The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
♪
Once I finish tracking
Brendar the Barbarian,
she will regret
ever having met Skelly, me,
general of the Undead Army.
Now, which way did she go?
- [giggles]
- [gasps]
- Hello, friend.
- How do you do?
Hello, disturbing forest
critters wearing tiny overalls.
You must be ever so cold
without any skin.
What brings you to the forest?
I seek the barbarian
known as Brendar.
I am on a revenge quest.
[together]
Quests are tee-tiddly-riffic!
- Can we come along?
- No, like I said, it's a revenge quest.
There's going to be a lot of
mayhem and gratuitous violence.
We don't mind violence.
Well, you can't.
It'll ruin my whole look.
- Both: Aww.
- We're sad now.
Well, I can't help you
with that.
And you should be sad, too,
because you don't know how
to find Brendar the Barbarian.
- But we do.
- Where is she?
She's in a witch's castle,
and only we know the way!
[both giggle]
Where is this castle?
Tell me!
- Only if you let us join your quest.
- Ohh, fine!
Hey, everyone!
We're going on a revenge quest!
- [all cheering]
- What? Ah!
Oh, brother.
[dramatic music]
Okay. Here we go.
I know I can do this.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
And zap!
D'oh.
Zap!
Zap!
[bird squawking]
Direct hit. Nice.
- I was going for the bottles.
- Oh.
Couldn't hit the ground
if I was aiming for it.
How am I going to face Gnarlia
in a magical spar?
Well, just remember, Dad,
you don't need any talent
to try your best.
Ohh, I am a hot mess.
And your brother's magic
is so advanced.
Not advanced, just different.
- Your magic is unique.
- Hmm. Zap.
- And unpredictable.
- Mm.
Come on, you're the greatest
wizard in the tri-village area.
Yeah, but your mother
was born a witch.
She was throwing hexes
in her diapers.
I didn't learn wizardry till college,
and even then,
I was a C-plus student.
C-plus student or not,
you've got to face Mom
- and get your amulet back.
- You're right.
It's the only way you're going
to enjoy your human teen years.
Plus, it'll help
with that molting problem.
It's not really a problem.
I like to molt.
And I like the way
that amulet looks
- when I wear it with my pointy hat.
- It was all they talked about
- at Wizard-Con last year.
- Mm.
[back cracking]
Ahh.
[inhales deeply]
Mm zap!
- Ha ha! Look at that!
- Whoa!
- Way to go, Dad! Wow!
- I did it, I did it ♪
Look what I did ♪
[light orchestral music]
♪
Therein lies what we seek.
The transmogrification amulet.
Wow, that castle is so fancy.
You grew up there, Stacey?
Yeah, but Mom's
made a few upgrades.
Added a tower,
stocked the moat with koi,
turned the dungeon
into a crafting corner.
What?
That dungeon was my man cave.
Well, then you better go in there
and zap those decorative
pillows into oblivion.
You're right.
I'm gonna take back what's mine!
- You ready, Axe?
- I was forged ready.
Gather round.
Sharpen your talons.
Tune your lute.
- Power up your wand? Staff?
- Yeah, it's a staff.
For the moment is nigh.
We storm the castle
of the great witch Gnarlia!
[together] Yeah!
[upbeat percussive music]
[silence]
[all yelling]
[silence]
[all yelling]
[all yelling]
- [all yelling]
- Ugh!
You guys okay?
- Seriously? No.
- No.
I thought he'd be more top-heavy.
A troll burned his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together they're journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Oh, oh ♪
"The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪
I am Brendar the Barbarian.
Yeah, "feared and revered"
is her slogan.
Stand aside, brave knight!
Yeah.
You're not on the list.
List?
[scoffs]
Take off your helmet
and face me
and my questing companions.
[grunting]
Okay, wow,
this is on real good.
[grunting]
Okay. Is it a twist-off?
Lefty loosey, righty tighty.
Whoa!
Ugh!
Not cool!
When respect is lacking,
my axe starts hacking.
Oh, it's on!
[dramatic music]
- Hi, Steve.
- Stacey. How are things?
Ugh, I cannot with this
small talk. Just let us in.
Uh, happy to, but you know
your mom hates fighting.
Magic spars in particular,
and since we started dating,
I'm super focused
on her happiness levels.
Wait a second
you mean to tell me
this tin can full of gravy
is dating my ex-wife?
