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Any idea how we're gonna get out of this? It's so hard to think with everyone chanting, "Death.
" - It's very rude.
- We're doomed.
No, Prock will think of something.
- He always thinks of something.
- Stop.
Okay, oh God, you got us here, Prock.
You walked the whole team and Sumo's parents all over the planet, and now you brought them here to die.
Hotwire is pretty.
There's just no questioning that.
So it's decided.
I'm in love with a very beautiful woman.
Start.
- Hi.
- What's the plan.
- Plan? Oh, plan! - No one insults the ancient society that is The Invisible Hand of the Floating Glove! Huh, I did again.
That's it.
All ancient societies operate on honor codes.
Oh, wait.
Judgment by combat.
Yes! Great leader, we request, judgment by combat.
Very well, a champion of your choosing will do battle with a champion of our choosing.
Victory will grant you freedom.
Huh, too much the other way.
- We will fight for our freedom.
- No! I'm afraid not.
By the ancient rules, a champion must stand and fight on your behalf.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah, he'll do it.
No, you want your most powerful for this shizz.
That means me.
I'm not called Muscleman just 'cause I'm a man.
- I'm also strong.
- No.
You're not the most powerful.
I am.
- You can't Tim, it's dangerous.
- No.
No, you're not.
- I will fight for my parents' freedom.
- I know it's not my place, but are you really gonna let a kid do this? Well, you know, he's their kid.
And having him fight for them has this whole ironic symmetry that I kind of dig.
Please, Tim, we can still stop this.
It's too dangerous.
The only thing around here that's dangerous is me! Unleash the champion! Shut the [bleep.]
up! Tim! I'm loathe to use the N-word but Don't.
- I hate ninjas.
- Oh.
It's going to kill him.
Why did we ever let him go with you? Huh? What is he doing? He's too big a target as Sumo.
And he's quicker as Tim.
He's tiring him out.
Oh, he's doing the old rope-a-dope! Nice! Ali, boom-ba-yay! Ali, boom-ba-yay! That's it, kid.
You got him where you want him.
Hey, big boy! Ooh! Right in the peach pits.
Have him call me.
We can definitely use new uniforms.
- These are so last century.
- Awesome.
Thanks.
Thank you, baby.
Oh, I love it.
And this is for Vinder.
Bilateral fusion transponder.
- Thank you.
- One thing, Prock.
I had a vision about the Awesomes.
One of you is going to betray the team.
No one would ever Who? Who's gonna betray us? That's not clear.
But watch yourself.
We're U.
M.
B.
R.
E.
L.
L.
A.
They only have umbrellas to justify the name.
- Sad.
- Dine and Dash plus one.
That's us.
We can't thank you enough.
I wish there was something we can do to work it out so he could stay, but he just can't.
It's okay.
Just be safe.
- Time to go.
- I don't wanna go.
- What? - Tim, we're not leaving you behind.
- We're a family.
- They're my team and our family needs someone to be a hero.
We need to give something back.
I can do that.
- I can be that hero.
- You already are.
- We'll see you again.
- I love you.
You can change your routers, but we can still find you! We are The IT department! Uh, you know, you people are nerds, right? Fire back! See if you can take them out quick! - What happened back there? - Well, it looks like someone got lost! Welcome to our world! - This is bad news.
- Why? - Your German pornography can't help us? - No.
I left it in the car.
Glad you decided to stay with the team, little buddy.
Thanks, me too.
Let's celebrate with some Jack Link's Jerky.
We got original, turkey, teriyaki His name is Tim, not Teriyaki.
That is racist.
- It's the name of the flavor.
- Oh, sorry.
- Actually, my real name is Teriyaki.
- God, I knew it.
- For real? - Of course not, no one would name their kid Teriyaki.
You guys really are racist.
- It is a good flavor.
- It is, Teriyaki.
It definitely is.
How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance