The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e04 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Granny, whereabouts do you want the still? Over here on this side of the cement pond, Jethro.
Okay, Granny.
Come on, come on We's waitin'.
Turn it a mite that way, Jethro.
Only one bad thing about puttin' your still here, Granny.
What's that? Drysdale place is downwind.
The smell of your corn liquor a-brewin' is gonna drive poor Mrs.
Drysdale right out of her mind.
She's a drinkin' woman.
How do you know, Uncle Jed? Well, he kinda let it slip out.
Remember when we was unloadin' this from the truck? Yeah.
He says to me, "What's that?" I says, "That's a still for makin' corn liquor.
" He turned kinda white and trembly, and he says, "Oh, please don't ever let my wife see that!" I reckon she just can't leave the stuff alone.
Some folks are like that Terrible.
Come to think of it, that's how come she's in Boston.
On account of drinking? Yeah, Miss Hathaway says she goes all over everyplace, lookin' to get cured.
Them city cures no good.
The minute you go to takin' it away from 'em they want it all the more.
I could cure Mrs.
Drysdale of her drinkin' in two days.
How, Granny? By just tellin' her she could have all she wanted.
When they find out you don't care if they drink, they don't care to drink.
Well, it sure would be a blessin'.
Pa? Over here, Elly.
Now, no more talk about drinkin'.
Hey, look, everybody Elly May's wearin' a dress! Pa, Mr.
Drysdale's in the house to see you.
All right.
My, my, ain't she purty? Yeah.
But Elly, you're showin' too much bare hide.
Well, that ain't her fault, Granny She's just got the dress on backwards.
Elly, honey, put it on t'other way around.
All right.
Hold it hold on! What in the world kind of a dress is that? Well, Miss Hathaway says a Californy sun dress.
I wouldn't let no son of mine wear it.
Daughter neither.
Granny, you'd best get her into somethin' decent whilst I talk to Mr.
Drysdale.
Uncle Jed, can I go swimmin' in the cement pond? Well, I reckon so, Jethro.
But this ain't like the swimmin' hole back home.
You can't go in there without no clothes on.
I cain't? No, sir.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
Someday I gotta have a long talk with that boy.
Mr.
Drysdale's office, Miss Hathaway speaking.
Boston? That must be Mrs.
Drysdale.
No, don't put her on, She'll only make my life mis sus Drysdale, how are you! How are things in Boston? Oh, the doctors here are just as silly as the ones in Beverly Hills.
They insist there's nothing wrong with me.
They've got me so depressed.
I just had to call and talk to my darling.
Are you taking good care of him? Oh, yes.
As a matter of fact, he's stretched out on the sofa right now having his nap.
How sweet.
Well, the moment he awakens, you take his temperature and give him some of that blue medicine.
What, he's waking now? Oh, marvelous put him on.
Tell him Mumsie wants to hear his sweet voice.
Speak to your Mumsie.
He whined.
Oh, he probably has a migraine.
Mon pauvre petit chien malade! She's even made a hypochondriac out of you.
Any message for Mr.
Drysdale? Who? Oh, Milburn, my husband.
Yes, well, isn't he there? No, he's up at the Clampett estate.
Clampett.
They bought the place next to yours just about the time you left for Boston.
I don't find them listed in the First Families.
You tell Milburn not to mingle with them socially until I've had a genealogical check run on them.
We don't want riffraff living under our very noses.
"For pain, one swaller Don't open near fire.
" Pa'll be right in, Mr.
Drysdale.
Thank you, Elly May.
Granny, this is quite an array of medicines you have here.
Yep, them's all the remedies I made myself.
Mmm, I wish you'd make something to help my wife.
She's a terrible hypochondriac.
Oh.
What's a hypochon Elly, you run along now.
I'll join you directly.
Yes, she goes from doctor to doctor to doctor.
Well, I reckon a doctor can't help what's ailin' her.
Of course they can't It's psychosomatic.
But she insists on prescriptions.
Oh, I wish you could see our bedroom - Bottles all over the place.
- Mmm.
I plead with her, I hide the stuff, she always finds it, or gets more.
You think that's a lot of bottles? You should see my wife after a trip to the pharmacy.
Why, she's so loaded, she can hardly stagger up the stairs.
Set down, Mr.
Drysdale, set yourself.
And she has a dog A perfectly healthy poodle.
Now, would you believe that she Don't tell me.
Laps it up just like she does.
Lord love you.
You're sure totin' a heavy burden.
Now, maybe I can help you.
Now, if she was to think that every time that she was to You can just wear that barrel till your clothes get dry.
What happened to Jethro, get too close to a skunk? Ah, he jumped in the pond with his clothes on.
Mr.
Drysdale, I'm sorry I kept you waitin'.
Did Granny tell you about her complaints about the kitchen? Jed, I'm ashamed to mention my piddlin' troubles to a man bowed down with the misery he's got.
You know, his wife Mr.
Drysdale, our hearts go out to you.
And we're gonna help you, ain't we, Jed? You betcha we are.
A man serves a poor purpose in this world if he can't help his neighbor.
Well, you're very kind, but I'll manage.
I've been living with it for years.
Have a nip it'll brace you up.
Oh, no thank you, I never touch it.
You hear that, Jed? Poor man.
He's got all the trouble and none of the fun.
There goes a soft-hearted woman.
Yes.
Now, about her complaints.
Oh, yeah.
Well, for one thing, that electric meat grinder has been givin' Granny a heap o' trouble.
Electric meat grinder? Yeah, this one right here in the dish trough.
Oh, it grinds the meat all right, but then you can't find it.
It goes down that pipe.
Granny lost two squirrels and a rabbit in that thing.
Mr.
Clampett, that's a disposal.
You only put things in there that you don't want.
Now, Mr.
Drysdale, that ain't altogether true.
Granny sure wanted them squirrels and that rabbit.
And another thing This here sideways pump don't work at all.
We must've carried in a barrel of water to prime that thing, but it just don't work.
Oh, there's another thing.
Every once in a while, this little thingamajig here makes a ringin' noise like that.
There it goes again.
Well, that's the telephone.
Someone's calling you.
I don't hear 'em.
They're calling you on the telephone.
Say hello into it.
Hello.
You have to lift the receiver first.
Now say it.
Hello.
Mr.
Clampett? It said my name.
Can they see through this thing? No.
Mr.
Clampett, may I please speak to Mr.
Drysdale? Well, they sure can see, or else how would they know you're standin' here? That's my secretary She knows I'm here.
Yes, Miss Hathaway? Mr.
Drysdale, I have some messages.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Granny, Elly May, come look what we got! The Clampetts have just discovered the telephone.
Yes, indeed, this is a marvelous invention.
With this instrument you can talk to anyone anyplace in the civilized world.
Could we talk to my Cousin Pearl? Oh, yes, of course.
Right now? Yes.
Elly May, run out back and fetch Jethro.
Oh, wait a minute.
He might not have his clothes on yet.
Oh, I'll get him.
Jed, is he greenin' us? Can we honest-to-goodness talk to Pearl on this thing? You heard what he said.
Hello, Pearl, you ol' rascal! Whatcha doin' back there? Hi there, Aunt Pearl.
This here's Elly! No, no, ladies.
First you gotta pick this thing up.
Hello, Pearl, you ol' rascal! Whatcha doin' back there? Hi there, Aunt Pearl, this here's Elly! What's she sayin'? Ain't a word She's just hummin'.
She ain't even hummin' a tune.
Pearl, shut up hummin' and say somethin'.
Jethro'll be right in.
You ready to call Pearl? We been a-callin', but she just hums.
Oh, that's dial tone.
First you've got to dial long distance, like this.
Okay.
Howdy, Pearl! Hello, Pearl, you ol' rascal, whatcha doin' back there? Hi there, Aunt Pearl This here's Elly! This is long distance.
We know that, Pearl.
Oh, I believe you have the operator.
What's Pearl's number? Number? Operator.
Just a moment, please.
Hey, folks! Mr.
Drysdale told me what y'all was up to.
You can't talk to Ma on that thing.
Well, look who's gettin' too smart for his britches! Too big for 'em, too.
Mr.
Drysdale says we can talk to her.
Yeah, you think you know more than Mr.
Drysdale? Well, I know Ma ain't got no telephone.
Excuse the call, operator.
You sure spoiled things.
Yeah, who asked you to butt in? I'll get it.
I know what to do when it does that.
Hello? Yeah, he's here.
Well, for goodness sake.
Well, sure.
Well, howdy there, Mrs.
Drysdale! This here is Oh'.
! Margaret! How wonderful to Who was what? Man? Oh, yes, the telephone man, yes.
Well, how are you? I'm worried, that's how I am.
I'm afraid, Milburn, that you've let the wrong kind of people move in next door to us, and I'm dreadfully, dreadfully upset.
Now, dear, you mustn't let yourself get into this condition.
Honey, control yourself.
No, no, dear.
You mustn't come home yet.
No, not until we get them in shape.
I mean, get you in shape! You're not well, you know.
Now, we'll wait until you're cured.
Milburn, I want to meet the Clampetts as soon as possible.
Now, when will that be? What about Christmas? Next year.
Milburn, this conversation is making less and less sense.
Now, I want the truth about the Clampetts or I'm flying home immediately.
Now Margaret, please control yourself.
I don't want you flying.
No, please, dear, please stay on the ground.
Dear, why don't you lie down and take a sedative, and I'll call you from the office.
Okay, goodbye.
I'm sorry.
My wife We understand.
Well, I'll see you later.
Keep your chin up.
Poor man.
Don't it just tear your heart out? He is so ashamed of his wife he don't even want us to meet her.
From what he says, she won't be cured till Christmas of next year.
We gotta help him, Granny.
I still say I could cure Mrs.
Drysdale in two days.
Sure be worth a try, if we could get her out here.
Jed, misery loves company.
And if that poor miserable woman thought that she had a drinkin' friend livin' next door Granny, you ain't never downed more'n a thimbleful in your whole life.
I know, Jed, but it'd be worth a little white lie to help a neighbor and save a marriage.
Maybe.
But how? Hello? Yes, ma'am.
That's a stroke of luck, Granny.
It's Mrs.
Drysdale again.
Well, no, ma'am, he ain't here, Mrs.
Drysdale, but Granny and me'd like to talk to you.
We's your next-door neighbors, the Clampetts.
Listen, honey, I got my still set up not 50 feet from your back door.
Now, you come on home, and you and me will get glassy-eyed, fallin' down crocked.
We'll get juiced to the eyeballs.
How does that sound to you, honey? I don't hear nothin'.
Me neither.
What do you mean my wife's on her way from Boston? That's the message I got when I tried to put through your call.
She's on a jet arriving Never mind the grisly details.
Oh, I am ruined.
If Margaret gets one look at those hillbillies next door, she'll leave me.
Get my psychiatrist over here.
Move over, Claude, I need this more than you do.
Mr.
Drysdale, you don't need your psychiatrist.
You're looking on the dark side.
There is a bright side? Of course.
Your wife is an intelligent woman.
She'll see that underneath that rough exterior, the Clampetts are basically fine people.
Why, she may even help them to get socially acclimated.
You're right.
I don't need my psychiatrist.
Hmm.
You do.
Maybe your wife will My wife, through whose aristocratic veins flows blood the color of blueing, considers anyone whose ancestors did not arrive on the Mayflower immigrants.
Yes, she does make rather a fetish of the family tree, but But nothing! I am stuck.
Now, I'm either going to lose my wife or my largest depositor.
That's what makes the whole thing so difficult.
You know, I like the Clampetts, but I love my wife.
Isn't life weird? She's a snob, she's a hypochondriac, she's not young and beautiful, but I love her.
You know, I do need my psychiatrist.
Now, Mr.
Drysdale, as we used to say at Vassar, virtute via tua clarescet Courage will light your path.
Yes, I know what I have to do.
I'll go to the airport, I'll take Margaret in my arms, I'll look her in the eye, and lie like a rug.
What? I'll tell her the Clampetts have left town, and put her back on the plane.
I beseech you, do not become enmeshed in a web of lies.
But it won't be a lie, if the Clampetts are tricked into actually leaving town.
But they're just getting settled.
What could possibly induce them to leave town? That's your problem.
Me? You expect me But they like you.
Finagle them into going to Palm Springs for a few days.
Oh, no.
I will not help you spin your deceitful web.
Miss Hathaway, would you rather be an unemployed secretary or a spider with a raise? You know, I think the Clampetts might enjoy Palm Springs.
Palm Springs? Where's that? About 125 miles from here, in the desert.
Desert? Yeah, remember we crossed one of them on the way out here.
All that sand? Yeah, I remember.
You ain't gettin' me to no desert! The trees were so far apart the woodpeckers had to tote lunch.
Oh, but this is different, Granny.
This is a beautiful resort with lots of trees and fine hotels and swimming pools.
We got a pond for swimmin' right here.
Elly's out swimmin' right now.
She didn’t jump in with her clothes on, did she? I don't know.
Oh, surely not She promised to wear the lovely swim ensemble I got her.
Yeah, she done just like Jethro.
Here she comes with her dress shrunk clear up to her Granny! What's the matter? All her hair come out.
What? It's true.
Elly lost her beautiful hair.
Heaven help us, she's bald as an eagle! Elly May, take off your bathing cap.
Oh, praise be.
All right, but Elly, you hadn't oughta went swimmin' with your clothes on and shrunk up that nice dress.