- Who's this guy?
- This is my dad!
- Gnarlia's never mentioned me?
- Uh, one time.
She said you were dead
to her.
I can't believe Gnarlia
is dating a knight.
And a very attractive one at that.
- What is that? Stainless steel?
- Enough!
Let me see if you can
hackity-hack
as well
as you can yackity-yack.
You talk a lot
of smackity-smack.
- Just move, Steve!
- Stacey, your mom just hung
some gorgeous new tapestries.
I got to know there won't be
any end-of-quest battles.
- [laughs]
- What?
- I mean, no, of course not.
- I can't make any promises.
I'm not sure.
You know, Steve,
Mom really wants us to get along.
Well, that's what I want, too.
Good. So what if we left you
some collateral,
just so you know
we won't cause any trouble.
Well, I'm into collateral.
What do you want to leave?
- Him.
- Wait, what's collateral?
It's just the best, most
important part of the quest.
- Yeah, we can't do it without collateral.
- It's supes important, man.
I mean,
it's the number-one job,
- but if you don't want to do it
- No, no, no, pick me, pick me.
- I want to be collateral.
- All right, if you insist.
- Good seeing you, Steve.
- Okay, bye, Stace.
See ya.
Be back in a sec!
Hey, you don't have to be
nervous around me
just because I'm all
super important
because I'm collateral,
'cause I'm just like you,
made of fur and hair and meat.
I'm assuming
you're made of that.
It's kind of hard to see past
that grill of yours.
Don't take this the wrong way,
- but you're exhausting.
- Oh! Well, if you're tired, no problem.
I'm gonna whip up something
on my lute
- to help you get your snooze on.
- Oh, boy.
- Lullaby, giant guy ♪
- Eh, that's never gonna work.
Lullaby, giant guy ♪
Lay your big metal head
to rest tonight ♪
[grunts]
- [snoring loudly]
- Works every time.
[continues snoring]
Ooh, how many of you
are in there?
Wow.
[sneaky music]
♪
- What?
- Dad, this is gonna be so epic!
I'm not feeling
super magical.
Well, get hyped, man,
because it's the only way
I'll be rid of these feathers,
and you hate me being a bird.
I love you, my little owlet.
It's you leaving your pellets
around the castle I don't like.
- Psst.
- [gasps]
- Get over here.
- Oh.
Not on my front lawn!
And then I turned her into a toad.
You're turning into
your mother, Agnes.
Ugh, I can't believe
I have to provide a snack
- for the entire symposium.
- Oh, no, Gnarlia,
who hexed
you into that awful task?
I'm pretty sure it was Griselda.
She's had it out for you
ever since
you didn't comment
on her new broom.
I mean, she calls those bristles?
[both cackling]
Oh, how I miss
that shrill cackle of hers.
Now she's dating
some young knight?
Since when does she like
a chiseled physique
and a commanding,
masculine voice?
- You reek of low self-esteem.
- You can't smell esteem!
Come on, Dad. Do you want
to see my face again?
- You need that amulet.
- [gasps] You're right.
I'm going to march in there
and do battle with that witch
like the man I am,
and win back my pretty necklace!
Try not to die.
- [grunts]
- Horus!
- Gnarlia.
- Horus?
- Agnes.
- Agnes, I'll have to call you back.
Get out of my kitchen!
Not until you return
the amulet you used
to turn
our daughter into an owl.
Stop blaming me for that.
Stacey was asking for it.
[gasps]
Liar, liar, pointy hat on fire!
Zap!
[scoffs] I can't believe you
still need to announce
your mediocre magic.
Aah!
I do not announce my magic.
I
[whispers] Zap.
- I heard you.
- Well, then listen to this.
Zappity zap,
zappity zap zap zap!
Lame.
- I believe in you, Dad!
- Really? [Horus shouts]
[snoring, grunting]
Oh, rise and shine, shiny.
Did you have a nice nap?
[yawns]
- Well, that was refreshing.
- Hmm.
But I can't believe
you didn't escape.
Me, escape?
No, no, no. I am collateral.
Very important to the quest,
remember?
I would have totally left
and picked my pockets.
Then I would've had to chase me
down to get these babies back.
Ooh, I didn't know you were
a fellow musician.
Oh, I'm no pro, but I am
pretty good with the spoons.
- Huh.
- Check it.
Oh, wow.
That's great, Steve.
- Can I join you?
- Sure.
See if you can keep up.
[upbeat music playing]
Let's do this.
Both:
We're Gothmoria's best ♪
And we've got a mark
to leave on it ♪
That's a guarantee ♪
And you can Steve on it ♪
Oh, that's
a pretty cool slogan.
Yeah, it's more
of a catchphrase, actually.
Hmm.
You are a thief, old flame.
Zap!
Listen to me,
you pocket-sized magician.
This amulet is mine.
You gave it to me as a gift
after I broke up with you.
We mutually decided
you would break up with me.
Zap!
- Aah! Zap!
- Wow, look at them.
It's like they've never been apart.
- Do you think he needs help?
- Zap.
Aah!
Yeah, I think we should go in.
Interfere, and I'll
melt you into jewelry.
- Zap!
- Oh
Both:
Make the goblins say hey ♪
Make the thieves say ho ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Ho.
- Ho.
Both:
Do we rock the show? ♪
You can Steve on it ♪
And you can Evan on it ♪
- [loud clang]
- Wait.
That sounds like
an end-of-quest battle.
- Whoa!
- Ah! No!
Oh, Lute-y, are you okay?
Stay with me, buddy.
Stay with me.
- It's gonna be okay.
- I specifically told them "no battles."
Now I have to mush you
into a pulp, Mr. Collateral.
Uh, Mr. Collateral would very
much like to remain un-mushed.
Not how collateral works,
little guy.
Collateral is something
that you leave behind
in exchange for security to
prove you will keep your word.
Gah! But they said it was
the most important job.
- [chuckles] That barbarian tricked you.
- [gasps]
So now you're mine to destroy!
Say bye-bye, little sprout.
[ominous music]
Goodbye, little sprout.
Do you really have to destroy me?
I'm contractually obligated.
It's my job.
Ooh, wait.
You hear that, Steve?
It sounds like the tapestries
are getting destroyed
the gorgeous tapestries, Steve.
[high-pitched voice] Oh, no!
My tapestries! Help!
- [normal voice] You hear that, Steve?
- Oh, Gnarlia needs me.
I'm coming, my cream puff!
[laughs]
It's an epic battle.
Let me in there!
No way!
These explosions are lit!
You lied
to the Steve the Knight.
Yeah, and the naive little troll,
aka me, Mr. Collateral.
I'm sorry, Evan, it's just,
you know, you were the only one
who didn't know the meaning
of the word, so
- Prepare to be pulped.
- It's hacking time.
It's smushing time!
[dramatic music]
♪
Finally, Steve,
where the devil have you been?
Well, uh
- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart!
- Oh, your flying's much improved.
- Zap!
- I'll be with you in a second.
- Oh!
- Zap!
- Your magic is disgraceful!
All those night-school
wizardry courses,
- and you still can't get me.
- Zap!
Oh!
[cat meows]
[grunts]
Come on, Dad.
Get it together.
I will never give up.
Zap!
[both grunting]
You got
some good moves there.
- I know.
- Zap!
Give me back my amulet,
woman! Zap!
You'll never get this stone back.
I need that amulet to turn
our bitter teen owl
back into a bitter teen girl.
Zap!
For the last time, Horus,
- she was asking for it!
- Aah! Oh!
Aah!
[grunts]
- Are you done, old man?
- Old man?
Well, I'll show you
who's an old
[back cracks]
Oh, my back.
You are a horrible influence
on our daughter.
[gasps]
[dramatic music]
♪
Easy, Horus.
Horus, easy.
Ultimate Zap!
Aah!
Oh.
- My magical amulet!
- My chicken pottage!
[warbling up]
♪
♪
Magic amulet in a witch's pot!
- Stand back!
- Bad mojo! Everybody get down!
So what happens
when a magical amulet
mixes with chicken pottage?
[mystical music]
♪
[clucking]
[clucks]
[clucking]
[all clucking]
This is what you call
a party fowl.
Corvettes and landlord threats,
quick, quack, quicken.
Wage your bets, no regrets,
hominid chicken!
[coughing]
- Well, that was disturbing.
- Would you help me for a moment?
I need to go talk to my daughter.
- Who, me?
- Yes. Just read the passage
and wave the amulet,
and she'll be all set.
So, like,
anyone can be a wizard?
- Hmm.
- [chicken clucks]
Ooh. I wonder if there's such
a thing as chicken collateral.