This ain't a dress, is it, Miss Jane? No, dear.
It's a beach jacket to wear over a bathing suit.
Elly May Clampett! Cover up your nakedness, child! That's the way everyone goes swimming out here.
It's perfectly proper.
Well, you wouldn't catch me in nothin' like that.
Me neither.
Mr.
Clampett how would you like for a member of your family to become Princess of Palm Springs? What? They're holding a beauty contest at the Springs this week, and someone in this very room has the face and the figure to win.
When the judges see her in a bathing suit I told you, I ain't puttin' on no bathin' suit! Believe me, Mr.
Clampett, this beautiful daughter of yours can win that Palm Springs beauty contest without even trying.
Can we go, Pa? I'm sorry, Elly May, but I just don't cotton to the notion of a bunch of strangers gawkin' at your bare limbs.
Besides, we already know you're the prettiest.
Why shame all them other girls? Now run along and get some clothes on.
Yes sir, Pa.
Mr.
Clampett, I do wish you would reconsider about going to Palm Springs, even if Elly doesn't Uncle Jed, Duke and howdy, Miss Hathaway.
"Jane" to you, Jethro.
Well, Jane to you, too.
Duke and me's all set to go huntin', ain't we, Duke? Jethro, have you ever hunted in the desert? No, ma'am.
Oh, it's a fascinating place.
You might even see a mirage.
If there's one there, ol' Duke'll tree it! He's the best huntin' dog there is.
He'll love hunting around Palm Springs.
You'll all love Palm Springs.
They have wonderful hotels.
Have you ever stayed in a beautiful hotel suite? No, I ain't, darlin'.
Granny, let's you and me go and leave these two lovebirds alone.
No, wait, please, let me take you all to Palm Springs.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take Jethro and Elly May, and me and Granny'“ stay here.
But then Mrs.
Drysdale would see I mean Mrs.
Drysdale's comin' home? Is that why you was tryin' to get us out of town, so we wouldn't meet her? Yes.
That is the reason.
I'm so ashamed I could die! Well, now, don't go to cryin' about it.
The way I look at it, ain't nobody got a right to be ashamed of nobody else.
The Good Lord made us all.
And if we's good enough for Him, we sure oughta be good enough for each another.
Ah, hold back on them tears.
You's among friends.
Why, I remember a long time ago hearin' a fella say it, he said it just about right.
He said, "There is so much good in the worst of us, "and so much bad in the best of us, that it don't hardly it don't hardly" Behoove.
Well, go ahead and bawl if it'll make you feel better.
I'll tell you what.
If this means so much to you, we'll all pick up and go to them Palm Springs with you.
Oh, oh, bless you! Mr.
Drysdale will be so happy.
I'll go help Elly May pack.
I'm tellin' you, that Mrs.
Drysdale must be a mess.
She's gonna need our help, Jed.
This is a poor time for us to be a-leavin'.
Well, we've gotta help her once we get back.
Right now we gotta respect Mr.
Drysdale's feelings.
Jethro, you go get the truck ready.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
II Really, Milburn, the Clampett's gardener shouldn't leave his car parked in the front driveway that way.
Oh, you're absolutely right, dear, yes.
Oh, Margaret, don't you want to stop at home first and freshen up, take some medicine or something? Milburn, I have just flown 3,000 miles to meet the Clampetts, and I intend to meet them right now.
Well, darling, they're probably out of town.
You see, they they travel extensively.
Oh, they're wonderful people.
It'd be a shame if you missed them.
Bu“ know how anxious you are to get back to Boston and your doctors, and Sonny.
How is Sonny? How does he like Harvard this year, or is it Yale? Or Princeton, Dartmouth? Let's go ask him.
Milburn, what is the matter with you? Milburn, let go! Let go, do you hear me? Let go, I say! Let go.
Have you gone mad? Let go, you beast! Step aside, lady, I'll shoot it! Quick help me get her back in the car.
What'd you shoot, Jethro? I think it was a fox.
Who's that? My wife.
And why aren't you in Palm Springs? Let's get her home as quickly as possible.
What's goin' on? Jethro shot a fox.
That's Mrs.
Drysdale, stewed to the gills.
No wonder they didn't want us to see her.
Poor woman.
You mean poor husband! Yeah.
We can't go off to Palm Springs and leave our neighbor at a time like this.
That's right.
We got to pitch in and see that his wife gets cured! Uncle Jed, are we goin' huntin'? Might as well.
It'll be a while before she sleeps that one off.
Well, I hope there's some possum around.
These skinny ol' Californy foxes ain't worth shootin' at.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.