[chicken clucks]
Well, is everyone back to normal?
Yeah, much less feathered,
thank you.
When Evan is done
with the amulet,
I can reverse that terrible
spell your mother put on you.
Horus, for the hundredth time,
Stacey was asking for it.
I don't care what she did.
No one deserves the punishment
of being turned into an owl.
Dad, you're not listening.
I was asking for it literally.
She followed me around
for weeks, saying,
"Mom, can you turn me
into an owl?
How about now, how about now?
How about now?"
It's true. Flying is rad,
my night vision rocks,
and my toes
are little weapons of death.
But then what was this
whole quest about
if not to return you
to your normal human form?
It was about the three of us
hanging out again.
[gentle music]
Sweetie, what's really going on?
[sighs] When I was a kid,
you guys would have
magical spars all the time.
I miss it. I just wanted to see
the sparks fly again.
♪
Toe clipping, day tripping,
sharp chicken claw.
Sheep turd, shaved bird,
rotten coleslaw!
[dramatic music]
Uh, you're not done.
Oh, no,
I'm just getting started.
I seriously can't believe
you left me with a guy
who said he would smush me
if you started a magical fight,
and then you went
and started a magical fight!
I knew he wouldn't.
You're un-smushable.
You can talk your way
out of anything.
So you're saying you trusted
me as your closest friend
to save you
in this quest should you fail?
- Well, I didn't say any of that.
- You didn't have to! Bring it in!
I'm gonna have to stop that
hug with my chicken foot.
[clears throat] Um, has your
foot always looked like that?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to cause all this trouble.
Encouraging us to melt
each other's faces off
is not a great way to get your
father and I back together.
Yeah, she could have burned
off my luxurious beard.
[chuckles] A wizard without
a beard, can you imagine?
Come on, didn't you guys
enjoy seeing each other?
A little?
Oh, no, honey,
I don't like your father.
Although I have to admit,
he did show
an impressive fighting display.
Yeah, really got zappy
with it there, didn't I?
The most fun I had today
was seeing you, Stacey.
- Yeah, same here, sweetheart.
- You see me every day, Dad.
It's always the best part
of every day.
Even in your owl form,
you still have
the most wonderful eyes.
- Oh, Give your old man a hug.
- Oh, Dad.
- And your young mother.
- No! Oh, you have to.
- Oh, come on. Bring it in.
- Oh, you have to! You have to!
- Stop!
- Oh, there we go.
Oh, I love my baby girl.
- I'm gonna ruffle your feathers!
- [groans]
I'm gonna ruffle your fea
Happy questing!
Thanks for stopping by!
Next time, don't!
Goodbye, Steve.
Fun fact, Gnarlia's crafting
corner makes a superb man cave.
See you at spring break, Mom.
Well, I am so happy
they stopped by.
Mm, they did leave a mess.
[cat meows]
You're holding the cat too tight.
- Steven, release her.
- Oh, sorry.
Good end of quest, Evan.
You got into a battle,
and you did some magic.
Yeah, and to bring it
all home, I used that amulet
to turn you back into
a barbarian just perfectly.
I know, I was there.
- [grunts, clears throat]
- What?
Uh, hold Nothing.
Let's keep questing.
- Eyes on the road.
- Okay.
- Someone should tell her.
- Don't look at me.
[quirky upbeat music]
- I have a chicken nose, don't I?
- You do!
It's a big, fat chicken face!
Blegh!
- I am General Skelly. I
- We're on a revenge quest.
- All: Yay!
- Shush!
I demand you let me
into the castle.
Mm
Sorry, you're not on the list.
I command the Army of the Undead.
- Mm, they don't look dead to me.
- We're dead on the inside.
I do not need to be on a list
to get into a castle.
I'll bet those brittle bones
of yours smash up real good.
Like baby powder.
Hey Mr. Metal Man,
are we on the list?
What are your names?
- Wee-Tinkle.
- Tee-Winkle.
- Fee-Finkle.
- Tink-Pinkle.
- Pink-Tinkle.
- Fay-Tingle.
- Yip-Yangle.
- Greg.
Yeah, you guys can go in.
- [together] Yay!
- What?
Oh
[groaning]
Uh
- Zip-Zingle?
- Nope.
- Dink-Dingle?
- Mm-mm.
- Crank-Klingle.
- No.
Gah! I can't do this!
[groans]